In Love and Hate
by Kolie
Summary: COMPLETE! After four years of absence, Eiri returns to Japan to find some very changed people. Shuichi is a shell of the person he once was and relies on a blade for his sanity. [Contains selfinjury, suicide, drug abuse, etc...]
1. Just the Beginning

Okay...because this site is gay, "ILaH" was competely deleted. YaY! _coughs _sarcasm _coughs_ So, for those of you who were wondering and didn't contact me or anything like that, that is what happened to my baby. LoL. I'm going to put it on a different site as well. What site that will be...I'm not sure of yet. But I'll know by next ch. so I'll let you all know so you can read future lemons, etc... I've also edited the chapters and changed Tat-chan's name to the correct spelling for the first two chapters and took out my horrendous Japanese grammar...

Hey, everyone, Kolie here with my second _Gravi_ fan fic. I hope you all like it! It's not a going to be a very happy fan fic, that's for sure, and some serious topics will be dealt with here. If you don't like the sound of that, then don't read it, that's all I've got to say. And if you can't tell from the first few paragraphs then I'll explain it to you myself...SHUICHI HAS CHANGED! Yuki left him about four years ago and over that time he changed. He's not the pink-haired, J-pop baka that you all know and love anymore. Hate me if you want to, but I wanted to make Shuichi out to be what I think he would have turned into if Yuki never gave him the time of day. Rated R for language (angry fic means angry words), many serious topics, and attempted suicide (later chapters). Well, here we go.

OH YEAH! I can't forget this. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, to everyone that reviewed "Halloween Fun". You all made me very happy, and all of the reviews helped to make me more confident in my writing and also gave me the motivation to finish and post this. Okay, _now_ here's the story.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Gravitation_, Maki Murakami does. Despise her? Yes. Hate her? Hell no, she's a genius! I just wish I had powers that would make Yuki and Ryuichi real. _retreats into closet to scheme_

**Just the Beginning**

A raven-haired man stood in the middle of the crowded airport terminal, his amethyst eyes searching for the man in the photograph he had been given by Touma Seguchi. He hated crowds, which, of course, meant that he despised airports, and he would have declined if the request hadn't have been made by Seguchi in the flesh. As much as he hated the bastard, he was, after all, his boss; so now he stood in the terminal in mirrored sunglasses, surrounded by hundreds of Christmas travelers, and thinking up an evil plot of how he would kill his blonde boss when he returned to NG.

The man growled in frustration and kicked a trashcan. "Damn you, Touma!" he muttered and plopped down into one of the uncomfortable, plastic terminal chairs closest to him.

An hour passed and he saw many brunette's with blue eyes walk past him, but none were Mister Eric Ullman. The raven-haired man pulled the picture he had previously received from Seguchi from his pocket and stared at it for five minutes, engraving the man's image into his mind. The brunette's pale face was framed by his shaggy hair and his eyes stood out like icy sapphires. He was tall and in the photograph he was standing with Touma Seguchi himself and Touma's wife, Mika. How Touma knew the man, he didn't know, but he definitely wasn't Ryuichi, of that he was certain. This Eric Ullman's cerulean eyes had an icy undertone to them and Ryuichi's were, and always had been, full of nothing but happiness and love. But still...he knew that man from somewhere and it unnerved him at how he couldn't figure out how. Most likely, he'd seen him in the crowd at a concert during their American tour, but he felt like he had known him personally.

Sighing slightly in anguish, the man put the photo back into his pocket and ran his fingers through his shaggy raven-hair. He remembered when it had once been pink but quickly shook his head to dispel the memory. He didn't like the emotions or extra memories that that one memory always managed to call forth. Just like his pink hair, that part of him was gone now, and there was no need to remember any of it.

Still waiting and losing his patience half an hour later, the man absentmindedly played with the strings on his hoodie and stared off into la-la land. Boredom. A horrible emotion and one that he used to hate with almost all of his being, but now saw as a chance to think and try to write when he hadn't been able to do so in a long time. Anger. An unusual emotion for him and one usually brought forth by something like waiting an hour and a half for someone whose plane should have landed forty-five minutes ago. Definitely not a good mood for him to be in, Mister Ullman better be prepared for an earful when he finally _did_ decide to show up because he was gonna get one.

Another half an hour passed and there was still no sign of Ullman. "Fuck this and fuck you, Touma," the man said and turned to leave the airport. He was stopped by a few giggling cuties on his way out, asking if he happened to be Shindou of Bad Luck and he turned them down with a shake of the head and one of his award winning smiles. He left with a small smirk as the girls melted before him and found his way out to his car without being stopped again.

Out in the black sports car, the man pulled his cell phone from his pocket and dialed the number of the person he wouldn't regret yelling at later, silently fuming when the calm voice answered the phone. "How may I help you, Shindou-san?"

"Don't give me that shit, Touma," seethed the man. "Your lover boy didn't show which leads me to ask you where in the hell he is."

Again the calm voice replied and it only succeeded in making Shuichi even more upset. He wanted Touma to be surprised, frantic, angry; anything but calm because that meant that he already knew the news. "Mr. Ullman didn't see you so he hailed a cab and came here on his own. I'm sorry for the inconvenience but I called your cell phone and there was no answer, so-"

"Bullshit, Touma! I had my phone with me the whole time and it didn't ring once." With that the man hung up on the bastard he had to call his boss and sped home.

At his building, he parked his car in the garage and slowly made his way up to his apartment, quickly noticing the car parked in one of 8B's parking spaces. He shared his floor with only one other flat and he groaned slightly at the idea of having a neighbor. He hadn't lived close to anyone since _he_ left and hated the idea of having a neighbor who could act like he used to. In silence he took the elevator up to the eighth floor and unconsciously took notice of the slightly ajar door down the hall. In his kitchen he threw his keys onto the counter and pulled a beer from the refrigerator before checking the clock. Eleven-thirty. He should have been home an hour ago and would be asleep because he happened to have a tv appearance to show up at by noon.

He needed noise and he felt no remorse for his neighbor if they didn't like rock music. He pulled one of his favorite American albums from the shelf (Seether: Disclaimer II) and blared "Gasoline." The loud music strangely helped him concentrate and soon forgot about his new neighbor by losing himself in the lyrics.

This really hadn't been his day, okay month if you really wanted to get technical with it. First, Touma had somehow figured out where he disappeared to and showed up unannounced on his doorstep a few days later with his sister. Then, Touma proceeded to update him on his ex-lover's attitude; still pink, still happy, still a baka...not surprising. And piled on top of all that, he knew that he had to return to Japan. No matter how much he hated Touma for showing up, for destroying his life, for...being alive, he hated having to admit that he had to return to his homeland even more. Why did he have to return you ask? He hadn't figured that out himself, but he knew that something was missing from this life in America that he would most likely find in Japan. He had a feeling that he knew what it was, but he wasn't ready to admit that to himself, not yet.

So, upon returning to Japan, the blonde novelist known to the world as Eiri Yuki dyed his hair brown and hid his amber eyes behind sapphire contacts. He'd even gone to the extreme of using an alias around people he didn't know, and so the American writer named Erik Ullman was born.

His arrival had been far from a good one, however, because the punk idiot that he was supposed to meet at the airport didn't show. Either that or he just blended in with the crowd around him. How that _thing_ could blend in, he didn't know. The man in the picture that Touma had given him had shaggy black hair that framed his slightly tanned face which was inset with amethyst eyes. His right eyebrow was pierced and in the photo he was dressed in a black tee shirt and baggy blue jeans. Chains hung from his belt loops which had a studded black belt threaded through them. It looked like the picture had been taken back stage after a concert and the man's raven hair was plastered to his forehead by the sweat that dripped from every pore. He had to admit, the man _was_ attractive, and he had kind of been looking forward to seeing the man in the flesh.

But the man hadn't shown and so Yuki had called a taxi and went to see Touma without him. The calm smile on Touma's face when Yuki stepped into the office hadn't helped to improve the man's mood any, neither did the babying tone he talked in while Yuki struggled with not reaching out and snapping the blonde's neck. He had managed to control himself, however, and left the record company half an hour later without any _major_ incidents.

He climbed into his car (which had been conveniently parked in NG parking garage) and drove to his new apartment. It had been hard for him to sell his old home but too many memories were held within the walls of that happy place. Yeah, happy. He never admitted it (and probably never would) but that pink-haired baka had made him happier than he had probably ever been. Yuki shook his head to remove the memories, but they wouldn't leave. Those memories, like all the others from his past, haunted him in his sleep, but, unlike the happy ways these ended, the nightmares always ended in death and pain. Pain. It was all he had ever given the boy, but _he always returned_. That was why he had left all those years ago, to escape...to run away.

Yuki slowed and pulled into the apartment building's garage, flicking the last remnants of his cigarette out the window before cutting the engine. Both of apartment 8A's parking spots were empty, thankfully, and he silently hoped that his neighbor wasn't loud and obnoxious.

He took the long way to his apartment and his feet unconsciously lead him to the entrance of his apartment before he had time to tell them otherwise. He looked across the hallway before unlocking to door to see who exactly his neighbor was but no identification was present. A mailbox was beside the door of the home, along with an intercom, com screen, and door bell but no name was to be seen.

_Why are you so nosy? What were you expecting? To see _his_ name there? Are you expecting _him_ to be your neighbor? Get over yourself! He's moved on and could care less about you._

Sighing in agreement, Yuki walked into his new home and flicked on the lights before changing his mind and quickly turning them off. He really didn't care for light right now, so he checked his place out in the dark, careful not to stub his toe on any boxes. Touma had been right and, after checking that everything that had he asked for had been delivered, he went into the bathroom and took out his contacts. They always made his eyes dry and he didn't even need the damn things most of the time anyway, but...they helped to conceal part of him that he was desperately trying to forget.

He put drops into his eyes before leaving the bathroom and collapsing on the couch, putting one arm over his eyes to keep them closed. He was suddenly very tired and wanted nothing more than to sleep for at least an hour without dreams, without having to be reminded of his past even while he slept.

Right on cue, the stereo next door started to blare and his eyes flew open in anger. So much for sleeping, but the idea of finally meeting his neighbor was highly appealing. Cursing under his breath Yuki got up from the couch and crossed his apartment to the hallway. The music out in the hall was louder and, through it all, he could clearly hear his neighbor belting out the English lyrics. The man had a familiar voice and if he hadn't of been listening to rock and singing in English, Yuki could have thought that it was someone he fell in love with four years ago.

_People change, Bro, they move on. Just because you still think of him as yours doesn't mean that he is_.

_Shut the hell up, Tatsuha. I don't care._

_Whatever. When you're done lying to yourself give me a call and I'll see how I can help._

Yuki shook the memory out of his head and lifted a hand to knock on the door. From inside the apartment, a voice rang out and the volume of the stereo went down a few decibels before the door opened. Yuki's anger increased a couple notches when he saw that his neighbor was the punk that he was supposed to have met at the airport, but he managed to keep on his best "polite" smile.

"Sorry for bothering you, but I was wondering if you could keep your stereo down. I've had a busy day and am extremely tired, but it's hard to sleep with a radio blaring," he said through slightly gritted teeth.

"Not my fault," the man simply stated and crossed his arms over his chest.

At this Yuki lost his temper and, before he could stop himself, he had the man pinned against the wall. "What do you mean, 'not my fault'? Yes, it is your fault because if you would have been at the airport instead of getting high, I would have gotten to Touma sooner."

"Okay, first off, I don't do drugs, you biased bastard; and second, I _was_ at the airport," the man snarled. "I was at the airport for over two fucking hours waiting for you and _you_ are the one that never showed up."

"Bullshit," Yuki said, his face inches away from a man he hadn't seen for four years. Then he made the mistake of looking into the man's eyes. There was only one person that he had ever met that had "real" amethyst eyes and this man wasn't wearing contacts. The large boyish eyes he had grown to know and love were sadder now, full of hate and sorrow, but he could still recognize them anywhere. This man was Shuichi.

_People change, Bro._

Tatsuya's voice echoed in Yuki's mind as he brought his lips down to the oblivious young man's between himself and the wall, greed overcoming his senses as the familiar taste filled his mouth.

The man's eyes widened and he pushed Yuki away, a look of disgust on his face. "Get the fuck away from me, you sick bastard!" he yelled and retreated into his home, slamming and locking the door in Yuki's face.

Yuki sighed quietly and felt a warm liquid hit his cheek, not surprised to realize that he was crying, before the left the building for the night.

"That bastard!" Shuichi yelled at the mirror in his bathroom. "Just who in the hell does he think he is? Coming back after four years and thinking that he can do that?"

When Yuki had kissed Shuichi, he had seen the color of the brunette's eyes. They were amber, not blue like they had been in the picture. _His_ eyes.

"Gods dammit!" Shuichi yelled and threw the glass he had been drinking from at the mirror.

Tears started to fall freely down Shuichi's face, and he broke down for the first time in three years. He let the sobs overcome his body as he collapsed onto the cold marble floor, and as the tears left his body so did the warmth. His whole body went cold and numb and he couldn't have moved, even if he wanted to. He reached up to grab onto the corner of the sink to pull himself up but jumped back suddenly. His hand had landed on a piece of shattered glass and the shard dug itself into his palm. Blood ran down his hand and wrist before dripping onto the floor and Shuichi couldn't help but stare at it; amazed at how little it actually hurt and how much better he felt. His tears stopped and he quickly pulled the small shard out, staring at it as the crimson flow became faster before taking the shard down to his arm.

He drew the sharp glass across his arm too many times to count before it fell from his shaking hands. He looked down at his deed, new salty tears mixing with the crimson ones on his arm and floor, to see that his arm was covered in blood. The pain that had previously been absent now returned at full force and he cradled his arm in his lap for a minute before deciding that they should be cleaned and dressed, just in case. The warm water he used to clean them with was a bitch and he debated on using rubbing alcohol before he felt his cuts start to scream at just the thought.

He left the bathroom and considered calling Hiro, thinking that the auburn-haired man should know about Yuki's return and his little "slip up," but decided against it. First of all, Hiro would come over and kill Yuki with his bare hands, and then beat the shit out of Shuichi for being reduced to his old habits again. So, instead, Shuichi sighed and climbed into bed. He had that television appearance that he had to show up to tomorrow by noon and it wouldn't be good for him to show up late and give Sakano another heart attack, now would it?

Sleep wouldn't come, however, and so he gave up on it and got his guitar. A tab that he had written earlier that week but didn't still didn't have any lyrics to placed itself in the front of his mind, and he started to play it. The words seemed to pour out of his mouth now, and he soon had a whole song written down on the pad of paper lying open in front of him. He sighed as he put his guitar down and picked up the pad of paper, writing the title of the song on the top of the page. _Razor's Edge._

TBC...

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A/N: Welp, there's chapter one. I know that's it's not long, but, as the title states, it's just the beginning. I'm actually looking forward to working on this and getting my feelings out through writing (_it's therapeutic_...blah, blah, blah!). Please R&R and give me some ideas of what you would like to happen because writer's block sucks!...


	2. Love Cuts Deep

To all of you guys who are wondering...I've also posted "ILaH" on fiction. I may post it on other sites too, but that's all for now...

Thank youtoeveryone who reviewed Just the Beginning. Sad, yes? Oh, well, I told you that Shuichi wasn't going to be a happy person in this fic. Cutting is only one of the topics I'll be talking about, and if you want an idea of another big one, just read the beginning of this chapter. Thank you so much to my Shirley-chan for proof-reading and helping me edit all of my stuff. I love ya like you're my sister and your help is way more than appreciated.

Well, I guess I don't have much else to say except that I hope that none of the things in this are triggering. If they are, don't do it!...

**Disclaimer:** _Gravitation_'s not mine. Never has been, never will be. Would you seriously get joy out of watching a _Gravi_ spin-off like this?

**Love Cuts Deep**

Cigarette butts and empty beer cans littered the table before him as a raven-haired man finally gave into the darkness around him and collapsed on the couch. It had been one long ass night, but he still had four hours before he had to arrive at the studio. If he was lucky, his hangover would subside just enough by then so he wouldn't slur during his interview. That just wouldn't be acceptable, and Hiro would most likely kill him if he arrived to work drunk again anyway.

One hour went by, then two, and he didn't wake up. Finally, he woke up with one hour to spare and nearly fainted again at the time.

"Fuck," he mumbled under his breath and ran back to his room to get some clothes before going to the bathroom.

The mess from the night before was still scattered out on the floor and sink, but he didn't have time to clean it up now. Instead, he picked up a piece of that broken glass and drew it across his forearm in punishment. After the deed was done, he started the warm water and undressed before jumping in to take a quick five minute shower.

Half an hour later the man was speeding down the highway on his way to meet Hiro and the others at the television studio. He had missed out on breakfast, but his hangover had decreased just enough for him to talk and see clearly without the need to barf at the spinning cars.

He arrived at the studio with just seconds to spare and was greeted by a semi-comatose Sakano and very pissed Hiro.

"Where in the hell have you been, man? The show starts in thirty seconds!" the auburn-haired man yelled and dragged his friend into the studio by the arm.

Shuichi winced slightly as Hiro's hand came down on top of one of his hidden cuts but he covered it up before his friend could notice it. He wasn't ready to put that stress on Hiro again. Not yet, not ever.

"Sorry, Hiro. I didn't get to sleep until late last night so I woke up a little late, too. Besides, it's not like we're the first people they're gonna interview."

"Yeah, true. That American author dude's before us, so we do have a little bit of time."

"American author dude?"

"Yeah, Erik Ullman. You know, the guy you picked up at the airport last night?"

"Ah, him," Shuichi muttered.

Hiro let go of his friend's arm and looked at the wreck standing next to him. "What's up?"

"Nothing, why?"

"You got wasted last night, and don't tell me that you didn't because I know that you did. Did something happen with that Erik guy or something?"

"Nothing's wrong, Hiro."

"Don't lie to me, Shu," Hiro said and grabbed his friend again. This time, however, he saw the wince. "Take off your jacket."

Shuichi gaped at his friend, disbelief spread across his features. "N-nani?"

"Take your fucking jacket off, Shuichi."

"Hell no."

"Shuichi, you winced and I know that you didn't do anything to your arm at practice yesterday. Now, please, take your jacket off."

"Shu-chan! Hey, man. Glad to see you're finally here," a voice from ahead of them shouted.

Shuichi, grateful for the welcome distraction, looked up at Bad Luck's newest band mate. Well, new as in two-years new. After going on their first American tour, Shuichi was introduced to American rock music for the first time. He immediately fell in love with the drums and how much cleaner and smoother their beat sounded when compared to that of the synthesizer, and wanted to introduce a drummer to their band as well. Backstage at one of their last concerts, he met Ben Miller; a genius at the drums who just happened to be open. Shuichi offered the man a job, and the man agreed. He didn't even seem to mind that the band originated out of Japan and that he would have to live there himself.

"Always wanted to go, just never had a reason," he had said and joined Bad Luck in his first get together two weeks later.

In two years time Shuichi's friendship with Ben became one of his most treasured, and Ben had even managed to convince Shuichi to start playing the guitar in the band along with Hiro. And then along came the Shuichi that the raven-haired man was now.

"Hey, Ben. Yeah, sorry I'm late. I slept in," he apologized, pulling his arm out of Hiro's tight grasp, and walked toward the American.

Hiro threw Shuichi a concerned glance and sighed heavily before disappearing into the room where Ben had left, leaving the other two friends to talk.

"You'll never guess who showed up to wish you good luck," Ben said and pulled Shuichi into the room after Hiro, a smirk spread playfully across his face.

"Do I really wanna know?"

"Yeah, he came here just for you, ya know."

Shuichi's eyes narrowed in wonder at who would show up for him when he never asked anyone to. It didn't take long for him to find out who it was, though, because the instant he entered the room he was greeted by a smiling Tatsuha.

"Hey, Shuichi!" Tatsuha exclaimed.

"'Ey Tatsuha," Shuichi said and smiled slightly as the man threw a long arm across his shoulders. "What are you doing here?"

"Just thought I'd surprise you, besides, I had to give your truck back somehow."

"Last I checked I couldn't drive two cars at the same time, Tat," Shuichi said with a small smile, already knowing what Tatsuha was going to say next.

"That just gives me another reason to go to your house when you get done," Tatsuha whispered and gave his boyfriend a small kiss on the cheek.

Shuichi laughed and kissed Tatsuha fully on the lips to shut him up, remembering how nice the man had been after Yuki left him. Shuichi had been a wreck after Yuki left and probably would have committed suicide if the raven-haired man hadn't of been there to help him through. Yeah, of course he did have Hiro, but the man had always hated Yuki so mostly told him how he was better off without him and shit like that. Tatsuha, on the other hand, understood how he felt. At the time he had been in love with Ryuichi but he, like Yuki, had suffered a betrayal in his past. But he, unlike Yuki, didn't kill the person; he just moved on and tried his best to forget about them. He had told Shuichi to do the same thing, told him that Yuki wasn't going to come back and that there were better people out there for him.

Then Shuichi fell for Tatsuha. He had been even more than surprised when he found out that Tatsuha returned those feelings and had done everything but pass out at the news. At first, Shuichi had been afraid of hurting Tatsuha, was afraid that he had just latched onto him as a replacement for Yuki, but soon realized that that wasn't the case. Tatsuha treated him better than Yuki ever had, and, now, Tatsuha had let his feelings for Ryuichi go and he and Shuichi had been together for almost three months.

"We're on in five minutes, Shuichi," Hiro said, rudely pulling Shuichi from his thoughts, and walked out of the room.

The rest of the band and Tatsuha, arm still draped across Shuichi's shoulders, followed closely behind the auburn-haired man to the stage where they were to perform first and be interviewed later.

"Hey, guys," Shuichi said as they got into their positions.

"Hm?" they all mumbled lamely in unison.

"You know that song I came up with last week and wanna put on the album, but-"

"Don't have any lyrics to?" Suguru interrupted.

"Yeah, that one. I know that we were gonna do 'Heart-Shaped Box,' but-"

"You finally wrote the lyrics at the last minute and wanna sing it?" Suguru again interrupted.

"Hai. Now would you stop doing that? You know how much it annoys me!" he said and scowled when he saw Suguru smirk.

"Yes, boss."

"Can we do it? Please, guys, come on. I know that it's not our first single and none of you have heard the lyrics yet, but I really wanna do it."

"Sure." Ben.

"Whatever." Hiro.

"It better be good." Suguru.

"Thanks," Shuichi whispered as the camera crew rushed a waving Tatsuha off the stage and started the count down.

"And here's Bad Luck with their hit cover of Nirvana's 'Heart-Shaped Box'!" the reporter said and all of the stage lights came on.

"Actually, we're gonna do a fresh new one for ya. This is called 'Razor's Edge'," Shuichi said and started to sing.

_What's the point in living  
__if we're all gonna die anyway?  
__What's the point in running  
__if you're always gonna find me?  
__I give up, give into you  
__I tried to hide, tried to forget  
__made friends with the razor's edge…_

Off stage, Tatsuha stood open mouthed as a frantic Sakano ran up to his side.

"WHAT! What does Shindou think he's doing?" Sakano panicked. Four years of working with Shuichi and he still wasn't used to the man's rebellions.

"A good job," Tatsuha muttered as Sakano collapsed onto the floor.

_For me all is lost, none found  
__I'm always looking but never finding  
__Love's a waste of time  
__Nothing's real, everything's a lie  
__I'm blind, blinded by your hate  
__blinded by my fear  
__lying in my closet with the razor's edge…_

The crowd was going crazy. They actually like the new depressing song, and it gave Shuichi all the more confidence to sing it.

_Will we love, live, lie, or die?  
__I don't know, don't care about life  
__Does anyone know anything?  
__Is anyone out there?  
__Can't you hear me screaming?  
__Crying for help in my time of pain  
__not wanting to be reduced to the razor's edge…_

As Shuichi drew out "edge," Hiro began his guitar riff and the crowd went wild. Hiro always had been the fans' favorite guitarist, and the news of Shuichi's new found hobby hadn't fazed them much.

The rest of the band started to play again and Shuichi started to scream into the microphone.

_There's no proof of heaven or hell  
__Life or death, love or hate  
__Why do we feel the ways that we do?  
__Why do we try to do the impossible?  
__To succeed in life would mean your downfall  
__Let death take you when it comes  
__don't take it into your hands with the razor's edge…_

Everything went silent and Shuichi managed to choke out the final verse.

_My last day is coming soon  
__I can feel it calling out to me, I hear it screaming  
__The innocent glint of steel terrifies me  
__but not more than my feelings for you  
__I don't want to make myself suffer any longer  
__Now is my time to leave you forever  
__the masochist, brought down by the razor's edge._

The music came to an end and Shuichi stood in awe on the stage. He had done it; he had played the song to the approval of the crowd. He gave a small smile and wave to the crowd and disappeared backstage with the rest of the band.

"That was kick-ass, Shu!" Tatsuha yelled after tackling his boyfriend.

"Thanks," Shuichi said with a weak smile as Tatsuha kissed him between the eyes. "Uh, where's Sakano?"

"He passed out again when he saw that you weren't doing the right song," Tatsuha said and thrust a thumb over his shoulder.

Shuichi looked in that direction and saw his producer slumped against the wall. K was on holiday in America so Sakano had had to deal with the full force of Shuichi by himself for the past two weeks. If K had been here, however, Shuichi had a feeling that a cold gun barrel would be stuck to his temple right about now.

A person standing against a wall caught Shuichi's attention before they disappeared around the corner. Anger flared up inside of him at the sight of the person and then smirked slightly as an evil idea formed inside his head.

Shuichi reached up and pulled Tatsuha down to him, planting a warm kiss on his lips. He felt Tatsuha smile against his lips and began to nip softly at his bottom lip. Tatsuha, instantly taking the hint, opened his mouth and let Shuichi dive in. They both moaned quietly into the kiss and only pulled apart when because they heard Hiro cough somewhere around them.

"Congratulations, Shuichi," Hiro said. "You wrote one helluva song!"

"Thanks," Shuichi said and took Tatsuha's offered hand to stand up.

"Yeah, man, that was some deep shit," Ben said and pounded Shuichi on the back.

"Yes, it was good but we have to an interview in two minutes," Suguru said and walked off toward the reporter woman.

The rest of the band followed, leaving Tatsuha to attempt to wake Sakano up, and in two mintues they found themselves surrounded by cameras and bright lights.

"Konnichiwa, I'm here with Bad Luck's Shuichi Shindou, Hiroshi Nakano, Suguru Fujisaki, and Ben Miller. So, Mr. Shindou, why the sudden change of song?" the reporter asked.

"Well, I've heard people complaining about radio stations overplaying songs lately, so I decided to give 'em something new," Shuichi shrugged.

"Oh, and what about your new album? _Cover Story_, isn't it? When will it be released?"

"In time for Christmas and the new year," Hiro said with a smile and the reporter swooned for a second before continuing.

"And what can we expect from the great Bad Luck on this album? Any thing new?"

"We'll we've done quite a few covers of American songs, so the lyrics are in English like in our single. We've also got a few new songs and a remix of the song that got us here," Suguru answered.

"The 'Rage Beat'?"

"Hai, it's not our type of song, lately, but it sounds much better than it did four years ago now that we've added Ben into the mix," Shuichi said. "'Razor's Edge' will be on the album as well."

"Ah, so any new tours coming up that the fans should know about?"

"Uh, yeah, actually. We'll be going on a tour across Japan starting on February twelfth, but in January we'll be going to the States for a short tour in twenty cities and to meet up with our manager."

"Oh, yes, Mister K. Why did he have to return to America so quickly?"

"For undisclosed reasons he has taken a holiday to see his family in America. That's all you need to know," Shuichi said and glanced around at the others for some kind of support.

"Mr. K will be back in February and if he feels that the media has a right to now what he left for, he will tell you," Ben said.

"Okay," the reporter said and shook each other their hands. "Thank you to Bad Luck for taking some time out of your afternoon to come see us."

"No problem," they all said, seeing stars when they finally turned off the bright lights.

"See ya," Shuichi said and left the room to meet with Tatsuha to check on news of Sakano.

**-------------**

Jealous amber eyes looked out from behind mirrored sunglasses as their owner watched his ex-lover make-out with his younger brother. He knew that Shuichi had seen him and had started to kiss Tatsuha just to piss him off, but that wasn't the problem. The problem was that he _was _pissed. There was nothing about Shuichi that should make him so angry, but he clearly was. Shuichi wasn't the same person that he was four years previous, but he knew that somewhere in there he was. He just had to remember.

Yuki sighed and walked off as Shuichi and the band went to their interview, leaving Tatsuha to nurse their touchy producer. Even the band was different. Not necessarily the people, well…unless you counted Ben, but their tone. Shuichi wasn't the lovesick, happy little teenage baka anymore. He'd grown into an angry twenty-two year old, and it was all because of him. Yuki didn't want to take the blame for the man's entire personality shift, but his mind mocked every other choice. It told him that even though Shuichi was different, he wasn't. He was still heartless bastard that he thought he had left behind four years ago.

He finally made it out to his car and left the building. Shuichi was probably still in his interview, which meant that he could catch about half an hour of undisturbed sleep before he got home. He hadn't slept at all the previous night. After his little "reunion" with Shuichi, he had left the building and went for a drive. No where unparticular, just to get away.

Yuki laughed slightly at that last thought. Always running and trying to get away, but always giving up and returning in the end. He was like one of those sad excuses for teenagers that run away from home when they get in a fight with Mom or Dad; they leave and then find out what it's like to be cold and alone on the streets. They return home to their parents within hours, all crying, and probably get grounded, but when one more thing goes awry they try again.

_It's like a fucking never ending circle_, he thought and laughed again.

Like the night before, and probably many more to come, Yuki slowed and pulled into the parking garage of his apartment building. He cut the engine but didn't climb out. Instead, he turned the radio up and listened to a catchy song that had been playing. All English lyrics and an almost perfect rendition of Nirvana's "Heart-Shaped Box." Was there anything that Shuichi couldn't do?

Yuki answered his own question as he climbed out of the car. _Yes, there is_, the thought. _He can't forget, either. Can't forgive._

A year before leaving for America, Yuki had done so many things to hurt the man that he couldn't blame him for not offering him forgiveness on a silver platter. This "something" was what he had run away from.

Yuki, because of pressure from work and his family, started to drink a little more than what was healthy and depended on the drinks to ease his pain. One night, while drunk, Yuki beat Shuichi, but was too drunk to remember the next morning. That's what had started it. Yuki would get drunk and then unleash his drunken wrath on the poor confused and defenseless Shuichi. Shuichi would hide the bruises under long sleeves and pants but not well enough for an unusually sober Yuki not to notice. Shuichi told Yuki everything that he had done, and then Yuki left. Probably not the best time to leave, but it was the only way that he wouldn't hurt Shuichi.

And then Shuichi had taken comfort in Tatsuha's arms.

"Gods damn you, Tatsuha. Why did you have to take the only thing that mattered to me away? You're a lucky bastard, I hope you know that," he muttered as he glanced at the closed door down the hall and disappeared into his apartment.

**-------------**

Grey eyes opened slightly as the lack of their lover's head lying in their lap became apparent. They scanned the apartment for any signs of movement or life-forms, but found none. Tatsuha began to panic quietly as he got up and searched the flat for Shuichi.

He wasn't in the living room, or the kitchen, or the bedroom. His panic became even more frantic when he checked the bathroom. Shuichi wasn't in their either, but drops of blood and a large shard of glass were in the sink. He quickly cleaned out the sink and threw the glass into the trash can, not liking where this was going at all. At least blood wasn't trailed throughout the apartment. That was a good sign.

A light breeze that he hadn't noticed before played with the hair across his forehead and he turned to see that the balcony door was open. Tatsuha's breath caught in his chest and he began to shake as realization dawned in his head. Shuichi hadn't slit his wrists, but jumped.

He closed his eyes as he walked out onto the balcony and let out a quiet sob of relief when he saw that Shuichi was sitting on the concrete railing, feet dangling over the edge and eyes staring blankly off into the distance across the lake. Tatsuha walked up behind him slowly but stopped at the emptiness in Shuichi's voice when he spoke.

"What do you want, Tatsuha? I thought you were sleeping," he said, eyes never leaving the horizon.

"I was, but then I realized that you got up and I wondered why. How long have you been out here?" he asked, placing a hand softly on Shuichi's shoulder.

"What'd you care? No one cares, no one notices."

Tatsuha began to panic more than ever at his boyfriend's obvious loneliness and moved his hand from Shuichi's shoulder to grasp one of his hands. At least now, if he did decide to jump, he'd either take Tatsuha with him or Tatsuha would be able to pull him back up.

"I care because I love you. Shuichi, you're scaring me. I saw the blood in the sink and I'm afraid that you're hurting yourself again. Are you?"

"So what if I am? At least I'm not hurting you."

"No, not physically, but mentally and emotionally you are. Why, Shu? What made you start again?"

"_He's_ back. He lives across the hall and I don't want him to. I don't want him to hurt me again. I don't want him to kiss me again." At the end, Shuichi ran his free hand across his lips to wipe them clean like a child would.

"Who's back?" A tear ran down Tatsuha's face as he pried for answers.

"Yuki."

The one word stunned Tatsuha more than his lover's obvious depression, and he wrapped an arm around Shuichi to pull him close. His brother hadn't said anything to him about returning and it was too coincidental for him to just happen to be living across from Shuichi.

"Oh, Shu," Tatsuha muttered and laid his head on Shuichi's shoulder.

"I don't want him to touch me again. He scares me. His eyes scare me."

"Don't worry, Shuichi. I'll make sure that he doesn't come near you. Trust me," Tatsuha said and squeezed his boyfriend tightly. "Now, please, come down! You're cold and you're scaring me."

"Everyone would be better off I was gone, you know? Whenever he comes into my life I always end up fucking everything up, and I don't wanna do that. Now, onegai, Tatsuha, please let me go."

"NO!" Tatsuha screamed and hugged Shuichi tighter. "I won't!"

Shuichi sighed and moved his head so he could focus his empty eyes onto Tatsuha. "Why not? I don't want this anymore."

"Wh-what? What don't you want?"

"This life, this fear, this coldness. Everything."

Tatsuha sobbed and somehow managed to lift Shuichi up from the ledge and sat him down in a lounge chair. "You listen to me, Shuichi," he said. "You are not alone! Whatever you're going through, I'll help you through it. Remember that! I'm always here for you."

"That's what Hiro said," Shuichi said with a dry laugh, "before he met Ayaka."

"Well guess what. I've already got you and you're never gonna get rid of me," Tatsuha said and kissed Shuichi between the eyes. "Now come on, let's go inside. It's cold out here."

Tatsuha pulled Shuichi up and led him into the house and back to his bedroom. He pulled Shuichi's hoodie off and choked back a sob at the sight beneath it. Shuichi's left arm was covered in cuts and a large black and blue bruise stained his bicep. A few cuts were scattered here and there across his chest and right arm, but none were as deep as the others. He gently ran his fingers over the scabs and fresh wounds, tears streaking his face.

"How long?" he managed to choke out. "When did you start again?"

Shuichi sighed and muttered his answer in a voice that Tatsuha had to strain his ears to hear. "Last night."

"What the hell, Shuichi? Over thirty cuts in twenty-four hours?"

Shuichi moved his eyes to look at the floor, afraid to let Tatsuha see him cry. He nodded.

Tatsuha collapsed into his arms and broke down, sobs shuddering violently throughout his body. Shuichi buried his fingers in raven-hair as let the tears poor freely from his own eyes, ashamed of himself for relapsing and making Tatsuha cry.

"Sorry, Tatsuha," Shuichi said through sobs. "I can't help it."

"I never blamed you for anything," Tatsuha muttered. "I'm just scared because I know that you can't help it."

Shuichi held Tatsuha for a while longer, until the man calmed down, and then let him sit up and looked at him directly.

"Hiro," Tatsuha said.

"What about him?"

"Would you like him to know about this?"

"I have a feeling that he already knows, but please don't tell him. I won't be able to stand putting that pressure on him again. I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to stand it with you," Shuichi said with a self-depreciating grin.

"Don't worry about me. I won't leave you. Not now, not ever," Tatsuha said and kissed Shuichi on the lips.

_I don't deserve him and he deserves much better than me. I don't want to hurt him like Yuki hurt me_, Shuichi thought but said. "Thank you."

"No problem," Tatsuha said and stood up. "Now let's go to bed."

Shuichi stood up and let Tatsuha pull him to his bed where they both collapsed. Shuichi laid his arm under Tatsuha's head and the other man laid his head on his shoulder. Tatsuha curled up on his side and laid a hand on Shuichi chest, afraid that he would leave him if he wasn't touching him.

"I love you," Tatsuha muttered.

"Good night, Tatsuha."

TBC…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Welp, there it is. Sorryif you don't like the Tatsuha/Shuichi pairing, but I think it'll add some good twists and lotsa angst later on. _smirks evilly_… This is gonna be good. Please R&R (good reviews and constructive criticism give me the inspiration to write faster) and give me some ideas.

Oh yeah, if you have any original sad and depressing songs or poetry that you wanna donate for songs, e-mail them to me! Onegai? Even though I did write "Razor's Edge," poetry is NOT my thing and I can't write worth crap (that's why I decided to make most of their album's songs covers. _Cover Story,_ get it? he, he -).

Anywho, I'll hopefully be updating within the next week...


	3. Truth, Lies, and Confrontation

Gomen that this took so long for me to finish and post! I've been so freakin' busy the past couple weeks that it's not even funny. I do have good news, though! No, I didn't save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switch-ing to Geico, but I did get the last volume of the series on Thursday so I can officially say that I've seen the whole series! Yay! I'm so excited. I didn't like the ending, though. 

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Yuki or Ryuichi or Shu-chan or…anything. sob But a girl can dream, right? Oh, yeah. The first song that is used to complete the album is a mixed English/Italian version of "Senzafine" ("Never-ending" in English) by Lacuna Coil, which means that I don't own it. The original song is in complete Italian but I figured it would be better to have it mixed so that Shu could sing in English and Ben could do the Latin. I know that it sounds kinda feminine, but if you don't like it poo on you 'cause it's my favorite song.

**Truth, Lies, and Confrontation...**

An auburn-haired man sat alone in a dark room that was only illuminated by the spontaneous flashes of lightning that shot across the sky, sobs violently shaking his body while he worried about his friend. He had tried his hard-est not to worry about Shuichi, but he couldn't stop thinking that Shuichi had started hurting himself again. He had seen Shuichi wince and the sorrow in the man's eyes when he had been asked to take off his jacket was more than enough proof, but why was Shuichi lying to him?

Does he not trust me? he thought. He probably thinks that I'll freak on him again.

Outside he heard someone enter his house and call out. Ayaka was home from work and here he was, alone in his room bawling his eyes out like a little girl. Great, just great.

"Hiro, where are you?" she yelled, walking throughout the apartment to find him.

"Hold on a sec, I'm coming," he shouted back and did his best to wipe his eyes before meeting her in the hall.

"You okay?" she asked.

_No._

"Yeah, I'm fine," he said and kissed her softly. "Confused, but fine."

"Confused about what? Have you been crying?"

"No, I'm just tired. I had a long day."

"If you say so," Ayaka said and shook her head. "Hey! I saw you all on tv today. Shuichi's new song is depress-ing enough, huh? I guess he found out."

"Found what out?"

How could she possibly know what his problem is?

"Oh, he didn't tell you? Eiri's back," she said and walked into the kitchen.

"WHAT? He's back? Since when?" Hiro yelled.

"He got back last night. Touma told me. He was the only person who knew. He didn't even tell Tatsuha."

"I'll kill him," Hiro said and walked toward the door, only stopped by the light grip on the back of his shirt.

"You never answered my first question?" she said softly and pulled him into the kitchen. "What're you confused about?"

Hiro shook his head, hiding himself under another layer of his protective shell. He didn't want Ayaka to pry, she understood that much, and so she didn't.

Ayaka sighed and stood up from the small table. "Just promise that you'll tell me when you're ready, Hiro. I don't like it when you act like this."

"I promise. I would tell you now, it's just that I don't know if he's doing it or not and I don't want to blame him for something that he's not doing. That just wouldn't be right," Hiro whispered.

Ayaka knew who this 'he' was and got the gist of what this 'he' was doing and why Hiro was so worried. Shuichi was Hiro's best friend and she knew that if anything ever happened to him he would just die.

"What do you want to eat, Hiro?" she asked and searched the cabinets.

"Nothing, I'm not hungry."

"I'm cooking."

"I'm still not hungry," Hiro muttered and left the kitchen without a backwards glance to isolate himself in his room again.

Ayaka sighed slightly at her boyfriend's obvious depression, but knew better than to pry. She pried last time something had happened between him and Shuichi and found herself without a boyfriend for a year. Not a fun experience, especially when she had to return home.

Once she knew that Hiro was locked in his room and not planning on coming out again for a while, Ayaka picked up the phone and hit the first number on speed dial.

The familiar voice answered, layered with sleep, but she didn't care.

"We need to talk. Now."

-------------

Shuichi stood alone under a small overhang in the cold, dark park, freezing his ass off and cursing at Hiro's incon-siderate girlfriend. Why Ayaka had called him so late and asked him to meet him in the park, he didn't know, but if she didn't arrive soon he was going to leave. It was just above freezing and rain was falling in sheets. This com-bined with the thunder and lightning that randomly decided to make their presence known didn't help to improve Shuichi's mood at all.

He was still an emotional wreck from his talk with Tatsuha, and even though he hadn't been able to sleep very well he still thought it was rude for Ayaka to have called him past midnight. He had to be at the studio by eight tomor-row morning to record the last two songs for their album and he really wasn't hoping for a repeat of the day before. Besides, they had all already made plans to go out and celebrate together later on that night and he didn't want to fall asleep and miss all of the fun.

He pulled his jacket around him tighter as footsteps came quietly around the corner and turned to see Ayaka walk-ing up to him. She was angry and he braced himself to be smacked in the face like usual when she was mad at him, but he was lucky. Ayaka stopped a few feet away from him and he saw a tear fall from one of her blue eyes as she opened her mouth to speak.

"Why won't you tell Hiro the truth? Isn't he supposed to be your friend? He's worried sick about you and has been locked up in his room crying all afternoon. He doesn't deserve what you're doing to him," she whispered.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Shuichi lied, he should have known that Ayaka would butt in somehow.

"Don't lie to me, Shuichi. You know damn well what I'm talking about."

"It's better this way," he muttered and stared at the swings as they swayed ever so slightly in the breeze. "If I tell him I'll just end up hurting him again. God, I hate how you can read between the lines so well. You always were a pain in the ass when me and Yuki used to fight."

Ayaka let out a half laugh, half cough and shook her head. "No, you were just too easy to read back when you were with Yuki. Now, however, you're the hardest person to read, but Hiro…. He is easy to read only when he's worried about someone like he is worried about you. When you started to cut after Eiri left we were all afraid that you were doing it so that you could prepare yourself for suicide, but Tatsuha saved you. But what will save you this time, Shuichi, if Tatsuha fails?"

Shuichi closed his eyes and sighed in defeat. The last thing Tatsuha would do would be to let himself fail, he knew that, but Ayaka's words always ended up being bad omens. God, I wish Tatsuha would have just let me fall. I really don't need this.

"I'm not suicidal, Ayaka. Yes, I do know that Eiri is back and, yes, he is one of the reasons that I started up again, but Hiro doesn't need to know that he's back."

Ayaka lifted her face to look at Shuichi, a glint of defiance shining in her eyes. "I already told him."

"Wh-what?" Shuichi stuttered. "Why? What did he say?"

"He said 'I'll kill him' but I stopped him and made him stay. Now, he's returned to his room and isolated himself from me. I hate seeing so Hiro upset, especially when it's you who has upset him, so please talk to him. If you don't, I will."

"Talk away," Shuichi said and turned his back on Ayaka. "Self-mutilation isn't exactly a subject that you can just slip into everyday conversation, Ayaka, and was hard enough for me to tell Tatsuha about it. I would love to be able to tell him myself, but it's difficult."

Ayaka watched as Shuichi walked off in the direction of his car and pulled her jacket tighter around her body before returning home. Tomorrow was going to be an interesting day.

-------------

"Who's ready to finish an album?" Ben yelled as everyone filed into the recording studio, a little peeved when no one answered. "I said, who's ready to finish an album!"

"We are," Shuichi mumbled and shook his fists in the air slightly in sarcasm.

"Who died and gave Shu-chan their sense of humor?" Ben joked and elbowed Shuichi in the side. "What's up?"

Shuichi shook his head and Ben knew better than to ask questions. "Okay…if you say so," he said and plopped down on the couch.

"All we have to do is record the arrangement for 'Senzafine' and then it's up to Shuichi and Ben from there," Suguru said. "No pressure."

"Why did you even come, Suguru?" Ben asked. "Since 'Senzafine' is acoustic and Shu and Hiro are doing that and the lyrics are all mostly Shu, you don't have anything to do. We could have just called you when we were done and you could have met us at the club."

"True, but I want to make sure that it's done right. I'm posing as both K and Sakano today, so don't mess up."

"Now that's a pair of personalities that I would not want to see in one person!" Hiro laughed and picked up his gui-tar. "Come on, Shuichi."

Shuichi picked up his guitar and followed Hiro into the booth. It took three tries to get the arrangement to satisfy everyone, and then Hiro was switched out for Ben so he and Shuichi could record the lyrics.

"Ready?" Ben asked with a smile.

"As I'll ever be; at least I'm not doing the Italian."

Ben laughed and they both gave Suguru a thumbs up to start the music.

Shuichi waited for his part as the guitars played through his headphones and started to belt out the lyrics.

"My time moves slowly  
Gliding across the veil of my nude skin  
If I should cross the border you made for me  
Maybe I would not be here

But now what sense does it make  
To try and embrace a more pristine past  
Looking forward I will take the risk  
but I'll finally find the answers to my why's..."

Shuichi shrank back and Ben came forward and belted out the Italian like it was his mother tongue.

"Tutto ciò che sarai  
era già stato scritto  
se davvero esiste  
questo dio ha fallito

Ogni prola pronunciata  
sarà lo speccho del tuo dolore  
riflette la colpa  
alimenta l'odio..."

Shuichi was back again and Ben joined in a few times with some background lyrics.

"Mother (Madre)

I'll choose my destiny  
If I'm able to resist

I'm still standing in this moment of pure madness  
I don't know anymore if I should desire good or evil  
Although sin maybe gives me more

Now what sense does it make  
To try and resist a written destiny  
I'm not going to sit back and watch  
Without trying to resist you

Waking me up (Risvegliarmi)

Mother (Madre)

I'll choose my destiny  
If I'm able to resist

Wake me up (risvegliami)

There's no life without me  
There's no choice without me."

They wrapped up the song, and when played back they decided that it was fine the way that it was and no correc-tions needed to be made. Shuichi returned into the booth and let the headphones hug his ears again before shout-ing out to the others.

"Hey, guys. Could you turn the lights out in here, please?"

"Whatever you want," Ben yelled over the intercom and the room went dark.

Shuichi closed his eyes and concentrated on the lyrics to "Razor's Edge." He had asked Ben to down the lights because he knew that no matter how hard he tried he was going to end up breaking down while singing. After all the years of singing about love when he wasn't loved himself he had learned to mask his tears and keep his voice as normal as possible while singing so the others wouldn't realize that he was crying. 

He snapped his fingers twice to let the others know that he was ready and sighed slightly as the music started to play through the headphones.

The lyrics poured from his mouth and he actually managed to keep his tears under control. The only emotions he poured into the song were rage and hate. Hate at himself for being so stupid and vulnerable, rage at himself for writing the song about the person that he had. He didn't have to force himself to scream the fourth angry verse; he allowed his rage to pour out, but when the last verse came around he couldn't hold his tears in any longer. The twin rivers of hate and betrayal flowed out along with the lyrics and he barely acknowledged the yells and clapping that came from the studio on the other side of the glass.

He rapped up the song and asked Ben and Suguru to leave the lights dimmed and just play the song back through the headphones. They complied willingly enough and Shuichi listened to himself sing, less than satisfied when he noticed that the last lyrics were laced with sobs.

"I wanna redo the last verse," he yelled through the intercom.

"Really? Man, that was the best one!" Hiro replied. He didn't have to hear the song to know that Shuichi had been crying. He had seen the man wipe his tears away when he was finished and, now that he understood who the song was about, he grew even angrier at himself for being so blind.

"I wanna redo the last verse," Shuichi repeated. "I don't like it, I could have done better."

"Alright," Hiro said and Suguru set it up so that they could redo it.

Four tries and an hour later, Shuichi finally left the booth and was greeted by three very enthusiastic band mates.

"Album's finally done!" Ben yelled and clapped him on the back. "You did awesome recording 'Razor's Edge.' I dunno why you wanted to redo it so many times."

Shuichi shrugged him away and made for the exit. "I'll be back in a second," he mumbled and left.

"I think someone's having a bad day," Ben muttered and watched as Hiro followed Shuichi out of the room.

-------------

Shuichi left and Hiro followed. He knew that his friend would want to be alone right now, but he was afraid that Shuichi might do something. It sucks, always being paranoid that your friend is going to kill himself at any second. That's how he felt last time and how he didn't want to feel this time, but he couldn't ignore a hunch whenever he had one.

He kept his distance and followed Shuichi to the bathroom. He entered and faintly heard Shuichi whispering the lyrics to another one of their songs. "Alone" was Shuichi's most prized song, and most depressing, and Hiro stiff-ened at the part of the song that he entered in upon.

"Die, I die alone  
bleeding on the cold linoleum floor  
I try to call you for help  
but my throat hurts too much…  
I die alone..."

"Shuichi," he muttered. "I want to talk to you."

No reply. Shuichi continued singing the last verse of the song, and Hiro got down and looked under the stall doors to find which one his friend was in. He saw Shuichi's Chuck's and disposed hoodie lying underneath the last door and knocked on it lightly.

"Please, Shuichi. Ayaka told me about seeing you this morning and I just want to talk to you about it," he whis-pered and sighed quietly as Shuichi unlocked the door but didn't leave.

"You're mad, I know you are," Shuichi muttered, "and although I understand why, please don't yell at me. I really don't need it right now."

"I wasn't going to yell, Shuichi. I just want to understand why you do it. Ayaka told me that Eiri Yuki is back, but that isn't a good enough reason for you to go and start cutting yourself again."

Shuichi sighed and walked from the stall to the sink. Hiro saw the blood on his friend's arm and quickly diverted his eyes to look at the mirror. "He kissed me," Shuichi choked out as he washed away the blood. "He had me pinned against the wall, and I started to remember. I thought he was going to hit me, but he kissed me."

"That bastard," Hiro growled and punched the wall. "Does Tatsuha know? Ayaka said that Yuki didn't tell anyone but Touma. Is that true?"

"Yes, Tatsuha knows but only because I told him. And, yes, Touma was the only one that knew who Mister Eric Ullman really was, but he still sent me to pick him up. I hate that bastard. I hope he rots in hell," Shuichi said with dry laugh.

"As do we all," Hiro coughed and put a hand on Shuichi shoulder. "Can I see them, Shuichi?"

"If you really want to," Shuichi said and held out his arms.

Hiro's reaction was better than Shuichi thought it would be, and the man actually didn't end up breaking down. He lightly ran gentle fingers over the wounds and gave Shuichi a quick hug before tossing him his hoodie.

"If he does anything else to hurt you, call me! You may think you're alone, but remember…me, Tatsuha, Ben, and Ryu will always be here for you when you need us. Never forget that."

Shuichi nodded and pulled his hoodie over his head before following Hiro out of the bathroom.

"SHU-CHAN!" a voice down the hall yelled and before he could brace himself Shuichi was tackled to the ground by a mop of brunette hair and a pink bunny rabbit.

_My God! Where in the hell does this man come from? He's like fuckin' little kid._

"Ryuichi, hey man. How've you been? I haven't seen or heard from you in forever," Shuichi said with a fake smile.

"I went to America for a while to get away. I just got back today," Ryuichi exclaimed and hugged Shuichi.

"America, huh? Did ya have fun?"

"Oh, yeah. Me and Kuma-chan wanna tell you all about it! We'll have to go out and catch up on old times some-time, na no da!"

"Yeah, I'll have to check with Tatsuha to see about plans, though."

"How come you gotta check with Tat-chan? You're a big boy and can make your own choices! Let's go now!" Ryuichi pouted, tears forming in his big blue eyes.

"I have to talk to Tatsuha because we're dating now, Ryu, and I gotta make sure we're not doing anything. Hey, I know! Come celebrate with us tonight. The band and I just finished up our album and are gonna go out. You can join if you want," Shuichi said and stood up, offering Ryuichi a hand to stand up.

"Oooo, did you hear that, Kuma-chan? Shu-chan's got a boyfriend!" Ryuichi giggled.

A pink rabbit's head poked from behind Ryuichi's shoulder. "Kuma-chan is happy for Shu-chan! Tatsuha won't hurt Shu-chan so Shu-chan can always be sparkly!"

Ryuichi nodded his head and Kumagorou disappeared, only to be replaced by a serious Ryuichi. "I'm really glad for you, Shuichi. Tatsuha's different and I hope that you'll always be happy. I hate seeing you sad," he said and a shadow formed over his eyes as he remembered Shuichi three and a half years ago. "I never want to see you sad again."

Shuichi jumped at Ryuichi's words and actually allowed himself to flash a small smile. He hated it but no matter how depressed he was, Ryuichi always managed to make him happy or at least smile. "Thank you, Ryu," he said and was engulfed in another hug before Ryuichi ran off.

"I see you later, Shuichi," he yelled and made it to the corner before Shuichi realized something.

"Hey, Ryu," he yelled and Ryuichi stopped.

"Yeah?"

"You never gave me an answer. You comin' tonight or what?"

"Wouldn't miss it," Ryuichi smiled and disappeared around the corner.

"What just happened here?" Hiro said, a dumbfounded look on his face.

"That was just Ryuichi at his best," Shuichi said with another smile and lead Hiro back to the studio to meet the band.

-------------

A soft knocking on wood roused a brunette man from his sleep. He jumped as he looked at the clock and fell off the couch. It was two o'clock in the afternoon! He had crashed when he got home the night before and had slept for over eighteen hours. The knocking on the door persisted and the person didn't seem to want to back down.

"Hold on a minute!" he yelled and ran to the bathroom.

There he pulled on a pair of sweats and a tee-shirt and raked his fingers through his bed hair in an attempt to make himself presentable. The knocking on the door became louder and he could hear the door as it rattled slightly on its hinges.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," he yelled and ran to open the door.

The sight that he was met with wasn't one that he expected to see so soon, he actually hoped to never see the person again. His younger brother was standing there, raven-hair dishelved and hanging in his eyes which were bloodshot from constant crying or lack of sleep or God knows what. How Tatsuha had found out that he was back in Japan and where he was living, he didn't know, but he didn't have time to ask questions either. He got one glance at the wreck of a man and was pushed into his apartment and slammed against the wall. Tatsuha kicked the door closed behind him and punched his brother in the face.

"Hello to you too, Tatsuha," Yuki growled and pushed his brother away from him.

"Don't be smart with me, Eiri. How in the hell could you do that to him? He never did a thing to deserve anything that you did to him!" Tatsuha yelled and hit his brother again.

Yuki grabbed his brother by the arm and swung him around, slamming him into the wall and putting an arm over his throat. "I don't know what the hell you're talking about, Tatsuha, so you better start explaining something be-fore you get hurt."

"What'll you do? Kill me? I don't think Touma'll know to come to your rescue and bail you out this time, so I hope you have an empty closet to hide me in."

Yuki growled and shoved himself away from the younger man. Tatsuha's harsh words stung, but he wouldn't let himself show it. Showing emotion was a sign of weakness, always had been and always would be.

"At least explain yourself and stop being a smart ass," Yuki said and walked to the coffee table to grab a cigarette.

"I'm talking about what you did to Shuichi, Eiri, and your drinking. No wonder he's so messed up."

Yuki froze at his brother's accusation. Shuichi didn't possibly tell him about that, did he?

"I don't know what you're talking, Tatsuha."

"Bullshit! You know exactly what I'm talking about. How could you do that to someone as innocent and beautiful as he was and still is?"

"Yeah, let me tell you. He's so beautiful, like a piece of fine art," Yuki said with sarcasm. "What'd you care if I did do something to him? It was just the same shit on a different day."

"I care because he's now with me," Tatsuha whispered, smirking slightly at the look on his brother's face.

"You're what?" Yuki gaped, pretending to be surprised. "Since when?"

"As of three months ago," Tatsuha said smugly, "and there's no sign that it's gonna end any time soon. Is that a good excuse?"

"I don't care who he's with, it's not like he's the reason I came back here," Yuki said and plopped down onto the couch.

"Oh, no? What about that kiss?" Tatsuha said and smirked again.

Gods damn you, Shuichi Shindou! Why did you have to tell him of all people?

"I haven't done anything to him but argue about his stereo being too loud whenever I'm trying to sleep," Yuki said and looked away from his brother to stare out the window. "That's it."

Tatsuha shook his head and followed his brother's gaze. "Then what's so important outside the window that makes it so you can't look me in the eye when you say that?"

"So what if I did? He's yours and it was before I knew that. Gomen, but all of my old emotions and feelings to-ward him are gone."

Tatsuha chuckled and shook his head again. No matter how much his brother lied to him about it he knew that they were going to end up having to battle each other in a long and hard war. Tatsuha knew that somewhere in-side, Shuichi still had his feelings for his older brother, but he wasn't going to lose him. Especially to someone who had hurt him so badly in the past.

"You should have seen him after you left, Bro. He was fucking suicidal and would have killed himself if I hadn't of stopped him. He literally still carries the scars from that battle, and he's started again. His arms are covered and even though he knows that I know he won't stop. My razor disappeared last night and I found it broken open this morning in one of the drawers next to our bed along with a knife, shards of glass, Band-aids, and antiseptic. If he kills himself because of you, I won't let you forget it."

"If you're trying to make me feel bad, you've failed miserably, Tatsuha. Look at him, cutting's in his nature. All the idiots like him do it. And, judging from yesterday's anthem, I'm guessing that he even writes songs about it."

"You're such a biased bastard, Eiri. Always have been, always will be. I just wish you would get over it and start-ing seeing people for who they really are, and not just judge them on how they dress or act because without realiz-ing it you've become a victim of your own accusations."

"What in hell are you talking about, Tatsuha?"

"Just look at you! It's disgusting! You're always hiding behind your little love novelist façade. None of your lovely lady fans could possibly know that you're the cold, heartless bastard that you really are because your whole life has been a lie!" Tatsuha bellowed and found himself pinned to the wall with his brother's hand over his throat. "Whad-dya know! Looks like I struck a nerve. Did I piss little Eiri off?"

"Shut the fuck up, Tatsuha!" Yuki snarled and squeezed his brother's throat harder. "You don't know the half of it!"

Not able to talk because of the pressure on his throat, Tatsuha spit in his brother's face and got punched in the stomach. Yuki made the wrong move, however, by letting go of the younger Uesugi's throat because Tatsuha launched himself at his brother and tackled him to the floor. Tatsuha pummeled Yuki with punches and was quickly pushed away and punched once across the face. Tatsuha felt blood ooze from a cut inside his mouth and threw a disgusted look at his brother to see that he had a black eye that was already beginning to swell and his lip was split.

The two men stood and stared at each other in silence for a few minutes, neither of them really knowing what to say. Tatsuha was the one to break the silence, and what he had to say really didn't help to increase Yuki's mood any.

"I'm not sorry for this, Bro, and if you really do believe that Shuichi will come crawling back to you, it isn't over. I may have been one of the few people who was for your all's relationship in the past, but now I'm not going to hand him over to you without a fight," he said and wiped the blood from the corner of his mouth.

"Get the fuck out of my house," Yuki said, his voice quavering slightly with every word.

Tatsuha turned and walked toward the door, pausing to turn back and look at his brother one more time before leaving.

"I won't hold back," he mumbled and left the apartment and brother alone and confused.

TBC…  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
A/N: Yay, that was fun! I wanna make Yuki and Tatsuha fight again! There was so much more that I wanted to add onto this chapter but I'll just save it all for the next one. Plus, this chapter would have ended up being about twenty pages long if I would have said all that I wanted to say. This is a good thing, though, because I know what I wanna do which means NO WRITER'S BLOCK! Yay!

Sorry again that this took so long and for the cheesy Geico joke in the beginning author's note. It wasn't as funny as I thought it was going to be, but I just left it in there so you all will know how much of a dork I am. -

Please R&R this chapter and tell me what you think about happened in this chapter and what you want to happen in chapters to come. ASK ME SOME QUESTIONS! Onegai? I want to know that you're actually enjoying my stuff and not just giving me good reviews to make me happy like my friends do. sob Even if you're not confused, just ask to make me feel special and important! Onegai! I like feeling important and thinking that people really care! O.o


	4. Even the Strong Have Weaknesses

Hey everyone! Chapter four is now back up!...

**Disclaimer**: I don't own _Gravitation_, of course, Maki Murakami does. If I did, Yuki would be mine, ALL MINE! And I wouldn't share him with any of you! Mwuhahahahahahaha! …Okay, maybe it's a good thing that I don't. _pout_

**Even the Strong Have Weaknesses**

_"Yuki, I'm home!" a certain pink-haired singer exclaimed as he bounced into their apartment after a long and hard day at the studio._

_He searched the oversized apartment for his lover, depositing his backpack in their room, but there was no sign of the blonde anywhere. His cigarettes were gone and so were his car keys, so, deciding that the man just got tired of being alone, Shuichi sprawled out on the couch and turned on the television._

_"News, news, cartoons, news, news,… Ooo! Our new music video!" he exclaimed as he flipped through the channels. Just the week before, Bad Luck had made the video for their single "In the Moonlight" and the song had become an overnight success._

_Shuichi sang along with the voice reverberating off the walls of the house and let sleep slowly overcome his body. He couldn't remember how long he had slept, but he was soon woken up by the closing of the front door. He bolted up from where he was lying, preparing himself for the worst, and was surprised to see Yuki walk into the kitchen and throw his keys onto the counter._

_"Yuki!" The bundle of energy jumped up from the couch and ran over to give his lover a hug. "Where have you been?"_

_"Where have _I_ been? Where in the hell have _you_ been? First, you didn't come home and, then, I couldn't find you anywhere!" Yuki yelled._

_Shuichi cringed slightly at Yuki's obvious anger and whispered his answer. "I had to work late tonight, I thought I told you. I tried calling you to remind you but you didn't answer the home phone or your cell phone, so I was screwed. Gomen that I worried you."_

_"Don't worry about it," Yuki said with a small smile and hungrily kissed his boyfriend. _

_He ran his fingers in a light dance up and down Shuichi's spine, teasing and hinting to him like he always did when he was in the mood. Shuichi, however, was tired and didn't want to do anything that would make him more exhausted than he already was. He shivered and pulled away from Yuki, headed for the bathroom, but Yuki grabbed onto the back of his shirt._

_"Where do you think you're going?" Yuki asked and pulled Shuichi back to him. "I'm not done with you yet."_

_"I have to go to the bathroom," Shuichi said as he struggled to get out of the blonde's grasp, cursing at the fact that he was so puny. "Yuki, please let me go."_

_"You can do it later." Yuki pushed Shuichi into a corner and pressed his body against Shuichi, leaving the boy to struggle futilely._

_"Yuki, I'm tired and I don't want to do this right now! Please let me go!" Shuichi yelled, tears beginning to well in the corners of his eyes. "What did I do?"_

_"I thought we talked about this already. You could at least repay me in some way for not telling me that you had to work late. I worried my ass of all night."_

_"I told you that I was sorry, Yuki. Is that not enough? I'll make it up to you some other night. Now please let me go!" Shuichi pleaded, still struggling in the arms of the person he loved and was terrified of the most._

_Yuki growled and grabbed one of Shuichi's wrists, forcefully pinning it to the wall above his head._

_"Ow, Yuki, you're hurting me!" Shuichi shrieked and found himself slapped across the face._

_"Shut the fuck up!" Yuki snarled, face inches away from Shuichi's._

_Shuichi could just barely smell the hint of alcohol on Yuki's breath and he began to struggle even harder as Yuki moved his lips down to his neck._

He's just drunk again. He doesn't know what he's doing,_ he thought to himself. _He'll stop and pass out in a few minutes. It won't be like before.

_He was wrong. Yuki ripped open Shuichi's dress shirt and ran his hand lightly over his boy's bare chest, enjoying the fact that Shuichi was actually starting to calm down a bit and not realizing that it was from exhaustion, not pleasure. He slid his hand down Shuichi's chest and stuck it down the waistband of the boy's pants._

_"LET ME GO, YUKI!" Shuichi screamed and his boyfriend slapped him again._

_"I thought I told you to shut up!" Yuki growled and kissed the confused boy before he could respond again._

_Shuichi moaned into the kiss in pain, and actually managed to wriggle out of Yuki's grasp and push him away. The blonde man stood confused for two seconds, but those few were more than enough for Shuichi to get away. The pink-haired boy dashed back to the bathroom with his boyfriend following close behind. He almost made it to the bathroom but Yuki grabbed the back of his shirt. He just shrugged it off and left Yuki with an empty shirt while he locked himself in the bathroom_

_Yuki pounded on the door and yelled for Shuichi to open but Shuichi couldn't hear him over his sobs of pain and confusion. He dug around in the drawers of the bathroom counter until he found a double-edged straight razor and then collapsed onto the cold marble floor, propping the blade between his thighs. The sobs caused violent shudders to ripple throughout his body and he listened to his mind as it mocked him._

'Go ahead, do it! No one will miss you.'

'It'll hurt less than what you're suffering though now. After the pain will be pure bliss and freedom.'

'Just imagine the look on Yuki's face when he finds you dead in a puddle of blood when he comes in here to puke his guts out in the morning. Imagine how everyone will react when they realize what happened. They won't care and they won't blame you. All of the blame will go on Yuki. That's what you want, isn't it?'

_"No," Shuichi muttered and let the blade fall to the floor._

_He stared at the light as it reflected off the cold steel, his thoughts circling. The bright glare was beautiful, in a morbid kind of way, and he picked the blade up again to stare at it. With one soft fluid motion, he brought the blade down to his skin and drew it across the underside of his arm. His tears came to a quick halt as he watched the blood well up at the opening of the wound and then run freely down his arm, all of his pain and confusion seeming to disappear along with it._

_Shuichi stood up from the floor and barely acknowledged Yuki yelling that he'd break down the door if he didn't open it soon. He put the blade back where he had found it and cleaned and bandaged the wound, using some of the liquid bandage to quickly and invisibly hide the cut._

_"Shuichi, if you don't open this goddamn door right now I'll…" Yuki stopped short as Shuichi opened the bathroom door and walked out as if nothing had happened._

_"I'm going to bed, Yuki. You can either come back with me or you can sleep in here because I know that the toilets going to be your best friend when you wake up in the morning," Shuichi said calmly and headed back for their room._

_Yuki reached out and grabbed Shuichi by the wrist. He pulled Shuichi back into their room and threw him onto the bed before removing his and Shuichi's clothing in a matter of seconds. He climbed on top of the tired boy with a sadistic grin on his face and forced himself upon him, using one arm to pin both of Shuichi's hands above his head so he couldn't struggle like he had before._

_It didn't stop Shuichi from struggling, however, and even though Yuki chose to act like it didn't bother him, the boy knew that he was really starting to piss his lover off. _

_Yuki bit at Shuichi's neck hard enough to draw blood and he smirked as Shuichi yelped in pain._

_"Yuki, get off of me!" he screamed and, when Yuki didn't let up any, spit in his lover's face._

_Yuki struck the boy again and Shuichi saw stars pass in front of his eyes before he came back to his senses. Acting like he was going to play along, Shuichi picked his head up and began to nip and suck at Yuki' neck. When Yuki began to relax a little bit and started to moan, Shuichi took the opportunity to bite down on his lover's neck as hard as he could, tears steaming unchecked down his frail, innocent face._

_"WHAT THE HELL? YOU JUST FUCKING BIT ME!" Yuki yelled and stood up from the bed and Shuichi._

_Shuichi took the opportunity to run again but he didn't get far. Yuki was standing in front of the only exit and he grabbed Shuichi's arm and swung him around, throwing him against the wall. Shuichi slumped to the floor with sobs shaking his body and he cringed when he felt Yuki's shadow looming over him._

_"Get up," Yuki commanded; just succeeding in getting angry when Shuichi didn't comply. "Get the fuck off the floor!"_

_When Shuichi didn't move, Yuki grabbed onto the hair at the back of the boy's head and pulled him up from the ground. Shuichi shrieked in pain but it didn't register in Yuki's intoxicated mind. He pushed Shuichi's into the wall and made him turn his head so he could kiss him forcefully on the lips._

_Shuichi stood there limply, not knowing what to do or where to go. He gave up all hope and the first icy layer was laid upon his heart. He still tried to struggle but he knew that it was futile. Yuki was bigger and stronger than him, and he was exhausted._

_"That's a good boy," Yuki whispered into Shuichi's ear like he was congratulating a dog and then nipped at his lightly. "See how much easier this is when you don't struggle, Shuichi?"_

_"No, Yuki, please," Shuichi muttered and darkness overcame him as he let Yuki take control of his body for the night…_

**-------------**

"Ow, Yuki, you're hurting me!"

Tatsuha closed his book and furrowed his brow as his boyfriend muttered something in his sleep. He hadn't caught enough of what Shuichi had said to know what he was talking about, but one thing he did hear was his brother's name.

_'Gods damn you, Eiri. He even has nightmares about it!'_

They had gotten home a little after midnight after a long night of clubbing, and both of them had been exhausted. Shuichi immediately went back and crashed and Tatsuha, wanting to be as close to him as possible, opted to lie next to him and read more of his interesting book.

"LET ME GO, YUKI!" Shuichi screamed and began to writhe around on the bed next to him.

Tatsuha reached over to shake the man but stopped when Shuichi calmed and laid still, a cold sweat slicking his body. The raven-haired man became extremely worried about his boyfriend but after a few minutes of silence decided it was over. He returned back to his book and got a few pages before…

"No, Yuki, please," Shuichi moaned.

"Okay, that's it," Tatsuha muttered and laid a hand on his boyfriend's arm and shook him. He didn't respond at first so Tatsuha began to shake harder, not stopping until he felt Shuichi grab at his arms in a gesture to stop.

"I'm awake, Tatsuha," he groaned and frowned when he saw the worry in his lover's eyes. "You okay? What happened?"

"I was about to ask the same of you," Tatsuha said and moved to sit cross-legged across on the bed across from Shuichi. "You were talking in your sleep."

Shuichi's eyes got wide and then sad, moving to gaze at the bed's comforter as his fingers toyed with a frayed piece of string. "What all did you hear?"

"Enough to know what you were dreaming about," Tatsuha muttered and laid a hand on Shuichi's arm. "Shu, I want to help you get over it and, although I realize that his return really hasn't helped me in completing that task, I can't help you unless you talk to me. Don't hold everything in because it'll tear you apart like it did before."

Shuichi sighed and looked up to meet Tatsuha's grey eyes with his own amethyst ones. "I know," he muttered, "it's just hard for me to talk about it. And if I'm gonna have to relive it before I can get over it, this really sucks."

Tatsuha laughed and pulled Shuichi close to him and into a hug. "I know it does, but you'll also be set free in a way. No more nightmares, no more worries, no more Yuki. Living with his brother probably doesn't help to make it any better, though, does it?"

Shuichi looked at Tatsuha in surprise. Tatsuha smiled weakly and stared at the picture on the wall behind Shuichi. "That's what I thought."

"N-no, Tatsuha, you're what's keeping me alive. If it wasn't for you…" Shuichi didn't have to finish that sentence for Tatsuha to know what he meant. "I love you more than anything in this world and I don't care if you're his brother. In my mind you aren't even related because there's no way that someone as kind and loving as you can possibly be kin to a heartless bastard like Yuki. I just won't accept that."

"Thanks," Tatsuha muttered and let Shuichi take his lips in a soft kiss.

"Any time," Shuichi laughed and lay back down on the bed, pulling Tatsuha down on top of him. "Uh-oh, what're you gonna do now?" he smirked.

Tatsuha laughed and gladly took the opportunity to be the dominant one in bed for once.

Twenty minutes later the two lovers lay peacefully in each others arms. Tatsuha laid his head on top of the shorter man's and breathed in the scent of his herbal shampoo he liked to use. Shuichi muttered something and Tatsuha had to strain his ears to hear the surprising question.

"Tatsuha, do you love me? I mean, really love me?"

Tatsuha jumped at the question and sighed softly into Shuichi's raven locks.

"Of course I do, Shuichi. You're my life and I would die without you."

"I guess it goes both ways," Shuichi chuckled.

"I guess," Tatsuha muttered and held Shuichi closer. The raven-haired man had been in Tatsuha's thoughts almost to the point of obsession, and he couldn't stop thinking about what would have happened if he hadn't of woken up when he did the night before.

"What's wrong, Tat-chan?" Shuichi questioned, crinkling his brow in worry at the look of sadness on Tatsuha's face.

"Nothing, I'm just…thinking about stuff," Tatsuha whispered and kissed Shuichi in the head. "Nothing to worry about."

Shuichi dropped he conversation for the moment but stuck it in the back of his mind to ask Tatsuha about later. Even though he thought he knew what was bothering the man it still bugged him. The worst thing about cutting…you hurt everyone else also.

"Okay. You just looked worried, 's all. It must've just been me."

"Must have."

Tatsuha ran his fingers lightly through Shuichi's hair and in no time both of them lay asleep entwined together by limbs and bed sheets.

**-------------**

A large American man ran his fingers through his short bleached blonde hair as he entered the small coffee ship to meet with the members of Bad Luck for their last get together, except a photo shoot, before the American tour started. He was instantly hit by the aromas of mocha lattes and warm pastries and looked around to check out all of the people before disappearing into the back room created specially for Back Luck. Why did the band pick a small downtown coffee shop to hold their meetings in? Why not? It was exactly that, small, and all of the people were kind enough to leave be unless one of the band members approached them.

"Hey, Ben!" Shuichi exclaimed with a huge grin when Ben entered.

"Yo, Shu-chan! Nice to see you smiling and happy today," he smiled back, sitting in the chair opposite the lead singer like he usually did. It didn't take long for him to notice the lack of complaint at the fact that he was late. "Okay, where's Fujisaki?"

Shuichi just shrugged and shook his head. "Not here yet."

Ben busted out laughing at that. "So he constantly nags on you and me about being late and now he's gonna show up late? Ha! I don't think so. Just wait 'til he gets here 'cause I'm gonna give him an earful."

Shuichi laughed and shook his head at Ben. The American was right, as annoying as Suguru's complaining was, it was hilarious when they got to throw it back in his face.

"And what about Hiro?" Ben asked.

"I'm here," Hiro said from behind him and walked into the room. "Bathroom break."

"Ah. I hope everything came out okay," Ben said and laughed at the look on Hiro's face. "Just a little American humor for ya."

Hiro nodded and Shuichi began to laugh as well. "You okay, man? You look…confused. Or violated. Pick one."

Then Hiro started to crack up. Laughter filled the small room and echoed off the walls. One of the waitresses even had to come back to check that everything was alright.

"Everything okay back here?" she asked and Hiro stopped laughing immediately.

"Yeah, Lexie, everything's fine," Ben said and a grin broke out on the waitress's face as she recognized the voice.

"It's about time you came to see me, Benjamin!" she said, her hands on her hips. "I thought that you forgot about me, koi."

"How could I forget about you? You're too cute to forget."

A pretty blush crept up the Asian American woman's face as Ben's compliment began to sink in. "You still could've called me."

Ben sighed and rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah, sorry about that. We've been extremely busy lately, and all of the time I haven't been spending at the studio, I've spent sleeping while you were at work. Finishing this album has been a lot harder than the last was."

Alexis began to laugh at that. "How could it be harder when there were only three songs written? I would think that it would be easier."

"That's what everyone _would _think," Shuichi said, "but we also had to make the songs sound as close to their American counterparts as possible. Plus, there's fact that there were twenty-three songs."

Alexis stopped laughing and the blush on her face returned two shades darker. "Oh…sorry. I didn't realize that it was like that," she apologized, scowling at Ben who had started to laugh. "What's so funny, Benjamin?"

"Nothing, nothing," Ben smirked and stopped laughing as Suguru finally walked into the room. "Well, well. Lookie here, fellas. Fujisaki finally decided to join us!"

Suguru cast his eyes down to the ground at Ben's comment and his face slightly turned red. "Okay, Ben, I get it. I'm late, I know. Gomen, I had business to attend to before arriving here and it ran over longer than I thought it would," he apologized and bowed.

Ben couldn't stop himself from laughing and he crossed the room to slap Suguru on the back. "It's okay, man. I's just joking."

Suguru straightened back up and scowled slightly at Ben. "Kami-sama, Ben. You're such a bastard!" he said and moved to his seat at the round table where Shuichi and Hiro left.

"Yeah, I get called that often," Ben said and threw a glance at Alexis before taking his seat at the table as well.

"Can I get y'all anything to eat or drink before you start arguing like you usually do?" Alexis asked, ignoring Ben's glare and finally deciding to do her job.

The four members gave her their order and she left the room to retrieve what they wanted, returning a few minutes later with a tray full of coffee, tea, cappuccino, and warm pastries.

"Thanks, Lexie," they all said and she left the room so they could debate in peace.

Suguru pulled a binder that held all of the information, lyrics, and original CDs that they took covers from out of his leather satchel and dropped it onto the table. "Okay, I think I can officially say that the album is complete!" he exclaimed and let everyone get their happiness out before continuing. "And I wanted to go over the order the songs will be placed in on the cd. I came up with an idea list, but wanted to run it by all of you first."

"Read it," Hiro said. "We're all ears."

"Okay," Suguru said and flipped through hundreds of sheets of loose leaf paper with notes and lyrics scrawled upon them until he got to the one he wanted. "I put all of the songs in order by the artists that originally recorded them. Meaning that all of the Seether songs are grouped together, and so on." He looked up to make sure everyone was listening before continuing. "Okay, one through four are all Seether and they are 'Sold Me,' 'Needles,' 'Take Me Away,' and 'Hang On.' Next are Slipknot's 'Vermillion' and 'Vermillion Part Two.' Next are Evanescence's 'Lies' and 'Whisper,' followed by 'Pushing Me Away' by Linkin Park, 'With This Knife' by Smile Empty Soul and 'Heart-shaped Box' by Nirvana. The next four are all Lacuna Coil and they are 'Senzafine,' 'The Prophet Said,' 'Daylight Dancer,' and 'Tight Rope.' Next come 'Dead Skin' and 'Colors' by Crossfade followed by 'So Cold' by Breaking Benjamin." At this Ben did the "rock on" sign with his fingers and a small smirk crossed his face. Suguru just rolled his eyes at the American and continued on like he didn't see anything. "Next are 'Redefine' and 'Pride' by Soil, and then the album's wrapped up with 'Alone,' 'Let Go,' and 'Razor's Edge' by us."

"Sound fine to me," Shuichi said and took the plastic binder handed to him. He quickly scanned over Suguru's fine script and handed the notebook to Hiro who nodded and passed it to Ben.

"No smart ass comments please, Ben," Suguru groaned through gritted teeth.

Ben snorted and handed the binder back to Suguru. "Give me a chance for once, Fujisaki!" he pouted. "I'm not as bad as you think I am."

"Start acting like it and I'll start believing it," Suguru muttered and flipped to an open page in the binder while pulling out a pen, transforming back into business mode. "Okay, now I think that we need to come up with some kind of outline of what and how we're going to perform during our American tour."

It was Shuichi's turn to snort and he glared at Suguru in disbelief. "You're gonna take all the fun out of performing live, Suguru."

"No, I'm not taking the fun out of it, I just want to be a little more organized than our last American tour," he stated and everyone started to laugh as they remembered what had happened at more than a few of their concerts.

At least once at every concert, the band had started to play a different song than the one that Shuichi started singing. Luckily, though, the lyrics had been in Japanese and the few people who did realize what was going on just laughed and went along with the show. It had actually been quite funny because the lyrics didn't even sound like they belonged with the beat, but Shuichi didn't stop singing. That's how he was.

"You have to admit that it was funny, though," Shuichi said and allowed the laughter to die down before continuing, "but I think you're right. It does need to be a tad bit more organized. Maybe we should just come up with a list of songs that we wanna do for our first concert and then work with each concert individually. We can mix it up and decide what we want to do while we go along."

"Whatever, you say boss," Suguru said and listened as the other three started to bounce ideas off one another.

Three hours and six cups of coffee each later, the four members of Bad Luck left the confines of their "dungeon," as the owner liked to call it, and visited with the late afternoon crowd of the small shop. They signed a few napkin autographs and when seven o' clock came around Shuichi announced that he had plans to meet Tatsuha at a restaurant on the other end of town by seven-thirty, so, with that said, they all decided to head home and come up with plans of their own.

**-------------**

Tatsuha stared impatiently at his watch as he waited for Shuichi to show up at the restaurant they had decided to meet at. He was thirty minutes late and counting and it didn't look like he was going to show up anytime soon. He had already gotten three refills on his drink and eaten half of the appetizer he had ordered to share with his boyfriend.

He was just about to get up and leave when Shuichi ran into the restaurant and to their table.

"Sorry for being so late, koi, but traffic was a bitch!" he apologized and plopped down into the booth next to Tatsuha. "I even left the coffee shop fifteen minutes earlier than I needed to and I'm still late."

Tatsuha laughed and shook his head at his boyfriend. "Don't worry about it, Shu-chan," he said and wrapped an arm around Shuichi to pull him closer so he could nibble on his earlobe. "You can make it up to me later."

A pink blush began to creep up Shuichi's neck to his face. "Tatsuha, stop," he moaned and tried to push Tatsuha away but the younger man wouldn't budge.

"Embarrassed much?" The younger man moved his lips down to his boyfriend's neck, delighting in the shiver that seemed to come from the man's toes.

"No. Horny much? You know what this always leads to, and, if you haven't noticed, we're in the middle of a busy restaurant."

Tatsuha smiled and pulled away, making a mental to note to make sure he made his mark more distinguishable. "And in case _you_ haven't noticed, there _is_ a bathroom," he whispered.

Shuichi snorted and snaked an arm around Tatsuha's waist, pulling the younger man as close to him as possible without Tatsuha ending up in his lap. "As I said, horny much?"

Tatsuha smirked and laid his head on Shuichi's shoulder, letting Shuichi do all of the ordering like he usually did. They both ate in silence, and when it came time to leave they split the bill and walked out to the car arm in arm. After being with Yuki, Shuichi was used to the disgusted and sometimes amused glances that the two of them received whenever they were out together in public. It didn't take long for Tatsuha get used to it, and it didn't take long for Shuichi to not care whenever Tatsuha kissed him or did anything a tad bit more romantic out in public.

"That was good, Shu. Thanks," Tatsuha said and laid his head on Shuichi's shoulder.

"It was your idea, I just paid for it," Shuichi said with a grin and wrapped his arm around Tatsuha's waist.

"It was, wasn't it?" Tatsuha chuckled and tensed as he saw the owner of the car parked between his and Shuichi's climb in. "I'll see you at home, okay?" he said and kissed Shuichi passionately.

They broke apart a few seconds later and Tatsuha made sure his boyfriend got in his car and out of the parking lot safely before walking to the large black sports car of his brother. He knocked a couple times on the tinted glass and he had to bite his tongue to keep from laughing when Yuki rolled down the window. This eye was almost swollen shut and already turning an ugly shade of yellowish-green.

"What do you want, Tatsuha?" Yuki mumbled.

"To know what you're doing here."

"Am I not allowed to go out and eat in public? Or does that threaten your relationship like everything else obviously does?" Yuki growled and locked his doors.

Tatsuha laughed and crouched down, putting his folded arms over the window in the door. "Your windows are down, Bro, and you're locking your doors? Either your as ignorant as I figured you were or you're scared. Which?"

"Neither," Yuki mumbled over the Marlboro he had just stuck into his mouth. "If I didn't lock them now I would have forgotten to do it later. I have a ritual whenever I get in my car."

Tatsuha snorted and stood up. "You're lucky I'm in a good mood, Bro, or I would've taken your appearance here the wrong way and thought you were here to watch Shuichi."

He started to walk toward his car but stopped when he heard Yuki open his door and climb back out of his car. "And if I was?"

"You're just trying to piss me off, aren't you?" Tatsuha snarled and turned around. "Because I really didn't need to know that little piece of information."

Yuki smirked and sighed quietly as his brother returned to face him, the younger man's face inches away from his own. "What'd you want, _Bro_?" The brunette mocked his brother in an attempt to anger him even more. "Did I strike a nerve? Did I piss little Tatsuha off?"

The singsong tone of Yuki's voice succeeded in its task and Tatsuha lashed out at his brother. He planted a fist in Yuki's stomach but Yuki lashed back with a glancing blow to the side of Tatsuha's head, not enough to knock him out but enough for him to see stars.

Tatsuha stumbled back from his brother with his head in his hands and Yuki took the opportunity to make his statement clear. He grabbed Tatsuha by the hair and pinned him down on the back of his car, putting his mouth next to his ear.

"I won't hold back either," he whispered and left Tatsuha to climb back into his car, picking his dropped unlit cigarette up from the ground before leaving.

"Bastard," Tatsuha muttered and watched his brother pull out before getting into his own car and driving home to meet Shuichi.

**-------------**

Christmas was coming closer with each passing day, and even though the season was supposed to bestow happiness and light on everyone across the globe, it seemed to have skipped a certain raven-haired man. Alone for the day in a deathly silent home, the said man laid back on the overstuffed couch to try and get some kind of coherent thought out of his over exhausted mind.

When Tatsuha had told him about both of his "meetings" with Yuki, Shuichi had been torn apart, and it made him feel guilty; guilty because he felt responsible for the whole ordeal.

Shuichi groaned in anguish and sat up, putting his face in his hands and shaking the memories out of his mind. He'd had the nightmares about Yuki every night for the past week, but while he was awake the only memories that managed to haunt him were the good ones. The ones when Yuki would take him out on dates, their nights spent together, the days that Yuki would poke jokes at him, and the days when he would be able to pull Yuki from his shell by doing the most idiotic things possible.

He sighed again and stood up, headed for the bathroom and the peace of a steaming shower. When he entered the small room, he tensed at the icy coldness of the marble tile on his feet but ignored it and turned on the water.

As he waited for the hot steam to surround his head, Shuichi returned to his bedroom to get some clothes and grab an item from his bedside drawer. Grabbed a pair of sweat pants and a tee-shirt from his closet and crossed the room to his bed. He grasped onto the wood handle of the drawer and pulled it open…only to find it empty except for a piece of paper with Tatsuha's writing scrawled upon it.

_I guess I found your stash, Shuichi. Don't search the house for them, I threw it all away. Not cool, Shuichi… I'm sorry.  
Aishiteru, Tat_

Shuichi dropped his hand down to his side and crumpled the piece of paper up in his hand before throwing it across the room.

"Does he really think it's that fuckin' easy? Just throw everything away and I'll stop?" he yelled as he stormed into the bathroom.

He ransacked the drawers of the sink until he found an old razor that he had hidden away from himself three years ago. With it in his hands he left the bathroom again to go into the kitchen and undo what Tatsuha tried so hard to do. He pulled out a knife out from the knife rack and carefully broke the razor apart so he could get to the blade. He wrapped the plastic pieces of the outside of the blade in a napkin before throwing them away and returned to the bathroom.

The white mist was already swirling around the bathroom as Shuichi walked in and fell to his knees. The impact hurt and his knees screaming in agony, but he ignored it. Instead, he picked one of the three blades up from the floor and dragged it across his inner thigh. He watched as the blood welled up in small bubbles at the opening before popping and sighed. The blood from that wound wasn't enough, so he pulled up his ankle and drew an intricate design on it: a half sun, half moon. He watched as the cherry-colored plasma formed a small puddle as the small droplets combined into one, and slowly got to his feet. His ankle burned and throbbed like hell, but he, once again, ignored it. The physical pain was nothing compared to his mental and emotional suffering and was something he felt was needed if he was to pay for his imagined sins.

He slowly made his way to the shower, leaving small footprints as he walked, and stepped into the shower. He cringed as the pressure on his wounded ankle made it scream, but continued on. Once in, he stared down and watched as the water at his feet turned a pretty crimson before washing up.

Then long minutes later, he was out of the shower and wrapping gauze around his still heavily bleeding ankle. The cut on his thigh had already stopped bleeding but he swiped a little liquid bandage on it, just in case. The thought that that maybe he'd cut his ankle a little too deep briefly crossed his mind as he pulled on his sweats, but he shoved it away with the task of tying the drawstring loosely around his waist.

_'I am an artist,' _he thought. '_My body is my canvas, my blood is my acrylic paint, and the razor blade is my paintbrush.'_

He laughed slightly and pulled his shirt over his head.

_'I'm such a morbid little fucker.'_

He picked the three blades up from the floor, sticking them in his pocket, and used some wet toilet paper to clean up his mess. He dropped it in the toilet and watched the water swirl, comparing himself to the raging water for a moment.

_'Let's see Tatsuha find that.'_

The laughed again and ran his fingers through his hair in a rough attempt to brush it before picking his silver eyebrow ring up from the counter and sticking it back in place.

Shuichi made his way out to the living room and plopped back onto the couch while turning on the television. Out of nine hundred channels, nothing humored or interested him so he turned the tv off an tried once again to get some coherent thought to flow through his mind. Still nothing. Whenever he tried to think things over he couldn't, so, sighing in anguish, Shuichi stood up from the couch and headed for the door.

After slipping into his winter jacket and Chuck's, he grabbed his keys and scrawled a note out on the pad of paper closet to him.

_Hey, Tat. It got too quiet here so I went for a drive. I'll be home when I'm home.  
__Love, Shuichi_

Going for a drive usually strangely helped to calm him and if anything would help him think, it would be getting out of that dead house. But where would he go? The coffee shop? No, he really didn't' want t be bothered by obsessed fans or Alexis, so that was out. Ben's? No, Ben had problems of his own and didn't need to help Shuichi with his. Suguru's? Hell, no. Even though they had been band mates for four years now, the two still fought like second graders and seeing him would only make him more upset. Hiro's? It seemed like the obvious choice. He needed to talk to him anyway, and now was as good a time as any.

He climbed in his car and grabbed the sample copy _Cover Story_ that Suguru had given him the week before and stuck it in his cd player. He was supposed to listen to it and give it his approval before they gave it to the company for the finals to be made.

"Damn, and we have a photo shot two days before we leave too," he mumbled and cranked up his stereo as the rock music began to play.

He ignored the first nine songs and changed the tracks until he got to number ten. "With This Knife" by Smile Empty Soul started to play and he sang along with the lyrics.

_I let myself fall into a lie  
I let my walls come down  
I let myself smile and feel alive  
I let my walls come down_

_No matter how, I try  
I don't know why  
You push so far away  
You wrapped your hands  
tight around my heart  
And squeezed it full of pain_

Shuichi stifled a quiet sob as he recognized just how well this song told the story of his past. It was almost as if the band had delved into his mind and dug through his most personal memories, telling his story to the world though their song.

He turned the volume down a notch and pulled into the parking lot of Hiro's apartment. He sat for a while longer and listened to the last lyrics of the song, whispering them under his breath.

_The nightmares and the hate and the fear  
The nightmares that wake me up in tears  
The nightmares and the hate…_

The song ended and Shuichi cut the engine before climbing out. Hiro's motorcycle was parked in its usual spot, but Ayaka's car was no where to be seen. That was good, maybe he would be able to have a decent conversation with his friend without the fear of Ayaka eavesdropping or butting in.

He walked through the maze of halls that lead to his friend's home and hummed the tune to "With This Knife" softly. When he reached Hiro's door, he knocked once and no one answered. Twice, still no one answered. He knocked on more time and then left when no one still answered the door. Either Hiro was home and just didn't want to talk to him or he and Ayaka had gone out. Shuichi was really hoping for the latter because, first, he hadn't heard any movement inside the apartment, and, second, he didn't want to lose the friend he'd had since middle school. He knew that his cutting hurt everyone, but he also needed everyone to get through it.

Shuichi ran his hands through his hair as he walked outside and realized that it was slightly starting to freeze in chunks. He looked around surprised and finally noticed that it was snowing. The first snow of the year and he hadn't realized it.

He climbed back into his car and drove home. He didn't know if the short drive to Hiro's had helped to clear his mind any, but hearing the song did.

He pulled into his spot and made his way up to his apartment, pausing as he heard the slight echo of a television in the apartment across the hall from his own. An idea planted itself in his mind and he figured that even if the song hadn't helped to make him feel better, this would. He would apologize for Tatsuha's behavior and then maybe the two would stop fighting for a while. Yeah right, but you never know.

He knocked twice on the cold, hard wood and heard the television's volume go down a notch or two before the door opened.

"What do you want?" The surprised voice echoed down the corridor as Yuki opened the door.

"To talk to you," Shuichi stated and sighed when Yuki stepped aside before walking in.

Shuichi heard the door click shut behind him and closed his eyes as Yuki walked past him.

"Have a seat," Yuki said and pointed to the couch before disappearing in to the kitchen. "Can I get you anything?"

"A cigarette would be really nice," Shuichi mumbled and smiled sheepishly at the surprised look on Yuki's face.

"Damn, you have changed, haven't you?" Yuki said and walked back into the living room with a beer before offering Shuichi a cigarette.

Shuichi took it gratefully and lit it, taking a long drag to clear his mind and figure out what to say to his ex-lover.

"You're not talking very much…, Shuichi." The brunette muttered the name as if he still couldn't believe that the wreck before him used to be the boy he was.

Shuichi smiled and slightly and put out the cigarette. "That's me, and I just wanted to apologize for Tat. He had no reason to do that to you." The amethyst eyes lingered on the fading yellow-green bruise over Yuki's left eye.

"We're brothers. That's what brothers do."

"I guess," Shuichi chuckled and reached out to touch it lightly. "Does it hurt?"

Yuki flinched slight at Shuichi's touch but then relaxed and let his ex-lover run gentle fingers over the ugly battle wound. "Not as much as it did earlier this week."

Yuki closed his eyes and let Shuichi brushed the discolored bangs out of his eyes.

_'God, he's still so beautiful,'_ Shuichi thought. '_No one would ever know by looking at him.'_

"I want to apologize, too," Yuki mumbled and opened his eyes, allowing them to bore into Shuichi's.

Shuichi gasped quietly and closed his eyes. "For what?"

Yuki laughed quietly and shook his head. "Please don't act like nothing happened, Shuichi. I hurt you and I was wrong to do so. You were so innocent and beautiful and never deserved it."

"I _was_ innocent and beautiful?" Shuichi chuckled.

"You're still beautiful, but I can't say innocent anymore. I took you innocence from you and I'm sorry. I took away what made you you."

"Yeah, but I like the new me better," Shuichi mumbled. "Less innocence means less ignorance and less chances of getting hurt like I was."

Yuki sighed and closed his eyes, a tear falling down his cheek. "I'm so sorry," he sobbed and put his face in his hands. "I'm sorry for everything, no just hurting you physically. I put you through so much shit and hurt you mentally and emotionally as well."

Shuichi chocked back a sob and put a hand on Yuki's shoulder. "You're not to blame for any of this," he consoled. "This is the way it was meant to be."

Yuki stopped crying and looked up at Shuichi who just smiled self-depreciatingly and looked away. Before he knew enough to stop himself, Yuki kissed Shuichi again.

Shuichi's eyes widened in surprised and then closed slowly. He began to kiss back hungrily and allowed Yuki's tongue to enter his mouth when he felt the man nibble at his bottom lip. That mouth, the one from so long ago, still tasted the same and he moaned slightly into Yuki's mouth. Shuichi moved and swung his legs around Yuki to straddle his lap, becoming that eighteen year old boy again, if only for the moment.

Yuki pulled away from Shuichi's mouth and gazed into his amethyst eyes, wanting them to tell him to stop, that what they were doing was wrong, but they didn't. He moved his lips down to Shuichi's collarbone, sucking on the tender flesh at the hollow of his throat.

"Just don't…mark," Shuichi moaned and Yuki nodded. It would be foolish to alert Tatsuha of his fun so soon.

Yuki slid the jacket from Shuichi's shoulders and pulled away to look at the scabs he felt graze against the side of his hands. He ran his fingers lightly over the self-inflicted wounds and a quiet sob escaped his lips before Shuichi took them up again.

Shuichi slid his hands underneath Yuki's shirt, feeling the muscles tense at his slightest touch. His fingers danced lightly along the smooth skin of Yuki's chest, basking in the heat that seemed to radiate from the brunette and help warm his icy soul.

Yuki's hands found refuge in Shuichi's shaggy raven locks and he pulled him closer. A muffled sob escaped from their kiss and Yuki pulled away to see that Shuichi was crying.

"I'm sorry," Yuki mumbled, letting his hands fall slack.

Shuichi stood up quickly and felt his lips. They weren't swollen, which was good and meant that he could hide from Tatsuha for a little while.

"It's not your fault, Yuki. I'm sorry,' Shuichi whispered and pulled his jacket on before leaving.

He pulled the door closed behind him and let himself cry. A small cough echoed down the hall and pulled Shuichi from his self-pity.

He looked lifted his amethyst eyes up from the ground and found refuge in the silently seething man's gray ones. At a loss of what to say, Shuichi mumbled the only thing that came to his mind.

"Tatsuha."

TBC…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: How was that for an ending? Yeah, I know…it sucked. The whole thing sucked. Oh well. I dunno why I have to be so mean to poor Shuichi; he never did anything to me. It's just so easy! He, he.

For those of you who caught it, I'm not sorry for the Ashlee Simpson joke in the part where the band's talking about what to do for their tour (the band playing a different song than what Shuichi was singing. He, he). I can't stand her or her sister or pop or rap music in general, so I choose to make fun of them as often as possible. That was just too good of a chance to miss.

Thanks to all of you for hangin' in there while I repost this bastard of a fic! Love ya guys!...


	5. And So It Begins

Hello, everyone! Here's chapter 5...

**Disclaimer:** I'm lacking the creativity right now to come up with new one so just imagine. I don't own it so you can't sue me! There! Ha, ha! Oh yeah, and "Rain," of course, belongs to Breaking Benjamin and not me.

**And So It Begins…**

"Tatsuha." Shuichi muttered the name as if it were poison as he lifted his eyes to his boyfriend's face.

Tatsuha stood outside the door to their apartment with anger and a frown of confusion scarring his beautiful features. His grey eyes bored into Shuichi's foggy amethyst ones and he beckoned him into the apartment.

"Come on," he said and returned to the confines of their home.

Shuichi hung his head and followed reluctantly, not wanting to be the victim of Tatsuha's anger. He hadn't done anything wrong, right? Well, nothing that Tatsuha had to find out about right away, but that wasn't the point. Tatsuha had no idea what went on behind the door of Yuki's home and didn't have the right to act like he was.

The apartment was cold and dark. The door to the balcony was open and through it Shuichi could see that the snow was still falling. Harder now, but at the same time it was still soft. Unlike rain or sleet or hail which shot pains down your back the harder it fell. Tatsuha closed the door, shutting out Shuichi's view of the outside world, and the apartment went completely dark.

"Don't act like you weren't over there, Shindou," Tatsuha muttered. "You can't act like I didn't see you."

Shuichi flinched at his own name. Tatsuha never called him Shindou unless he was fuming.

"I haven't opened my mouth to say anything, Uesugi, so don't be so quick to jump to conclusions," he snapped, smirking slightly when he saw Tatsuha flinch at the mention of his own name.

"Now's not the time to be a smart ass, Shuichi. Why the fuck were you over there?"

"To apologize," Shuichi muttered and crossed his arms over his chest.

"To apologize? For what, leaving him because he beat you? There's nothing for you to apologize for."

"I apologized for your behavior, Tatsuha!" Shuichi yelled. "And don't you tell me that you never did anything wrong!"

Tatsuha laughed and shook his head. "Yeah, like that was all you did. Tell me, Shuichi, how did he like your apology? Was it just like old times?"

Shuichi gaped at his boyfriend's behavior and crossed the apartment to smack him. "Dammit, Tatsuha, open your eyes and look around you! I love you! Not Yuki!" he yelled and wrapped his arms tightly around his lover. "I apologized for you, yeah, so what? I don't know if it'll keep him from fighting you but at least I tried."

Slowly, Tatsuha relaxed and pulled Shuichi tight against him. A muffled sob escaped from between them and Tatsuha pulled him even closer. He squeezed Shuichi so tightly that he began to wheeze and cough.

_'He's a wreck,'_ Shuichi as he let Tatsuha cry into his shoulder. '_Could I really be this blind? I never knew how much this was tearing him apart. And the fighting with Yuki can't be helping him much. God, why did this have to happen? Touma, you bastard, I'll get you back for this.'_

Tatsuha pulled away and allowed Shuichi just enough time to take a breath before sealing his lips in a passionate kiss. "Gomen, Shuichi," he said when they pulled apart. "Aishiteru."

"I know," Shuichi said and walked off to their bedroom. "I'm gonna go to bed. You can come if you want."

Tatsuha nodded and followed silently. Neither talked as they changed into their bed clothes, nor did they talk when they climbed next to each other into bed. Tatsuha curled up on his side, like usual, next to Shuichi and Shuichi wrapped his arms around him. They fell asleep that way, wrapped in each other's arms. Safe from the cold, harsh reality in each other's embrace.

**-------------**

Photo shoots. He hated photo shoots. Hated all the bright lights, hated all the different clothes changes, hated being surrounded by giggling make-up artists and perverted photographers. It was too much bustle for him and his head hadn't stopped hurting in a little more than a week. He had gone to the doctor two days before to get his head checked out but nothing came up. He was perfectly fine, it was just stress. The doctor had asked what the stress was from, and he told him. The doctor left the room and came back ten minutes later with a business card with the telephone number circled on it. He had been told to give it to the source of his stress because it would help him…

Hiro opened his eyes and looked around the cold warehouse set. The photo shoot was originally planned to take place outside but they hadn't planned on the foot of snow that was also lying on the ground. So, they moved the shoot inside with a set.

"This should be fun," Hiro muttered under his breath in sarcasm.

He was the first one there, as always, and had already been courted by three of the make-up artists. Just another day in Hiroshi Nakano's life. He had always been seen as the attractive one while Shuichi had always just been the "cute" one. With his cute pink hair, large boyish amethyst eyes, and bubbly attitude, Shuichi had been harder to resist than something deep-fried and smothered in chocolate. But that had been before Yuki left him, before he let his pink hair grow out and return to its normal shade of black, before his heart grew icy, before he finally grew into a man. It was a harsh way for anyone to be smacked into reality; there were definitely other less damaging ways that it could have happened, but that was how Yuki worked.

Hiro sighed and shook his head. All this thinking was making his head hurt even more. He pulled the bottle of prescription migraine medicine from his pocket and popped a few into his mouth before swallowing them dry. The taste was disgusting and it lingered in the back of his mouth but he had other things to worry about. Shuichi had just walked in and was scanning the warehouse for his friend. His eyes grew wide when he saw Hiro and a goofy smile spread across his face before he ran to his friend.

"Hey, Hiro, sorry I'm late!" he yelled and stopped smiling when Hiro cringed at his voice. "Inside voices, yeah, sorry. Head still hurting?"

"Yeah, and the prescription hasn't done shit. That doctor was a waste of time," Hiro muttered and stood up to stretch. "Any chance that you saw Ben and/or Fujisaki out there when you pulled in?"

Shuichi frowned in concern and shook his head. "Nope, I didn't see either of them. Suguru's been late more than usual, huh? Strange."

"He had to break sometime," Hiro chuckled and sat down again, patting the seat beside him.

Shuichi took the offered seat and laid a hand on Hiro's arm. "You okay, man? You look…beat."

"I've had a lot of time to think, Shuichi." For some reason, Hiro's words sent a chill racing up Shuichi's spine.

"Is that a bad thing?"

"Depends on which side you're on. It's good for me, but I don't know about you."

Shuichi sighed. "Haven't we had this conversation already, Hiro? You don't understand me, I know, but we can't let that get between us again. We were at each other's throats way to often last time, and I don't want to worry about losing you again."

"I know, Shuichi, but it's hard. I want to understand, hell I've tried so hard to do it, but I just can't."

"I want you to understand, too, but how can I help you understand something that I don't even understand myself? Yeah, Eiri's return triggered it, but it's not the only reason."

"Then what _are_ the other reasons, Shuichi?"

Shuichi sighed and diverted his eyes to the ground before responding. "I don't know."

"What do you mean 'I don't know'? How in the hell can you not know why you're cutting yourself? I would have believed it four years ago, but not today. You're not that dense anymore, Shuichi."

"I know, Hiro, but I'm telling the truth."

"Bullshit, Shuichi, and until you can tell me the truth I don't want to see or hear you unless it's something to do with Bad Luck," Hiro snapped and stood up abruptly. "Good-bye Shuichi."

Shuichi sat frozen as he watched Hiro's retreating figure. He felt the tears stinging at the corners of his but wiped them away quickly as Ben entered the warehouse and ran up to him.

"Hey, Shu-chan!" Ben exclaimed with a large smile, but the smile fell off his face when he saw the stray tear fall down Shuichi's lightly tanned cheeks. "You okay?"

"I…don't know," Shuichi muttered and hung his head.

"Well don't worry," Ben said and plopped down in the chair next to him, "Doctor Miller's here now and can fix all your problems!"

A small smile tugged lightly at the corners of Shuichi's lips and Ben grinned.

"Ah-ha, there's the smile we all love to see!" he joked and elbowed Shuichi lightly in the side. "Now start talkin'."

Shuichi sighed and took a minute to go over everything that had happened in the five minute time span in his head. "Hiro's pissed at me because…because of my cutting. He says that he doesn't understand me, but…I dunno," Shuichi mumbled though small sobs. "I'm so confused. I need him, but he doesn't understand that. He doesn't want to be near me. I hate this! I hate hurting everyone like this!"

Ben sighed and went over the information in his head. He had been told about Shuichi's relationship with Yuki and understood the repercussions their breakup had on Shuichi. He still hated Yuki, even though he didn't know him, for hurting his friend like that. He had also been told about the blonde's, well…brunette's, return to Japan. He hated to admit it, but he had been through the whole cutting phase as a teenager and now had to be on anti-depressants for the rest of his life because of it. He shook his head to clear it and said the same thing everyone had told him when he went through it. "They why don't you just stop?"

Shuichi flashed a self-depreciating smile and shook his head. "It's not that easy, you of all people should know that, Ben."

"I know, I know. It's not easy to stop, but, Shuichi, you can't keep doing this to yourself. I have to take Zoloft for the rest of my life because of what I did. You don't want that, it sucks. I know you can't just stop now, it takes a lot of time, but you can. Just look at me. I stopped and I'm perfectly fine, well…as fine as I'm gonna get. And, I know you've heard this a million times before, but you're not alone. Me and Tatsuha'll always be here for you. I wish I could say the same thing about Hiro, but hopefully he'll come around soon. He just did the worst thing he could possibly do, hopefully it won't take him long to realize it."

"Thanks," Shuichi mumbled and smiled. "Thanks a lot."

"No problem!" Ben exclaimed and jumped up as Suguru entered the warehouse. "Hey, Fujisaki!"

Shuichi stood up and followed Ben slowly to where Hiro and Suguru stood. He wanted to look up from the ground, but he kept his head down. Looking up would mean seeing Hiro and seeing Hiro would mean tears. He kept his head down as the make-up artists and staff threw clothes on his body and caked make-up on his face before sending him out to the photographer.

"Konnichiwa, members of Bad Luck!" the photographer exclaimed and frowned slightly. "Hey, why all the long faces? Today's supposed to be a fun day!"

The band members threw "what-in-the-hell" glances at each other, Hiro and Shuichi avoiding eye contact, and then reluctantly followed the photographer to the set.

Several long, overly-energetic hours later, the members of Bad Luck reentered the outside world to a beautiful moon that shone high in the night sky, exhausted. Shuichi wanted to grab Hiro and try talking to him before the auburn-haired man left, but the ring of his cell phone destroyed that plan.

"Hello?" he asked, voice a little harsher than originally intended.

"Shuichi?" The raven-haired man's heart skipped a beat as he recognized the voice on the other line.

"Ei-eiri?" He knew that he stuttered the question and scowled when he heard a small gust of air as Yuki let out a small chuckle.

"Yeah, it's Eiri."

"How in the hell did you get my cell number? Did you break into my house or…did you force it out of Tatsuha?" A small smile tugged at Shuichi's mouth as he climbed into his car to escape the fridged weather.

"Neither. If memory serves me right, this was your number four years ago," Yuki said. "I just figured I'd try dialing it to see if it was still yours."

"Well, obviously, it's still mine. So…whaddya want?""

The line was silent for a minute and Shuichi was about to make sure Yuki didn't hang up on him when an unusually shy voice responded. "To see if we could meet somewhere."

Shuichi crinkled his brow at the tone of Yuki's voice and smiled. "For what exactly?"

"To talk," Yuki muttered.

"And…?"

Shuichi heard Yuki laugh at the singsong tone of his voice before responding. "Nothing in particular. I just want to talk."

"Bull," Shuichi chuckled. "You can tell me, it's not like Tatsuha's with me and can hear our conversation. I just got done with a photo shoot so I'm all alone." Shuichi pouted slightly as he finished and his smile grew even bigger when he heard the smile on Yuki's face.

"Fine, fine, I want to see you again, okay?" he whispered.

"What? I couldn't hear that last part," Shuichi teased.

"I WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" Yuki yelled into the phone and Shuichi heard him let out a sigh of relief.

'That_ was eating him up this much? My God, I guess some people really _do_ change,' _he thought.

"God, bust my eardrums why don't ya. I don't think I'll be able to hear properly for a week," he joked.

"Sorry," Yuki muttered and Shuichi jumped at how sorry he actually sounded.

"No problem. Now, when and where do you want to meet?"

"You...you actually want to see me?" Yuki's voice was full of surprise and hope at the younger man's response.

"Well, yeah, silly. If I didn't I wouldn't be asking now would I?"

Yuki laughed and thought for a second before answering. "When are you free?"

"Well…let's see. Me and Tatsuha don't have anything planned for tonight, so…tonight's the nearest. I'm gonna be leaving in a week or so for America and I won't be back for a month, then I'll be on a tour of Japan in February, so after tonight I have no idea."

"How about tonight then?"

Shuichi smiled and complied effortlessly. "Sounds good, to me, but we still need a place?"

"Well, not at home because I don't want Tatsuha to get his panties in a wad, so how about…Club 812?"

_'A nightclub? Hm, this is different for Yuki, but interesting, _Shuichi thought.'

"Fine, what time?"

"How about, uh, let's see…how about ten?"

"I'll see ya there," Shuichi said and heard Yuki let out another sigh of relief. "You sound relieved," he joked.

"Well, I didn't exactly think that you'd agree so easily," Yuki muttered, "but thank you. I appreciate it."

"Don't worry about it," Shuichi said and actually felt a small blush creep up his face. "I didn't want to stay home with pissy Tatsuha all night anyway. He's just like a woman with PMS…all the time."

Yuki snorted and they said their good-byes before Shuichi drove home to meet "pissy Tatsuha". He pulled into the parking garage and didn't notice that his truck was missing until he made it into his apartment and threw his keys onto the counter.

_'Hey, my truck was gone!'_ he thought and searched the counter for a note from Tatsuha but came up empty. '_Not good…no note means pissy Tatsuha. Pissy Tatsuha means angry Shuichi leaving early.'_

He searched the house and, sure enough, Tatsuha wasn't home and the other set of keys was missing.

"Damn," Shuichi muttered and searched his closet for something to wear to the club later on that night.

He settled on a pair of baggy khaki jeans and a black tee-shirt; nothing out of the ordinary, but nothing that he would get noticed in at a sweaty night club either. He left the walk-through closet though the door that joined it to the bathroom and started the water as he heard the front door open.

"Damn," he muttered and quickly grabbed a towel before Tatsuha would notice that he wasn't in the shower yet.

He stepped in and let the warm water run down his face before grabbing the bottle of shampoo. The same shampoo he used when he used to live with Yuki, well…before that actually. Since he was in middle school because it was the same shampoo his god Ryuichi Sakuma used. Shuichi chuckled slightly and poured a small amount into the palm of his hand.

_'If only I had known the man-child back then. God, that seems like so long ago.'_

He lathered the shampoo that smelled like rainy days and juniper into his hair and froze for a second when he heard the bathroom door open and saw Tatsuha's figure, smoky from the steam, enter the make-shift sauna.

"Hey, Tat!" Shuichi yelled and rinsed the bubbles from his hair. "I was wonderin' when you were gonna get home."

"Just had to get out," Tatsuha muttered and grabbed something from a drawer in the sink before leaving again.

"Love you, too!" Shuichi yelled with a twinge of sarcasm and finished the rest of his shower quickly.

He got out, dried off, and dressed in record time and checked his dresser for his necklace before getting a good idea. He walked out to the living room to see that Tatsuha was sitting on the couch staring a blank television screen.

"Hey, Tat, I can't find my balls. Can you help me find them?" he joked, hoping that his boyfriend would notice the reference he always used to his necklace.

"Your necklace is on your dresser like always, Shuichi," Tatsuha mumbled and Shuichi crinkled his brow at the younger man's weird behavior.

"I was just joking, but Tatsuha… I guess tv's more educational with it off, but God, isn't it boring?" he joked again, wanting to get some kind of humorous response out of his lover. He was happy for once and wanted Tatsuha to be happy with him.

Tatsuha just grunted and Shuichi walked over to the younger man, plopping down onto the couch next to him. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Tatsuha muttered and searched the couch for the remote control.

"Liar," Shuichi chuckled and nudged Tatsuha slightly in the side. "Come on, you can tell me."

"It's nothing, Shuichi," Tatsuha said with a small laugh and shoved the man who had decided to make his lap a cushion away from him.

That was it; Shuichi turned on the puppy eyes and pouted prettily. No one had ever been able to resist the pout. "Please, koi? Aishiteru."

Tatsuha snorted at his boyfriend's pout and gave Shuichi enough time for a smile before kissing him.

"I love you, too, Shuichi," Tatsuha muttered when they pulled apart to breathe a few seconds later.

"Then tell me what's wrong, please." It wasn't a question, it was a demand and Tatsuha knew that even if he tried to change the subject they would just end up returning to it later.

"I'm just stressed out. Between you and finals at college, I think I'm gonna go insane! It's so hard."

"I know but as long as I have you I'll be okay."

"Nah, even if I left you'd still have Hiro after me." Tatsuha saw his boyfriend flinch slightly at his words and frowned in concern. "Did something happen between you guys or something?"

Shuichi diverted his attention from Tatsuha's face and stared at the blue glow that the fish tank cast on the wall. "Or something… He says that he doesn't 'understand' me and doesn't want to be around me until I can make him 'understand. If anything, I don't understand _him_!"

"Oh sorry, Shuichi. Hopefully he'll come around soon."

"That's what Ben said, but ya wanna know somethin'? Fuck him. If he won't even try, fuck him!" Inside the words hurt Shuichi more than anything but he kept up a strong front.

"Want me to try and talk some sense into him?" Tatsuha asked.

"Nah, he doesn't deserve it," Shuichi said and kissed Tatsuha lightly. "Now, I'm gonna have to leave around nine-thirty to go meet with some big wig executive guys at NG about the album. Don't expect me home 'til late, okay?"

"Okay," Tatsuha said and eyed Shuichi in suspicion. "How come they wanna meet so late?"

"We didn't think that we were gonna get out of the photo shoot as early as we did. Besides, I can concentrate better at night and it's just me meeting with them."

Tatsuha nodded his head, eyes narrowed ever so slightly. "Okay. If you say so."

"I do," Shuichi said and consulted his watch. "Fuck! Maybe we didn't get out as early as I thought we did. It's already nine-forty-five. I gotta go!"

Shuichi kissed Tatsuha one last time before running to the door and slipping into his Chuck's and a red and black flannel jacket. "Aishiteru, Tatsuha!" he yelled before disappearing out the door and to his car to meet "the executives."

**-------------**

Blue eyes scanned the crowded night club for the man he was supposed to meet. Time really did fly by when you rushed to get ready and he had managed to lose track of it somehow. He had been so surprised by the agreement that it actually took a minute of sitting in silence for it to sink in.

His eyes instantly landed on a man dancing alone in the middle of the sweaty crowd on the dance floor. A ghost of a smile flashed across his features and he made his way through the packed and sweaty crowd as fast as they would allow him.

"Hey, brat," he said and put a hand on the man's shoulder to alert the man of his presence.

The man stopped dancing and turned around with a huge grin on his face. "Eiri, hey!" Shuichi yelled over the music and pulled the man away from the dance floor. "I was wondering when you were gonna show."

"Yeah, sorry about that, I lost track of time," Yuki yelled in reply.

"Ah, don't worry about it. I just got here a few minutes ago myself."

"And you're already bathed in sweat? How hard have you been dancing?"

Shuichi smiled and ran his finger through his drenched hair. "I had to let my energy out somehow."

"Oh." Yuki smiled and ordered a drink, after Shuichi, from the bartender.

"You _never_ liked coming here before," Shuichi yelled. "Why the sudden change?"

"People change, Shuichi," Yuki said and took a swig of his rum and coke. "Just look at you."

Shuichi laughed and they polished off their drinks before the younger man led Yuki out onto the dance floor again.

"You dance yet?" he yelled and laughed when Yuki nodded. "Let's see it then!"

Yuki started moving to the music and Shuichi stood back to watch. He had to admit, Yuki _did_ look good. He wore a black dress shirt, unbuttoned just enough to show a little man cleavage, with a black leather trench coat and pants. He had never seen Yuki wear so much leather before and, as he stood there watching him dance, Shuichi began to realize why he had been so attracted to the man. No, his looks hadn't been the only reason, but they had been _one_ of the many.

He watched as Yuki ran his fingers through his hair, dislodging the beautiful raindrop-like sweat. He moved his hands down his hips and then reached out for Shuichi.

"I'm not gonna do this alone!" he yelled and Shuichi started to laugh.

"Sorry, I was…-" he started but Yuki interrupted.

"Preoccupied?" he said with a smirk. "I know I'm sexy, but damn, Shuichi. You don't have to stare."

A small blush began to creep up Shuichi's face and Yuki grinned slightly. "I wasn't staring, Eiri," he muttered and started to move along with the music as well.

Yuki rolled his eyes and followed Shuichi's cue to dance. The only music they played in this club was rock, none of the rap shit that Yuki could never understand. "Duality" by Slipknot started to play and Shuichi "oo-ed"

"I love this song!" he yelled and frowned when they cut it off. "Hey!"

"Time for karaoke!" the DJ exclaimed and the crowd roared. "Everyone find a seat and sit back and relax while you watch others make complete fools of themselves!"

The crowd laughed and thinned as quickly as possible as everyone made their ways to one of the tables or the bar to get trashed or even more trashed than they already would.

"Sweetness!" Shuichi exclaimed as he and Yuki took seats at one of the tables.

Yuki gazed at the excited man from the corner of his eye and frowned. "You didn't by chance sign up, did you?"

"Hell yeah!" Shuichi laughed. "Karaoke kicks ass!"

Yuki smiled and propped his elbow on the table to rest his head in his hand. "Only you could have so much fun making an idiot of yourself without being fucked up."

Shuichi nodded and grinned as the DJ called out the first name. A nervous looking woman that looked to be no older than nineteen made her way onto the stage and smiled slightly as her friends cheered. The opening to Lacuna Coil's "Angel's Punishment" began and more cheers erupted from the tables and stools. Her smile became more confident and the nervous quivering slowly stopped with the encouragement.

"Destruction…War, fighting in defense…" She started the song and the crowd yelled even louder.

"It's like she's actually Cristina Scabbia!" Shuichi yelled as she wrapped the song up. "Not a bad voice, either."

Yuki nodded and watched as she left the stage with catcalls and chants and was replaced by the next singer. This time it was an older man who was completely wasted and didn't know any of the words to his song of choice ("Master of Puppets" by Metallica). He didn't know the different between the crowds' laughter and cheers and he took a small bow as the song ended nine minutes later.

"Next up we have Daisuke Kobata," the DJ announced and Shuichi stood up.

"What're you doing? That's not you," Yuki whispered.

"You don't think I'm dumb enough to use my real name, do you? God, Yuki, I'm not an idiot!" he muttered and made his way up to the stage. A few whispers followed him: "Is that Shindou from Bad Luck?" "It looks like him…". Shuichi ignored them and took the microphone that was handed to him before the song started up.

It was a slow, mournful song by one of his favorite band of all time, even a little above Nittle Grasper. His favorite song by his favorite band…it seemed appropriate. "Rain" was such a beautiful song and he was starting to wish that they had done it on their album, but they hadn't been allowed.

_Take a photograph,  
__It'll be the last,  
__Not a dollar or a crowd could ever keep me here,  
__I don't have a past,  
__I just have a chance,  
__Not a family or honest plea remains to say,_

_Rain, rain go away,  
__Come again another day,  
__All the world is waiting for the sun._

_Is it you I want,  
__Or just the notion of  
__a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around  
__Safe to say from here,  
__You're getting closer now,  
__We are never sad 'cause we are not allowed to be…_

A small tear ran down Shuichi's face and he cursed at the bright lights that he knew reflected it. He hoped that the crowd would just think that it was sweat, but he knew one person out there who would see it for what it really was…the one person he didn't want to know.

_Rain, rain go away,  
__Come again another day,  
__All the world is waiting for the sun._

_Rain, rain go away,  
__Come again another day,  
__All the world is waiting for the sun._

_To lie here under you  
__is all that I could ever do,  
__To lie here under you is all,_

_To lie here under you  
is all that I could ever do,  
__To lie here under you is all,_

_Rain, rain go away,  
__Come again another day,  
__All the world is waiting for the sun._

Shuichi ended the song to a roar of applause and quickly rushed off from the stage to return to his seat. He plastered a fake smile on his face as he sat down and saw Yuki looking at him, searching him.

"What?" he asked and smiled slightly. "God, I forgot how much fun that was! I wish I had put my name in again." He tried to keep the conversation away from his performance and was glad that Yuki realized that.

"Wanna head home?" Yuki asked. "You look exhausted."

Shuichi checked his watch and saw that only an hour had passed. "Nah, I'm fine. Besides, I told Tatsuha that I wouldn't be home until late, anyway."

"We can go back to my place…if you want. I mean, you don't have to," Yuki muttered and Shuichi gawked as a slight blush crept up his face.

"Sure, we just gotta make sure we're really quiet so Tat won't hear us," Shuichi said with a smirk.

Yuki smiled and followed Shuichi out of the club. Their reentrance into the cold night air was a shock, but refreshing at the same time. The fresh air was a hell of a lot more pleasant to breathe than the stuffy night club oxygen and they each said quick good-byes for no apparent reason before going to their own cars and driving back to their building.

Shuichi got there first and waited on the trunk of his car for Yuki to pull up a few minutes later. He jumped off as Yuki opened his door, and grabbed the man's arm to lead him to a foreboding looking door before Yuki had time to protest.

"Stairs," Shuichi explained when he saw the look of confusion on the man's features. "We don't want Tatsuha to hear the elevator now do we? I'll be in deep shit in the morning if he does."

"Good idea," Yuki muttered and snuck out of the door after Shuichi when they finally reached their floor a few minutes later.

Shuichi stood behind the brunette as he unlocked the door quietly and shifted feet in nerves as he worried about Tatsuha opening the door. When he didn't, Shuichi let out a sigh of relief and followed Yuki into the large apartment.

"Drink, cigarette, music, anything?" Yuki asked as he threw his keys onto the counter.

"Cancer stick, please, and it depends on the music," Shuichi said and followed Yuki's finger as he pointed to the stereo in his room.

"CDs are in there if you wanna look at them," Yuki said and disappeared into the kitchen for a few minutes.

Shuichi took off his jacket and looked over the large CD collection, gawking at how many good CDs Yuki had. Metallica, Perfect Circle, Nirvana, Seether, Lacuna Coil, Slipknot, Soil, Linkin Park, Smile Empty Soul, Velvet Revolver…so many good CDs and so little time. Shuichi searched and almost squealed in joy when he saw the Breaking Benjamin CD. He still hadn't gotten his back from Suguru and had been dying to listen to it.

"Care if I put in Breaking Benjamin?" he yelled.

"No," Yuki said as he walked out of the kitchen and entered his room, "they're my favorite band so I listen to them any chance that I can."

"Sweet!" Shuichi exclaimed and popped the CD into the stereo, putting it on random. He hated listening to a CD the same way every time and always put his CDs on random to mix it up a little bit.

"I'm guessing you like them, too?" Yuki asked and turned the volume down so they could just hear the music over their voices. "Judging by how loud to you had it I'm guessing that you'd even risk waking Tatsuha to hear them."

A blush crept up Shuichi's face as he realized how dumb he had been and he frowned. "Sorry, I forgot, but yeah. They're my favorite band, too."

Yuki walked over to the small futon he put in his room for reading and plopped down onto it, holding out his cigarette box for Shuichi to take one.

"You changed your brand," Shuichi noticed. "No more Pall Malls?"

"I like Marlboros better," Yuki said and tossed Shuichi his lighter.

"Me too," Shuichi said and sat down on the couch next to Yuki while taking a drag. "You're the one that got me hooked on these damned things, ya know."

"Probably," Yuki laughed and put the cigarette out after one drag. "I'm trying to quit, though."

"Ah-ha! Finally all my hard work pays off!" Shuichi joked and put his cigarette out as well. "Yeah, I'm trying to quit, too. Tatsuha quit years ago and wants me to quit 'cause he's afraid I'm gonna get sick. Well, kinda the same reason I wanted you to quit, actually."

Yuki laughed and before he knew what was happening he found himself pinned down on the couch underneath Shuichi. Their lips made contact with bruising force and it took a minute for Yuki to realize what was going on before he could react. He lifted the man off of him and carried him over the bed. Shuichi sat up and pulled Yuki on top of him, wrapping his arms around the man's neck to pull him closer. Yuki moved his hands down and rested them on Shuichi hips, running his tongue gently over the younger man's bottom lip.

Shuichi responded obligingly and let Yuki's tongue enter his mouth. He shivered slightly as their tongues touched but came back and stroked back softly, chasing Yuki's tongue into its owner's mouth. His tongue explored every corner of Yuki's mouth and he moaned into the kiss slightly as Yuki used one hand to clear the hair away from the base of his neck so they could taste the skin there.

Shuichi slid the heavy leather jacket from Yuki's shoulders and let it fall to the floor before moving back enough so they could lie on the bed completely instead of half-on half-off, their mouths never leaving each other.

The force of their kiss became less intense and bruising and more passionate and avid. Shuichi felt Yuki's muscles tense as he slid his hands underneath his shirt, letting his hands dance up and down the man's bare spine. Shuichi pushed himself up into a seated position and pulled away from Yuki for a minute. Yuki, bored without something to suck on, nipped and sucked carefully along Shuichi's neck as Shuichi slowly unbuttoned the black dress shirt and slid it from his shoulders. Yuki slid his hands up under Shuichi's tee shirt and pulled it over the man's head. He pulled away from the man's enticing neck for a moment to gawk what had been hidden under the layer of fabric. He knew that Shuichi wasn't a boy anymore but he hadn't been expecting him to be so…ripped.

"See anything interesting?" Shuichi smirked but didn't give Yuki enough time to answer before he crashed his lips against the brunette's.

Shuichi's fingers found refuge in Yuki's discolored hair as they fell back down onto the bed. He opened his eyes to see that Yuki was looking at him and, when they pulled apart to breathe, said: "You look so different with blue eyes and brown hair." He gently brushed a lock of the tarnished hair out of Yuki's face and used his fingers to trace down along Yuki's jaw line to his chin. He used his hand to pull Yuki close again and kissed him.

"I don't like it, either," Yuki muttered when the pulled apart again.

"I never said that I didn't like it. You just look different, 's all. There's nothing bad about looking different, I mean, look at me," he said and was about to ask something else when Yuki kissed him again.

Shuichi couldn't take it anymore. He moved his hands down to the waistband of Yuki's leather pants and unbuttoned the first few buttons, just enough for him to slip out of them.

When they were done, Yukirolled off of Shuichi and pulled the exhausted man into his arms, stroking his hair lightly and kissing his sweat slicked brow softly. They fell asleep in each other's arms a few minutes later, "Rain" playing softly in the background.

TBC…

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A/N: Off to repost ch. 6 now. Ugh...this is taking too damn long! Thanks, you guys, for your patience!...


	6. Start the New Year with a Bang

Hola, everyone. ¿Cómo están? Me llamo es Kolie, ¿y tú? Yeah, sorry about that…I just finished two hours worth of Spanish III (even though I learned how to say that in, like, fourth grade) homework and I've got español on my mind. Ugh…I can't stand that class because I'm no good at it. Maybe I'd be better if I actually tried…hm, maybe…

After this chapter I'm gonna have to take a little break for Thanksgiving and to work on another _Gravi_ fic that's been on my computer since I saw the first episode (back in June by the way). Gomen, but I gotta help cook the loads yummy food and if I don't finish this other fic it'll drive me crazy. It's already halfway done so don't worry about it being _too_ big of a break. Look for it soon…and make sure you review it! _smiles_

**Disclaimer:** All of my little brain gnomes have been helping me write and have been solely concentrating on keeping me sane while working this fic so I'm still lacking in the catchy creativity department. So…humor yourselves some more and come up with your own. As said before…I don't own it, therefore, you can't sue me! You can try but I doubt you'll win…

**Start the New Year With A Bang…**

There was warmth surrounding him, comfortable warmth that he hadn't felt in so long. He tried to open his eyes but his eyelids were too heavy and somewhere in his head he heard a voice tell him that he had to wake up. He rolled over onto his side, snuggling up to the source of the warmth and burying his face in it. He faintly smelled the aromas of cigarettes and Adidas cologne, but passed them off as his own. Something started to shake him and he squeezed his eyes shut, wanting the voice to let him be so he could sleep for just a while longer, but it proceeded.

"Shuichi," it said as whatever it was tried to wake him, "you need to wake up."

He moaned quietly and rolled over, suddenly becoming aware of the smooth sheets as they slid across his bare legs and stomach. Naked! He was naked! What in the hell was he doing sleeping naked?

The voice persisted and the shaking became even harder. "Come on, Shuichi, wake up! I know you don't sleep that hard!"

That voice. He knew that voice and it wasn't the right one to be waking up to. Amethyst eyes flew open and Shuichi bolted upright in the bed, mentally groaning at himself when he recognized the apartment. He turned his head slightly and saw the brunette man sitting next to him with surprise in his eyes.

Shuichi groaned and put his head in his hands, pounding his palms into his forehead.

_Idiot, idiot, idiot!_ he yelled at himself. _You weak little IDIOT!_

"Shuichi." The man next to him put a hand on Shuichi's shoulder and frowned when Shuichi shrugged him away. "I know, I know," he mumbled and dropped his head.

Tears filled Shuichi's eyes and dropped onto the sheets, turning the brilliant white to a dull and sinful grey. Sin. Everything he had done the night before had been full of sin, but yet he strangely didn't regret it. He regretted cheating on Tatsuha with Yuki of all people, but he had wanted it. He had wanted, and still did want, Yuki.

Shuichi groaned again and silent sobs shook his body. Yuki saw this and took the man into his arms, frowning as he felt him tense at first but sighing quietly when Shuichi melted into his embrace. The sobs became more hysterical and Shuichi shuddered violently in Yuki's arms. Not knowing what to do, Yuki gently ran his fingers through Shuichi's raven locks in long, even strokes. Arms found themselves wrapped around Yuki's waist and Shuichi gripped him tighter, wanting to make sure he was real but wishing that he wasn't at the same time.

After a few minutes, Shuichi relaxed enough to speak but kept his head on Yuki's chest. "Is this real?" he asked, wanting to hear the manifestation he thought was Yuki tell him that it wasn't.

Silence for a second then: "Yeah, it's real."

Shuichi gripped Yuki tighter and kissed his chest softly. "I know."

"How are you going to leave?" Yuki asked and pulled Shuichi away from him so he could look him in the face.

"Now that I don't know," Shuichi said and looked down from the blue masks of Yuki's eyes to the sheets.

"Shuichi, look at me please." Yuki put and hand under Shuichi's chin and used it to pull him close enough for a soft kiss. "I know that what we did was wrong, but…was it really?"

Shuichi stared into Yuki's eyes and spoke the unwavering truth. "Yes, Yuki, it was wrong in so many ways, but…I don't regret it."

"Me neither," Yuki said and kissed Shuichi's forehead.

"I still don't know how I'm going to get across the hall or how I'm going to face Tatsuha when I get there," Shuichi said and chuckled quietly. "I won't live past an hour."

"Can't you just tell him that you went to Hiro's or something?" Yuki asked and frowned, as his brother had, when he saw Shuichi flinch at the words. "What's wrong?"

"Hiro doesn't want to be around me anymore because of…this," Shuichi said and held out his arms to let Yuki see the wounds and scars that had been masked by the veil of darkness from the night before.

Yuki ran his fingers lightly over the wounds and choked back a sob, as he had before. "Am…am I the reason?" he asked, already knowing the answer but wanting to hear it directly from the source.

Shuichi nodded. "One of them."

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. I was…I was blinded by rage and panic when you kissed me that first time and wasn't thinking. I remembered…you know, before, and I was scared. I almost killed myself after you left, did Tatsuha tell you that?"

"No, he didn't," Yuki mumbled. "I'm sorry."

"Again, it's not your fault," Shuichi said and kissed away the tears that dripped down Yuki's face. "I was lost and confused and wanted everything to go away. I didn't want it to be real."

"What made you decide not to go through with it?"

"Tatsuha."

Yuki visibly flinched at his brother's name and sighed. He knew that Tatsuha would have come into play sometime, but not in something so big.

"Is he home?" Shuichi mumbled.

"I don't know."

"Where are my clothes?"

"On the floor."

"Can you say something more than three-word phrases? I know that everything keeps coming back to Tatsuha, but…he's the one in my life now."

"I know."

Shuichi sighed and climbed out of the large bed to get dressed. He pulled on his boxers and jeans and was about to pull on his tee-shirt when he got a good idea. He undid his silver necklace and tossed it to Yuki with a smile.

"It'll give me a reason to come back," he explained and pulled his shirt on before grabbing his jacket and leaving the room.

He was halfway to the door when impulse took over and he ran back to the brunette who had been out of bed long enough to pull his pants on. He threw his arms around Yuki's neck and kissed him deeply, passionately, before pulling away slowly.

"Aishiteru,…Eiri," he mumbled and turned around and headed out the door.

More than anything, he wanted Yuki to run after him, to grab him and somehow convince him not to leave, but he didn't. Yuki knew as well as he did that they could never be together again. He didn't want to hurt Tatsuha, but he didn't want to make himself suffer, either.

Shuichi pulled the door open and peeked around the frame, checking to make sure that Tatsuha wasn't out there waiting for him or something equally as creepy. When he was sure that Tatsuha wasn't hiding in any corners, Shuichi crossed the hall to their door and turned the handle to see that it was locked.

_Good so far,_ Shuichi thought and pulled his keys out of his pocket.

He pulled the door open a few minutes later and entered his home. The apartment was dead silent, too silent for…Shuichi checked his watch…eight-thirty in the morning. Tatsuha would normally have been up and moving by now.

Shuichi went back to their bedroom only to find that it too was empty, and frantically checked every other room in the house. It was empty, no other life but himself wandered throughout the apartment.

Shuichi slumped back into the kitchen and checked the counter for a note. A small notepad lay open next to the coffee maker and Shuichi groaned as he crossed the room to read the harsh words he knew were written there.

_Shuichi, I don't know if you'll read this before I get home, but I'm leaving it just in case. I don't know if you lied to me last night and I don't know why you didn't come home, nor do I want to know, but if you did…I'm sorry. I don't know what I did to upset you, but I'm sorry. If you'rereading this, I'll be home later, okay? I went looking for you so don't worry too much. Aishiteru, Tatsuha._

A slight smile crossed Shuichi's face and he briefly contemplated on calling Tatsuha on his cell phone to let him know that he was home and alive and that…nothing had happened the night before. He had just run into Ben last night and they went out, that was all. He got drunk and Ben didn't trust him driving home so he told him to stay at his house for the night, and, since he had been too trashed to talk, he didn't call to tell him about his predicament. Yeah, that was it. Now all he had to do was make sure that Tatsuha hadn't called Ben the night before in worry and knew that he hadn't stayed at the American man's house.

Shuichi picked up the phone that was conveniently lying next to the paper and dialed Ben's number. Alexis answered on the second ring and told Shuichi that Ben wasn't there, and no, that Tatsuha hadn't called the night before looking for him. Shuichi sighed and told Alexis his plan. She was reluctant to agree at first, but after half an hour of constant persuading from Shuichi she finally caved in and agreed. Shuichi couldn't thank her enough, and Alexis ended up having to hang up on the man to get him to shut up.

A sigh escaped past the man's lips as his plan was set and in action. Maybe he would be able to get past Tatsuha this time. This time, but he wasn't sure about the next. But there wasn't going to be a next, was there? Shuichi didn't know. He had just told the brunette novelist that he loved him, after all. Shuichi groaned quietly and went to the bathroom to take a shower and wash the filth from his sin covered body.

**-------------**

Christmas. Such a beautiful holiday, made even more beautiful by the snow that covered every inch of ground and building alike in the oversized city of Tokyo. Most parents had already been woken by their excited children by this time, and had already been through the annual ritual of opening presents and stuffing what room was left in their stomachs with a variety of delicious breakfast foods.

But, the two people who lived in apartment 8A were still fast asleep. Well, at least one of them was still asleep. The other lay perfectly still and stared at the rays of sunlight on the ceiling, trying to remember the dream that he woken up from. It had been good, he remembered that much. Or was it bad? Didn't you normally get jolted awake by nightmares or dreams that made too little sense to even dream about? That's what he had always been told, but this one was good. Bad dreams didn't leave you feeling warm and safe once you woke up.

Slowly, fragments of the dream came back to him and pieced themselves together. He closed his eyes and choked back a laugh when he remembered enough of the dream to get an idea of what it had been about. Okay, so maybe it _had_ been bad, but not in the sense of a nightmare.

He opened his eyes again and glanced at the other lying next to him in the bed. Man, he slept harder than a rock sometimes. He sat up carefully, not wanting to wake the sleeping man, and kissed him lightly on the cheek before swinging his legs over the bed.

"Shuichi," the man behind him groaned and lightly grabbed a handful of his shirt, "where are you going?"

"Merry Christmas, Tatsuha," Shuichi said and kissed him again. "Now go back to sleep. I'm just gonna go out and see what's on tv."

"Okay," Tatsuha mumbled and rolled over onto his side before drifting off again.

Shuichi chuckled silently and quietly made his way to the kitchen to grab a glass of water, still going over his dream. It had only been two days since he saw Yuki and he was already dreaming about him?

_But why only dream when you can…_, Shuichi cut his thoughts off and groaned quietly.

"No," he whispered, "I'm with Tatsuha. I don't need him, I shouldn't even be thinking about him."

_Don't lie to yourself, little weak Shu-chan. You know you need him! Tatsuha's been good but he's not the same._

"He's not a replacement," Shuichi growled and slammed the glass onto the counter. "I love him and he love's me. Eiri never loved me."

Shuichi winced at the words but chose to ignore it. He didn't need another reason to be angry at himself. He left the kitchen and went into the living room. He grabbed the remote from the end table and plopped down onto the couch, turning the television on as he did. As usual for Saturday mornings, nothing was on but news, cartoons, and infomercials. A familiar voice echoed out of the tv and he paused, gazing longingly a the beautiful face on the screen.

The man's blue eyes shined with happiness and he laughed heartily at something the reporter had asked him. He wore a navy polo shirt and jeans and a pair of… Where those tennis shoes?

"I guess people _do_ change," he mumbled for what seemed to the hundredth time.

The man ran his fingers through his brown hair, now colored with blonde highlights, and laughed again. Shuichi moaned quietly and told himself to change the channel, but he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Something hard with a sharp corner nailed him in the back of the head, and he turned to see Tatsuha glaring at the tv set.

"There's a box of tissues, now wipe the drool off you face and let's eat some breakfast," he growled and left the man who was opening and closing his mouth in confusion. He looked like a fish out of water.

_You weak little bastard,_ his conscience laughed and faded away.

Shuichi shook his head and turned the tv off before going to Tatsuha in the kitchen.

"What do you want to eat?" Tatsuha mumbled and dug around in the fridge.

"Cereal's fine," Shuichi replied and pulled a box of Fruit Loops out of the pantry.

"No, it's not. It's Christmas so we gotta have something good."

"Whatever," Shuichi muttered and put the cereal back.

"I talked to Hiro yesterday," Tatsuha said, wanting to keep conversation.

An instant sadness filled Shuichi's eyes and he bowed his head. He hadn't heard from or spoken to Hiro since the day of their photo shoot. "And?"

"Not much. He just told me to give you this card," Tatsuha said and pulled a business card out from underneath a magnet on the refrigerator. "I think it's a good idea."  
Shuichi took the cared and read the name. "Doctor Ezra Grather. He's a…therapist? What the hell is up with this?" he yelled.

"Yes, a therapist. I think it'll be good," Tatsuha said and set a plate of scrambled eggs and toast down in front of Shuichi.

"Why? So I'll be diagnosed as crazy and be put on pills? Yeah, I really think that's gonna help me a lot, Tatsuha."

"No, you're not crazy; you just need someone neutral to talk to. Someone who won't judge you."

"You mean someone who's _paid_ not to judge me? There's a difference between talking to you and talked to a therapist," he yelled. "I can't believe you!"

"At least think about it," Tatsuha whispered. "Please, Shuichi."

"What's there to think about? I've already made up my mind," he snapped and stood up.

"Please, Shuichi," Tatsuha repeated and caused Shuichi to stop in the doorway.

"Fine," he mumbled and left the kitchen with his eggs untouched.

They didn't do much that day, just lounged around the house and exchanged gifts. Shuichi's mind kept wandering to the man next door and what he was doing. He hated himself for thinking those things around Tatsuha, on Christmas of all days, but he couldn't control himself. He wanted Yuki, he admitted that to himself, but he wanted Tatsuha more. Or was it the other way around? His conscience just seemed to make him even more confused and angry at himself, but his thoughts kept coming. He kept thinking of burying his fingers in shaggy brunette locks, staring into crystal blue eyes while Yuki made love to him. They just wouldn't stop coming. He even cut himself a few times to try to cast away the thoughts, but they seemed immune to the blood shed.

He thought about the card in this pocket and when good could possibly come out of talking to an old quack. Nothing, but being put on pills or thrown into a mental hospital. But, what harm could it do? The pills, although inconvenient, could help to make him better. They had helped Ben, after all, so why no him, too? The hospital wouldn't help much, but maybe he just needed a good, harsh look at reality. Thinking about that just helped to make him even more confused (It didn't help that his conscience now kept calling him a week little_ psychotic_ bastard, either.).

Tatsuha sensed the obvious stress in his lover and tried to comfort him in the best ways he could: sex and comforting words. The words didn't do too much, but after sex Shuichi seemed calmer than he had without it. Tatsuha wished he could help Shuichi through whatever his problems were, but without knowing what they were he couldn't do much help. Shuichi never talked to him as much as he used to, they mainly only talked during sex or when they fought. He hated it, being totally oblivious to what was distressing his lover, but was content at the same time. He had a feeling that he really wouldn't like what was bugging Shuichi, and his feelings were usually right. He figured that it had something to do with his brother, and that could only mean problems.

Tatsuha tried as hard as he could to get Shuichi to open up, he even mentioned his upcoming tour in a failed attempt to get him pumped up, but nothing worked. Shuichi was lost in his own world of pain, despair, and confusion, and there was nothing that Tatsuha, or anyone else, could do to help him.

**-------------**

January first, the beginning to a new year with all new twists and surprises. Two days before, Tatsuha had gone to visit his father at the temple and to tell him about going to the States with Bad Luck in four days. This left Shuichi alone for three days to take care of the house and find something interesting to do. He went to see Yuki, and, of course, they ended up in bed together again. H had come to see the man six times already since Christmas and wanted to see him one last time before they left to the U.S.

They laid in each other's arms for a while afterward, basking in their love, burning in their sin. Yuki held Shuichi closer than usual this time and his every breath moved Shuichi's bangs and tickled his brow.

"I'm leaving tomorrow," Shuichi mumbled.

"I know," Yuki said and kissed the top of Shuichi's head.

"Are you coming or staying here?"

"There's no way for me to go without being in deep shit, so I'm staying here."

"Incognito is never a problem," Shuichi said. "Just look at yourself in the mirror."

Yuki chuckled and ran a hand through his dyed locks. "It's sexy, though."

"Never said that it wasn't," Shuichi laughed and pulled away from Yuki.

Yuki smiled and allowed Shuichi to take his lips up in a kiss.

"Why do you keep doing this?" Yuki mumbled when they pulled away. "I hope you know that you're driving me insane."

"You were insane before you even met me," Shuichi said and kissed down Yuki's neck to his collar bone.

Yuki laughed and pulled the man away from his job. "That's not the point," he said seriously.

Shuichi gasped and his eyes grew wide before he turned his head and to look away from Yuki. The brunette had other plans, however, and put his hand under Shuichi's chin so he would look at him.

"I know," Shuichi mumbled and let Yuki kiss him.

When they pulled apart, Yuki kissed away the salty tears on Shuichi's face. "I think you should go before Tatsuha gets back," he said.

Shuichi nodded and pulled away from Yuki's warm embrace, shivering slightly from the chill outside the blankets. He pulled on his clothes and returned to Yuki once more to give him a passionate kiss.

"I'll miss you," he said truthfully.

"And I'll miss you," Yuki muttered and kissed Shuichi once more before letting him leave.

Yuki stayed in his bed until he heard the front door click shut, and then he got up and pulled on a pair of sweats. After, he went to the kitchen and grabbed a beer and a cancer stick to satisfy his nicotine craving.

He hated what Shuichi was doing to him, and Tatsuha for that matter, but he loved it at the same time. There was a sort of sly, sneakiness to what they were doing…a sort of adrenaline rush. It made him feel more alive than he had in ages.

Yuki took one last long drag from his cigarette and snuffed it out in the ashtray before going into the bathroom. He stared at his reflection in the mirror for a while, boring into the fake blueness of his own eyes. He was _still_ hiding, but did he really need to? The person he had wanted to hide from the most had already figured him out, so what else was there to hide from? He couldn't keep writing every other book under a pseudonym or else it was going to destroy him. Twice the number of books in barely even enough time to write one, the stress was astounding.

A sharp pain seared through his head as his cell phone started to ring and he downed four ibuprofens before answering it.

"Ue-Ullman, speaking."

"Eiri?" Yuki growled silently in his throat at the voice.

"Yes, Tatsuha? How can I help you?"

"I…uh, I was just wondering if you've talked to Shuichi lately," Tatsuha said; the slight quavering in his voice made Yuki wrinkle his brow.

"In passing," he said, interested in where this conversation was going. "Why?"

"Just wondering. He's never home anymore and I don't know where he goes. I just wondered if you happened to know anything about it."

"Sure don't. He's home now, though. I just passed him on the way out. Maybe you should try talking to him."

_Why are you helping this bastard?_ he asked himself.

_Because you know that he's what's best for Shuichi_, his conscience answered.

"Oh, you're sure?" Tatsuha asked.

"Positive. I can call for you, but you could also do that yourself."

"No, don't worry about it. I'm almost back to Tokyo, so I'll talk to him later."

"Whatever."

"Thanks," Tatsuha said and hung up.

"Bastard," Yuki said and punched the off button on his cell phone before throwing it back onto the coffee table.

A small glint of metal caught the corner of his eye and he crossed the living room to pick up the source. It was Shuichi's necklace; he still hadn't remembered to take it with him when he left today.

_Then take it to him_. His conscience rang out in his head and he fought against it.

"No. If Tatsuha gets home before he lets me leave, we'll both be fucked."

_You've got time. Tatsuha's not even to Tokyo yet._

"No, but he's _almost_ to Tokyo."

_Pussy._

"Fuck you," Yuki said and shook his head when he realized that he'd been talking to himself.

_Pussy._

"Fine!" he growled to himself. "I'll take it, but it'll be quick and I'll be back home before Tatsuha even sets foot near this building."

He returned to his bedroom and threw on a tee-shirt before grabbing the necklace and heading out the door. The cold marble of the hallway stung his feet and he thought about running back for a pair of shoes, or at least some slippers, but it would take too much time.

He knocked once…no answer. Twice…still no answer. Three times…he knew that Shuichi was in there and pressed his ear to the door when he knocked again. A barely audible grumble echoed through the door and Yuki tried the handle. It was open. He pushed open the door and didn't see anything but the winter sunset shining through one of the open blinds over the windows.

"Shuichi?" he asked, but there was no answer. "Shuichi?" This time he got another small grumble and it brought his attention to the open kitchen door…and…"No."  
Yuki ran to the open door and found what he had been dreading. The red reflection he had seen on the door had been from the light reflecting off a puddle of blood that was slowly forming around Shuichi's body. It stained the sterile while linoleum floor crimson and, once he got a hold of himself, Yuki ran to the man's side to help him.

"Shuichi? Shuichi! Open your eyes!" he yelled and slapped him lightly across the face.

"Hm, Yu…ki," Shuichi mumbled as he opened his unfocused eyes.

"What the hell, Shuichi," Yuki said and rubbed his eyes in irritation at the tears that were welling up in them. He searched the kitchen and found a phone and a couple of dish towels to wrap around Shuichi's wrists to stem the blood flow.

When he was back next the man with the towels wrapped firmly around his wrists, Yuki frantically dialed for an ambulance and told them all they needed to know before hanging up on them. When he returned his attention back to the man lying in his lap, he saw that Shuichi's eyes were closed again.

"Shuichi!" he yelled and smacked him again. "Wake up, Shu!"

Shuichi cracked his eyes again and tried to focus on Yuki's face, but his vision was grey around the edges. "Yuki…, I…what?"

The confusion was apparent in Shuichi's eyes and Yuki couldn't stop his tears any longer. "Why did you do this, Shuichi?" he asked the man.

Shuichi's eyes rolled back into his head and Yuki screamed at him frantically to wake up, but got no reaction. The towels were already soaked with blood so he replaced one with his tee-shirt and the other with the other extra towel. Yuki winced at heat of Shuichi's shed blood on his chest, but knew that he had other things to worry about. He checked Shuichi's pulse and felt over his lips, relived to see that he was still breathing. He held the man close to him and was relived when the paramedics arrived a few minutes later.

He was reluctant to step aside for the paramedics to work, but was forced away anyway. As he stood watching the medics do what the could to make sure that Shuichi would make it to the hospital, Yuki kept going over the word he had seen that was finished by the cut on his left wrists. "Masochist."

TBC...

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A/N: I know, I know…horrible place to leave off. Sorry if this chapter sucked, too. I was dumb and rushed through it because I wanted to get it done before Thanksgiving. Well, guess what, it's done before Thanksgiving and that's all that matters. And…sorry for any grammar errors, I was barely had enough time to finish this so I really didn't have time to revise it. And yeah, I'm still gonna have to take that little break I mentioned in the beginning author's note. It sucks, but my little fluff-fest's coming along good. Look for it soon! It's called _The Way to A Man's Heart?_, and, yeah, it's another Gravi fic. I just love Gravitation!

Welp, thanks to: **clueless97, CassiToTheStars, kriziamoon, Celace, Bisexual Pygmy, subzero13, tati, ShatterDesire, **and **GravityNeko**. Oh yeah…to **Lenora-chan**, too (I can't remember if you told me your review or not, but thanks if you did). My loyal reviewers! I love you all! You make me a very happy person! Well, until chapter seven…ja!


	7. Worse Before it Gets Better

Hey everyone. So much for that break, huh? Oh well, I came up with a lot of ideas and I would have lost them if I didn't start working. Don't worry; they don't ALL involve more serious tragedies in Shu-chan's life, just some…

Yes, the beginning of this fic does go back to when Shuichi left Yuki's and tells his story before picking up where I left off, and it's mainly Shuichi-centric. Just in case you were wondering. Well, off to work then!...

Also, I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving and ate until they were about to burst and had fun with family! Twenty-four days 'til Christmas! Whoo-hoo! I want snow! Although, there were some flurries here on Thanksgiving morning, but they don't count 'cause I wasn't awake for them…

**Disclaimer:** The brain gnomes are still on their Thanksgiving vacation and will hopefully be back by the next disclaimer. Look for a new, witty disclaimer next time… Until then, as I've said before, I don't own Gravitation. Maki Murakami does and I am _not_ Maki Murakami, unfortunately…

**Worse Before it Gets Better…**

The past couple of days were a complete blank in his mind, literally. Ever since he had woken up in the hospital to find himself alive, Shuichi had become cold. Yeah, he had been cold before, but that was in a different sense. He couldn't remember anything that had happened to him, he just knew that he now had heavy bandages wrapped around his wrists and up to his elbow on his left arm. Whatever was underneath them throbbed dully, but he ignored it and concentrated on trying to get some coherent thought out of his confused brain.

What was the last thing he remembered? Leaving Yuki's and…talking to Tatsuha. Then all he remembered was pain and something red. Whatever that was probably had something to do the uncomfortable bandages, but what was it? Shuichi strained his mind to remember but nothing came.

Sighing slightly in confusion and anguish, Shuichi pulled the blankets tighter around his body and rolled over onto his. Maybe what had happened to him would come to him in his dreams…

_Two days before…_

Shuichi stepped out of Yuki's apartment and pulled the door closed behind him, leaning up against the cold, hard wood as he let his emotions rage. His conscience had been speaking to him more and more lately and now it was yelling at him and telling him what an idiot he was for letting the best thing in his life just stay here in Japan while he went to America and was surrounded my million of groupies that wanted nothing more than to sleep with him. While he knew that what it was saying was true, Shuichi blocked it out and crossed the hall to his apartment to finish his packing.

He opened his door and stepped into the cold and dark apartment. Shuichi shivered slightly from the chill and went to check the thermostat.

"Damn, no wonder it's so cold," he whispered when he saw that it was only sixty degrees in the house, and he turned the dial to warm it up.

He went around the house and checked all the rooms, making sure everything was in place and cleaning up a few odds and ends so the house would be clean while they were gone. When he entered their bedroom, Shuichi stared at the bed and thought about how the nights had been for the past few weeks. He had been waking up in the middle of the night from panic attacks for the past three weeks. They had made it difficult for him to breathe and difficult for him to move. The first night they had happened, he sat up in bed, clutching his chest with tears forming in the corners of his eyes, as he tried to gulp down breath after breath of air with no success. Tatsuha had woken up next to him and gazed at him with groggy eyes before realizing what was happening. He wrapped his arms around Shuichi and laid him back on the bed; pushing his sweat covered hair out of his face and running his fingers through it in an attempt to calm him down. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. He had had one panic attack while he stayed at Yuki's one night, but the man slept like a rock and Shuichi was left alone to calm himself down.

After that first panic attack, the numbness had started and he started to go downhill faster. As much as he hated the panic attacks, he hated the numbness more. But every time the panic attacks came he wished for the grey, suspended feeling the numbness always brought forth. It was just that while he was numb it felt it wasn't going to stop there. A never-ending black abyss of despair had opened beneath him and was slowly pulling him down. Going near that darkness hurt Shuichi more than he ever imagined, and he shrunk away from it.

Shuichi shook his head and crossed the room to open his closet, beginning to throw some clothes into his suitcase. He ran into the bathroom and dug through the drawers, grabbing his cologne, toothbrush, toothpaste, and other necessities to add to the pile of stuff.

The entire time, his conscience mocked him and tried telling him that he was still a weak little idiot and that Tatsuha wasn't the same as Yuki and he knew it. Shuichi fought with the voice in many failed attempts to get it to shut up, but it just kept getting louder and more annoying.

He headed for the kitchen to grab a bottle of ibuprofen and pulled his jacket around him tighter. He checked the thermostat one more time and wasn't surprised to see that it now read seventy-five degrees. He was never warm lately, the walls he had put around himself to keep the others from worrying had trapped the coldness from the abyss in with him. He was now in so far that he could no more escape his downward slide then sprout wings and fly. He was now so close to the darkness that he didn't know how to make it go away anymore.

He entered the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of medication from the cabinet next to the sink, catching a glimpse of the knife rack in the corner of his eye.

"I don't want this anymore…," he whispered and, almost as if he was amazed by the knives, he dropped the bottle of pills and walked slowly toward the rack, pulling out one of the double edge knifes and a paring knife. He dropped both knives onto the ground and fell to his knees next to them, ignoring the pain that shot through his body. He took off the flannel jacket covering his arms and stared at the cuts, scabs, and scars up and down his left and right arms. Wanting to get on with his job, he picked the paring knife up from the floor and stabbed the tip of it into the flesh of his left arm, just below the elbow. Instead of just making a cut, however, he carved the letter M, then an A, then a S.

The phone rang and he reached up to grab it, turning it on and pinning it between his head and right shoulder so he could still work.

"Hello?" he asked as he started to carve an O.

"Hey, Shu-chan!" Tatsuha's cheery voice rang out through the phone and Shuichi tensed slightly.

"H-hey Tatsuha. What's up? How was your visit?" He finished the O and started on the C, trying his best to block out the voice of his conscious as it started to sing a song about cheating and what happens when people find out about it.

"Oh, it was okay. He's still mad that I'm in college, but I think he's getting over it. Mika was there, too. It was nice seeing her again."

"Good, how are she and her bastard of a husband? I haven't talked to Touma since he ordered me to pick up your jackass of a brother."

"Oh, Mika's two months pregnant. She just told dad yesterday, too. He was surprised but they have been married for long enough, even if it took awhile for it to be for the right reasons."

"I guess," Shuichi muttered as he quit going over the C for the fourth time and started on the H. His arm started throbbing from the deep cuts and it was covered in blood, but he did his best to ignore it. Everyone would be so much better off once his plan was complete and it wouldn't do any good for him to back out of it now.

"Well, I'll be home in about an hour, okay?"

"Sure."

"I'll see you then, Shuichi. Aishiteru."

"Bye," Shuichi said and hit the off button on the phone and threw it up onto the counter.

The throbbing had turned into sharp pains that went all the way up to his shoulder as he made a quick I and started on another S. His eyes were completely blank, void of as much emotion as possible, as they had been since the panic attacks and numbness started. His mind was washed as blank as his eyes, and, as he finished the S, he drew a quick vertical line just above the vein of his left wrist.

He threw the paring knife aside and picked the double edged knife up from the floor beside him. He stared at the glare of light off metal, losing himself in the morbid beautifulness of it, before shaking his head and propping the knife between his thighs. He couldn't get scared now and once again, of course, his conscience had started to egg him on.

_Do it,_ it said._ You know how much better off everyone will be when you're gone. You had this chance _years_ ago and you chickened out, but don't back out now. You're not weak, little Shu-chan, you're strong. Unless you don't do this, that is. You know that you'll be weak forever if you don't do it now. You'll keep crawling back to Eiri and you'll keep hurting Tatsuha, not to mention yourself._

Shuichi closed his eyes and prepared himself for the pain as he placed each of his wrists on either side of the knife.

_Do it. Leave this life…this lie…behind. Remember the thoughts that flow through your head when you're in bed with Eiri. You want Tatsuha. You picture his warm eyes, his big smile, his lips, his hair, his…_

Shuichi cut both wrists simultaneously and the knife dropped down to the floor as his legs jerked in response to the pain. He hadn't expected it to hurt so much, since he was used to it, but it seared across all of his nerves like wildfire. The fresh blood added to that which had already fell to the floor, staining the white linoleum beneath him crimson. A wave of dizziness swept over him and he bent over, cradling his arms in his lap.

It actually didn't hurt anymore; in fact, the numbness was back and spreading. It started at his arms and was slowly making its way across his whole body. Another wave of dizziness swept over Shuichi and he slowly slumped to one side to lie on the floor. His vision was starting to go fuzzy, and he couldn't have moved if he wanted to.

A knock sounded from the front door and he moved his head to look it. Another knock, and then another. He moaned quietly, trying to get the person to go away, but they knocked again. He grumbled quietly and curled into the fetal position, holding his wrists as close to his body as he could.

The front door banged open and he heard someone call out. Was it Yuki? He didn't know, but if it was he still wanted to be left alone.

Shuichi closed his eyes as he suddenly began to feel very tired. The voice called out again and he grumbled quietly, sighing when he heard footsteps rush toward the kitchen.

The person gasped and ran to his side, slapping him lightly across the face. "Shuichi? Shuichi! Open your eyes!" the person he now knew was Yuki yelled frantically.

"Hm, Yu…ki," he muttered and, as another wave of dizziness swept through him, Shuichi opened his eyes to make sure the world wasn't spinning like he thought it was.

"What the hell, Shuichi?" Yuki said and Shuichi watched as the man rubbed at his eyes before searching the kitchen for something.

Yuki came back and wrapped what felt like towels around each of his wrists and on his left arm. He heard Yuki frantically tell someone on the phone about what was going on and Shuichi prayed that it wasn't Tatsuha as he closed his eyes.

"Shuichi!" Yuki said and smacked him again. "Open your eyes!"

Shuichi really wasn't listening but he opened them anyway. His vision was going grey around the edges and it was hard for him to focus on Yuki's face. "Yuki…, I…what?" he muttered, trying to tell him to go but wondering why Yuki was there in the first place.

"Why did you do this, Shuichi?" Yuki asked and he held Shuichi tighter, starting to cry as Shuichi didn't focus on his face.

He closed his eyes as another wave of dizziness swept over him, almost sending him into unconsciousness. The last thing he heard before drifting off was the panic in Yuki's voice as he screamed for him to wake up, but he couldn't.

The paramedics arrived soon after, but Shuichi had already slipped silently in darkness.

**-------------**

_Back to present day…_

A muffled sigh that echoed quietly throughout the room pulled the sleeping man from his dreams, and he opened hazy grey eyes to glance at the man lying in the bed across the room. Morning had come and small rays of light peeked through a small gap in the curtains. He saw that Shuichi was awake and quickly moved to the man's side, ignoring the pain in his back from sleeping in a chair for the night.

"You're awake," he said with a smile and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Hm," Shuichi mumbled and rolled onto his side to face his lover. "Unfortunately."

"Don't talk like that," he said and kissed Shuichi lightly on the cheek.

"When did you get back?"

"I've been told that it was about an hour after you…you know. Eiri called me and told me not to go home and to go to Ben's. I asked why, but he wouldn't tell me. He just insisted that I go to Ben's and he would fill me in."

"And you listened to him?"

"For once, yes. He sounded too serious to argue with so I just let it go and went to Ben's. He told me about what happened and a few hours later Eiri came back and filled us in on your condition and filled in the gaps of Ben's explanation."

Shuichi closed his eyes and sighed quietly. Filling in the gaps meant filling Tatsuha in on the situation between himself and Yuki.

"And, yes, he told me about that, too."

Shuichi's eyes flew open and he looked at Tatsuha in confusion. "Wh-what?...why are…-"

"Why am I here?"

Shuichi sat up in the uncomfortable bed and nodded. He thought that if Tatsuha had ever found out about him and Yuki, he would leave, but here he was. Sitting next to him and he even kissed him.

"Well, I was going to come here right once I found out, but that was only because I was ready to snap your neck in two. I think my exact words to Eiri were 'He'll be wishing you never found him once I'm done with him,' but he convinced me not to come. He told me to stay at Ben's for the next couple of days or at least until the kitchen was cleaned and everything was back to normal. And, again, I listened and thought. Well, actually, Ben did the thinking and I did the staring disbelievingly at air thing while he tried to get me to understand."

"You still didn't answer the question," Shuichi said and stared at the light blue hospital bed comforter. The hospital, instead of letting him leave the next day, had insisted to keep him under surveillance for at least ninety-six hours.

Tatsuha put a hand over Shuichi's, which was absentmindedly smoothing out invisible wrinkles, and used the other to make Shuichi look him in the eye. "I came back because I love you, and I think you love me too. If you don't, why did you carve that word into your arm?"

Shuichi's eyes grew wide as he realized what was hidden under the bandages of his left arm, but then closed as he got a headache from trying to remember what else had happened. "What word?" he muttered when he felt well enough to open his eyes again.

"What do you mean 'what word'?" Tatsuha asked in disbelief. "You don't remember?"

Shuichi shook his head and frowned as he thought. "No. The last thing I remember is…talking to you on the phone. That's it. I think I remember hearing Yuki's voice after talking to you, which I probably did, but it's all foggy. I don't remember what I was doing while I was talking to you, though."

"The doctors said that your memory was fuzzy but I didn't think I would be this bad," Tatsuha muttered and sighed, dropping the hand he had underneath Shuichi's chin. "It was masochist, Shuichi. I don't know why you chose that word exactly, and I don't know which one of us makes you think you're a masochist. I also don't think that you even know which one of us you were thinking of when you did it, but…I dunno. I'm so lost right now, Shu," he said and leaned his head back, letting tears fall freely down his face. "I don't know why you slit your wrists but I want to help you. I don't want to lose you, Shuichi."

Shuichi watched helplessly as his normally calm, cool, and collected boyfriend cried freely. He knew that Tatsuha had been doing that more and more lately and remembered how bitchy he had been and it made him feel guilty.

Without thinking, Shuichi jumped forward and wrapped his arms around Tatsuha's neck. He wanted to cry, but he couldn't. He was literally unable to cry. He didn't know why, but it scared him all the same. He, Shuichi, the once eighteen year old boy who bawled his eyes out at least once a day, now couldn't even bring a tear to his eye. He couldn't even make himself fake cry, no matter how he tried. He wanted to cry so badly because then he would know that he could feel something besides the intense hatred for himself inside his heart.

"Aishiteru, Tatsuha," he muttered truthfully.

Tatsuha's tears stopped abruptly as he slowly pulled Shuichi back to arm's length. In the now four months that they had been together, Shuichi had never told him that he loved him. He just said "I know" or "Goodnight, Tatsuha" whenever he said the words. He watched as Shuichi flashed a little smile and then pulled him into a tight hug.

"I love you, too, Shuichi," Tatsuha sobbed and gripped Shuichi as tight as he could.

Shuichi hugged Tatsuha back, remembering how he had longed for Yuki to say those words to him. It had been a long painful experience and the longer the boy he had been had gone without hearing those words, the colder he had become. It was hard to believe that Yuki was the cause of his transformation from the genki teenager he used to be to the angsty twenty-two year old he was today.

They pulled apart a few minutes later, Tatsuha placing a small kiss on Shuichi's lips before he stood up and headed for the door. "I think someone else wants to talk to you. He came while you were sleeping, but I really don't think that it helped him much," he said and disappeared.

It wasn't until he had sent Hiro into the room to visit his friend and sat down in one of the uncomfortable waiting room chairs that Tatsuha finally realized that there hadn't been anything behind that smile Shuichi had given him. It had been completely devoid of feeling, of emotion, of…anything. That sparkle he had still carried in his eyes was gone, that unwavering happiness he had had for his life and everyone in it, although it would kill him to admit that to anyone, had vanished.

That revelation being one to many for him to handle over the past two days, Tatsuha ran out of the hospital and to his truck. He didn't want to leave Shuichi, but he had already missed a day of school and he desperately needed some time to think about what _he_ wanted to happen next in his own story.

**-------------**

The next person to enter Shuichi's room was the last one that he expected to see for sometime. Not that they weren't friends or anything, he just thought that the brunette would have other things to do. But, judging by the serious expression on the normally cheerful man's face, he figured that he should have known better.

Ryuichi Sakuma crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed beside Shuichi, not taking his eyes off the sick man the entire time. Shuichi stared at his idol at a loss of words. The look on the man-child's face was disturbing. It shouldn't be there. Just another thing added to the list of things to blame himself for.

"Ryuichi,…I…what're you doing here?" Shuichi stuttered.

"I'm your friend, aren't I? I came to visit you and make sure you were okay," he said, still with the serious expression.

"Well, I'm alive, aren't I? I guess that's as okay as I'm gonna get for now," Shuichi dryly and looked away from Ryuichi. "And will you stop looking at me like that?"

"Like what, Shuichi? Like I care about you? Like I'm worried about you? Like I'm scared for you? I'm all of those things and more so don't tell me that I shouldn't look at you like this? Were you expecting me to come in here and act like a child and act like I know nothing about what happened? You attempted suicide, Shuichi, it's not something that should be taken lightly," Ryuichi said in all seriousness.

"I never said that it was," Shuichi said and lost himself in the snow that was falling lightly outside his window. It was amazing how the beautiful white ice seemed to perfectly reflect his not-so-beautiful personality: desolate, sterile, cold.

"Look at me, Shuichi," Ryuichi said and up a hand under Shuichi's chin so he could turn his head. "I know that you feel alone and that no one else can possibly understand what you're going through, but it's not true. We're all here for you and more of us than you think know exactly what you're going through. It's hard, I know, but you can't lose hope. Shuichi, how are the rest of us supposed to keep up our hopes of you of all people can't?"

Shuichi's eyes widened slightly at the proclamation, but he did his best to try and hide it. "Yeah, like any of you possibly knows what it feels like to want to die," he said and rolled his eyes.

"What about Ben, huh?" Ryuichi asked, smirking slightly when Shuichi sighed. "Yeah, he knows _exactly _what you're going through. And he's not the only one."

"Yeah, if you're telling me that you know what it's like to want to jump off the top story of a building, you're lying."

"I'm not, Shuichi. I lost my family when I was teenager. My mother, my father, my little sister, all of them died when a fire burned down our house. The only reason I'm alive right now is because I was at a friend's house when it happened." Shuichi watched as a tear fell down Ryuichi's face while he retold his painful story for the first time in years.

"I was put in a foster home program for three years. It was horrible. I went from one home to another, all in different parts of Tokyo, but I still attended the same school. Hiding from everyone was the hardest, because I went from one home where I was abused, to another where my 'parents' were always drunk and/or high. I had to hide the bruises, hide the smells of alcohol and marijuana. I even got busted once at school because my 'mom' decided to hide the pot from my 'dad' in my backpack.

"I hated it. I thought that I was the reason that my family died because I was still alive. If only I had just forgotten about asking to go to Touma's house, I would be dead along with my family. I was moved to another foster home and my 'father' was a perfectionist. If I got a B he beat me until I got it up to an A. My self-esteem and self-confidence were so low, Shuichi. He slowly turned me into a perfectionist. Nothing I ever did pleased me; I began cutting myself to punish my body for being so scrawny.

"That's when the nightmares started. They were of my family, burned and charred, telling me that they blamed me for it all. I wasn't good enough and never would be. A friend of mine accidentally introduced me to Oxycodon. It was a miracle drug. You think ibuprofen takes your pain away? It was nothing compared to this shit. All of my pain, physical and emotional, disappeared in a matter of ten minutes for about three or four hours. It was amazing because I felt like I was free.

"Social services soon found out about the abuse and I was moved to another home a few months later, but by then the damage was done. I was a perfectionist and was already in the mid-stages of addiction to the Oxycodon and when the full addiction came, it came hard. One day in December, two years after this all happened, I overdosed and slit my wrists. My older 'sister' and her boyfriend found me in the bathroom and called the police. It's a pity because I think that that was the first home that I felt safe and comfortable in, but I was in too much pain at that time to realize it. I still talk to that family, too. I bet you can't guess who my 'sister' was, though."

Shuichi sat wide-eyed with his hands over his mouth as he listened to Ryuichi's story. He had no idea that his idol had gone through so much. "Possibly Noriko?" he asked out of morbid curiosity through his hands. He strangely wanted to hear more.

"Right on," Ryuichi said and gave him a thumbs up. "I still don't think that's she's completely forgiven me for that, but she helped me feel loved and part of a family again. Both she and Touma helped, and through rehab and counseling I got over the drug addiction and cutting. I was diagnosed with alexithymia and put on anti-depressants, the doctor's favorite drug to give patients when they don't know what else to do with them. It was a long, hard process, but they also introduced me to something that I love more than life itself."

"Music," Shuichi muttered and Ryuichi nodded.

"Yup. Nori-chan heard me singing along with the radio one day and managed to convince me to sing in front of Touma. They both had played the keyboard in the school's band since only God knows when and they were both very good at it. Soon after, Noriko and Touma both pleaded with me to join them in a band, and in the end I agreed. And so…Nittle Grasper was formed. Music and my friends saved my life."

Shuichi still stared with wide-eyes as Ryuichi wrapped up his story. He would have cried if he could, but his tear ducts still seemed to be malfunctioning. Slowly, he lowered his hands and put a hand over Ryuichi's as he dried his face. "If it saved your life, why do you still hide?"

A small smile briefly flashed across Ryuichi's features as he wiped away the rest of the tears. "I don't know about you, but I like man-child Ryuichi a lot more than this Ryuichi," he said. "He's more lovable."

"But he's not who you are."

"He's who I was for three years," Ryuichi muttered, "and it's hard to get rid of someone that you were for that long of a time."

Shuichi nodded in understanding and watched as Ryuichi stood up from the bed. "I pray for you, Shuichi, but until you can talk I don't know how else I can help you. Just remember that Tatsuha, Ben, and I are here when you're ready. I think that someone else will be there, too, they just need to talk to you first," he said and left Shuichi alone to wait for the next surprise guest.

**-------------**

Hiro Nakano, Shuichi's best friend and, lately, worst enemy walked silently into the hospital room and closed the door behind him. Shuichi was still confused from his last visit, but quickly realized that the auburn-haired man's eyes were puffy and bloodshot from what looked to be a whole night of crying. Had he come in to talk to him while he was sleeping, too? He remembered hearing voices while he was sleeping, but he couldn't recall hearing Hiro's or Ryuichi's.

The long haired guitarist crossed the room, grabbing one of the chairs on his way, and sat down next to the bed. He was, just to put it nicely, a wreck. His eyes were the least of the man's worry. Purple bags hung under his eyes from sitting in the hospital without sleep since he found out about Shuichi's…um…situation, his hair was a mess and tied back away from his face in a messy ponytail, and he smelled like antiseptics although he was clean. When he spoke, Shuichi heard his voice crack and waver as if he had a very bad sore throat.

"I'm so sorry, Shuichi. It's all my fault!" he said and broke down, burying his head in his arms on the edge of the bed as he let the sobs take him over. "If I hadn't of…I'm sorry!"

Shuichi, still speechless, laid a hand on his friend's arm and smiled an emotionless smile when Hiro picked his head up. "It's not your fault, Hiro," he said and brushed a few stray locks of hair back behind Hiro's ear. "It's no one's fault but my own."

"No!" Hiro muttered. "If I hadn't of been such a heartless bastard that day you would be perfectly fine. Tatsuha told me about your panic attacks at night. He said that they started after our fight. I'm sorry."

"Again, it's not your fault. The panic attacks also started after I slept with Yuki that first night, so don't blame yourself," Shuichi smiled again and Hiro shivered slightly at the lack of anything behind it.

_This isn't right! This isn't Shuichi! Shuichi always has some kind of feeling, whether it's anger or happiness, but there's nothing. Not in his smile, not in his eyes, not in his voice. This wrong!_ Hiro thought and couldn't stop a tear from falling down his face.

Shuichi gently wiped the tear away and put his hands in his lap, looking eerily as if he were dead. It scared Hiro and he gasped quietly when Shuichi turned his emotionless eyes on him. "So, what's going on with the tour? I know that K can't be too happy with the time I chose to slit my wrists. Our first concert was supposed to be…yesterday, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, and you're right. K said that he would be more than happy to fly over here and put a bullet in your head for you if you wanted to die that badly, but Ben managed to convince him to stay," Hiro said with little to no humor. "I told him the same thing that I told Tatsuha when he said that you'd be wishing that Yuki-san hadn't of found you. It wasn't funny."

"Have a sense of humor, Hiro. You know how horrible K's aim is anyway, so it really wouldn't have mattered," Shuichi said and just let it go. "How is everyone, by the way? I hope Ben and Alexis' trip was good."

"Ben said that their trip was fine until he found out that his best friend almost killed himself and he wasn't here to see you. He is torn to pieces, Shuichi. I think we all are."  
Shuichi sighed and lay back on the bed. "Well guess what. To everyone's joy but my own, I'm still alive and will be able to continue the tour when the fucking doctors think I'm able," he said and rubbed at the bandages around his wrists in annoyance.

"That's not funny, Shuichi," Hiro said, his eyes widening in disbelief at his friend's cold words.

"Well it's the truth, isn't it?" Shuichi whispered, his voice escalating with every word as he continued. "I _wanted _to die, Hiro. But, _no_, Yuki had to come and come save the day and keep me alive. And for what? So I can be K's bitch and make music because I can't stop or he'll threaten to kill me? Oh, what a grand life I have!"

Hiro stood up from the chair and moved away in disbelief. "I have to go," he managed to say through tears and he left the room, hearing Shuichi's yells of rage follow him out.

**-------------**

It had happened in a blur. The doctors had rushed into room number 501 and administered tranquilizers into the raging man's body to get him to calm down. It was sad, really; watching a once happy teenager without a care in the world slowly change into this uncaring person.

He was anything but raging now, however. He now lay peacefully in the bed, his raven hair spilled loosely on the pillow around his head and amethyst eyes closed in a peaceful slumber. Or was it peaceful? The brunette man now watching him swore that he saw winces of pain and/or fear flash randomly across the beautiful face as he slept.

Reaching out gingerly, the brunette man brushed a lock of the raven hair away from the man's forehead and sat down in the chair next to the bed. The lack of talking was eerie, and the silence was filled with the beeping of the various machines situated throughout the room. The man watched as the green lines of the heart monitor jumped up and down, doing a morbid dance across the black screen.

He wiped a tear from a blue eye and began spilling his soul to the sleeping man. He knew that he couldn't hear him, but it made him feel better just to get it out. All of the secrets, the lies, the happiness, the pain, the… So many things he had to admit to the man and so little time he had to admit them. He went on and on for at least two hours, not once leaving the man's side. Talking until his voice was almost hoarse.

_I'm starting to sound just like you used to, you annoying brat,_ the man thought and smiled slightly.

The sleeping man stirred slightly and the brunette watched as his eye lids fluttered open. The dull and empty amethyst eyes landed on his face, and the raven-haired man smiled apathetically.

"And Superman saves the day again," Shuichi said with an emotionless laugh.

"What do you mean?" Yuki's eyes widened at the lack of emotion in the raven-haired man's voice.

"I mean, that you had to come and save the day instead of letting me die. Why'd you have to find me and bring me here?"

"Because it's what any normal halfway decent person would do. What did you want me to do? Let you lie there and die? You're too important to all of us for someone to just let you die."

"Sure, whatever. Well guess what, Eiri. You just managed to fuck my so-called important life up even more. Thanks so much for the consideration, you asshole."

"I'm not going to argue with you, Shuichi."

"Then don't, Eiri," Shuichi said and rolled over onto his side to face the wall.

An uncomfortable silence lingered in the air between them as Yuki stared at Shuichi's back in a sort of morbid awe.

_He's so angry. Am I really the cause of it? Is it really me that drove him to lengths of suicide not once, but twice?_

Yuki frowned in concern and stood up to pace the room. He wanted to make sure that he thought out what he was getting ready to say so he wouldn't piss Shuichi off even more.

"What am I supposed to say, Shuichi? I'm sorry for saving your life instead of leaving you to bleed to death on your kitchen floor? Do you want me to tell you that I wish that you _were_ dead so my life would go back to normal? Well, I'm sorry, Shuichi. You're expecting too much if you want that."

"No," Shuichi said and sat up to face Yuki again. "Just tell me why in the hell you were there in the first place? I had just left your house, Eiri. You can't tell me that you got that lonely in that short amount of time. What? Were your 'Shuichi-senses' tingling or something, Superman?"

Yuki rolled his eyes and walked toward the door. "No. I went to return this," he said and tossed Shuichi his necklace. "I don't need it anymore." And he left Shuichi alone to stare.

**-------------**

Shuichi awoke with a start but didn't get up; he didn't feel the need to. He had been released from the hospital the next day with orders to rest and instructions to Tatsuha and the others to not be left alone. Counseling had been scheduled with Doctor Ezra Grather and he was inconveniently put on anti-depressants. Tatsuha hadn't left his side since, and at least once a day one of the others came to visit him.

It was rather annoying, always having the man around, but it somehow made Shuichi feel better at the same time. When he was with Tatsuha he didn't feel quite as cold as he did around others, and feeling something was a hell of a lot better than feeling nothing. At times, although it wasn't very often, he could say that he even felt at peace with himself. Even if he wasn't at peace, however, he didn't feel the need to end his own life anymore either. There wasn't even enough will for that left in his body.

He and the band had a meeting later on today to discuss what was going to happen with in America. For now, the tour had been temporarily postponed until further notice. He knew that at least one of the others was going to suggest that they cancel the tour completely, and they would do it while glancing nervously at Shuichi the entire time. He thought that Suguru would be the one to do so, but Sakano would too. Too bad Ben was still in America and couldn't join in the fight.

A yawn rose from the bed next to him, and Shuichi felt the bed shift as Tatsuha sat up.

"'Morning," Tatsuha said and kissed Shuichi lightly on the cheek before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed.

Shuichi acknowledged the greeting in his mind, but showed no sign of it on his face. He didn't move, didn't talk, didn't do anything.

Tatsuha stood up and walked toward their bathroom. Shuichi yawned and stretched, but still didn't get up. He rolled over and glanced at the numbers of the alarm block on his bed stand. It was nine-thirty and he still had an hour and a half until he had to go meet Hiro, Suguru, and Sakano.

Looking forward to at least another half an hour of sleep, Shuichi rolled over and pulled the blankets over his head to block out the rays of bright morning sunlight. Somewhere in his mind he heard the water in the shower shut off and, a few minutes later, the bathroom door opened.

Shuichi heard Tatsuha sigh and a few seconds later the blankets were thrown back from his body. "Come on, Shuichi, you need to get up."

Shuichi groaned and curled up into the fetal position to get comfortable again.

Tatsuha sighed heavily and reached out to physically pull Shuichi out of the bed. A few memories of him having to pull Shuichi out of bed after Yuki had left resurfaced while he did this. By then, however, he had lost the will to live but had also lost the will to die. Tatsuha prayed to God that it was different this time, even though he knew that it wasn't.

Shuichi fought back for a few seconds, then figured he was going to lose anyway so he quit. Tatsuha pulled him up and led him to the bathroom, it was only then that Shuichi realized that Tatsuha was only in a towel.

"Here, Shu. Get in and take a shower. I'm gonna get dressed and if you're not in the shower by the time I'm done, I'm gonna be pissed," Tatsuha said and left Shuichi alone. Bad idea.

The numbness that had surrounded Shuichi was still there, but, instead of becoming less, it had doubled. He couldn't feel anything inside, it was almost as if Yuki had never found him and he was indeed dead. To rid himself of this feeling, or at least attempt to, Shuichi started the shower and dug around in the back of one of the drawers for one of the razor blades he knew was there. No, he didn't want to kill himself, but he wanted to feel something other than the cold, emptiness. He set the blade on the inside edge of the tub and stripped before stepping under the lukewarm water. He closed his eyes and let the water run down his head for a while before picking up the blade and dragging it across his arm multiple times with no avail. He only felt a dull stinging as the water ran over and entered the open wounds, that was it. He did feel better though.

Shuichi set the blade on the shelf that held the shampoo in the shower and cleaned up. Sometime during this, he heard Tatsuha open the door to make sure he was really in the shower and then close it a few seconds later.

Once he was done, Shuichi turned off the water and climbed out of the tub, bringing the razor with him. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist, and then threw the razor blade into the trashcan. Maybe now he might be able to stop, if only for a little while, if he didn't see the blade. But he knew that there were two more blades lurking somewhere in the drawers underneath the sink. Would he still be able to stop knowing that he had back-ups? Did he really want to stop?

Shuichi swiped some liquid bandage over the cuts and left the bathroom, glad to see that Tatsuha was no where to be seen. He crossed the room to his closet and pulled on a navy long sleeve tee-shirt (careful to pull the material loosely around his wrists as they were still tender beneath the bandages) with a grey short sleeve tee-shirt over it and a pair of khaki cargo pants. He rubbed the towel through his hair in a rough drying attempt and then threw it aside before going out to the kitchen.

Hiro was already there to take him to the meeting (he wasn't allowed to drive for the fear that he would purposely wreck) and he smiled heartily when he saw his friend.

"Hey, Shu-chan! How are you feeling?" he asked.

Shuichi ignored him and walked past him to the bottle of Zoloft sitting on the counter.

"Don't worry, Hiro. He doesn't talk to anyone really. Not anymore," Tatsuha said with a frown and turned his sad eyes to Shuichi who was now slipping into his Vans.

The apathetic raven-haired man stood up and pulled on his jacket, waiting silently and patiently for Hiro at the door.

"Bye, Shu," Tatsuha said and kissed him softly. "I'll see you when you get home okay?"

Shuichi nodded slightly and followed Hiro out the door and to his car.

It was a quick and silent ride to the studio, and, in less than ten minutes, they found themselves seated in an office inside NG with Suguru and Sakano.

"Good morning, Shindou, Nakano, Fujisaki. After a few late…um…problems, the tour has so far been postponed until we decide what needs to be done. We are here today to decide whether to cancel the tour or continue as planned," Sakano explained. "Seguchi-san sends his regards and wishes that he could be here, but he had to see Sakuma-san off, as he returns to America today."

"I think we need to cancel," Suguru said almost immediately and with no hesitation. It looked like he was living up to Shuichi's predictions, "or at least postpone it for a couple of months. Shuichi is in no condition to be performing."

"We need to go so he can get away," Hiro argued. "I think we need to continue within the next couple of weeks."

"He is in no condition to sing! He's going to have the bandages on his wrists for the next couple of months, Hiro. How will we explain those?" Suguru yelled.

"K will take care of it like he always does," Hiro said and threw a small glance toward Shuichi.

He wasn't listening to a word that they were saying. He was just sitting there, staring out the window. Not at anything in particular, just at the fridged snow falling lightly on the other side of the glass. It was actually kind of sad. He knew that Suguru was talking bad about him, but he didn't care. He talked bad about himself all the time, after all.

"We still need to go, Suguru," Hiro said. "Performing and Tatsuha are the only things keeping him going, can't you see that? He needs it more than any of us do."

"I know, but if word gets out that the angsty vocalist of Bad Luck attempted suicide, how do you think the fans'll react? We may not even have crowds to perform for."

"If they are true fans of Bad Luck they'll stay. Americans get this more and take things like this a little easier than they do over here. Hell, they even have hundreds of songs _about_ suicide, so I don't think they'll care."

"And what about our Japanese fans? You think they'll be the same?"

"Why do you think K was so quick to cover it up? And in both here and America? Unless he changes his mind and wants to use it as another psycho publicity stunt, no one will know about it but us."

Suguru sighed, but wouldn't accept defeat. He dropped his head and closed his eyes to think. "Well, what if we at least wait until February? Move all of the concerts up a month? It's only a month and it'll give us some time to go over what we really want to do. We all need some time to recover, you know we do. These past few weeks have felt like months, Hiro. It's been hard."

"Fine," Hiro said with a sigh, "but we still have to meet. We need to practice and get better. People are gonna expect us to be good for making them wait a month, and we gotta be more than that."

Sakano finally came in, sick of looking back and forth between Hiro and Suguru, and said, "Good idea, Nakano, but what're we going to do if our vocalist doesn't'\ sing? Or what if he does and just doesn't care? His songs aren't songs without emotion."

"I know," Hiro said and threw another concerned glance in Shuichi's direction, "but we'll think of something. We have to."

"Agreed," Suguru said and stood up. "That was quick. We just wasted half an hour arguing, now what?"

"Well, we need to contact K and Benjamin and tell them of our plans. I think they should both return to Japan, even if it's only for a month," Sakano said.

"I'm afraid that K will have a negative effect on Shuichi, though," said Hiro. "We can't have him waving his guns in our faces like he owns us, anymore. It's not right, never has been."

"I'll make sure to tell him that, but I'm not sure about how well he'll listen," Sakano said with a little edge in his voice. "That man won't be separated his guns without a fight."

"I'm not saying that he needs to be separated from them, he just needs to control it. We're not his…bitches, okay? He's our manager, yeah, but he's not Touma."

"Alright," Sakano said, "and I think that one of you should phone Ben." His gaze lingered on Shuichi a little when he said this. "You're his band mates and I'm sure that he would love to hear from one of you."

"Don't worry, Sakano. I'll do it," Hiro said, resulting in a somewhat angry glance from the producer. "I know who you would like to call Ben, but, if you haven't noticed, he hasn't opened his mouth or ears since we got here. I don't think that he's planning on talking anytime soon, either."

Sakano sighed and shook his head. "And how do you plan on convincing him to sing if he won't even talk?"

"Me and Tatsuha'll work our magic. Don't worry about it."

"No worrying is the last thing I'm going to be able to do," Sakano said and sighed heavily, "but I'll try."

"Thank you," Hiro said and glanced at Suguru who had gone strangely quiet. "And thanks to you too, Fujisaki."

Suguru just smiled idly and turned back to Sakano who had just stood up.

"I think that's all for today," he said. "I think that we should meet once Ben and K are back and safe and decide on what to do from here. And, yes, I will make sure to tell K that he needs to be a bit more conservative with the gun waving." Then he left without another word.

Suguru stood up a few seconds later and grabbed his satchel from the floor, swinging it over his shoulder. "I have to go, too," he said and headed for the door. "I'll see you guys later. Um…I hope you get better soon, Shuichi." Then he too left the room.

Hiro turned to Shuichi and stood up, stretching and wincing as he heard his back pop. It still hurt from sitting in the uncomfortable hospital chairs for two days straight.

"Ready, Shuichi? I bet Tatsuha dying to see you, even though it's only been an hour, but hey," he said and pushed his chair in.

Shuichi didn't even acknowledge Hiro's voice and just kept staring at the snow outside like his friend wasn't even there. Hiro, seeing this, walked up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder, causing Shuichi to jump a few inches out of his seat. He turned his dull eyes onto Hiro and his blank gaze caused a shiver to ripple through Hiro's body.

"Come on, man. Meeting's over, it's time to go," Hiro said softly, sighing a little when Shuichi nodded in apology and acknowledgement.

Together, the two left the office building and it wasn't until then that Hiro noticed that Shuichi kept absentmindedly itching at the bandages around his wrists.

_Why's he keep doing that?_ Hiro wondered. _They can't be healing already._

He wanted to say something to him about it, but he figured that Shuichi would just ignore it anyway. They walked to Hiro's car in silence, drove back to Shuichi's building in silence, walked up to Shuichi's floor in silence, entered the apartment in silence…

_Living with Ayaka's constant gossiping must have gotten to me because this silence is going to drive me insane!_ Hiro thought as he followed Shuichi inside.

Tatsuha wasn't there, but left a note to call him when they got back and he'd be home as soon as possible. And, oh, could Hiro please stay and watch Shuichi until he got back? Hiro immediately called Tatsuha's cell phone as Shuichi went to sit on the window sill and stare out the window, again. Hiro shook his head in sadness and told Tatsuha that, yeah, he would be able to stay as long as it wasn't for too late. When he got off the phone with him, Hiro called Ayaka, and then Ben.

"Hey, man. What's up?" he asked

…

"Really? Sweetness. How's Lexie? We miss her at the coffee shop."

…

"That's good. Oh, I wanted to call you and tell you that the tour's gonna be postponed until February."

…

"I know, Suguru wanted to cancel it all together, but we finally agreed on moving it all up a month. It'll give us time to recuperate from everything and get a little more planned."

…

"Yeah, he said that he wants you and K to return here. I'm guessing that NG will pay for the plane tickets."

…

"Yeah."

…

"Shuichi? Well…he's alive, I think. He hasn't talked all day. The only acknowledgements I've seen out of him are two nods."

…

"You just can't picture it unless you see him. It's sad, really sad. I wish I could help, but I know that I can't. He's got an appointment for counseling later this week, though. Maybe that'll help."

…

"Yup. He's on those, too. The doctor put him right on those once he woke up."

…

"They don't seem to be doing too much. You become insanely hyper when you take your pills, but he hasn't changed at all. He's still just as uncaring and blank as he is without them."

…

"Hey, I gotta go 'cause I don't wanna run up their phone bill. I've gotta watch him until Tatsuha gets back."

…

"I don't think he wants to talk. Maybe he'll at least be talking a little by the time you get back. Hopefully."

…

"Okay, well I'll talk to you when you get back, okay?"

…

"Tell Lexie I said hi."

…

"Okay, bye." Hiro hung up and set the phone on the counter before walking out to the living room. "Hey, Shu, ya wanna watch tv?"

Shuichi shook his head and continued staring out the window.

"Aw come on. What can be so interesting out the window?" he asked and kneeled next to him on the floor.

Shuichi sighed and broke contact with the snow to look at Hiro. "A lot if you really pay attention," he said and looked back outside.

"Okay," Hiro said and gave him a little hug before settling himself down on the couch and turning on the television. This was going to be a long month.

TBC…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Okay, this was a big 'un. A very long chapter, but Shuichi's still alive! Yeah, he's just a little antisocial and apathetic, but he's alive! I can't wait to start on chapter eight…

Okay, anyone that can catch the symbolism in the part where Yuki is talking to Shuichi gets a cookie. If you catch it, put it in your review and I'll tell you if you were right or not. I didn't catch it until after I wrote it, actually…

And, yeah, the little dots (…) when Hiro is talking to Ben is Ben's part of the convo but you can't hear him because it's over the phone. I know that I normally type both sides of the conversation, but I wanted to do something different this time. I think I like this better 'cause it kinda leaves ya wonderin' a little. And, sorry to those of you that didn't like Ryuichi's past. I wanted him to relate to Shuichi somehow, and that's just what happened to float into my semi-disturbed brain while I was sitting here typing. It's not bad, just…sad…

Anywho, thanks so much to:** GravityNeko, subzero13, KittyInTheBox, Guren, kriziamoon, clueless97, Darkness Flames, **and **tangerine-asuka** for reviewing last chapter. Also, thanks to **Shuichi-404, mariklover12, **and **Guren** for reviewing "The Way to a Man's Heart"! Just the fact that you take the time and review makes me feel special! Huggles to all of you!...

Until chapter eight…ja!...


	8. Remember to Forget

Chapter eight, chapter eight; I can't believe that I'm already at chapter eight. Man, _re-reads chapters 1-7_ I fit a lot of stuff into seven chapters, too. I don't know if I see an end in sight any time soon, but I guess that when the time comes for an end, that'll be it…

Alright, symbolism… Okay, all of your ideas were very good and some of them (a lot of them, actually) were some sort of symbolism that was in that chapter. The main one that I wanted someone to say something about, however, was at the _very_ end when Yuki threw Shuichi his "balls" before leaving and said "I don't need it anymore". Dun, dun, dun… What's that mean? Does he not need Shuichi anymore? Maybe and maybe not…you'll just have to stay with me to find out…

Okay, guys, I've got finals coming up next week at school, so I'm sorry to say that I won't be able to update again for two weeks. I know, I know. It sucks but hopefully I'll still be able to work, since I'll have free periods in the classes I don't have finals in. Finals suck, but I gotta pass 'em so I can get outta high school sometime…

Welp, I guess that's all I have to say for now, so sayonara until the end…

**Disclaimer:** The brain gnomes are back…WHOO-HOO…and have given me a new disclaimer! I am not Maki Murakami. I don't look like her, I don't sound like her, I don't live like her, I don't own _Gravitation_ like her; so, therefore, I am not her. The only minor connections I have to her (if they even count) are that I am one of the millions that have bought all four volumes of the anime and/or all of the manga that is out so far. _sobs at her own misfortune_...

**Remember to Forget…**

Ryuichi sighed quietly as he flipped through his photo album, his gaze lingering on the few pictures he had of Shuichi. The younger man hadn't talked to anyone unless it was absolutely necessary for a month. No one; not Tatsuha, not Hiro, not Ben, not Suguru, not him, and now he was due to come to America for a tour across the country, alone. Okay, not physically alone, but alone in mind and spirit.

A drop of water hit the page, splashing across the plastic protective surface, and Ryuichi put a shaking hand to his face. He hated crying. Sure, he didn't it more than any normal person would, but those were fake tears. Tears designed to help further bury him under his façade. These tears, the ones that fell now, were real tears. Tears of grief, anger, and guilt; tears that came out in violent sobs and made his head hurt for hours afterward.

He slowly traced the figure of the once pink-haired baka with this finger, smearing the salty tears and letting his sobs become more violent. The tears sent fierce shudders rippling through his body and tore his eyes away from the image, cursing at himself for the hundredth time in guilt. If only he'd paid more attention to the broken man, if only he'd noticed the deep gouges on the man's arms, if only he'd noticed the emptiness in his once cheerful eyes, if only…

Ryuichi slammed the album shut in an attempt to stop the tears, but failed miserably. He lay back on his bed and buried his face in the pillows, now breaking down in hysterics. He now saw so much of his old self in Shuichi that it scared him more than he had been afraid of himself. Not that he was afraid of Shuichi; he was just terrified of what the man might try to do now. Hopefully he would do the same thing he did, nothing. After he had slit his wrists, Ryuichi had been so depressed and so far away that he didn't even have the strength to kill himself.

He tried to ignore the nagging voice of guilt back in the far corners of his mind, but the harder he tried, the louder it got. It wasn't only his fault, was it? What about Tatsuha? And Hiro? If not keeping a close enough eye on the man was the problem, then what about them? Wouldn't they be to blame, too? They spent more time around Shuichi and weren't usually half a world away from him, so wouldn't they be to blame? He thought so, but didn't know.

The sobs slowly began to calm, and Ryuichi lifted his face cautiously from the pillow, drying his face to the best of his abilities with the back of his hand. He stood up from the bed and slowly managed to pull himself to the bathroom, looking at his reflection in the mirror in disgust. With a turn of handle, he turned on some cold water and splashed it on his face. He winced slightly as the cold liquid stung his skin, burying his face in the soft hand towel by the sink. He pulled the towel away from his face and looked, reluctantly, at his reflection.

He looked absolutely horrible. His normally happy blue eyes were bloodshot and rimmed in hideous dark circles, his hair was disheveled and looked like it hadn't been brushed in days, and his once only minorly baggy clothes hung from his limbs as if he were a twig.

Ryuichi sighed and tore his eyes away from his wreck of a reflection, headed back to his bedroom. He hadn't slept in a week and hadn't eaten since he left Shuichi's hospital room so long ago. Touma had seen this, he knew the blonde had, and so had Noriko, but they hadn't said anything. He knew that Noriko was about to fret herself to pieces, but, unless she decided to surprise him and fly overseas, there was nothing she could do. She couldn't be here with him to make sure he ate, and then make sue that he didn't throw it all up when she wasn't looking. He was now to a point were he considered it a diet. Judging by how much of a glutton he used to be, he figured that his body had some access fat stored somewhere to make up for what he was depriving it of now.

Ryuichi crossed the room to his balcony-like deck and leaned gently on the railing, closing his eyes against the cool, country breeze that played with his bangs. When he'd first moved to America, he had lived in LA, but soon found the glamorous and fast-paced life to be boring. So, he had crossed the county and found a beautiful log cabin home near Lake Placid in the Adirondack Mountains. It was quiet and peaceful and beautiful, completely different from the city-life, and, best of all, isolated. He was alone for miles, separated from his neighbors by trees and the large lake.

He gazed at the moon's reflection in the glassy water, letting the rock of white light fill his vision. The moon was beautiful and made his skin look ghostly pale under its light. He raised a hand in front of his face and wiggled his fingers, smiling at the iridescent glow that seemed to radiate off his fingertips as they danced.

_Maybe I am a ghost, after all,_ he thought.

The smile fell from his face, however, when the phone rang, its scream piercing painfully through his skull. He didn't want to answer it, and wouldn't have if it hadn't of rang again almost immediately. That ring was only saved for one person, Touma was calling…again. This blonde friend had called at least once every hour all day long, maybe hoping to catch the singer, but Ryuichi hadn't answered.

Ryuichi groaned and went back into this home to the phone lying on his bed stand, figuring that answering it once wouldn't hurt and it might even get Touma off his back. "Hello?"

"Ryuichi?" Touma's voice sounded confused, almost surprised. Did he really sound _that_ bad?

"Nope, he's currently dead in the closet and I decided to be one of the stupid murderers and answer his phone," he joked, trying to humor what sounded to be an exhausted NG president.

"That's not funny, Ryu," Touma growled, causing Ryuichi to jump slightly. "Sorry, but I'm worried about you, Noriko too, and it kills us that we can't be there to help you. Have you eaten anything today?"

"No." Ryuichi knew that it was useless to lie to someone who could see through anything.

"Ryuichi," Touma sighed, almost as if he was letting his anger taper off. "Why not?"

"I wasn't hungry, so I didn't eat. What did you expect? Me to stuff myself until I was about to burst when I wasn't even hungry?"

"How can you not be hungry, Ryu? You haven't eaten anything in a month!" Touma said. "Have you been home all day?"

"Yes, I haven't left my bed. I haven't slept in a week and I started the day with a migraine, so I wanted to get some rest."

"Why didn't you answer the phone any other times that I called, then? If you were home all day, you would've heard it."

"I'm too lazy," Ryuichi laughed and sat on his bed. "It must be urgent, though, since you called once an hour. Have you not gotten any sleep, either?"

"No, I was getting prepared to hop on a plane and fly over there if you didn't answer the phone any time soon."

"Don't worry, Touma. I'm not dead, just malnourished and sleep deprived so you have nothing to fret your little self about."

"It's still not funny, Ryuichi," Touma said, seriousness hardening his voice like a rock. "Listen, I have to go, but, please, promise me that you'll eat something."

"Whatever."

"I'm serious, Ryuichi. I don't care if it's even just a pretzel, just eat _something_."

"Alright, alright, I'll eat a crumb," Ryuichi said, grinning when he heard Touma sigh. "All you said was something."

"Do I really have to be specific?" A quiet pause followed. "Fine, please eat some kind of full course meal. Breakfast, lunch, dinner…pick one."

"Sure. I gotta go, Touma. It's one o'clock in the morning here and I'm missing out on actually trying to catch some sleep."  
"Okay. I'll talk to you later, Ryuichi. Be looking for Bad Luck if they come near you. I'm sure Shuichi would love to see you," Touma said.

"Already have tickets," he said. "Bye, Touma."

Ryuichi hit the off button of his phone and threw it back onto his bedside table before lying back on his bed. He closed his eyes and let his thoughts wander, reverting back to old memories again. He'd hoped that telling Shuichi about his past would help to let the man open up to him a little bit, but that plan had obviously come back and bit him in the ass. Hard, too. He didn't know what else to do. He saw so much of himself in the man, and he got even angrier at the fact that he couldn't help him. Ryuichi had gone back in time every night for the past month, suffering through nightmares and reality, and tried to come up with some kind of alternate form of help. None came.

He felt so helpless and he hated feeling helpless. Was he just supposed to sit back and watch Shuichi rot from the inside out? Was he supposed to just let the man continue this tour in America? If he came here, the man would feel even more lost in the foreign land. But if he stayed in Japan he always ran the risk of seeing _him_ again. Eiri Yuki, Eiri Uesugi, Erik Ullman, whatever you wanted to call him. He was the one that Ryuichi really blamed for everything, for Shuichi so much pain, for driving to the extent of committing suicide…he didn't know if he would ever be able to forgive Yuki for that.

Alright, so maybe staying in Japan was the grandest idea, but if he came to America there was only one thing Ryuichi could do to make sure he was never alone.

Face set in solemn determination; Ryuichi picked up the phone and dialed Touma's number. The blonde answered on the second ring and Ryuichi sighed before stating his idea.

"I'm going on tour with Shuichi."

**-------------**

"Good afternoon, Shindou-san. How are you today?" a fairly young man clad in a white dress shirt and black dress pants asked as he entered the almost too comfortable room.

It was Shuichi's fourth and last therapy session before he left for America and Tatsuha had insisted that he come. Even though he was a little better, just a tiny bit, but anything was an improvement. He now actually talked more than only when words were necessary, but still wasn't known to carry an extremely long conversation.

"Okay, I guess. How about you Ezra-san?" Strangely, his therapist didn't like to be called by his last name; he said it made him feel old. Tatsuha said that the young American man was partially responsible for Shuichi's good change, but Shuichi wasn't so sure.

"I'm good. I'm off to America to spend a couple of weeks with my family today, maybe we'll see you on tour," Ezra said.

"Maybe," Shuichi said and looked out the window at the beautiful, cloudless sky.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Ezra asked. "It's a nice change from the constant rain we've had."

"Yup," Shuichi said and looked back at his doctor as he took a seat across from him.

"So, where's Uesugi-san today? I'm surprised he didn't come."

"Oh, he did. He just didn't want to come in this time. He wanted to see how I did without him being in the room with me," Shuichi said. "So far I guess I'm the same. Plus, he's got an appointment right after mine so I guess that he didn't want to be in here forever."

"That's sensible," Ezra laughed and opened Shuichi's chart. "So, when do you get your bandages off? Can't be much longer now, can it?"

"They won't be off before the tour starts, but I think they'll be off by the end of February. I hope to God that they'll be off before March. These fuckers itch like hell," Shuichi said and rubbed at the lumps underneath the sleeves of his shirt. "I'm going to get them changed today after we leave here, so hopefully I'll find out a close date then."

"That's good news. I'm glad that they are healing well, and more than just your wrists."

"What do you mean, Ezra-san?" Shuichi asked, genuine wonder flashing across his features.

"I mean that more than just your cuts have healed, Shuichi. I think that you have somewhat healed too. You're talking and I think that not conversing with the cause of everything has really helped you heal," Ezra said and smiled at the look on Shuichi's face. "So, where did we leave off last time?"

"I started telling you about how we got our shot at NG," Shuichi said, still somewhat confused by what the doctor had said.

"Oh, yes. So, do you want to continue with that or tell a different part of your story? Either one's fine with me, I'm here to listen, not to talk."

"Um, I think I'm ready to start on a different part of my story. The reason why I think I'm here," Shuichi said almost hesitantly. He wasn't quite ready to tell his therapist about when he met Yuki and the years that came after that, but he knew he had to do it sometime.

"That's good. You can't get better until you get out what's bugging you," Ezra said and leaned back in his chair. "I'm all ears."

And so, Shuichi told Ezra about he and Yuki's "fateful first encounter" and some of what came after that. The calm before the storm, as some would have called it…the happiness before the pain.

Before he knew it, Shuichi's hour was up and he left the confines of Ezra's office, only to sit in the waiting room for an hour while Tatsuha had his appointment. He thought it strange that Tatsuha had a sudden liking of the therapist and had started visiting himself, but the more the merrier.

_Maybe he needs therapy because of me,_ he thought and laughed at his own stupidity. Although, somewhere deep down he knew that he might just be right.

**-------------**

"Uesugi-san, how are you today?" Ezra asked as he shook Tatsuha's hand. "I'm glad to see that you came back."

"Yup," Tatsuha said absently and sat down across from the doctor.

"So, where did we leave off last time you were here?" he asked and consulted Tatsuha's chart. "Ah, yes. You began to tell me about your friend. Rori, was it?"

"Yes," Tatsuha said, wincing slightly at the name he hadn't heard or spoken of in years, "that was his name."

Ezra noticed the grimace that crossed the raven-haired man's face and frowned slightly in concern. "Are you sure you're ready to talk about him? If it's too painful, you don't have to talk yet," he said.

"Why be afraid to finally talk about my worst nightmare when, in a way, I'm reliving it?" he asked and gazed sadly out the window. "It would be a sign of weakness not to talk about it now."

"Sometimes it's afraid to show weaknesses," the doctor said. "You don't have to be afraid of not telling someone your fears. Usually it's the other way around."

"I'm not afraid, I just hate it," Tatsuha said and let the tears fall down his face. "I hate being so afraid and I hate thinking that Shuichi's going to turn into the same thing Rori did. I hate being afraid that he's going to do the same thing that Rori did."

"You don't have to be afraid of that, Tatsuha. Shuichi got help sooner than Rori did; all wasn't lost for him when you brought him to me. If anything, you saved him from turning into what Rori was. You saved Shuichi from trying to kill himself again, and this time actually succeeding. Shuichi won't become Rori, please know that, Tatsuha. He's safe now."

"I…I know, I'm still afraid, though," Tatsuha mumbled. "I mean, walking into the room and seeing him…there…it was horrible. I can still picture it perfectly; I can still smell his fucking blood."

"That's understandable, Tatsuha. Suicide is a hard thing to deal with, especially when someone you loved with your life commits it, and I know that what's happened in the past few months hasn't helped to make things better. Shuichi slitting his wrists made you remember what happened with Rori, but, whether you love him or not, your brother saved him."

"I know," Tatsuha said. "It's still hard, though."

"I know, but Shuichi's gotten better. A lot better. He's talking now, that's a good thing, right? He's telling everyone how he feels and his opinions. He's not locking himself away so much anymore, and that's good."

"He still locks himself away. I don't think he knows how to talk about his emotions, so he cuts to let everyone know how he feels without having to use words," Tatsuha tried explaining, more to himself than to the doctor. "I read a quote once that said: 'How will you know I am hurting if you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my skin tells what words cannot explain.' I forget where I heard it from, but I think about it whenever I see Shuichi."

"It's a good quote, and one that Shuichi relates to very well, but there is a reason that he can't talk about his emotions. And, yes, it's a reason why many people cut, but one that can be treated by just making a person more confident in themselves," Ezra said, smiling when Tatsuha looked at him. "It's called alexithymia and it's the inability for a person to talk about or let out emotions. So when some people keep all of their feelings pent up, it's not because they want to, it's because they physically and mentally can't do it."

"So…you think Shuichi might have it?"

"I'm not sure. He's talked about a lot of things, but I don't think he's said much about his emotions. I don't like to sit there and ask my patients how everything made them feel, you should know that, Tatsuha. A lot of people get uncomfortable when asked about their problems, but can talk about them. They have no idea what it's like to not be able to yell at someone when they make you mad or cry when someone hurts you."

"But, Shuichi used to be so happy. He used to cry, like, once a day and when he wasn't crying he almost always had a smile on his face. He was too hard to resist, but, then, Eiri fucked him up and he became what he is today. I've never said this, but I miss the old Shuichi."

"I don't think you'll ever get the old Shuichi back, Tatsuha. But you'll get the new and improved Shuichi after a while. Just give it some time. The tour should help to loosen him up a bit, it'll let him get back to work and have some fun. I think he's looking forward to it, and you should be too. It'll give you some time to spend with him and try to talk."

"Maybe," Tatsuha said.

"So, do you want to talk more about Rori or do you want to cut our meeting short today?" Ezra asked.

"Would you mind if I cut it short today? Maybe…hopefully, next time I'll be able to talk about Rori. I just need to make sure Shuichi is okay first. Rori was like this before he shot himself, and I don't want to make the same mistake twice," Tatsuha mumbled.

"I understand," Ezra said and stood up. "So, next time, then?"

"Next time," Tatsuha said and shook the doctor's hand before leaving and meeting Shuichi out in the waiting room.

Shuichi was sitting there waiting patiently for him and they walked out to the car in silence, Tatsuha holding his lover's hand in a vice-like grip.

"You alright?" Shuichi finally asked as Tatsuha climbed behind the wheel.

"Yeah, talking to Ezra-san just got me thinking about some stuff, and I'm just worried. That's all," he answered and smiled a strained smile.

"If you're worried about me, then don't waste your time. I'm getting better, Tatsuha, so you don't have to worry your little ass off," Shuichi said and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "I promise."

_That's what he said,_ Tatsuha thought and shivered slightly as the words echoed around his mind.

"Okay," he said and pulled out of the parking lot, headed for the hospital so Shuichi could get his bandages checked and replaced one last time before heading off for America.

**-------------**

February 23. It was his twenty-seventh birthday and he was damned to spend it alone. God, he was getting too old. He couldn't believe that he was almost thirty, and enough to fill a person's entire lifespan had happened to him in five years. Man, he just _felt_ old.

Yuki stood up from his couch and sighed as he looked at all the boxes and bags lying on the floor of his living room. He was doing it again…running away. He knew that running away made a person weak, but if what he had done over the past two months didn't claim him as weak, he didn't know what would. Loving Shuichi was always his downfall, and always would be. That was why he had to run. He had to get away from Shuichi before he caused the raven-haired man any more pain.

He hadn't talked to Shuichi since their meeting in his hospital room and it was tearing him up inside. He wanted to make sure he was okay, that he wasn't as dead as he had acted in the hospital, and wanted to tell him that everything would be okay because he was there. But he wasn't and never would be. It would always be Tatsuha, his younger brother, until the day they both died.

He hated himself for wanting to see and talk to the broken man, but he couldn't deny his feelings. He wanted the last words he had said to Shuichi to be true, but he knew that they weren't. And that just helped to infuriate him. He wanted to let him go because loving Shuichi hadn't only destroyed the raven-haired man, but had destroyed from the inside as well.

Yuki growled and kicked the closest box to him, leaving the living room in haste to check all of his other rooms and make sure that he packed everything up. His search proved positive and Yuki returned to his living room just in time for the movers to ring his doorbell.

"Hi," he said as he answered the door, putting on his best polite face and smile. "Everything's here in the living room. You can leave the bags; I'm taking those with me."

The head-mover nodded in understanding. "Thank you, sir," he said and lead his team of workers into Yuki's apartment while Yuki retreated to his empty bedroom.

He stood in the window and looked out over the city, cursing at Shuichi for getting the good view. Shuichi's home looked out over a large lake, and he had to get the city? Oh, well. That's what he got for trusting Touma to get his home.

_Touma._ Yuki growled at the name and finally realized who was to blame for everything that had happened. It was almost as if Touma had planned it. Well, maybe he didn't plan on Shuichi trying to kill himself, but he _did_ hate the singer with a passion, so who knew? The blonde most likely just thought of it as an added bonus in his never-ending duty of fucking up his brother-in-law's life.

Making a mental note to beat the blonde man to the last threads of life, Yuki left his room to see that the movers were already gone, along with all of the boxes. The two bags lay untouched on the floor, as he had asked, and Yuki took one last long look around the empty home before picking the bags up.

He walked out the door and pulled it shut behind him, standing there for a second with his forehead lying against the door. He took a couple of deep, stabilizing breaths, trying to get the tears in his eyes to go away, before he turned and looked at the door across the hall. No one was home; he had heard them leave earlier that morning, so Yuki crossed to the door and kissed it softly before leaving his love…his life…behind him.

**-------------**

"Are you ready to go to America?" Ben yelled as he, the band, and a few extra passengers waited as patiently as they could for their manager and producer to show up at the airport.

"Hell yeah!" Shuichi yelled, resulting in a surprised look from everyone around him. "What? I can't wait! This is gonna be so awesome!"

Ben blinked a couple of times in surprise and then smiled. He hit Shuichi softly on the back and almost had to wipe a tear from his eye when he spoke. "Now that's the Shuichi I want to go on tour with!"

Shuichi grinned in an embarrassed sort of way and pushed Ben off of him. "Hey, man! Stop getting all touchy. You're gonna make me cry."

"Good, you deserve to cry after scaring the shit out of us like that!" Ben said jokingly but saw the depressed look float briefly across Shuichi's face. "Hey, I didn't mean it. But we were scared."

"I know," Shuichi sighed, "and I'm sorry. But I'm better now, I hope."

"And so do we," Ben said and looked up with a grin as he saw a familiar flash of blonde hair over the crowed. "K-san! Over here, man!"

K jogged up to where the small group of people was standing and dropped his luggage by his feet. "Good afternoon, Bad Luck and company," he said, looking from face to face just to make sure everyone was there. "I have good news!"

The group, Tatsuha and Alexis included, sighed heavily and gave each other concerned glances. Whenever K said that he had "good news", it was normally _not_ for the good of the people, but only for the good of him.

"And what is that news, K?" Shuichi asked, finally being the brave soul to find out.

K sighed and smiled heavily before continuing, almost making it sound like he had bad news. "Ryuichi Sakuma will be meeting us in America to join our happy little family!" he exclaimed, voice getting louder with every word.

"W-what?" Shuichi gawked. "Since when?"

"Since this afternoon," K said with a large smile. "He informed Touma of it at two o'clock this afternoon."

"Sweetness!" Shuichi exclaimed, remembering how much he wanted to tell Ryuichi after the brunette's visit to his hospital room. "This is so awesome!"

"Indeed," a voice from behind K said, and the blonde moved to the side to reveal a pasty-faced Sakano.

"What's the matter, Sakano-san? You look upset," Tatsuha asked reluctantly.

"Nothing, nothing, Sakuma-san is more than welcome to join us on the tour." He said the last few words in a whisper, as if he didn't even want to say them.

"LIAR!" Ben said in his best hick voice. "You don't want him to go, do ya?"

"No, no, Sakuma-san is more than welcome to join us on the tour," Sakano repeated and the band watched as the color slowly came back into his face. "As long as you can stay on task and not lose yourselves in partying and whatnot, Sakuma-san is more than welcome to join us on the tour."

"Yes!" the band and company shouted and jumped into the air.

"Thank you, Sakano!" Shuichi yelled and engulfed the man in a hug, causing the producer to stumble backwards a couple of steps.

"Not at all, Shindou," Sakano muttered and patted the man's back precariously.

Shuichi smiled and pulled away from the producer before running over to Tatsuha and engulfing him in a hug as well. "Ryuichi's coming with us, Tat! This is gonna be fun!"

Tatsuha nodded and hugged Shuichi back. He was beginning to like the sporadic returns to the old Shuichi more and more, but still had a slight edge around his lover. He couldn't stop thinking about _him_. "Yup, it's gonna be loads of fun.  
"Alright, who's ready to go to America?" K asked and led the way to the private jet Touma had bought just for the band.

The band followed and boarded the deluxe airplane, headed off for a new adventure in a somewhat new land. But for the better or worse had yet to be decided.

TBC…

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A/N: I know, this is VERY short (especially compared to my last chapter) and sorry if it sucked, but I wanted to get something out to keep y'all happy. This chapter was a bitch to write! I had writer's block from last Tuesday until Saturday! Ugh!... Okay, I'm not lying about the two week break thing this time. I have to cram for finals and it was hard enough for me to come up with what to write for Yuki's part, so I have a feeling that it's gonna be even harder for me to decide how to start chapter nine. Hopefully it won't be too hard, but I'm gonna have some time to think so hopefully it'll come easier. Hopefully…

What to you all think of happy Shuichi? Did I make him too happy too fast? Or…since you can't read my mind, I won't tell you what I'm thinking 'cause that'll give everything away. But I'm serious about what you all think of him. I like the happy Shuichi, but I like the angsty Shuichi, as well. It's the same with Ryu. Ugh! I'll decide later…  
Thanks to **Cassie+Cats, Guren, CassiToTheStars, Sammy -.-zzz, clueless97, Darkness Flames, Misa-chan, YunaFromBesaid, Kitty in the Box, subzero13, tangerine-asuke, KageKitsune16, **and **GravityNeko** for reviewing. I got sooo many reviews for this chapter and they all made me very happy! Please, keep reviewing and ideas are ALWAYS appreciated. Maybe they'll even help me write, and not make it take three weeks 'til I can get another chapter out…

Oh yeah! Look for another new fic by me! It's called "You Still Have All of Me", but I'm not gonna give away what it's about. Yeah, it to "My Immortal" by Evanescence but it's not the whole "Shuichi dies, Yuki reminiscences" type thing that everyone else writes about. What I wrote about is what I think of whenever I link _Gravitation_ and "My Immortal". Yeah, you know it's sad when you unconsciously related an anime to a song perfectly, huh? Oh well, I posted it right after I posted this chapter so it should be up by now. I hope you all review it and like it 'cause it's what kept me sane enough to write this chapter…

Okay, ja 'til chapter nine!


	9. JRock Stars in America

Welp, here it is. Chapter nine. I hope it's easier for me to write than the bitch of a last chapter. I think I was teetering on the brink of going insane, but I got it out in time. The last part was easier to write than the others, so I'm hoping that that's a good sign for starting this chapter…

Okay…there are a few reviews that I have to answer now. Not many, but a few…

**KageKitsune16, delia,** and **Ninja No Shi:** Rori, Rori, who is Rori? Hm…welp, no he wasn't in the manga, Ninja-chan, so you didn't miss anything…He's a character completely from my imagination…He had a very big role in Tatsuha's past, very big...and that's all I'm gonna say 'cause _I_ don't even have him figured out yet…More info on him will probably be given randomly throughout chapters and I'm planning on having a chapter mostly devoted to he and Tatsuha's relationship soon so keep looking…

**Sammy-.-zzz:** Surprisingly enough…I love the Yuki/Shu pairing. I know…weird considering how much pain I'm putting them through. All of my other fics have the Yuki/Shu pairing and this one is just an exception to it. I thought the Tat/Shu pairing was kinda different and had no idea what I was getting myself into when I first started this…It's been a blast, though…

Welp, that's all so I guess I should go and get my booty writing. See ya at the end…

**Disclaimer:** I think that the writer's block killed my brain gnomes, so until I can hire more I'm on my own. Let's see…I don't own _Gravitation_, if anything it owns me. If I did own it, though, I really don't think I'd be writing this. Maybe that's the reason why I don't own it…just so I can be obsessive and write this horribly depressing fic about Shuichi and Yuki and all of the hell that always seems to break loose around them. _sigh_ "Lies" and "Missing" don't belong to me, either. It belongs to the rock goddess named Amy Lee _drools_… And neither does "Wounded"…that would belong to Good Charlotte. And "Dead Skin" would belong to Crossfade

**J-Rock Stars in America…**

Shuichi looked across the stage at the beautiful raven-haired woman that entered from the left, a soft chorus reverberating from her lips as she hummed in time with the synthesizers. Amy Lee, the rock goddess of all rock goddesses. The band kicked in at full blast, turning what sounded to be a slow song into full-blown metal, and Amy's eyes snapped open. She flashed a small smile at Shuichi, giving him the courage to do his part, and he started.

_Bound at every limb in my shackles of fear_

_Sealed with lies through so many tears_

_Lost from within, pursuing the end_

_I fight for the chance to be lied to again_

Amy's voice melted into Shuichi's and the raven-haired man forgot about being on stage in front of millions of people. It was only him and her, singing backstage like they had practiced.

_You will never be strong enough_

_You will never be good enough_

_You were never conceived in love_

_You will not rise above_

_They'll never see_

_I'll never be_

_I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger_

_Burning deep inside of me_

Amy stepped back with another smile, singing lyrics randomly as Shuichi belted the verse out. Shuichi threw glances over his shoulder and saw that Hiro was in heaven playing with the other guitarists (he had chosen not to play at any of their concerts since they were touring with Evanescence) and Ben and Suguru were in their usual "I love my job" moods while they played.

_But through my tears breaks a blinding light_

_Birthing a dawn to this endless night_

_Arms outstretched, awaiting me_

_An open embrace upon a bleeding tree_

Amy was back full force, and Shuichi fell back onto the stage to dance around and enjoy himself for the first time in ages.

_Rest in me and I'll comfort you_

_I have lived and I've died for you_

_Abide in me and I vow to you_

_I will never forsake you_

_They'll never see_

_I'll never be_

_I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger_

_Burning deep inside of me_

As Amy hummed in the background, twirling across the stage, Shuichi screamed into the microphone. He was having so much fun and didn't want it to end, even though he knew that it was almost over.

_Rest in me, I'll comfort you_

_I have lived and died for you_

_Abide in me and I vow to you_

_I will never forsake you_

_They'll never see_

_I'll never be_

_I'll struggle on and one to feed this hunger_

_Burning deep inside of me_

Amy hummed her part out with the synthesizers and Shuichi couldn't help but smile as the crowd erupted in cheers when the song was complete.

"Thank you!" Shuichi yelled and took a bow.

"I love you guys!" Amy said and bowed as well, following Shuichi and the rest of the band off the stage.

They all stood in silence for a while and then laughed as Ryuichi glomped Shuichi in huge hug.

"That was awesome, Shuichi! So awesome!" Ryuichi yelled and was pried away from the suffocating man by Hiro and Tatsuha. "Sorry, but it was so cool."

"Thanks, Ryu," Shuichi said, grinning in embarrassment and giving Amy a small hug before she went back to her bus. "But true. I mean, was that a kick ass way to start a tour or what?"

"Kick ass!" Ben yelled and the band laughed. "Now, who wants to go celebrate?"

"Us possibly," everyone said in unison as they headed for the back exit and their bus, stopped by a somewhat amused but angry voice.

"And where do you think you're going?" K asked as he stepped out of the shadows.

"To celebrate," Ben said with a grin.

"There's no time for celebrating. We have to get on the bus and head off toward our next destination. Vegas, isn't it?" K said, blocking the exit with this body.

The group sighed in defeat, but followed their manager obligingly enough. As much as they would love to go out and celebrate, they wanted to make it to Las Vegas on time, too.

As they boarded the bus, Shuichi suddenly found himself tired and he checked his watch. It was midnight, not surprising by how late their concert had started, and all of the energy he had had on stage was now out the door. He yawned and was surprised to hear several other yawns come after his, almost like a chain reaction.

"Man, I'm exhausted," Hiro said and plopped down on his bunk.

"Tell me about it," Shuichi said and sprawled out on the bunk he shared with Tatsuha. "My body's shot."

"Me three," Ben said and laughed as everyone looked at him. "Hey, my energy hadn't faded until K had to come out with this whoopty-shit attitude and ruin our celebrating."

Shuichi snorted and rolled over onto his side, feeling Tatsuha climb into bed next to him. He closed his eyes and smiled when Tatsuha lifted the blanket up around them both. Tatsuha's arm snaked its way over Shuichi's side and his hand found refuge in Shuichi's.

"You alright?" Tatsuha whispered, worrying about how exhausted Shuichi had looked.

"Yup, and everyone was having too much fun to notice the bandages," Shuichi whispered back. "Either that or they thought they were wristbands."

"That's good. At least there won't be any unexplained questions in the fans minds," Tatsuha mumbled. Shuichi could already hear Tatsuha's voice slurring as sleep started to take him over, so he rolled over to face Tatsuha and kissed him softly.

"Aishiteru, Tatsuha," he said and laid his forehead against Tatsuha's.

"I know," Tatsuha said with chuckle, his breath playing with Shuichi's bangs. "You want me to help you with your hair tomorrow?"

"If you want," Shuichi said, thinking of the red hair dye he had bought before leaving for America.

"Only for you," Tatsuha said and sleep took him over, his soft breaths tickling Shuichi's face.

Shuichi smiled and kissed Tatsuha's face, thankful for Ben as the man turned the lights off and climbed into bed with Alexis. Sleep overtook his senses a few minutes later and he fell into a deep, dreamless sleep for the first time in months.

**-------------**

When Ryuichi woke up the next morning, the two buses (his and Bad Luck's) were stopped at a rest area that wasn't far from Las Vegas. The sun was shining brightly through the slatted shades, and he took a few minutes to let his eyes adjust before climbing out of his bunk.

He stretched and checked the other beds, seeing that K and Sakano (the world's worst roomies) were already up and gone.

_Must be inside,_ he thought and went to the bathroom to make himself presentable before pulling on a hoodie to hide his now scrawny figure.

Shuichi, Tatsuha, and Ben were all sitting outside Bad Luck's bus and he smiled when Shuichi waved at him. He waved back and ran over to the three men, grinning from ear to ear.

"Morning, sleepy head," Shuichi said with a smile and stood up from the retractable stairs.

"Morning," Ryuichi said and smiled back, although not as happy as Shuichi's had been.

"What something to eat?" Shuichi asked and lead the way into the bus. "We've got cereal. It's not much, but it's more than nothing."

"No thanks, I'm not hungry," Ryuichi said, looking away from Shuichi as the raven-haired man looked at him in concern.

"Alright," Shuichi mumbled and Ryuichi was glad that he wasn't going to try and force food down his throat.

Ryuichi followed Shuichi, Ben, and Tatsuha into their bus and sat down with them at their dinette. "Have any of you been to Vegas before?"

"It's where we found Ben," Shuichi said, "and I came here with Eiri once."

"Nice, did you gamble any then?"

"No, I wasn't allowed to touch the money," Shuichi replied with a dry laugh. "Maybe I'll do a little now, though. It looks like fun."

"It is fun; you just have to know when you stop yourself. I know! We all need to find a table and play blackjack together. That'd be so much fun."

"Deal," Shuichi said and looked to the door as Hiro, Alexis, Suguru, K, and Sakano entered the bus with food and drinks.

"Good morning, everyone," K said and discarded his purchases on the table. "We are twenty miles from our destination. I think it'll take half an hour to an hour to get there, depending on traffic."

"Sweet!" Ben yawned. "Will there be any time for fun?"

"You'll be set free until two hours before the concert. At seven o'clock you all will be expected to meet at the concert hall to get ready," Sakano explained. "If you're late, you will suffer the consequences."

"No worries, Sakano-san," Suguru said, "but if we plan on getting there at al I think it's time we leave."

"Oh, right!" K exclaimed and ran out the door to the other bus.

"I'm riding with Shuichi," Ryuichi called as Sakano ran off the bus and closed the door.

A few minutes later, the buses pulled out, and Shuichi and Tatsuha retreated to the bathroom to dye Shuichi's hair. Ryuichi followed and watched as Tatsuha helped Shuichi comb in the bright crimson hair dye. The smell was horrible and they were all a little loopy by the time they left the back of the bus, but Ryuichi had a feeling that Shuichi's hair was gonna look good. It was close to his old color, and, even though they were just highlights, he hoped that some of the old Shuichi would come back as well.

There wasn't much more excitement in the forty-five minutes it took to get to the concert hall, just Shuichi washing out the hair dye in a hurry after accidentally leaving it one for thirty-five minutes instead of twenty-five. A few minutes after pulling into the parking lot, everyone unloaded and saw that Amy and crew were already there. They talked to them for a while before they went their separate ways until the concert.

Ryuichi watched Shuichi as they all started trekking down the streets of Vegas. He couldn't help but notice a sort of dark shadow that lingered in the back of the man's eyes, just waiting for the chance to pounce forward and take him away from them again. And, judging from the glances the raven-haired man kept throwing at Shuichi, he thought that Tatsuha saw it too. Ryuichi couldn't put his finger on it what it was, but he knew that what had happened over the past few months had torn Tatsuha up more than the rest of them. Not just from the fact that he was Shuichi's lover, but from something that had happened in his past…

Ryuichi's thoughts cut off as they walked into their first casino, Caesar's. It was so beautiful, but he didn't get much time to sightsee, as he was pulled toward the nearest, empty blackjack table by Ben.

"This was your idea, Ryu, so don't say anything," the American man said as the seven of them sat down at the table (K and Sakano had stayed at the concert hall).

"Wasn't thinking about it," Ryuichi said and smiled half-heartedly. "I hope you all know how to play."

Everyone nodded and the dealer started the first of three hours of games. They all lost more than they had won, but they fun all the while. Somewhere in the group, a stomach growled, and then another, and then another. Ryuichi burst out in laughter as they finished up their last hand and checked his watch.

"It's five, guys. Should we start heading back?" he asked.

"Nah, we've still got time to eat," Hiro said, "and there's a really good buffet somewhere around here."

"Well then, what are we waiting for?" Ben asked and stood up; leading the way out of the casino after everyone tipped the dealer.

Ryuichi followed at a crawl, hoping that maybe he could get lost in the crowd and go back to the bus instead of going with the group, but Shuichi soon noticed that he was gone and slowed to walk with him.

"Are you okay, Ryuichi?" he asked, a frown of concern across his face.

"Yeah, I'm fine," Ryuichi lied. "Why?"

Shuichi sighed and took the time to go over things in his head before speaking them aloud. "Because you're skinny. No, you're not just skinny; you're a twig, Ryu. Have you been eating right? And don't lie to me because I know that you never used to be this thin."

"I'm fine, Shuichi. I've just been sick lately and haven't had much of an appetite, 's all," he said absentmindedly.

"Don't lie to me, Ryuichi!" Shuichi yelled, sounding as if he were on the brink of tears. "Tatsuha's been lying to me for the past week, so, please, don't lie to me, too."

Ryuichi stopped and stood for a second, surprised at how desperate Shuichi's voice sounded. So he had been right, something was bothering Tatsuha, but why would he lie to Shuichi about it? He could tell that Shuichi was scared, more so than he had been a month ago, and Tatsuha burying himself away from him wasn't making him feel any better.

"No, I haven't been eating right," he said as they started to walk again, "but it's just because of the new medicine the doctor put me on. It's an anti-depressant thing but it takes away my appetite." Another lie, but at least it had a little bit of truth in it.

"Are you sure?" Shuichi asked, eyes narrowed slightly in suspicion.

"I'm positive," he said and even gave a good fake smile to show it. "Now, let's go catch up with the others so we won't have to eat alone."

He ran off, mostly to avoid more questions from Shuichi than anything, and they caught up with the group a few minutes later outside of a small restaurant.

"Where have you been?" Ben asked.

"Talking," Ryuichi said and followed him into the restaurant.

They ate, they talked, they joked. It was the first time that Ryuichi had eaten in forever and it made him sick to his stomach. After making sure that everyone was occupied enough so they wouldn't notice if he was gone, he got up from the table and went to the bathroom. He went into a stall and purged himself, not hearing the door open as someone else answered or the sigh as the person left again. A few minutes later he left and returned to the table without anyone noticing that he had been gone.

Now that the food was out of his system, Ryuichi felt better and was ready to go to the record store when Ben suggested it. They paid their bills and left in a hurry. Everyone was getting edgy as the excitement started to build as the few hours until the concert ticked by slowly

**-------------**

He had known that Ryuichi was lying when he said that it was his medicine that was making him not eat. Shuichi knew that the man had gone to the bathroom when he thought that no one was looking and had followed to see what he was doing. He heard the noises as Ryuichi retched into the ceramic bowl and left the man in peace. He hated how it seemed like everyone around him was lying to him, but told himself that it must be for the good of him if they weren't telling him anything. He didn't want to be paranoid, not now, now when he was having fun on the tour.

He went without a question as Ben led them all to the record store and stood by himself as everyone spread out and looked for a new CD and whatnot. He looked at some of the rock CDs, surprised by how many new artists had debuted since his last trip to America, but figured that he had enough CDs to last for a while.

"Hey, Shu-chan!" Ben called from across the store. "Come and hear this song! It's sweet."

Shuichi sighed, but went over to him nonetheless. The song ended up being "Wounded" from a band he had never heard of before…Good Charlotte. Ben gave him the headphones and the sample started towards the end of the song…

_Help me fill this soul_

_even though this is not your fault_

_that I'm open_

_that I'm bleeding_

_all over your brand new rug_

_And I need someone to help me_

_so you come along_

_I push you away_

_Then kick and scream for you to stay_

'_cause I need someone to help me_

_Oh, I need someone to help me_

_to help me heal these wounds_

_They've been open for way too long_

_I need someone to help me sew them_

_I need someone to help me fill them_

_I need someone to help me close them up_

The song was…he couldn't even put a name on it. Beautiful was a word normally reserved for cheesy love ballads and opera songs, but the song was beautiful. But in a morbid sort of way as everything he thought to be beautiful normally was. He loved the tone and mostly loved the lyrics. It was so sad and it was uncanny to him at how closely he could almost relate to it.

He pulled the headphones off and saw that Ben was grinning at him from ear to ear.

"So?" he asked, still smiling his dorky smile.

"It's…great. I love it. I think I'm gonna have to get their CD," Shuichi said and was immediately handed a copy of _Chronicles of Life and Death_.

"It's a really good CD. I have it but left it in Japan. I hope you like it as much as I do," Ben said and threw a glance at his watch. "Oh shit, dude. It's six-thirty. We gotta hurry if we wanna make it back in half an hour."

Shuichi laughed and helped Ben to round up the rest of the group before paying for his CD and running out the door with everyone. They ran throughout the streets of Vegas, getting lost a couple of times, but made it back to the buses with only seconds to spare. Hiro led the way into Bad Luck's bus, throwing up the door and charging in, gasping for breath.

"Where have you all been? You look like you just ran a marathon," K said with a laugh.

"I think…we just…did," Tatsuha said between large gasps.

"It…sure as hell…feels like it," Shuichi said, clutching at a cramp in his side.

They all collapsed into seats and K gave them enough time to catch their breaths before rushing them all out of the bus and into the parking lot.

"We play before Evanescence," he said, "and then end the show with 'Lies' again. You all can plan what you want to do; I'm going to make sure set up's going as planned." And then he left, Sakano following closely behind.

"He's actually gonna let us plan what _we_ wanna do?" Ben gaped. "I think K's sick, guys! And I haven't seen him wave a gun since we got here."

"No, he's not sick," Hiro said, "he just listened to us for once."

"My point exactly," Ben said. "_He's_ listening to _us_ and he's not compulsively hounding our asses."

"Hey stop complainin'!" Shuichi said. "It's a nice change, so don't jinx it and make him change his mind."

Ben grinned and nodded. "I know. I just gotta get used to it."

Shuichi laughed and lead the way back onto the bus. The last hour was passing quickly and they still needed to plan out their songs and order. Shuichi, Hiro, Ben, and Suguru took seats at the dinette (Tatsuha, Alexis, and Ryuichi sitting on the couch across from them) and scribbled notes down on a notepad while they bounced ideas off of each other. Once Shuichi decided which song was going to open the concert, it went easily enough from there and they soon had a page full of songs.

An hour later, half an hour until the show was due to start, K returned and chased the band members out of the bus and inside to their dressing rooms. The four men were swarmed by make-up artists and clothes were shoved into their arms as time seemed to speed up. After they were done, they were shoved out of their dressing rooms with fifteen minutes left to spare.

Tension was running high as they stood around, talking with Amy and crew or fans that had won backstage passes through the local radio station. It was dull, considering the amount of excitement that was ahead, but soon they were finally rushed onto the black stage.

The fans were talking quietly amongst themselves, but their whispers immediately turned to screams as Hiro started the song with guitar, Ben and Suguru picking up a later. Shuichi closed his eyes and waited patiently for his cue to start, letting the lyrics flow flawlessly from his lips when it came.

_So I'm the king of all these things of this mess I have made_

_Such a waste, what a shame, my whole life is a waste_

_Well I'm a bore and I'm sure I'm a thorn inside of you that has torn at you for years_

_The alcohol and Demerol these things never could replace_

_What a minute with you could do to put a smile on my face_

_I'm a bore and I'm sure I'm a thorn inside of you that has torn at me for years_

The lights flashed on, exposing the band to the crowd, and the speed of the music began to pick up. Shuichi's eyes flew open and he was almost overwhelmed by the size of the crowd he was now singing in front of. Most of them were probably there for Evanescence, but he didn't care. They were still listening to Bad Luck.

_I can't get out of this dead skin, I can't shed my skin_

_I'm not sure where to begin, why can't I begin again_

_I can't under my dead skin, I can't shed my skin_

_Can I sleep 'til then_

_Phenobarbital and alcohol, these two surely will do_

_To knock me out, keep me down, for at least a day or two_

_When I'm awake I can taste how bitter I've become_

_and it's more than I can bear, somedays I pray someone will blow me away_

_Make it quick, but let it burn so I can feel my life fade_

_Well I'm a waste and I can taste how bitter I've become_

_and it's more than I can bear_

_I can't get out of this dead skin, I can't shed my skin_

_I'm not sure where to begin, why can't I begin again_

_I can't under my dead skin, I can't shed my skin_

_Can I sleep 'til then_

Now was the sort of climax of the song, the music died down for a minute and Shuichi screamed "I can't shed my skin" into the microphone. Hiro came forward with his guitar riff and Ben played along perfectly in the background, Suguru embellishing the guitars to make up for Shuichi not playing.

_I can't get out of this dead skin, I can't shed my skin_

_I'm not sure where to begin, why can't I begin again_

_I can't under my dead skin, I can't shed my skin_

_Can I sleep 'til then_

The song ended and the crowd went wild.

"Thank you!" Shuichi said into the microphone and the band picked up on the next song (their song "Let Go").

They played out the rest of their time and took bows before rushing off the stage so the stage crews could do a quick instrument switch out. He gave Amy and encouraging smile was she rushed past him and onto the stage with the rest of the band and watched from the side of the stage as the put on their show.

Tatsuha came up beside him and elbowed him in the side, flashing him a smile when he looked at him.

"What's up?" he asked, wrapping an arm around Shuichi's waist.

"Nothing much, just trying not to drool in front of my boyfriend while a hot woman rocks out on stage," he said jokingly, laughing at the look on Tatsuha's face. "I'm just kidding. Well, she is hot, but about the drool."

Tatsuha laughed and kissed the top of Shuichi's head. "Hair looks good."

"Thanks," Shuichi said, running a hand through his now crimson highlighted raven locks. "I like it."

"Yeah, it's got a sort of symbolism to it," Tatsuha said, smiling at the questioning look on his boyfriend's face. "Okay, I'll explain it to you. You're sort of starting to act like your old self again, but you're not quite the same…the red instead of pink. You've been through a lot and a lot has been carved into your life these past few months, and, yes, I meant the pun. That's the streaks. The cuts…the lacerations."

"You've got too much time on your hands, koi," Shuichi laughed and turned his attention back to the woman singing on the stage.

_Please, please forgive me_

_but I won't be home again_

_Maybe someday you'll look up_

_and barely consciously you'll say to no one_

_Isn't something missing?_

_You won't cry for my absence I know_

_You forgot me long ago_

_Am I that unimportant?_

_Am I so insignificant?_

_Isn't someone missing me?_

Shuichi stood and watched, now open mouthed, as the raven-haired goddess belted out the lyrics. It was the second song that day that he had heard that pulled pain from deep within his heart. Old memories came forward of leaving Yuki's, only to return again the next day. Why had he ever returned? Why did he go back when he always knew, somewhere in his heart, that he was going to be torn in two again?

_Even though I'm the sacrifice_

_You won't try for me, not now_

_Though I'd die to know you love me_

_I'm all alone-_

_Isn't someone missing me?_

_Please, please forgive me_

_but I won't be home again_

_I know what you do to yourself_

_I breathe deep and cry out-_

_Isn't something missing?_

He turned and collapsed into Tatsuha's embrace, sobbing into his lover's shoulder. Tatsuha was surprised at first, but then realized what the tears were from and wrapped his arms tightly around Shuichi. There was some sort of truth hidden in the words, but was it actually the truth? If only Shuichi believed that what had happened over the past months was true, it might not be.

_Even though I'm the sacrifice_

_you won't try for me, not now_

_Though I'd die to know you love me_

_I'm all alone-_

_Isn't someone missing me?_

The song ended, Amy playing out on the piano and Tatsuha pulled Shuichi from the edge of the stage. Evanescence's time wasn't up yet, but he didn't want Amy to see the other lead singer and wonder what was wrong. He sat him down in a chair and pulled him even closer. The sobs had stopped, but the tears were still falling.

Ryuichi saw what was happening and ran over to their side. "Is he okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, the song got to him," Tatsuha muttered and nodded toward the stage. "'Missing'."

The name was enough and Ryuichi nodded in response. The song had gotten to Shuichi when Yuki had first left him, and he hadn't listened to it since. He always skipped that song if he listened to it on his CD player; he had even made a copy of the CD without the song even on it, just to get away from those memories. With everything that had happened in the past few months, Ryuichi didn't know if there was a worse song for him to hear than that one.

Shuichi pulled back from Tatsuha, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, and smiled halfheartedly. "Sorry about that," he said with the smile. "I don't know what got into me."

"Yeah," Tatsuha mumbled, concern shining in his eyes.

Ryuichi looked into Shuichi's amethyst eyes and saw that the shadow he had seen earlier had moved closer to the surface. He cursed inwardly at himself for not doing what he had joined Shuichi and crew for, but knew that he still had a chance. The shadow wasn't back, not completely, there was still a chance that they could still save Shuichi before he was gone again.

"It's almost time for your encore," Ryuichi said. "Why don't you go out and jam in style like you did last night?"

Shuichi smiled and nodded, dumping his bottle of water over his head. "I will," he said and returned to the side of the stage just as Amy ran back to get him.

"You okay?" she asked. So she had seen him?

"Fine," Shuichi smiled and followed Amy as she led the way back on stage.

They sang "Lies" together and left the stage after taking their bows, returning back to their busses for the long trip to their next city.

"Are ya gonna make it through your next concert?" Tatsuha mumbled in Shuichi's ear as they lay in bed together.

"I'm gonna have to, I've still got twenty-eight left," Shuichi laughed and fell into a deep sleep plagued with old memories.

TBC…

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A/N: Whoa, I got this baby done quick…and it's not that short. I know, I know…screw the finals break because finals still aren't until next week. I had tons of free periods this week and I got to spend them working on this, so I got it out super fast. WHOO-HOO! Yeah, so maybe the songs helped to take up some of the length of this chapter, but the writer's block was gone for the entire length of this one. DOUBLE WHOO-HOO! I was actually able to think coherently all week for the first time in forever, a great improvement compared to stressing out…

I dunno what you all think about "Missing" and its relations to Shuichi and Yuki relationship. I think that it relates to it a lot of ways, but doesn't relate to it in others. I dunno…there are other Evanescence songs that I think relate to Shuichi and Yuki's relationship but those are the happier ones, and they don't really share much of a happy relationship in this fic. I also think that "Dead Skin" kinda relates as well, but more in a Yuki to Shuichi kind of way…

Welp…thanks much to: **Lenora-chan, Guren, KageKitsune16, Sammy -.-zzz, subzero13, Ninja No Shi, GravityNeko, Kitty in the Box, delia, clueless97, sakurya, **and** CassiToTheStars **for reviewing chapter eight. I'm glad that you all liked that chapter 'cause I was kinda worried because I really didn't like it… Oh well, different strokes for different folks, I guess. Does that even make sense? I dunno… Thanks to **Guren, Kitty in the Box, **and **mariklover12** for reviewing "You Still Have All of Me." I'm glad that you liked it so much Kitty-chan…_glomps_…

Welp…until chapter ten…ja!


	10. Sing the Sorrow

Christmas time is here, love is everywhere…do do do, do do do do…yeah I dunno all the words to the song, but oh well. Don't you just love Charlie Brown? I'm sorry that this chapter took so long for me to get out, but finals, writer's block, and fights took a major toll on my mind these past couple of weeks. Finals weren't all that bad but I still felt like throwing myself out the trig class's window while taking that one. Good thing I didn't though, huh?...

Welp, that's it…I'll see ya at the end…

**Disclaimer: **_Gravitation_'s not mine and "Suffering" belongs to Soil. "Forgive Me" belongs to Evvy, and "Wounded", as I've said before, belongs to Good Charlotte…

**Sing the Sorrow…**

It was Bad Luck's last concert before returning to America. Shuichi was on the stage, belting out the last song as if his life depended on it, which it probably did because K had decided to start waving his guns around again. The lyrics to "Suffering" poured flawlessly out of his mouth, mixing with the metallic beat of the music.

_Well did you notice_

_What's wrong with me_

_No I can't even breathe_

_When my head's low_

_It's not with shame_

_It's from this pain you bring_

_Well I can feel it again_

_This loss is slowly crushing me_

_Through all this pain and suffering_

_I need you back in my arms_

_After all this pain and suffering_

_I want you back in my arms_

Shuichi gazed into the crowd, losing himself in the vast size. So many people had come to each and every one of the concerts they had held. So many more than he thought would show if they knew the truth… He closed his eyes and gripped the microphone with both hands. He was where he belonged, on the stage in front of millions of people.

_Do you like my frown_

_I had a smile once_

_You turned it upside down_

_Make amends with me_

_No I can't even see_

_The reason behind your needs_

_Well I can feel it again_

_This loss is slowly crushing me_

_Through all this pain and suffering_

_I need you back in my arms_

_After all this pain and suffering_

_I want you back in my arms_

Over the screams of the crowd, Shuichi could hear Tatsuha off stage, screaming his lungs out for the band. The sort of musical highness that always came with performing live finally started to overcome Shuichi's senses. As soon as it had come, however, the highness disappeared and nausea began to take over. Shuichi opened his eyes and saw the crowd blur and waver in his field of vision, but he wasn't going to give up. It was their last concert, their last song; he wasn't going to have a bad ending now.

_All your words hollow me with pain and sorrow_

_Scarring me for all to see_

_This pain and sorrow_

_This loss is slowly crushing me_

_I want you back in my arms_

_Make it stop _

_I want you back in my arms_

_This loss is slowly crushing me_

_I want you back in my arms again_

_Through all this pain and suffering_

_I need you back in my arms_

_After all this pain and suffering_

_I want you back in my arms_

Tatsuha saw it coming; Shuichi knew he had when he heard the man call out for him over the crowd. Shuichi slowly fell to the ground, the last lyrics of the song slurring past his lips as he collapsed. The music cut short and Tatsuha and Ryuichi ran out onto the stage. Shuichi, barely hanging onto consciousness, cracked an eye as he was lifted off the stage and carried off to the bus.

_You just had to do it didn't you, Shuichi?_ his conscience mocked. _Poor weak little Shu-chan, can't even hold a month long tour without passing out._

_I thought you said that I wasn't weak anymore,_ he thought.

_You're not dead, are you?_

_But you said-_

_What _I_ said was that you wouldn't be weak if you went through with it. You're still alive; therefore, you didn't go through with it. Just another reason to hate Eiri, now isn't it, Shu-chan? You poor weak little psychotic bastard. _The laughter of his conscience echoed throughout his mind as his last thread of consciousness faded away.

Tatsuha and Hiro carried Shuichi's limp form out of the concert hall and onto the bus, laying him out on his bunk. Ryuichi, Alexis, and Ben joined them a few minutes later; Ben telling them not to worry and that K was taking care of answering as many of the crowds questions as possible. The four of them took seats in the living room type area of the bus to wait for the manager, producer, and keyboardist to return.

First Suguru boarded the bus, claiming not to have heard any of K's comments because of answering Amy's questions. Amy came a few minutes later to make sure that Shuichi was okay and thank everyone for touring with her and the rest of Evanescence before returning to the concert hall. K and Sakano were the next to board. Tatsuha immediately bombarded K with questions, but the manager told him that it would be best to wait for answers once Shuichi was awake. Tatsuha, worried and ruffled, stomped off and disappeared beneath the privacy curtain of he and Shuichi's bunk.

"Do you have any idea what happened, K?" Hiro asked once he was sure that Tatsuha was asleep and not going to hear anything.

"It seems to me like he passed out for no apparent reason at all. He's been eating right and getting enough rest, so I don't know what else could have gotten to him," the manager replied.

"Maybe the past few months are just catching up with him," Ryuichi mumbled. "Maybe they'll start catching up with us soon, too."

"Maybe," Hiro said and sighed. "What did you happen to tell the crowd, K?"

"I told them what I saw. I said that he collapsed from unknown reasons. Isn't that the same thing you saw?" K replied.

"Yes, but they'll be expecting him to be rushed to the hospital and a full report of it to be on the news while they drink their coffee in the morning. What are we going to do?" Ben asked.

"What do you expect us to do, Ben? I don't see any reason to take him to the hospital, he just fainted," Sakano said. "We can see if he needs medical attention when he wakes up."

Ryuichi, Ben, Hiro, and Suguru sighed in agreement. Waiting blindly for the worst, they seemed to have been doing that a lot lately.

"Now, why doesn't everyone get some rest? The concert is over, and you all need your sleep," K said and headed for the door. "Come on Ryuichi. Sakano."

"I'm sleeping here," Ryuichi said as K opened the door. "I'm not leaving Shuichi. And I don't need a bed; I can sleep on the couch."

K nodded and left without a word, followed closely by Sakano. The door closed behind them and the heavy cloud of worry seemed to come back over the group, this time increased two-fold.

"Well, let's not dishonor the man's word," Hiro said and stood up. "Shuichi will still be here in the morning and we don't have to leave until tomorrow night."

The rest agreed silently and everyone climbed into bed, Ryuichi curling up under a comforter on the couch.

**-------------**

Shuichi awoke with a start, enveloping darkness filling his vision.

_Where am I?_ he thought, blinking a few times to let his eyes adjust to the darkness. _Am I on the bus?_

A small mumble arose from beside him, and Shuichi's eyes finally adjusted just enough for him to see a sleeping Tatsuha lying next to him. A distraught look crossed Tatsuha's face and Shuichi reached out to brush a few stray locks of hair away from his face. An arm thrown over his side tightened slightly and Tatsuha sighed loudly.

Shuichi kissed Tatsuha's cheek lightly and Tatsuha mumbled again, opening his eyes slightly.

"You're awake?" he mumbled, voice slurred with sleep.

"Nope, I've come to you while you're in your deepest depths of unconsciousness," Shuichi joked, kissing him again.

"Oh," Tatsuha mumbled and closed his eyes, resulting in a small poke in the ribs from Shuichi.

"I was only joking you dummy," Shuichi whispered.

"Oh." The haziness left behind by sleep was starting to clear out of Tatsuha's eyes and it was replaced by concern. "Are you okay?" he asked, cupping Shuichi's face in his hand.

"I guess. What happened? Was it something bad?"

Tatsuha laughed and kissed Shuichi's lips softly. "You passed out while on stage," he said, "and knew it was coming but didn't do anything to stop it." The last few words came out harsher than Tatsuha had initially intended, but he didn't care. Shuichi deserved it after making them all worry like that.

"How could I know that it was coming? Do you think I set a timer in my body to tell it when to shut down for the night?" Shuichi joked, trying to lighten the mood a bit, but got a death glare from Tatsuha. "Alright, alright, what did you expect me to do? Run off stage without finishing the song? It was the last song of our last concert Tatsuha, and I was going to try my best not to ruin it."

"I didn't want you to run off stage and quit early, but you could have at least gotten a drink or something before you went back on stage for your encore. You were exhausted, I could see it, but you didn't do anything about it. You wouldn't even sit and rest while you had the time," Tatsuha said in an angry whisper. To their knowledge, the rest of the group was still sleeping and didn't need to be woken up by their argument.

"I know, it was a dumb mistake, but I know to rest now. Okay? I'm sorry, but you know how bullheaded I can be sometimes. I didn't want to waste time I could spend getting warmed up sitting down and relaxing. I had other things to do."

Tatsuha laughed and snuggled up to his lover's side. "Let's go back to sleep," he mumbled. "We got a while until we have awake."

Shuichi sighed and jumped as he saw something move over Tatsuha's shoulder. Tatsuha saw him jump and quickly looked behind him, uttering a small yelp when he saw two small, beady black eyes looking up at him. Once he caught his breath and realized that the eyes were also embedded in small pink head with rabbit ears, Tatsuha pulled the curtain back slightly to now see two blue orbs looking at him in embarrassment and concern.

"Ryuichi?" Tatsuha asked, his eyes still adjusting to the moon light.

The head nodded and Shuichi clicked on the dim overhead light of their bunk without warning. Tatsuha's pupils dilated and he squeezed his eyes shut against the oncoming headache. Shuichi smiled innocently at Ryuichi and laughed when Tatsuha threw him a disgusted glance.

"Sorry, Tat, I thought you'd want to see," he said innocently.

Tatsuha rolled his eyes and sat up, pulling his legs up to his chest, so Ryuichi could sit at the end of their bunk. Ryuichi smiled and crawled carefully onto the bed, being careful not to hit the bunk above them and wake Hiro. The brunette's smile faded once he got situated, though, and he threw Shuichi a disgruntled glare.

"You moron! Why didn't you rest? Did you think it would be funny for you to pass out and make us worry our asses off?" he asked in an almost angry whisper. "It wasn't, if that was your plan."

"No, Ryu," Shuichi said with a smile. "You're acting like I passed out on purpose."

Ryuichi stared at him, mouth opening and closing as he tried to think of something to say. Finally, he gave up and sighed, giving Shuichi another disgruntled glare.

The bed above them shifted slightly and a mop of auburn hair appeared in the opening Tatsuha had left.

"Sorry, Hiro," Tatsuha muttered and gave the other two an angry look, "they couldn't stop fighting."

Hiro let the apology slide and his eyes looked over Tatsuha's shoulder at the raven-haired man who was frowning indignantly at his lover. A smile crossed Hiro's features and he did a graceful flip off his bunk and onto the floor before climbing onto the others bunk beside Ryuichi.

"Nice to see you're awake," he said with a smile but then hit Shuichi gently on the forehead. "Now don't do that again."

"Why's everyone acting like it was my fault?" Shuichi asked with an innocent frown.

"Because you knew it was coming and didn't do anything about it," another voice said and they all turned to see Ben grinning at them from ear to ear. "Hola, Shu-chan."

"Hey, Ben," Shuichi mumbled and looked down at the blanket.

"Hey now, don't go and get all depressed on us. It wasn't your fault, so what if you knew it was coming. You didn't know _when_ it was coming," Ben said in an attempt to lighten the mood.

Shuichi looked up with a small grin and moved over a little so Ben would be able to squeeze into the bunk, mumbling something about how good it was to not be claustrophobic. Everyone laughed quietly, definitely not wanting to wake Suguru as he would be less lenient than Ben and Hiro had.

"So, Ryu, are you coming back with us?" Hiro asked.

"Yup, I've had fun, plus I think that I could Tat's place while you all tour across Japan," Ryuichi replied with a smile.

"I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear that comment," Tatsuha said with a smile. "As long as you promise not to sleep with him, I'll be okay."

"Aw, come on, Tatsuha. He's so cute," Ryuichi said and flinched under the sharp glare he got from Tatsuha. "I was just joking. You don't have to worry about me! I promise."

Shuichi laughed at the dorky look that crossed Tatsuha's face (a look of half-anger, half-amusement) and propped his pillow up on the wall behind him so he could sit more comfortably. He looked at each of the others as they talked back and forth, already coming up with what to do while in Japan. He was amazed at how easily everyone had seemed to put aside his suicide attempt, even if they were ignoring the warning signs.

He knew that Tatsuha was still afraid because he had heard him talking in his sleep for the past month about someone named Rori. Who that was and what he had to do with Tatsuha, Shuichi didn't know, but he knew that his lover would tell him when the time was right.

Shuichi had started cutting again, not as much as he had before, but that wasn't the problem. He thought that he had kicked that habit along with his panic attacks and the numb feelings, but it was back. The panic attacks and numbness were back as well, just not as bad as they had been before. The panic attacks weren't the things that bothered him, though. It was the numbness. When he was numb, he felt like he was dead. It was then that he had started cutting again. He hadn't even realized what he was doing until after he had done it last time, and that was what scared him more than anything. If he hadn't realized that he was cutting himself, could he not realize that he was slitting his neck or wrists as well? He didn't want to die, but now he was just cutting because it was a part of daily life. It made him feel like he was alive when the numbness came around and brought him back to reality when he felt disassociated with his body.

A loud knock tore Shuichi from his thoughts and made all of them jump up from their seats. Suguru mumbled and climbed out of bed to open the door before any of them could move, not even noticing the five men that were piled on the one small bunk when he passed them. He flipped the light switch and unlocked the door to let K and Sakano in, grumbling about seven in the morning being too early to worry about leaving.

Suguru turned around to tap on everyone's privacy curtains to wake them all up, but stopped with an astonished look on his face when he realized that everyone, excluding Alexis, was awake and piled into one bunk. His astonishment turned into a grin and put his forehead into his hand, shaking his head.

"I thought I heard voices," he mumbled and everyone laughed as they climbed out of tight space.

Shuichi was the last out of the bunk and immediately found a gun pointed between his eyes. Looking cross-eyed at the gun, Shuichi laughed. "I think I pissed K off, guys," he said and was surprised to hear K thumb the cock on the gun.

"Pissed off is an understatement," K growled. "What in the hell were you thinking?"

"What do you mean, K? We've already come to the agreement that I knew that I was going to pass out but it wasn't like I meant to do it. I didn't want to screw up so I went out and tried my hardest to keep my energy up, but I obviously failed."

"Obviously," K muttered and Shuichi was relieved when he pulled the gun away and put it back in his shoulder holster.

"Okay," Sakano said with a sideways glance at K, "K and I have decided that we need to leave early. You can sleep on the flight home, but we need to get back to Japan before tomorrow. That'll give you all two days of rest and plenty of time for Shuichi to get his bandages removed before you all start the Japanese tour."

Everyone sighed and nodded in agreement. The fourteen hour flight home could have come much later, but they did need more than one day to rest up before going on tour again. If they didn't get it they would most definitely all fall from over exhaustion next time."

So, everyone packed up all of their things and rode the buses to the airport, boarding the private jet to return to Japan once again.

**-------------**

Yuki lay in bed in his new home, staring blankly at the flashes of blue light that the muted television cast on the ceiling. He hadn't been able to sleep well for the past week, hell he hadn't been able to sleep since he left Tokyo, and the lack of energy was starting to get to him. He hadn't left his house in two weeks and had barely even had enough energy to get out of bed after many failed attempts to get sleep every night. On nights that he did catch some sleep, it was always filled with dreams of one certain raven-haired man. How he had found Shuichi after he had slit his wrists… The blood had been everywhere, in Shuichi's raven locks, soaked into his clothes, and the smallest hints of the coppery plasma still lingered in the back of his nasal cavity.

He quickly shook the painful memories out of his mind and concentrated on the music playing softly from the radio across his room. It was on a station that played international songs, mostly American, and the music he had grown attached to during his four year stay in the country. The last strings of the song that had been playing slowly played out and the announcer came over the speakers, informing everyone that that had been "Recognize" by Flaw and next was "Forgive Me" by Evanescence.

Yuki rolled over onto his side, pulling the blankets around his body closer, and stared at the radio as the lyrics poured out.

_Can you forgive me again?  
I don't know what I said  
But I didn't mean to hurt you_

I heard the words come out  
I felt like I would die  
It hurt so much to hurt you

Then you look at me  
You're not shouting anymore  
You're silently broken  


The song was an eerie reminder of him and Shuichi's old relationship and the words brought a painful tear to his eye. He wondered if, somewhere over in America on a plane flying overseas, Shuichi was listening to the same song at the same time. He doubted it, but oh, how ironic it would be if he was.

_I'd give anything now  
to kill those words for you  
Each time I say something I regret _

_I cry "I don't want to lose you."  
But somehow I know that you _

_will never leave me, yeah._

'Cause you were made for me  
Somehow I'll make you see  
How happy you make me

And he had never let Shuichi see how happy he had made him. Unless you counted fucking the man senseless against his will as telling Shuichi how much he had loved him. No, he didn't think that it was the same thing, but that thought made him wonder why Shuichi had so easily slept with him that first night in December.

_I can't live this life  
Without you by my side  
I need you to survive_

So stay with me  
You look in my eyes and 

_I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry._

And you forgive me again  
You're my one true friend  
And I never meant to hurt you

And Shuichi had forgiven him. Maybe they had been more than friends, but for years the pink-haired baka had come back, silently praying that next time it would be different. It never was. It had always been the shit every night, and it only took seeing the bruises around Shuichi's wrist and on his back that one time for the blurred, drunken memories to come back to him one by one. And then his mind had played one more cruel trick on him, and convinced him that leaving Shuichi was the best thing for both of them. Just one more deception to add to the long list of times that his mind had fooled him.

He wanted to see Shuichi again. More importantly, he _had_ to see Shuichi again. If he didn't, he knew that he was going to go insane. He had tried to live four years of his life without the once spunky man and found quickly that he couldn't, but he still tried like hell to do it.

Sighing quietly, Yuki climbed out of bed and went to his computer, resorting to the only way he knew that he could see the man without being seen himself. He logged onto the internet and went to Bad Luck's home site, checking out tour dates and making sure that some tickets were left for one particular concert. Few tickets were still left for all of their concerts and he picked the closest date to present, Zepp Tokyo on March second.

Yuki got out his credit card and paid for the tickets before shutting his lap top and plopping down onto the couch, feeling for the first time in weeks as if he was full of energy. He smiled as he realized that that was what Shuichi did best, he filled everyone around him with energy and happiness when he was happy and pain and grief whenever he was sad. He was like a star shining brightly in the night sky that everyone relied on for direction, and was just as beautiful and as hard to resist being drawn to.

All of a sudden, exhaustion overcame Yuki senses and he lay back on the couch, pulling a small blanket over his body. Maybe now that he had the chance to see the man again he would (metaphorically) rest in peace.

**-------------**

_A young raven-haired man ran quickly down the halls of his high school. He was late for school again and it was all just because his stupid older brother had come up with the smart, last minute idea to leave Japan…again. It had been two years since Eiri and Shuichi's first encounter and now, after putting up with the baka for two long years, Eiri had decided to leave him alone. The immediacy of his brother's announcement made the man wonder what had happened, but he just had to hand it to Eiri, the king of running away._

_Tatsuha finally made it to his classroom door and stood outside to catch his breath for a minute, preparing himself for the onslaught he was mostly definitely going to get from his teacher. He checked his watch, cursing at his father for breaking his all time record. Twenty minutes late…the teacher was most definitely going to skin him alive. With his best innocent smile plastered on his face, Tatsuha pulled open the classroom door and walked inside, resulting in a delightful, immediate silence from the teacher who had been lecturing the class in the front of the classroom._

_The boy ignored the glare he got from his teacher and made his way to his desk, sitting down and pulling his books out of his bag in silence. A small smirk made its way across his face as he heard the teacher's angry steps make their way to his desk, the supposed to be intimidating shadow that loomed over him falling far from its mark._

_"May I ask why you are late _again_, Uesugi?" the teacher inquired._

_"This morning I had to inform my father that I am planning on going to college, which also meant telling him that I am going to quit at the temple. Needless to say, he got a little pissed and we got in a fight," Tatsuha said smartly, a small, almost innocent smile playing across his features._

_The teacher growled and Tatsuha knew that he would have fought with his least favorite student a little more if the rest of the class hadn't of been paying attention to them. "Well then, you know well what the consequences are for being late. No lunch today, and, since this was your fourth offense this week, an essay on how hard it is for little boys such as yourself to get into college when they are late to school every day." With that, the teacher turned his back on Tatsuha and returned to the front of the class room._

_Tatsuha smiled victoriously at the teacher's back and turned his head slightly as he felt a small tap on his elbow, his smile growing as his smile was met by another grinning man._

_"Nice job, Uesugi. Now we can't spend lunch together," the man whispered indignantly, his smile turning to a scowl. "How come you always gotta show up late? Next, we won't be able to spend _any_ time together."_

_Tatsuha smiled and poked his boyfriend playfully on the cheek. "Oh, I don't think I'll let that happen," he said mischievously, resulting in a small blush from the other man._

_"You're father would flip if he _really_ knew where you went after school, ya know?" the American transfer student said dangerously. "When are you planning on saying something to him?"_

_"I'll do it when I feel like it, and he shouldn't be too hard. He was fine with Eiri."_

_The other man smirked and shook his head. "Yes, but Eiri wasn't a rebellious little prick, was he?"_

_"Nope," Tatsuha said with a proud grin, "and neither was I until Dad decided to try and track my every move."_

_The brunette laughed and punched Tatsuha lightly in the arm. "It suits you, though."_

_"Jacobson, since you are so bent on conversing with your friend, why don't you spend lunch with him?" the teacher condemned._

_"Fine with me," the man said and leaned back in his chair._

_Tatsuha smirked and rolled his eyes at his lover, deciding that, for once in his last year of high school, he should heed his teacher's warnings and pay attention if he planned on even getting into college…………_

_School was out and Tatsuha and his lover were walking home, arms wrapped around each other's waists. The younger of the two sighed and laid his head down on the elder's shoulder, closing his eyes and letting Tatsuha guide him through the cold snow._

_"Tatsuha?" he asked. "Do you piss him off on purpose?"_

_"Who? My father or our jackass teacher?"_

_"Either one. You always wanted to be a monk and now you've quit that to go to college, but your grades are suffering so badly that no one is even sure if you'll make it _into_ college. Both of them know that you have a lot of potential, just like your brother, but you're not using it."_

_"Please don't compare me to Eiri, Rori," Tatsuha muttered. "I am nothing like him."_

_"Sorry, Tat-kun, it's just, I dunno…I'm worried that you won't make it into college."_

_"Worrying only makes things worse," Tatsuha mumbled and let go of his lover so he could lead him up to his apartment._

_"I can't help it," Rori said while they stood in the elevator. "Brooding is my specialty; you of all people should know that."_

_"I know."…………_

_Tatsuha stood outside of his high school's auditorium, waiting for the graduation ceremony to begin. He was surrounded by family and friends: his father, a detached Shuichi, Mika, Touma, Hiro, Ryuichi…they were all there. But there was no sign of Rori any where._

_"Someone important not show?" Mika whispered into his ear when she noticed Tatsuha's frantic searching of the lobby. She was the only one he had told about his relationship with Rori._

_"I don't know where he is," he muttered, jumping when the booming voice of the school's principal rang out over the crowd._

_"Class of 2002. Congratulations on finishing your last year of high school in splendor! May the rest of your years be just as grand!" the principal said over the crowd. "It is now time for you to walk the stage and complete this phase of your life. If you would just get in alphabetical order we will file into the auditorium."_

_"Don't worry, he'll show," Mika whispered and followed the others into the large room with words of luck and congratulations._

_The seniors got in line and filed into the auditorium as they had practice so many times before, only to get the real deal this time instead of a piece of white printer paper with announcements printed on it. Tatsuha stood toward the back of the line and had a perfect view of the lobby's door, but when the principal called out "Rori Jacobson" once…twice…three times, the man never showed. It took all of his will to keep Tatsuha from running out of the school then and there and back to Rori's to force his boyfriend to get his ass to school and get is diploma. He had gotten an acceptance letter to the only college he and Rori had applied to and he wasn't refused to go alone._

_It finally came time for the principal to announce Tatsuha's name and he walked gracefully onto the stage, showing none of his concern on his face, but just about dying from worry in his mind. Where was Rori? Why hadn't he shown? Was everything he said just a façade? Just a way to make Tatsuha think that Rori had cared?_

_With a fake smile, Tatsuha shook the principal's hand and walked off the stage, taking his seat amongst in the sea of blue robes and hats. The last person made his way across the stage and Tatsuha settled into his seat, telling himself not to worry as the principal started his boring speech to the crowd…_

_The ceremony finally ended and Tatsuha ran out of the high school, not bothering to say goodbye to any of his friends and family. As he ran he pulled his robe off and dialed Rori's number on his cell phone, cursing at the fact that it was busy. He tore his way up the stairs of Rori's building and across the lobby, not hearing the receptionist as she yelled that there was no running in the lobby. He frantically pushed the up button on the closet elevator, fumbling with the keychain in his pocket for Rori's key as he waited. The doors finally opened an eternity later and Tatsuha threw himself in, slumping against the wall and taking great heaving breaths while he did his best not to cry._

_The elevator finally stopped outside the tenth story and Tatsuha dashed out the doors before they even opened all the way, calling out an apology as he ran into a woman who was waiting to get inside. He reached Rori's door and had to use both hands to put the key into the lock, as his right one was shaking too badly to guide the key in on its own._

_He pulled the door open and a coppery, metallic smell filled his nose, filling him with an immediate sense of nausea. All of the lights were off and he checked the phone in the living room to see that it was hanging off the hook._

_"Rori?" he called out, pulling his shirt up over his nose to block out as much of the horrible smell as he could. "Rori, where are you?"_

_When there was no answer, Tatsuha became even more frantic and began searching all of the rooms. Rori's bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen, even the closets…he checked them all, but there was no sign of his brunette lover anywhere in the house._

_Tatsuha stood in the middle of the living room, a look of painful detachment on his face as he let his tears fall down his face. He wasn't there; he hadn't been to graduation…where was he? He didn't no where else Rori would be. He was about to give up when he remembered Rori's blessed study, the one that his lover spent countless hours in making beautiful artwork. Preparing himself for the worst, Tatsuha made his way back to the room, not acknowledging the figure that had entered the apartment's door seconds before._

_The door was open and, as he made his way down the hall, Tatsuha realized that the smell got stronger the closer he got to the door. A sob snuck its way past his lips as he resisted the urge to make a detour into the bathroom and throw up, and, after what seemed to be an eternity of suspense and concern, Tatsuha finally entered the room._

_With open wide in suspense, he fumbled with the light switch on the wall, a blood curdling scream echoing through the house as he fell to the floor, tangled in an anonymous person's arms. The blood, the gun, the maimed man lying on the floor, the vision would haunt both people forever…………_

A painful scream rang out in the home of Tatsuha and Shuichi as Tatsuha sat straight up in bed, bathed in a cold sweat. The dreams were becoming more and more realistic, and the scent of the blood was eerily becoming more and more defined while he dreamed. He felt the bed next to him, panicking when he felt that it was empty before remembering that Shuichi had started the Japanese tour that night.

Shaking uncontrollably, Tatsuha climbed out of bed and went to the phone, dialing his sister's number quickly. Mika answered on the second ring, sleep slurring her speech.

"Mika, they won't go away," he sobbed, letting everything out to the only other person who had seen Rori that night.

**-------------**

It was once again almost time for Bad Luck to end one more successful concert. Shuichi was belting out the words to the remixed version of the "Rage Beat", singing in his native tongue for the first time in what felt like forever. He kept throwing small glances over his shoulder as he jammed on stage; just to make sure that the others were having as much fun as he was. From the looks on their faces, he guessed that they were having all that fun and even more.

He smiled as the song began to come to a close and he and Hiro strung out the end on their guitars. The crowed erupted in cheers and a bright smile made its way across Shuichi's features, one of the few real smiles he had given since his "recovery". He threw one more glance back over shoulder at Hiro, who was quickly tuning his guitar for the next song, and then looked back at the crowd.

Shuichi's amethyst eyes grew to about three times their normal size as he caught an all too familiar glimpse of brown hair and blue eyes somewhere in the back of the crowd. The person didn't look away, but kept staring deep into his own eyes as if he could see right through him.

Shuichi began to panic, expecting Hiro, Ben, and Suguru to have already started the last song by that time so he could sing and forget about what he saw. But they hadn't and, when he turned around to wonder why, he saw that they hadn't started because they all had their eyes locked on the same person in the back of the crowd. Shuichi took the matters into his own hands and gripped the microphone tightly in both of his hands, belting out the lyrics to, not the song he was supposed to sing, but the first one that came to his head.

_Lost and broken  
Hopeless and lonely  
Smiling on the outside  
But hurt beneath my skin  
My eyes are fading  
My soul is bleeding  
I'll try to make it seem ok  
But my faith is wearing thin_

So help me heal these wounds  
They've been open for way too long  
Help me fill this soul  
Even though this is not your fault  
That I'm open  
And I'm bleeding  
All over your brand new rug  
And I need someone to help me sew them up

Shuichi closed his eyes, not taking the time to mentally punish himself on his choice of song. It was the song that he had on repeat in his CD player since he had bought the CD, after all, and the one that had yet to fail to bring tears to his eyes whenever he heard it.

_I only wanted a magazine  
I only wanted a movie screen  
I only wanted the life I'd read about and dreamed  
And now my mind is an open book  
And now my heart is an open wound  
And now my life is an open soul for all to see_

But help me heal these wounds  
They've been open for way too long  
Help me fill this soul  
Even though this is not your fault  
That I'm open  
And I'm bleeding  
All over your brand new rug  
And I need someone to help me

Now was the part that actually meant something to him. He opened his eyes and stared deep into the cerulean ones across the clubhouse, singing the lyrics to the man as if he were talking to him face-to-face.

_So you come along  
I'll push you away  
Then kick and scream for you to stay_

Cause I need someone to help me  
Oh I need someone to help me

He closed his eyes again and used all of his will to hold back the tears that threatened to fall down his face. This was it, if Tatsuha was here he would be skinned alive after the concert's completion, but he wasn't. So what did that leave him to do? He didn't know but he was afraid of what he would do without Tatsuha there to stop him.

_To help me heal these wounds  
They've been open for way too long  
Help me fill this soul  
Even though this is not your fault  
That I'm open  
And I'm bleeding  
All over your brand new rug  
And I need someone to help me sew them  
I need someone to help me fill them  
I need someone to help me close them up_

Shuichi ended the song and opened his eyes again, looking around the crowd and trying to avoid looking into the eyes of the man staring at him in the back. He fought as hard as he could, but the gravitational pull around the brunette man standing in the crowd was too much for him. Their eyes made contact for one fleeting second before Shuichi dropped the microphone from his hands and ran from the stage, tears falling carelessly down his face as he left the hall.

Shuichi made it out to his car and pulled on the handle to remember that it was locked and he had left his keys in his dressing room. He fought relentlessly and stupidly with the door, hitting it and pounding on the window for it to open without avail, before sliding down the door and onto the ground.

The tears wouldn't stop coming and when Shuichi heard the footsteps running toward him he didn't look up, expecting it to be Hiro or Ben. The person dropped to their knees by his side and wrapped him in their arms, letting him sob uncontrollably into their shoulder.

Before he knew what was going on, Shuichi felt someone's lips make contact with his own and he opened his eyes in surprise, finding his answer in the cerulean ones that bored passionately into his. Shuichi's tears stopped and he wrapped his arms around the man's neck, greedy for more of the man that he had carelessly given up on so long ago. Not caring what the gods above thought about him, Shuichi sold his soul one more time. But to whom he had yet to find out.

TBC…

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A/N: Damn, this took me forever to write. But, I'm finally done and that's all that matters, right? _sigh_ Sorry if you all think that I left off at the shittiest place in the world, but I couldn't think of anything else to write…

So, what did you all think of Tatsuha's little dream sequence? Tell me if you think it sucks, okay? And, if you all are still scratching your little heads and wondering who Rori is, never fear because I'm planning on making pretty much all of the next chapter or two about Tatsuha and Rori. I, for some strange unknown reason, like Rori's character. I have him all planned out in my head and want to put it out on paper so you all will know how he and Tatsuha met, where he's from (besides just America), what his motives were, and why he decided to leave everything behind even when he knew that he had Tatsuha…

Oh, right…thank to: **GravityNeko, subzero13, Sammy -.-zzz, sakuryo, CassiToTheStars, Syaoran is kawaii, Rebound, Crystal Flowers, Kitty in the Box, Spiritual Destiny, h-grey, clueless97, Dooley, Guren, Jace, **and** kriziamoon** for all of the awesome reviews for chapter nine! I love you guys!

One more thing before I go. I'm sorry for any spelling errors! My computer ran out of ink and I can't read from the computer without my eyes crossing and the words all jumbling together so I didn't get a chance to proofread this chapter. Hopefully it'll be better by next chapter. I doubt it, but hopefully…

Oh yeah, everyone have a MERRY CHRISTMAHANNUKWANZICA! (If you've seen the T-mobile commercial, you know what I mean). If you have no idea what that means…HAPPY HOLIDAYS!


	11. Painful Memories of a Tired Heart

Hi everyone! I hope that you all had a happy holiday and didn't get snowed in the whole time like I did. The one time we were actually planning of having my favorite relatives up for a fun Christmas, three feet of snow gets dumped on us. Not a lot compared to where I used to live, but, if you've watched the evening news, then you know how bad it was. Living in Kentuckiana sucks! Stupid morons don't know how to take care of the roads! God they piss me off!...

Well, know that that's off my chest, I don't have much to say about this chapter, just that this is just the beginning of finding out just who Rori is and what he went through to get him to commit suicide. Even in my mind he's a complicated person and I can't wait to see how the ideas in my head transfer onto paper…

Oh, yeah. The parts in first person are Tatsuha talking to the therapist (Ezra). The parts Rori-centric parts are all written in third-person. I hope that I don't confuse you guys, but I wanted to try something different…

WARNING! This chapter does have a slight lemon in it. Read with caution if you don't like them…

Well, here it goes…

**Disclaimer:** I didn't get the rights for _Gravitation_ for Christmas. _cries_…

**Painful Memories of a Tired Heart…**

It was August of 1994. I was twelve years old and I was in the sixth grade. It was the first day of school and I was so nervous because it was my first year without my older brother. I loved him so much, and was still confused on why he had been taken to America when I had to stay here in Japan without him. Dad had ignored my complaints earlier that morning and had forced me to go to school anyway.

We didn't have assigned seats, so I just picked a desk, watching everyone pick their own and hoping that someone would sit next to me this year. When no one did, I wasn't surprised but I was still hurt. I was the younger brother of a freak; after all, even that news had made it all the way back to the middle school over summer break. It tore me apart, but I never once blamed Eiri. It wasn't his fault that he was born with light hair, eyes, and skin. Even through all of that pain, I was still a happy-go-lucky boy, just like all boys my age were supposed to be.

The teacher came into the classroom and everyone fell silent. I, living up to the good student name that I had made for myself the year before, got out my notebook and a pencil and was ready to take notes when the teacher started to preach. He took role, barely even stealing a glance at all of us students, and was about to start the lesson when a knock sounded on the door. He went and opened it and talked with the school's secretary before stepping aside and allowing a new student to enter the classroom.

I remember seeing him for the first time as if were yesterday. His pale, creamy complexion, his brown hair, his shining blue eyes, I think I may have fallen for him right then and there, but I hadn't realized it yet.

The teacher introduced him. "Class," he said, "this is Rori Jacobson. He is a transfer student from America and will be taking part in our class. I want you to make sure that you provide a good example and live up to the name our school has created like you have in years past."

We all nodded and he told Rori to take a seat. There were plenty of other open seats in the classroom, many of them by pretty little girls that were busy drooling over Rori's looks, but he chose to sit by me. He walked over to the desk and gave me a small smile before sitting down beside me and pulling out his books as I had done.

"Hey, I'm Rori. What's your name?" he whispered to me, speaking in flawless Japanese, and held out a hand for me to shake while the teacher had his back turned.

"Hi, Rori. I'm Tatsuha Uesugi," I said and took the offered hand.

"Nice to meet you, Tatsuha," he said and smiled again before turning back to the teacher to pay attention to the lesson.

Up until lunch, that day passed like any other, the only difference was that I actually had someone by my side instead of just an empty seat.

I went outside with the rest of the class, carrying my lunch in one hand with a notebook tucked safely underneath my armpit. I loved to sit outside during lunch and draw in my sketchbook. Not anything in particular, just anything that popped into my head while I was sitting there. I sat down underneath a weeping willow tree, alone and safely hidden behind the leaves and branches that hung gracefully down to the ground. I opened my lunch and took a small bite of a rice ball, opening my notebook at the same time and pulling my pencil out from behind my ear. That day, I knew exactly what I wanted to draw.

Ignoring the lunch sitting beside me, I started to draw a face. _His_ smiling face as I had remembered it in the classroom. I heard a rustling noise somewhere in front of me and quickly flipped back to the image I had started the day before, sketching on that instead.

"Whatcha doin', Uesugi?" the person asked and I looked up to see Rori's face smiling down upon me.

"Not much," I said and took another small nibble of my rice ball, offering the other to him.

"Thanks," he said and sat down next to me, stretching nimbly and taking a bite of the rice. "Your picture is really good."

"Nah, not really," I said, a small blush sneaking its way up my face. "I've done better."

"No, it's beautiful. Whose temple is it?"

"It's, um, it's where I live. My father is a monk and we own a temple," I said weakly.

"Is that your father praying?" he asked, pointing at the man who was kneeling at the altar.

I nodded. "Yeah, I snuck in while he was praying last night. I made him mad, but I think I made up for it when I showed him what I had drawn. I told him that I wanted a picture of the temple with him in it so I snuck in while I had the chance."

Rori laughed heartily and yawned. "I love art, too. Maybe sometime I can show you my pictures."

"That'd be great," I said with the first real smile I think I had shown since my brother left. "I'd love it."

The bell for class to start again rang out over the grounds and Rori stood up, stretching to the sky before offering me a helping hand to stand up.

"Welp, off to class we go, I guess," Rori said and led the way out from underneath the wilted limbs of the willow.

"Unfortunately," I laughed and followed him back into school to complete the rest the long school day.

I had a friend! For the first time in years, I had a friend that wasn't my brother. I was happy for the first time since spring earlier that year.

Our friendship blossomed over the next few years and we slowly became closer and closer until our freshman year of high school. Neither of us technically asked the other out, it just happened. I remember that I was using him as a model for an art project. I assignment was to paint a picture on a canvas of a person that was important to us. He was the most important person to me at that time and probably would be up until me and Shuichi got together.

What was I talking about again? Oh, right, when we started "going out". Well, after I finished the painting, I was so happy with the results that I wasn't thinking and I kissed him. I think he was just as surprised as I was embarrassed when we pulled apart, but after taking a minute to recover he kissed me back. I was in heaven.

I was so happy that I was blind and thought that everything was perfect. After seeing the bruises and scars, I did worry, but not enough. While I was busy blindly traveling through life, getting my oxygen from my love for Rori, Rori's world was just starting to crash around his ears…

**-------------**

Tears streamed down a brunette's face as he lay in bed, listening to his parents arguing through the heating vent in his bedroom's floor. They were arguing over him, again of course, and the reason was so foolish that he felt the need to go down and slap his father just to get it over with. It was his life, after all, and he had chosen to live his life the way that he wanted to live it. And life included Tatsuha. His mother had suspected the comings of their relationship for ages, but didn't mind. He was her baby and she didn't care what he did, as long as he was happy and wasn't going to get hurt. His father, being the homophobe that he was, condemned Rori and Tatsuha's relationship to no end.

A crack like a whip rang out from below and Rori winced as he heard his mother cry out in pain, the tears falling harder. His father began to yell louder, telling her that he refused to have a gay son living under his roof, but, even after being hit, his mother fought back. She yelled that he was only fourteen years old and couldn't survive out on the streets. His father yelled for his mother to shut up and another crack rang up the stairs, causing Rori to wince again.

He heard footsteps thundering up the stairs, the only source being his angry father. Rori quickly rolled over onto his side, facing the window, and quickly wiped the tears away from his eyes before his father threw open the door. The shock the door sent thundering through the wall was enough to send a few of Rori's most treasured paintings crashing to the floor, but Rori still feigned sleep, hoping that he put up a good enough front so his father would leave him alone. He was wrong.

The blankets were pulled forcefully from his body, but Rori still didn't move. This just succeeded in pissing his father off even more and he grabbed Rori by the back of his shirt, dragging his son out of bed while Rori gasped frantically for air.

Rori found himself slammed against his bedroom wall, his father's hand around his throat and his feet dangling inches from the floor. Rori struggled with pulling the hand away, tears forming in the corners of his eyes as he gasped for air, and looked to his mother for help. She just stood in the doorway, tears falling silently down her face and bruises already starting to form on her cheek and eye.

"You listen to me, boy!" he father yelled, face inches away from Rori's. "You're gonna cut this bullshit business and you're gonna find yourself a good woman! I knew I shoulda kept you away from that Uesugi boy when I had the chance."

"Dad," Rori gasped, using up the rest of the air he had left in his lungs, "Tat-chan is my friend. That's all, I promise."

"Bullshit!" his father roared, clutching his son's neck tighter.

Rori's mother must have seen her son's face starting to turn purple because she ran over to her husband and tried pulling him off of their son.

"Joseph, let him go! You're gonna kill him!" she yelled and somehow got enough strength to pull her husband away. "He's learned his lesson," she sobbed. "You don't have to kill him!"

Rori slumped to the floor on all fours, gasping for air and rubbing at the welp that was starting to form on his neck. Thank God it was winter and he could cover up that bruise with a turtleneck once morning came.

Throwing one more disgusted look at his son over his shoulder, Rori's father stomped out of Rori's room and down the hall to he and wife's bedroom. Rori's mother ran quietly over to her son's side, wrapping gentle arms around his body while they quietly sobbed together on the floor.

"I'm so sorry, sweetie," his mother sobbed. "He didn't mean it. He was just angry."

"Just like he didn't mean to slap you? Or a call me a faggot?" Rori snarled, pulling away from his mother who stared at him with wide eyes. "Yeah, I heard every word. Next time you wanna keep a fight quiet, make sure you tell Dad not to yell so loud. I think the entire neighborhood knows that I'm gay now."

"I'm sorry," his mother said through tears and left the room, closing the door quietly behind him.

Rori stood up and looked around the room. He found his backpack and threw some clothes into it with his books and picked up the phone, dialing Tatsuha's home quickly when he realized that it was only eight o'clock. His lover answered on the second ring and Rori whispered his question quietly so he wouldn't arouse any suspicions from his father.

When Tatsuha finally convinced his dad to agree, Rori threw a pained look over his shoulder at the closed door before opening the window and climbing out. The home was only two stories and a quick five minute walk away from Tatsuha's, turned into a two minute run as he tried to get away from his house as quickly as possible.

He arrived at his lover's home, gasping for air because of running this time. Tatsuha greeted him with a beaming smile and let him inside, leading him back to his bedroom where they shared a passionate kiss.

"What's wrong, Rori-kun?" Tatsuha asked, frowning in concern when he saw his boyfriend rub at his neck with a painful look on his face.

"Nothing," Rori said with his trademark smile. "I was painting all day after school today and I guess standing for all that time just got to my neck."

"You sure?"

"Positive," Rori said and gave Tatsuha a hug.

"Dad was mad that you called so late and wanted to come over, but you sounded urgent so I convinced him," Tatsuha said with a laugh. "And would you stop doing that?" he asked as Rori kept rubbing at his neck with that same pained expression.

"Sorry," Rori said with a smile and laid back on the futon that Tatsuha had laid out for him. "Thank you, Tatsuha. I didn't mean to make your father so angry, but I didn't want to stay at home alone all night." A lie, but a good quick lie that Rori showed none of on his face.

"How come your parents weren't home? I thought for sure that at least one of them would be home from work by now."

"Mom did come home, but she and Dad went out for dinner about an hour later and I haven't heard from them since."

Tatsuha laid down on his futon and Rori rolled onto his side so he could face him. "I hope they're okay," Tatsuha said while staring at the ceiling.

_I wish Dad was dead,_ Rori thought but said: "Ah, don't worry about it. They'll be home tomorrow when I get home from school. They've probably just lost track of time."

"Hopefully," Tatsuha muttered and sat up when a knock sounded from his door. "G'night, Dad," he said and the light outside the door went out.

Tatsuha motioned for Rori to move over and he helped move his boyfriend's bedroll so it was lying directly beside his. The two of them sat down beside each other on the now larger bedroll and Tatsuha leaned in, giving Rori what would have been a short, loving kiss if the other young man hadn't of wrapped his arms around him. Tatsuha smiled against Rori's lips and opened his mouth so the other could explore his cavern.

The two broke apart a few seconds later to breathe, pulling off each other's shirts before Tatsuha's lips captured Rori's again. The two laid back on the bed, Rori moving from Tatsuha's lips to suck ravenously but tenderly at the raven-haired young man's collarbone. Tatsuha moaned deep in his throat and flipped over, pinning Rori to the ground underneath him.

Tatsuha grinned passionately down at Rori and bent down, nibbling gingerly at Rori's earlobe.

"Aishiteru, Rori-kun," he whispered avidly in Rori's ear.

The words made Rori's heart flutter with joy and fill with excitement. He didn't care what his father said, this was where he belonged. Here with Tatsuha.

Tatsuha sat up slowly and looked down at Rori, using a finger to gently trace his boyfriend's slightly chiseled stomach. He smiled when he heard Rori his and felt a shiver ripple through the younger man's body at his touch, letting it grow even bigger when he felt Rori grab at his hand to get him to stop.

"You're gonna drive me insane," Rori muttered, after they kissed again.

"You were insane before you even met me," Tatsuha whispered and slowly kissed his way down Rori's chest and stomach, grinning evilly when Rori hissed and shot up straight after he dipped his tongue into the man's navel.

Rori whined in loss when Tatsuha pulled away from him, but tensed slightly when Tatsuha's weight was replaced again. Tatsuha's hands stopped their job and the raven-haired young man looked down at Rori in concern.

"You wanna do this?" he asked, not wanting to pressure Rori into doing anything.

"More than anything," Rori said, smiling when Tatsuha kissed him lovingly on the lips.

Tatsuha's hands began their job of undoing Rori's belt and pants, and, when he went to his own; Rori grabbed his hands to stop him.

"Let me do it," he muttered and undid the button and zipper on Tatsuha's pants.

They both slipped out of their highly uncomfortable jeans and laid tangled in each other's arms underneath the blankets. Tatsuha kept the lead as they laid together, using a couple of fingers to loosen his lover's entrance before he prepared to enter him. After seeing the pained expression that flashed over Rori's features from just his fingers, Tatsuha sat up and looked at Rori in question.

"I'm okay," Rori said and pulled Tatsuha back down so he could kiss him lightly. "Don't worry."

"Are you sure?" Tatsuha asked, not wanting to hurt Rori their first time together.

Rori nodded and stroked Tatsuha gently, reveling in the quiet moan it aroused out of his lover.

Tatsuha kissed Rori lightly and prepared himself when he felt Rori spread his thighs slightly to give him enough room. Tatsuha situated himself so he could enter Rori so that it was comfortable for them both, and, slowly and gently, he entered Rori completely.

The pain that Rori felt was nothing compared to the amount of pleasure that he got when Tatsuha found that spot inside of him. He moaned deep in his throat and wrapped his ankles around Tatsuha's waist, not wanting him to stop thrusting. Tatsuha got the hint and started to move faster, but still gently, and began to stroke Rori in time with his thrusts, resulting in another deep moan from Rori's throat.

The two moved in a synchronized dance as they edged closer and closer to climax. Rori came first, moaning Tatsuha's name as quietly as he could deep in his throat. Tatsuha came next, shooting his seed into Rori and moaning quietly before collapsing onto Rori's chest.

Rori gathered the exhausted man into his arms and stroked his hair softly, sighing when he heard Tatsuha's breath even out and deepen. He kissed the raven-haired young man softly on the head and falling into a deep sleep sometime later.

**-------------**

I should have realized that something was up after that first night, but I was so blinded by what we shared that I let it carelessly slip my mind. I should have become more concerned when I noticed that he wore a turtleneck to school the next day, and something always covered his neck for the next couple of weeks. I began to see black and blue marks show up on his arms and legs and one on his stomach. He always lied to me when I asked him what the problem was. They were good lies, I'll give him that much, but they were still lies. I was still too blind back then to really question what was going on.

We never went to his house, he always came to mine, and we just hung out or did more. Neither of us ever questioned our love for each other because we knew that we were meant to be together. Forever and for always.

Later that year I started to work at the temple and started to follow in my father's shoes. I was a great monk. No, scratch that, and make it an _awesome_ monk. I loved my job, but with the demands I got from my father, school, and duties I had to fulfill in my job as a monk, I never got to spend much time with Rori. Both of us suffered greatly from that, but, now that I think about it, I think he was the one that really suffered.

I was happy with my life and how I was spending it. I loved someone who loved me back, my home life was awesome, I was infatuated with Ryuichi Sakuma and Rori didn't seem to care…I didn't think that anything would be able to get me down.

I never told my father about my relationship with Rori. I didn't even tell my brother in the fear that he would condemn me or something completely off the wall like that. Eiri was, well, he was a player…actually I think that a pimp would be the most precise word to describe him, always sleeping with a different woman every night. But then, along came Shuichi, the J-pop pink-haired baka who, just as me, didn't have a single care in the world except for his relationship. He was the one good thing in Eiri's life and I had to sit back and watch him torture the happy boy because I was still afraid to tell him about Rori. I don't know why I was so terrified, probably because I was one of the few who could see through Eiri's constantly scowling mask, but to this day I haven't told anyone about Rori. Well, excluding one person.

Mika Seguchi, my older sister and the mother figure in my life since almost the day I was born. I loved and still do love her with all of my heart and would trust her with my life. She's beautiful, rich, and can turn into a bitch in .3 seconds. I don't know why I chose her to be the only one that I told about my relationship, after all, she was married to a man who only agreed to the marriage so he could get closer to Eiri. If anything, she could have condemned all homosexuals and sent them to hell for ruining her life, but she didn't. She understood Touma, or at least tried to understand why her husband loved a man who hated him with all of his being, and that was what I loved the most about her. Even if she did try to blindly take the only thing making Eiri happy out of his life.

So, while out to lunch with her one day I told her about Rori and our relationship. I even told her about my worries about his home life. She understood my worry but told me that worrying only made things worse. So, I stopped worrying and left her with a hug and words of thanks before heading home.

Over the next few weeks, I tried my hardest not to worry and did a pretty damn good job of it too. But then, strange cuts started showing up on his forearms near his wrists and insides of his elbows, and on his legs around his ankles. I had sparsely heard about people who cut themselves before, but never in my life had I thought that Rori would do it.

Half a year passed and the cuts started showing up on Rori like there was no end. They started getting deeper and deeper, and I'll admit that I was terrified. Before, I didn't know if they the cuts were made by him or just accidental, but by this time I knew that he was cutting himself. I confronted him about them a couple of times but he just told me that it was from his job. He worked in a botanical garden with a lot of roses and other thorny flowers that could easily cut you, so, being the good boyfriend that I was, I believed him. I don't know how I could have been so stupid, though.

Slowly but surely, the rest of the year went by and fifteen for me turned to sixteen, and Rori's father made what I think was the cruelest mistake of his life. It was my sixteenth birthday and I had the few friends that I accumulated over the years over to my house for a small party. Rori told me that he would show up after work, which was around five, but by six there was still no sign of him. The only thing that kept me away from the phone and calling him was that I knew that his father didn't approve of our relationship and would definitely not approve of me calling his house.

So I waited, and waited, and waited, and, finally, he showed up at eight. He ran into the house, gasping for breath and tears steaming freely down his face. The sight was definitely not one that I wanted to see on the man who had shown up to my house three hours late. I was more than terrified; hell, I don't even think there's a word to describe how scared it was. Everyone else had left by then, so I led Rori back to my bedroom, informing my father that Rori was going to stay because I didn't think that it would be good if he returned home for the night. Dad rolled his eyes, but agreed, grudgingly

I gave Rori a pair of sweats and let him change and splash some water on his face so he could calm down a bit, and then set him down on what I had deemed _his_ bedroll to get him to talk. I had to struggle to keep my own tears from falling when I saw that he also had deep gouges carved into his chest and stomach that I knew couldn't have come from working at the garden. He saw this and hung his head, finally telling me that, yes, he had been cutting himself and that he was sorry for lying to me about it.

I asked him why, he just shoved the question away with a lame conversation turner. I asked again and he did the same goddamn thing. I had to physically hit him across the face to get him to look at me and make him realize that I cared about him and wanted to know what in the hell was so bad in his life that could make him want to cut himself. That was when he told me about his good for nothing father and that he was taking the family back to America. The reason for that decision hurt me more than anything had by that point and time in my life.

The reason was me.

I couldn't handle it. I broke down and sobbed into Rori's shoulder. I knew that I couldn't live without Rori in my life. I had become addicted to seeing his smiling face, his beautiful blue eyes, his curly brown hair, his creamy pale skin, his deep, throaty voice. I was obsessed with this man.

Rori held me so gently that night and made everything so perfect. Everything he did was filled with love and for the first time in months he smiled a true smile. He whispered words of passion into my ear, letting me know that even if he would never be able to physically touch me like he was again; he would be doing it in his dreams. I remember how my whole body seemed to blush at that comment and how the twin rivers of joy and sadness that he kissed away seemed to burn trails into my cheeks and down my neck.

He left my house early the next morning, giving me one of the most passionate kisses he had ever given me and telling me that he loved me and that I shouldn't worry.

"Worrying only makes things worse," he said. "Dad won't be able to separate us forever."

And with those final words of hope, he left me alone, cold, and crying…

**-------------**

It was four o'clock in the morning, Rori saw as he sat in the tree outside his window. The argument he had had with his father before running to Tatsuha's house was one of their most heated in a long time.

His father wasn't planning on selling their home in Japan because he said that he planned on returning once Rori had found a woman and married. Much to his displeasure, his only son scowled and shouted that he should just plan on selling the house because leaving Japan wasn't going to make him give up on Tatsuha. For his joy-filled moment of sarcasm, however, Rori was hit in the back with his father's belt as he ran up the stairs to seclude himself in his room.

Tears steaming down his face, Rori pulled out his bedside drawer and dumped the contents onto his bed. He dropped down to his knees and frantically, urgently, dug through the contents until he found the pocket knife his father had given him for his tenth birthday. Oh, how ironic it would be if a gift from the once proud father was the tool that the son had chosen to commit suicide with. Rori smiled at the thought and flicked open the blade he had sharpened everyday for the past month.

With his eyes closed, Rori placed the blade next to his wrist, waiting for the balls to press down. A picture of his father's contorted, screaming face placed itself in the front of his mind, and Rori's clenched his eyes closed tighter as he applied a little more pressure to the blade in his hand.

An image of a smiling face with raven-hair and grey eyes flashed through his mind and a muffled sob escaped through Rori's clenched teeth as he opened his eyes, reluctantly pulling the blade away from his wrist. A few drops of blood oozed from the cut on his wrist and Rori them away with the hem of his tee-shirt. His wrist pulsed and seemed empty without the added weight of the blade, almost as if they had been made to be slit. Rori sighed and dropped his hand, with blade, down to his side before burying in his bed, sobbing uncontrollably into the sheets.

God, how he hated his father! If Rori could have one wish right there, he would wish that his father would collapse onto the kitchen floor from a heart attack or something equally as painful. As the morbid thoughts that drifted through his mind, Rori threw some things into the duffel bag to at least appease his father somewhat. He really didn't want to get another beating when he woke up in the morning.

When he had a few pair of clothes and important items stuffed into the bag, Rori picked the knife up again and drew it three times across his arm, not too deep, but deep enough for a steady flow of blood to coat his upper arm. He sighed and wrapped his bicep in some gauze to stem the blood flow before collapsing onto his bed and waiting for eight o'clock to come around and his parents to go to bed.

Not soon enough, he heard the telltale sounds of his parent's footsteps up the staircase and down the hall to their room, closing the door behind them.

Rori removed the gauze from his arm, glad to see that the blood had stopped and the cuts were already clotting over. He waited a few more minutes, just to make sure that his father or mother weren't planning on making a quick trip to his room for a check-in, and then climbed gracefully out the window and into the tree he was sitting in now.

Eight long hours had passed since then and Rori prayed to God, asking him for just one favor. Please don't let his father be in there when he climbs back in.

Rori sighed heavily and jumped gracefully from the limb and into his bedroom, more than grateful to see that neither of his father nor his mother was awaiting his return on the other side. He thanked God and climbed into bed, drifting off into what only felt like an hour of sleep before his father was pounding in his bedroom door to get him to wake up.

Sitting up and checking the clock, Rori realized that it had indeed only been an hour of sleep. It was five o'clock in the morning and his father was ready to go. Rori climbed groggily out of bed and pulled on a long sleeve tee-shirt to hide his wounds from his father's eagle-like eyes. It wouldn't do any good now to have his father find out about his self-injury, now would it?

With one final glance at his room, Rori threw a picture of Tatsuha into his duffel bag before closing the door and heading downstairs to meet his father and mother at the bottom. Just from the look on his father's face, Rori knew that he had already pissed the man off without doing anything and Rori braced himself for the onslaught he was sure to get.

"Never seen those sweatpants before, boy. Where'd ya get 'em?" he asked, almost yelled.

"They're new. I got them last weekend when mom and I went shopping," Rori replied, trying to use the best non-smart aleck tone of voice that he could muster.

"Bullshit," his father spat. "You didn't go shopping with your mother last weekend. She took the liberty to inform me that you went to your boyfriend's house instead of spending the day with her. Is that true?"

Rori, head held high, nodded. "Yes, actually, I did go to see Tatsuha last weekend. And ya know what? It was _great_," he said, trying his best to piss his already heated father off.

"I don't want to know what you do when you go to that faggot's house!" his father thundered, towering over Rori. "And just who in the hell do you think you are? Disobeying me when I told you not to go over there?"

"I am Tatsuha's lover. That's just who in the hell I think I am," Rori spat back venomously.

"How dare you talk to me like that, boy!" his father yelled and back-handed him across the face. "You will appreciate everything I do for you and you will listen to what I tell you do and obey it. You got that, boy?"

"Yes, Father," Rori said through clenched teeth as his father stomped out the house, his mother following teary-eyed after him.

They all climbed into the small car and made their way to the airport, Rori's dad yelling at him the whole way for things that he never thought they had a problem with. Rori didn't pay attention, his thoughts were stuck on Tatsuha and how he would survive if he couldn't see his lover's face everyday.

It was then that he came up with the perfect plan to keep in contact with Tatsuha and not have his father find out about it. Once back in Borden, he would get his own P.O. Box at the post office and send Tatsuha letters from there. No letters would have to arrive at his home and his father would never have to know that he was talking to Tatsuha. Easy as that.

The plane ride back to the States was a bitch, just like the one to Japan had been, and Rori mostly either slept, read, drew, or listened to his CD player the entire time. Fourteen hours later, Rori and family walked into the 'Ville's international airport for the first time in forever.

Rori didn't have much time to admire the developments however, before he was shoved in the back and towards the grandmother that so lovingly awaited the families return. He was smothered in hugs and kisses and rolled his eyes at the "look how big you're gotten"s and "I bet the girls love you"s. It was all rather annoying to him and he kept his grandma happy by smiling sarcastically at all of her comments.

The five piled into the car and drove another hour and a half until they were back in the BFE of Indiana. Borden, a small town in the middle of nowhere, fifteen minutes from the nearest McDonalds and thirty from the nearest grocery store…the perfect little town to isolate your family in.

As they pulled up the driveway of their old house, Rori took the time to appreciate just how much his grandmother had taken care of the home for the three years that they were gone. He helped his father with the luggage and carried his bag back into his bedroom, smiling and shaking his head at the eleven year old room décor. It was so horrible that he was almost embarrassed. The Mickey Mouse bed comforter and sheets, the cartoon and anime posters that hung on his walls, the glow in the dark stars stuck to his ceiling with sticky tack.

Rori dropped his bag on the floor next to his bed and fell onto the mattress, letting tears of joy and sadness fall down his face. He was guilty because he was so glad to be home, that sort of homesickness he had felt since he arrived in Japan was gone, but he knew that he might never see Tatsuha again. But he would never let that happen. He didn't care if it was thirty years from now, he _would_ see Tatsuha again, with his father's permission or not.

Over the summer, his room started looking more and more like the room of a fifteen year old, and he started his sophomore year of high school that August, successfully talking to Tatsuha through mail all summer through the P.O. Box. He was glad to be returning to school and was almost immediately accepted back into his old group of friends, but there was still a sort of emptiness inside of him that would only be filled by seeing Tatsuha's smiling face again.

He got that chance sometime near the end of September. Fall pictures had been taken at school and he got the ones that his mom had paid for, cutting one out before taking it home so he could send it with his next letter to Tatsuha. He went to the post office that afternoon, sending the letter and picture, and checking his P.O. Box to see if he had anything. And, sure enough, there was a letter from Tatsuha.

In a hurry to open the letter, Rori went to the local pizzeria where he was supposed to meet his friends a few minutes later. He got a table for six and sat down, tearing open the envelope in a hurry after ordering his drink. Rori pulled the letter out and read the perfect Japanese script that was scrawled across the paper:

_Rori-kun,_

_How are you doing? By the sounds of your last letter it sounded like you were doing better. Are you? Please tell me that you've at least cut down (horrible pun, I know). I wish I could be there to help you and I don't think that I'll ever be able to completely forgive your father for taking you away from me, but I'm trying my best to get along without you. School's different without you here. Everyone's all over me, guys and girls, and girls always give me their pretty pouts and pry whenever I tell them that I'm already taken. You should see their faces change when I say it's you. It's hilarious…_

_I miss you so much! I wish I could see you and hold you somewhere besides in my dreams. I know that this may sound cheesy, but I talk to your picture at night when I can't talk to you. Stupid, I know, but it makes me think that you're here, even if I can't hold you. I can still hear your voice echoing in my mind from the last time we made love. I don't ever want to forget that, or your voice, and you better come back to me by that time. Because you know that if you don't come for me, I'll come for you…_

_You'll never believe who I got to meet yesterday. It was Ryuichi Sakuma! Can you believe it? My brother's new lover (his name is Shuichi) is friends with him and he introduced me to him. Don't worry, I didn't try to molest him or anything (he, he) but he's so damn cute. You know that you think he is too. Anyway, I'm sending a picture of me, Sakuma-san, Shuichi, and Eiri backstage after a Bad Luck concert (that's Shuichi's band, just in case you haven't heard of them yet). I hope you like it!..._

_Well, I would say more but I've got to get back to work before Dad succeeds in killing me with his death glare. Remember, I'll be waiting for you…_

_Aishiteru, Tatsuha_

Rori smiled brightly and folded the letter up, checking the envelope for the picture Tatsuha had said that he sent. He found the small four inch print and stared at his lovingly, engraving his lover's features into his memory. Tatsuha's hair was longer, shaggier, than he last remembered it, but his merry grey eyes and bright smile were still the same. Rori laughed at the outfit that Tatsuha was wearing, as he knew that the raven-haired man knew that it was his favorite. The black polo shirt, blue jeans, and black Chuck's ensemble fit Tatsuha's mood perfectly and made Rori moan in longing just from looking at it.

In the photo, Tatsuha stood beside the infamous Ryuichi Sakuma, who smiled at the camera with one of the sexiest smiles Rori had seen from him. A young man that Rori thought was Shuichi stood next to Ryuichi, his pink hair dripping with sweat and one of his arms entwined through the tall blonde's standing next to him. Rori instantly recognized the blonde as Tatsuha's grouchy older brother and was strangely surprised to see a happy smile on the blonde's face. Rori flipped the picture over and saw Tatsuha's script on the back: _me, Sakuma-san, Shuichi, and Eiri…April 14 at Zepp Tokyo._

Smiling one more time at the picture, Rori put it and the letter back into the envelope and set it on the table while the first of his friends entered the pizzeria.

"Hey, Ror, you been here long?" his friend Cheyne asked as she took the seat next to him.

Rori shook his head. "No, not long. I had to stop by the post office so that burned up some time."

Cheyne nodded and pointed to the envelope sitting on the table. "Get anything good?"

Rori blushed and grabbed at the letter, but not before Cheyne got to it. "Hey, it's from Japan! Can I read it?" she asked, pulling at the flap.

"Sure, I don't care," Rori said, damning his luck. The one friend that he had that was almost as fluent in Japanese as he was just had to find it, dammit!

Cheyne smiled and took out the letter, reading it slowly so she could take everything in. Rori sat and watched as his only girl friend read the letter, mentally praying that she wouldn't condemn him for his sexual preference. Cheyne finished reading the letter with a smile and looked at the picture.

"He's a cutie," she said and laughed when Rori blushed. "I'm glad that you found someone who loves you, Rori. You need it after everything your father's put you through."

"Tatsuha's the reason he's putting me through it all," Rori muttered, "but I won't give up on him. I can't give up on him. Not yet."

"I understand," Cheyne whispered, "how hard it can be to please your parents when they don't like your choices. And you can't give up on him. Just by reading this letter, I know that if you don't go to him, he'll come to you, whether your father likes it or not."

"I know," Rori said with a smile. "Thanks, Cheyne."

"I try," Cheyne said with a grin. "Hey!" she said, eyes getting wide, "I think I know how we can get your dad off your back."

"How?" Rori said sarcastically. He'd given up all hope of getting his father off his back a long time ago.

"Let's go out," she said, smiling innocently when she saw the disgusted look on Rori's face. "It won't be that bad, plus, I never said on a date or as a couple. Just as friends. I can pose as your girlfriend around your father, but other than that we can just go to the mall or movies or anything like that. I'm taken too, ya know, and we're just friends, so I wouldn't think of taking you from Tatsuha."

"Sure," Rori laughed, "but no kissing or anything. We can hold hands, but kissing is where I draw the line."

"Don't worry about it," Cheyne laughed and shut up as everyone else filed in.

Rori spent a good three hours at the pizzeria, just hanging out with his friends, but got home an hour after curfew. Luckily, his father was still at work and his mother let him off the hook, allowing him to go up and fall asleep before anything could happen to him.

**-------------**

We talked back and forth through letters all our sophomore year. I loved hearing from him, but we could only talk about twice a month. He called me a few times but it was always at a friend's house so his father wouldn't find the international call on the phone bill, so we never got to talk for very long. I didn't care, though. Just as long as I got to hear his voice.

I was more than hurt when I heard that his friend Cheyne was posing as his girlfriend to get his father off his back. Well, I was happy that he wouldn't get beat or anything anymore and prayed that it would keep him from cutting, but it was still hurt. I was his lover, not her, and it wasn't fair that she got to go out and touch him everyday when I couldn't even touch him. I think that was when I started tearing myself apart. My brother was so happy now that he had put his past demons aside and was finally able to love Shuichi the way he needed to be loved, but yet there I was. I was the one who had found the love of my life at eleven, the one that should have been the happiest of everyone because I never had to deal with a haunting past or nightmares or anything like that. I know that it may sound selfish, but I always thought that it wasn't fair.

I started slacking off on my duties at the temple and fell into a deep depression. Everyone around me knew it, Rori even knew just from talking to me over the phone and in my letters, but never did anything. They knew that I wouldn't be better until I was able to see him again. Something they also knew was that I may never be able _to_ see him again. But they still never tried, no one but Shu and Ryuichi showed any effort to try and cheer me up.

Then, one summer day between my junior and senior years, I got a letter from Rori's father and then one from his mother. The second I saw the man's script on one of the envelope, I got pissed, but I controlled my anger just enough to open it and read it. I don't know why I decided to open his father's before I opened his mothers, but I wish I had done the opposite. Although, most people say that it's better to get the bad news out of the way before hearing the good news so that the bad can't ruin the good.

His father had found the place where Rori hid my letters. I don't know why he decided to search Ror's room, but he and Cheyne's "relationship" must've been easy to read through after a while. He told me that I was to never talk to his son again or he would take me to court…or, if that failed, he would have me killed. At that point, I knew, his father was a Grade-A psycho. He didn't tell me what he did to Rori or, as morbid as this may sound, what Rori's condition was. All he did was yell, well, he wrote in all capitals which is the closest to yelling that you can get in a letter.

Next was the letter from his mother. I had always loved his mother like my own, as much as I hated his father and knew that I could trust every word that she said. It's true that this one held beyond glorious news, but it also held Rori's condition. She hadn't been home at the time of the "incident", as she had called it, but she said that Rori came home from school one day to the wrath of his father. If she hadn't of gotten home when she did, she said that she knew that he would have ended up killing him. He would have fucking beat his own son to the point of death! Can you believe that? I don't think that I ever cried that hard and, if I had had the money, the first thing I would have done would've been to hop on a plane and fly over to Borden and beat his father senseless. Let him see how it feels. She said that Rori had been in the hospital for month and was going to be released in a few days, but that wasn't the best news.

She also said that, behind his father's back, she had given Rori enough money for a one-way ticket to Japan and a new home and clothes and all that good stuff. She said that she knew what the repercussions would be for her actions, but anything was better than having to watch her baby suffer. She knew that I loved him and she knew that he loved me, and she had long accepted that. She also sent her apologies for her husband's behavior, knowing how much I hated him and also how much her words meant to me. I wish I could have sent her a thank-you or something, but then I would have just gotten Rori in even more trouble.

I spent the rest of the summer in high hopes, just waiting for the day that Rori would return to me…

**-------------**

It was a chilly morning in early August of 2001 when Rori gave his mom her last hug goodbye and snuck out his bedroom window for Cheyne's. Their goodbye was full of tears and fear, but they both knew that Japan was where he belonged. Back in Japan with Tatsuha, away from any harm that his father could do to him. He told his mother about the P.O. Box, the one thing that his father hadn't discovered yet, and gave her the key, promising her that he would send her letters to keep in touch. Then, as quickly and quietly as he had snuck out every night over the summer, Rori left, climbing down the rose-free lattice and onto the ground. He gave one last wave to his mother as he ran, terrified of turning around to see his father's angry face chasing him.

He made it to Cheyne's a couple of minutes later, as they both living in the same little subdivision, and they were on the road soon after. On the way to the airport, they talked about the fun times they had spend together and how glad they were that they got to spend some more time with each other, even if it was only for a year. Their goodbye at the airport was as tear-filled as the one he had shared with his mother and they hugged each other, promising to write, once more before Rori climbed on the plane.

Rori checked his watch and sighed. He had made it and his father didn't know anything about it. Well, not yet at least. Wiping the new tears from his eyes, Rori looked out his window and waved at Cheyne, who was staring in a lost sort of way out the window. She smiled and waved back, running off in hysterics as the plane stared to move.

Rori sighed once again, heavier than before, almost as if he were setting a wild animal that he loved but knew he couldn't keep free. It was a lot more painful than he thought it would have been, but he was relieved. Now he could live in peace.

These thoughts drifted Rori's head as he closed his eyes, drifting off into a peaceful sleep as the plane took flight.

He was awoken by the pilot a few minutes later as he came over the intercom, announcing that they would be landing in ten minutes. Rori nearly jumped up from his seat. He had slept almost all fourteen hours? Damn.

The plane did just as the pilot had announced and Rori grabbed his bag and got off the plane fifteen minutes later, making sure that he was the last person off. He saw that the first rays of morning sunlight were just beginning to peek over the horizon and yawned widely. Now the damn jet lag was going to get to him. Oh, well.

Rori made his way through the crowded airport and, since he had no baggage besides his backpack, walked out the doors. He hailed a cab and gave him specific directions, hoping that it wasn't too early. There was somewhere he had to stop at before going to the home his mother had previously bought for him.

As the busy city streets slowly change to quiet countryside, Rori sighed and relaxed in the seat. It finally hit him then, he had made it. He had finally made it back to Japan, to Tatsuha, to…his life, and there was nothing his father could do to get him back! Rori uttered a small laugh at that and closed his eyes against the bright sun… He was back.

He was half asleep again by the time the taxi stopped at his destination, and the driver had to snap at him a few times before he realized that they weren't stopped at a red light. After a few hurried but sincere apologies, Rori paid the driver and go out to walk the rest of the block.

The familiar trees edged into his vision and Rori smiled brightly, breaking out into a full-out run. More familiar landmarks began to show up and he began to slow, stopping at the gates to the old country house. He stood for a few seconds, eyes wide and butterflies thrashing around in his stomach, before finally taking a step inside. One step and then another and then another and then a jog and then a run.

Ignoring his nerves, Rori knocked on the door, smiling as widely and politely as possible at the woman who answered it.

"Excuse me, ma'am." he said, cringing when he heard how rusty his Japanese sounded, "but is Tatsuha here?"

"Of course," the woman said, smiling brightly, "hold on a second," and then she walked off, returning a few seconds later with a rather confused Tatsuha.

"I'm back," Rori whispered, "Tat-kun."

Tatsuha's eyes immediately grew to twice their usual size and he turned to face Rori, smiling brightly at the American.

"Ro-Rori-kun?" Tatsuha asked, voice quavering with every word as he touched Rori's face affectionately.

Rori closed his eyes peacefully against the gentle touches and nodded, wrapping his arms tightly around the man who began to shower his face with kisses and tears. His own tears mixed with Tatsuha's and he kissed his lover passionately, a kiss he had been longing to bestow upon the man since they had been split.

"Aishiteru, Tat-kun," he whispered softly when they pulled apart.

"Aishiteru, koi," Tatsuha managed to get out before breaking into hysteric sobs again.

Rori squeezed Tatsuha tightly, burying his face in his raven locks. He cried silent, happy tears and kissed Tatsuha softly when they pulled apart.

"Sorry," Tatsuha muttered, fingering the wet spot on Rori's shoulder. "I didn't mean to bawl all over you."

"Don't worry about it," Rori said with a smile, lacing his fingers with his lover's, and kissing him again. "I missed you."

Tatsuha smiled brightly, tears still streaming down his face. "I missed you, too," he muttered, "but how did you get here? I mean, I heard from your mom but what about your father? Does he know?"

"I'm alive, aren't I?" Rori mumbled coldly, instantly angered by the mention of his father.

"Don't say that," Tatsuha pleaded and kissed Rori again. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry," Rori said and grinned, turning to the wide-eyed brunette inside the doorway. "Hey, Mika-san, 'member me?"

Mika laughed and nodded. "Rori, I'm guessing? Nice to see you again. You look good!"

"Thanks," Rori said, rubbing the back of his head.

"When did you get here?" Tatsuha asked.

"About half an hour ago, I haven't even been home yet," Rori said, "but I guess I should, huh?"

Tatsuha laughed. "Yeah, that might be a good idea."

"You wanna come with me?" Rori asked, wiping the semi-dried tears away from Tatsuha's face.

"You don't have to ask that twice," Tatsuha said. "And I don't have duties today so you don't have to worry about me gettin' in trouble."

"Well, come on," Rori said, taking Tatsuha by the hand and leading him out. "See ya later, Mika-san."

"Bye, Rori-chan," Mika called and closed the door as the two left, silently thanking God for letting Tatsuha find someone like Rori and hoping that everything would be alright now.

But, little did she know, the worst was yet to come

TBC…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Well, I guess I'll leave at that for now. Tat and Rori are back together. WHOO-HOO! And I only left with a minor cliffhanger and just a tittle bit of suspense. I think that the next chapter will start with a little bit of catch up with Shu and the band, then I'll tell you about their senior of high school and last year together. And is Rori really out of trouble? _shrugs_ It depends on how I feel when I start the next chapter, but it won't be very interesting if his father doesn't come back somehow, now will it?...

And, thanks so much to: **GravityNeko, KageKitsune16, Kitty in the Box, CassiToTheStars, tangerine-asuka, clueless97, Ryuichi Sakuma, shadowcat06, CrystalFlowers, Kaede Yuki, **and **Guren** for all the kick ass reviews! Please, be absolutely truthful and tell me what you think about this chapter. I know that it's really not like any of my other chapters, but I think it's okay. What about you?...

Well, I gots to go. Catch ya'll at the beginning of chapter twelve. Ja!...


	12. Breathe No More

Well, here I am once again. I'm sorry that this took so long, but I had a bitchin' case of writer's block and had to completely restart this thing. The more I thought about Tat and Rori's relationship, the more complicated it got and the more confused I got. I don't care if it's just a fictional relationship; I still want to make it as real as possible…

Okay, as promised, the beginning will be an update on Shu and crew and then I'll finish Tat's story. For those of you who hate this and hate Rori: PLEASE…bare with me. This is the last chapter that's almost completely centered on them, plus I don't think I'm going to talk about many little things like I did last chapter. I'm not saying that this will be the last time that it's talked about, but it's the last time it'll be in so much detail. I promise…

**Disclaimer:** Pigs still can't fly; therefore, I still don't own _Gravitation_. And "Breathe No More" belongs to Evvy. I had to change a word to make it believable for Shu to be singing it, but other than that it's completely theirs…

**Breathe No More…**

A man with cat-like amber eyes stared at the stage in awe as the raven-haired singer took a seat at the piano that had risen from a compartment of the stage. It had been so long since he had seen Shuichi sit at a piano that he had thought for sure that the man had forgotten how to play. But…there he was.

"Okay," Shuichi said into the microphone. "Man, it's been awhile since I've sat at one of these babies." He laughed and so did the crowd. "But…here I am. Now, this song is by a band that we all like very much. This is our last song, I hope you like it."

He started the slow opening, closing his eyes against the emotions that threatened to overcome him, and added the equally mournful lyrics a few seconds later.

_I've been looking in the mirror for so long  
That I've come to believe my souls on the other side.  
All the little pieces fallen, shattered.  
Shards of me,  
Too sharp to put back together,  
Too small to matter,  
But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.  
_

He couldn't believe the amount of emotion that Shuichi was showing on his sweat drenched face. At times, it looked like he was about to break down into tears, but, at others, it looked as if he had been relieved of some kind of overwhelming pain. And the lyrics, well, he just hoped that they were speaking of the past and not the present.

_If I try to touch him,  
And I bleed,  
I bleed,  
And I breathe,  
I breathe no more._

People in the crowd took out their lighters and started waving them back and forth in the air. Yuki would have done the same if he hadn't started to try and quit smoking. Instead, he closed his eyes and leaned against the back wall, losing himself in the power of Shuichi's voice.

_Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well.  
Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child.  
Lie to me,  
Convince me that I've been sick forever,  
And all of this,  
Will make sense when I get better.  
I know the difference,  
Between myself and my reflection.  
I just can't help but to wonder,  
Which of us do you love.  
_

Ah, then there was that verse. Yuki's eyes snapped open and he gazed at the singing man in question. He didn't know what he should think about that. For a brief second, Shuichi gazed back into the amber orbs and closed his eyes to concentrate on the words again.

_So I bleed,  
I bleed,  
And I breathe,  
I breathe now...  
Bleed,  
I bleed,  
And I breathe,  
I breathe,  
I breathe-  
I breathe no more._

Shuichi played out the end of the song on the piano and opened his eyes to the roar of the crowd. He smiled brightly and stood up, giving the crowd a quick wave before disappearing backstage. Yuki followed a few seconds later, blending into the groupies that had won free backstage passes from radio stations or other contests.

Yuki stood around for a few minutes and then slipped back to Shuichi's dressing room, the only place where they could talk without the fear of being disturbed. He took a seat on one of the trunks full of clothes and/or other touring things and waited for Shuichi to make it to the room.

A few minutes later, the doorknob turned and Shuichi walked in with a smile. The smile disappeared, however, when he saw the man who was sitting in his room.

"Hi, Eiri," he muttered and locked the door behind him.

"Hey, Shu," Yuki replied. "Good concert."

"Thanks," Shuichi said and gave him an emotionless smile, not bothering to look at his face.

Yuki watched as Shuichi walked around the room, cleaning some things up as he walked, and sighed. This was not the way he wanted their conversation to start out. Shuichi walked past him and Yuki lightly latched onto his arm.

"Shu, why are you pacing?"

"I'm not pacing," he said and pulled his arm out of Yuki's hand. "I'm just cleaning the room up. It's a mess."

"No," Yuki started, "you're doing what you do when something's on your mind. What is it?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it."

"You're lying to me."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"FINE! It's you. You're on my mind. You're always on my mind! I can't get you out. I should be thinking of Tatsuha because he's back in Tokyo alone and probably worried that I'm gonna do something unfaithful. And do you know how many times I almost have? I can't do it. I can't put him through anymore pain."

"But you haven't done anything, that's the good thing. It's not like we're in a relationship or anything like that. We're just friends."

"Yeah, and our friendship will end up turning into something more if I'm not careful. I don't want to cheat on Tatsuha! I love him more than anything and wouldn't do anything to hurt him."

"Except sleep with me and slit your wrists," Yuki muttered under his breath.

"I heard that, and that was how many months ago? I was confused and upset; now I'm happy. I don't want to do anything to hurt him."

"Okay, okay. I didn't mean to strike a nerve or anything like that. I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it."

Shuichi started pacing the room again and Yuki smiled softly, but didn't say anything. It was true, they were just friends and, as much as he would regret thinking this to himself, Tatsuha deserved Shuichi way more than he ever did. Of course, his past had been difficult too, but it had happened six years before he had met Shuichi. It had been plenty of time for him to forget about Kitazawa but he hadn't and that had been his fault, but Tatsuha… He lost Rori two years ago and, as good of a front as Tatsuha put on, Yuki knew that he wasn't over him. You could never get over losing someone you loved.

At some point of his thinking, Shuichi had stopped pacing and sat down with his head in his hands. He looked up at Yuki and opened his mouth to say something, then shook his head and looked back down at his feet.

"What, Shuichi?" Yuki asked with a smile.

"I…I dunno what I was gonna say."

"Why did you sing that song, Shuichi?"

Shuichi jumped slightly at the question and put his head back in his hands. "Because I like it."

"You're lying again."

"Alright, alright, it's because it makes me think."

"About what?"

"Everything," he sighed and finally looked Yuki in the eye. "About my life, about you, about Tatsuha, about…so many other things that I can't even think of right now. It's a beautiful song and it just reminds me of so much. I like it when songs make me think, especially ones that I like."

"Why does it make you think of me?"

"Because, even though I don't want to love you and even though you say that you don't love me, I know that you do. But which of me do you love? When I'm happy and cute you get that look in your eye that says that your trying as hard as you can to not kiss me, but I still need to watch out because you might slip. But, when I'm sad and depressed all we do is fight. It's like the song says…'I know the difference/between myself and my reflections/I just can't help but to wonder/which of us do you love.' Which of me do you love, Yuki? I'll never be my old self again…my reflection…and I want you to know that."

Yuki sighed and looked away from Shuichi's violet eyes. "I know that."

"Do you?"

Yuki sighed and jumped as a knock sounded on the door.

"Shuichi? Come on, we gotta go," Hiro called.

"I'll be there in a minute, Hiro. I'll meet you at the bus," Shuichi called.

"'Kay." Hiro's shadow disappeared from the window and Shuichi looked back at Yuki.

"I have to go. Are you going to follow us to Osaka?"

"I don't think so. I need to work and think some things over. I may call you," Yuki said and stood up.

"Okay," Shuichi said and gave Yuki a quick hug before unlocking the door and disappearing out of it.

Yuki stood and waited for a few minutes to let the crowd die down a bit, and then disappeared out the door himself, headed back for Tokyo.

**-------------**

_(A/N: Now, to your displeasure, it's time to hear the rest of Tatsuha's story)_

When Rori left for America, it felt like my world had stopped spinning, but when he returned, it started spinning again except it started too fast. I think that he would still be here today if things had of gone slower, but, then again, maybe he wouldn't be. Slowing things down is just away to delay the inevitable, isn't it, and I should have known from the day I met him that Rori would end up dying in some kind of horrible way, and don't think any other way could have been more horrible. When I found him that night, my world stopped spinning again, and I don't think it's ever picked up again. Mika's tried helping me and God knows how much Shuichi has tried to make me happy, but he's not Rori. No one can replace him.

I'm getting ahead of myself, though, aren't I? Yeah, but I want to get this story over as fast as I possibly can. He's still in my dreams and I think that finally telling this will get him to go away, if only for a little while. I can't stand seeing him without being able to physically touch him. It's just too much.

Anyway, when he returned life went back to being as normal as it possibly could. I spent most of my free time at his house and, at school, we had all the same classes. It was heaven. We never had to be without the other. He would even come to the temple with me and watch me while I worked whenever he could. Then, when I quit, I think it's safe to say that I moved into his house. By then, I think my father had a good idea of what was going on, especially after Eiri and Shu, but never said anything. He didn't want Rori to do to me what Eiri had done to Shu. I know that he wouldn't have, but that's a different story for Shuichi to tell you on a different day.

Well, half way through the year, our relationship began to crumble. You see, his parents moved back to Japan, but he conveniently forgot to tell me that bit of information. That wasn't what caused our relationship to fall apart, but it was the first hairline fracture.

I called his house one day to ask him if we were still going out that night and a woman answered the phone. I knew that the voice wasn't his mother's and, not wanting to blow up on the girl, I hung up the phone and walked to his house. By that time the girl was gone but Rori was still there and, unfortunately, in the shower. I barged into the bathroom, yelling and all that good stuff, but when he pulled back that curtain, I think my mouth dropped. The bastard actually had the balls to laugh at me and then take me out into the living room and ask me what my problem was.

When I told him what was wrong, his eyes started to get downcast and he wouldn't look at me, no matter how hard or often I hit him. It really pissed me off, but it worried me more. If he couldn't look me in the eye and tell me why he had a woman at his house, what else couldn't he tell me? I mean, how hard could it have been for him to tell me that he got sick of having sex with me and wanted a good fuck? It wouldn't take much for me to say, but I had changed in the year we were apart, he hadn't.

In time, I did get him to break down and tell me why she was there, and that's when he told me about his parents returning to Japan. He didn't tell me where they lived or why they were back, but he said that the good thing was that his mother wouldn't tell his father where he lived so he was safe. For the time being, anyway.

I had no idea what a woman sleeping at his house had to do with his parents returning to Japan, though. I realized that his father was a dickhead, but if he didn't know where he lived then how could he send woman to his home? I was so confused and furious and that really doesn't make a good combination with me. I yelled, I hit, I spit on him, and I stomped out of his house in a rage. He took it all and his face looked so sad and that didn't make my temper any better. I thought that he was feeling sorry for cheating on me so I got even angrier. I didn't want his remorse; I wanted him to feel what I was feeling. Pain, anger, sorrow, fear, I wanted him to feel every last goddamn one.

I went home and took some time to calm down. Somewhere in my mind, I knew the truth but I wouldn't accept it. I don't know why because his father was the type of person that would do that, but I had gotten so used to life with his personally made hell that I didn't want to believe that he was back. Ridiculous, I know, but would be able to accept it?

Our relationship slowly crumbled into nothing. As much as I loved him, I wouldn't listen to a word that Rori had to say. I avoided him at all costs, I didn't want to spend any time with him, I hung up on him whenever he called, _I_ turned into the dickhead. I was horrible to Rori, but he still tried, dammit. He didn't want to give up, and neither did I but I still didn't want to accept that fact that his father was doing all the damage. I had been in my own personal Utopia, heaven, whatever you want to call it. I couldn't believe that I had been ripped out of it so carelessly.

I got so depressed that I almost contemplated cutting myself, but I never did. I was stronger than that. I'm not saying that Rori and Shuichi are weak, but I wasn't going to give into something so horrible. I refused to tarnish my skin with scars that took too long to go away.

Our fight went on for…God, a couple of months. I think it was well into February when we stopped fighting, and that was only because he invited me to go to dinner at his parent's house. Why? I have no clue, but I agreed. I hoped that I could get a swing or two in at his dad, doubting that nothing would really happen. Maybe he had finally accepted Rori and my relationship. Yeah, right, but maybe. Just maybe.

I met Rori at his house and he hailed a taxi so we could go. We had a good talk on the way to his parent's house, but it wasn't good enough. I was still angry at him and he was still confused on why I was so angry. I tried getting the point through but he still didn't understand, so I gave up.

When the taxi pulled up in front of Rori's old house, we both took deep breaths and walked up to the door, Rori slipping his hand into mine on the way up. I laid my head on his shoulder and took another deep breath, praying that his father wouldn't answer the door when we got up there. Thankfully, the Man seemed to listen to me because his mother answered with a large smile and hugs for both of us. We took them gratefully and she led us inside, telling Rori that his father was out back if he wanted to talk to him. Rori nodded and left, leaving me to help his mother with dinner, which I did gratefully.

I don't know what was said between Father and son out in the garden, but I didn't hear any yelling. That was when I started getting my hopes up, maybe his father had finally accepted our relationship, after all. Like before, it was very doubtful but maybe he did.

Dinner was put onto the table and everyone sat around it, Rori's father _trying_ to be as polite as he could. I actually thought that it was pretty funny because I could tell that he was trying his hardest not to reach out and snap both Rori and my necks. You should have seen the dirty looks that I got from him. I had to keep biting my knuckle to keep from laughing, and even had to excuse myself to the bathroom once so I could get it out.

On my way back down the hallway to the kitchen, I heard Tatsuha's father saying a bunch of shit. He wondered why he was still with me after he sent all the girls to his house and wondered if he had actually slept with any of them. My heart swelled why pride and guilt when Rori defiantly said no. I heard his mother start to yell for "Joseph" to sit down, but he yelled over her. The last thing that I wanted was for Rori to get hurt, so I walked casually into the dining room, pretending that I hadn't heard anything, and wandered over to my chair.

Unfortunately, Rori's father directed his anger toward me and I soon found myself pinned to a wall with a hand around my throat. (Why does everyone go after my throat, dammit?) Rori struggled with his father to get him off me but his father was relentless. He had a point to prove to me, and who cared if he killed me in the process? At least then he'd finally have me out of the way.

Somehow, I managed to get the strength to push him off of me and he fell onto the ground. I jumped on him and hit him as hard as I could. I didn't care where I hit him, just as long as I got _my_ point through. I wasn't leaving Rori and I was anything but afraid of the man that was bleeding underneath me. I was yelling so loud that my voice went hoarse, but I didn't stop. That bastard had put me and Rori through so much pain and I wanted him to feel what Rori felt every time he pulled his belt off. After getting at least a dozen hits in, Rori managed to lift me away from his father, still yelling and kicking and screaming for him to let me go. Thankfully, he didn't but he pulled out into the back yard and sat me on a bench with an arm around my waist.

I put my head on his shoulder and started to cry. I was so angry and confused that I actually didn't remember what I had done. All I knew was that I had blood on my fists and clothes. Rori laughed and told me what I did; laughing even harder at the smile I gave him when he was done. I had finally done it. I had finally gotten the balls to get my point through to his father. I wasn't going anywhere in the near future and he better get used to it.

Once Rori was convinced that I was calm enough to walk past his bleeding father, he led me back inside, an arm still around my waist, and said his goodbyes to his mother and father before walking out the front door with me. He didn't even bother apologizing. I think he had as much fun watching his father getting the shit beat of him as I had doing it.

After that, our relationship started to build up again and we went on our tainted lives, the year getting inevitably closer and closer to graduation…

­**-------------**

Rori sat quietly in class, watching the clock slowly tick by as his first period teacher began his day's preaching. He yawned quietly and glanced over at the desk beside him with a smile. Tatsuha was late…again. God, the man had turned into such a slacker since the New Year.

The classroom's door opened and Rori glanced sideways at the doorway, smile growing larger as he recognized the innocently smiling man in the doorway. Tatsuha entered the classroom and took a seat at his desk, acting like nothing had even happened. The teacher, already peeved that Tatsuha had been late the entire week, but on his best mean scowl and thundered over to the man's desk, towering over him in all of his über scary glory.

"May I ask why you are late again, Uesugi?" the teacher asked, arms crossed over his chest.

"This morning I had to inform my father that I am planning on going to college, which also meant telling him that I am going to quit at the temple. Needless to say, he got a little pissed and we got in a fight," Tatsuha said smartly, a small, almost innocent smile playing across his features.

Rori looked away and had to bite on his fist to keep himself from laughing at the look on the teacher's face. He heard the teacher audibly growl and had to bite down even harder.

"Well then, you know well what the consequences are for being late. No lunch today, and, since this was your fourth offense this week, an essay on how hard it is for little boys such as yourself to get into college when they are late to school every day." With that, the teacher turned his back on Tatsuha and returned to the front of the class room.

Rori finally got a grip on himself and took a deep breath before looking back to the front of the classroom. When the teacher finally turned his back, Rori grinned and tapped Tatsuha on the elbow, his blue eyes shining Tatsuha looked back.

"Nice job, Uesugi. Now we can't spend lunch together," he whispered indignantly, his smile turning to a scowl. "How come you always gotta show up late? Next, we won't be able to spend any time together."

Tatsuha smiled and poked his boyfriend playfully on the cheek. "Oh, I don't think I'll let that happen," he said mischievously.

Rori felt the blush creeping up his cheeks, but he kept the frown on his face. "You're father would flip if he really knew where you went after school, ya know?" he said dangerously. "When are you planning on saying something to him?"

"I'll do it when I feel like it, and he shouldn't be too hard. He was fine with Eiri."

The other man smirked and shook his head. "Yes, but Eiri wasn't a rebellious little prick, was he?"

Tatsuha shook his head and grinned proudly. "Nope," he said, "and neither was I until Dad decided to try and track my every move."

Rori laughed quietly and punched Tatsuha lightly in the arm. "It suits you, though."

Tatsuha laughed and the teacher turned around with another of his audible animal noises.

"Jacobson, since you are so bent on conversing with your friend, why don't you spend lunch with him?" the teacher growled.

"Fine with me," Rori said and leaned back in his chair, grinning innocently at the scowling Tatsuha next to him. "What?" he whispered.

Tatsuha chuckled and rolled his eyes, pulling out his books as the teacher started to give notes and go over the play they had currently been reading.

The rest of the day passed about the same. Rori had been looking forward to getting some free time with Tatsuha at lunch, but his teacher decided to make it supervised. They couldn't talk, couldn't write back and forth, they were forbidden to have any source of communication, and the teacher made this clear by making them sit on opposite sides of the classroom. They each got an assignment that the teacher refused to help them on, so neither of them did it. The teacher got pissed, but he knew that he shouldn't have expected more. They were bent on getting into college and did the work that would get them in. He shouldn't have expected any more or any less.

When the final bell of the day finally rang, Rori was ready to go. He didn't think that he had had a day that long since he had been taken back to America and that had been a _long_ ass day. He walked out of the school and into the cold snow a few minutes later with Tatsuha and his backpack. They walked in silence for a while until Tatsuha put an arm around Rori and pulled him close. Rori sighed and put his head on Tatsuha's shoulder, snaking his hand around Tatsuha's waist as well.

"Tatsuha?" Rori asked. "Do you piss him off on purpose?"

"Who? My father or our jackass teacher?"

"Either one. You always wanted to be a monk and now you've quit that to go to college, but your grades are suffering so badly that no one is even sure if you'll make it into college. Both of them know that you have a lot of potential, just like your brother, but you're not using it."

"Please don't compare me to Eiri, Rori," Tatsuha muttered. "I am nothing like him."

"Sorry, Tat-kun, it's just, I dunno…I'm worried that you won't make it into college."

"Worrying only makes things worse," Tatsuha mumbled and let go of his lover so he could lead him up to his apartment.

"I can't help it," Rori said while they stood in the elevator. "Brooding is my specialty; you of all people should know that."

"I know. How's your mother doing?"

Rori laughed. "She's fine. Not gonna ask about my father."

"Hell no," Tatsuha laughed, and stopped at the foot of the stairs to Rori's apartment so the brunette could lead the way up.

They went up the ten stories in silence and, when they got up to Rori's apartment, Rori kept the silence by kissing Tatsuha deeply. He led the way over to the couch and sat down, pulling Tatsuha into his lap. They pulled apart to breathe a few seconds later, and Tatsuha grinned.

"Last night wearin' off?" he joked, poking Rori playfully on the nose.

"Just a little," Rori said and moved in to kiss Tatsuha again, but was stopped by a hand over his lips.

"We need to study for finals. Those acceptance letters won't do us any good when the come if we don't pass finals," he said with an evil smile.

Rori sighed and picked Tatsuha up, setting him on the couch next to him. "God, you _do_ know how the ruin the mood, Tat-kun."

"I know," Tatsuha said with an innocent smile. "I can't help what I'm good at."

Rori smiled and winced as his phone rang, splitting through the headache he hadn't gotten rid of since lunch. He sighed and grabbed the phone when Tatsuha tossed it to him.

"Hello?" he asked, fully aware that Tatsuha was listening.

…

"Yeah, I know. I'm working on it."

…

"I know. When I get it I'll send it to you, but until then I can't do anything about it. I'm sorry."

…

"How much is it?"

…

Rori sucked in air and silently cursed at his luck. "Okay," he sighed. "I'll have it next week."

…

"Alright. Thank you, sir." He hung up the phone and smiled at the man frowning in concern next to him.

"What was that Ror?" Tatsuha asked, brow furrowed in thought.

"Nothing, don't worry about it. It's someone from where Dad works. I need to take care of something over there later on," he lied.

Tatsuha looked at him for a second longer in suspicion and then shook his head. "Whatever you say."

"That's what I say," he muttered and got his books out. "Now what're we studying first?"

They studied and studied and studied for the next couple of days. Rori had to call off one of their sessions, though, so he could meet with the person that had called him earlier that week. Tatsuha agreed reluctantly, but thankfully didn't ask anymore questions. Rori didn't think he would have been able to lie to him again if he had to.

Rori went to his parent's house that day after school, knowing that his father wouldn't be home for a couple of hours and he could talk to his mother freely. When he got to the front door, he raised a hesitant fist to the door to knock, hating what he was about to ask of his mother but knowing that he couldn't go without her help. He knocked quietly, sighing when he heard his mother call out a reply and then answer the door a few seconds later.

"Oh, Rori, hi!" she exclaimed and stepped aside. "Come on in, sweetie. It's been ages since we last talked, hasn't it?"

Rori kept his eyes locked on his shoes and nodded. "Yeah, it has."

Laura, sensing her son's pain, reached out and laid a hand on Rori's shoulder. "What's wrong, sweetie?"

"Mom, I…I…can you loan me some money? I'm out of what you gave me before and my debit card won't work because I know that dad shut off my account. I'm behind in my rent and the people are going to kick me out soon if I don't pay it this month," he said, breaking down into tears.

"Oh, honey," his mother said and hugged him. "Of course I will."

"No you won't," a voice from up the stairs thundered and Rori looked up to see his father standing at the top with a scowl.

"But, Joseph. He needs it and you shut off his accounts so he can't pay it," his mother pleaded, standing protectively in front of her son in case her husband decided to do anything stupid.

"Cry me a fuckin' river," his father growled and walked down the stairs with the most fiendish grin he ever gave. "Oh, wait, y'already are."

He pushed his wife away from Rori and bore down up on his son like a lion taking his kill.

"You're gonna get you're cryin' ass out of my house and you're gonna get a fuckin' job and you're gonna pay your own goddamn bills," his father roared and shoved him out of the house, closing and locking the door behind him.

Rori stood on the doorstep for a few minutes longer, in a complete daze, and looked behind him. He couldn't believe his father could be that coldhearted. All he needed was a couple hundred dollars and he would have been on his way. And he would have paid them back; he had told his mother that he would after all.

Sighing quietly and shaking his head, Rori wiped the tears away from his face and started walking back to his house. Halfway there, a familiar voice called out from somewhere on the street and he turned to see Tatsuha calling him from a taxi.

"Please stay here, sir," he heard the raven-haired man mumble and then Tatsuha ran across the street. "Rori, hey. You okay?"

Tatsuha wrapped an arm around Rori's waist and Rori broke down into his shoulder. He sighed and pulled Rori into a tight hug, waiting a few seconds for the man to calm down before leading him across the street and into the taxi. He gave the driver instructions to Rori's place and let the man keep crying into his shoulder.

A quick five minutes later, the driver pulled up to Rori's apartment building and Tatsuha helped Rori out of the cab before paying the man his fee. The driver pulled off and Tatsuha walked, with an arm around Rori, into the building, rode up the elevator, and walked down the hall to his apartment. He unlocked the door with the key he had gotten from Rori and led the man back to his room.

He laid Rori down on his bed and climbed in next to him, pulling the blankets over them and holding the brunette softly.

"Rori, what's wrong?" he whispered to the still heavily crying man.

"Nothing, I just met with my mother, 's all," Rori said. He hated lying to Tatsuha, but he didn't want to make the raven-haired man have to deal with his problems as well as his own.

"Are you sure?" Tatsuha asked quietly,

Rori nodded and Tatsuha left it at that. Rori fell asleep in Tatsuha's arms, praying that everything would get better by this time next week.

It didn't, though. During the next week, his father tried to have him arrested twice. Once for running away and once for robbery. He didn't have to go to jail for running away because he was eighteen, had a job, and a decent place to live. He was legally an adult and was able to somewhat support himself,f so there wasn't a problem with that. He did, however, get thrown into jail overnight for robbery. Tatsuha tried to bail him out, but wasn't able to. After finding out what had happened, his mother rushed to the jail the next morning and told the police that Rori had never stolen anything from them. She had given him the money and he had used it.

His father was furious that he couldn't get Rori into trouble but the more he went to the police to get him into trouble, the more distrustful the police got of him. They knew that he was just an angry and/or jealous father that was just trying to get his child in trouble for unknown reasons.

After that, Rori went into a deep depression. Companies were hounding after him for money, but he couldn't pay all of them because he needed enough money for food. He knew that Tatsuha was beyond worried about him, but Rori still refused to drag him into it, no matter how persistent the man was.

Graduation slowly crawled upon the seniors at his high school and Rori couldn't have been more depressed. He hadn't gotten his college acceptance letter and, as many times as he said that he hadn't gotten his either, he knew that Tatsuha had. Everything was going downhill for him and he didn't know what else to do.

Tatsuha insisted on coming over after school on the day of graduation but Rori refused. He said that he wanted to wait until the ceremony to see Tatsuha again, fully aware that he probably wouldn't. Before Tatsuha left his side, though, he gave him the most passionate kiss he had ever given him.

"What was that for?" Tatsuha asked with a grin.

"Just something to remember me by," Rori said with a humorless smile.

Rori went home alone that day and threw his things on the ground. With a sigh, he picked up his phone and hit the on button. He knew that it would run up that battery, but, with what he planned on doing, he didn't expect to be talking on it much. He went to the back of his house and closed himself in the study, getting out all of his paint and began working on the painting he planned on finishing before he said his goodbyes that night.

It was a painting taken from a photograph of him and Tatsuha earlier that year. It was when they were their happiest. The snow fell around them softly and they stood in the middle of the park, arms around each other's waists and huge, ignorant smiles on their faces. A tear fell down Rori's face and splashed across the photo as Rori compared it and his finished work.

"Perfect," he muttered through a sob and set the picture and painting aside to dry.

He dug around in a corner for clean canvas and cleaned out his brushes, preparing to paint a picture of what would take him away soon. It was of an angel dressed in black with black wings. Her beauty was the mask that she needed to hide herself from unknowing people, but Rori knew that she was sitting in Tatsuha's chair at the desk, watching him with her fingers steepled and fiendish grin on her face.

Rori finished the painting at exactly eight o'clock that night. With a sigh, he cleaned out his last paint brush and wrote the title in the bottom right hand corner ("Angel of Death") and painted his signature. He knew that the graduation ceremonies where starting now but he didn't care. What good would a high school diploma do him where he was planning on going?

Rori left his study for the first time in five hours and went to his room, digging around in his closet for what he knew was there. A six-shooter pistol. He hugged it to his chest in an almost loving gesture and carried back to his studio with him. He crossed the room to his desk and set the gun down on the hard surface before taking a seat, chuckling emotionlessly as a small thought drifted through his head (_I'm sitting on the Angel of Death_), and got out a sheet of paper. He scrolled a salutation across the top, briefly wondering how long it was going to be before he saw him again, before writing the body of the letter.

_Dear Tatsuha._

_I know that you will never forgive me for what I am about to do, but you have to understand that it's the only thing I _can _do. If I don't do this, I'll have to rely on you for the strength and materials to get me back up and going and I don't want to do that. I don't want to heavy your load with my burdens since you are going through so much right now yourself._

_You're probably wondering what I'm talking about, so I'll get to the point because I don't want to leave my friend alone any longer. Remember when we went shopping that first time and my debit card wouldn't work? Yeah, well have you also noticed that I haven't tired using it since then? That's because it wouldn't work anyway. My father closed my accounts so I haven't had access to any money except that which my mother gave me for a year. My job is supporting me, but not enough. I'm able to take care of my utilities, but my landlord is going to be kicking me out of my home soon and I don't have the money to take care of it. I went to my mother to ask her if she could loan me money, but got caught by my father. He kicked me out of the house and left me with this as my only option. He is also the one who tried to get me thrown in jail, well; he succeeded that one time, but not the first. Yeah, he tried two times. The first for running away and the second for robbery. The one I was put in jail was for the robbery charges but Mom helped me out with that one._

_I'm sorry that I'll be leaving you alone, but you'll be so much happier with someone else. If I don't leave then I'll just make life hell for you and I don't want that. I never got an acceptance letter like I know you did, and I don't want to spend four years without you. You mean the world to me, Tatsuha Uesugi, and I wish that I could hold you one last time but I know that I can't. Your good-bye gift is still lingering on my lips and I can still taste you, but it's fading so I want to get this other with. I want to die feeling you, touching you even if you aren't near. I finally finished our painting. I know it took forever, but it's perfect and I want you to have it. Please, take it as something else for you to remember me by. You can also have the one on my easel if you want. I know that my memory will be a painful one, but I'll be watching over you. Whether I'm up in heaven or burning in hell, I'll be watching you._

_Now is my time to leave you. I don't think I can resist its call any longer. It's too strong and I am weak. I hope that you aren't the one that finds this note first, but if you do I am sorry. I never wanted you to see me like you will, so I apologize in advance._

_I love you, koi, as you know. I've shouted it to the world once before and I'll do it once again before I die. Aishiteru, Tatsuha. Goodbye, my love._

_Forever and For Always, Rori_

Rori sighed and put his pen down on the desk, the clicked echoing loudly throughout his desolate home. He read and re-read the letter, making sure it was perfect, before folding it into a rectangle and sticking it into an envelope. In his beautiful cursive script, Rori wrote Tatsuha's name across the front of the envelope and set it on top of the painting of himself and the raven-haired man.

With one more heavy sigh, Rori walked to the window and opened it, letting the crisp, nighttime June air pour into his apartment. He took a deep breathe and stuck his head out the window.

"I LOVE TATSUHA UESUGI!" he yelled and in his mind heard a return call of "and I love Rori Jacobson" in return, but knew that he did not.

Tatsuha's touches were fading fast now, so Rori closed the window and returned to his desk, wrapping his hand around the cold, metal handgrip of the gun.

"I love you, Tatsuha," he whispered through sobs and put the gun to his temple.

A gun shot that could be heard in a one block radius rang out, but no one took the liberty to care. They were too busy to worry about the man who was madly in love but full of depression dying alone in his apartment.

**-------------**

Tatsuha jumped as the principal called his name for him to walk across the stage. Something was wrong, horribly wrong, with Rori, but he couldn't just run out and leave now. With a fake smile plastered across his face that hid none of worry from the beautiful brunette in the crowd, Tatsuha walked gracefully across the stage and shook hands gratefully with his principal before accepting his diploma and exiting at the other side of the stage. He took his seat in the sea of blue hats and robes and put his head in his hands.

_Oh, Rori, where are you? And how are you? Are you okay? I know that you aren't because if you were I wouldn't be feeling this dread in my gut. Oh, Rori, what did you do?_

The rest of the names were finally called and the rest of the seniors in their seats among the sea of blue, and the principal stood in front of the class of 2002 and family and friends and began his goodbye speech. It as long, boring, and did nothing to keep the dread from growing in Tatsuha's stomach.

The ceremony finally ended and Tatsuha ran out of the high school as fast as he could, not bothering to say goodbye to any of his friends and family. As he ran, he pulled his robe off and dialed Rori's number on his cell phone, cursing when it was busy. He tore his way up the stairs of Rori's building and across the lobby, barely hearing the receptionist as she yelled that there was to be no running in the lobby. He frantically pushed the up button on the closet elevator, fumbling with the keychain in his pocket for Rori's key as he waited. The doors finally opened an eternity later and Tatsuha threw himself in, slumping against the wall and taking great heaving breaths while he did his best not to cry.

The elevator finally stopped outside the tenth story and Tatsuha dashed out the doors before they even opened all the way, calling out an apology as he ran into a woman who was waiting to get inside. He reached Rori's door leaned against it, focusing everything he had on his hearing so he would know if Rori was inside. When he didn't hear anything, that just made him even more nervous, and he stuck the key up to the whole. He had to use two hands, one for the key and one to steady the other, but he finally succeeded in opening the door.

He pulled the heavy wood door open and a coppery, metallic smell instantly filled his nose, filling him with an immediate sense of nausea. Every light in the house was off and he checked the phone in the living room to see that it was hanging off the hook.

"Rori?" he called out, pulling his shirt up over his nose to block out as much of the horrible smell as he could. "Rori, where are you?"

When there was no answer, Tatsuha became even more frantic and started to search all of the rooms. Rori's bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen, even the closets…he checked them all, but there was no sign of his brunette lover anywhere in the house.

Tatsuha stood in the middle of the living room, a look of painful detachment on his face as he finally let his tears fall down his face. Rori wasn't there; he hadn't been to graduation…where was he? He didn't no where else Rori could be. He was about to give up when he remembered Rori's blessed "studio", the one that his lover spent countless hours in making beautiful artwork. Preparing himself for the worst, Tatsuha made his way back to the room, not acknowledging the figure that had entered the apartment's doorway seconds before.

The door was open and, as he made his way down the hall, Tatsuha realized that the smell got stronger the closer he got to the door. A sob snuck its way past his lips as he resisted the urge to make a detour into the bathroom and throw up. After what seemed to be an eternity of suspense and concern, Tatsuha finally entered the room full of art.

With a hand over his mouth and eyes open wide in suspense, Tatsuha fumbled with the light switch on the wall. The first thing he saw was blood. It was every where. Then, he let his eyes trail further and further down to the ground and he saw the body of his lover lying here, blood pouring from what was left of his head.

A bloodcurdling scream rang out through the apartment and Tatsuha collapsed to the ground. He didn't hear the footsteps as someone ran up behind him and didn't know who wrapped their arms around him, but he really didn't care. Rori was gone. He was actually gone.

A female voice whispered words of condolence into Tatsuha's ear and he finally realized that it was Mika. He pulled his sister as close to him as he possibly could and sobbed even harder into her shoulder, moaning incoherent words about Rori and what he saw and…everything.

Mika made "sh"ing sounds and rubbed Tatsuha's back softly, finally managing to calm him down enough so he could stand, and led him away from the scene to the living room. She sat Tatsuha down on the couch and picked up Rori's phone, cursing when she saw that it was dead. She sat down next to Tatsuha, letting the man lay into her shoulder, and dialed 911 on her cell phone. She reported the suicide and gave them Rori's address and hung up, returning all of her attention to the delusional man lying next to her.

Tatsuha's skin was so pale and his eyes were wide and blank, lost and confused.

"It's my fault," he muttered. "I should have seen it coming. I ignored all the warning signs and this is what I get in return."

"No," Mika cooed and gently pushed her brother's bangs out of his eyes, "it's not your fault, sweetie. We all should have seen it coming after everything he's been through. It's not your fault."  
The telltale sounds of sirens rang out on the street below and the flashing lights lit up the apartment like the sun. A few seconds later, she heard a loud knock on the door and she lifted herself up from the couch, letting Tatsuha curl into the fetal position and just lay there, and turned on a light on the way to the door. The light stung her eyes, but she ignored it and answered the door, telling the paramedics and police where he was before returning to Tatsuha's side.

One of the police came back a few seconds later with an envelope and flipped open a notebook.

"Which one of you is Tatsuha?" he asked.

"He is," Mika said and took the envelope from the officer and handed it to the broken man. "Here, sweetie, I think it's from Rori."

Tatsuha reached out gingerly and took the envelope, a sob escaping his lips as he ran a finger over Rori's fine script. Carefully, he pulled the flap out of the envelope and pulled out the letter. He unfolded the paper slowly, almost as if he thought it would burn his skin, and read the letter thoroughly. Mika read the letter over his shoulder, sobs escaping their lips in unison in just the right places, and, when Tatsuha folded the letter up and replaced it in the envelope an eternity later, Mika heard him whisper something under his breath.

"I love you, Rori Jacobson," he whispered and hugged the letter closely to his chest.

"Were you related to him?" the officer asked as he took a seat on the arm of the couch.

"I was in love with him. I _am_ in love with him," Tatsuha whispered and Mika saw the officer scrawl something down in his notebook.

"So you were his lover?" The officer sounded rather disgusted, but Tatsuha was in too much pain to notice it. Instead, he just nodded and closed his eyes.

"Which of you arrived first?" he asked.

"Tatsuha arrived first, but I followed," Mika explained. "Rori never showed up to graduation and Tatsuha knew that something was wrong. I knew as well and didn't want Tatsuha to be alone, no matter what scene he walked in on."

The officer nodded his head and wrote some more things in his book. "Did he show any warning signs of his depression? Or that he was going to commit suicide?"

"Of course he was depressed," Tatsuha said coldly. "His father's a bastard and wrecked his life. I never thought that he would commit suicide, though."

"His father? What did his father do to him?"

Tatsuha snorted and shrugged. "What didn't he do? He beat him, took him away from me, almost killed him, got him arrested, took away all of his money. His father is a psycho! I don't even know why he's allowed to walk the streets."

"So he showed signs of depression, but not suicidal behavior?"

"Well, he cut himself, but that's all. It wasn't suicidal behavior, though; he had control over it and obviously didn't slit his wrists. He used that as a coping mechanism, no matter how much I hated it."

The officer nodded some more and wrote some more and asked questions until Tatsuha was worn out. By the time he was finished, the paramedics had already hauled Rori out in a body bag, but Tatsuha hadn't seen it. When the man tipped his hat, Mika couldn't thank the officer enough for the distraction.

"Don't worry about it, ma'am," he whispered and turned to Tatsuha. "I'm sorry for your loss, Tatsuha, and if you need anyone to talk to about it, call him." He handed Tatsuha a card and shook his hand before leaving.

Mika called Touma a few minutes later and he drove as fast as he could to Rori's, meeting them at the curb so they could take Tatsuha home. Mika explained everything to him and, when the arrived at the temple, Touma got out and helped Mika take Tatsuha back to his room before meeting with everyone else in the living room.

"What's happened?" Shuichi asked once they returned.

"Rori…committed suicide," Mika said and everyone gasped, it would have been comical had the moment not been so serious.

"I can't believe it," her father muttered. "Why did he do such a thing?"

"Tatsuha will let you read the letter when he's ready and that will answer all of your questions, but, until then, I'm not going to tell you anything."

The group nodded and spanned out. Shuichi went back to Tatsuha's room to offer him company and ended up falling asleep back there. Mika went back and couldn't help but let a smile bloom across her face when she saw Shuichi lying on his side next to Tatsuha's bed roll, one hand under his head as a pillow and the other gently holding Tatsuha's hand.

Slowly, a week passed, but still no one could believe what had happened. Rori's funeral was held the second weekend of June and everyone went. Tatsuha begged sadly for them to open the coffin so he could see Rori's face on more time, but no one would. Nor would anyone tell him that there was probably nothing left to Rori's face. The funeral was full of tears, the most shed when Tatsuha got up to say words about his broken lover. When he was done, Rori's mother embraced him gently and his father actually shook his hand and apologized. After reading Rori's letter, he said that the only person he had to blame for the incident was himself. And he announced that to the crowd in a mixture of shame and pride. Not pride for killing his son, but pride for finally being able to say that he was wrong and Rori had, indeed, always been right.

Tatsuha started therapy a few days later, first going with Mika and/or Touma, but was finally able to go by himself after a while. He got a lot out, but was never able to talk about Rori's suicide. Until now that is. Now, he's told his story and has finally said goodbye to the love of his life…forever and for always.

TBC…

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A/N: Damn, this was a hell of a lot longer than I thought it would be. I was only expecting four or five quick, incomprehensible pages, but by the time I got back to Rori I was good to go. Call me morbid but that's the part I was looking forward to. This isn't it for Rori, but, as said before, this is it for the big stuff. Tatsuha never told Shuichi that he and Rori were lovers, so that's gonna have to come up sooner or later. And, yes, I realize that some of this stuff was reused from the dream in chapter ten, but the dream wasn't actually a dream. It was of past memories and it's what actually happened, so I didn't want to tell it differently…

Now…what about Yuki and Shu? It sounds like Shuichi's finally opened his eyes and knows that it's wrong to hurt Tatsuha, but will hormones take over? I dunno yet, but after writing this I really wish that Tatsuha were real so I could give him a big hug. I feel bad for putting him through so much, but I guess I had to. Well, I didn't _have _to, but…I dunno. I'm just gonna shut up now…

Thanks to: **KageKitsune16, GravityNeko, Sammy -.-zzz, clueless97, animegirl12182, Ryuichi Sakuma, sakurya, Kitty in the Box, Crystal Flowers, CassiToTheStars, shadowcat06, Guren, TaraYukiUesugi,** and **my Mary-chan **for the, once again, kick ass reviews. I'm glad that you all care somewhat about this and have taken the time to read it. It's been hard for me, but I'm not gonna say why. You'll find that out at the end…

Well, I'm out. Look forward to more of the "normal" stuff concerning Shu and Co. in the next chapter. It should be interesting. Ja!...


	13. Writer's Block

Finally, after what felt to me like an eternity, here's chapter thirteen. WHOO-HOO! But now I've decided that I REALLY, REALLY HATE WRITER'S BLOCK! Ugh! I don't know how many times I had to refrain from bashing my head against my wall while trying to come up with this. But then, the other day, my last brain gnome came to me and said… "Why do you have to be such an idiot, Nichole?" And I replied… "Why, I don't know what you're talking about, disembodied voice." And the gnome replied… "Why don't you use your writer's block as the basis for your next chapter!" And I said… "Awesome idea, brain gnome. Thanks!" And, so I used it and put Shu through the same thing that I've gone through for the past month or so!…

Anywho, that's really all I have to say except thanks for your patience in waiting for this chapter and the whole Rori/Tatsuha thing. And thank you so much to those of you who showed sympathy when I was sick. Actually, the bronchitis is still hangin' on for as long as it can, but I've gotten used to it so I really don't care anymore…

Okay…on with the chapter!…

**Disclaimer: **I'm too lazy for this. You know that I don't own it, so you can't sue me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…

**Writer's Block…**

The two months and three days that have passed since Bad Luck finally returned to Tokyo from their _Cover Story_ tour went by almost as quickly as the tour itself did. The band went back to living their half-way normal lives and everyone went back to the old grind. This meant, of course, that it was back to spending any and all free time at NG writing and, eventually, recording new songs for the band's next album. The only problem with this…Shuichi had a terrible case of writer's block.

He had forced himself to write at least once everyday, but that had only made matters worse. Is it even possible for someone to write something good when they have to force themselves to connect lead and paper? No, it's not, and Shuichi had had to find that out the hard way.

While taking a break from his latest forced writing session, Shuichi walked back to the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror.

_Why do you insist on doing this to yourself, Shindou?_ he thought. _Are you trying to drive yourself insane?_

The faintest hints of a smile tugged at the corners of his lips and he turned on the water, splashing some of the lukewarm liquid over his face.

_God, that feels good._

While drying his face off with the towel on the counter, a sharp pain shot through Shuichi's mouth and he opened his mouth, sticking out his tongue. He laughed quietly as he examined Ben's latest recreation and failed "remedy" for writer's block…

_…Flashback…_

"Hey, Shu-chan!" Ben yelled as he entered the large apartment. Tatsuha had gone home for the past week and Ben had been chosen for "babysitting" Shuichi.

Shuichi cringed away from the booming voice that penetrated through his newest headache. "What's up, Ben?" he asked, laying his pencil down next to the piece of paper full of doodles and scratched out lyrics.

"Not much," Ben said and sat down on the couch behind where Shuichi was seated on the floor. "How's the writer's block coming?"

"Still like a bitch," Shuichi said and stretched, "and I think I'm going to go insane."

Ben laughed and patted Shuichi lightly on the back. "That's just what I wanted to hear."

Shuichi turned around and looked at the American as if he were crazy. "You wanted to hear that I was going insane? You like the fact that I can't think properly?" the singer snarled at his drummer.

The smile on Ben's faded, only to be replaced by a concerned frown. "I was only joking. I was just glad to hear it because I want to try out my newest writer's block remedy."

Shuichi laughed. "Remedy? So is that's what you're calling them now?"

Ben nodded and Shuichi laughed harder. "What?" the blonde asked. "I never said home remedies, but they are remedies."

"So you're telling me that meditation, yoga, banging my head against a wall, reading a few dumb books, and wacking off are _remedies_?" Shuichi asked through laughter. Ben nodded. "Well, I'm sorry, but if this one is half as bad as the last then I think I'm gonna have to pass."

"Aw, come on, Shu-chan!" Ben pleaded. "This one is really good and I think it'll work. Pain always gets the brain juices flowing."

"Pain? _Pain?_" Shuichi looked at Ben as if he thought that he was the strangest person in the world. "You want to put me in pain so I can write? Don't you think I'm in enough pain right now?"

"Well, yeah, but this is a different kind of pain."

"How so is that?" Shuichi asked and turned his attention back to doodling in his book; quickly beginning to doubt the American's so called "remedy" even more.

"Well," Ben started out with a large breath, "you have a lot of emotional pain right now. Maybe a little physical pain will jolt some juices up in that brain of yours."

Shuichi stuck his arms out and let the blonde look over the newest wounds on them, smirking when he saw the man cringe away.

"Okay…so maybe you _have_ had some physical pain lately," he said, "but none that helped to kinda improve your appearance."

"Are you calling me ugly, Ben?" Shuichi smirked as he shaded in a mushroom that he had drawn.

Ben shook his head quickly. "Why are you making everything that I say sound bad, Shuichi?" Ben pouted. "I'm just trying to help."

"I know, Ben," Shuichi sighed and laid his pencil on the table again, "I know. It's just that K's starting to get pissed that I don't have any new lyrics and Tatsuha was acting weird before he left but wouldn't tell me why. Time's are hard."

Ben's frown deepened and he laid a hand lightly on Shuichi's shoulder. "I understand how you feel and how hard things are for you, Shuichi, but you need to go out once in a while to try and forget about them. If you don't, it's going to eat you up inside and your cutting will only get worse."

"I know," Shuichi muttered.

"How are your appointments with Ezra coming along? Any improvement there?"

"I haven't been in the past two weeks, Ben," Shuichi said with a laugh. "Any time I can get away from that quack is a good time for me."

"He's not a quack, Shu, he can really help you move on and except all the shit that's goin' on right now," Ben said, a little scared at his friend's behavior.

Shuichi rolled his eyes and picked his pencil up again, but Ben grabbed his hand and pulled him up off the floor.

"B-Ben, what do you think you're doing?" Shuichi snarled and tried to pull out of his grasp, but the American was too strong.

"If you're done having your little pity part, you're coming with me, Mister Pouty Pants."

Shuichi struggled to pull out of Ben's grasp all the way down to his car without avail, so decided to give the blonde the silent treatment. That always worked to piss Tatsuha off. But, unfortunately, Ben seemed to not be phased by it. When Ben saw how pissed this was making the singer, he smiled and shook his head.

"It's your own fault that you're in this mess, you know?" he said, smile growing when he saw Shuichi scowl at him out of the corner of his eye. "If you would have just agreed with me and not hopped on the pity train, you wouldn't be here."

"And where exactly is here?" Shuichi asked as Ben stopped his car.

"Here," Ben said and pointed out the window.

Shuichi recognized the small building instantly; it was, after all, where Ben had brought him to get his eyebrow pierced two years ago.

"Why in the hell are we here, Ben?" the singer asked with a smile. "I'm not getting another piercing or a tattoo, and I hope you're not expecting me to watch you get one or the other."

"Oh, you're not, are you?" Ben asked and smiled. "Don't you even want to hear what my remedy is?"

Shuichi smiled and rolled his eyes. "If you must."

Ben's smile grew to a size that Shuichi didn't even think was possible and his eyes started to shine. "Okay…I was thinking that you should get your tongue pierced."

Shuichi stared at Ben for a minute with his mouth open and then laughed. "_You _want _me_ to go in there and get my tongue pierced? And you were expecting me to agree with this because?"

Ben just shrugged. "Because you used to be outgoing and wanted to try new things once upon a time," he said and poked the barbell in Shuichi's eyebrow. "Just think back to when you go that done."

"Yeah, but that's my eyebrow," Shuichi laughed, now more than surprised by Ben's choice of remedy. "This is my tongue you're talking about. _My tongue!_ If I get this pierced it won't ever grow back if I want it out!"

Ben just shrugged again. "Don't think you can handle the pain?" he said with a wicked smile.

"Are you offering me a challenge, Benjamin?" Shuichi asked, suddenly intrigued. "You don't think I'll do it, do you?"

"Not with how you're acting now," Ben said with another shrug. "Besides…I don't want you to get any trouble with Tatsuha."

Ben didn't even have time to finish his sentence before Shuichi was unbuckling his seatbelt and climbing out of the car. Ben smiled in success and followed soon after, but by that time Shuichi had already taken a seat in waiting. The blonde crossed the small, dimly lit room and sat down beside his friend, the smile of triumph still lighting up his face.

"You can stop gloating now," Shuichi whispered and elbowed the American in the ribs.

"I'm not gloating, I'm just rejoicing in my tremendous triumph."

"It's the same thing, you dumb ass!" Shuichi muttered and laughed, "but maybe you're right. I need to have more fun. The stressed me out and I need something new. Besides," he lowered his voice at this point, "I don't think Tatsuha will hate it. I bet he'll _love_ it."

Ben grimaced at Shuichi and wrinkled his nose. "_Dude_, I don't wanna hear about your sex life with Tat! That's gross! I hope that it doesn't mess with your voice, though. Then K'll kill me for sure."

"Oh, Ben, don't worry," Shuichi said then smiled evilly with a laugh. "I'm used to having things in my mouth."

"_DUDE!_"

Shuichi burst out into laughter and was left gasping for air by the time he was done. When he finally got a hold of himself, the owner of the tattoo parlor, a grubby looking old man, was finished with his last client and was ready for Shuichi.

"What'll it be?" he asked after leading Shuichi back to a chair.

Shuichi glanced at Ben for a second and smiled. "Tongue piercing."

"Gauge?" the man asked, pulling an assortment of needles in sterilization packages out of a drawer next to the chair where Shuichi was sitting.

"Um," Shuichi started and bit his lip for a second while he thought, "how about twelve?"

The artist ripped back the paper from a needle and Shuichi took that as meaning that it was fine and laid back in the chair.

"What me to hold your hand for you, Shu-chan?" Ben joked from Shuichi's right side.

"Oh, would you please, Benny? I'm _so_ scared," he pouted and then laughed. "No, dumb ass, I'll be fine. You just watch."

"Whatever, man," Ben said with a smile and stood beside Shuichi to watch as the artist told the singer to open his mouth and stick out his tongue.

Shuichi did as he was told, glad that he could only see how long the needle that was about to pierce his most valuable body part was and not the dot that the artist had put on his tongue to mark where the barbell was supposed to go.

"Are you ready?" the old man asked, pressing the sharp point of the needle lightly against the dot on Shuichi's tongue.

"As I'll ever be," Shuichi said, but it came out more like "As ow evuh be" because of the lack of tongue movement.

Pressure was applied onto the needle and Shuichi winced slightly as he felt it begin to pierce through the muscle. Shuichi closed his eyes against the pain and oncoming headache and only concentrated on the "oo"s and "ah"s from Ben as the needle was pressed further and further through his tongue. He didn't make any sound until the old man pulled the needle out…then he screeched a little bit and scowled when he heard the artist chuckle.

A few minutes later, Shuichi was standing at the counter with a barbell stuck through his tongue and paying the old man for putting a hole in his mouth.

_How ridiculous is this? I could have done this for free with a safety pin!_ he thought but handed over the forty dollars anyway. _Oh, well. At least I proved Ben wrong for once._

With a smile on his face and numb tongue, Shuichi walked out of the tattoo parlor with no less writer's block than he had had before.

_…End Flashback…_

Now, as he looked at himself and the silver piece of metal jutting out of his tongue in the mirror, Shuichi asked himself the question he should have asked while sitting in that chair a week ago.

_What in the hell was I thinking?_

He smiled slightly and put his tongue back in his mouth. Luckily, the numbness had gone away fairly quickly and the barbell hadn't obstructed his speaking or singing ability at all. Thank God and say hallelujah! He really didn't know what he would have done if Ben's worries had come true and the barbell had messed up his singing ability. Well, the most obvious thing would have been to take it out, but he really didn't want to walk around with a hole in his tongue. Besides, he was actually starting to like it.

Shuichi laughed as he thought back on that day one more time, remembering what Ben had told him once he they were back at the apartment and safely off the road.

"_By the way…that wasn't my remedy," the blonde had said with a smile, moving quickly toward the door as Shuichi began to rise from his couch. "I was actually only going to suggest that you write about your feelings. Write about your emotions…hell, write about writer's block."_

Shuichi hadn't been able to move quickly enough to catch the man before the elevator doors had closed, but he knew that he would get his revenge someday.

_That bastard just wanted to see if I would actually do it._ He smiled and flicked off the light switch before leaving the bathroom and returning to his writing sanctuary in the living room, surrounded by paper and his trusty ole' keyboard.

Almost all of the first twenty pages in his notebook were full of doodles and/or scratched out lyrics, the only _real_ signs of writer's block. He laughed as he thought back upon the past week. He would get out his notebook and write down a few lines of poetry that had popped into his head, and then would start doodling. Oh, it would only take one small little star or anarchy symbol or even a circle for him to completely forget that he had been trying to concentrate on writing lyrics, and he would lose himself completely in his drawings. Now matter how horrible and sad they were, they were his and some of them even held some kind of special meaning to them.

Shuichi finally flipped to the first decent looking page with lyrics on it and picked up his pencil, ready to continue adding on to the words that he had already written. He read and re-read what he had, his smile growing larger as he realized how Tatsuha would kill him if he didn't change a word. So, using the magic power of the pencil eraser, Shuichi erased the word "amber" and wrote "beautiful" in its place. There, no wrong done.

_I've got so much more to say these days  
But the quicker it wastes away  
With your beautiful eyes calling me to consciousness  
It's hard not to be fooled by their contagiousness_

_But I've been wanting so and needing so much more than perfection  
There's nothing anyone could do  
I thought I knew the answer to satisfy my hunger 'til  
I realized it goes with you_

_I'm further away from my emotions  
Than a blank white page is from a hit song  
I've taken the strain out on passerby  
It's not been my day for the past few nights_

Okay, so maybe the song was starting to sound like a cheesy love song, something that hadn't been on one of Bad Luck's CDs in a long time, but maybe it was time for a change. I mean, rock bands write love ballads and put them to kick ass beats all the time, right? So what was different with this one?

Shuichi set his point of his pencil down on the paper and tapped it there. And tapped it there. And tapped it there. And…you get the picture. Of course! He had gotten three good verses in and then had gotten his hopes up, thinking that he had finally gotten past his road block, but here he was again. Nothing would come. NOTHING!

"Damn it all to fucking hell!" Shuichi yelled and buried his fingers in his raven locks, pulling at them in frustration. "Why can't I come up with one goddamn song?"

He set his pencil back down on the coffee table and started to play the bed he had come up with to write the song to. It was slow and kind of mournful, but once the guitars and drums were added it would pick the pace up a bit. After all, how often did pianos sound happy and cheerful?

He sang the lyrics he had already written on the page along with the beat and played the part with no lyrics over and over and over again, so many times that he bet himself he could play it with his eyes closed (and it turned out that he was right). Finally, _something_ came into his clouded mind and he scribbled it down before the verse disappeared from his head forever.

_My outlook's been clouded by their future  
I just don't know where I've been  
You've been happy to give me the insight  
But you're not so keen on letting me inside  
_

_I've been longing for and waiting, just wanting what you have  
Trying to find a way around  
I've got everything you wanted, it's perfect,  
it's all set, but the only thing I want is less  
_

Shuichi set back and looked at the lyrics, scribbling out a few words here and there and doing whatever he could to try and make them be to his approval. Finally, they looked okay to him and he put his pencil down again, figuring that it was about time to add in another chorus.

_Still I'm further away from my emotions  
Than this blank while page is from a hit song  
I've taken the strain out on passerby  
It's not been my day for the past few nights  
_

Quicker than the last batch of verses, more lines came into his head and Shuichi praised the Lord in thanks. Maybe he would finally be able to manage to write a song, after all.

_I've been longing for and waiting for something more  
It's just not clear in this clouded world  
As hopelessly clouded as my confused head  
The only thing that's clear is you  
_

_I've been longing for and waiting for something more  
It's too clouded to make out the darkened shapes  
But not as helplessly clouded as my confused head  
I've been getting slightly frayed around the ends  
_

Shuichi thought that he could burst out and scream in joy at the words on the page. A song, he had finally managed to write a song, but something seemed to be off. He didn't quite think that it was complete.

"It's missing something," he muttered and buried a hand in his hair and closed his eyes as he tried to think about what. "Maybe another line of chorus?" he whispered after a minute or two of thinking and wrote the chorus one more time.

_And I'm still further away from my emotions  
Than this blank white page is from a hit song  
I've taken the strain out on passerby  
It's not been my day for the past few nights  
_

"Is that all?" he thought, already knowing that the answer was no. It was still missing something, something that would add back into the meaning behind the song. But, while he thought about it, he decided that he could add the chorus one last time.

_Cuz I'm further away from my emotions  
Than this blank white page is from a hit song  
I've taken the strain out on passerby  
It's not been my day for the past few nights  
_

"What in the hell is it missing?" Shuichi thought and dropped his pencil again so he could play on the keyboard once more.

There were about a minute and a half of open notes playing by the time he had finished singing the lyrics over the tune, but no words came.

"And here I was, thinking that the words were actually going to be lucid this time around," he said with a laugh. Then: "Hm…lucid…."

Shuichi picked his pencil up one more time and scrawled the last verse of the song out on the blue-lined college ruled paper.

_I'm further away from my emotions  
The only thing that's lucid is you  
I'm a little unclear about my devotions  
My priorities haven't been used  
_

"And voila, I have a song," Shuichi said with a smile and laid his pencil down happily. "It's about fuckin' time, too!"

He read and re-read the lyrics a couple of times and then closed his notebook before standing up. He stretched, cringing when he heard his back pop in a few more than one place when he did, and went over to answer the phone that had conveniently started playing its own song.

"Hello?" he asked, the happiest that he answered the phone in months.

"Someone sounds happy," the voice that Shuichi had been longing to hear said with a laugh. "What did I miss?"

"Oh, nothing," Shuichi laughed, "just the disappearance of my writer's block."

"Ah, damn. I wanted to help you get rid of it," they said.

Shuichi laughed and plopped down onto the couch. "Well, it was about damn time. I swear, if I couldn't write anything for another day I was going to rip my hair out!"

"Oh, but your hair's so cute. And speaking of your hair, I got some more dye so we can redo the read when I get home."

"Thanks, Tatsuha," Shuichi muttered and yawned loudly. "When are you going to be home?"

"Soon," Tatsuha said. "At least, it better be soon. Dad's going to be the thing that drives me crazy if he doesn't stop nagging me."

"It's been two years since you told him about your decision. Can't he just let it go?"

"It doesn't look like he planning on it. Knowing him, he'll probably haunt me with it until the day that he dies," Tatsuha said coldly.

Shuichi chuckled and yawned again. "Man, I'm exhausted. I haven't slept in days."  
"I guess I should let you go and get your beauty sleep then," Tatsuha laughed.

"Yeah, maybe sleep would be a good thing, after all."

Tatsuha laughed again. "Well, bye then. I'll see you soon."

"Bye," Shuichi said. "Aishiteru," and he hung up the phone.

After a few minutes of sitting in silent thought on the couch, Shuichi finally resigned to the sleep that was trying to overcome him and went back to his room.

**-------------**

God, he wished everything would just go away. He wished that everything would just leave him alone and that he could live in peace with himself. More than anything, he wished that he could go back in time five years and not take that walk that he had decided to take as a cure for writer's block. Then, he would have never met Shuichi and would never have been put into the position that he was in now. He would have never had to suffer like he had been made to, would never have had to put Shuichi through so much pain, would have never had to feel the pain from driving a person to the point of suicide. Everything was always his fault.

Amber eyes snapped open and stared at the light cast on the ceiling from the flashing television screen. That night when he and Shuichi had talked in the singer's dressing room was the last time that he had seen and/or talked to the man, and he was finally starting to feel the hurt. It had only been a month, but he was feeling ten times worse than he had after being separated from the man for those four long years. And it was going to drive him insane. Dreams of the exhausted, sorrowful man had haunted his sleep for the past three weeks. Dreams? How about something more like nightmares? He couldn't help but think about what may have happened if he hadn't of listened to his conscience that day and gone over to return Shuichi's necklace.

_He would have bled to death on his kitchen floor, that's what would have happened. You would have been driven to the brink of insanity, that's what would have happened. He wouldn't be here today to make you smile, that's what would have happened,_ that annoying conscience of his said, and kept going on and on about what would have happened.

"But none of it did happen and he's alive and he's happy," he said painfully, "and that's all that matters."

His conscience laughed at him. _Stop kidding yourself, man. You know that you're jealous of your brother. You want Shuichi but you know that you can't have him, and that's what hurts you the most._

Yuki shook his head to dispel the thoughts but his conscience wasn't going to let him go that easily.

_You know that I'm right, so don't try shaking your head at me. And you know that you could have easily gotten him back when you returned if you had just tried to show him that you changed. Instead, you acted like nothing had ever happened, like you had never abused him, when you knew that you had. Instead of acting like someone who wanted to repent for what they had done, you took the coward's way out._

Yuki closed his eyes and pounded himself between the eyes with the palm of his hand. "You're wrong. I asked him for forgiveness and he gave it to me."

_You asked him for forgiveness in his weakest moment, Eiri. If that isn't cowardly, I don't know what is._

Yuki shoved the thoughts away and finally managed to get rid of the nagging voice that always won. Of course he knew that he was a coward. If he wasn't, why had he hidden under the same mask for the past eleven years? Why had he acted like the big bad ass on the outside, when, deep down inside, all he wanted was to love someone and be loved back? And why had he shoved the one person who had given that to him away?

"Because I was afraid," he muttered, a solitary falling down his cheek as the words echoed around the quiet apartment.

_Ah, finally, a confession. It's about time you stopped lying to yourself, little Eiri._

"Don't get such a big head."

_Don't worry; it would be your head that blew up._

Yuki smirked and shook his head. "Why in the hell am I talking to myself?"

_Because, little Eiri has no one else to talk to, that's why. You're a lonely old man, Eiri, and you always will be._

"Twenty-seven isn't old," he muttered and sat up from where he was lying on his bed.

_No, of course it's not._

Yuki growled at himself and walked back to the bathroom to throw some water on his face, but got distracted by his reflection. The blonde hair that he had dyed brown all that time ago was back with a vengeance and ready to take back what he had lost, prepared to go blindly into a gun fight with nothing but his fists. But his eyes knew better than to be so stupid. Those eyes had seen more than their fair share of pain in their lifetime and knew that actually getting Shuichi back and for him to stay back would be nothing short of a difficult task. Shuichi had found the happiness and love that Yuki had never been able to give him with Tatsuha, and he wouldn't give that up so easily.

And Tatsuha…Yuki knew that the man had never gotten over losing the love of his life and he probably never would. How could he break apart such a deserving relationship? Both of the man had been hurt dearly by people they loved with all of their beings, but had found that happiness once again with each other. Neither would give the other up without a fight, and he knew that his brother would give him just that if that was what he wanted. But it wasn't. He didn't want to have to fight with and risk losing the person who had accepted him and shown him compassion when he was made fun of when he was younger. Yuki wasn't ashamed to admit that his brother was his best friend, and he didn't want to lose that.

_Would you make up your goddamn mind! You want Shuichi so badly that it hurts and you come up with a plan to get him back. But then, you think about poor Tatsuha and Rori and how much Tatsuha still hurts and you don't want to hurt him too. Oh, boo-hoo. Cry me a fuckin' river. Pity Tatsuha all that you want, but being empathetic won't convince him to give Shuichi up just for you._

"I need to talk to him," Yuki muttered and left the bathroom for the phone's cradle in his bedroom.

He picked up the telephone and dialed the first few numbers of Shuichi's cell phone number before turning the phone off again.

"What in the hell am I doing?" he moaned and flopped down onto the bed. "He won't want to talk to me. Not after I just left him like that."

Somewhere in the back of his head, he knew that his conscience had rolled its eyes. _What harm will it do to just try?_

Yuki sighed and hit the talk button again, this time dialing all of the digits and let it ring…and ring, and ring, and ring. When no one answered, he hit the off button and dropped the phone onto the bed with a sigh that sounded almost like relief.

_Coward._

Yuki chose to ignore the name and went into the kitchen to grab a beer, eyeing the pack of cigarettes on top of the refrigerator with something that looked like lust. He had a nicotine craving that he hadn't tended to in three months and it was starting to get to be too much. Maybe just one cigarette would help to empty his mind so he would think clearly about what to do. Yeah, that sounded good.

He grabbed the pack and ripped it open, hungrily pulling out one of the cancer sticks and sticking it between his lips. He pulled his lighter out of his pocket and pushed down the igniter, but didn't put it to his cigarette. He stared at the flame, wondering why he had to keep doing it to himself. Why did he have to _always _take the coward's way out when he knew that it would come back and haunt him one day?

_Coward._

Yuki growled and put the flame to the tip of the cigarette, taking a long drag and letting the wonderful smoke fill his lungs. He sighed in relief and blew a plume of smoke out from between his lips and opened the refrigerator to pull out a beer.

_Old habits die hard._

Once again, Yuki chose to ignore the double meaning comment and returned to the bedroom to finish is cigarette and think about what to do next.

Of course, he would have to talk to Shuichi and tell him how he felt. How he really felt. Not the lies about how Shuichi only annoyed him and wrecked his life, but the truth about how he loved Shuichi and had grown to care about him more than he cared about himself. But there was the catch. He couldn't do that. Well, it wasn't the fact that he couldn't do it; it was the fact that he wouldn't be able to do it.

_It's the same thing dumb ass._

No, it wasn't the same thing. Ever since Kitazawa he had never been able to tell people how he felt about them, love or hate. Either that, or he would turn around and say the exact opposite of how he felt about the person. Just take Shuichi for example. He was usually all bark and no bite, but when he bit he always drew blood.

Yuki cringed away from his thoughts and memories pulled forth from them, knowing that it was true. He had ripped every person that cared about him open and left them lying on the sidewalk to bleed. There was no use in denying it.

The phone rang and Yuki jumped in surprise, his heart pounding against his ribcage. He picked the wireless phone up from the bed and checked the caller id, tensing slightly when he saw the number. Damn missed call alerts. But he answered it anyway.

"Hello?"

"Why in the hell did you call me? You better be glad that Tatsuha's not here right now because he would be on your fucking ass!" seethed the man on the other end.

"Why, hello to you too, Shuichi," he said with a smirk, cursing at himself when he heard the smart ass tone of his voice.

"Don't 'Why, hello to you too, Shuichi' me! Tell me what you want so I can get back to work. I had to be a bastard to K so I could leave the recording studio and call you so I don't think I'm going to have much longer to live, and I really don't want to spend my last minutes talking to you."  
The words stung Yuki more than he would like to admit, but he quickly brushed it away and smiled. "Ah, come on. I'm not that bad, am I?"

Shuichi audibly growled on the other end and Yuki's smile grew. Was it bad to get so much enjoyment from pissing off the person you loved?

_No._

Yes, it was, but no matter how hard he tried to keep the smart ass tone from his voice, the worse it became. He already could tell that this conversation was going to end with one of them hanging up on the other, and that would probably be Shuichi.

"Just tell me what you want, Eiri. Please." Shuichi's tone quieted with the last pleading word and Yuki crinkled his brow. Was it because he was actually afraid of what his crazy, American manager would do, or was he edgy because of who he was talking to?

"I want to meet you somewhere," Yuki said. Short, sweet, and to the point.

Shuichi laughed, sounding like a harsh wind blowing over the mouthpiece. "For what? So you can see me? Or so we can 'talk'?"

"I just need to talk to you, is all. It doesn't have to be for very long, I just know that we have things that we _need _to talk about. And you know that we do, too."

Sensing how serious Yuki was getting, Shuichi cut off his own smart ass act and turned on the coldness. "We have nothing to talk about, Eiri. We're through."

Yuki smirked. "Yes, we do, Shuichi. Now please, just agree with me because I really don't want to argue with you and make matters between us even worse than they are now."

There was silence for a couple of minutes on the other end and then: "Whatever. Where and when do you want to meet?"

"How about you come up with something and call me back? You know your schedule better than I do, and I have little to no schedule so anything's alright with me."

"Whatever," Shuichi whispered.

"Shuichi."

"What?" the singer spat, and Yuki could just picture the beautiful face twisted with anger in his mind.

"Thank you."

A click and then silence from the other line, and Yuki knew that Shuichi had hung up on him. He smiled and hit the off button on his own phone before replacing it on its cradle and putting out his cigarette. He had been right, lighting one up had helped to clear his mind and now he felt ten times better than he had before. He smiled and took a sip of his beer before sprawling out on his bed and falling into a deep sleep.

_Coward._

**------------**

Going back to work at NG meant that it was back to being threatened by K and his magnum, and back to living in terror of him accidentally slipping and actually shooting you in the leg or something. Shuichi had just gotten to work and when he had been a smart ass with him so he could leave the room and make his phone call, K had had to be restrained by Hiro and Ben to keep him from chasing after Shuichi and shooting him senseless. Shuichi actually thought that it was kind of funny, but that was before he had returned to the room and to a seething blonde American.

K was tied down by ropes in one of the room's many swivel chairs, his guns lying helplessly locked up in the recording booth. When Shuichi reentered the studio, the blonde threw him the evilest glare he had ever given and used his feet to push himself over to meet him.

"Well, are you happy now, Shindou? You better be glad that I'm tied up and my guns are locked up in another room, because otherwise I'd be having your ass right now," the blonde snarled.

Shuichi chuckled and patted K playfully on top of his head. "Aw, look at him guys," he said and scratched the seething man behind the ear. "He thinks his words can actually hurt me."

K turned his head and gnashed his teeth at the singer, growling with a smirk when Shuichi jumped back from him in surprise. Shuichi laughed again and stuck his tongue out at K, knowing how much K hated the new barbell that was stuck there, and then patted the blonde's head one more time before slipping past him and to the other members of Bad Luck.

"I finally have some lyrics," he said and flipped his notebook open to the first page of decent looking lyrics. "I've got three new songs and I have the arrangement complete for one of them, so we can mark that off the list."  
Ben, Hiro, Suguru, Sakano, and K (now having conveniently forgotten about his anger with the joy of getting new lyrics) huddled around the small notepad and read over the new lyrics. Shuichi plopped down onto the studio's couch and tried his best to ignore the glances the others would throw him every so often while reading. Once everyone had a good, thorough look at the songs, they turned all of their attention onto the raven-haired man who was trying his best to ignore their stares by toying with the frayed hem of his tee-shirt.

"They are very good, Shindou," Sakano said and handed Shuichi his notebook. "Sad, but good."

Suguru laughed. "How long has it been since Bad Luck's put a happy song on an album?"

The other's laughed politely and took seats around Shuichi, K rolling up right beside the man with a smile.

"Don't think that you're off the hook," he whispered dangerously, just loud enough for Shuichi to hear.

Shuichi smirked and turned his attention to the auburn-haired man beside him.

"What did you think, Hiro?"

"Huh?" Hiro asked and shook his head. "Sorry, I was zoning out."

"I asked what you thought about the lyrics," Shuichi said, a little perturbed about Hiro's behavior.

"The lyrics?" Shuichi nodded. "Oh, they were good. I agree with Sakano. Sad, but very good."

Hiro went back to staring at the back wall of the room and Shuichi frowned at him in concern.

_I wonder why he's acting so strange._ he thought, but didn't have time to worry before Ben started talking.  
"Told you my remedy would work," the man said with a smirk, and Shuichi scowled at him.

"Remedy my ass," Shuichi muttered. "You better be glad Tatsuha isn't home yet because he would be after you like K's after me."

Ben gulped and sat down next to Hiro on the couch, now extremely worried about what precautions he would have to take to defend himself against a pissy Tatsuha. Man, when the guy was angry he turned into a completely different person.

"When do we start with the arrangements?" Suguru asked, turning into his busybody self now that he had lyrics to work with.

"As soon as you want to," Shuichi said.

"Well, I think I want to hear Shindou's supposedly completed song before we start anything," K said and smiled when Hiro, Ben, and Sakano nodded their heads.

Suguru frowned, upset that he would have to wait even longer to break in his new synthesizer, but he wanted to hear Shuichi's song too.

"Whatever," Shuichi said and crossed the room to the old keyboard that they had kept for no reason in particular. Sakano had actually thought about throwing it away the other day, but Suguru had insisted that they keep it. And thank God that he had because he would have been pissed if Shuichi got to use his new toy before he even got to touch it.

Shuichi turned the instrument on and changed it to the piano setting before taking a seat at its bench and starting the mournful tune, just waiting to see who would catch the truth behind the mask.

TBC…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: WHOO-HOO! I'm done and it only took me two days! That's definitely an improvement. And was it just me, or does everyone think their about to go crazy in this chapter? I dunno…but you need a little bit of insanity in your life to keep yourself sane, right?…

I'm hoping that I can start on chapter fourteen as quickly as I can and I'll be able to work more often now that the holidays are over and I'm finally starting to feel better. So, be looking for it…

Anyway, thanks to: **kriziamoon, Sammy -.-zzz, Jessiegurl143953, Guren, subzero13, YuujiKamui, sakurastar-63, tangerineasuka, Crystal Flowers, sakurya, Shane God Powell, Trina, Syaoran is kawaii, Tara Yuki-Uesugi, clueless97, Raven, Ryuichi Sakuma, Eiri-chan, gdpsych, miki, **and **Kagekitsune16** for the sweet reviews and/or caring about me when I was sick. A HUGE thanks to: **Lenora-chan, animegirl12182, **and **CassiToTheStars** for your kick ass reviews and/or helping me get over my writer's block! You guys are awesome. I hope you're happy about the tongue piercing Lenora-chan and I hope you're more impressed with Eiri Cassi!…_smiles…_

Welp, I'm off. I guess I'll see you all at the beginning of chapter fourteen! Ja!...


	14. Scars Fade, but the Memory Remains

Hey, y'all. Nichobit here, but I won't be here for very long, I promise…

I'm glad that you all liked chapter thirteen and I'm glad that I was finally able to move on. And what's wrong with Hiro? Sorry, but it's not in this chapter. I didn't even realize that I was writing him like I was until you all posted questions so look for the next chapter…_smiles but gets whapped by Mary-chan_ "Ow, bitch, what was that for?" _smacks Mary-chan across the face_…Mary-chan: "Tell everyone you're sorry, you whore!"…_slaps Mary again_ She who calls her best friend a whore is a whore herself! Sorry, guys, I couldn't help it!"…

Okay, sorry that you all had to witness that…me and Mary have a somewhat dysfunctional friendship…_smiles_… Anyway, sorry that this took so long for me to write…goddamn writer's block. I hate it! Also, I just wanted to let you all know that I'm hoping to wrap this baby up without having to go over twenty chapters…hoping being the key word. I dunno…I'll just have to take everything as it comes…

Alright…now on with the chapter!…

**Disclaimer:** I've already told you this thirteen times, do I really have to tell it to you again?…

**Scars Fade, But the Memory Remains…**

A seemingly lifeless form sat cross-legged in the corner of the darkened room he shared with his lover, his dark hair hanging limply in his face as he sobbed over the picture he was holding. Tear drops fell onto the acrylic surface of the painting, but he didn't care. Nothing mattered, not anymore. A pale finger traced the form of one of the smiling men in the picture, the sobs wracking his body becoming more and more painful.

The therapist was right, of course he was, but how could he be so damn coldhearted? Had he ever had to lose someone like he had? No, he didn't think so. And he had acted like everything should just be as easy as letting go of a rope, the lifeline of a person that's hanging on for his life over the edge of a cliff. But it wasn't. He may be able to let the brunette go physically and emotionally, but he would always haunt him mentally. In his dreams, in his thoughts, whenever he closed his goddamn eyes; it was all just too much.

From outside the room, Tatsuha heard the front door open and Shuichi called out his name.

"Just a minute," he called and wiped away the tears, shoving the painting back into his closet under clothes.

He went out into the living room and greeted Shuichi with a hug and small kiss on the cheek because, for some reason, Shuichi hadn't let him kiss him on the lips since he returned from Kyoto.

"What's up?" Shuichi asked when he noticed how bloodshot and puffy the younger man's eyes were. "Have you been crying?"

Tatsuha turned away from Shuichi and went into the kitchen. "Nope, weed," he said as a joke, but knew that Shuichi wasn't happy with it when he wrapped an arm around his waist.

Tatsuha leaned his head back and let it rest on Shuichi's shoulder, sighing when he felt Shuichi lay his head against his. He wanted to tell Shuichi about Rori, _needed_ to tell Shuichi about Rori, but he hadn't been able to. It had been hard enough for him to retell his story once, and he really didn't want to do it again. But maybe he wouldn't need to retell his story. Shuichi was empathetic enough to understand someone else no matter what, even if they just muttered one word. All he would have to say was Rori and Shuichi would automatically understand, but would he really? There was one important piece of the puzzle that Tatsuha still hadn't shared with anyone but Mika, and he was afraid of what Shuichi would think if he found out about it.

"Are you okay?" Shuichi asked seriously.

"No," Tatsuha whispered, new tears joining the quickly drying ones on his face.

"Do you want to talk about it?" That was the "new" Shuichi. Never pry, let them come to you when they're ready.

Tatsuha shook his head. "Soon, but not yet."

"I'll be here," Shuichi whispered and kissed the top of Tatsuha's head. Or what would have been the top of his head if Tatsuha hadn't of moved his head so their lips made contact instead.

Shuichi jumped and tried to pull away, but Tatsuha turned around and wrapped an arm around Shuichi's waist, pinning the man in place. Shuichi sighed, finally succumbing to what he had wanted all week, but was too afraid to give. Tatsuha ran his tongue along Shuichi's top lip and Shuichi open reluctantly, trying not to laugh when he felt the younger man's tongue investigating his newest piercing.

Tatsuha pulled away quickly, looking at Shuichi in question when the man clamped his jaw shut.

"Open your mouth," Tatsuha said, smiling when Shuichi shook his head and clamped his jaw tighter. "Please?" He gave his best puppy eyes with this, but Shuichi still didn't give in. "Fine, I guess we'll have to do it the hard way then."

Tatsuha put one hand under Shuichi's chin and placed the other just below the older man's nose and pulled as hard as he could, but Shuichi wasn't going to let his jaw budge. Tatsuha smiled and applied more pressure, tugging at Shuichi's jaw as if his life depended on it. The younger man grimaced as he pulled and Shuichi snorted, releasing his jaw and let Tatsuha pry his mouth open.

When Tatsuha first saw his boyfriend's new piercing he just smiled and looked at Shuichi as if it were a joke.

"It's not real…is it?" he asked, his eyes daring the other man to tell him that it was.

Slowly, well aware that the answer would piss Tatsuha off, Shuichi nodded his eye, wincing as a hand connected with the side of his head.

"Shuichi, you idiot! What in the hell were you thinking?" Tatsuha yelled, lunging on top of Shuichi and pinning him to the ground.

"I wasn't?" Shuichi asked with an innocent smile, knowing that no answer would be able to please the man currently seated on his chest.  
Tatsuha whapped Shuichi across the head again and Shuichi put on his best pout. "Ow, Tat-kun! That hurts!"

Tatsuha stopped with his hand in mid-air, surprised at the hints of the old Shuichi in those words. Shuichi took the opportunity to swing the man around while he was distracted and took his place on top, with Tatsuha pinned below him on the floor.

"I win!" Shuichi cheered with a triumphant smile that seemed to light up his usually sorrowful features.

Tatsuha turned his head away from the painful reminder from the past, praying to God that this wasn't the beginning of something new. If Shuichi had somehow come down with multiple personality disorder, he didn't know what he would do.

Shuichi, sensing the obvious distress within his lover, turned off the cutesy act at once and put a hand under Tatsuha's chin, using it to make the man look at him.

"Sorry, Tatsuha. I just thought that me acting happy would make you happy for once…and maybe I thought it would make you forget that I got my tongue pierced." Shuichi smiled halfheartedly at the man underneath him and bent down, kissing him lightly on the lips.

Tatsuha smiled and held onto Shuichi's chin lightly. "Stick out your tongue," he demanded softly, chuckling when Shuichi quickly complied.

_Am I really that scary when I get pissed or upset?_

He reached out and toyed with the barbell, twisting it around and toying with it. "I dunno…," he started. "I think I like it."

Shuichi's face lit up at the comment and a grin spread across his features. "Seriously?"

"Seriously," Tatsuha stated and kissed Shuichi lightly on the lips before smiling maliciously. "You are planning on putting that to good use, aren't you?"

A pretty blush crept up Shuichi's face and Tatsuha grinned wickedly. "What do you mean, by that?" Shuichi asked, innocence radiating from him in waves.

Tatsuha bent down and whispered a few…um…censored words into Shuichi's ear, and the man's blush deepened, even though a wicked smile of his own was on his face.

"Well, I wasn't planning on creeping Ben out for nothing," he laughed and stooped down, nipping and sucking at Tatsuha's neck gently.

Tatsuha moaned and buried his hands in Shuichi's black and crimson locks. He closed his eyes and memories he would have rather kept under raps came flooding back. Memories of creamy pales skin, sparkling blue eyes, and curly brown hair.

"NO!" he yelled and pushed Shuichi away.

Shuichi fell off the couch and watched, stunned, as Tatsuha pulled his knees up to his chest and began to rock back and forth. Not knowing what to do, Shuichi stood up and cautiously moved to his koibito's side.

"Leave me alone. Please!" Tatsuha moaned, his face buried in his hands. "Why can't I just forget?"

Blotches of water spotted the dark material of Tatsuha's jeans and Shuichi jumped, pulling the crying man into his arms. The younger man struggled to get out of his grasp, but Shuichi wouldn't let him go. Something definitely was wrong with Tatsuha and he would sit there and hold him until he told him what it was.

"I want to forget. I want to forget. I want to forget…," Tatsuha chanted into Shuichi's shoulder, sobs wracking his body, leaving him shaking and barely able to control himself.

"Shh," Shuichi cooed. "It's okay, Tatsuha. Don't worry."

"No, no, it's not okay. It'll never be okay. Not until he leaves, not until you leave. It'll never be okay."

Tatsuha immediately began to mentally condemn himself at his words, but he knew that they were true. Shuichi's current behavior was too reminiscent of Rori's for him to ever be okay and secure in their relationship. It may have worked out in the beginning, but now it was too late. Scars fade, but the memories remain.

Using as much of his strength as he could muster, Tatsuha shoved Shuichi away and stood up from the couch. His heart went out to the now very confused man but he quickly covered it up and ran back to his room. If he showed any emotion now that would mean that he was weak, and he didn't want to be weak. He wanted to be strong, just like everyone thought he would be.

_Damn, I'm starting to sound like Eiri_, he thought to himself but shoved it away quickly. Thinking about his brother would just make him feel weaker.

Tatsuha ran into he and Shuichi's room and grabbed a duffle bag, throwing as many items as he could find into the red bag. Somewhere during his escapade, Shuichi slowly made his way back to the room and stood, hurt showing plainly on his face, as he watched Tatsuha pack his bags.

"T-Tat-kun?" Shuichi started, wincing when Tatsuha threw him a disgruntled glare.

"What?" Tatsuha snapped, harsher than he intended, but he didn't regret it. It would push Shuichi away even more if he was cold to him, just like Eiri.

"Where are you going? What's wrong?" Shuichi asked, stepping aside when Tatsuha headed for the door with a bag in each of his hands.

"I'm leaving." Nice, simple, and to the point.

"Wh-why? What did I do to upset you?"

"What did you do? What didn't you do? You sit there in your black clothes, with your pierced eyebrow and tongue, acting like nothing makes you happy, constantly having to drag a blade across your arm because you're weak and can't take anything that anyone throws at you. It's sickening, Shuichi. You're just like _him_ and I can't take it anymore. I just can't!" he yelled as he threw his key on the kitchen counter. "I can't do it!"

Shuichi stood in the middle of the living room, silent tears trailing down his face as Tatsuha looked angrily at him over his shoulder. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing that came to his mind was good enough to retaliate. Tatsuha was right. He was weak. Why couldn't Yuki have just let him die?

Tatsuha shoved his shoes onto his feet and threw the door open, giving Shuichi one last demeaning glare. "Good-bye, Shuichi," he said and stepped outside, throwing the door closed behind him.

The raven-haired man stood there for a minute, questioning his thoughts and wondering if he was doing the right thing. Of course he wasn't, but he couldn't go back in there. He couldn't go back to constantly living in fear again. Tatsuha's heart wrenched when he heard the sobs begin to emit from the other side of the door and he wanted more than anything to go in and comfort the broken man, but he didn't. Because, if he did, he knew that he would never be able to leave again and would give into his own downfall.

Slowly, with his head held as high as his mind would let him, Tatsuha walked toward the elevator and away from the arms of the person he had begun to cherish more than Rori.

A solitary tear ran down Tatsuha's face as he stepped into the elevator and turned to hit the button for the first floor. He gazed longingly out of the slowly closing doors, tears streaking freely down his face. "Good-bye, Shu-kun."

**-------------**

Tears. He would have thought that he would be out of them by now. If he would have known that he was going to be spending countless hours of his once happy life in tears, he would have prepared himself and saved up the tears that need not have been shed. But, he was selfish like that and had used every last tear, no matter how trivial whatever he had been crying over was. He was also surprised that he had yet to run out of blood. Those paper-thin cuts that he knew everyone would kill him for making had appeared more and more frequently over the past couple of days. He didn't want to make them, but he had no other choice. It's just how he was.

He was also surprised that he hadn't died from alcohol poisoning yet. He had spent almost every free second of the past week in the bar just down the street from his house, drinking himself senseless until the bar closed. Then, drunk out of his mind, would stumble home through the crowded late night streets and would collapse in bed, only to repeat the same fiasco when he woke up the next morning.

That's where he was now, in the small bar hidden perfectly in an alleyway, drinking his pain away with shots of vodka. Mm, vodka…now that was some good shit. He lifted the small, pale blue shot glass to his lips and sighed, trying to think through the buzz that was starting to overcome his senses.

_Why in the hell am I doing this? It can't be any healthier than slashing up my arm or my leg or my chest, so why am I doing it?_

He shook his head, his raven locks still damp from the rain pouring outside the bar, and downed the alcohol, relishing in the burning sensation that filled his mouth. It didn't burn on the way down like whiskey, but it left that horrible aftertaste in your mouth that made you cringe. He guessed that that was why the shit was so addicting. You kept going back for more to get rid of that taste in the back of your throat, knowing all too well that it wouldn't go away.

He slammed the glass onto the counter and motioned for the bartender to pour him one more, watching as the old man poured the clear liquid into the empty glass. He was on his fourth shot and was just barely starting to feel the trickles of that buzz that came before drunkenness come into his head. Just enough so he couldn't think straight, even if he wanted to. He downed that shot quickly as well and repeated the same steps as before, not caring about the pitiful glances the bartender kept giving him or the tears that fell down his face. He'd tried to make them stop, but they wouldn't so he gave into the alcohol, only succeeding in heightening his depressive mood. Great, just great.

The bells that hung loosely from the door jangled as someone new entered the bar, and Shuichi watched as the bartender nodded in greeting but didn't turn around himself. He didn't care who entered this hole in the wall, didn't care who saw him wasted out of his mind. All he cared about was forgetting that Tatsuha had left him and that nothing was left for him to live for.

A small giggle snuck past Shuichi's lips as he thought about what he had turned down so he could make it to his newfound hangout. He had told Yuki that he couldn't make it to their meeting because he had work to do. Ha, work! If only vodka downing was job, then he bet that he would be the best.

He wrapped his hand around the lonely looking shot glass and took his sixth shot, throwing his head back and sighing in relief. What would Tatsuha think if he saw him now? He'd probably condemn him even more for turning into a dirty rotten drunk. Or he would ask him why he couldn't do it at home. And why couldn't he? Liquor stores sold vodka and he could buy an entire bottle for a hell of a lot cheaper than he could ten shots at this goddamn bar. Was it because he wanted to show people his pain? Or did he just want to leave the constant reminder of the home he once shared with his younger lover?

He bet that it was the latter. If he stayed cooped up in that apartment he would most definitely end up killing himself, whether accidentally or purposefully. After a few days of wondering and trying to think of who that _him_ that Tatsuha had mentioned was, Shuichi had found a painting buried under the clothes that Tatsuha had left on the floor of the closet. It was painting of the raven-haired man as a teenager and Rori, the two of them standing in joyful ignorance of the snow that fell around them. It was heart-wrenching and made Shuichi want to scream every time he thought about it. Why hadn't Tatsuha ever told him that he and Rori had been lovers? How hard could it possibly have been? He knew that the teen's death had tragically hurt Tatsuha, but he could have at least said something about him. Not that he cared…hell; he used to date Tatsuha's older brother so why would he be hurt by Rori? It was definitely not something for him to ponder in his drunken state of mind.

Two shots and an hour of tears later, Shuichi stumbled out of the bar. It's amazing what eight shots of vodka can do to someone with the alcohol tolerance of a rat. He staggered down the street, weaving his way as best as possible through the late night crowd and throwing barely coherent apologies over his shoulder at people he ran into.

Rain was still falling down around him in sheets and his hair was drenched in seconds, but he didn't care. His vision was starting to go grey around the edges and he was sure that he wouldn't make it home before he collapsed onto the street. And he was right. His apartment had just come into his vision when Shuichi collapsed heavily into a puddle, his knees cracking on the hard cement sidewalk.

A snort snuck its way past his drunken lips and he tried to lift himself out of the puddle, but he was too weak. Eight days of nothing but late night drinking and working his ass off were finally starting to catch up with him and he had to struggle to keep from passing out right there on the street.

Shuichi reached out and grabbed hold of the nearest wall, burying his fingertips in the grooves of mortar between each brick, and used it to help him stand. Once to his feet, he slowly let go of the wall, quickly grabbing onto it again when he felt his knees shaking.

_God, why do I keep doing this to myself?_

Shuichi used the wall to keep him standing and help him move along, walking hand over hand. He got even more drenched from the runoff that poured from the building's roof, but he didn't mind it. The cold water seemed to pull him out of his drunken stupor, if only a little, and he was able to let go of the wall to walk. He stumbled along, running into the wall a couple of times before collapsing again, this time only fifty yards from the arch that lead to the front door of his building.

He tried to stand again, but the vodka now had too much of a hold on his mind. It was impossible for him to think or speak coherently and all that snuck past his lips were snorts or sobs, nothing more and nothing less. People walking past him on the street just looked at him in disgust, never offering him a helping hand or asking if he was okay and if they would help him to his house. The heartless bastards! Shuichi managed to get onto his hands and knees and moved into the closest alleyway in a drunken crawl, tucking himself safely away from prying eyes behind a trashcan. It was more disgusting than sitting on the sidewalk, but at least now he was out from underneath the disgusted glares of the pedestrians.

Sobs began to wrack through Shuichi's now icy cold body and he closed his eyes, letting sleep take him while it called. But the damn heartless bastards outside the alleyway were too inconsiderate to keep quiet so he could sleep in peace so he just sat there, just staring mindlessly at the wall across the way from him.

He heard a voice that he knew he should know but didn't outside the alleyway, and held his breath. He didn't want anyone he knew to find him out here, not when he was like this. What felt like a bucketful of water fell into Shuichi's head and he let out a surprised gasp at the fridged water. The person outside stopped talking to whomever he had been conversing with and Shuichi held his breath again, praying that he wouldn't be found. Unfortunately, this time the man up in the sky didn't answer and Shuichi heard the telltale footsteps of a nosy stranger enter the alleyway and sighed, pulling his knees closer to his chest in an attempt to better hide himself. He laid his head on his knees, hiding his pale arms underneath his bent knees. For some reason, the moon seemed to reflect his pale skin even more on this night and he swore that he could hear it mocking him.

The footsteps grew closer and closer and Shuichi wanted to look up so bad, but knew that he shouldn't. Any kind of movement would alert his presence to the intruder and he would be found. He even held his breath and sucked in his stomach.

Finally, the footsteps died and Shuichi heard the voice begin talking again. He picked his head up again, taking a great gasping breath, and looked around the alley and at himself. Thank God for telling him to wear all black tonight because it worked as great camouflage. Sobs once again hitched in Shuichi's throat and he cursed at the voice that seemed to get louder and louder. And the footsteps were starting to come back again as well.

"God dammit all!" he whispered when he finally realized that the stranger had never really left the alleyway. He had just wandered to the back of it and turned around when he came to the dead-end.

He hugged his knees closely again and tried not to breathe, but the sobs wouldn't stop and trying not to breathe just made them even worse. He heard the voice stop again and say something about calling the person they were talking to back, and then there was nothing but silence until:

"Hello?" the voice called out. It was cold but heartwarming, a voice that he knew but couldn't put a face to in his drunken state of mind. "Is anyone in here?"

Shuichi tried to stay silent but a hitched sob snuck past his lips, alerting the man of his presence. That's right; he at least knew that it was a man.

"If anyone's in here will you say something? I want to help you."

"Go…away," Shuichi muttered between sobs, clenching his eyes as the new footsteps seemed to pierce through his skull.

The footsteps were nearly on top of him again when they stopped, and Shuichi heard a strangled gasp before he was lifted up from the ground and into someone's arms.

"Shu-Shuichi? Is it you?" the voice asked.

"In the flesh. What do you want? An autograph or something?" The words came out in a barely comprehensible jumble but the man understood what he said.

"Are you drunk?" the man asked, pulling Shuichi to his feet but falling back down when Shuichi collapsed.

"No, I'm not drunk, but I do love vodka," Shuichi giggled. "Who are you anyway?" All he could make out in the moon light was the soft glow of blonde hair. "Are you an angel?"

He heard the man stifle a laugh at that and frowned. "No, Shuichi, I'm not an angel."

"Then let me go. I don't want to leave until an angel comes and takes me away." When he said this, Shuichi spread his arms out above his head, as if he were beckoning to heaven for God to take him away.

"An angel's not gonna take you away, Shuichi," the man said, sighing when the drunk man ran gentle fingers through his hair.

"Are you sure you're not an angel? Your hair's so soft," he muttered, barely recognizing how the man seemed to lean into his touch.

"I'm sure," the man whispered and stood up.

Shuichi's gaze followed the barely visible form of the man as he stood, his eyes still lingering on the golden hair. Who had he known that had blonde hair? He ransacked his mind to think of a name, but got none. He sighed; maybe it would come to him once his hangover subsided in the morning.

A squeal slipped past his lips as he felt his feet lifted from the ground and he wrapped his arms around the nearest thing to him, which turned out to be the man's neck.

"Are you going to take me home?" he muttered, laying his head gently on the man's shoulder.

"Something like that," the cold voice said and Shuichi sighed.

"Thank you," he whispered and closed his eyes, finally succumbing to the sleep calling out to him.

Darkness overcame his senses and, just before he lost consciousness, he heard the man carrying him mutter something he really didn't understand.

"I can't believe you turned me down to get drunk."

**-------------**

A warmth beyond any warmth he had ever felt permeated his senses, and Shuichi rolled over in his bed and pulled his blankets tighter around his body. He was so comfortable and he didn't want to get up, but he knew that he was going to have to sooner or later to get some ibuprofen. His head was pounding and every bone in his body hurt, but the comfort of the warm bed was enough to make him forget about all that. All he knew was that he felt like he could sleep forever.

Shuichi's mouth started watering and a nasty taste flooded into his mouth just before his stomach clenched. "Oh, God!" he muttered and jumped out of the bed, running to the bathroom.

He fell down in front of the toilet and retched uncontrollably, his hands balancing him on each side of the toilet. The first bout went away soon enough and Shuichi relaxed against the wall behind him after flushing away his breakfast, lunch, or dinner. He sighed and ran a shaky hand over his face and through his hair, dislodging the sweat drops. He felt his stomach clench again and he fell forward, grabbing on to each side of the basin again.

Twenty minutes of heave, rest, and repeat later, Shuichi splashed water on his face and left the bathroom. Almost immediately, he realized that he wasn't in his own house, but he wasn't too worried about it. He felt fine now that most of the alcohol was out of his system and the person obviously hadn't taken advantage of him in his drunken state, so he was okay.

As he walked through the large home, memories of sometime before came back to him. Memories of Tatsuha packing, Tatsuha condemning, Tatsuha leaving…himself crying, himself cutting, himself drinking. Tears began to well up in the corners of his eyes and they fell slowly, leaving burning trails of salt behind. He found the door to a balcony/overlook and he went outside, closing his eyes against the cool, spring morning breeze.

A few minutes later he opened his eyes and gazed around at his new environment. Wherever he was, it was way on the city's outskirts. He could just see some of the tallest buildings and the space around him was beautiful. Trees, flowers, blue skies, silence. But the home was still two stories tall and still high enough to do some damage if he jumped.

Shuichi laid his palms flat on wooden banister and pushed himself up, swinging his legs gracefully over the edge. He sat down and sighed quietly to himself. What a great way to say thank you to someone who helped you out. Commit suicide and let them find you, mangled and bloody, when they decided to leave for work or whatever.

He shook his head to dishevel the thoughts circling in his mind and used his hands and legs to lift himself into a standing position, his feet just small enough to fit the width of the wall. He closed his eyes and spread out his arms, preparing to fall forward, but something snaked around his waist. Something that wasn't going to let him die.

A scream of agony was ripped out of Shuichi's throat and he struggled to get away, turning his head to meet gold eyes.

"Eiri?" he muttered, falling slack in the man's arms.

Yuki stared back at Shuichi in shock and nodded. "What were you thinking, Shu? You could've fallen." He lifted the man into his arms gently and walked back inside.

"That was my intention," Shuichi muttered, looking way from the heated gaze he got from the blonde.

Yuki sat Shuichi on his guest bedroom's bed and returned to the door, locking it and pulling the shade down to hide the bright morning sun. He flicked the light switch and turned on the globe light in the ceiling, still giving Shuichi that heated glare

"Why, Shuichi?" he scowled.

"What's it matter to you? You could care less whether I lived or died."

He saw Yuki wince at his choice of words, but he really didn't care. A sudden flare of anger had flared up inside of him at the man before him and he was in too much pain to be sympathetic.

"Why in the hell did you bring me here? Why didn't you just take me home?" he moaned, pulling his knees up to his chest.

Silence resonated between them for a while, only broken by the bed's small squeaks as Shuichi rocked back and forth and by Shuichi's heavy, calming breaths. This was the third time that death had been taken away from him in a year and he was starting to hate everyone who had stolen it from him.

He heard Yuki's footsteps against the hardwood floor as the blonde walked across the room to his side, and heard the crack as the man's knees connected with the floor. A sharp intake of breath and a couple of curses echoed through the air and Shuichi couldn't help but chuckle.

"You think it's funny?" Yuki growled, rubbing at his kneecaps.

Shuichi nodded, still not looking up, and continued rocking back and forth. Tears had begun to unconsciously fall down his face and Shuichi couldn't make them stop. Nor could he make the shouting thoughts in his head go away. They were so confusing. Telling him to trust the blonde beside him, telling him to tell him everything…he's a bastard, remember what he did to you.

Shuichi's tears turned into sobs and he felt arms wrapped around him. He tried to struggled, he tried to get away, but the comfort of crying in someone's arms was too much and he collapsed. Fingers twined into his hair, making long, even strokes in an attempt to calm him. Shuichi turned so his face was buried in Yuki's chest and rested a hand on the blonde's shoulder. He hoped that Yuki wouldn't be made that he was getting his tee-shirt wet.

A tee-shirt! Shuichi's tears stopped abruptly with the thought and he pulled away from the blonde, taking in the sight in front of him. When was the last time he had seen Yuki in a tee-shirt? He had seen him in short sleeves before, yeah, but he was still always dressed up. Now, however, the blonde just wore a white tee-shirt and loose fitting jeans. Two things Shuichi had never seen Yuki wearing, and had never dreamed of seeing him in them. He looked so…weird.

Yuki just stared back, and Shuichi knew that the blonde was wondering what he was staring at. He smiled slightly, not at Yuki or anything in particular, just to feel it on his face. He always used to smile, no matter what, and that smile was infectious. If he smiled when he was sad, that smile would soon wear off and turn his sad mood into a happy one. He doubted that it would happen this time, but he figured he could give it a try.

This just seemed to confuse Yuki even more, but Shuichi didn't care. He wanted to hurt Yuki, wanted the blonde to feel his pain and loneliness. Wanted him to feel why he had gone out to get drunk every night for the past week.

"Shuichi? Are you okay?" There was a tentativeness in Yuki's voice that made Shuichi giggle.

"Of course I'm not okay, silly Eiri. Would you be okay if you lost the two people you cared about beyond all others? Would you be happy if something you wanted dearly had been taken from you each time you got a chance to have it?" Shuichi said through giggles. Maybe he was going crazy, but he really didn't care. At least that was better than being depressed.

Yuki's eyes widened at Shuichi's words and his face fell slack, which just made Shuichi giggle even more.

"Please snap out of this, Shuichi," Yuki begged. "Please."

Shuichi suddenly stopped giggling and his eyes turned hard and cold. "Or what? You'll beat me?"

Yuki's eyes grew even wider, if that was possible, and he gaped at Shuichi as if he were a fish out of water; mouth opening and closing, eyes wide. Shuichi snorted and looked away, rolling his eyes at the blonde.

"That's what I thought. You won't do anything because you're too scared. You'll just always run away like a crying little baby, taking advantage of all those that actually want to help you. You're pitiful." Yuki was silent and Shuichi laughed again, looking at him with dead eyes. "What? Too afraid to say anything? Do ya think the crazy man's gonna do something stupid? Or have you finally run out of insults and curses to throw at me?"

Yuki shook his head, wiping the surprised look from his face and replacing it with a smirk to rival Shuichi's. "No, I just know that you're right. I came to accept that after you came after me in New York when _you_ saved _my_ life. Remember that, Shuichi?" A small flicker of something that Yuki couldn't quite grasp flashed in Shuichi's eyes and his smile broadened. "Yeah, I thought you'd remember that."

Shuichi turned his face from Yuki and focused on the wall across the room, but Yuki grabbed onto his chin and forced him to at least face him. He couldn't, however, force him to keep eye contact.

"I know how you're feeling, Shuichi," he said softly. "I want to help you. God, it hurts me so much to see you like this! But I can't help you if you won't talk to me."

"It's too late to help me," Shuichi said coldly and pulled his face out of Yuki's hand, returning his gaze back to that interesting wall.

Yuki pulled his hand back and sat on the floor, his hands toying with the frayed holes in his jeans, while he thought of something that he could say. Something, anything, that could convince Shuichi that he actually wanted to help him. After a moment or two of silence and thinking and not coming up with anything, Yuki took a breath and looked up at the man who was now busy smoothing out invisible wrinkles on the bed.

"Shuichi, just tell me something, please. Why are you like this? I know about what happened between you and Tatsuha. He came here in tears after he left you, but he did what he thought was best. I know that he never told you about Rori, but it's nothing for you to be upset about."

Shuichi sighed and looked at Yuki ashamedly. "Am I the only one that didn't know?" he asked sadly.

Yuki shook his head. "No, I just found out earlier this week. Mika's the only person he ever told until now."

Shuichi laughed quietly and looked back down at the bed. "I'm not angry that he never told me, I'm angry that he didn't trust me enough to tell me. He thought that I would get angry, didn't he? That's why he didn't tell me." The last words came out in a whisper but Yuki heard the pain in them as if the broken man had yelled them.

"Yes, it is, but you know how Tatsuha is. He's wild and crazy, just like you used to be, but won't tell anyone anything if he feels that something bad might happen if he does." Shuichi nodded and Yuki smiled softly. It like they might actually be getting somewhere. "He was always possessive, but, ever since he lost Rori, he's become even more possessive. No, the best thing to do would be to call him paranoid."

Shuichi looked at Yuki with surprise in his eyes, but something in them also let Yuki know that he understood too.

"You and Rori are the same, Shu. Rori was a compulsive cutter, he wore a smile on the outside while he was shattered to a million pieces on the inside, he committed suicide. Thankfully, though, you aren't like him in the last case. Do you remember how everyone felt when they found out that Rori was dead?" Shuichi nodded. "That's how we would all feel if we lost you."

"You weren't even there," Shuichi said coldly. "You weren't the one that stayed with Tatsuha the entire first night and almost every night after that. You weren't the one that had to dry his tears, you weren't the one that had to hear his sobs…-" A sob hitched in Shuichi's throat and he looked at Yuki, tears streaking his face. "You. Weren't. There."

Yuki hung his head and looked back down at his hands. "I know," he said sadly. "I wish I was, but I wasn't. I failed everyone that night."

Shuichi jumped at the sincerity in Yuki's voice and turned to see small trails of tears running down Yuki's face. "I failed Tatsuha. I failed you. Mostly, I failed Rori. I saw it coming, but, instead of doing anything about it, I just acted like my usual conceited self and ran off without saying a word. I failed everyone."

"You're so goddamn vain."

Yuki jumped at the coldness of Shuichi's voice and looked up at the angry man, tears still streaming forgotten down his face. "I'm sitting here condemning myself and you consider that vain?" He snorted. "If anything, you're vain."

Shuichi squinted his eyes and turned away, his nose in the air. "I am not vain."

Yuki snorted and threw his head back. "And why not? Tell me why you're not vain, Shuichi."

The raven-haired man sat there in silence, staring blankly at the wall, and Yuki laughed again.

"That's what I thought," he said, turning his head so he wouldn't have to look at the sight before him.

Silence filled the room again and the two men sat, fidgeting uncomfortably. Every time one of them would think of something to say, they'd take great, gasping breaths, but would close their mouths after that and shake their heads. Nothing seemed to be the right thing to say.

Finally, after ten excruciatingly long minutes of this, Yuki spoke up, just to break the awkwardness of their situation.

"You know," he started, pausing for a second to collect his thoughts before continuing. "I never expected this to be so difficult."

Shuichi finally looked at the blonde and Yuki turned away, smiling self-depreciatingly.

"You never expected _what_ to be so difficult?" Shuichi asked quietly, an icy undertone to his voice.

"Getting you back." The answer was short and sweet and quite possibly made Shuichi the most uncomfortable. "So, I guess that I am vain. I just expected to fly back over here and be able to pull you back into my arms whenever I pleased. You were a constant before I left, and I guess that I thought that life would go back to being like that."

"But it didn't," Shuichi stated quietly.

"No," Yuki laughed, "it didn't. It got better than that."

Shuichi looked at Yuki in question, but the blonde didn't see it because his eyes were focused on Shuichi's wall. He opened his mouth to ask the man if he were crazy, but Yuki spoke up first.

"Seeing you but not being able to have has killed me," he said. "It wasn't like that when I was in America because you weren't there so I guess that I slowly got over everything on the outside. But I never let you go.

"It also made me realize how sorry I was. Knowing that I'm the one who turned you into this is horrible, but it's the truth and I have to face it. I may have not shown it at first, but I've felt like that ever since I first laid eyes on you."

Tears were falling freely down Yuki's face now, and Shuichi's heart went out to him. He didn't want it to, but the sincerity in the man's voice was too real to ignore. And Yuki didn't just cry for nothing.

"Eiri,…I-I dunno…," Shuichi started lamely. Nothing he could think to say was good enough to beat Yuki's mini-confession.

Yuki laughed quietly and wiped at his face with the back of his hand. "You don't have to say anything," he said. "I just thought that it would be fair to let you know that."

"You call lying all that out on me 'fair'? Damn, you're an unlucky bastard."

"I know," Yuki said with a smirk. "I know I am."

Silence fell again but it wasn't quite so uncomfortable this time. There was no fidgeting, no sighs, no nothing. They just took the time to think and come up with something to say to one another.

"What time is it?" Shuichi asked. "I don't have a watch."

Yuki checked his own and looked back at the wall. "It's ten o'clock."

"Shit," Shuichi whispered, making Yuki look at him in surprise. "Can I use the phone? K'll kill me if I don't come up with a good reason for not showing up today."

"Sure. It's downstairs, though," Yuki said with a smile and stood up. "Come up."

He led the way to the room's door and Shuichi followed in silence. The echoes of their footsteps through the hall and down the stairs was maddening, but neither of them still had the courage to speak up and say anything. Shuichi's mind kept revolving around what Yuki had told him and Yuki's was revolving around whether or not he had said too much.

They reached the landing at the bottom of the stairs and Yuki grabbed the phone from its cradle, tossing it to Shuichi. Shuichi caught it and Yuki smiled, walking out of the room and into the kitchen to give the raven-haired man some privacy.

Shuichi jabbed the talk button and dialed K's cell phone, praying that the blonde wouldn't answer it so he could just leave a voice mail. But, since K was still hounding his ass, nothing went the way he wanted it to and K picked up on the third ring.

"If this is anyone other than a man that goes by the name of Shindou you better not be wasting my time," the blonde said and Shuichi smiled softly.

"Yeah, I'm something like that," he said with a smirk.

"Where in the hell are you? You were supposed to be here an hour ago!" the blonde seethed, making Shuichi's smile grow. Oh, how he loved to tease the American when he wasn't in gun range.

"I'm not there, so I'm obviously somewhere else."

K sighed and Shuichi cocked his head, that evil smile still plaguing his features. "Why do you have to be such a goddamn smart ass, Shuichi?"

"Smart ass? Why I don't know what you're talking about, K."

K growled. "Just tell me where you are and when you'll get here, so I can tell the others and we can get back to working without you for the next hour or so."

"I'm not going to be there," Shuichi said. The smile had fallen from his face, only to be replaced by a cold smirk.

"Y-you're what? What do you mean you're not going to be here? You have to be here."

"No, I don't and I'm not going to. I have other…um…business to take care of so I won't be there."

K sighed, making the sound of a candy wrapper being scratched across the receiver, and Shuichi cringed. "Just because you and your boyfriend broke up doesn't mean that you don't have to show up for work. We gave you a week, Shuichi, and we expected you back once that week was up. What's going on?"

"Well," Shuichi started, "I spent that week drinking and writing and last night, after getting wasted out of my mind, I ran into that boyfriend's brother. That's where I am. I don't even know where I am."

"Y-you're at Eiri Yuki's?"

"Sure am, and I'm having too much fun trying to piss him off so I think I'm gonna miss work today."

K started to say something to protest, but Shuichi had already hung up and cut the man off and was on his way to the kitchen. Yuki was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, reading a book. He looked up from the pages when Shuichi walked into the kitchen and offered him a small smile before returning to the words.

"There's coffee on the stove if you want some," he said, not taking his eyes away from his reading.

Shuichi nodded and picked up the second mug that he guessed Yuki had left out for him, filling it with the great, caffeinated beverage. He added some milk and sugar and sat down at the table across from Yuki, cupping the warm mug between his hands while he thought.

_Why am I staying here?_ _What in the hell am I doing? And why is he being so nice to me? He should hate me…and I should hate him, but- I don't._

"What's wrong?"

Shuichi jumped. He hadn't even noticed that Yuki had looked up from his book until he spoke up, and it kind of creeped him out.

"N-nothing. I was just thinking. I do that now, you know?"

Yuki snorted and shook his head, returning his eyes to the small print. "Why do you have to twist everything that I say to you and throw it back into my face?"

Shuichi hung his head and looked down at the floor. "I-I'm sorry. I'm just so used to being a smart ass all time that I forget when I shouldn't be one. Things have changed…a lot since you left."

Yuki looked up from his book, gazing at Shuichi with those golden eyes that Shuichi could just drown in, before he smiled and turned to the window. "I know."

Shuichi watched as Yuki marked his page and stood up with his empty mug to put it in the sink.

"Do you really? You obviously don't know how much I've changed if you just think that being nice to me is going to get me to like you again."

The clang of the mug knocking around the other dishes in the sink echoed throughout the silent kitchen and Yuki leaned up against the counter, not taking his eyes away from the puffy, white clouds outside the window. He motioned for Shuichi to walk over to him, and Shuichi did but was rather disgusted with himself the entire time.

"You see those clouds?" he asked and pointed at the sky. Shuichi nodded. "See how innocent and beautiful they are? Their attitude is infectious. They symbolize happiness and light, and you can't help but feel full of light when you see them floating lazily above you, the blue sky outlining their features."

Shuichi looked from the clouds to Yuki out of the corner of his eye and was surprised to see the new look of hatred on the blonde's face. The expression was quickly explained in Yuki's next insight.

"And, then, something happens to them. Something breaks them and they turn dark and grey, full of sadness and fear. They shed their tears over the world, letting everyone feel their pain and misery. You suddenly become full of hate. What kind of monster could do such a thing to something so beautiful, so innocent? But, sooner or later, the sky clears again and is full of those white, puffy clouds and you forget your anger in the joy that you get out of the sun."

Shuichi looked back out the window as Yuki looked down at his hands, his blonde tresses falling down and hiding his face. Where was he getting at with this conversation? Who or what were the clouds supposed to symbolize? And why did Yuki keep breaking out into tears?

"Eiri…," Shuichi started, feeling lame one more time. The fear, hatred, and sadness in the blonde's voice scared the man more than anything.

"Once again," Yuki said, sniffling a little, "you don't have to say anything if you don't want to."

Shuichi took a stabilizing breath and laid a hand on top of Yuki's, making the man jump and look at him in confusion.

"You said that you wanted to talk last night, right?" Shuichi asked. Yuki nodded. "Is right now any different? Why can't we talk right now?"

Golden eyes searched amethyst but found nothing within them that hinted at some kind of manipulative stunt, so Yuki nodded.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Shuichi smiled softly and lead Yuki, by the hand, into the blonde's living room. Yuki returned that smile on the way and took a seat on the couch while Shuichi offered to sit on the floor across from him.

"So…where do you want to start?"

TBC…

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A/N: WHAT A SHITTY PLACE TO LEAVE OFF! WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING! Oh, well. If I didn't end it there it would have taken even longer to post and you all would still be waiting so be nice. Plus I feel the threads of writer's block again. UGH! A bad week at school doesn't help a person write, either. _sighs_ But I can't complain. I really hope that you all somewhat liked this chapter, though. I'm kinda worried about it. And please don't hate me for the break up! It was a spur of the moment thing…

Okay…for the thank you's this chapter I wanted to review my reviews…

**The Mysterious S:** Aw…_blushes_…Thank you so much! I'm glad that you like it! And tell your friend that she doesn't have to worry about the pairing anymore…; **Syaoran is kawaii:** I hope you enjoyed the meeting. Not exactly a meeting, but they did meet and talk. It took me awhile to decide what I wanted to do…; **subzero13:** I'm glad you liked it!...; **tangerine-askua:** How's it gonna end? Hm…I know, but I can't tell you…; **kriziamoon:** Scheming? Hm…I like the way you think…; **Raven:** I inspire you? Ooo…_hugs_…thanks for that! You jut made my day/week 10 times better! Just don't force yourself. Sit for five minutes and think. If nothing comes try again later…; **Sakuraloveu:** Nope, it's really pierced, and it's all thanks to Lenora-chan…_hugs Lenora_…my brain when my own fails me. Keep reading for Hiro's problem…I promise it'll be in the next chapter…; **CassiToTheStars:** Ooo! I'm so glad that you liked it Cassi-chan! I thought of your review the whole time I was working it!...; **Kitsune Thief:** I hope I've pleased General Kumagorou! He didn't threaten to use his Kumagorou Beam, so I guess that's good…; **Sammy –.-zzz:** I hope you liked this chapter, too!...; **trina:** Thanks and here's more…; **sakurya:** Sorry…no Ryu being a genki baka in this chapter, but I promise for some in the next chapter!...; **Guren:** I hope you liked the not intended meeting between Yuki and Shu, and sorry about nothing on Hiro. I'm still thinking so look for next chapter…; **shadow0:** _blushes_ Thank you so much! I love getting reviews like yours! They make me SO happy! Sorry about the break-up, though. I hope you're not mad! It was just getting too hard for me to write Shu and Tatsuha together…; **Summoner of Suzaku:** I just got your review a few minutes ago! Thank you, but I take it Yuki's not your favorite character?...; **animegirl12182:** _strangles in a hug_ Thank you, thank you, thank you! I hope you know what I'm thanking you for! _smiles_…; **and finally to Lenora-chan:** _glomps_ Thank you sooo much! And sorry again about not being able to talk…

Okay…I think that's everyone. OH YEAH! I forgot about **Kitty in the Box** last chapter so thanks sooo much to her too. I think I'm done now so I guess I'll go…

Ja!


	15. Time Stands Still

I know…the title is completely off but so am I so that's what's good about it. Not too much to say here except I hope this doesn't take as long as the last couple of chapters and I'm sorry again for the shitty ending last chapter, but it picks up here!...

Okay…I'm done annoying you now, so what are you still doing reading? On with the chapter!…

**Disclaimer: **I envy Maki Murakami because she's smart and creative and the owner of _Gravitation_ and I'm not…

**Time Stands Still…**

"So…where do you want to start?"

The answer was obvious. There was so much that the two men needed to talk about that Yuki honestly thought that Shuichi was kidding. But the raven-haired man just sat there, watching Yuki expectantly and waiting for the blonde to pick what he wanted to talk about first.

"I…um…uh…-" Words wouldn't seem to form themselves in Yuki's mind and he growled in frustration, looking at the ground. Finally, he came up with a solution and looked up at Shuichi softly. "Where do you want to start?"

Shuichi's eyes doubled in size for a brief second before closing and he dropped his head into his hands, rubbing gently at his temples. Here comes that hangover headache.

"Why'd you have to do that?" he muttered, gazing up at the blonde in aggravation. "Why the fuck did you have to do that?"

"Just a taste of your own medicine," Yuki muttered, but only loud enough so he could hear it himself.

"What?" Shuichi asked coldly, his eye boring holes into the side of Yuki's head.

"You're the one that's been through the most so I just figured you could choose what you want to talk about. I'm not just trying to sound like a smart aleck; I really just think that you have more interesting things to talk about."

Shuichi snorted and looked away to stare out the window. The sky outside was so beautiful and it was then that he finally realize what or who Yuki had been talking about with his whole sky "proverb".

"It was me," he muttered and looked up at Yuki, who quickly diverted his gaze to the floor.

"What was you?" Yuki lifted his head to look into Shuichi's eyes, but Shuichi looked away.

"The clouds, the sky…you were talking about me weren't you?" Shuichi's finally made eye contact and Yuki nodded. "But why? Is it bad? Is it a problem that I'm like this?"

Yuki shook his head and looked away. "Did I ever say that it was?"

Tears immediately began to fill Shuichi's eyes and he looked at Yuki intensely "Then are you the horrible monster that makes the sky be not so beautiful anymore?" he asked urgently. "Are you?"

Yuki nodded his head and squeezed his eye closed against the onslaught of teas that threatened to spill over. Shuichi looked down at his hands, ignoring the tears that were already trailing down his face, and tried to contain himself. Tried to think of something that would make Yuki change his mind.

_What's there to talk about? I loved him, I thought he loved me, he beat me, I still loved him, he left me, and I still loved him, he came back and… There's nothing more for us to talk about._

"None of it was ever your fault, you know?" he said before he could stop himself. Yuki jumped and Shuichi saw the blonde head look up at him from the corner of his eye. "None of it."

"What in the hell are you talking about, Shuichi? What _wasn't_ my fault?"

Shuichi shook his head and managed to make himself look at the blonde. "Everything wasn't your fault."

Yuki dropped his head and Shuichi watched as he started to rub at his own temples. "Don't do this, Shu. Please don't do this."

"Don't do what, Eiri?"

"Don't blame everything on you. I know that it may seem hard for you to believe it in your mind, but nothing's your fault. It's all my fault."

"And how is that, Eiri?"

"Because I'm the one that drank, I'm the one that swung my fist, I'm the one that raped you." A sob hitched in Yuki's throat and Shuichi finally decided that the time was right to look at him. "I'm the one that left, I'm the one that made you cut, I'm the one…-"

"That made me a better person," Shuichi interrupted and looked away again when Yuki looked up at him.

"What! How in the hell did I make you a better person?"

The raven-haired man shrugged and sighed. "I'm not naïve anymore. I know that I shouldn't trust people without getting to know them first. I know not to fall head over heels in love with someone I just met while taking a walk through the park." The blonde winced at that, but Shuichi didn't see it. "I know that I need to deal with my problems and not expect everyone around me to take care of them for me."

"If you can call your solution taking care of them," the blonde muttered.

Shuichi snapped his eyes back onto the blonde and growled. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Cutting yourself isn't the healthiest way to deal with your problems, Shu."

"And neither is running away."

Silence fell between the two for a while and they just sat there. It was increasingly uncomfortable and Shuichi didn't think he would be able to stand the awkwardness for much longer.

"I never should have been stupid enough to let you find out," the raven-haired man whispered in a barely audible voice, but he knew that the blonde heard him.

"Why? So I would have stayed and kept drinking and…and beating you?" Yuki asked, surprised to see that the other man was in tears.

Shuichi sobbed and dropped his head, focusing his attention onto his hands. "Anything was better than having to lose you."

Yuki jumped and blinked his eyes in surprise at the other man. Now that…that had been unexpected. He never expected to hear that come out of the boy's…no the man's mouth. Never in his lifetime, never in a million years. Finally, after a few seconds to breathe, think, and breathe again later, Yuki regained his speaking ability. "What?"

Shuichi shook his head and kept his head down…_You heard me._

Yuki fell off the couch and to his knees and embraced the other man gently, rocking him back and forth in an attempt to get him to stop crying.

"Shuichi, I would have found out sooner or later and would've left anyway. If anyone was naïve back then, it was me. I thought that leaving was the only thing that would help you get better but I failed miserably."

Shuichi shook his head and his sobs increased so that he was left a wreck in the blonde's arms. He felt so much better there…safer…but he knew that they couldn't do it again. There was no way that they would be able to be together again without hurting each other.

The blonde whispered words of reassurance and condolence into Shuichi's ear and the sobs slowly calmed to the point of just quiet tears. He didn't let the man go though, and Shuichi was somewhat glad because of that. He wasn't ready to try again, not yet, but it felt good just to be held again.

Shuichi pulled away a few minutes later, unable to bear the sweet smell of Yuki's cologne any longer, and smiled at the blonde in a self-depreciating way. He fingered the wet spot on Yuki's shirt lightly and smiled again.

"Sorry I bawled all over you," he muttered.

Yuki snorted and put a hand over the fingers. "It's nothing for you to be sorry about. You're sad and you cried. It's the healthy thing to do," he whispered.

Shuichi snorted again and used his free hand to brush the golden bangs out of Yuki's eyes. "What are you feeling right now?" he asked.

Yuki started but recovered quickly and smiled. "Confused."

"You're not the only one," Shuichi said, "but what are you confused about?"

Yuki sighed and took a minute to think before responding. "Everything. This… Us." The words made Shuichi's heart soar and burn into flames at the same time, but he didn't get a chance to respond before Yuki voiced his thoughts for him. "I know that it will be forever before we can ever be together again like we were before, but…" He paused again, thinking. "…I don't want to lose you again. I can't bear to think about what life will be without you."

The words stabbed straight through Shuichi's heart and tears began to well up in his eyes again. "Eiri,…I-I can't."

The blonde drew the crying man into his arms again and laid his head on top of Shuichi's raven-locks. "I know. I know you can't."

Shuichi cried quietly and Yuki just ran his fingers through his hair. God…when would he grow up and stop crying for once? And all the tears were just making his headache ten times worse.

When they finally pulled apart, Shuichi stood up from the floor and walked away, well aware of the confused eyes that followed his every move. "I-I need to head home. I know that I told K that I wasn't going in, but I need to write and I need to think and…I need to get rid of this fucking headache," he said and rubbed at his head.

Yuki nodded and stood up as well, headed for the door and his car.

"What are you doing?" Shuichi asked.

"Well, last I checked, you didn't have a car to get home in so I _was_ going to take you home. Is that okay?" Yuki cursed at the hints of aggravation showing through his words and quickly tried to recover himself with a smile.

Shuichi nodded and shrugged on his jacket. "Where is here, anyway?" he asked while he and Yuki walked out to the car.

"Just a little place out in the country," Yuki said, climbing into the black Mercedes. "You'll find out on the way back to your house."

Shuichi just nodded and climbed into the passenger side.

Most of the trip was made in silence. Well, talking silence. Sometime while on the highway, Shuichi turned on the radio and began singing along. It was hard rock but Yuki didn't seem to mind it, and Shuichi was glad for that. Their first single as a rock band, "Because You Make Me", came on and Shuichi began to reminisce as he sang. Memories of meeting Ben and writing their first CD with him started to surface, but he quickly tuned them out. Those memories also brought forth memories of when he first gripped the blade and carelessly shed his own blood.

Time flies and, a rather short hour and a half later, Yuki pulled into the parking lot of Shuichi's apartment. He cut the engine and turned down the radio that continued to play unless one of the doors was opened and smiled.

"Welcome back."

Shuichi nodded and opened the door. "Thank you, Eiri."

"Anytime," Yuki said and Shuichi climbed out of the sports car, closing the door behind him.

As he walked to the building's entrance, Shuichi heard Yuki start the car and he waved a quick goodbye over his shoulder before disappearing behind the tinted glass doors. There, he watched and waited for Yuki to leave, his heart silently breaking.

When the car pulled out of the parking lot and out of view, Shuichi sighed and turned toward the elevator. Things were going to be different now, he knew they were. He was just wondering how they were going to work out.

**--------------**

A raven-haired twenty year old sat solemnly walked throughout the empty hallways of NG Records, black sunglasses covering his broken grey eyes. It had been a month since Tatsuha had last talked Shuichi, and that had been when he left without an excuse or reason. Just because he had to. But he wanted to talk to him, wanted to make the man understand that it hadn't been his fault. It had been his past's and everyone else's.

A small sound that sounded somewhat like a snort snuck past his lips and the man shook his head. What in the hell was he thinking? Shuichi wouldn't want to see him again, not after what he had done. And how many times had he seen the man with his brother this past month? Too many times to count. He was really starting to wonder about what was going on between them.

The raven-haired young man sighed and turned around, headed for the elevator. If his head hadn't have been down and if he would have been paying a bit more attention, Tatsuha would have noticed the footsteps that grew faster and faster toward him before it had been to late. Tatsuha was tackled to the ground and his ass landed heavily on the marble floor, almost with a force hard enough to break his tailbone.

"What the fuck!" he yelled, his eyes closed against the pain. "Watch where in the hell you're going next time, won't ya?"

"Why are you so angry, Tat-chan?" Tatsuha tensed at the voice and opened his eyes to see Ryuichi Sakuma sitting on his stomach. "What's wrong?"

Cursing, Tatsuha felt for his sunglasses and found that they weren't on his face. God dammit! The eyes were the window to the soul and his naked eyes were now showing everything that he had felt in the past month and more.

"Nothing," he said and turned his face away from the brunette atop of him.

"Why are you lying to me, Tat-chan?" Ryuichi whined, putting a hand under the young man's chin to make him look at him. Tatsuha closed his eyes. "What did I do to make you angry?"

"You didn't do anything, Sakuma-san," Tatsuha whispered. The feel of his sex-god's hand under his chin was enough to drive him insane. And he hadn't gotten any for almost three months now. If you knew his brother's sex drive, you'd know that Tatsuha's wasn't very far behind.

"Then why do you look so sad?"

Tatsuha opened his eyes and cursed at the pure cuteness sitting on his stomach. The tears that hadn't already fallen down Ryuichi's face were welling up in the brunette's eyes, only to fall and be replaced by even more. He reached out and gently brushed away the tears, sucking in a breath when his fingers came in contact with the god's perfect skin.

"I've had a bad month, Sakuma-san. That's all," he whispered. "You had nothing to do with it."

"Promise?" Ryuichi asked, the tears marring his voice.

"I promise," Tatsuha said and smiled softly.

Ryuichi smiled brightly and the tears cleared almost as quickly as they had appeared. The brunette carefully stood up and extended a helping hand to the young man, which Tatsuha took gratefully.

"What are you doing here, Tat-chan?" the man-child asked. "Are you looking for Shu-chan?"

Tatsuha winced and closed his eyes at the question, cursing himself again when he felt a hand rest on each of his shoulders. He wouldn't cry, he wouldn't cry, he wouldn't… The damn broke and tears began to flow out of Tatsuha's eyes. He barely heard the brunette gasp, but he felt when the man took him into his arms and let him cry into his shoulder. Tatsuha's knees gave out and he slid to the floor, but Ryuichi never once let go of him. He just fell with him.

"Sh…," Ryuichi whispered. "Cry…let it all out. It'll be okay."

Tatsuha shook his head. "No, it won't," he cried. "Nothing will be okay."

Ryuichi sighed and rocked the man back and forth, back and forth. Slowly, Tatsuha's sobs stopped, but the tears wouldn't stop flowing. It was the first time he'd cried about…well, anything since he went to see his brother the day he broke up with Shuichi. Then, he had cried and told the blonde everything, about Rori, about Shuichi, about his fears, about…everything. He left himself completely naked that night, but he didn't know if he would be able to do it again.

He pulled away a few minutes later and diverted his eyes from the worried man beside him. Instead, he kept his eyes locked on the wall across the hallway.

"You're not okay, are you?" Ryuichi asked, and Tatsuha could already sense the man's childish façade wearing off in waves.

He sighed. Did he always manage to make everyone unhappy? Why had he even bothered to keep himself around for so long if all he brought with him was pain and hate?

Tatsuha shook his head and stood up, his mind the clearest it had been in a long time. He knew what he had to do and nothing would keep him from doing it.

"Thank you, Sakuma-san," he whispered and bowed before walking off.

He got in the elevator at the end of the hallway and hit the ground floor button. He was going to go home. Someplace where he didn't have to worry about making anyone happy, just himself, and he knew that that wouldn't be happening anytime soon. The elevator started moving and Tatsuha's stomach shot up into his chest, but he didn't feel it. He was too busy wallowing in his self-pity to realize anything.

The elevator dinged and the doors opened and Tatsuha walked out before they were even open all the way. He didn't fumble for the keys to his car in his pocket, he didn't head over toward his car, he didn't see the person following him. What he did see, however, was the heavy traffic flying by on the street at the edge of the parking lot, past the sidewalk.

He increased his pace and was soon running toward the traffic, a blue Mustang convertible filling his sight as it flew, blindly, toward the place that would end his pain and fear.

"Tatsuha! Don't!" someone behind him yelled and he was pulled back, that person's arms wrapped around his waist. "You don't want that! You don't want to die!"

The raven-haired man struggled against the person's hold and screamed, telling them to let him go, telling them that it was best for him to go and stop hurting everyone. No one looked, no one cared, no one saw.

Tatsuha was whipped around and the person crashed their lips against his in a forceful kiss. The young man struggled to get away, wanted to get back to what he had been preparing himself to do, but the person wouldn't let go. Soon, he found himself melting in the person's embrace and he opened his grey eyes to stare into crystal blue one's. His eyes widened when he realized who it was that was kissing him, and he began to hungrily return the kiss. Tears were falling down the other man's eyes and Tatsuha pulled away, his forehead resting lightly on his god's forehead.

"Why did you have to stop me?" he whispered, wiping the tears away with his thumb.

"Why wouldn't I?" Ryuichi asked, his voice layered with tears. "Why would I just let you go?"

Tatsuha moved his head and looked away. "Because I can't make anyone happy. All I know how to do is make people hurt."

Ryuichi started at the conviction in the man's voice and pulled Tatsuha into a tight hug. "But you make me happy," he whispered into Tatsuha's ear. "You always make me happy, and I hate seeing you sad."

"No, please, don't," Tatsuha moaned and struggled to get away, but Ryuichi wouldn't let go. "I can't."

"You can't what, Tat-kun? What can't you do?"

"I can't love someone again because then I'll just remember and I'll end up leaving. I can't do it," Tatsuha sobbed. "I can't take it anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone else."

Ryuichi's grip relented a little bit and he pulled Tatsuha back so he could look at him. "Who do you think you have hurt?"

"Rori. Shuichi. Everyone. I've failed everyone."

A hand connected with Tatsuha's cheek and his eyes snapped open, his hand rising to touch the red spot. He looked at the seething man before him and quickly looked away. Ryuichi was never meant to look as mad or as worried as he was now. He was never born to show those two emotions on his face.

"Dammit! Snap out of it, Tatsuha!" the man yelled. "You haven't failed anyone and you're crazy if you think that you have. Everyone cares the world about you. Can't you see that?"

Tatsuha squeezed his eyes tighter and a sob snuck past his lips. He was lying, he had to be. No one cared about him and no one ever had. Tatsuha's hands flew up and he gripped his head.

"No!" he screamed. "Stop lying! Don't lie to me!"

The strong arms wrapped around the crying man tightened and Tatsuha laid his head on Ryuichi's shoulder.

I'm not lying to you, Tatsuha," Ryuichi cooed. "Why would I? You mean the world to me."

"No, I don't. No, I don't," Tatsuha chanted, shaking his head. "I can't. I won't. No!"

The boy tore out of Ryuichi's grasp, too fast for the god to react, and dashed into the street.

**-------------**

Cat-like silver eyes coldly looked out on the crowd surrounding the stage, the man's long auburn bangs hiding the glare from the crowd. The band was back out for an encore and he wanted to make it a good one, no matter how angry he was.

He struck a cord on his guitar and the crowd screamed. Next, Fujisaki hit a sweet ass beat on his synthesizer, followed by an extended solo by Ben. The lights flashed insanely, making the man pray that no one in the crowd had epilepsy, and then stopped. The entire stage was left in black and Fujisaki started a disturbing beat on his synth. It was just the noise of water dripping, but, if you knew what the lyrics that followed were, it would give you the chills too.

The unhindered voice of Bad Luck's vocalist poured out over the crowd…sad, dejected, broken.

_Drip, drip, drip…  
The sound's addicting  
Feel the pain? You wanna scream?  
Nothing's left, you're alone.  
Alone to hurt…  
alone to die._

The song didn't have any kind of direct chorus, but the dripping was somewhat muted by the kicking up of the band. Hiro and Shuichi strummed at their guitars and Ben started to beat on his helpless drums. It was the most metal song that Bad Luck had ever played, and possibly the most depressing.

_Drip, drip, drip…  
The tears don't come  
as easily as they used to,  
letting it all build insurmountably.  
You're about to burst,  
you need a release.  
You grab the blade,  
drag and press down_

Pause, drip, continue…

Hiro's guitar solo…finally, his time to shine. He stepped forward and let the burning lights fall onto his figure as he played his guitar forcefully. They were his own tabs, something for him to be proud of, and he played like there was no end. Even though he knew that there was.

He played out the last long chord after Shuichi started singing again, the guitar screeching.

_Drip, drip, drip…  
No one knows, no one sees  
the cuts that heal scarlessly.  
You wanna run, wanna hide,  
wanna scream, wanna cry.  
You want someone to see  
you're not invisible._

Silence except for the drip, drip, dripping of the synth fell, and Shuichi belted out the last verse as if it would be the last thing he would ever do.

_Drip, drip, drip…  
It's too much for you to handle.  
You want it all to go away.  
Reach out, grasp your salvation.  
Set it down and pull.  
It's all fading now,  
everything is gone._

Drip, drip, drip…Fujisaki played out the end of the song and finished it off slowly. The crowd erupted into cheers and the band bowed, Ben beating at his drums again.

"You guys rock!" Shuichi yelled and bowed one last time before retreating back stage.

The silver eyes followed, never once leaving the black clad back of the man. They needed to talk, really talk.

Hiro followed Ben and Fujisaki off stage and was headed for his dressing room when his cell phone rang.

He sighed and answered.

"Hello?" he asked, his eyes widening at who and the tone of voice that who had on the other line.

"S-Sakuma-san? Calm down, what's the matter?"

Panic was weaved through the man-child's voice when he spoke, just making Hiro's blood pressure and own panic rise.

"Tatsuha? WHAT! Is he okay? What happened?"

Hiro's breath hitched in his throat and tears immediately began to form in his eyes when the god told him what had happened earlier that morning.

"He ran out into heavy traffic? No… Okay. We'll be there as soon as we can!"

He hung up his phone and stomped back to the dressing room, his anger flaring at Ryuichi's words. It was all his fault. All his goddamn fault!

Hiro made it to the dressing room and threw open the door, not the least bit surprised to see Yuki there talking with Shuichi while he got ready to leave. Shuichi peaked his raven head out from around his curtain and grinned when he saw that it was Hiro, basically skipping out to met the auburn-haired guitarist.

"Damn, dude, we kicked ass tonight!" the man yelled, engulfing his friend in a hug.

"Hm…" was all that Hiro said in response.

Shuichi stepped back, first bad move, and put a hand on Hiro's shoulder to ask what was wrong, second bad move. Hiro lunged out at the man and punched him across the face, making the surprised man fall back onto his ass.

Shuichi put a hand to his cheek and drew it away, looking at it in disbelief, before narrowing his eyes in anger. "What the fuck's your problem!" he growled, standing up from where Hiro laid him down.

Hiro stood back and had to refrain himself from lashing out again.

"I was just informed that Tat-chan tried to commit suicide. He ran out in front of heavy, moving traffic," he said as casually as he could, even though he was a ticking time bomb inside. "Sakuma-san said that it was because he was depressed about you."

"Tatsuha what!" Yuki yelled, his eyes wide with fear. "He wouldn't!"

Shuichi's eyes widened in surprise and then narrowed once again in anger. "Don't you dare blame this on me, Hiro. Don't you dare."

Hiro snorted and turned his head away from the man before him. "Oh, he would Yuki. And why not? Shuichi tore his heart to shreds, so why wouldn't it be his fault? Huh, why not, Shuichi!"

"Because he left me, you dumb ass!" Shuichi growled and returned the punch that Hiro had dealt him.

Hiro chuckled and put a hand up to his cheek. "You hit like a girl, Shuichi."

Shuichi growled and lashed out at his friend again, but Hiro grabbed onto his wrist before he had time to do anything.

"And what do we have here?" he asked and grinned, turning the man's arm so the underside of his forearm showed. "One, two, three, four,…" Hiro counted the rest of the cuts silently and grinned again. "Someone's been a little mad at themselves lately."

Shuichi ripped his arm out of the man's grasp and pulled the sleeve of his jacket down. "It's none of your business!" he yelled and turned around, headed for his car keys.

"We're not done here!" Hiro yelled and grabbed Shuichi's shoulder, hard enough to make the man screech.

"Dammit, Hiro! What the fuck is your problem! I haven't done a damn thing wrong! He's the one that left me so he shouldn't want to kill himself because of that. I was the one that wanted to die." He said the last part in a whisper and ripped his shoulder out of Hiro's tight grasp. "But that's not what matters now!"

Hiro stood and watched as his friend walked over to the small dressing table and grabbed his car keys, sticking his cell phone in his pocket.

"Which hospital was it?" the man asked when he turned around.

"I thought it didn't matter," Hiro sneered.

Shuichi growled and turned his face away. "Why are you being such a dickhead, Hiro? Tatsuha is my friend and I want to see how he's doing. Am I not allowed to do that?"

Hiro started and then smiled, having fun toying with the man. "Why am I being such a dickhead?" he laughed out loud, throwing his head back as he did. When he looked back at the man, all that shown in his eyes was anger and pain. "Because you go back to _this_ dickhead," He pointed at Yuki. "and leave Tatsuha out in the cold. My relationship is falling down around my ears because of all the shit that's been going on and I can't do anything to stop it. You've started to fucking cut again and I've always gotta be paranoid and worried that you just might end up slipping one time." He paused to take a breath, thinking as he did. "Do you still want to know what the fuck my problem is, Shuichi? 'Cause I can go on all night!"

"Eiri and I aren't together, thank you very much!" Shuichi yelled. "And we probably never will be."

Hiro laughed again. "So that's why he visited the first half of our tour in February?" He grinned devilishly when Shuichi's eyes widened. "Yeah, I saw that. You can tell me that you all didn't have a little fuck every other visit or so."

Shuichi scowled and punched Hiro across the face again. "Dammit, man! There's nothing between us! Now, will you please tell me what the address is so I can see how Tat-kun is doing! I want to make sure he's okay!"

"It's the downtown hospital," Hiro muttered and watched as Shuichi ran out the door, Yuki followed after in silence.

He stood there in the empty dressing room and finally let the damn he had built to hold back his tears while fighting break. The tears fell from his eyes and left burning trails down his face. Hiro screamed and fell to his knees, burying his hands in his hair.

Why was everything around him going so horribly? Why did he have to be so harsh? So mean? Had he just lost his best friend? His brother?

"Dammit!" he yelled and pulled at the long locks in anger. "Why in the hell is everything so wrong!"

He pounded his fists into his head and his tears turned to sobs, letting all the pent up anger and frustration of the past week pour out of his heart.

TBC…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: Can you say depressing? Whoo…damn that was sad. And I cried, too. But I had a bad…no, horrible week and needed to let my anger out somehow. This seemed to be the best and healthiest way…

Sorry that this took so long to come out. As I just said, I had a BAD week so it took me forever to write. And sorry for any spelling errors. I kinda didn't have time to edit it before posting it…

Okay…review of reviews…

**Celina:** For being the first to read and reply…THANKS SO MUCH! I'm glad you liked it! _glomp_…; **GravityNeko:** _blushes_ Thanks, Neko-chan…; **shadow0:** _cries_ I'm so sorry! Please don't hate me!…; **Guren:** Yeah, I hope you kinda got a little bit of Hiro's problem with this chappie. If not, I'm sorry. I'll work harder…; **Tara-Yuki Uesugi:** You're lucky! I wanted my tongue pierced so bad!…; **Crystal Flowers:** He, he…feelings to himself. _smiles_ But I got what you meant…; **tangerine-asuka:** I really hope this was good enough!…; **The Mysterious S:** Ooo…LONG review. I like the big 'uns. I'm glad that you liked the piercing thing too, but I'm sorry that I made you cry. I didn't mean it! But I cried too…; **Sour-Skittlez:** I'm tryin'! And thanks for the love! It's much appreciated…; **animegirl12182:** I think you need more sleep, girl! You're always sleepy! _smiles _But I can't talk. Night's the best and only time to write…_hugs…_; **eiri-chan:** He, he…thanks…; **Ryuichi Sakuma:** I hope I made Kumagorou happy! And you too!…; **sakuryo:** Okay…not much of a genki baka, but I'm workin' on it. I promise!…; **CassiToTheStars:** Ooo…another big 'un. _sighs_ I'm glad that you liked it! I always looked forward to your reviews! I hope you liked the update…; **Sammy -.-zzz: ** He, he…yeah…I get what you meant…; **shadowcat06:** I'm glad that you enjoyed it…; **subzero13: **Thanks! I hope you enjoyed!…; **LadyRave:** Was the break-up bad? I've had mixed reviews and I don't know if ya'll hate me or not. Do you? _pouts_ And I promise to read your fic A.S.A.P…; **Dhampir:** Don't worry. I'm just glad to have a review from you because I LOVE your stuff! And I really think that your stuff is better than mine, but hey…everyone's their own worst critic, right? _hugs_ THANK YOU SO MUCH!…; **Cradle 2 the Grave:** Ooo…good movie. Wait…he, he. DAMN, this is scary! You sound just like me. Ooo…creepy. And don't worry about venting. I've done it plenty of times this week and I even now about the whole bastard school counselor thing. It sucks! If you ever really need to vent…you can e-mail me…it's in my profile…; **animesnowprincess:** Details revealed in chapter 2…; **Hiyruuthewarrior:** Dude! You rock! Evvy and LC kick ass! And I'm glad that you're not angry anymore! I hate when people get mad at me for it so I'm glad that you're not mad a Shu anymore…; **Trina:** Ooo…thank you! I do want to be an author so bad! And Stephen King kicks ass!…

Damn…twenty-three reviews! _glomps everyone_ Thank you all soo much! You have no idea how happy this made me! Well, I guess I should go. It's midnight-thirty and I'm falling asleep while I'm typing. It's kinda funny, but sad at the same time…

I'll see ya'll at the beginning of chapter 16! Ja!…


	16. Taking it Slow

I'm back…still…once again…again. Hm…did I confuse you? Yes? No? Damn! And I was trying so hard, too…_smiles_…(Damn, I'm weird)…

Okay…so this is chapter sixteen, huh? Damn. What a trip. I really don't want to end it, but writer's block is becoming more and more frequent (if you couldn't tell) and I think I know why. But…alas…I have started a new fic (and not just a one-shot) that I'll be posting once I finish this. I've already got three chapters done so by the time I'm done with this I'll have lots. I hope you all like it as much as you've liked this 'cause I'm really worried…

Okay…I guess I'll leave you alone and let you read now. Ja!…

**Disclaimer: **If it was mine, I wouldn't have to write this stupid thing on every damn chapter. I would also be bragging my ass off and out partying with my friends. So…obviously…it's not mine…

**Taking It Slow…**

Time passes, people change. Sometimes it can be for the best, other times it's for the worst. It depends on who the person is and what games that time passage chooses to play. A person with all the joy and love in the world can turn into a heartless bastard in a matter of days, hours…minutes. A person can lose their will to live, love, share, experience. Time breaks the seal of the Pandora's Box that you keep hidden in the back of your mind and lets old, painful, deadly memories free to wreck their havoc. You can't take it, you want to end it, you want to die…

He had wanted to end it, to make everything better for himself…for everyone else, but the world had to betray him and make him live another day, another month. And for what? So he could lie in a hospital bed, unable to eat, walk, breathe, or take a shit on his own? Oh, what a grand thing to live for.

The boy that wasn't really a boy opened his grey eyes and looked around the dark and sterile hospital room, letting them linger on each sleeping face. He was more than surprised to see so many people sleeping there, but he didn't know why. Why was everyone so worried about him? A blonde and brunette that he remembered as his brother and sister had informed him that he had been in coma for a month and half. Or was it two? He couldn't remember why or how or what had happened and it made him mad. He wanted more than anything to remember…anything. But the puzzles pieces in his mind were too wet to work with and put back into recognizable images and memories. All he knew were faces, no names.

The shifting of his bed and fingers grating against his own pulled the boy out of his thoughts, and he looked down to see a sleeping brunette. The brunette's fingers were entwined with his own and his head lay softly on the bed next to them. The boy frowned and cocked his head slightly. The sleeping man's name was right on the tip of his tongue, but the words wouldn't form. He knew that he should know who the man was, but he didn't.

Reaching out slowly, the boy gently raked his fingers through the shaggy, brown locks. His hair was so soft and his sleeping face was so peaceful. An incoherent jumble of words slipped past the sleeping man's lips and the boy jumped, pulling his hand back as fast as his injuries would allow him to.

The man's eyes opened and the beautiful, blue orbs made contact with the boy's grey ones in an instant. The brunette gasped and quickly moved to sit on the edge of the bed, tears forming in his eyes.

"T-Tatsuha?" the man asked.

The boy frowned again and closed his eyes, thinking.

_Who's Tatsuha? Is that me? Am I Tatsuha?_

"Is that me?" the boy asked.

The brunette nodded and smiled happily, even though tears were pouring down his face. The boy reached out and brushed away some of the tears, wondering why the man sighed and relaxed at his touch.

"Why are you crying?" he asked and cocked his head. "Did something happen?"

The man shook his head and smiled again, warming the boy's heart. "No, nothing happened. I'm just glad that you're awake."

The boy smiled and let the man embrace him in a tight hug.

"Do you remember anything that happened, yet?"

The boy shook his head and closed his eyes. He concentrated on the last of his memories, but he didn't see. All he heard were the same sounds that came whenever he tried to remember why he was in the hospital. But this time, instead of shoving the noises aside as insignificant, he concentrated on them and tried to figure out what the noises were. They were all so similar but each one was different. He heard something…a horn.

"Cars," he whispered. "I remember cars."

All of a sudden, black curtain shrouding the noise lifted and heavy traffic was unveiled. The traffic was getting closer and closer. If he didn't stop, he was going to run right out into the street and get hit. Something wrapped around his waist and he was held back. He opened his mouth to scream, but no sound came out. The boy turned around and his eyes met with blue and brown…

"You…," he muttered, looking at the man sitting there. "You were there, weren't you?"

The man looked down as if he was ashamed and the boy dove back into his mind, back into the memory.

The brunette was kissing him deeply, passionately. They pulled apart a few seconds later and the brunette's mouth started moving but no sound came out, just like when he had screamed. Next, against his will and before he knew what was going on, the boy's own mouth started moving without any sound. They each spoke between each other for a few minutes and the man hugged the boy closely, protectively, but the boy tore out of his embrace and ran out into traffic.

Tires screeched but the car couldn't slow down fast enough. It was still going forty when it crashed into the boy's side, sending his back crashing into the windshield. The glass broke and the boy felt it stab into his back, tearing his skin and making him bleed. His arms and legs were now just numb, unimportant limbs. His back screamed with pain. The boy tried to move, but the pain was too much and sent him into darkness.

"No," the boy said and shook his head violently. "I didn't. It didn't happen. It was just a dream." He pounded his fists into his forehead and pulled his knees up to his chest. "Why would I? What happened?"

The brunette was at his side in an instant and had his arms wrapped around the boy. "What do you remember, Tatsuha?" he whispered.

The boy shook his head and whined. "I…I remember that I was sad, very sad, and I left a building. I didn't see or hear you following me. I started to run and had my eyes locked on a car…some American car. I got faster and closer to the edge of the road. You caught me and pulled me back and pulled me around and…kissed me," the boy looked up at the man in confusion but the brunette just twirled his hand…_Go on_. "You said something but I didn't hear it. Then I said something. We talked for a minute or two and you hugged me, but I…I tore out of your arms and ran in front of a car." At this, he winced and a sharp pain shot down his spine. "God, it hurts."

Echoing silence resonated throughout the room, and the two just sat there, unable to think of things to say. Finally, he boy got something and looked up.

"Is it real? Or is it just a dream?" he asked, tears stinging his eyes.

The man looked down in that same self-ashamed way and sighed. "I-It's real. All of it is real."

"Why! Why did I do it? What was so bad that I wanted to commit suicide?" the boy asked frantically. He really didn't know what was so bad, but that was probably because he couldn't remember anything.

"I can't tell you that, Tatsuha. You'll remember it all in due time."

Tatsuha nodded and began to search the room for a clock. He found a digital one on his bedside table and was surprised to see that it was two o'clock in the morning.

"I'm sorry that I woke you," he mumbled to the brunette, who chuckled.

"A minute spent with you while you're awake is an hour for me," the brunette said and hugged him again. "I'm glad that you woke me."

The boy smiled and ransacked his mind to get a name to go along with the beautiful man's face. Why was he getting a weird feeling in his stomach? Why did this man make him feel so happy when he was obviously sad?

He closed his eyes and searched deeper within his mind. Shaggy brown hair, blue eyes, a bright and happy smile…who was it?

Seeming to know what the boy was trying to do, the man cupped the side of his face in a hand and smiled. "Don't strain yourself if you don't remember, Tatsuha. I'll still be here when you do."

The boy opened his eyes and nodded before closing his eyes against the gentle hand on his cheek. Before he knew what was happening and had time to react, the man captured his lips in a short, gentle kiss and pulled away. The boy's eyes snapped open and began to search the man's eyes for something. He knew that he shouldn't be scared or surprised because he knew that he shared the same feelings for the man before him, but it was disconcerting to love someone you didn't even remember knowing.

"Sorry," the man said and looked away.

"Don't be," the boy said. "I'm just confused. It's just that…I remember knowing you all, I just don't remember you. Does that even make any sense?" He chuckled. "Probably not, but it's all that I can think of to say.

I know that, somewhere in my mind, your name and how I know you and who you are are there. I just don't know where. But, there's also something inside me that tells me that I feel the same about you that you feel about me." The boy sighed and dropped his head, burying his fingers in his hair. "I'm just so damn confused."

The man chuckled and placed one of his hands over the free hand that lay in the boy's lap. "I am, too, but we'll get everything fixed and you'll remember soon. I promise."

The boy nodded and lay back on the bed, burying his head in the pillow. He yawned and the man smiled warmly.

"Tired," he asked?

The boy nodded and let the man hug him before closing his eyes. The bed shifted and extra weight was removed and the boy opened his eyes quickly, reaching out and latching onto the retreating man's wrist. The man turned around and looked at him in question.

"Please don't leave me," the boy whispered. "I don't want to be alone." The man chuckled and looked around the room. "They're different. They're all lying far away from me. I want someone to be close to me."

The man's mouth formed an O and he smiled. "Where would you like me to stay, Tat-kun?"

As quickly as he could (which was pretty damn slow) the boy moved over and patted the empty spot on the bed next to him. The man's eyes widened and he chuckled, shaking his head.

"I can't lay there, Tat-kun. I'll end up tossing and I'll crush you or fall off."

"Please?" the boy asked, moving over even more.

The man sighed and gave in. The boy smiled and lifted the blankets, allowing the man to crawl under them with him, and snuggled up to his side. He buried his head in the man's chest and sighed, wrapping his arms around his waist.

"Thank you," he muttered when he felt the man's fingers begin to gently run through his hair.

The man laughed. "No problem."

It wasn't long before they both fell asleep on the bed in the warmth and comfort of each other's arms. When the other's finally stirred, they were surprised but didn't disturb them. The sight was just too perfect.

**-------------**

Eiri Uesugi walked down the hallway of the hospital, lost in his thoughts and fears. He would have never been able to imagine his joyful brother on the brink of suicide. Never did he think that Tatsuha would ever jump in front of heavy traffic to end something the boy had always cherished. No matter how bad his past or present were, Tatsuha had always been happy. Or, that what everyone thought.

The blonde knew what it felt like to want to die, knew that feeling all too well, and wished that he would have been able to help his younger brother when he needed it. But the bond between them had diminished to almost nothing in the duration of their hate and coldness toward each other while battling for Shuichi's affections. He quietly cursed at himself. Just another thing he could've prevented if he hadn't have been so stupid.

He finally made it to door 422 and stopped, gazing in through the small, square window embedded in it. His heart tore when he saw the scene inside. Everyone else had gone home after spending the night with the broken boy, to or against their will, and he and Shuichi had agreed to come see the boy today. They would have come last night, but…

The blonde tore his eyes away and took a seat in one of the uncomfortable, plastic chairs across the hall. He couldn't go in there, there was no way. Everything that had happened was slowly eating away at Shuichi's soul and he was almost an empty shell. The only way to make sure that the man was alive was to poke him and see if he moved. If he didn't…he was gone, but he did every time. Everything, even the sadness, had been drained from the man's eyes and all they were now were dead.

The blonde sighed and buried his hands in his hair. Shuichi wasn't capable of living on his own, but the hospital wouldn't take him in and there was no way that Yuki would allow anyone to put him into a mental hospital. Hiro refused to take care of him (what a great friend) and no one else had the time to spare to take care of him, so Yuki had taken it upon himself.

Bad idea? No, it was that. It was just…difficult. He couldn't count on two hands the number of times he had walked in on a sobbing and bloody Shuichi in the bathroom this month. He wouldn't condemn, he refused to do it. He would just sit next to the hurt man and embrace him until he was calm and he could pry the bleeding arms away from Shuichi's chest. Some of the cuts were deep, others were just nicks that would easily and scarlessly heal, but they all still poured the red plasma. Sighing, Yuki would always pull out gauze, rubbing alcohol, and Neosporin, and clean and bandage the wounds before stripping off Shuichi's bloodied pants and shirt and carrying him back into his bedroom.

He'd gotten hardly any sleep and that had only been lately. Before, he would bring carry Shuichi back to his room and lay him on the bed. Then, he would either sit on the floor and watch him all night or would curl up on the bed next to the man. It all depended on what state of mind the man was in. Now, however, he had completely cleared the room of everything but a futon mattress and, as much as he hated to do, locked Shuichi in the room at night so he couldn't get to the bathroom and his blades.

Yeah, those damn blades. No matter how many Yuki threw away, Shuichi always got more. Whether he tore apart a new razor that Yuki had forgotten to hide or a broken knife that Yuki had forgotten to put in the locked drawer, he always got a new one…or two…or three. And he hid them so strategically that it was hard to fathom. How could someone who seemed to be on the brink of insanity be so sane?

Sighing, the man came out of his thoughts and stood again. He had to go into the room, no matter how hard it would be, because it was his duty as a brother. Even if Tatsuha was asleep, which he usually was, he still needed to show respect.

He crossed the hall and opened the door, surprised that Shuichi actually noticed him entering. The man turned and smiled brightly before jumping out of the chair and running across the room to glomp the confused man.

"YUKI!" the man giggled and hugged him tightly. "Where have you been?"

The blonde, instead of answering, stood speechless. This wasn't right. It wasn't the old Shuichi, he was just imagining things. Too much shit had happened in the present for his mind to not want to make the past come back.

"Yuki?" the boy muttered, looking up at the blonde with big, amethyst eyes that actually showed something. Happiness, joy, innocence. But underneath: loneliness, pain, anger, confusion, sadness. It tore the blonde's heart in two. "Are you okay?" he asked.

Before he could stop himself, the blonde shook his head and closed his eyes.

_Count to ten and open your eyes. When you do, it'll all be gone. Everything will be better. It's just your imagination. One, two, three, four, five…deep breath…six, seven, eight, nine, ten…deep breath. Okay…_

The blonde opened his eyes slowly and looked down at the man. He was still looking up at the blonde with concern in those vibrant eyes. A slight frown was spread across his face, but, when he saw the man look down at him, it turned into a smile.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

Yuki shook his head, then nodded, then…he stopped when he began to shake his head again. "I…I don't know, Shuichi," he said and made eye contact with the man/boy. "Are you okay?"

The boy nodded then frowned, looking over to where Tatsuha lay asleep in the bed. "I am, but Tat-chan isn't. I wish he would wake up and stay awake and keep me company."

"I'm here to keep you company, Shu," Yuki said and grabbed onto the boy's hand, leading him over to the bed.

He took a seat in the chair Shuichi had been sitting in and patted his lap, motioning for Shuichi to sit down. The boy took the offered seat and curled up in Yuki's arms, sighing.

"Why did he do it, Yuki?" Yuki winced at the name. It had been so long since Shuichi had called him anything besides Eiri…or bastard…that he had gotten used to the nicer name.

The blonde sighed and shook his head. "It's a long story, Shuichi. You'll remember it when you want to."

Shuichi looked up at Yuki with confusion in his eyes and a frown on his face but didn't say anything. There were just some things that didn't need to be talked about.

"Okay," he said and stayed quiet.

Sometime while sitting there, they both dozed and fell asleep. Yuki didn't fall very far before someone's muttering roused him awake. He opened his eyes to see Tatsuha thrashing around on the bed, a pained expression marring his features. As quickly and gently as possible, Yuki stood up with Shuichi in his arms and set the boy back down into the chair before taking his place at his brother's side.

He sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed onto one of Tatsuha's hands with one of his own and stroked the boy's hair with the other. It helped to calm the boy a little bit but incoherent jumbles of words randomly made their ways past his lips. All Yuki could understand were names: Ryuichi, Shuichi, Rori, his mother, his father, Mika, Touma, his own name, and more.

The boy started to thrash about again and Yuki gently petted his hair, calmly waiting for the boy to relax and praying that he wouldn't wake Shuichi. One of the thrashes made one of Yuki's gestures miss the boy's head and he stroked his cheek. The boy's eyes snapped open and locked onto his brother's. Tears immediately began to brim the grey orbs and they fell, painfully, down the boy's face.

"E-Eiri?" the boy asked, surprising Yuki greatly.

Once the blonde caught a hold of himself, he nodded and smiled, tears brimming his own eyes and layering his voice. "Yeah, that's me."

The boy smiled and wrapped his arms around his brother. "I remember!" he whispered triumphantly into Yuki's ear. "I remember you!"

"Thank God," Yuki said and pulled back from his brother, watching where Tatsuha's eyes traveled to next.

That just happened to be to a wide-eyed boy in the chair next to the bed, tears falling down his face.

Tatsuha crinkled his brow at the boy, obviously trying to think of who he was, and Shuichi frowned. Yuki shook his head…_He hasn't forgotten you,_ he tried to tell the boy. _Don't worry. He'll remember._

"Shu-Shuichi?" Tatsuha asked.

The boy's eyes lit up with happiness and he nodded furiously. "Yeah…I'm Shuichi. How are you doing, Tatsuha?"

Yuki jumped. Back to the new…no old…whatever Shuichi he had been before Tatsuha was put in the hospital. Damn, this was confusing, but he hoped that this Shuichi would stay. He was a lot easier to deal with.

Tatsuha closed his eyes and rubbed at his temples. "I'm okay. I just have a really bad headache, is all."

Shuichi smiled and stood up, gracing Tatsuha with a strong hug before standing behind Yuki with his hands on the blonde's shoulders.

"Who all do you remember?" Yuki asked.

"Everyone," Tatsuha said, and his face went dark. "Where is Ryuichi?"

Both Yuki and Shuichi jumped at Tatsuha's tone of voice.

"He's at home," Yuki said. "The doctors forced everyone who had been here for the past two days to go home. We hadn't been able to come those two days so we came today."

"I need to talk to him," Tatsuha said and tried to stand up but couldn't move.

"Tatsuha…," Yuki said diverting his eyes from the angry gaze he got from his brother.

"Why in the hell can't I move my legs!" Tatsuha asked. "Why!"

"Tatsuha,…the accident,…it left you temporarily paralyzed from the waist down. The doctors said that you will be able to walk again, but it will take a lot of physical therapy."

The boy squinted at Yuki in disbelief and then looked away, an ignored and barely visible tear running down his cheek. Yuki sighed and put a hand on top of one of his brother's. Tatsuha the hard head…he didn't know what else he had been expecting but it hadn't been this.

"Tatsuha, do you remember talking to Ryuichi at all while you've been here?" The boy shook his head, eyes locked on the sunny morning outside the room's window. "Well, you have. A lot. He was the only one that you would talk to while you were awake. He was the only one that you said that you remembered, even if you didn't remember his name. Yeah, you remembered Mika and me, but you just recognized us as your older brother and sister. Nothing more, nothing less. But you remembered more about Ryu than any of us."

"It doesn't matter," Tatsuha hissed. "He let me go."

The boy finally turned his eyes onto his brother and Yuki had to strangle a gasp at what he saw in them. Or, rather, what he didn't see in them. Tatsuha's eyes were dead, void of everything that showed life and happiness. They were fathomless pits of emptiness and despair. Shuichi, on the other hand, hadn't been able to hide his reaction and Yuki heard a muffled sob escape his lips before the man's head was buried in the back of his neck.

"Tatsuha,…," Yuki started, not so sure of being able to help his brother now that he had been given a view into the boy's soul, "…it's not his fault. It all happened so quickly. There was nothing that _anyone_ could have done to stop it. To stop you."

The boy just glared and turned his head one more time, his nose stuck up in the air.

"Do…do you want me to call Ryu, Tatsuha?" This was Shuichi and the pain in his voice was too much for Yuki to bear.

The best thing that Tatsuha could've done at this point would have been to keep his head turned and his eyes locked on the picturesque day outside, the polar opposite of his newfound personality. But, instead, he turned his cold eyes onto the weak and mentally abused form of Shuichi and scowled.

"What are you doing here anyway, Shindou?" the boy spat. "Come to give me your grievances? To watch me die so you won't have to see anymore of me?"

Yuki turned in time to see Shuichi's eyes widen and the tears to start flowing. The man shook his head violently and Yuki saw some of the salty water droplets fly.

"NO!" Shuichi gasped. "Of course I wouldn't. I came to make sure you were okay, Tatsuha." Shuichi started to rub at his arms and Yuki inwardly groaned. Not a good sign. He bet that he could see what would come when he went to use the phone.

"Don't lie to me," Tatsuha growled.

A sob hitched in Shuichi's throat and he fled the room, leaving Yuki alone with his seething brother.

"Serves him right," the boy muttered under his breath.

Yuki snorted and glared at his brother in disgust, a scowl on his face. Tatsuha, seeing this, frowned and glared almost as fiercely.

"What?" he spat. "Why are you looking at me like you want to kill me?"

Yuki smirked. "Why wouldn't I? Shuichi never did anything to you, but look how you treat him. He was convinced that your break-up was completely his fault. You walked out on him without even giving him an explanation. He had to find out about Rori all on his own with a little painting that you conveniently left stashed under the rest of your belongings when you ran out on him."

Tatsuha scowled and locked his eyes back on the world outside. Yuki growled at this and lashed out, punching his brother across the face. Tatsuha was frozen for a minute, a surprised hand up on his now red cheek and bleeding lip, and then growled. The tried to return the punch, but Yuki grabbed onto his wrist before he got close enough.

"What the hell, Eiri? Why are you defending him?" Tatsuha muttered. "What did he ever do to deserve it?"

"Besides loving you with everything that he had?" Yuki spat and Tatsuha looked at him, startled. "Yeah, he loved you with all of his heart and would have never done anything like this to hurt you. If God were to put him in your place, he would have gotten over Rori to the best of his abilities and moved on with his life. Not dwelled on the grievances and darkness of his past. He's stronger than both of us, even if he doesn't show it sometimes."

Tatsuha scowled. "That still doesn't explain why you're defending him."

"I'm defending him because I've had to care for him for the past month. He wasn't able to live on his own and would be dead now if no one hadn't have helped. Hiro refused and I refused to have him put into a mental hospital. This whole ordeal has locked him in his own head." Tatsuha looked at him in confusion. "Ever heard of split personalities?" Tatsuha's mouth dropped open in surprise before he quickly covered it up, but not before Yuki saw it. "Yeah. Sometimes he's the Shuichi of four years ago, sometimes he's the Shuichi he is today, others he's a completely new Shuichi…a dead Shuichi. When this day started he was the dead Shuichi. I left the room for a little while so he could talk to you and, when I came back, he was the old Shuichi. Once you woke, he was now's Shuichi. It's so damn confusing and sad. And his cutting's only gotten worse instead of better. I have to lock him in my guest bedroom with only a futon mattress to sleep on at night, and during the day I can't let him out of my sight because I'm afraid he'll slip."

"Get out," Tatsuha whispered. Yuki just looked at the boy in confusion. When the door didn't open or close, Tatsuha whipped his head around to face his brother and snarled. "Get the fuck out of my room!" he yelled.

Yuki nodded and exited quietly. Now just to find a pay phone and one that Shuichi was at. The blonde sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. Why did everything have to be so fucked up? Why couldn't it all have just stayed nice and calm and normal and…the way things should be? Everything was so messed up and he really didn't think that anything they tried would be able to fix it.

A scream echoed out the door of a bathroom that he had been in the process of passing and he stopped, his ears sharp. He knew that voice…knew that scream.

"Shu-Shuichi?" he moaned and ran into the bathroom.

The broken man was lying in the fetal position on the floor, blood slowly dripping and pooling around his arms. The blonde gasped and ran over to where the man lay. Sobs shook Shuichi's frail body violently and his eyes were squeezed shut. But Yuki had enough time to see that he was going to be dealing with the dead Shuichi.

"Shuichi," Yuki said, kneeling beside the man. "Shuichi, please open your eyes."

Slowly, reluctantly, Shuichi opened his eyes and peered at Yuki through his raven bangs. Just as quickly, he closed his eyes and pulled his chin down to his chest.

"Eiri, no. Go away. Leave me alone," he moaned and pulled his arms closer to his chest.

Yuki sighed and shook his head. "No, Shuichi. I told you that I would never leave you and I plan on keeping true to that promise," he whispered and sat on his butt. "Now, come here."

Yuki carefully pulled Shuichi into his lap and gently pried his bleeding arms away from his chest, despite the man's fighting and protests. The cuts were deep and one of them ran all the way down his arm from his inner elbow to his wrist. Some Yuki had to look away from, unable to see without dry heaving. They were wide, gaping wounds that were beyond his help to clean and bandage.

"Go away, go away…," Shuichi chanted through sobs.

Yuki shook his head and smiled. "No, Shu. I promise that I'm going to make everything better and you're going to be happy again. You're going to smile and enjoy life like you used to."

Shuichi shook his head. "No, you can't. No one can. I'm dead."

Yuki gently brushed the bangs out of Shuichi's eyes and ran his fingers lightly down his cheek. He smiled. "You look very alive to me, Shuichi," he whispered, "and I intend to keep it that way."

Shuichi sighed against the feel of the fingers and relaxed his eyes, not opening them but releasing enough so they weren't so scrunched up. Yuki smiled again and stood, lifting Shuichi into his arms as he did.

"What did you use, Shu?" he asked before leaving the bathroom.

Shuichi pointed over to his corner and Yuki saw the scalpel lying there. He picked it up and twirled in front of his face for a second before wrapping in six layers of paper towels and sticking it in one of his jeans' pockets. How he got the blade? He didn't know and didn't care to know, but he knew that the doctors and staff of the hospital needed to learn how to keep a better watch over their utensils.

Yuki ran out of the bathroom with Shuichi in his arms, telling a janitor about the mess on the way so no one would walk into the bloody bathroom and have a heart attack. A few minutes later, he found nurse who stared at them with wide eyes before coming to her senses and taking them to an isolated room.

She told Yuki to lay Shuichi out on the bed and she pulled on a pair of rubber gloves and pulled several sterilized packets of sutures from a drawer. Shuichi, know blissfully unconscious, didn't feel the sting as she cleaned his deepest wound or the pain as she sewed it up. The rest of the wounds were just cleaned and bandaged unless they absolutely needed the sutures, which one did. When the job was done, she stood and took off her gloves.

"I'm going to get a doctor, Uesugi-san. Shindou-san needs to be checked. He looks lie he's lost a lot of blood." She ran out of the room and Yuki took a seat in her empty chair.

She was right. Shuichi did look like he had lost quite a bit of blood. His face was pale and it had just registered in the blonde's mind how light the man had been when he lifted him from the ground. Yuki shivered. Too much…way too much.

It took much longer than Yuki had expected for the nurse to find a free doctor and, by the time she returned, he was dozing in his chair with one hand in Shuichi's. The doctor tapped him on the shoulder and smiled when Yuki cracked an eye.

"I'm sorry to wake you, sir, but I need to take a peek at Shindou," the doctor said.

Yuki eyes widened for a second as he remembered what had happened and he nodded, standing up from the seat. The doctor just smiled and sat down, while Yuki retreated to the other side of the bed to hold Shuichi's other hand.

The doctor examined, flipped through Shuichi's chart, examined some more, flipped some more…it was enough to drive Yuki insane. If the doctor didn't say something soon he thought that he would die.

Finally, after ten minutes of excruciatingly long silence, the doctor looked up at Yuki and smile. "He's going to be okay," he said. "He hasn't lost more blood than his body has time to recreate so I don't think that a blood transfusion will be necessary."

Yuki nodded and relaxed, his entire body seeming to fold in on itself. "Thank you, doctor."

The doctor chuckled. "Not a problem. But," the smile faltered and a frown spread across the doctor's face, "what did Shindou use to make these wounds? How did he get it?"

Yuki scowled. "That's what I'd like to know," he said and pulled the scalpel from his pocket and handed it to the doctor.

The doctor looked at the blonde in question and Yuki just looked back.

"Open it," he said coldly.

The doctor nodded and pealed back the layers of paper towel that had kept the blade from slicing through Yuki's pants and cutting open his legs. When the flash of metal came into view, the doctor gasped and picked the bloody blade up by the handle.

"H-how did he get this!" the doctor demanded, throwing Yuki a cold glare.

"That's what I would like to know," Yuki snarled. "You're the doctor. You're one that should be keeping his tools locked up and not out in the open where someone can get a hold of them and do this or…or worse."

The doctor narrowed his eyes and stared at Yuki from behind his glasses. "What are you getting at?"

Yuki laughed, staring at the doctor in disbelief. "I'm saying that you need to keep a better watch over your instruments. What kind of idiot leaves a fucking scalpel lying out in the open anyway? What the hell?"

The doctor lowered his eyes and stared at the blade in his gloved hand.

"I'm sorry," he said after a few minutes of silence, making Yuki jump. "I'm sorry I was harsh. This has just never happened before. All of the scalpels and dangerous instruments on this floor and every other floor in this building are locked away. I have no idea how Shindou could have gotten a hold of one."

Yuki smiled, caressing Shuichi's face. "He's crafty like that." He didn't know what he felt, something inside him told him that it was pride, but for what?

The doctor smiled in return. "Apparently so."

Silence fell again and then the doctor stood, rewrapping the blade in new paper towels and taking off his gloves. "I will personally make sure that this blade is disposed of and that all others like it are locked up." Yuki nodded. "And…I hate to do this but I think it would be best if we kept Shindou here for observation. I don't want to make him feel like a goldfish but he needs to be on constant watch. I know that you care for him and have done all that you can, but it wasn't enough. He needs more."

Yuki's eye widened. "No!" he said hoarsely. "You are not going to put Shuichi into a mental hospital. I refuse it."

The doctor frowned and looked away from the blonde who was now nearing the point of tears. "I'm sorry, Uesugi-san, but you can't give him what he needs. I have had reports from other doctors and nurses that have seen him switch to a different personality as if they were his moods." Yuki nodded ashamedly. "He needs it," the doctor finished in a whisper.

Yuki looked down at Shuichi and let a sob slip past his lips. "When?"

"As soon as possible, I would like."

"But, why? Why Shuichi? Why someone who was born to be happy, beautiful, innocent? Why him?"

The doctor shook his head. "I don't know," he whispered sadly. "It takes the best of them. But don't worry, Uesugi-san. He's not going to be diagnosed as crazy. He's troubled and scared and needs help to get better. Grather-san worked for a while and so did your love and compassion, but it wasn't enough. Everything that has happened recently has pulled it back out of him and has made it worse than it ever was."

Yuki nodded, tears streaming down his face now.

"You should probably change," the doctor said and Yuki shook his head. "He'll still be here when you come back. Just go home and take a shower. Take some time to compose yourself, to think. I promise that he won't be transferred unless you are with him."

Yuki mouthed "Okay" but nothing came out. The doctor understood. He bent down and brushed the bangs out of Shuichi's eyes and kissed his forehead.

"I love you, Shu-kun," he whispered hoarsely. "You may or may not want my love, but I will always give it." He sobbed. "Forever."

Yuki stood and walked around the bed. The doctor nodded and put an arm around him, leading him out of the room in case he decided that he didn't want to go. Just before exiting and turning, Yuki threw a glance over his shoulder at the peaceful face of his sleeping love.

Things would get better. They had to…because nothing could get worse.

TBC…

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A/N: Okay…I think I just ruined my own plans with the whole mental hospital thing. Now, whether I want to or not, I think this is going to end up going over 20 chapters. Oh, well. I was starting to freak about what I would do if and when I ended this anyway. He, he. But I don't think it will make it to 30. If it does, I will make sure to hit myself with something. A brick? Nah…I'll figure it out later… And I'm sorry that there wasn't anything about Hiro, for all of you who are wondering and worrying about him. Next chapter, I promise. And I have a feeling that chapter 17 is gonna be a hard one to write… I know what I want to happen, it's just the writing and emotional torture part that's gonna get me…

Okay…I'm done with that…I guess I'll review my reviews…

**GravityNeko:** YES! I RULE!…; **Guren:** I had to have someone have a nervous breakdown. If no one did, it wouldn't be very realistic…; **tangerine-asuka:** He would be devastated if he lost either one but Yuki is the keeper of the key to his heart, not Tat (damn that sounds so cheesy)…; **Asato-chan:** WHOO-HOO! I'm a favorite!…; **Skittlez:** I'm confused…you want Hiro to commit suicide?…; **CassiToTheStars:** Drugs are bad, but this is a good one. He, he. And the Tatsuha part was so hard to write! I cried…; **sakurya:** I'm glad that you liked it…; **Ryuichi Sakuma:** I'm glad that you're not mad that you love Tat-chan…; **Syaoran is kawaii: **He's okay…kinda. Now he's just pissy and confused, but who can blame him?…; **subzero13: **Thank you…; **LadyRave:** Good! No bad habits! I can't say the same about myself, but I'm glad for you!…; **ShuichixShindou:** Sorry about that cliffie. I hope this was okay…; **animegirl12182:** What's your penname on fictionpress! I wanna read Jae-chan's stories! Onegai? _hugs_ And I'm glad that you liked the cd!…; **Hiryuuthewarrior:** You relate to Tat…me to Shu and Rori, so we're even. And Smile Empty Soul needs a new cd. I love 'em but I need new stuff…; **Sammy -.-zzz:** Thanks for the song! I like it and love the music video, but I dunno about how soon Shu'll be able to sing it…; **Trina:** Hey, you do the same thing as me. Except I print out lots and lots of fan fiction so I can zone out in my history class. He, he…; **Crystal Flowers:** Where would the fun be if I didn't leave cliffies? He, he…; **kuriqa:** Thank you reviewing and I'm glad that you like this fic. It's my baby and I love it when people tell me that they like it too…; **Lenora-chan: **_huggles_ I know that it was sad and I'll try to make 'em all better. And I'll try to write that…_coughs…_scene we talked about…_smiles_…but I dunno if I can. I'm too innocent. LmAo! I'll talk to you later…; **Celina:** Hey…sorry I haven't been on in forever! I'll try to get on soon, I promise, because I have a pinky promise to stay true too (I hope you remember and don't think I'm just a babbling idiot). I hope you liked this chapter!…

Okay…I think that's it for chapter 16. Sorry for any typos that were in this chapter! Chapter 17 is in the works. Ja ne until then…


	17. Visitation Hours

Not much to say for this except that I'm sorry that it took so long. If anyone's read my journal, they would know why, but if you didn't, here's the short hand version of why. Me and my friend…my sister…got in a huge fight over "how I deal with reality" and I'll just say that y'all are lucky that y'all are lucky that you're getting the rest of this fic. Okay…you can read now…

**Disclaimer: **Nope…_checks important files and data_…it's not mine…

**Visitation Hours…**

It had been two weeks since he had been admitted. Two weeks of torture, two weeks of hell, two weeks of confusion. Why was he here? Who were the people around him? Who had given the hospital the permission to admit him? Why didn't anyone fight for him?

Shuichi opened his eyes and gazed around the hospital room. Cold, sterile, white. Everything was white. The wall, the floor, the curtains, the sheets, the tables, the door, the handle,…even the icy metal of the bed frame was white. White. The color of life, the color of purity,…the color of madness.

The lonely boy pulled his legs up to his chest and secured them with his arms, lying his head on his knees. He checked the clock. It was four o'clock in the morning and he wasn't even tired. The three hours of sleep that he'd gotten were enough to last him the entire day. He titled his head a little bit and checked the bed next to him. His roommate was still dead asleep. That wasn't surprising. That girl could sleep for days and never wake up. Yeah, that's right…a girl. Once the staff found out that he was gay, he had been moved from his original room and put into a different one. The thought made the boy chuckle.

Sighing, the boy leaned back and laid his head against his metal headboard so he could stare at the ceiling. Almost immediately after evaluation, the doctors had diagnosed him with bipolar disorder and DID. He laughed. Of all the people in the world, he never thought that he would be the one to have multiple personalities. Knowing that he would be on drugs for the rest of his life didn't make him any happier, but at least he knew that he was doing better than everything around him…because everything around him was going to hell.

Bad Luck was falling apart, broken by he and Hiro's failing friendship. Eiri was hardly able live with himself after finding Shuichi in that bathroom in the hospital. Tatsuha was alive but as pissy as ever and still in the hospital. Touma and Mika were fighting to keep their marriage together as the birthing of their first child drew closer. Ryuichi was dead, metaphorically speaking.

"What has become of us?" Shuichi whispered to the ceiling, the only thing that didn't argue with him when ever he asked it a question. "Why has everything gone so hopelessly wrong in our worlds?"

The ceiling, just like always, didn't answer but smiled down upon the boy in polite respect.

The boy snorted and looked away to stare at the dresser across the room, wishing…no, praying for a blade. The patients in the hospital weren't allowed to have anything sharp. No pens, no pencils. Their shoes had to be laceless for the fear that one of them would remove the laces and use them to hang themselves. They were denied more than they were given and the list was too long to go on.

Shuichi sighed and untangled his arms from around his legs, letting them splay out on the bed before him. He stared at his toes in fascination, wiggling them a little…just staring. There really wasn't anything fascinating about the way the toes moved, but why had humans been given the strange appendages? They really didn't do anything…did they?

A quiet mumble echoed throughout the room and pulled Shuichi from his thoughts. He turned his head and gazed upon his slumbering roommate. The girl was nice enough and very pretty, with her short, chopped dark auburn hair and piercing blue eyes, and she understood Shuichi in a way that no one had ever been able to. She understood _why_. She, like him, was a cutter and understood his need to cut without him even needing to explain. Nothing was wrong with her, she most definitely wasn't crazy. She was like him. Alone. Scared. Troubled. Locked within a relentless mind. She _knew_.

One of the best things about her was the fact that she wasn't intimidated or flustered by his stardom. Yeah, she liked Bad Luck's music, but he was just a normal person. Just like every other celebrity out there.

Shuichi watched as the girl rolled over onto her side to face him and turned his head when she opened her eyes with a smile.

"Hi, Shu-chan," she whispered and checked her clock. "Why're you up so early? Couldn't sleep?"

Shuichi shook his head. "No, I got sleep, just not much. Why're you awake?"

"Bad dream," the girl sighed and Shuichi nodded in sympathy. He'd had a lot of those since being admitted into the hospital.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, hating the way he sounded like the counselor he was forced to see.

The girl chuckled and shook her head. "No. Not right now, maybe later."

Shuichi nodded and leaned his head back, letting it rest on the top bar of the metal headboard.

"Are you okay?" the girl asked.

Shuichi shrugged. "Depends on your definition of okay," he said, turning his head just in time to see her scowl prettily.

"You know damn well what I mean, Shuichi," she said in all seriousness.

Shuichi smiled and looked away. "Sorry, Aiko-chan. I guess I need longer than two weeks to get rid of my smartassiness."

"Is that even a word?" she asked, crinkling her nose and smiling.

Shuichi shrugged. "It is now."

The girl giggled and a comfortable silence fell between them. But they didn't need words to communicate. Shuichi unconsciously started to rub at his arms and he heard the girl smirk.

"You promised me," she whispered.

"Yeah. You, Eiri, Ryu, Nori-chan, Mom, Dad, Touma, Ben, Suguru. I promised all of you, but that doesn't mean that I'm gonna be able to keep it," he replied. "You should know that."

"I know," she said softly, then added: "How long's it been?"

"Since the hospital," he said, diverting his eyes from her cobalt blue eyes.

Aiko chuckled. "You're lying, Shu-chan," she sang. Shuichi still kept his eyes away from hers. "Please tell me, Shu-chan," she asked quietly. "You know that I won't tell anyone. I'm not a hypocrite."

"Yesterday."

The girl gasped and Shuichi smiled despite himself. He looked over to her and saw her face turn hard and serious.

"Why?"

"What?"

"Shuichi."

"Okay, okay. Ryuichi was supposed to bring Tatsuha with him yesterday to visit and Tat didn't come," Shuichi said, more to himself than to the girl. "I think he still hates me and blames me for what happened."

Silence. Shuichi heard the squeak of bed springs and then extra weight was added to his own mattress. He looked up to see Aiko looking at him in sympathy.

"And you only have him to blame for being in here. Him and that good-for-nothing 'best friend' of yours," she hissed, surprising Shuichi in the coldness of it. "They're fakes, Shuichi, and don't deserve your affection."

Shuichi smiled and patted her hand. "If only you knew."

"You seem to forget that I do."

Shuichi started and looked up to see Aiko's usually cold, blue eyes turning soft and sad. The hardships that she had been forced to go through had hardened her heart, and Shuichi was the only one who could bring out the real her. The girl's eyes were glassy and Shuichi cursed himself mentally. Why did he always make people cry?

He reached out and brushed away her tears with his thumb. "Please don't cry, Aiko. Not for me or anything to do with me, please"

Aiko sniffed and shook her head. "Crying is healthy. Cutting is not."

Shuichi sighed and closed his eyes. "Well, then. How long has it been for you?"

"The last one that I showed you when we talked a while back," the girl said, but something showed in her eyes.

Shuichi scowled. "And who's getting mad at who for lying?" he asked.

Aiko returned the scowl but had an ashamed look in her eyes. Shuichi's mood softened and his heart went out to the wreck before him. Aiko was only sixteen years old and had suffered from one straight year of self-injury. Not just cutting, but self-injury in general: cutting, hitting, burning, bulimia, excessive nail-biting, banging her head against inanimate objects until she passed out; he knew almost her entire story. Her worst, though, was cutting, and Shuichi always started to panic whenever he heard that she had started again. Her arms were covered in scars and he didn't want to see anymore.

"Aiko,…-" he started, not sure of what to say, and laid a hand on top of one of hers. "How many?"

The girl's eyes saddened and more tears began to well up in them. He sighed and wrapped his arms around the girl.

"It's okay, Aiko-chan," he cooed, petting her hair softly. "It's okay."

Aiko shook her head. I-I…didn't want…t-to do it," she muttered through sobs, "but…I-I couldn't _not _do it." She looked up at him and Shuichi's heart broke, that much numbness and pain wasn't supposed to show in her eyes…they were either cold or happy, no where in between. "Do you understand?"

Shuichi nodded and Aiko smiled sadly before breaking down again. Shuichi just sighed and rubbed her back and petted her hair until she calmed down enough to talk coherently. Silence fell between them when that time came and Aiko just stayed in Shuichi's arms until he couldn't stand the buzzing in his ears any longer.

"Let me see," he whispered, smiling when he heard Aiko sigh.

"What good will it do you?" she asked. Great, now he was going to have to deal with the cold, bitch Aiko.

He sighed. "Please, Aiko, I want to help you."

Her eyes got colder and she turned away, trying to get up off the bed, but Shuichi held onto her waist and pulled her back into a seated position. She writhed and struggled in his grasp, but he wouldn't let go.

"Aiko, please calm down," he said softly. "I just want to help you, is all. I'm not trying to hurt you."

Her struggling calmed slightly but that was only because she had broken down into tears again. Shuichi sighed and rubbed her back gently until she stopped struggling all together and just collapsed into his arms in a fit of tears and violent shudders.

A few minutes later, Aiko pulled away and finally looked Shuichi in the eye.

"Sorry," she said and smiled slightly. "I didn't mean to be such a bitch."

Shuichi laughed and brushed her bangs back out of her face. "Hey, don't worry about it. I shouldn't have asked in the first place."

Aiko shook her head. "No, it was rude and dumb of me. I know that you just want to help," she muttered. "God, I don't know what came over me."

Shuichi smiled. "Like I said, don't worry about it."

Aiko returned the smile and pulled back the left sleeve of her black sweatshirt jacket. Shuichi looked at her in question but she just stared back. He looked down and blanched at what he saw. In perfect rows down her arm were straight cuts…some were healing, some were in the process, and some appeared to be fresh. Carefully, he reached out and ran his fingers over the cuts lightly.

"I lost count at forty…," she whispered, seeming to have read his thoughts.

Shuichi looked up at her in surprise and she smiled at him. He, however, scowled.

"Why? Why did you get this bad again?"

Aiko just smiled again. "No one's come to see me or have tried to get me out for the past month," she whispered. "I think they've forgotten about me."

Another tear ran down her cheek and Shuichi's heart broke. He hadn't even noticed. What kind of friend was he?

"Hey," she muttered. "Don't worry about it, right? They've probably just been busy."

Shuichi nodded. "Does Kobata-san know?"

Aiko snorted. "That bitch knows everything," she said. "I mean, how could she not when she practically strip searches me every time I go in there for counseling."

"That's good then," he muttered.

Aiko scowled at him, but he ignored it, choosing to check the clock out of the corner of his eye.

He yawned loudly and stretched. "We still have a couple of hours 'til call. Let's try to go back to sleep."

Aiko nodded and stood up from the bed, scowling but still giving Shuichi his customary kiss on the cheek before returning to her bed. It wasn't a passionate kiss in the sense that some would think. Yeah, it _was_ passionate, but friendly.

Shuichi watched as the girl disappeared beneath her blankets, the top of her auburn head just peaking above the comforter.

"See ya in a few hours, Shu-chan," she mumbled miserably.

"Yeah," Shuichi muttered and lay on his back, his attention going back to the ceiling once again.

A few minutes later, he heard Aiko's breathing deepen and even out, letting him know that she was asleep. The boy sighed and reached below the bed, pulling out one of his dorky (but sweet) Velcro shoes. He pulled at the padding in the bottom of it and lifted it out, revealing his sacred hiding place. He pulled out the piece of cold metal and examined it before pulling up the legs of his shorts, exposing his inner thigh. Taking a deep breathe to hold back the tears that threatened to spill over, he pressed the blade down and drew, watching as the small bubbles of blood welled up at the opening before running down his leg.

Sighing in content and release, he stuck the blade back into its hiding place and put his shoe back under his bed with the other. He sucked up a mouthful of spit and stuck his finger in it, using the liquid to clean away the steady flow of blood leaving the wound.

Done and set, Shuichi pulled down the leg, glad for the black cotton, and rolled onto his side under the blankets. It wasn't long before he fell asleep.

**-------------**

What was happening to him? Why could he remember some things, but others were just fuzzy blanks in his memory? Why was he so angry? So sad? So…confused?

Tatsuha threw his head back as his brother rolled him through the park on the rainy, spring day, letting the cool drizzle fall onto his face and into his eyes. There were so many things that he couldn't remember and it drove him crazy. What happened between him and Shuichi? Were they still together? Judging from the way his brother talked about the boy, he was guessing that they weren't. He hadn't seen and/or talked to the man since that day in his hospital room when he had condemned him for things that he never did.

Oh, he had the chances to see him. Ryuichi had asked him a few weeks ago to join him on a visit, but he had refused. Why? He hadn't been sure at the time, but now he knew. He wanted to see him alone. He wanted to apologize for all of the harsh things he had done, for destroying the rest of the glue that was left to hold together the shattered pieces of the broken man.

His mind set, Tatsuha turned back to his brother

"I want to go see him," he said. Yuki nodded.

"You're sure?" the blonde asked.

Tatsuha nodded. Yuki pushed him out of the park as quickly as he could and to the sidewalk beside the street, where he hailed a taxi.

Yuki helped Tatsuha into the back seat of the yellow car and folded the wheelchair up, placing it into the trunk, before climbing in beside Tatsuha.

"Wellstone," Tatsuha muttered, ignoring the questioning look the cab driver gave him.

"Okay," the driver said and started the clock _(A/N: I've never ridden in a taxi before, but don't you pay by how long it takes it get to your destination?)_. It wasn't long before the yellow car stopped outside the white, two-story hospital.

"That'll be seven-fifty," the driver said and Tatsuha handed him a ten.

"Keep the change," he muttered and waited for his brother to get his chair and help him out.

It was a while after the taxi had pulled away before Tatsuha got the nerve to tell Yuki to take him inside, his entire body breaking out in nervous goosebumps. What would Shuichi say? What would he think? How had being in this hell hole changed him?

They went up to the front desk and smiled brightly, politely, at the receptionist.

"May I help you, gentlemen?" the woman asked nicely.

"Um, yes," Tatsuha said. "We're here to visit a patient."

The receptionist smiled (a woman by the name of Izumi-san…told by her nameplate). "Great. It's so nice when visitors come to see the patients," she said. "May I ask who you would like to see?"

"Shuichi Shindou."

The woman's eyes widened for a brief second, but Tatsuha saw it.

"What? Has something happened to him? Is he okay?" Yuki asked, his voice rising in panic. Terror began to arise inside Tatsuha, setting his nerves afire like a flame.

The woman diverted her eyes away from the men before her and began to type at her computer. "No," she said, sighing quietly. "He's fine, but he was put into solitary confinement last week." Tatsuha's panic rose even higher. "But he's out now, so he should be fine."

"W-Why was he put into solitary confinement?" Tatsuha asked, dreading the answer.

The woman sighed again. "Shindou-san was found with a blade. He had it conveniently hidden within the sole padding of his tennis shoe. The doctors found him just in time."

_Just in time for what?_ he asked himself, but dreaded the answer. The one he got as a reply from his mind was enough…_What in the hell do you think?_

"But, we can see him, right?" Tatsuha asked frantically. "I _need_ to see him!"

The woman smiled. "Of course you can, sir. Just sign the visitor's sheet and I'll call a nurse to lead you all back."

Tatsuha nodded, trying to hold back the flood of emotions, and signed his and Yuki's names, phone numbes, and the date on the piece of paper attached to a clipboard. By the time he was done, a nurse was already there and waiting for them.

"Thank you, Izumi-san," they said politely in unison.

The woman just smiled and returned to pecking away at her computer. They turned to the nurse.

"Hello. May I ask your names?" she asked, leading him down the first hall.

"Tatsuha Uesugi."

"Eiri Uesugi."

"Ah, yes," she said. "I'm glad that you all have come to visit Shindou-san. He could use your company."

Tatsuha nodded.

They walked the rest of the way in silence. Down several hallways, up an elevator, down several more hallways…it seemed like an eternity before they finally stopped outside a set of doors.

"Here we are," she said and punched a four-number code into the ominous keypad beside the door, frightening Tatsuha momentarily.

The doors opened and the nurse led the two men inside. Tatsuha looked around the room, staring in surprise at all of the sane looking people.

Seeming to sense his surprise, the nurse chuckled. "This is the acute unit. Patients who deal with issues such as Shindou-san's are here. Shindou-san's problem has gotten somewhat dangerous, but we have a closer eye over him now."

Tatsuha nodded. Cutters, self-injurers. He didn't think that there were so many…so many people like Shuichi.

He let his eyes scan the room and saw Shuichi sitting at a table with a dark-haired girl across the open area, his amethyst eyes wide in surprise at seeing Tatsuha. Tatsuha smiled at him and waved, but Shuichi looked down ashamedly.

"Excuse me, Aiko," Tatsuha barely heard him said over the noise of the crowd.

"Aw,…where are you going, Shu-chan?" the girl whined.

"I'll be back," Shuichi said and Tatsuha watched him stand and begin to walk away, down the hallway behind him.

The nurse gasped. "Shindou-san!" she yelled. "Shindou-san! You have a visitor!"

Tatsuha put a soft hand on her arm to tell her to stop and she looked at him in confusion. He smiled. "Don't worry about it," he said and looked behind him at his brother. "I can take it from here." Yuki nodded and let go of the handles, letting Tatsuha take control of the chair.

The nurse didn't say anything against it, so Tatsuha kept rolling. He followed Shuichi back to the door he had disappeared behind and tried the handle.

"Locked," he muttered under his breath and sighed.

This was going to be a lot more difficult than what he had planned in his mind on the ride over here.

"Sh-Shuichi," he started tentatively, knocking lightly on the door.

"What do you want? Have you come to torture me some more?" Shuichi asked from behind the door, ice laced into his voice.

Tatsuha shook his head and laid his palms flat on the door, leaning his forehead against the cold faux wood. "No, I came to say that I'm sorry, but I'll leave if you don't want to see me."

Shuichi didn't reply and Tatsuha sighed again. Oh yeah…this was just going to be a little bit harder than he thought it would be.

"Shu, please let me in. I just want to talk to you, I don't want to hurt you," he moaned, tears filling his eyes.

_What have I done?_

A hand fell lightly on his shoulder and Tatsuha turned around to see his brother smiling down at him.

"Let me handle it," he whispered and Tatsuha nodded. Yuki knocked lightly on the door. "Shuichi, hey, it's me. Can you let us in, please?"

"E-Eiri?"

Yuki smiled and you could hear it in his voice. "Yes, it's Eiri."

They could just barely her feet padding across the floor behind the door before the handle turned and the door was opened to reveal a wrecked Shuichi. He was ten times worse looking then when Tatsuha had last seen him. His shaggy black hair was in dire need of a trim and his skin was paler than it had been. His body had grown lanky, almost as if he was in need of something to eat, and his clothes hung off his body loosely. The worst things about his appearance, however, were his eyes. They were dead, void of everything and anything.

"Hi, Eiri!" Shuichi chirruped. "How are you?"

"I'm doing very well, Shu-chan," Yuki said and opened his arms wide. Shuichi smiled and almost ran into the blonde's embrace. Yuki held him and ran his hands through his hair softly. "How are you doing, Shuichi?" he asked when they pulled apart.

Shuichi grinned, but it didn't reach his eyes. "I'm doing okay. But obviously not well enough to avoid counseling, I still have to go to that."

Yuki nodded and walked into the room, hand in hand with Shuichi. Tatsuha had to admit, it did hurt him, but he guessed that it was his own fault after all. Wasn't it? He had been the one that had left and caused Shuichi to be put here in the first place.

Yuki sat Shuichi down on the end of the bed and sat down next to him, wrapping a hand around their entwined fingers. Tatsuha just rolled as close as he dared and watched them.

"I'm gonna go sit out in the hall for a little while, okay, Shuichi?" Shuichi nodded. "Tatsuha wants to talk to you so he's gonna stay here with you." He nodded again.

Yuki stood up and headed for the door, giving his brother an encouraging smile on the way out. Tatsuha returned the smile and looked up at Shuichi when he heard the door snap closed behind his brother. Shuichi was just staring at him, patiently waiting for him to start talking.

"Hi…, Shuichi. Um…how are you doing?"

Shuichi scowled. "Don't play nice with me, Tatsuha."

Tatsuha started and blinked a couple of times before he realized that this was the same Shuichi who had been full of cuteness just a few minutes ago.

"Shu,…I-I'm…-"

"You're what, Tatsuha?" Shuichi spat, making Tatsuha flinch. "Sorry? Don't make me laugh."

Tatsuha looked at the ground and sighed. This was going to be harder than he thought.

A cold and awkward silence fell between the two, both at a loss for what to say. Finally, after an eternity of uneasy silence, Tatsuha spoke up and tried to lighten the mood a bit with nice conversation.

"Is that girl a friend of yours?" he asked.

Shuichi nodded. "Her name's Aiko and she's my roommate," he muttered, still not looking at Tatsuha. "I _had_ a male roomie, but they moved me when they found out that I was gay. Kinda discriminatory, but hey…"

Tatsuha chuckled and rolled a little bit closer to where the broken man sat. Shuichi watched him roll over, his amethyst eyes boring into Tatsuha's. Tatsuha kept eye contact for as long as he could stand, but, in the end, he ended up moving them to the window.

"How are you doing, Shuichi?" he asked, closing his eyes when he heard Shuichi smirk.

"Why does it matter to you?" Shuichi asked.

Tatsuha sighed and looked back to the man. "Because I'm worried. I know that I said some harsh things that day, but I was delusional. I want you to know that I didn't mean any of it."

Shuichi laughed and looked away. "I don't want your pity, Tatsuha."

Tatsuha looked at Shuichi in surprise. "I'm not giving you pity, Shuichi. I'm being serious."

"Whatever," Shuichi laughed and rolled his eyes.

Tatsuha scowled and eyed coldness and surprise.

"What's done this to you, Shuichi?" he whispered. "What has changed you into this uncaring, cold bastard? Why're you the way that you are?"

"What hasn't?" Shuichi answered simply.

Tatsuha hung his head and he heard Shuichi chuckle.

"Why do you look so sad, Tatsuha? So defeated? What do _you_ think has done this to me?"

Tatsuha didn't answer and Shuichi laughed again. Silence fell between them, uncomfortable in all of its intensity. Neither of them made eye contact and Tatsuha kept fidgeting. He kept coming up with questions to ask Shuichi, but decided against voicing them. He didn't want to make the raven-haired man angrier than he already was. Finally, Shuichi spoke up.

"H-have you talked to, Hiro?" he whispered, startling Tatsuha. It was sudden and his voice was full of a worry and sadness Tatsuha had never heard.

"No, I'm sorry, but I haven't. No one except Ben and Suguru have seen Hiro since…God…it's been about three weeks now. Ayaka left him and he stays locked up in his house most of the time. The lights dimmed, the shades pulled shut. The doctor's say that he's having a breakdown," Tatsuha explained. "It's all just been too much for him to handle."

Shuichi's eyes widened for a second before closing in sadness.

"I've been too much," he whispered, barely loud enough for Tatsuha to hear.

Tatsuha shook his head and rolled over to the bed. "No," he said, putting a hand on one of Shuichi's, "it's not just because of you. It's because of all of us. It's not fair for you to just blame yourself for it all."

"Okay, Eiri," Shuichi whispered and Tatsuha laughed.

"I am his brother, aren't I?"

Shuichi chuckled and nodded. More silence fell between them for a while.

"So…you're not blaming everything on me?" Shuichi asked.

Tatsuha shook his head. "No, and it wasn't fair for me to ever make you think that it was your fault."

Shuichi nodded and wrapped his arms around Tatsuha before he had time to react. Slowly, Tatsuha returned the embrace, having to remind himself that he couldn't kiss him. Shuichi wasn't his anymore, and he wasn't Shuichi's. But Shuichi did kiss him on the cheek and Tatsuha blushed.

"Thank you, Tat-chan," Shuichi said.

"No…thank you for listening to me, Shu-chan."

Shuichi nodded. "I'm glad that you came to see me. I was…I was worried that you wouldn't come and wouldn't want to be around me anymore. I don't know what I would've done if I had lost you, too."

"Don't even think about it, Shuichi," Tatsuha said sharply and Shuichi nodded ashamedly.

After another half an hour of talking and "catching up on old times", Shuichi and Tatsuha emerged out of the room and returned to the main room. The two instantly caught sight of Yuki, who was seated next to Aiko. The two were talking like old pals.

Aiko looked up and smiled brightly. "Hey, Shu-chan!" she yelled and jumped up, running across the room and tackling Shuichi to the ground.

Yuki turned around and smiled at the sight (he was doing that more and more lately), following Aiko example, except at a walk. He kneeled next to Tatsuha's wheelchair.

"I'm guessing everything went alright?" he whispered just so Tatsuha could hear him.

Tatsuha nodded and smiled. "Yes, everything went fine."

"Good," Yuki said and straightened out.

Aiko was standing and helping Shuichi to his feet when the two turned their attention on them. When Shuichi got to his feet, he smiled and waved at Yuki.

"Hi."

"Hey. I've got a question for you," Yuki said, wrapping an arm around Shuichi's shoulders.

"Shoot."

Yuki suddenly scowled. "What's this I hear about you possessing a blade?" he asked, his voice sounding as harsh as his face looked.

Shuichi sighed. "Please don't preach to me, Eiri. I've gotten enough from Kobata-san."

Yuki nodded. "And that's good. I would preach but I don't want to make you more uncomfortable than you have to be so I won't."

"Thank you," Shuichi said and hugged the blonde.

Tatsuha looked from Yuki and Shuichi, who had started to kiss softly, to the dark-haired girl Shuichi had called Aiko. "Hello," he said with a wave.

"Hi," she said and moved to bow, but Tatsuha put an arm out.

"Why the formalities? I'm a friend, you don't have to bow."

The girl stopped and straightened back out, nodding with a smile. "Okay!"

Yuki coughed and Tatsuha looked back over to him. The blonde smiled. "I think it's about time we started heading back, Tatsuha. You've got therapy in an hour."

Tatsuha nodded and smiled at Shuichi.

"Goodbye, Shu-chan," he said, embracing Shuichi when he hugged him.

"Goodbye, Tat-chan," Shuichi said and moved to Yuki. "Goodbye, Eiri," he said and hugged him as well.

Yuki patted Shuichi's head and returned the embrace tightly. "Goodbye, Shu-chan," he whispered. "I'll be in to see you soon, I promise." He kissed Shuichi softly. "And next time I better not get the shit scared out of me before I've been in the building for even five minutes.

Shuichi nodded and pulled away from the blonde, smiling at the two of them in that self-depreciating sort of way that was starting to become usual for him. Yuki reached out and flicked his cheek lightly and Shuichi actually smiled, Yuki smiled back.

"I guess we'll be seeing you two later," Yuki said and grabbed onto the handles of Tatsuha's chair.

The two nodded and smiled.

"Goodbye," Aiko said.

"Goodbye, Aiko," the two men said. "Goodbye, Shuichi." And they headed for the door.

Soon, they were outside in the rain again. Yuki hailed a taxi and they rode back to his apartment in silence, and Tatsuha was glad for it…he was glad for many things.

TBC…

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A/N: Okay…a short, cheesy chapter but at least it's something right? And it's actually kinda happy…kinda. And I know that a lot of you hate original characters, but I had to make Aiko. She's a cutter, she's got hundreds of sides to her personality, she's…me. That's all there is to say. You can love or hate her…I don't care; you don't have to deal with her every day. She will be playing a somewhat large role in this, as well, and some parts may be in her point of view. And yes…for those of you wondering, Wellstone is a real mental institution…

Okie dokie…time for thank-you's…

**Sammy -.-zzz:** Please don't cry 'cause you'll make me cry, too…; **animegirl12182:** Love makes the world go 'round. He, he. I hope you liked Tat-chan in this chapter!…; **Guren:** Okay…I wasn't planning on making Hiro commit suicide but someone confused me in a review. Sorry if I confused you, too…; **tangerine-asuka:** Yeah…sad. I hope you liked this chappie…; **sakurastar-63:** Continued…; **Syaoran is kawaii:** _glomps_ Thank you, thank you, thank you! You're review makes me so happy! And writer's block's gone for now…_knocks on wood_…Hopefully it'll stay gone…; **Asato-chan: **No, Tatsuha's fine now. Just a little dependent on everyone around him…; **GravityNeko: **Thanks…; **delia:** I'll try to add some more with Hiro in the next chapter. I'm still developing him in my mind…; **CassiToTheStars:** Oooo…another big 'un! Yay! I'm sorry that I confused you but that's how I'm writing in my other thing and I got the two confused. And please don't stop reading! _cries _I love your reviews!…; **sakuryo: **Yeah…therapy sucks and hasn't helped me in the least bit…but, it makes my mom happy. Ugh!…; **Sutzina Zion: **I dunno…keep reading and you'll find out…_smiles_…; **Kuriqa: **I'm glad that you liked this chapter! And I'm glad that you took the time to care about me and my situation. It really made me a little happier…_hugs_…; **DeMoN4EvA:** Sorry…he's in the hospital. And just because he's in a mental hospital does not mean that he's crazy! Why do people always think that? Sometimes you need more than everyone else and the help from your friends and loved ones sometimes isn't enough. That's what happened to Shu and to Aiko…; **Crystal Flowers: **I hope you liked this chapter…; **Hiyruuthewarrior:** Yeah…he's got D.I.D. and he's bipolar. What a combo, huh?…; **Katrina14love: **_grins and blushes_ Thank you, Katrina-chan! And it gets way darker after ch. 1…; **Trina:** Yeah…I have no life. Therefore…I have A LOT of free time…_smiles_…; **The Mysterious S: **They cut you off dammit! I want to read your whole pisses me off sometimes too, so you're not the only one!…; **Dhampir:** Man…everyone's got review problems now. I do, too. At the end of chapter 16, Tatsuha remembered some stuff but chose not to remember others. You know how your mind can make you forget things that are too bad for you to remember? Yeah, like that…_smiles_…Thank you, thank you…and I look forward to your next chapter, as well…; **subzero13:** They're on talking terms now…; **pegacorn:** Answer to your question…yes I do have experience in it all and it really sucks. After this past week, I'm lucky I have an arm…; **Sour-Skittlez:** Okay…I just thought I'd ask about it because I didn't know if you did or not. The review kinda confused me…; **The Amazing Tsu-chan: **I'm really glad that you liked it. And I know that there are grammar errors…I've just been banned from using the printer 'cause I use too much ink. He, he…; **Silverfang0000:** Thank you so much for your review and I'm glad you like the story. I hope you like this chapter just as much!…; and lastly to my **Lenora-chan: **I know, I know…sad, sad, but the next chapter will be a little bit happier, I hope. It really depends on if things get better…_sighs_…Just have to wait and see I guess…I'll talk at you later…_huggles_…

Okay…I think that's all. I'm very sorry if I missed anyone. And, like always, I'm sorry for any typos…

Alright…I'm off to wallow and try to keep my mind off all the shit that's been goin' on and write (hopefully)… Wish me luck…


	18. There's No Place Like Home

Hey, guys. Sorry about the mix up. I didn't have all of ch. 18 saved on my computer for some reason and forgot about it. _sighs_ Sorry again. But here's the whole finished chapter…

Hello… Welp, things haven't gotten any better lately and I don't know how long it'll take for me to write this, so…if it's late, I'm sorry. But I am trying. I'm trying to make this my outlet again…I just need to see if it'll work. They only work so long before you gotta find a new one and I'm not very good at anything else…

**Disclaimer: **It's not mine and never will be… The poem in here is "The Dredd Song" and I dunno who it belongs to. I got it from my friend as an inspirational thing for my cutting and figured it'd be great for Yuki to give Shu…

**There's No Place like Home…**

The next few days went by in a mixture of happiness and tears. Shuichi was still in the mental hospital. Tatsuha had been released from the hospital and returned home with Ryuichi, who as to be his caretaker. No one had seen nor heard anything from one Hiroshi Nakano, though they knew he still resided in his Tokyo apartment. Eiri practically lived in the hospital with Shuichi, never leaving the man's side unless he was physically chased out by a nurse or doctor. Some things were getting better, but they weren't the same. Things would never be able to be the same again…

**-------------**

Ryuichi Sakuma sighed and closed his eyes against the cool summer breeze. When Tatsuha had been released they'd returned to Ryuichi's home in the mountains of upstate New York. He didn't want to leave at such a critical moment, but he'd had to. He wanted to be happy, but if he had stayed in Japan, his old self would've resurfaced even further than it already had and he didn't want anyone to see him like that. It was too painful for him to see himself that way, he didn't want to worry about the ones he loved as well.

The crickets and tree frogs chirping in the trees around him made Ryuichi feel relaxed, but something kept nagging at the back of his head. A conversation he'd had with Shuichi after revealing his past to the raven-haired man…

_"If it saved you life, why do you still hide it?"_ Shu had asked.

Ryuichi had just smiled and dried the rest of his tears. _"I don't know about you, but I like the man-child Ryuichi a lot more than this Ryuichi. He's more lovable."_

_"But he's not who you are."_

_"He's who I was for three years and it's hard to get rid of someone you were for so long a time"_…

The brunette sighed. Shuichi was right. Why was he still hiding? He had come to peace with his past and what had happened, so why couldn't he come to peace with himself? Was it because he still blamed himself? But it hadn't been his fault that the fire started, he hadn't even been home.

A small cough echoed through the trees and across the lake, pulling Ryuichi from his thoughts. He turned to see Tatsuha leaning against the doorframe. He smiled.

"Hey," he said, his voice a little strained.

"Hey," Tatsuha replied with a small smile and stepped out onto the deck. "You okay?"

Ryuichi nodded…then shook his head. "No, not really."

Tatsuha chuckled quietly. "You wanna talk about it?"

The brunette shrugged. "I dunno. I'm just worried about Shuichi, 's all. Last I heard he still wasn't responding to treatment. I don't know if he just doesn't want to get better, but I wish he'd try. For us."

"He is," Tatsuha muttered. "I know that he's trying, but he can't get past his own demons. He's not one to speak his emotions anymore and he can't have help until he can get over the wall separating his darkness from his light."

Ryuichi sighed, defeated. "I know. I just wish we could've helped him last year, before he ever got to this point."

Silence fell between them for a moment, broken only by Ryuichi's shallow breathing as he tried to keep himself from crying. Tatsuha sighed and placed a hand on top of the one that Ryuichi had clenched on the railing.

"It's no good blaming yourself, Ryu. You'll only feel worse," the raven-haired man whispered. "And it wasn't your fault."

"I know, I just…" The tears began to flow. "…I just should've noticed that something was wrong with him, but I didn't."

Tatsuha pulled Ryuichi into a tight hug, letting him lay his head on the crook of his shoulder.

"If it's anyone's fault for not noticing, it would be mine, Ryu," Tatsuha cooed. "You were half a world away most of the time, so it's more than understandable that you didn't notice. But me? I lived in the same house as him the entire time and never thought that he would try to commit suicide."

Ryuichi shook his head. "It's all our faults."

Tatsuha nodded. "Yeah, it is."

Silence fell again, filled by the crickets and tree frogs, and the two men just stood in the comfort of each others arms for what felt like an eternity. Sometime during the quiet, Ryuichi cried his silent tears and gripped onto Tatsuha tightly, not wanting the man to go for fear of being alone. He didn't know what he would do if he had to be alone again; he didn't even want to think about it.

"Ryuichi," Tatsuha whispered, running his fingers through the brunette man's hair gently. "It's okay, koi. It'll all be okay."

Ryuichi shook his head but didn't say anything. His mind wouldn't make any coherent thought, much less words for him to voice his fears and emotions. Tatsuha sighed and rubbed Ryuichi's back softly.

After a few more minutes of quiet crying, Ryuichi straightened up and wiped his face dry, smiling self-depreciatingly at Tatsuha.

"Sorry about that, Tat," he whispered. "I didn't mean to bawl all over you."

Tatsuha smiled at him and shook his head. "No, don't worry about it. Sometimes you just need to cry and let everything out."

Ryuichi nodded and grinned. "Thanks."

Tatsuha nodded and grabbed onto Ryuichi's hand. "Come on. Let's go back inside and get some sleep," he said and pulled Ryuichi inside. Ryuichi nodded.

Tatsuha started to pull Ryuichi back to their bedroom, but the brunette pulled free, smiling at the boy when he turned to look at him in question.

"You go on in," he muttered. "I'll be in in a minute."

Tatsuha furrowed his brow, but nodded anyway and left Ryuichi alone in the living room. The brunette collapsed onto the couch and put his head in his hands.

_'Weak.'_

He shook his head at the voice in his mind.

_'Weak. Weak. Coward. You always run away from everything. You'll never be strong enough.'_

He shook his head more violently, trying to dislodge whatever thing lived in his head and get it to shut up. He wasn't running away. His departure from Japan had been the best for himself and everyone else. No one would've wanted to be around him had he stayed and gotten worse. It would've been Hell.

_'Stop lying to yourself, you coward. You know that everything would've been better had Noriko not found you all those years ago. Everyone would be so much better.'_

He shook his head. "No, go away," he whispered, hugging his body tightly as he pulled his knees up to his chest. "You're wrong."

_'None of this would've happened if you were never here. Everything's your fault. It's always your fault.'_

"Stop it," Ryuichi moaned, clutching his head in his hands. "Leave me alone."

_'You know that you can't get rid of me, Ryu. Nothing can.'_

Ryuichi closed his eyes against the tears that threatened to spill over. No, it was wrong. He would be dead if Noriko hadn't have found him back then and Nittle Grasper would've been formed and Shuichi would've never started singing and… It was his fault.

No! It wasn't his fault. Just because he was Shuichi's idol and the reason why he'd wanted to start singing didn't mean that he was the cause of the singer's demise. No! It wasn't his fault.

_'Liar. You're nothing but a liar.'_

Ryuichi's eyes snapped open and he stood up from the couch. He all but ran back to the bathroom and closed and locked the door. As quietly and quickly as he could, he searched the medicine cabinet until he found what he was looking for. Percocet. Ryuichi smiled slightly and opened the small orange bottle, dumping two of the white pills into his open palm.

A knock on the bathroom door made Ryuichi jump and the pills fell into the sink. He cursed silently and watched helplessly as the pills went down the drain.

"You okay, Ryu?" Tatsuha's muffled voice echoed through the small bathroom.

Ryuichi sighed. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'll be out in a minute."

He heard Tatsuha pause, though why he didn't know. "Okay," he said and Ryuichi heard his footsteps slowly fade away down the hall.

The brunette looked back down into the bottle in his hands and sighed.

_'Weak.'_

He dumped two more pills into his palm and dry swallowed them, cringing at the after taste. He clamped the white top back onto the bottle and hid it safely behind the box of bandages and bottle of ibuprofen before closing the cabinet door. He could already feel the effects of the drugs in his system and he woozed a little on his feet before splashing some water on his face and leaving the bathroom.

He went into the bedroom he shared with Tatsuha and looked sadly upon the slumbering boy. Why was he doing this to him after everything that Tatsuha had been through? It was wrong, so wrong, and even though he didn't know anything yet, Ryuichi was sure that the disappearance of the pain medication would rouse some kind of suspicions over time within the boy. How couldn't it?

Ryuichi sighed and slowly crossed the room, holding onto everything that he could so he wouldn't fall and pass out on the floor. When he finally made it to the bed, he climbed in as smoothly as possible and pulled the sheets up to his chin. Sighing, he chanced another look at Tatsuha's sleep back and whispered a silent goodnight before closing his eyes and succumbing to the darkness.

Little did he know, Tatsuha was wide-awake and aware of everything. A silent tear ran down the boy's cheek before he climbed out of the bed and laid in the living room for the night.

-------------

Yuki opened his golden eyes to the bright, morning sunlight and smiled slightly. He was going to see Shuichi today, but whether that was a good thing or not had yet to be decided. Last time he had gone, Shuichi was in solitary confinement…again…and he hadn't been able to see him for very long. He thought it had only been five minutes, but the doctors swore up and down that it was fifteen minutes.

He shook his head and ran a hand through his golden locks with a sigh. Why had everything gone down hill so quickly? It had been only, what, five…six months ago when Shuichi had picked cutting up again and now he was in a mental hospital? Yuki sighed. He never imagined it ever getting to this point.

Yuki closed his eyes and buried his head back in his pillow. Man, he just wanted to get away from it all. Not Shuichi…no, definitely not him, but from everything else that came after him. Maybe they should both go on a vacation once Shu was released. Yeah…that sounded good.

With the idea of a Hawaiian vacation in his mind, Yuki climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom to take a shower and clean up. After that was done and over with, he returned to his bedroom and threw on a pair of blue jeans and a tee-shirt and looked at his reflection in the body-length mirror beside him.

_When did I become so damn casual?_

Smiling, Yuki ran the towel through his hair and dropped it to the floor. Checking the clock, he slipped a piece of paper into the back pocket of his jeans and left his room, going down to his kitchen to grab a breakfast smoothie before going out to his car. He took the beautiful country road from his house to the highway, drinking the smoothie along the way, and started his half hour drive to Tokyo.

The trip was boring and uneventful and he spent the entire drive thinking of corresponding rhyming lines that he could make into a poem to add to his book. He laughed when he remembered the call from his editor. Wanting to do "something different" she came to him with the idea to take a break from writing a novel and make book of poems instead. At first, he'd disagreed, telling her that novels were more his thing and poems were just a waste of time, but then he'd taken the time to think about it. In poems he could tell stories about himself and life without anyone thinking that "oh…he'd done this" or "he must've lived through this to make this so good and realistic". No…maybe he would try poems.

And, so, he had and had an entire notebook almost filled with poems. He had to admit…they gave more of a release than sitting at his computer ever had.

When Yuki tuned back into the work about him, he took the exit that would lead him to the suburbs and to Wellstone. He sighed. He wanted more than anything to get Shuichi out of that hell hole and take him home with him, but the doctors wouldn't allow it. "We need to wait for more improvement," they would say. Yuki laughed. Who could make any improvement when they're locked up? After two weeks, Shuichi had tried to commit suicide twice. Yeah…that's improvement.

Yuki hit his turn signal and turned into the parking lot of the hospital. He found an open parking space and stopped, putting his car in park, before leaning his head back into the headrest.

_I know it's sad but you have to go in there,_ he told himself. _If you don't, you'll be letting him down._

Yuki sighed and climbed out of the car.

_Damn, I want a cigarette._

He shook his head. No, he had promised himself that he would quit and actually stick to it this time. With one more sigh, Yuki ran a hand through his hair and walked up the steps and into the hospital. The receptionist that was always there when he came sat at her desk and smiled at him when he walked in.

"Hello, Uesugi-san. Have you come to see Shindou-san?"

Yuki nodded. "Yes. How is he doing today?"

"He's doing very well today," she said. "He's made some improvement."

Yuki nodded again. "Well that's good then."

The receptionist nodded and called a nurse to take him back. Yuki took a seat in one of the chairs in the waiting room and flipped through old magazines while he waited for the nurse to come out of the door that she always did. Ten minutes passed and no one came out to get him. He had to admit, he was getting a little pissed, but maybe they were just busy. He sighed and set the magazine he had been "reading" down and closed his eyes. Yeah…busy.

The door opened and closed many times while Yuki sat there but no one called for him and asked for him to follow them. Now he was getting really pissed, but he wasn't going to raise hell. No…it didn't matter how long they took, just getting to see Shuichi was worth the wait.

"Eiri?"

Yuki's eyes snapped open and he looked around the room. He laughed. Maybe he'd thought about Shuichi too hard and was starting to hear voices because Shuichi was nowhere to be seen. He laughed again and closed his eyes, leaning his head against the wall.

A hand closed over one of his and Yuki opened his eyes to see Shuichi sitting in the chair next to him, a small smile on his face.

"Sh-Shuichi, what are you doing out here?" he commanded. "How did you get out?"

"The doctors let me come out and bring you back instead of the nurse," Shuichi said. "You're not mad at me are you?"

Yuki smiled and embraced the raven-haired man. "No, I would never be mad at you, Shu."

Shuichi sighed in his ear and wrapped his skinny arms around Yuki's waist. "I missed you," he whispered.

"I missed you, too," Yuki chuckled and pulled back from Shuichi.

Shuichi stood up and pulled Yuki to his feet. "Come on," he said. "I don't have much time or they'll come and look for me."

Yuki nodded and followed Shuichi back to the acute unit where he was held. Waving to Aiko as they walked past her table, Shuichi pulled Yuki back to the room he shared with the girl, closing the door behind him.

Before Yuki had time to react, Shuichi jumped up and wrapped his arms around the blonde's neck, capturing his lips in a kiss. Yuki started for a moment then closed his eyes. The kiss wasn't very long, but they both still needed it.

Shuichi pulled away, a sincere smile on his face. "I want to leave," he whispered.

Yuki's heart broke, but he smiled nonetheless. "I'm sorry, Shuichi," he muttered, running his hands through the man's hair. "I can't. I've tried, believe me, I've tried since you were put in here, but the doctors won't let me take you home with me."

Shuichi frowned and pushed himself away from Yuki, storming across the room. "But why!" he yelled. "Why can't I leave!" He stormed over to his bed and threw his notebook across the room before pushing over the nightstand and pounding on the wall. "Why not!"

Yuki watched as the man raved around, not knowing what to do or what to say. He didn't want to make him any angrier than he already was but… Yuki wrapped an arm around Shuichi's waist and pulled him over to the bed. He laid down and pulled Shuichi down next to him, keeping his arm slung around Shuichi. He tried to struggle and get away, but Yuki wouldn't have it.

"Shuichi, calm down," he whispered. "I know that you don't like it here, but the doctors are just trying to help you."

Shuichi stopped struggling and rolled over to face Yuki, tears staining his face. "How is keeping me here helping me, Eiri? The longer I stay here, the more I want to die. Is that helping me?"

"No." Yuki reached out and brushed the tears away. "It's they're not helping you, but your medicine is. They need to make sure that your medicine works like it's supposed to before they let you out."

Shuichi's tears stopped and his eyes grew wide with hope. "How long with that be?"

Yuki smiled. "Hopefully soon."

Shuichi smiled and Yuki pulled the folded piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to Shuichi. The man just looked between it and Yuki in question for a moment and Yuki smiled.

"I wrote you something," the blonde said softly. "I want you to read it."

Shuichi positively beamed and almost tore the paper in his eagerness to open it. Yuki watched, a happy and fearful smile on his face. He really hoped that Shuichi would like the poem that he had written. Taking a seat on the bed, Yuki listened to Shuichi read the poem aloud.

"_Never say it's over  
Never say the end  
Anytime you stop, just start again  
Never say give up  
Never say give in  
You always have to fight to win_

_However much it hurts  
However much it takes  
Believe and all your dreams will come true  
However hard it gets  
However much it aches  
Always believe in me  
As I believe in you_

_To never say too late  
Never say it's done  
Make me know for real you are the one  
The one that never turns  
Never walks away  
The one that I can trust to always stay_

_Never say surrender  
Never say die  
You only ever get there if you try  
Never say give up  
Never say give in  
You always have to fight to win_

_However much it hurts  
However much it takes  
Believe that all your dreams can come true  
However hard it gets  
However much it aches  
Always believe in me  
As I believe in you_

_Never say if only  
Never say regret  
Only the weak remember to forget  
Never say it's over  
Never say the end  
Never say never again_

_However much it hurts  
However much it takes  
Believe and all your dreams will come true_

_However hard it gets  
However much it aches  
Believe in me  
As I believe in you."_

Shuichi looked up from the page with a small frown on his face.

"Is…is this for me?" he asked and Yuki nodded. A squeal tore out of Shuichi's throat and Yuki was tackled back onto the bed. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"

Yuki laughed and wrapped his arms around Shuichi. "No problem," he whispered into the raven-haired man's ear. Then he lowered his voice even quieter. "It's true, you know? It all is."

Shuichi sat up, still straddling Yuki's hips, and smiled down upon the blonde. He nodded. "Thank you, Eiri," he whispered while he brushed the bangs out of Yuki's eyes. He bent down and kiss the blonde's forehead lightly before sitting up again.

Yuki smiled the smile he only showed for Shuichi and read up, tucking the few stray locks of black hair behind Shuichi's ear.

"You have no idea how long it took me to write that poem," he said. "God, I think I sat in front of my notebook for around five hours before I finished it."

Shuichi chuckled. "Still having problems with the 'explaining your feelings' thing?"

"Don't I always?"

Shuichi smiled, the happy sparkle shining in his eyes, and Yuki couldn't help but smile back. The door across the room clicked open and Yuki sat up, Shuichi still straddling his hips.

"Oh my God!" Yuki turned his attention to the door and so did Shuichi, but only after a small groan exited his lips. Aiko was standing in the doorway with shock on her face. "I am _so_ sorry, you guys. I just needed to grab a blanket… I didn't mean to…I didn't know that you two were…were gonna be makin' out when I came in."

Shuichi smiled and slid off Yuki's lap slowly. The blonde cursed inwardly; he felt so empty without Shuichi's added weight.

"We weren't doing anything, Aiko. He wrote me a poem and I tackled him, that's all," Shuichi explained. "Sorry for scaring you."

Aiko sighed heavily and smiled. "Praise God and say hallelujah," she said and then looked at Yuki carefully. "It's no that I disagree with your relationship, I've just never seen the two of you so intimately and it surprised me."

"Don't worry about it," Yuki chuckled.

The girl smiled and crossed the room, handing an envelope to Yuki. "I also came to give you this," she said with a mischievous grin on her face.

"What is it?" Shuichi asked while Yuki tore open the seal.

"You'll find out," the girl sang.

Shuichi returned to the bed and sat down beside Yuki, who was busy reading the note, surprise and relief flaring up inside of him at the words on the paper.

"Are they serious?" he asked the girl.

Aiko nodded, but looked somewhat saddened. "Yes, they are. For it to be set in stone you have to go talk to them, though."

Yuki nodded and stood up. "I'll be back, Shuichi," he called as he headed for the door.

"Where are you going, Eiri?" the man asked, standing up to follow but deciding against it.

Yuki turned around with a smile on his face. "To get you out of here."

**-------------**

Shuichi sat on the bed in shock. Had Yuki just said what he thought he'd said? He was going to leave! Excitement flared up inside him. He was going to leave!

He whooped in happiness and jumped up off the bed, running across the room to engulf Aiko in a hug. "I'm gonna leave, Aiko-chan!" he exclaimed.

A sob echoed through the room and Shuichi pulled away, surprised to see that Aiko was crying. He stood in silence for a moment before it all dawned on him. He was leaving…and Aiko wasn't.

He sighed. "Oh, Aiko-chan, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." His words just made the girl cry harder. Shuichi embraced the girl gently. "Sorry, I'm such a heartless bastard. I completely forgot. I'm such an idiot!"

Aiko shook her head. "No," she managed to say through her sobs, "I'm glad for you. I just want to leave too, but my parents don't care about me."

Suddenly, an idea came to Shuichi and he jumped back, a smile on his face.

"I'll be right back, Aiko!" he said and ran out of the room, leaving the girl to stare at him in wonder.

He managed to find Yuki before he exited the unit and tugged on the back of his jacket. The blonde turned around and looked at him in question and impatience.

"Yes, Shuichi?"

Shuichi smiled. "I have a favor to ask of you."

**-------------**

An auburn-haired girl sat in her room alone, tears falling slowly down her face. Why had she been so nice to Shuichi when she knew that he would be leaving sooner or later? Why couldn't she have just turned on the heartless bitch and been mean to him instead of forcing herself to feel the pain that she felt now? Every friend she'd made in this damned place always promised to come back and see her, but they never did. Once they left, they left for good; she didn't seem to matter.

But Shuichi was different, wasn't he? He was a good friend and he would come and visit her, right? She sighed and leaned her head back against the headboard of her bed. Of course he would because Shuichi wasn't as biased as all of the other people she had made "friends" with in this place. He was nice and forgiving and actually understood, even if he didn't like it sometimes.

After taking some quiet time to sit and think about her past and the mistakes she had made in trying to make that past go away, Aiko opened her eyes and looked around the room. Yup, still alone. She sighed and pulled up the sleeve of her grey hoodie. Almost one hundred nearly healed cuts and eight fresh ones marred the perfect flesh. She tore her eyes away from the sighed and sniffed, another tears joining the ones that were already falling down her face.

Why had she chosen to do this to herself? What had been so bad to make her want to injure herself? She looked down at her stomach. Well, that was one thing. She was fat, but if she voiced that opinion aloud she would get hit in the head by Shuichi. But he didn't have to see her horrid reflection looking back at him in the mirror everyday, now did he? He was skinny and cute, not fat and ugly and harboring a demon inside her head.

The tears wouldn't stop falling. Why wouldn't anyone come for her? Had her family forgotten about her? What in the hell was their problem? She had never done anything except mess up their perfect view of the world with her behaviors. That was all. It wasn't enough to "forget" your kid over. The world for teenagers in this day and age had changed drastically since her parents were teenagers and, whether they liked it or not, hurting herself was the only way that she had been able to cope with this changes.

A small knock echoed around the room and Aiko gasped, pulling down her shirt sleeve, before looking toward the door. Shuichi stood there with a smile on his face.

"Hi, Shuichi," she sniffed, wiping her tears away with the back of her sleeve covered hand.

His smile widened. "Hi, Aiko." The man crossed the room and took a seat on the edge of the bed beside the girl.

Aiko narrowed her eyes as she looked at Shuichi. He was acting weird. Something was up.

"Why are you acting so strange, Shu-chan?" she asked, her brow crinkled.

Shuichi smiled and looked away. "How would you feel about packing your bags?"

"What do you…—" Aiko gasped. "No way!" she exclaimed. "You have got to be kidding me!"

Shuichi shook his head. "Nope. I'm not."

The girl jumped up and wrapped her arms around Shuichi's neck, kissing his face. Tears were falling down her face, but she didn't care.

"I love you, Shu-chan!" she said when she pulled away. "Thank you so much. But how did you…?"

"I can talk anyone into doing anything," a voice from behind her said. She turned around to see Y7uki standing in the doorway with a smile on his face.

She ran across the room and wrapped her arms around the blonde. "Thank you so much, Uesugi-san."

Yuki chuckled. "Eiri," he corrected. "And it's not a problem. They were doubtful, but like I said, I can convince anyone to do pretty much anything."

"Well, what are we waiting for?" Shuichi asked and started throwing his things into his duffle bag. Aiko immediately followed suit.

When all their things were packed up, Yuki wrapped his arms around both of their shoulders and led them out of the building. Aiko was in heaven. She was leaving. She was really leaving…and with Shuichi too! She couldn't keep the happy giggle from escaping her lips as they started down the road. Shuichi looked over at her and smiled.

The trip home wasn't too eventful…just full of Shuichi's singing and Yuki laughing at him as he made a fool of himself at stop lights. Aiko was more than happy to just sit back and watch.

Finally, after an hour in the car, the black Porsche stopped in front of a large country home. Aiko's jaw dropped. This was where she was going to be living? God, it was beautiful.

Yuki pulled she and Shuichi's bags out of the trunk and lead the way up to the front door. Shuichi unlocked it and Aiko got her first glimpse inside the fortress. Her jaw fell even further.

Shuichi chuckled. "Welcome home, Aiko-chan."

TBC…

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A/N: YaY! Done and edited! Sorry about that guys but I forgot that I didn't save what I had done of chapter 18 before or after I posted it so I had to type it up again. _sighs_ Oh, well. Here it is, so never fear!… I hope you all liked it!… Oh! And sorry for any typos…


	19. Visiting Old Friends

YaY! Chapter 19! YaY! I dunno how far I'll get on this before I have to take a break, but hopefully purdy far. Thunder over Louisville's (4/23) tonight and I really don't wanna be in a huge crowd with a bunch of wet rednecks (Indiana side, Jae-chan n.n). It's gonna be cold anyways… Hm, I'm rambling, aren't I? Yeah…I think I am…

Okay, I'm hoping that some things will get answered in this chapter. If it's not answered in here, please tell me and I'll see what I can do, okay? Okie dokie, now to start on the chapter…

**Disclaimer: **_sighs _I'm not even gonna say anything about _Gravitation_, but the song used in this towards the end is "Bleed Like Me" and it belongs to Garbage. I know that I probably have part of it wrong but I couldn't find any good lyric domains, so I picked the best one…

**Visiting Old Friends…**

Golden eyes squinted against the bright morning sunlight as it poured into the oversized bedroom. Their owner yawned and stretched and threw the blankets back away from his body, stretching once more before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. Before climbing out, Yuki threw a sad glance to the empty spot beside him.

Shuichi had refused to sleep with him when the got back, and even though he didn't want to admit it, it hurt him. Yes…he knew that he and Shuichi weren't together, but he still longed to feel the warmth of his body next to his while he slept; nothing intimate had to be involved. Yuki sighed. Maybe he was just…he hated to say it…lonely?

A groan tore out of Yuki's throat and he got up from the bed, going into the bathroom. He splashed water on his face and looked at his reflection in the mirror, hands resting on the counter.

Lonely? Yes, quite possibly. He hadn't had a lover (male or female) in almost five years now. FIVE YEARS! That was a dreadfully long time for a man like him. But, he didn't want anyone in his life besides a happy, pink-haired boy, and he hadn't gotten one of those either. The one he had had in mind when he'd returned to Japan had drastically changed into an angry, raven-haired, beautiful…man.

Yuki shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair in a rough attempt to brush it. He glared at his reflection in the mirror one more time before leaving the room completely.

As slow as he possibly could, Yuki threw on a tee-shirt and made his way down stairs. As he walked into the kitchen, his mind barely registered that the television was on in the living room. He didn't even realize that the coffee had already been made, even though he poured himself a cup from the half-empty pot.

Swallowing a mouthful, Yuki walked into the living room and slouched down into the couch, letting the cushions swallow him whole. Shuichi, who sat in the recliner, watched him intently with a mug clasped in his hands. Yuki just smiled at him and took a swig from his cup, and Shuichi smiled back; nothing more had to be said.

Yuki turned his attention onto the barely audible television screen and groaned. The same shit, different day. He wished the newscasters would just get over themselves and actually report something besides "the usual" that Yuki always expected when he watched. He wanted to be surprised for once, not able recite almost every damn thing the reporters said.

"Aiko still sleeping?" he asked Shuichi.

"Hm?"

Yuki chuckled. "Is Aiko still asleep?"

"Oh yeah," Shuichi said. "I think she's loving the opportunity to sleep in a 'real' bed." He chuckled. "I know I did."

Yuki smiled. "So you're comfortable, then?"

Shuichi nodded. "Oh, yeah! It's great! Thank you so much for doing this, Eiri."

"Not a problem," he said with a small smile and shrug. "I've been longing for some company."

Shuichi blushed and looked away, and Yuki's smile grew larger.

"Did you want to do anything today, Shu-chan?" he asked.

"Well…" Shuichi started, pausing to think. "…I wanted to go see Hiro sometime during the day."

Yuki choked on the coffee he had in his mouth and began to cough. When he was finally calm enough to breathe, he glared daggers at the other man.

"What?" Shuichi asked, furrowing his brow.

"I'm not going to take you to see that bastard," he growled. "He doesn't seem to care about you, so why should you care about him?"

Shuichi sighed and closed his eyes. "Eiri, he's my best friend and-"

"No, he _was_ your best friend," Yuki corrected. "He never even went to visit you while you were in the hospital, Shu. Why do you even _want_ to see him?"

"I want to see him because I need to see him. There are some things that we need to talk about." He opened his eyes and looked at Yuki. "I need to see if we can save the bad. No, fuck the band. I need to see if we can save our friendship."

Yuki looked at the man in disbelief and sighed, chuckling. "Your heart's too big, you know that, right?"

Shuichi laughed. "No, I'm just afraid to lose the people I care about," he whispered, "no matter how horribly they treated me."

Yuki couldn't stop the smile from lighting up his face. So…there still might be some hope.

"Fine," he grumbled, "I'll take you to see Hiro. I won't like it, but I'll still take you to see him."

Shuichi sighed. "Thank you, Eiri. You don't know how much it means to me."

"Not a problem, Shu," Yuki whispered. "Not a problem."

The sound of quick feet running down the stairs put an end to their conversation, and Aiko came crashing into the room. She was already dressed in a pair of blue jean capris and a black tee-shirt. Even from the distance, Yuki could see the cuts and scars that marred her arms, and he felt a little uneasy.

"G'Morning, beautifuls!" she exclaimed.

Both Yuki and Shuichi smiled. "Morning, Aiko," they said in unison.

Aiko smiled and practically skipped across the room, plopping down into the couch next to Yuki.

"I can't believe you let me sleep so late, Shuichi," she scowled. "I basically wasted the entire day in bed."

"It's only ten o'clock, Aiko," Shuichi laughed. "And now you have all the time in the world to do anything that you want."

Aiko chuckled. "No more bed times!" she laughed and put her fists in the air.

"Thank God."

Yuki shook his head, wondering what in the hell he had gotten himself into, and chuckled. He gulped down the rest of his coffee and stood up.

"If you wanna go, Shu," he said, "you better get ready before I change my mind."

Shuichi scowled at him, but went upstairs to get ready nonetheless.

Yuki went into the kitchen to pour himself another cup and almost screamed when Aiko spoke up behind him.

"Where are we going, Uesugi-san?" she asked.

Yuki gulped down air and turned around. Aiko laughed at him.

"Sorry," she giggled.

He smiled. "That's okay," he said and composed himself. "And I'm going to take Shuichi to visit one of his friends. You can come if you would like to."

Aiko nodded happily. "Of course I would."

The sounds of Shuichi stomping down the stairs made Yuki laugh and he turned his attention to the doorway just as the man showed himself. He was dressed simply in a red tee-shirt and blue jeans, but the look on his face made Yuki bite his tongue. He was furious.

"Have you changed your mind yet?" he growled.

Yuki shook his head. "No," he muttered, his voice a little strained. "Just let me go upstairs and throw on some jeans and we can leave."

Shuichi glared at him and crossed his arms over his chest, but kept his mouth shut as Yuki walked past him. The blonde went upstairs and quickly pulled on a pair of jeans, brushing his hair with his fingers one more time, and ran downstairs.

Shuichi was still upset, though Yuki couldn't figure out why (he was taking him to see Hiro, after all), but seemed to relax by the time they made it out to the car.

After making sure everyone had their seatbelts on, Yuki started the engine and pulled out of the driveway.

**-------------**

Shuichi looked up at the many windows of the high-rise building and sighed. There was no way that he was going to be able to do this, but he had to; he had to see if there were any threads left to sew up he and Hiro's friendship. He was deeply worried that there weren't going to be. He hadn't seen or talked to the long-haired guitarist since their last argument about Tatsuha's attempted suicide, and Hiro hadn't even bothered to come visit him while he had been in the hospital.

Was it even worth holding on to?

Shuichi closed his eyes and sighed again, composing himself. He couldn't do this. He couldn't. But he had to; he had to at least try.

Taking a deep breath, he opened his eyes and went into the tall building. He did his best to ignore the stares and glares he got on the way to the elevator (as far as the public was concerned, he was still in the hospital), and pressed the up button. When the elevator finally opened and he pressed the button for the fourth floor, he leaned against the back wall and ran a hand over his face and into his hair.

After an eternity, the elevator finally stopped and the doors dinged open. Shuichi sighed and took several deep, composing breaths.

_Come on. You can do this. You can do this. You can-_

The doors started to close.

Shuichi's eyes shot open and he shot forward, pushing the doors back open. Right as he stepped out, his only way of backing out closed behind him.

_There's no going back now._

He sighed and started down the hallway. Even though it had been awhile since he'd been to see Hiro, his feet still knew the way and led him unconsciously to his friend's door.

He stopped and looked up.

Shuichi stared at the door, his eyes wide with fear.

_What am I thinking? I can't do this!_

Shuichi took off back down the hall to the elevator. He jabbed at the down button mercilessly, praying that the doors would open quickly.

"Sh-Shuichi?"

Shuichi froze, his finger stopped in mid-jab.

_No._ He groaned.

"Shuichi! Is that you?"

Shuichi turned his head, his eyes immediately resting on the wreck of what used to be a handsome man.

"Hiro," Shuichi moaned.

Wild tangles of auburn hair surrounded the man's gaunt, sunken face. His eyes were black and blue and crystal tears fell from their bloodshot, grey orbs. Clothes that only used to be slightly baggy hung from his limbs as if they were twigs.

Tears immediately invaded Shuichi's eyes at the sight and he cursed, trying to do his best to hide them. Hiro took a step forward; Shuichi took a step back.

Hiro frowned. "How did you get here, Shuichi? How did you get out of the hospital?"

"I-I was released yesterday," Shuichi whispered, suddenly finding his feet to be very interesting. "They released me and a friend of mine into Eiri's care."

"Oh. Well, I guess that's good then."

Shuichi looked up and saw Hiro walking into his apartment. A fist tightened around his heart and squeezed.

"Hiro!" he called.

The auburn-haired man stopped in the doorway and looked back in curiosity. "Hm?"

Shuichi sighed and closed his eyes for a second. When he opened them, Hiro was still staring at him.

"I think that we need to talk," he said. Hiro chuckled. "No, I'm being serious. We've both been through a lot this past year and I think that we need to sit down and sort things out."

Hiro just stared back at Shuichi, the intensity of his gaze making Shuichi return his eyes to the floor. Suddenly he sighed.

"You're right." Shuichi looked up. "You're absolutely right. Come on." Hiro walked inside.

"Thank you, Hiro," Shuichi said with a smile and followed the man inside, closing the door behind him.

The apartment looked good enough; everything was nice and neat and organized. Shuichi had to bite his tongue from laughing when he realized that Hiro probably spent all of his time rearranging everything in the apartment since there wasn't much else to do.

"Would you like anything to drink?" Hiro asked.

Shuichi shook his head. "No thank you."

Hiro shrugged and sat down in one of the chairs, his eyes locked on Shuichi. The raven-haired man just smiled and took a seat across from him.

"This is unexpected," he muttered. "Where do you want to start?"

Hiro chuckled quietly to himself, sarcastically, almost as if he had expected this to happen.

"How about…we start with questions, _any_ question, and we have to answer them with absolute truth. One lie and our friendship dies."

Shuichi tensed and felt his gut tighten. "Okay," he muttered. "You go first."

"Did you ever cheat on Tatsuha with Yuki?"

Shuichi closed his eyes at the question. Hiro chuckled.

"Come on now…silence is a lie…"

"Yes," Shuichi whispered, "but it was only three times."

"'Only three times.' One time is enough to ruin a relationship, Shuichi. You should be glad that Tatsuha cared about you so much. Of course, he didn't love you. Oh, no, not after losing Rori and getting a basic repeat of him out of you."

Hiro's words angered Shuichi, but he did his best to keep his feelings at bay. He wouldn't yell.

"Your turn," Hiro said and slouched back in the chair, resting his foot on the coffee table.

"Do you really blame everything on me?"

Silence, then. "No, I realize that you couldn't help your cutting and that Tatsuha had bigger problems than you. I'm sorry that I was so harsh to you before."

"Apology accepted," Shuichi said with a smile. "Shoot."

Hiro sighed. "If he beat and raped you and drove you to cutting yourself, why do you still love him?"

"I'll tell you the same thing I told him about you this morning. I'm afraid to lose those that I care about, no matter how horribly they treated me."

"Do you think that I treated you that bad?"

"Ah, ah, ah," Shuichi chuckled. "You can't ask two questions at once." Hiro scowled at him. "But I'll let it slip this time.

"No, I don't think that you treated me _that_ horribly. Yes, you did hurt me but I hurt you too, and both of us were confused and didn't know what to do.

"Okay…this may be a hard question for you to answer, but what really happened between you and Ayaka?"

The moment he asked the question, Shuichi regretted it. The pain that flashed across Hiro's face was enough to wrench anyone's heart, but it was too late to take it back. Hiro sighed.

"Ayaka and I had a rocky relationship from the beginning; it was a cold relationship. We thought that we loved one another, but in the end, time proved that we didn't. I was so withdrawn from her at the end that she couldn't take anymore. All I did was sit in our room in the dark and play the guitar or just sit there. She thought that I was going crazy and said that it was 'an insanity epidemic' before she stormed out the door." He sighed. "That was the last that I saw her. She even made sure to return for her things while I wasn't home."

"I'm sorry," Shuichi whispered.

Hiro smiled. "No, don't be. It had to end sometime." Shuichi nodded. "Okay…are you still in therapy?"

"Well, I was in a mental hospital for two months and, like I said, just got out yesterday. I don't start therapy again until this coming Monday."

Hiro nodded.

"Why haven't you left the apartment the entire time that I was in the hospital?"

"Because I knew that I would want to go see you if I left and I didn't want to. Not that I didn't want to see you. God, I wanted to see you so bad. It just would've torn me in two to go there and see you like that, well aware that I was one of the largest reasons why."

Shuichi sighed. "You weren't the reason why I was in there. No one was the reason why I was in there. I was given tests at the hospital and they found out that I have disassociative identity disorder (the long description for multiple personality disorder) and I'm bi-polar. All of my medicine is working, though, so there's not much to worry about unless I stop taking it."

"Multiple personality disorder! You!" Hiro groaned and rolled his eyes. "Shit! I didn't mean to say that."

Shuichi chuckled. "Yes. But go ahead and ask another."

Hiro smiled. "What are we going to do about Bad Luck?"

"Ah…that was going to be my next question for you."

Hiro laughed. "Have you talked to Ben or Suguru? Are we done?"

Shuichi sighed. "God, I hope not. I dunno what I would do if I just wrote poems in my spare time"

"But have you talked to Ben or Suguru?"

Shuichi shook his head. "Not lately, I haven't. They each came to visit me once or twice while I was in Wellstone but that was all."

Hiro just nodded and looked away, his gaze focusing on the sky outside the cracked blinds. He chuckled.

"I haven't been out in the sunlight in months," he whispered. "I bet the glare off my skin would blind people if I went out now."

Shuichi laughed. "Nah, you're no paler than I am."

Hiro smiled, Shuichi returned it.

"Do you want to reform the band?" he asked.

Hiro nodded. "Of course I do. I don't want to give up when it was just getting good. Do you?"

Shuichi shook his head violently. "I've already got a notebook full of aspiring songs," he chuckled. "I just don't know what to do without some kind of music. I haven't even had time to play with my keyboard since I've been home."

"Do you have them with you?"

Shuichi nodded. "Yeah, out in Eiri's car. You want me to go get 'em?"

Hiro shrugged. "If you want."

Before Hiro could do anything to react, Shuichi was out the door and down to his car. Within a matter of minutes he was back up in the man's apartment and handing him the notebook.

Hiro flipped open the spiraled pages and read the first poem written there. In Shuichi's messy, chicken scratch the words Bleed Like Me were scrawled across the page above the words. Hiro read aloud:

"_Avalanche is sullen and too thin  
She starves herself to rid herself of sin  
And the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin  
And she says:  
Hey, baby, can you bleed like me?  
C'mon, baby, can you bleed like me?_

_Chrissie's all dressed up and acting coy  
Painted like a brand new Christmas toy  
He's trying to figure out if he's a girl or he's a boy  
He says:  
Hey, baby, can you bleed like me?  
C'mon, baby, can you bleed like me?_

_Doodle takes Dad's scissors to her skin  
And when she does relief comes setting in  
While she hides the scars she's making underneath her pretty clothes  
She sings:  
Hey, baby, can you bleed like me?  
C'mon, baby, can you bleed like me?_

_Therapy is Speedie's brand new drug  
Dancing with the Devil's past has never been too fun  
It's better off that trying to take a bullet from a gun  
And she cries:  
Hey, baby, can you bleed like me?  
C'mon, baby, can you bleed like me?_

_It's gets all fucked up in some karaoke bar  
After two drinks he's a loser, after three drinks he's a star  
Getting all nostalgic as he sings "I Will Survive"  
Hey, baby, can you bleed like me?  
C'mon, baby, can you bleed like me?_

_You should see my scars  
You should see my scars  
You should see my scars  
You should see my scars  
And try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend."_

Hiro finished reading the song and looked up at Shuichi's smiling, expectant face. He smiled.

"It's good," he muttered, his smile growing when Shuichi practically beamed. "Where did you get the idea to write something like this?"

Shuichi shrugged. "It's about some of the things that the people around me suffered with while I was in the hospital. Some pretty intense shit."

Hiro nodded. "I can't disagree with you there."

Shuichi nodded. Hiro delved back into the lined pages and read as many of the poems as he could before he felt like he would burst out into tears. True, some of them were happy, but the tones behind all of them were so meaningful and told just about everything everyone had been through in the past year.

When he finished, Hiro closed the notebook and handed it back to Shuichi, smiling.

"I'm impressed," he said.

"Thanks."

"We just need to see what to do about the other two important members of our band, and then we can go from there."

Shuichi nodded. "I was planning on talking to Ben and/or Suguru later on today, anyway, so I guess I can call 'em both."

"Okay."

Shuichi looked down at his watch and blanched.

"Shit, shit, fuck, dammit!" he muttered under his breath. "I told Eiri I'd be out on a few minutes. It's been an hour. He's gonna be so fuckin' pissed."

Hiro immediately scowled and Shuichi instantly regretted his choice of words.

"He's going to be angry but he'll get over it. He's better now, Hiro, just trust me on this one. Please?"

Hiro sighed and rolled his eyes, but shrugged nonetheless.

"Thank you," Shuichi said and stood up, engulfing Hiro in a tight hug. "I'll talk to you later?"

Hiro nodded. "I'd be insulted if you didn't."

Shuichi chuckled. "Bye," he said and ran out the door, closing it tightly behind him.

He was right when he got back down to the car; Eiri was fuming, but when he saw the happy look on Shuichi's face he couldn't help but be happy too. Shuichi kind of felt sorry for him in a way for having to sit with Aiko in a car for two hours but he said that she mostly just sat in silence and stared out the window, lost in her own world as she was presently in the back seat.

Shuichi tensed. "Aiko!" he called and looked behind him.

Eiri had been telling the truth alright. The auburn-haired girl's blue eyes were staring lifelessly out the window at the pavement. He sighed.

"You can't let her get like this, Eiri," he whispered. "She blacks out and loses contact with her body and that's when she cuts. It's the reason why she's almost died so many times; if she's not paying attention she doesn't know how deep her cuts are or where they are."

Yuki looked upset. "I'm sorry," he muttered. "I didn't know."

Shuichi smiled. "Well, now you do."

The raven-haired man put a hand on Aiko's arm and shook her gently, pulling her back from wherever she had been.

"Oh, Shu-chan! When did you get back?" she asked. "And why do you look so worried?"

"You black out again."

Aiko's face went slack and turned angry. "Shit!" she cursed. "Goddamn it! I didn't even realize it. How can I stop when I don't even know when I get like that?"

Shuichi smiled. "Don't worry, we'll help."

She nodded and Shuichi climbed in the backseat with her as Yuki started the engine.

"Seatbelts," he muttered and pulled out of his parking space to return home.

**-------------**

Ryuichi sighed and set his journal on his nightstand, pulling his legs up to chest to rest his head on them. Everything was so fuzzy and he could just barely tell Tatsuha from the post of their bed. Speaking of Tatsuha…where had he run off to again? Oh, yeah, that's right. He went to the grocery. Ryuichi checked the clock. But that had been five hours ago. He thought. Or had it only been two? Or one? Or maybe it had even been longer than five? After all the pills he'd put in his system, he couldn't even recall what time the boy had left at.

_This is bullshit,_ his mind told him. _You need to stop this before you hurt him or kill yourself._

"But I feel so much better," he muttered, his words slurring a little bit.

_You think you feel better because you're killing the brain cells that tell you when you're in pain, you dumb ass._

"Don't call me names!" he yelled and then started to giggle uncontrollably. "I'm talking to myself." Giggles. "I'm going crazy."

Climbing out of bed, Ryuichi slipped into a pair of shoes and went downstairs to the kitchen to grab his car keys. A note from Tatsuha was lying on the counter.

_Ryuichi,  
Sorry for the late notice but I went to visit a friend of mine and I won't be coming home tonight.  
I'll see you in the morning. Once again, I'm sorry.  
All my love, Tatsuha_

Ryuichi snorted. Had Tatsuha even caught onto the fact that his lover was testing his overdose limit daily? Adding more and more pills until he passed out…or died. Well…the latter hadn't happened _yet_. He snorted again and grabbed his car keys. Screw him then.

Ryuichi went into the garage and got in his car. It took him three tries to get the key into the ignition, finally having to use his left hand to stabilize his right so it would go in correctly, and he five more minutes for him to remember how to put the car into reverse. Finally, he was on the open road and heading into town.

His vision was still fuzzy and he knew he was weaving back and forth across the road, his giggles sometimes making the wheel even harder to control. It was a good thing that cops hardly ever stationed themselves along this road.

Halfway to his destination, the car started to pull toward the other lane. Bright lines shone in Ryuichi's eyes and loud, piercing horn split through his head as he pulled the wheel back toward his lane.

"You stupid motherfucker, watch where you're goin'!" he yelled, giggling at himself afterwards for ten consecutive minutes.

Finally, after fifteen long minutes and three close calls, Ryuichi pulled up outside the small tavern that was his destination. He got out of the car and made his way inside, stumbling and giggling at himself on the way in. People looked at him weirdly as he took his seat at the almost empty bar, he knew that they did, but he just smiled at them and waved.

"What'll it be?" the bartender asked.

"Vodka," Ryuichi giggled. "Lots and lotsa vodka."

Within seconds the bartender had a glass in front of Ryuichi and took his money, promising to add more to the glass whenever he realized that it was going empty.

It didn't take long before Ryuichi was wasted. The drugs in his system had lowered his alcohol tolerance level quite a bit and, mixed with the alcohol, Ryuichi was surprised that he could make out any shapes period.

"I'm drunk," he giggled to himself, smiling at the man beside him.

When the bartender told Ryuichi that he wouldn't give the brunette anymore to drink, he'd argued but had been carried outside and put in his car.

"Bastards!" he yelled at the top of his lungs and pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.

All of a sudden, unconsciousness pulled Ryuichi down into its depths and he passed out in the driver's seat of his car.

He didn't know when it happened or how it happened or where he was when he woke up, but he woke up in a soft, comfortable bed. He yawned largely and groaned, rolling over and burying his head in the pillow when the splitting pain attacked his head.

Someone shook him and said his name.

"Whoever you are, leave me alone," he moaned and put a pillow over his head.

"Ryuichi."

"Go away."

Ryuichi felt himself lifted up off the bed and he clenched his eyes shut against the bright morning sunlight. Before he had time to defend himself, the person who had lifted him punched him across the face.

"Son of a bitch!" he yelled and his eyes snapped open, headache forgotten for the moment.

And who did he see sitting beside him but a fuming Tatsuha. He laughed. How ironic.

"Why the hell ya do that?" he cursed.

Tatsuha scowled. "Oh, I dunno. Maybe because all you've been able to think about for the past month is how you're gonna get your goddamned pills," Tatsuha yelled. "I'm not as blind as I look, Ryuichi. Did you happen to forget what I've been through?"

Ryuichi scowled but felt a sharp pain deep inside his heart. He knew this was going to happen, just not this soon. Why did it have to happen so soon?

"Look," he muttered. "I'm sorry."

Tatsuha laughed out loud. "No you're not. If you were sorry you would've stopped before you ever started up again."

Ryuichi sighed and closed his eyes the headache suddenly returning to him. The need to barf up a lung lurched in his stomach and he was off for the bathroom in a second, ignoring Tatsuha's laughter behind him.

He was glad, but surprised, that Tatsuha hadn't followed him to mock him and make sure he didn't take anything to make the pain go away. The boy had probably already taken the pills anyway, so there was no use in trying.

Half an hour later, Ryuichi came trudging out of the bathroom, wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his shirt. Tatsuha was still sitting on the bed, smiling up at him while he read out of the brunette's journal. He held up the little black book and laughed.

"Did you not think that I would find this?" he asked. "At least Shu _tried_ to hide his from me by getting one on the internet. I found it, though, in the end."

Ryuichi stared at the boy before him in disbelief and anger.

"Have you taken your medicine today, Tatsuha?" he asked slowly, not wanting to anger him more than he already was.

Tatsuha chuckled and shook his head. "Nope, I was saving it for you."

Ryuichi scowled. "I wouldn't have taken your anti-depressants, Tatsuha."

"Sure you wouldn't have."

"I can't believe you!" Ryuichi yelled. "Yes, I started taking Percocets again. Yes, I ran away from Japan. Yes, I keep doing every fucking thing wrong, but I'm through putting all of my efforts into trying to make myself better when I always fail! I can't handle it!"

"So you drown your sorrows in pills and alcohol…"

"Oh, stop it, Tatsuha."

Tatsuha laughed. "Can't handle the truth, Ryu?"

"I've never run or tried to hide from the truth, Tatsuha. I knew exactly what I was doing and why I did the things that I did. I ran away from Japan with everyone's best interests in mind. I started taking Percocets again so the annoying voice in my head would shut up. And I went out to drink tonight because I didn't think that you were going to come back."

"You're lucky that I did," Tatsuha muttered under his breath.

Ryuichi growled and threw his hands into the air, storming out of the bedroom.

"I give up!" he yelled. "I'm through trying to please you. No one can be Rori, I know that, but I tried my hardest and it still wasn't enough. Nothing's good enough for you. You need to face the facts, Tatsuha. Rori's not coming back, okay? He's dead. You need to take the love from people who offer it to you instead of being the cold bastard you've suddenly turned into and shoving them all away."

By the time he was done, Ryuichi had his jacket on and slipped into his shoes. To intensify the end, he walked outside and slammed the door.

He didn't even bother to take his car. He set out on the road and started walking until he found an ATV path and followed that instead. If Tatsuha was following, he better have been following closely or he wouldn't find Ryuichi anywhere until he decided to return home.

Finally deciding that he was far enough from the road, Ryuichi sat down on a fallen tree and broke down. Sobs from the bottom of his soul were ripped out from his throat and he screamed until his voice went raw. His sobs turned silent and he rested his head on the tree behind him, letting the tears fall freely.

A horn. A scream. The squeal of tires.

Ryuichi's eyes snapped open and he shot forward.

"TATSUHA!"

TBC…

A/N: Dun, dun, dun. What the hell just happened there at the end! creepy voice I'll never tell. Heh, heh. So much for the happiness, right…

Anywhozitz…I do hope that this helped answer some Hiro questions and please don't send me reviews asking "OMG! Is Tatsuha dead!" 'Cause I won't tell you until you read the next chapter…sticks out tongue…So there!…

Also…I just got a job so I won't have much time to write and I need to work on the next chapter of "Unbeating Heartache" as well. I haven't updated that since March so it's time… Sorry for those of ya'll who don't seem to like it but I love that story and I'm still gonna work on it…

Alrighty then…here's my review reviews…

**Shadow0:** I'm glad that you liked my last chapter, but please don't hack my comp.! Please!…  
**Dhampir: **I hope you liked this chapter and I've glad that you liked the last one. Much love…  
**Syaoran is kawaii: **Thank you for your words of inspiration. That must sound so clichéd, but I'm tellin' the truth. You're review made me feel 10x happier. Thank you…  
**tai: **I dunno if you've made it this far. If you did, I hope you like  
**animegirl12182:** I'm glad that you had fun at Thunder and I hope that you're thawed out by now…Heh, heh…And I'm workin' on the cd. I keep forgettin' that the post office closes at 4. _smiles _Hopefully you'll have it by the time I get this posted…  
**kriziamoon: **Yup…Ryu has a big problem and a bad problem. A problem that can't be taken lightly, just like everyone else's…  
**gravitationdreamer: **I'm glad that I have a new reviewer and I'm glad that you like this. I hope you liked this chapter just as much…  
**GravityNeko: **Not answering your question 'cause my ass'll get kicked my some angry stalker people...  
**Guren: **Thank you, too, for you encouraging words. But, I'm doin' a little better. Relapses sucks but are bound to happen so I'm gettin' with my life. I'm sorry to hear that you know how I feel, though. I hope you liked this chapter…  
**tangerine-asuka: **Er…you hope that I don't make you all cry? That may be hard to do. I hope you liked this…  
**DARK WRYDER: **I dunno if you've made it this far, either, but as I've said before I hope you like it if you have…  
**ku-chan: **Got more for ya, Ku-chan. I hope you're doin' good. Thinkin' 'bout cha as always…_hugs_…Much love…  
**Sammy -.-zzz: **I'm sorry that I haven't e-mailed you those lyrics yet. I kinda sorta lost 'em. Heh, heh. I'll hopefully have 'em for you soon, though…Huggles!…  
**Sour-Skittlez: **I'm sorry that you were jealous but I hope you're okay now. And, yup, FREEDOM! But is it for the best, or for the worst?…  
**subzero13:** I hope you liked this chappie...  
**DaisukeAizawa:** YaY! Another new reviewer! I'm glad that you liked this and I'm also sad, as always, that you can relate to it. And your welcome. I should be thanking you for liking my fic, you shouldn't be thanking me…  
**Sakuraloveu**:I hope that this chapter sorted some things out for you. If not, I'm sorry and I hope that your questions will be answered soon…  
**DBZluver2:** I dunno if you've gotten to this yet, either, so just read above. I hope you liked it if you have…  
**DeMoN4EvA: **Wow…someone's finally proud of me and admits it. Thank you! _glomps _You made me happy when you said that…  
**Crystal Flowers: **I hope you found some out about Ryu and I'm sorry once again for leavin' ya hangin'. I hope you liked this chappie…  
**Kashoku1: **Hope you liked…  
**Thread-Spool: **You gave me lots and lotsa reviews but thank you for taking the time to read it all the way through. And yeah…saying that I'm Aiko is admitting something that I've also admitted in other chapters and very boldly stated at the beginning of chapter 18. Yeah…I cut, big deal. At least I'm getting help. Oh…sorry if I was cold there, I wasn't meaning to. Do you forgive me? Anyway…I hope you liked this chapter, too…  
**i love athrun: **Here's your new chapter. I hope you liked…  
**jesy: **I hope this was another good time waster for you in your boring study hall. I hope you liked this chapter, too…  
**Person-sama: **I'll try my hardest, but, like I said, I gots people that'll hurt me bad if I make it too obvious. But I've also got a promise to another friend who'll kill me if I don't write a "scene" for her. I'll try…  
**Lenora-chan: **Can't remember if you've read chapter 18 Miss Muse, but I hope you liked this chapter. And yeah, I know you'll kill me if I don't write your "scene". _laughs _I hope to talk to you soon. Much love…  
**shadowcat06:** I hope that you find the time to catch up soon and I hope you like what you read…

Okie dokie…those were a lot of lame ass comments to some kick ass reviews. Thanks so much to all of you for letting me know how much you like this. You'll never know how much it means to me…

Oh, yeah…can't forget to say sorry for any grammatical (oo…big word...heh, heh) errors in this chapter. I hope that they don't take anything away…

Okay…on to chapter 20…my ending point when I started, but now just a stepping stone. See ya then. Ja…


	20. Illusions

WHAT! Does it actually say that I updated "ILaH"? _laughs _It sure does…

Okay…I know that this has taken forever for me to write but I have reasons…work, my dad working nights and sleeping whenever I needed the computer, our computer being messed up, vacation, being depressed, writer's block. See, I didn't just forget about this and ya'll wantin' to read it, I just couldn't work on it. But, alas, here I am with chapter 20…getting closer and closer to the last chapter of my story…

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own _Gravitation_ and the song in this chapter is called "Illusions" and it was written by kuriqa. _glomps _Thank you so much, Ku-chan!…

**Illusions…**

Shuichi tossed and turned in the oversized bed, but couldn't fall asleep. A strong sense of foreboding had taken over his mind and would let him sleep until it was at rest. But how could he put it to rest if he didn't know what it was in the first place? Silly mind and its stupid demands.

Growling in frustration, Shuichi sat up in bed and ran a hand through his hair.

"Just calm down, Shuichi, everything's fine. You're just being your old paranoid self and you think someone's after you. Just breathe and lay back down. Everything's gonna be okay."

He did exactly what he told himself and buried his head back into the fluffy pillow. He closed his eyes and wandered through his head, chasing the day's thoughts. Just as he was about to drift into sleep the phone rang and echoed throughout the house.

"Oh for Christ's sake!" he yelled and sat up in bed.

The pitter-patter of footsteps down the hall alerted him to Yuki's presence and he sighed. Well, at least now someone besides him was awake. He better make the best of it.

Sighing, Shuichi crawled out of bed and tiptoed to the door, opening it quietly. He silently made his way down the hallway and to the top of the stairway, where he took a seat on the top step. He could just barely hear what Yuki was saying, but he felt a fist tighten around his gut. This was it. This was what was bothering him. Something had happened to someone.

Tears immediately invaded Shuichi's eyes and he wiped at them in irritation. Crying and he didn't even know what had happened yet? He laughed. But he swore that he could hear the tears in Eiri's voice.

"…sure…wha…ppened?…o…od…" Nothing really recognizable to listen to through the wall and door of the kitchen, but Shuichi knew he was right. Eiri was crying. He should go down there and ask what was wrong. No! It wasn't his business…Eiri would tell him if he wanted to.

Right on cue, the kitchen door swung open and Yuki walked out, wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his pajama shirt. When he saw Shuichi sitting on the staircase, he froze. In an instant, he broke down into sobs. Shuichi didn't even have to tell his feet what to do before he was down the stairs and had the blonde in his arms, leading him into the living room to sit.

"Eiri, what's wrong?"

A long jumble of incoherent words and phrases came tumbling out of the blonde's mouth. Shuichi sighed and pulled Eiri to him, resting the blonde's head on his chest.

"Sh," he whispered. "Calm down. I can't understand you."

"Tatsuha's dead!"

Shuichi's heart stopped at the yelled words. He shook his head.

"Wh-what? What do you m—"

"I mean that he's dead, Shuichi. He's dead."

Shuichi shook his head again. No! Tatsuha wasn't _dead._ He couldn't be dead. No one that he loved was supposed to be able to die!

"How? How is he dead?"

"A hit and run," Eiri whispered.

If it hadn't been for the seriousness of the moment, Shuichi would've said something to lighten the mood, but he shook the thought out of his head. Damn cars!

"Oh, Eiri."

The sobs that had only just calmed now overcame the blonde again and left him shaking violently in Shuichi's arms. Shuichi rested his head on top of Eiri's. The door across the room was pulled open and Aiko slowly walked in.

"What's going on in here?" she muttered, rubbing at her eyes.

"I'll explain it to you later, okay?" Shuichi whispered. She nodded and took a seat in the chair beside the couch the two men were sitting on.

It took what felt like forever for Eiri to calm down, and it didn't make matters better when he kept moaning Tatsuha's name over and over again. It took everything he had for Shuichi to be strong for Eiri and not break down into the same desperate tears. He could feel the tears stinging at the corners of his eyes and cursed when he felt them begin to leak out.

When the blonde finally calmed down, Shuichi sat up and ran his hands lightly through his golden locks. It wasn't long before Eiri was asleep.

Shuichi sighed and ran a hand through his hair, resting his head on the back of the couch.

"Is everything alright, Shuichi?" Aiko whispered, fear apparent in her voice.

Shuichi shook his head sadly.

"You know, that man that came to see me a while back? He was in a wheel chair." She nodded. "Well, he was Eiri's younger brother, Tatsuha. An-and he was involved in an accident, and…" Tears started to fall from Shuichi's eyes and he wiped at them in irritation. "He was killed."

Aiko gasped and shook her head.

"Oh my God! Are you okay? Is Uesugi-san okay?"

Shuichi shook his head. "I don't know, Aiko. I just don't know."

Aiko shook her head and wiped the stray tears from her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Shuichi."

Shuichi shook his head. "Just when everything was starting to get better again, it all goes to hell. Why does He seem to hate us all so badly? What have we ever done to upset Him?"

Shuichi closed his eyes and let the dam break, allowing the tears he had been holding back to fall freely down his face. Slowly, silently, he fell into a deep sleep with Eiri in his arms.

**-------------**

Ryuichi Sakuma sat in the cold room, his eyes locked to the floor as he was mobbed by ruthless fans. Inside, all he felt like doing was screaming out loud and telling everyone to fuck off and leave him alone, but outside, he knew that he couldn't do it. Even though he hated Noriko and Touma for setting up the live performance, he knew that it was the only thing keeping him to together at the moment.

A head of lavender hair was weaving through the crowd toward him. With a smile, he dismissed himself from the fans and made his way into his dressing room, locking the door behind him. He sat down on the overstuffed couch and rested his head on the back. A few seconds later, the handle rattled and then someone knocked on the door.

"Ryuichi?" Noriko's voice echoed into the room. "C'mon, Ryu, please let me in. It's not healthy for you to lock yourself in there like this."

"Leave me alone!" he muttered, putting his head in his hands.

"Ryuichi?" This time it was Touma. "Let us in, Ryuichi. Please."

"Go away!" he yelled.

He was shaking. His entire body was quaking violently. He sat up and reached into his pocket with his hand, trying twice after missing the first time. He pulled the small orange bottle of pills out of his pocket and held them to his chest. He knew that he shouldn't take them, but they always made everything feel so much better. Sighing, he twisted off the cap and dumped three into his hand, dry swallowing them.

"Ryuichi, it's time for us to go on," Noriko called through the door.

"I'm coming," he spat. "Just give me a second."

Ryuichi looked into the mirror hanging on the wall beside the door and ruffled his hair slightly with his hands. He checked out his outfit (a simple pair of blue jeans and a black tee-shirt with Chuck's) and pulled the door open. Noriko and Touma were both standing there, looking very distressed.

"Are you going to be okay?" Noriko asked.

"What kind of stupid question is that?" Ryuichi growled. "Of course I'm not going to be okay."

Noriko frowned and followed the brunette who was sulking down the hallway toward the stage that they were to be performing on.

"Ryu, I know that you're in pain right now, but you can't keep acting like it was all our faults," she said, reaching out to latch onto his wrist but he pulled it away from her grasp. "Ryuichi!"

Another hand reached out and grasped Ryuichi's wrist in it's vice. The brunette was turned about with a snarl and whipped into the nearest wall. A pale face framed by blonde hair filled all of his vision.

"Ryuichi!" Touma spat vehemently. "Stop this madness and start acting a moral person. This isn't the you I know!"

"It's all my fault that Tatsuha is dead, alright? If I hadn't have act like I had, none of this would've happened and he would still be here today."

Touma blanched and backed away from his quaking friend.

"Ryu…I…"

"Don't try to console me or any of that bullshit, Touma. I know what has been done and what needs to be done for me to repent, okay? That's all that matters."

With that the brunette turned and stormed off toward the stage, where the stagehands were ready to rush them to their marks.

The darkened stage was immediately surrounded by screaming fans and bright, blinding lights. Ryuichi hated it, all he wanted to do was go home to bed and sleep for the rest of his life.

The announcer came over the PA system and announced the upcoming performance to the crowd and the people at home.

"And now, with their newest hit 'Illusions', here is Nittle Grasper!"

Immediately the studio's backup band began to strum the opening guitar sequence, causing the crowd to erupt into cheers. The rest of the band kicked in, along with Touma and Noriko on their synthesizers, and Ryuichi closed his eyes and began to tap his foot. After ten taps, he began to sing.

_I'm reverting back  
Going backwards  
To habits I believed to be broken_

_How can I smile  
When I'm hurting  
How can I laugh  
When my heart is breaking_

There wasn't a distinguished chorus to the song, but for a few seconds the band kicked up and gave Ryuichi something to yell.

_Old scars fade, new ones are made  
But my memories remain_

The blinding lights were already starting to get to him. Ryuichi could feel the sweat pouring out of every pore in his skin and was beginning to have to squint his eyes to see anything. But something underneath all of the normal things didn't feel right. Something was very wrong.

_How can I be happy  
When I'm really sad  
How can I be free  
When my soul is trapped_

_I'm moving ahead  
Going forwards  
Into the light I believed didn't exist_

_How can I live  
When I want to die  
How can I go on  
When I want to stop_

As the band kicked up a second time everything began to blur together, making Ryuichi nauseous.

_Will I ever be free  
Free of the memories that haunt me_

Couldn't Touma or Noriko see that he wasn't going to make it through the performance? Couldn't they see that he was getting weaker by the second? Why weren't they helping him?

_How can I love  
When I hate  
How can I die  
When I'm not living_

_I'm standing still  
Going nowhere  
In this living illusion called life_

_How can I cry  
When there are no tears  
How can I hold up this mask  
When I am breaking down inside_

This time the band played quieter, the music of a piano overruling the drums and guitars. Almost silently, Ryuichi whispered the next lyrics.

_When all is done  
Darkness swallows all_

A thirty second long guitar riff filled the television studio, finally giving Ryuichi some time to relax. He closed his eyes and concentrated on how he was feeling and what was wrong with him. Then he remembered taking the pills. Damn…he should've thought before taking them.

_How can there be hope  
When all I can see despair  
How can I win  
When I have already lost_

_I've nowhere left to go  
There is no up for my down  
No right for my left_

_How can I breathe  
When there is no air  
How can there be light  
When all around is darkness_

The band kicked up one last time to really give Ryuichi something to sing to. Forcing himself to stay on his feet, Ryuichi went on with the next verse.

_I've finally given in  
And let the shadows take me_

Everything went quiet, the only sounds being the far off cheers from the crowd. Ryuichi closed his eyes and belted out the last line.

_I've finally let this living illusion win_

The crowd erupted into cheers and Ryuichi bowed.

"Thank you," he said and followed the rest of the band off the stage.

"Ryuichi!" Someone grabbed onto his arm and turned him around. It was Noriko and she had tears in her eyes. At least it looked like she had tears in her eyes. Everything was too blurry for him to really tell what was going on. Ryuichi sighed. Just great.

"Ryuichi, are you okay? I saw you on stage and you didn't look like you were feeling to well." Yeah, she was crying. He could hear it in her voice. "Ryuichi! Look at me, dammit!"

She smacked across the face as hard as she could, the crack echoing down the deserted hall. Ryuichi blinked and shook his head. Yeah, Noriko was crying, and Touma was standing behind her with look of pain marring his face. He looked at the lavender-haired woman and feigned his best smile.

"I'm fine, Nori-chan," he said. "You don't have to worry about me."

Wrong. Noriko scowled and this time punched him across the face as hard as she possibly could.

"Damn you and fucking pride to hell, Ryuichi! What is wrong with you? I need you to talk to me!"

Ryuichi scowled. "I already told you, Noriko. Everything is my fault. You all would've just been so much better if I had never been involved in your lives."

Noriko was practically sobbing now, her hands clenched into fists so tightly that her knuckles were white. "Don't talk like that," she whispered. "My life would be nothing if I had never met you, little brother."

Ryuichi shook his head, clasping it in his hands. "No, don't call me that!"

"You are my little brother, Ryuichi, whether you like or not. And you always will be."

With a quiet scream, Ryuichi opened his eyes and ran away from his two friends. Through his tear-filled eyes he found the staircase and ran up, up, up. He barely heard the footsteps chasing after him, and didn't even turn around when he did.

He yelled in triumph as he finally crashed through the last door. The rooftop.

Ryuichi ran as fast as he possibly could across the rooftop, ignoring the footsteps closing in on him.

"Ryuichi, please stop!" It was Noriko, and he bet Touma was following close behind.

"Let me alone!" he yelled.

The edge was coming closer. He was almost there. Just a little bit further.

A hand grabbed onto his wrist just as he went barreling over the edge. A piercing scream rang out through the busy Tokyo night. Suddenly, Ryuichi stopped and swung back toward the marble building. Instinct kicked in and he flung out his legs to keep him from slamming into the hard rock.

From somewhere above him, Ryuichi could hear sobbing. He looked up to see Noriko dangling over the edge of the building with him, her hand the one with the vice grip around his wrist. She hung with her eyes clenched closed; how the tears managed to find their ways out of her eyes, he wasn't sure. Moving his eyes up a little further, Ryuichi saw that Touma was the one who had stopped them. He had both of his hands wrapped around Noriko's wrist, a strained look on his face as he struggled to hold their weight.

"Let me go, Noriko," Ryuichi yelled.

"NO!" she yelled and finally opened her eyes. "I will not let you go, Ryuichi. I refuse to."

"If you don't let me go, you're going to die. Touma can't pull both of our weights up there."

"I'm fine, Ryuichi!" Touma yelled, and began to pull.

Slowly, Ryuichi felt himself lifted little by little. Chancing a look down, he chuckled as he saw all of the little ant-sized people watching the fight. He looked back up and watched as Noriko got closer and closer to the top, finally able to use her legs to help Touma pull the two of them up. When she finally made it to the solid rooftop, Ryuichi groaned.

"This wasn't how it was supposed to happen," he whispered.

With hardly even a fight, Noriko pulled Ryuichi up onto the rooftop. She didn't stop pulling him until they were in the middle and well away from any edges. With a heart-wrenching sob, she wrapped her arms around Ryuichi and collapsed against him.

She beat her fists against his chest, yelling at him incoherently through her sobs. Touma stood back, a look of processing on his face.

"You're such a bastard, Ryuichi! Why don't you start thinking about someone other than yourself? What do you think we would've done if you had just died? How do you think we would've felt? Do you think we would've been happy? What the hell was going through your mind!" Noriko yelled, her sobs finally calmed enough so she could speak clearly. "And you still haven't been eating. Even with my adrenaline I should've had some difficulty pulling you over the edge and I didn't have any problem."

Ryuichi just stood there, emotionless. His face was completely void of any emotion, his eyes a reflection of his stone face. Noriko yelled and began to swing to slap him across the face, but Touma grabbed onto her wrist gently.

"Let him be, Noriko," Touma sad, his voice quavering slightly. It was just then that Ryuichi noticed that Touma was shaking violently. He tore his eyes away from his friends' crying faces, diverting them to the blinding city lights.

"Come on, let's go back inside," Touma muttered and grabbed onto Ryuichi's arm, pulling him along gently.

Very reluctantly, Ryuichi tore his eyes away from the lights and allowed himself to be dragged back inside. There would be another time. They couldn't keep an eye on him forever.

TBC…

A/N: So…how was it? Was it worth the wait? Please don't be angry with me. I know that this was an extremely angsty chapter, but I love the ending. Especially the part where Ryuichi goes over the edge. I liked writing the part. At first I was going to have him jump over and commit suicide but I liked this better…gives a better cliffhanger. Heh, heh…I'm so evil… I know that this isn't the longest chapter either, but at least it's something, right? Hopefully the next one won't take so long to come out…

Okay…now I guess I should be nice and give my thanks for the reviewers of chapter 19…

**Guren:** Thank you for your kind words…even though you probably don't remember what you said 'cause it's been so long. He, heh… I really hope you enjoyed this chapter…

**Sour-Skittlez:** Sure you weren't. Heh, heh. And no, I'm sorry, Kuma-chan didn't get hit. But he's gonna start playing a bigger role in this story from now on…

**The Amazing Tsu-chan: **Isn't twenty your new favorite number? Probably not 'cause this was a depressing chapter, huh? Oh, well. I hope you liked it nonetheless…

**Shadow0:** What's your Rori solution? And please don't take over my mind. You know how it is and you would last very long in it before it drives you insane… I hope you liked this chapter…

**subzero13:** I think this one is up there on the intensity level also. But it was good, right?...

**Sammy-chan: **Oh yeah! The lyrics! I've got the best song ever, too! I'm so sorry…I'll send them to you when I get done writing these and post this…I hope you liked this chapter…

**Jae-chan: **You're one of the few people who liked "Unbeating Heartache", but I'm still hoping to update it soon. I dunno… I'm starting to write more original stuff now and I actually got an account on I'm so nervous!...

**Ryu Sakuma: **Tat-chan will be pika pika again 'cause he's in heaven now, but I'm not sure about Ryu-chan. You'll just have to stay tuned to find out…

**DeMoN4EvA: **Yeah…I think that "Lies" goes good, too, but I can come up with so many songs that just go along with _Gravitation_. It's insane and everyone hates reading song fics so I gotta keep 'em to myself… Ugh! Oh, well…

**Tenshi: **I'll send you my e-mail A.S.A.P… You wrote poems in honor of my fic? I feel so honored. I hope this lived up to the rest of it…

**LadyRave: **I hope that this wasn't too long. _dunks as you through some kind of sharp object at me_ Okay…I guess that was the wrong thing to say. I hope you liked it though. And I'm working on my other story, just not as hard…

**Kitty in the Box: **You love me…awww… Thank you. I'm glad that my story has helped so many people. It makes me feel much better. And no, this isn't the last chapter. There's still a few more to go. Some healing still needs to be done and string still need to be tied. I hope you liked this chapter, though…

**GWL: **And why is Shuichi fucked up? Because he feels pain but deals with it in a different way than you do. You not only call Shuichi fucked up when you say that but you also call me and many readers of this fic fucked up… Okay…I know that was harsh but I deal with people calling me a freak behind my back and giving me dirty glances every day. It's hard and I hate to hear people talk about cutters like they're messed up because they aren't. Anway…I hope you liked this chapter…

**Person-sama: **Nope…I'm not allowed to hook Aiko-chan up with a _Gravi_ character. I can hook her up with someone original but definitely not Shu-chan. Someone already forbade me from doing that. I hope you liked this…

**Crystal Flowers: **Man…you must've sat for a long time. Sorry about that. I hope you had plenty of magazines or books to read…

**Ku-chan: **Cliffy solved. I really hope you'll be able to read this chapter and I hope you liked it. I love ya much…

**GoTrinba: **I hope you liked this installment of "ILaH" and I hope that it keeps living up to its name. I feel like I'm failing it in some way. _shrugs _I dunno…

**DBZluver2:** I hope you liked this update…

**Kashoku1: **Well…at least only one of your things was off. I hope you liked this…

**clear venom: **Dude…

**DaisukeAizawa: **Your favorite fic of all time? Wow…I feel special now. I hope that this chapter lived up to the rest for you…

**Twitchy87: **Yeah…and the funny thing is that you wouldn't think that I was a deep person if you knew me…I'm a dork and like to goof off a lot…

**Hiyruuthewarrior: **I wish I could tell you what I have in mind for coming chapters but that would completely blow it… But you'll be surprised with Ryuichi…

**Trina: **Thank you… I hope your friend likes this chapter and I hope you like it too…

**Syaoran is kawaii: **I'm afraid to get any deeper with Yuki and Shu's relationship because I know that some people would be angry with me for it. But I guess it shouldn't matter. I mean, it's my story right? I dunno…we'll just have to see…

**Heroin Girl: **Wow…such a long review… Seether isn't lame but I won't argue. Everyone has their own tastes in music. Shuichi was confused…that's why he did the things that he did. It was kinda hard not to notice that. I don't think that "Cutting Through It All" is plagiarism. It has its own story line and plot and I don't think it's much like my fic at all. Dhampir is a good friend of mine… I've read all of "CTIA" and all that she has done of "Without You I Am Lost". I love Dhampir's writing… Anyway…I hope you liked this…

**Misery Haunts Doom: **Here's the next chapter…finally! Sorry it took so long…

Okay…I think that was it… I'm sorry if I missed anyone. As usual, sorry for any grammar/spelling errors in this chapter. I'm still forbidden from using the printer…

Alrighty…hoping to see you in chapter 21 or in another fic…Ja!...


	21. Hard to Say

I'M SO SORRY THAT IT TOOK SO LONG FOR ME TO UPDATE! _cries and gets on knees _Will you all ever forgive me! Well…it's not my fault that our computer was infested with viruses, but I guess I owe it to you all to make this chapter as long and good as I possibly can, right? Right…

The titles of the next few chapters are going to be song titles…the titles of the songs used in them. I told you that almost all of the "In Love and Death" CD by The Used goes with this fic and so does some of their first CD. Okay? Good…

ALRIGHTY! Here I go!…

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own it, but I did get the OVAs. They're hilarious! And "Hard to Say" belongs to The Used…

**Hard to Say…**

One year slowly passed, and then two, each passing day growing longer and longer. Slowly, painstakingly, everyone began to make some sort of recovery. Old wounds began to heal and old relationships were rebuilt. Everyone was still in despair from the death of Tatsuha, but it would be futile to hold onto someone who wasn't going to return. It was time to move on with their lives and keep their eyes on the future, not the past.

**-------------**

A raven-haired man stood in the middle of a crowded airport terminal, his amethyst eyes searching wildly for the head of blonde hair he could so easily recognize. There! Just exiting the airplane. The man grinned and ran wildly through the crowd, jumping up and wrapping his arms around the man's neck when he met him.

The man stuttered and shook his head, a smile spreading across his face when he realized who his attacker was. "Why hello, Shu-kun," he said.

The raven-haired man smiled up at him toothily and pulled away. "Why did you have to leave for so long, Eiri?"

"It was only two weeks you baka," the blonde chuckled.

"Yeah, but it felt like _forever_," Shuichi said, putting plenty of emphasis on the "forever" part.

Eiri laughed and began to walk toward the exit of the terminal, Shuichi following closely behind.

The raven-haired man just couldn't keep from smiling, a dramatic change from the depressed psychopath he was after the blonde before him had left. He hadn't been able to be alone for the first few days, only trusted to be by himself after he had agreed to call Hiro at least once a day. Had he kept up on that bargain? Well…he _did_ try but by the time the first week was over it got exceedingly annoying. So, much to the displeasure of his friend, he'd stopped calling.

The voice of the blonde in front of him pulled Shuichi out of his thoughts and he had to run to catch up with him.

"Hm?" he asked.

"I asked how you're doing," Eiri muttered.

Shuichi blushed. Eiri would've never thought about checking up on him before, but he guessed that Eiri had changed… Just like he had.

"Okay. It's been about a week," Shuichi whispered, flinching under the glare he got from Eiri.

"A week?" the blonde asked. Shuichi nodded. "Why?" Eiri sighed.

Shuichi shook his head, stopping in his tracks. He heard Eiri sigh but was surprised when he felt a hand under his chin. The hand lifted his head and, Shuichi opened his eyes to find that he was gazing into concerned amber orbs.

"Please, Shu-kun? I'm worried about you."

Shuichi sighed. "I just got depressed. I hadn't heard from you for a while and I thought that…" Shuichi hung his head, tears welling up in his eyes. No. He wouldn't cry, he refused to let himself do that. "I didn't think that you were going to come back. I thought that you'd abandoned me again."

Eiri shook his head, his blonde locks flying to and fro. "I would never do that to you."

Shuichi still didn't look up at him, and Eiri sighed.

"Listen, Shu. I was stupid back then, I'll be the first one to admit it, but that was what…six years ago? Seven? I've changed. You've changed. Hell…I think everyone and everything around us has changed since then."

Shuichi peeked up at Eiri from beneath his raven bangs. The blonde was gazing at him imploringly, a small frown on his face. Shuichi sighed and dropped his eyes to the floor, beginning to walk away but Eiri grabbed onto his wrist lightly.

Before Shuichi knew what was happening, warm lips were pressed against his and arms were wrapped around his body. He melted into the embrace, wrapping his own arms around Eiri's neck. The time stood still around them as the two kissed passionately in the middle of the crowded airport.

When Eiri finally broke the kiss with a gasp, Shuichi saw that salty tears were running down his face. He furrowed his brow and wiped the tears away with his thumb, frowning when the blonde pulled his hand away.

"I love you, Shuichi," he cried, "and will never leave you again. I'll be by your side, always."

Shuichi shook his head and sighed. "I can't, Eiri," he whispered.

Eiri gaped and looked at Shuichi with perplexed eyes. "What?"

"It's…it's just still too soon," Shuichi sobbed, covering his mouth with a hand. "I can't… I just can't."

Eiri shook his head and locked his eyes on the floor.

_I'm sorry, Eiri,_ Shuichi thought. _I just can't forget. I told you that I never would._

"I'm sorry," Eiri whispered. "I never should've opened my stupid mouth." And he walked off, leaving Shuichi to break down in the airport.

The raven-haired man stared at the blonde's retreating back and ran into the bathroom. Now he'd done it, gone and made Eiri mad at him again. Why did he have to open _his_ stupid mouth? Nothing good ever came out of it. Everything was just sarcasm and harsh words.

Shuichi stumbled into the last stall of the bathroom and locked the door, collapsing on the floor. Sobs racked his body, making it difficult for him to breathe. He squeezed his arms against his chest and rubbed his hands up and down them, trying to warm them up. He wouldn't let himself get cold and numb again, not when he was just finally beginning to feel.

Shuichi rocked back and forth on his heals and tried to keep his tears at bay. But he couldn't. The hot tears spilled from his eyes and left their trails down his face. As hard as he tried Shuichi couldn't stop the sobs from shaking his form and he broke down completely.

Slowly, almost delicately, Shuichi pulled a staple out of his pocket pressed down on the inside of his arm, running it back and forth, back and forth, until he saw his skin begin to turn red. Sighing, he applied some more pressure and watched as the staple plunged into his skin, drawing blood out with it.

He pulled his hand away and closed his eyes, breathing heavily as he rested his head on the wall behind him. The tears had stopped, but the pain inside was still there, just waiting to rear its ugly head again. Sighing in defeat, Shuichi stood up from the floor and wiped the blood away with a piece of toilet paper before leaving the stall.

He paused on his way out of the bathroom, captivated by his reflection on the mirror. His amethyst eyes drew him toward the mirror and he stared at himself, cocking his head slightly to the side. Slowly, he lifted an arm-warmer covered hand to his face and touched it gently. The skin was so soft, so fragile, so…deceitful to what was hiding beneath it. Shuichi snarled and pulled his eyes away, using all of his strength to keep himself from lashing out at his reflection.

With a sigh, he left the bathroom, making sure his arm-warmers were pulled up as he did.

A hand grabbed onto his wrist. Poised for action, Shuichi turned and punched the person in the gut with his free hand. The person gasped and let go of his hand.

"Just who the fuck do you think you are?" Shuichi yelled. "Next time make sure you know who you're dealing with before yo…"

Shuichi blanched. The person lying on the floor wasn't a stranger. Maybe Eiri hadn't left after all.

"Eiri?" he whispered.

The blonde nodded, and Shuichi's eyes widened.

"I'm so sorry!" he gasped, helping the man to his feet. "I didn't know that you were waiting for me! I thought you had left."

Eiri shook his head. "No, my fault. I should've said something before I grabbed you like that."

Shuichi gently touched the place where he'd hit Eiri and sighed. "I'm really sorry!"

Eiri laughed. "I told you, Shu, it's my fault," he said and pulled Shuichi's fingers away. "Come on," he whispered and pulled the man along behind him. "Let's leave this place."

Shuichi nodded and matched his stride with Eiri's, allowing the blonde to lead him outside and to the car that NG had so graciously lent them. The driver had already retrieved the blonde's luggage and, when he saw the two come into view, pulled the door open. Shuichi climbed in first, closely followed by Eiri and the thud of the car's door closing.

"I'm sorry," Eiri whispered a few minutes down the road.

Shuichi started. He had already begun to fall into a daze-like sleep. "For what?" he asked.

"Being a complete and utter dick."

Shuichi laughed out loud, he just couldn't help himself. "Like you're good at being anything else?"

Eiri scowled at him, but it just made Shuichi laugh even harder.

"I'm sorry, Eiri, but I'm telling the truth, aren't I?"

The blonde shook his head and rested it lightly against the window, cold from the frosty fall air in the world beyond it. "No," he muttered, "I guess you're right."

Shuichi frowned and punched the man lightly on the shoulder, but Eiri didn't respond. Shuichi furrowed his brow and moved closer to the man, putting a hand under Eiri's chin.

"Eiri, please look at me." The man wouldn't move. Shuichi used his hand and moved Eiri's chin so that the blonde was facing him. "I was being sarcastic," he said with a small smile. "I didn't mean anything that I said."

Eiri sighed and diverted his eyes from the raven-haired man before him. Shuichi growled and pressed his lips against the older man's. He felt Eiri stiffen against him, but then he relaxed and was soon kissing Shuichi back. When Shuichi felt Eiri's tongue run gently against his bottom lip, he opened his mouth and allowed the blonde entrance. Shuichi buried his hands in silky blonde locks and moaned quietly into the kiss. Shaking fingers found their way into Shuichi's hair and along the base of his neck.

Shuichi pulled away a few seconds later to breathe, smiling up at Eiri.

"_I _never should've opened _my_ stupid mouth," he said, running his knuckles gently against the blonde's cheek. "I was wrong to have said anything."

Eiri smiled and Shuichi settled into his arms, his head lying in the crook of his shoulder.

Almost an hour later, the driver pulled up in front of Eiri's house and stopped. He climbed out of the car and opened the door for the two men. Eiri was awake, but Shuichi was dead asleep. Eiri shook him gently.

Shuichi opened his eyes and focused on Eiri. "Hm?" he muttered, snuggling closer to Eiri's warm body.

Eiri chuckled. "We're home, Shu-kun."

Shuichi blinked and rubbed at his eyes, yawning widely. He followed Eiri out of the car and inside, going straight up to his bedroom as Eiri thanked the driver. He was asleep before his head even hit the pillow.

**-------------**

Ryuichi Sakuma awoke with a start, a cold sweat dripping lazily from his brow. Bright blue eyes wildly searched the bedroom for some sort of intruder, some sort of other reason for awakening than fear of his own dreams. Nothing was there. It was nothing but himself and his nightmares.

With a heavy sigh, Ryuichi wiped the sweat from his brow and rested his head in his hands. What had even been dreaming about? No matter how hard he tried to concentrate and remember the dream, he just couldn't recall it. He was probably scaring it away with all of his concentrating. He shook his head, sweat flying from the brunette locks, and laid back down in his bed. He snuggled underneath the comfortable warmth of his blankets and let his eyes drift closed.

A scream reverberated throughout his head and his eyes snapped open again. _What was going on?_ Why was he suddenly hearing disembodied voices? Sighing, he closed his eyes again and tried to settle down.

"Ryuichi," a voice cooed. "Get up, Ryu."

Ryuichi clenched his eyes and moaned. He knew that voice, he knew it all too well.

"Ryuichi, please."

"Go away," Ryuichi growled. "You're dead."

Silence fell and Ryuichi sighed letting his eyes relax. He opened his blue orbs slightly and gazed about the room. Still, nothing was there. With a few incoherent mumbles, he collapsed and closed his eyes again.

"Ryuichi," the voice echoed.

"Leave. Me. Alone," Ryuichi all but yelled. "Why won't you leave me alone?" he screamed and his eyes snapped open, his entire body shooting into the seated position.

It was so hard for him to breathe. It felt like his lungs were going to explode. Sweat poured down his face in rivers, drowning his entire body in its salty flood. He began to shake uncontrollably, his form convulsing without command.

Climbing out of his bed on shaking legs, Ryuichi held on to anything that he could as he made his way to the telephone. He had to call Touma. He had to call Noriko. He had to call…someone.

Ryuichi picked up the phone's receiver and quickly pressed the second number on speed dial. The other person answered on the third ring.

"N-Noriko?" he muttered, tears welling up in his eyes.

"Ryuichi!" she exclaimed. "Are you okay?"

Ryuichi sighed. Finally allowing the tears to overcome him, he sobbed into the receiver. "H-he won't leave me a-alone. He's in my d-dreams. I see him when I walk down the s-street. Make him go awa-wa-way!"

Through his tears he could just pick out the sound of Noriko sighing into her receiver. "Are you home?"

Ryuichi nodded then remembered that she couldn't see him. "Y-yeah. I'm at home."

"Stay right where you are, Ryu!" she said. "I'll be there in a minute." Then she hung up, leaving Ryuichi with nothing but an annoying beeping and a hollow voice for company.

Ryuichi gazed around his bedroom one more time, making sure that he had really been alone. And, sure enough, he was completely and utterly alone.

Why was he hearing Tatsuha's voice all of a sudden? It had been two years since the accident, and he'd been to countless numbers of therapy sessions to get better so why now?

Ryuichi closed his eyes and made his way out to his living room, plopping down onto the couch. He rested his head against the armrest and stared at the small spider web-like designs the plaster made on his ceiling. If he stared for long enough, he could make out a face. There! He reached out and traced the small form with his finger. There was the nose, the mouth, the eyes, the hair. Tears flooded his eyes again and Ryuichi looked away, focusing his eyes on the plain navy blue of his front door instead.

A few minutes later the loud noise of someone banging on his front door pulled Ryuichi out of his thoughts and he shot up on the couch. Groaning, he rubbed a hand over his face and through his hair as he walked over and threw the door open. Noriko was standing there, her lavender hair disheveled and out of its normal spiral pigtails. She was breathing heavily, which made Ryuichi guess that she'd run all the way there.

The two stared at each other in silence for the longest two seconds of Ryuichi's life before Noriko launched herself at him and wrapped him up in her arms.

"I'm so sorry, Ryu," she whispered into his ear. "I'm sorry about everything that's happened."

Trying as hard as he might, Ryuichi couldn't keep the heavy trails of tears from falling down his face. Before he knew it he broke down in sobs again and had to be led to his couch by Noriko. His lavender-haired band mate whispered consoling words in his ear, all the while running her fingers through his hair to calm him. And it worked.

Ryuichi pulled away from Noriko and stared at the wall beyond her shoulder, too ashamed to look her in the eye. He heard Noriko sigh and watched as she brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear with pale fingers before she rested her hand on his cheek and forced him too look at her. Still, he kept his eyes diverted on anything but her face.

"Ryuichi," she whispered. "Please talk to me. I want to know what you're thinking."

He shook his head. "What good will it do, Noriko? All you'll learn is that I'm still too weak to forget about someone that died two years ago."

She sighed. "Ryu. No one can forget someone that has died. None of us will ever be able to forget Tatsuha-kun, okay? You just need to find the means to move on. You need to _want_ to move on." She smiled sheepishly. "It'll all come in time, trust me."

Ryuichi closed his eyes and dropped his chin to his chest. He knew the words that she spoke were true, but he couldn't bring himself to "want" to move on like she asked. He had been in love with Tatsuha, dammit! He couldn't just forget him like that. It would've made their love seem in vain! He clenched his eyes closed, stemming the flow of tears that threatened to fall for what seemed to be the millionth time that night.

"Ryuichi?" Noriko said. He shook his head and she sighed again.

Ryuichi felt himself moved down into the lying position and he opened his eyes slightly to see Noriko's face looming above him, his head lying on her lap. Something warm and wet splashed across his face and he was surprised to see that Noriko was crying.

"N-Noriko," he stuttered and reached out, gently catching her tears with his thumb.

She shook her head, crystalline tears flying off her face.

"Noriko, please don't cry. Not for me. Never for me."

Before he knew what was happening, Ryuichi found his lips taken up in a short kiss. When Noriko pulled away he stared back at her with puzzled eyes, lightly touching his fingers to his lips. In a blur, Ryuichi sat up and pulled Noriko into his arms, passionately returning the kiss.

When they pulled apart, both had tears streaming down their faces and lost looks in their eyes. A spontaneous new chapter had opened up in their lives, and all just in less than a minute's time. Ryuichi shrugged and tackled the lavender-haired woman in another chaste kiss.

The two lay down together on the couch, forgetting about everything in the outside world if just for one night.

**-------------**

Tensions were running high at NG. Its biggest bands were rushing to complete song writing and/or albums. Managers were on their breaking points, some waving guns and others downing heart medication as if it were candy, and producers tried their hardest to make sure that everything went as planned.

Bad Luck was in the middle of writing songs for newest, and highly acclaimed, album. Although they were still stuck in their angsty emo skins, some of their songs were happier. A surprising new member had been added to their band, bringing its members up to five. For some odd reason, Touma had decided that the band needed a bass guitarist. Everyone agreed, excluding, of course, Shuichi. But her soon found that he didn't regret Touma's decision.

"Come on guys!" Shuichi shouted, plopping down into the soft couch just inside their studio's door. "What're we gonna do today?"

The other four members trekked into the room, followed closely by K and Sakano. They each sunk down into their seats and sighed heavily.

Hiro stretched and yawned. "You're the one that wanted us to come in today," he said. "What do _you_ want to do?"

Shuichi frowned slightly and scratched the back of his head. "Hm…," he muttered. "I wanted to work on lyrics and maybe we could start coming up with some arrangements."

Ben nodded. "Sounds good. It'll be interesting to see how we add the bass into our music."

Everyone turned their eyes to the shy girl in the corner, small smiles gracing their lips. The girl blushed and dropped her head, her bangs hiding her eyes.

"Aiko," Shuichi chuckled, "you don't have to be embarrassed. It's your first album, have fun with it!"

The girl nodded and Shuichi gazed upon her with pride. Aiko had become like a younger sister to him. She'd gotten so much better over the past two years. She went from cutting every day to only doing it maybe once or twice a month. With help and love from her two "brothers" she'd changed into a much happier person; her eyes shined with life once again and she found joy in some of the smallest things.

And she'd changed as much on the outside as she had on the inside. Her hair had gone from a coppery red color to a deep burgundy, and a healthy twinge of color showed in her porcelain skin. From always being around Shuichi, her style had changed as well. Black wasn't an uncommon color to see her in anymore, and she let music fill her soul.

To everyone's surprise, she'd taught herself first how to play the piano to perfection and then the bass guitar. When Touma learned of her new-found talent, he immediately wanted her to join Bad Luck, and Shuichi immediately refused. It hadn't been because it was Aiko, it had been because he didn't want her to be subjected to the pressures of being famous. It had taken him three years to get used to it. Who knew how long it would take her?

"Sorry, Shu-chan," she said. "I'm not embarrassed, I'm just nervous. You all have done this a million times before, but I'm new. This is my very first time in a recording studio." She sighed. "I don't want to mess it up for you."

Hiro chuckled and patted her on the back. "We may have done this a few times before but we still make _plenty_ of mistakes. Trust me."

The rest of the band nodded in agreement.

"I think plenty is an understatement," K groaned, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, but at least we have fun while were doing it. That's all that matters," Suguru said.

Oh, yes. Suguru had changed as well. He allowed himself to loosen up and actually have fun while working. It took him quite a while to understand that life didn't have to be all work and no play, but, with constant coaxing from Ben and Shuichi, he broke out of his uptight little shell and revealed a side that no one had ever seen before. Outgoing, loud,…fun.

Sakano ran a hand over his face and through his hair, sighing almost silently. "Do you have any lyrics written yet, Shindou-san?'

Shuichi nodded. "Yes, quite a few actually. Do you want to see them?"

Everyone in the room perked up and nodded. "Of course we do!"

Shuichi smiled and pulled a small notebook from his pocket. He flipped open to the first page and passed it to his left.

"I don't have a title for most of them, yet, but I guess it doesn't matter. We don't have to worry about that until we've recorded them, right?"

Everyone who was at least halfway listening nodded slightly and patiently awaited their turn to view Shuichi's newest lyrics. There were actually quite a few additions to the notebook, some of them depressing and others moderately happy.

When everyone finished their reading, the notebook was tossed onto the coffee table and they all nodded.

"Not bad, Shuichi," K said. "I actually wasn't expecting so many, but I guess you've had time to write these past two years."

Shuichi nodded. "Yeah, but I just started writing again last month. It didn't take long for me to get those four or five."

Ben stretched and winced as his back popped a few times. "I'm coming up with ideas for music already," he said and walked over to his drums. "Shall we?"

Hiro and Aiko nodded and picked up their guitars and Suguru made his way to his keyboard. Shuichi, on the other hand, reclined back into the couch more and kicked his feet up on the table. Hiro looked at him in confusion.

"Aren't you gonna play, man?" he asked.

Shuichi shook his head. "Nah. I think we're good the way we are. I was originally only supposed to concentrate on writing and singing the lyrics, remember?" he asked, smirking at Hiro's smile.

Hiro nodded. "Yeah, but that was, what, almost seven years ago?"

Shuichi blanched. "Seven years," he gasped and shook his head. "I can't believe that it's been that long already."

Ben chuckled and pounded on the drums a bit. "Only five for me!" he said. "Ha, ha, you guys are old."

Suguru shook his head. "You're just as old as the rest of us are," he said.

Ben pouted. "Aw, how come you always gotta ruin my fun, Suguru?"

The green-haired man laughed. "I was just stating the truth, Ben. Hell, Aiko's the youngest one of us all, so ha!"

Aiko blushed slightly and nodded her head. "I'm only nineteen."

"Alright, alright, stop your fighting!" K yelled, a vein throbbing in his forehead as he forced himself to keep away from his gun. "We'll never get anything done if you keep arguing."

"Oookay, then," Ben muttered. "I've got an small idea for the drums in the one that goes 'it's hard to say that it was wrong, it's hard to say I miss you'. I don't picture it being a fast song. Am I right, Shuichi?"

Shuichi nodded and listened as Ben started a beat on his drums, Hiro kicking in with something on the guitar a few minutes later. Shuichi bobbed his head along with the beat, slowly beginning to sing the words to the beat that they made.

"That sounds awesome guys," he said. "But, in the beginning I think that Suguru should play something church organ-like and play it throughout the song, and Aiko, I think it would sound great if you added some bass like this." He tapped a beat with his fingers on the coffee table and Aiko strummed it by ear on her guitar. Shuichi nodded. "Perfect."

"Let's try Shuichi's additions," Hiro said and the rest nodded.

Suguru set the settings on his synthesizer and began to play a slow and kind of mournful tune, church organs like Shuichi had suggested. Ben tapped his foot to twelve counts and then began to play the drums, Aiko immediately joining. Hiro added something here and there, but waiting until Shuichi sang the second chorus until he really kicked in and added his part. When they finished, K and Sakano nodded in approval but the five band mates felt that it still needed tweaking and spent the rest of the day fixing and adding what they thought was needed.

It was eleven o'clock before they all decided to wrap it up, Sakano and K had left a while before, and they all clapped quietly for their work.

"It sounds good," Suguru said.

Shuichi nodded. "Yeah, but I think that it still needs some work before it's perfect. Don't you agree?"

Everyone nodded.

"I told you that it wouldn't be bad, Aiko-chan!" Shuichi said with a smile. "Yeah, it takes some getting used to but as long as you have fun and enjoy what you're doing, it won't be. Making sweet ass music is our specialty, but that doesn't mean that we can't have fun doing it."

Aiko nodded. "I had fun. It was a lot different than I thought that it would be. I thought that we'd sit and argue about what to do where and who should do what, but you all tried each other's suggestions and sometimes added on or took away some of them. It's interesting and I'm looking forward to it."

"Good," Ben said and stood up from his stool, taking a seat in the comfortable chair next to Shuichi.

"Man, it feels great to be back in the studio," Shuichi said and gave the couch a hug. "My how I've missed you so!"

Hiro snorted and put his guitar back on its stand. "Once a moron, always a moron, I guess," he muttered resulting in a dirty look from Shuichi.

"I'm not a moron! I'm just…special," he said with a small, innocent smile.

"At least you're happy," Hiro said. "It's surprising just how much Eiri affects your mood."

Shuichi blushed slightly and began to laugh. "Yeah, well, you know," he said and then snapped out of it. "Hey! Have you noticed how tense things have been between Ryu, Touma, and Noriko lately?"

Ben nodded. "Yeah, how many times did we hear arguing today?"

Aiko counted on her fingers. "Hm…I think about five or six times. I wonder what's bugging them."

Shuichi shrugged. "I dunno. I'm gonna be seeing Ryuichi again soon so I'll try to fit it in then."

A loud yawn filled the studio and everyone looked at Ben, who had a small smile on his face.

"Sorry guys, but I'm spent," he said and stood up from his seat. "Same time tomorrow."

Shuichi paused for a minute and bit his lip, then nodded. "Of course! And…I won't be late."

Hiro, Suguru, and Ben burst out in laughter.

"Yeah, right. I'll believe that only once I see it," Suguru chuckled.

The band packed up all of their things and headed out for their cars. Since Aiko had taken a permanent residence at Eiri's home with Shuichi, she rode with Shuichi to and from work or wherever they had to go together, even though she had her own car. It saved a hell of a lot on gas, not that they didn't have the money to pay for it.

The black sports car made its way onto the busy city highway and then into the beautiful deep country.

When Shuichi pulled up in front of the large home, he smiled when he saw that the living room light was still on. Either Eiri was still awake or he was gracious enough to leave a light on for them to see.

The two climbed out of the car and made their ways inside, yawning and rubbing at their eyes in attempts to stay awake. They pushed their ways through the front door, Aiko immediately going upstairs to her bedroom while Shuichi went to check the living room for the blonde. He smiled when he saw him sleeping peacefully on the couch. He dropped down onto his knees beside Eiri and ran a hand gently through his blonde locks. Eiri moaned quietly and roused from his sleep, a tired smile on his face.

"Hey, sleepyhead," Shuichi whispered.

Eiri chuckled and sat up, Shuichi immediately straddling his lap. He locked his lips passionately over the blonde's and kissed him fiercely, hungry after an entire day of work at the studio. When he pulled away, Eiri was staring at him with wide eyes.

"I'm awake now," the blonde joked.

Shuichi smirked and ran up to his bedroom, quickly changing into his pajamas before burying himself beneath the blankets of his bed.

TBC…

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A/N: _laughs manically_ Twists and turns! YaY! This was fun. I like adding in reasons for me to keep writing, like an unexpected relationship starting. WHOO-HOO! What do you all think about me now? Actually, I really don't care because it's my story and I control what happens! _laughs manically_…

Yeah…anyway…Once again, I'm very sorry that this took so long to get out. My AP Chemistry class sucks ass! I had to quit my job because I was failing it and I've been spending most of my free time behind a chemistry book instead of in front of a computer screen. I do, however, have the next two days of school off for fall break (YaY!). I dunno if I'll work on this, though. I need to put out another chapter for my original story on and I have a Full Metal Alchemist story a-brewin' in my mind and need to start it before I lose it…

Thank ya, thank ya to:

**GravityNeko:** If angst is the genre, just call me. It's my specialty!…  
**LoveLandKiss:** Sorry, sorry, sorry! I'm soo sorry that it took me so long to update. I hope that you didn't forget anything…  
**GoTrinba:** Yeah, the roof scene was my favorite part to write of chapter twenty. I don't think I'll ever like another as much as I loved that one. And sorry about not writing much with Touma. He's not one of my more favorite characters so I don't use him unless it's necessary…  
**karmarox:** Sorry…I couldn't go on unless I killed Tatsuha. Just be happy because I originally planned to kill Ryuichi. I hope you enjoyed this chapter…  
**The Amazing Tsu-chan: **I hope this chapter didn't come to late and that your friend didn't get angry and kill you or something! If they didn't and you're still alive…here's the next chapter. Send it to them fast before it's too late!…  
**Sammy-chan:** Yup, yup…Tat-chan was hit by a car. Stupid cars! I hope ya like this…  
**i love athrun: **HERE'S A NEW CHAPTER!…  
**Syaoran is kawaii: **I hope that your non-existent nails aren't even more non-existent! Sorry for the wait…  
**DaisukeAizawa: **Man…if you're reaction was that good for chapter 20, too bad I couldn't see the one for this one! I hope that this lives up to your expectations…  
**animegirl12182: **Sorry it took me so long to get this out and I'm very sorry that I have updated "Unbeating Heartache" in A LONG time too. I've got so many different stories going on! UGH! Guess I really need to work on it, though… I'll talk to you soon…  
**whitejakle: **I'm sorry that you hate me, but I'm glad that it's not in a bad way. I hope this chapter was happier for you and that you didn't cry at all during this one. But don't feel sad for Ryu because he's doing fine now…_laughs evilly_… Just fine…  
**Guren: **I still dunno if anyone else is gonna try to die or will die in the future. If it happens it happens. The ideas don't tell me when they come, they just magically appear. _POOF! _ He, he. Like I've told everyone, I'm sorry that this took so long to write but I hope that it doesn't take any of the goodness (is that even a word?) away from it…  
**Person-sama: **I'm sorry that I killed off Tatsuha but I couldn't keep it from happening. It was either him or Ryuichi…  
**Sour Skittlez: **Man…your reviews are always so crazy, but I love 'em! Ryuichi is still truckin' and hopefully won't try anything stupid in the near future…  
**suckers love: **Man…I left you speechless. YaY! He, heh. I hope you enjoyed this chapter…  
**animephreak80:** It depends on who you ask your question to for the answers that you get. I'd have to say yes because I have four friends who are cutters/have dealt with self-injury and I am a self-injurer myself. I am blessed to be surrounded by people who understand because there are so many people in the world out there who don't understand and would shun me. I love them so much…  
**PsychicAlchemist: **I'm sorry that my story isn't going the way that you wanted it too, but it's my story and I do what I want to it. This is the only place where I refuse to let people force me to do things their way and I mean to keep it that way…  
**Hiyruu Antalus Azuretiem: **Rocking hardcore? That has a nice ring to it…I like it!…  
**LadyRave: **I'm sorry that the last chapter was so sad but I had to write it. I hope that this chapter was happier for you, though. But you don't have to worry about me…I don't want to burden you… I hope you enjoyed this chapter…  
**Annie loves it: **Well…I guess that I didn't take _that_ long to update since you didn't hunt me down and force me update. Although, certain other people have (they know who they are). I hope you liked this chapter…  
**Takki: **I'm glad that you like this so much. Sorry it's taken me forever to update…  
**Ashcat: **Self-confidence before reading your review…about a 2. Self-confidence after reading your review…probably about an 8 or 9. Thank you so much for reviewing! I love reviewers like you! And yes, Tatsuha was killed in an accident. It wasn't a suicide. He was chasing after Ryuichi and didn't see the car coming and…you get the rest. I hope you like this chapter and I look forward to your review…  
**trina: **Here's chapter 21! I hope it didn't take too long. Good stories…hm…if you like Full Metal Alchemist there's a good one by Freanch-fri-freak called "Take it all away". It's so awesome!…  
**xo-silent-whispers-ox:** Alas…the continuation! Heh, heh. And I might write a separate story with what Tatsuha was thinking before the accident because I think it's too late to add it into "ILaH" now. I'll try to do that for you…  
**Ku-chan: **GLOMPS! I'm sorry, Ku-chan. I couldn't help killing, Tat-chan! And I'm glad that you liked the way that I used your song, but you are worthy! And are you okay? I have heard from you in forever and you haven't updated your journal. I'M SOO WORRIED! I hope you're doing okay! Love ya…  
**DBZ luver2: **I'm glad that you liked chapter 20 so much and I hope you liked chapter 21 just as much!…

**Trav-chan: **I know that's not your penname but I don't care! GOOBER! Ha, ha! What're ya gonna do now, huh? You don't look so big and bad when you can't retaliate! Mwhahahahaha! Man…I need to quit trying my evil laughs. Heh, heh. I'm sorry that I've started an addiction for you…NOT! No, I really am. I didn't mean for it to happen. I hope you liked this chapter as much as the rest… I'll talk to you later…

OH! And thank you, thank you, thank you to: **XxDeathByAnimexX, kuriqa, animegirl12182, slytherinsess, Shizuma the Black Magician Alchemist, GravityNeko, **and **Trav-chan** for reviewing "Thank You", my FMA fan fic… I'm glad that you all at least enjoyed it…

Well…I think that's about it. If I missed anyone, I'm very, very sorry! I got so many reviews that it was hard for me to keep track. Anyway…I read and edited this before I posted it so I hope that there aren't too many typos. My eyes have a tendency to cross whenever I read over something on my computer, so I apologize for any misspellings or bad grammar. Once again, I hope you all liked it!…

See ya'll soon in…some story of mine or another… Ja!…


	22. Light with a Sharpened Edge

As I've said the past few chapters…I'M SO VERY SORRY! Man, that's starting to sound like a chapterly mantra, isn't it? I hate making you guys wait so long but sometimes I can't help it. It's not like it's my fault though. Blame Mr. Shauver, my chemistry teacher. It's his fault! Oh, and blame DDR too 'cause that's my new addiction and kept my attention better than the computer did… Before Jason had to take the Xbox away, that is…_sighs_… Oh, DDR. How I miss you so… He, he… Pitiful, huh?…

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are preparing for an even better holiday season…

Hey! What am I doing? (Sorry…Hiro moment…) On with it!…

**Disclaimer:** You know this already… It's on my Christmas list…_sarcasm_…but I deeply doubt that I'll get it… And, of course, "Light with a Sharpened Edge" belongs to The Used…

**Light with a Sharpened Edge…**

Touma sighed heavily and ran a gloved hand through his golden hair, tugging at it gently. He couldn't deny the fact that he was getting older and that age was catching up with him. Although he was only reaching the edge of thirty-seven, it wasn't unusual to find him snoozing behind his desk whenever he wasn't working with the band or at home with his two children and Mika.

A small smile tugged at the blonde's lips as he thought about his children; a beautiful little one-year-old boy and an adorable four-year-old girl, just waiting for him to come home so he could smother them in hugs and love. But they did the same for him. If he and Mika's relationship had begun to strengthen before the children, it was definitely set in stone now. They were at each other's sides for eternity and he knew that he wouldn't have it any other way. It was a pity that it had taken them so long to learn to love each other for the right reasons, but it came and that was all that mattered.

A quiet knock on his door pulled Touma out of his happy thoughts and he propped an elbow on his desk, resting his head in it.

"Come in," he muttered.

The door slowly moved open and Ryuichi made his way into the office, closing the door silently behind him. The brunette smiled slightly at the blonde and took a seat across from him, crossing his legs Indian-style up in the chair like he always did.

"Hi, Touma," he muttered.

Touma nodded slightly and kept his green eyes locked on the man before him. He would be lying if he said that things between the three members of Nittle Grasper had been peachy for the past few weeks. Actually, they had been anything but. Tensions were strained and it had taken all that they had to not bash each others' faces in.

Ryuichi sighed and dropped his eyes down to his crossed legs, rubbing the hem of his shirt between his thumb and pointer finger. Touma couldn't help but smile slightly. Same man, same nervous habits.

"I'm guessing you came to talk, Ryu, not just sit in a quasi-awkward silence," he chuckled.

The brunette looked up at him, his eyes smiling slightly but his mouth still formed in a small frown, but he didn't bother to make his fingers stop playing. His eyebrows were wrinkled and to say that he looked confused was an understatement. He looked completely lost.

Touma smiled at him and cocked his head to the side, a signal to go on but that he'd wait for eternity if Ryuichi needed it as well. There were too many sides to count in their relationship together. They'd just been through so much for them to just let everything end.

"I…I dunno what to do," Ryuichi finally said, propping his elbows up on his knees and burying his face in his hands. "Everything's just gotten so…messed up."

Touma chuckled quietly. "You're underestimating the situation, Ryuichi."

The brunette picked his head up from his hands for enough time to scowl at the blonde before hiding his face and eyes again.

"Don't mess with me, Touma. I know that we both like to play games but I'm trying to be serious here."

Touma nodded and furrowed his brow. That was a fair hint that Ryuichi was agitated, confused, lost, and…too many other feelings to even name. The blonde sighed and slowly stood up from his chair to take a seat in the leather armchair next to Ryuichi.

"Ryu," he whispered, "I know that everything has…it's just moved so fast and things have happened that shouldn't have happened. But you can't keep thinking about it. You were both stressed and looking for someone or something to care and, at that certain point in time, it just happened that it was Noriko for you and you for Noriko."

Ryuichi didn't look up but he stiffened and turned his head toward Touma. There was nothing more that the blonde could ask for.

"You know that I'm here for you no matter what happens, right?" he whispered.

Ryuichi nodded, but didn't sniff. This didn't surprise Touma, though. He had begun to act more and more like his true self since Tatsuha's death, and it finally let others have a chance to see the man behind the mask. Now they knew that Ryuichi wasn't all just bright smiles and crystalline tears. He was a strong person who had been through things that no one should have had to live through, but he did. And that was what made him so strong.

Touma sighed quietly. "I know how you feel, Ryuichi. Really, I do. But you need to move ahead, okay?"

Ryuichi nodded again but kept his eyes locked on his knees. Touma closed his eyes and ran a hand back through his hair.

"What are you going to do?"

Ryuichi sighed and finally looked up at the blonde, dry trails of tears on his face. "Once the album is released I want to return to America." When Touma opened his mouth to argue, Ryuichi cut him off.

"Not for forever," he insisted, "but long enough for me to get things sorted out. I never got over losing Tatsuha and I need to figure out how to deal with this. I'm not in love with Noriko. Hell, she's a sister to me. But I just…I just need to work things out."

Touma nodded and slouched back in his chair, his green eyes locked on the sapphire of Ryuichi's.  
"And you're sure about this?" Ryuichi nodded and Touma sighed. "Alright."

"Thank you, Touma."

Touma shook his head. "Even though I disagree, I can't stop you from going. I'd be lying to myself if I said that you weren't in dire need of a vacation, anyway. I'm just afraid of what's going to happen when you go away again."

Ryuichi closed his eyes. "Don't worry, Touma, I'm-"

"You're not fine, Ryu. You're anything but _fine_!" he growled, not raising his voice but putting enough force in it to make Ryuichi look at him. "I don't want to be afraid of losing you again."

Ryuichi's lips curved in a half-smile. "You're my brother, Touma, don't worry. I'll be fine, I promise."

Touma shook his head. "I still don't believe you."

Ryuichi sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Please don't worry, Touma. Not for me. You have enough stress on your plate with Mika and the kids. You don't need to add me to it."

Touma smiled slightly. "You were on my plate before Mika and I even started dating. Like it or not, I'm going to worry about you, Ryuichi."

Ryuichi nodded and stood up from his chair. "I need to go," he said. "You're probably busy and I should go finish my errands."

Touma nodded and watched silently as Ryuichi walked out of his office and closed the door behind him. When the latch clicked, Touma slumped down into his chair and rested his head back against the headrest. What he'd said to Ryuichi was true. He wasn't just afraid of what would happen when the brunette returned to America, he was terrified. Just knowing that he couldn't be there to help his friend—his brother—whenever he needed help was enough to make him sick. All he could do was pray that Ryuichi would give him a call whenever things started to get hectic.

With a heavy sigh, Touma opened his eyes and set them upon the stack of paperwork awaiting his signature on the corner of his desk. He groaned and stood up from one seat and took a seat in the swivel chair behind his desk and picked up a pen, starting the arduous daily task of signing his life away.

**-------------**

Shuichi was dashing around the house, cleaning, reorganizing, and whatnot, and quietly humming the newest songs that Bad Luck had recorded in the studio. So, when he ran into the living room and started bustling around, Eiri didn't ignore him but concentrated on the newspaper that he currently had opened in his lap. But soon it got quiet, and quiet wasn't good—wasn't normal. The blonde peeked around the edge of the newspaper and saw the now lime-green, yellow, and raven-haired man standing in the window, his eyes locked on whatever had captured his interest.

Eiri furrowed his brow and folded up the newspaper, taking a sip of his coffee from the mug beside him. "You okay, Shu?" he muttered.

Shuichi nodded but didn't look at the blonde. He kept his gaze out the window instead.

Eiri frowned. "Are you sure?"

Shuichi shook his head and ran out of the living room. With wide eyes, Eiri stood up and began to run out of the room, but Shuichi stopped him in the entryway, his eyes closed and fists held out in front of him.

"Shu…ichi?" Eiri asked, a little weirded out by the man's actions.

"Take them," Shuichi said.

"What?"

"Take them!" he insisted.

"Okay," Eiri said and grabbed onto Shuichi's fists.

The raven-haired man cracked open an eye. "Not those, stupid! What's in them!"

A small smile formed on Eiri's lips and he moved his hands so that they lay open beneath Shuichi's clenched fists.

"Open," he said and caught the items that fell from Shuichi's hands.

Eiri drew his hands to his face and stared at the objects, giving Shuichi a glance when he realized what they were.

"Why are you giving these to me?" he asked.

"Don't you want them?" Shuichi asked, cocking his head slightly to the side and looking all too innocent.

Eiri nodded. "Of course I do, but why are you suddenly throwing your blades at me as if they were candy?"

Shuichi chuckled at that and shrugged. "I don't want to do it anymore."

"What?"

Shuichi sighed heavily, rolling his eyes. "I said that I don't want to do it anymore. I've gone almost a month without it and I really don't want to start again."

The declaration filled Eiri's heart with an innumerable amount of joy and his face lit up with a smile.

"You're lying, aren't you?"

Shuichi's jaw dropped. "I walk in here, hand my blades to you on a silver platter, tell you that I don't want to hurt myself anymore, and you think that I'm lying to you?" He snorted and rolled his eyes again. "You're horrible."

Before he could stop himself, Eiri had his arms wrapped around Shuichi and he held the man in a tight embrace. He knew that he was crying, but he really didn't care. These weren't tears of sadness or despair. They were tears of a tremendous amount of happiness and relief that the blonde had been waiting for months to feel. A pair of arms soon found their way around his neck and Eiri buried his face in Shuichi's wildly highlighted hair.

"You're crying, aren't you?" Shuichi muttered against his chest.

Eiri nodded and pulled away, not wanting to but he needed to look the man in the eye.

"You have no idea how happy I am," he said, wiping at his tears with a thumb. "If it feels this good to just hear you say that you don't want to cut anymore, I can't even imagine how it must feel for you."

Shuichi smiled and wiped away some of Eiri's tears. "It feels amazing," he whispered and placed a light kiss on Eiri's lips.

The blonde smiled and pulled Shuichi back for another one once he pulled away, not failing to notice how he seemed to go slack in his arms.

"I love you, Shuichi," he whispered when they pulled apart. "I really do."

The corners of Shuichi's lips curved up in a small smile and he buried his head in Eiri's chest. The blonde sighed and wrapped his arms around the man. He wanted, no _needed_ Shuichi to tell him that he loved him too, but he knew that he would have to be patient and wait. There was no denying the fact that he'd done some horrible things to the man in the past and he knew that Shuichi would need some time before he was able to say what he needed to hear.

Once again, a pair of arms snaked their way around Eiri, this time around his waist, and clung to him, pulling him closer. Eiri sighed and dropped his head so that his cheek was lying against the top of Shuichi's head.

"I'm sorry," Shuichi muttered after a while of comfortable silence.

"For what?" Eiri asked, nuzzling his face into Shuichi's raven locks.

"For…for not being able to say it," he whispered.

Eiri chuckled and toyed with Shuichi's hair. "There's no need for you to be sorry, Shu," he said. "I understand."

Shuichi shook his head and pressed himself closer to the blonde but didn't say anything else. Eiri closed his eyes and buried his face in Shuichi's hair, inhaling the exotic scents of rainy days and juniper with a twinge of hair dye.

A scream and several thuds rang out behind the two men and they both snapped around. Aiko was curled up on the floor at the bottom of the stairs, her head cradled in her hands. Shuichi immediately ran to her side.

"Are you okay, Aiko!" he shouted, rolling the girl onto her back so he could look into her eyes.

Eiri walked up behind him and grinned at the slightly embarrassed smile on her face. She nodded.

"Yeah, I'm fine, Shuichi. I was just trying to be quiet and not ruin the moment," she said.

Shuichi blushed fiercely but busted out in laughter, his entire body shaking. Aiko scowled at him from her position on the floor.

"It's not funny, Shuichi!" she pouted. "Now my ass hurts."

This only caused Shuichi's laughter to become even worse and Eiri had to help the burgundy-haired girl up from the floor.

"Thanks," she muttered, rubbing her backside.

Eiri chuckled. "No problem. Shuichi seems to be rather disabled at the moment."

"Yeah, no kidding," the woman spat, whopping Shuichi across the head with a hand. "And you call yourself my friend? Yeah, right."

"Aiko!" Shuichi pouted, his lips forming that all too irresistible pout that Eiri had fallen victim to numerous times in the past. "I didn't mean it."

The girl rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right."

Shuichi stomped his foot. "You can't tell me that you wouldn't laugh at me if I fell down the stairs."

Aiko furrowed her brow and was quiet for a moment. "Well…maybe if you were okay."

"And you're perfectly fine," Shuichi said, holding out his hands as if to say _Voila_.

Aiko snickered. "It was pretty funny, though, wasn't it?"

Shuichi's eyes widened for a moment and then he fell into another bout of laughter, soon to be followed by Aiko. Eiri watched with wide eyes as the two before him doubled over in laughter and tried to suck down air, laughing even harder when they found that they weren't quite able to do so. He shook his head.

"You two are scaring me."

They both turned to him now.

"You know it's funny," they said together.

Eiri smiled a half-smile and shook his head. "Not really. You could've gotten hurt, Aiko."

The girl shrugged. "You should know that I laugh whenever I get hurt doing something stupid by now, Eiri."

The blonde broke out into a full smile and shook his head again. The girl spoke the truth. He couldn't quite forget the time when she and Shuichi had been chasing each other around the house. Once her feet had hit the hardwood of his kitchen floor, they shot out from underneath her and she fell to the ground, crashing into the trash can. And she'd been wearing slippers. He also couldn't forget the time that she'd been showing off to Amarante, Touma and Mika's young daughter, by jumping hurdles over the fence that kept the four-year-old from wandering the rest of the house unattended. When she'd tried to hurdle the fence, her foot clipped the top of it and she went toppling to the ground, the fence, which had folded up perfectly, crashing down with her. Amarante had laughed and laughed at that, and the laughter of a four-year-old girl is hard to ignore.

"Ah, memories, right?" Aiko chuckled, punching Eiri lightly on the arm.

Eiri nodded. "Yeah," he said. "But where were you going?"

Aiko diverted her eyes to the floor and a pretty blush crept up her face. "No where."

The blonde chuckled. "I should know that you're a pretty horrible liar by now, as well, Aiko."

The girl scowled at him, but crossed her arms over her chest indignantly. "For your information, I have a date," she said.

Shuichi grinned. "Really? With who?"

Aiko blushed again. "Um…a guy."

Shuichi looked at the girl as if she were stupid. "No shit, Sherlock. _Who?_"

The burgundy-haired girl shrugged. "Just a person," she said and grabbed her jacket from the rack by the door. "I'll be home by two at the latest, okay?" When she turned to leave she ran right into Shuichi. She sputtered in confusion for a few moments and then glared at Shuichi. "Move!"

Shuichi shook his head. "Nope. Not until you tell me who _he_ is."

Aiko growled and rolled her eyes. "If you don't let me go, I'll never get another chance with _him_ again."

"All I want to know is a name!" Shuichi said, holding his own in the doorway when Aiko tried to shove him out of the way.

When she realized that there was no way that she was going to move the raven-haired man, Aiko gave up and tried to stare him down. When that didn't work either she growled and stomped her foot.

"Fine!" she spat. "His name is Remi. Now can I _please_ go now?"

Shuichi smiled and stepped out of the way. "Now was that so hard?"

The only response he got before Aiko stormed out the door was a dirty look. The raven-haired man burst out into laughter and watched her leave.

"She hates me," he muttered from behind teeth clenched in a forced smile as he waved the girl out of the driveway.

"I would too if you did that to me," Eiri laughed. "It makes for a nice spectator sport, though."

Shuichi scowled at him and punched him on the chest. "Bastard!" he growled and stomped upstairs.

"Hey!" Eiri yelled. "At least I told you the truth!"

The last response that he got from Shuichi before he disappeared around the corner was an obscene gesture of two middle fingers stuck up behind his head.

"Women," he laughed and walked back into the living room.

Slightly shaking his head, Eiri returned to his armchair and the newspaper who had patiently awaited his return.

**-------------**

Hiro smiled softly to himself as he sat on the couch in Bad Luck's studio, watching Shuichi belt out the lyrics to another new song. The words flowed from Shuichi's mouth as if they were cherry petals drifting down a stream and as rich and thick as creamy frosting. They came out perfect, as everything Shuichi did was.

"This is rather good," the green-haired man beside him whispered.

Hiro nodded and smiled at Suguru. "Understatement," he whispered.

Suguru chuckled and turned his eyes back onto the raven-haired man singing behind the glass. Ben and Aiko also had their eyes locked on Shuichi, staring off into space as they listened to the music that poured out the speakers. K was currently taking an urgent phone call in the booth down the hallway.

"_Is there another side behind the black and white? A place I could meet you by? A place on the other side? I'll let you know when I go. I'll let you know when I go. When I'm gone!…_"

Hiro closed his eyes to concentrate on the way that the words melted into the back music of drums, guitars, and synthesizer. Ever since Shuichi had broken the news to them that he was going to quit cutting, the raven-haired man had poured his heart and soul into every word. Not as if he hadn't done it before. It just seemed that every word took on a new meaning when he sang now, even their old songs.

Shuichi wrapped the song up with a long drawn out _"So who am I now?"_ and smiled brightly at the faces behind the barrier that separated them. Suguru got up and stopped the music and the recording.

"How was it?" he asked.

The four of them nodded and Ben ran into the booth to drag the man out.

"Listen to it yourself, man!" he said and Suguru cued up the tape so he could replay it.

The smile that donned Shuichi face when he heard the song played back was something Hiro didn't think any of them would want to disappear. He looked so pleased and at peace with himself whenever he smiled now. It was almost as if he were a completely different person.

When the song finished Shuichi smiled even brighter. "Well, I think that it could use a few tweaks here and there, but, all in all, it's pretty damn good, if I do say so myself."

Aiko laughed quietly and shook her head. Shuichi scowled at her.

"What's so funny?"

The girl shook her head and shrugged. "Is it illegal for me to laugh now or something?"

"Just when you laugh at me," Shuichi said and stood in a wannabe menacing sort of way. Everyone else in the room died with laughter.

"Stop laughing at me!" Shuichi yelled and stomped his foot.

The laughter quickly died down and Shuichi smiled happily. Hiro shook his head at the raven-haired man when their eyes connected and moved his hand in a sign for the man to turn around as inconspicuously as he could. Shuichi seemed to catch on, however, because he turned around and froze.

K was standing in the doorway with his gun pointed right in the middle of Shuichi's face, which had been the back of his head just a few moments earlier. Shuichi laughed carefully and put his hands in the air, his body shaking a bit.

"H-hey, K. What's up?"

The blonde frowned. "Don't talk to me like that. What was all the arguing I heard in here?"

When he was sure that everyone else was still wide-eyed and frozen, Hiro sighed and stood forward. "It was just Shuichi and Aiko getting into one of their little fights. That's all."

K narrowed his eyes slightly but pulled the gun out of Shuichi's face and put it back in its holster. The raven-haired man sighed heavily and slumped over into the chair next to him.

"What the fuck is your problem, K? Sticking a gun in my face like that!"

The American acted as if he hadn't heard a word that Shuichi said. He walked over to the panel and toyed with a few things before putting a pair of headphones on. Even so, the band could easily hear the sound of the song they had just finished emitting from the speakers.

"Not bad," K said and took the headphones off before the song was even over. "It could still use some work, though."

"We already decided that," Shuichi scoffed.

K, once again, threw the comment off with a small shake of his head and he sat down in the chair next to Suguru.

"How much longer until the album is complete?"

The five band mates looked between each other for a few moments and shrugged in unison.

"We're not sure," Suguru said. "Until we get all of the songs that are needed, I guess."

"You all have a month to complete this album before I take matters into my own hands," K said and left the room.

The five looked amongst each other again with furrowed brows. They all knew that they _really_ didn't want K to take matters into his own hands, but he couldn't rush them either. Everything had gone perfectly since the beginning of the new album and it was much too late for things to go crashing down now.

"Think we can do it?" Hiro asked.

The others shrugged.

"All we can do is try," Aiko replied.

Ben nodded. "We have what? Five or six songs already? We did that in a month, right? Now all we need is to record another five or six songs in another month," he said. "I think that things are peachy keen."  
Hiro chuckled and shook his head. "I agree."

Shuichi didn't say anything but nodded.

"I think that we're done for today," Suguru said and stood up from his seat. "Tomorrow we can make the final touches on this and then start on the next, okay?"

Everyone nodded and gathered up their things before dispersing. While Suguru and Ben left, Hiro waited outside by his motorcycle for Shuichi and Aiko to leave. They didn't exit the building until a few minutes later.

"Hey!" Hiro called and ran to help them with their load.

Shuichi smiled graciously. "Thank you."

Hiro smiled and shook his head. "No problem."

The three of them loaded the instruments and things into the back of Shuichi's car and Aiko boosted herself up onto the trunk while Hiro and Shuichi chatted.

"You should come up some time," Shuichi said. "It'd be great if you could come whenever Touma, Mika, and the kids are up next."

Hiro shrugged. "I dunno."

"You're not still holding a grudge against Eiri, are you?" Shuichi asked with a frown. "He's okay now. Why won't you believe me?"

"It's kind of hard," Hiro said, shaking his head. "You know how I am about people hurting you."

Shuichi sighed. "That was over six years ago, Hiro," he said. "You know what? I really think that you should come up some time. You'll see what I'm talking about."

It took Hiro a moment to think about it in his head, but he soon sighed, defeated, and gave in. "Fine. I'll come to see little Amarante and Rue."

Shuichi practically beamed and hugged Hiro gently before returning to his car.

"I'll call you next time they're up, okay?"

"Hey, Shuichi!"

The raven-haired man turned around and gave Hiro a questioning look. "Yeah?"

"What do you want? When you figure out what you want, that's when I'll decide what to think."

Even from the distance, Hiro saw Shuichi's eyes widen slightly and then go back to their regular size.

"I'll have to give you a rain check on that one," he said and climbed into his car.

Hiro nodded and waved a quick goodbye. He didn't leave until he watched Shuichi and Aiko pull out of the parking lot and disappear into the sea of vehicles.

**-------------**

The small silver band glittered in his palm, the moonlight making small pinpricks of light dance across the wall while filling the raven-haired man with old memories. Shuichi sighed. He remembered the day he'd gotten the ring. Or, at least when he'd finally realized that it was on his finger. He and Eiri had been on their way to New York together for the first time. That had been a little over eight years ago. He sighed again and tore his eyes from the band.

Shuichi looked at his reflection in the mirror across from his bed, amethyst eyes boring into amethyst eyes. If he concentrated hard enough, he could see himself with his old vibrant pink hair and large sparkling eyes—eyes full of innocence and purity. He shook his head and ran a hand through his wildly highlighted hair. No! He couldn't go back in time. There was no way for him go back and wish for everything to be perfect, and he refused to just forget about everything that had happened.

But…

The raven-haired man growled in frustration and lay back on his bed. There were so many things that he had to think about.

_'What do you want?'_

The question echoed through his mind and wouldn't leave him alone. What _did_ he want? Shuichi growled and rolled over, burying his face in his pillow. This was all just so damn confusing. Why did any of it even have to happen? Why did he have to meet Eiri on that day what seemed an eternity ago? Why did the blonde have to treat him the ways that he did? Why did he have to leave? Why did he have to fall for Tatsuha? Why did Eiri have to return? Why did he cheat? Why had death been taken from him so many times? Why did he have to move in with Eiri? Why did Tatsuha have to die? Why did Ryuichi have to try to jump off that rooftop? _Why was he feeling this way?_

Was it love that he was feeling? Or just the residue of their past relationship that still lingered, even after all those years? Shuichi couldn't decide. But he knew that he would have to do it fast, for, although he wouldn't lose his chance with Eiri, Hiro's fuse was going short. The longer he took to decide whether or not to run back into the blonde's arms, the harder it would be for his auburn-haired friend to accept their love.

It took everything that he had for Shuichi to keep himself from screaming out in frustration. He buried his head in his hands and pulled harshly at his hair, clenching his eyes as tightly as they would go.

"What do I want?" he whispered. "What do I want? What do I want? What do I want?"

The repeated words echoed in his room, bouncing off each of the walls and returning to him, only to be repeated again.

Shuichi opened his eyes and held the ring up in his hand, holding it between his thumb and pointer finger. He could easily read the words that were engraved on the inside at the angle he held it at, and no matter where he moved it the words still stood out.

_'A love like gravity. Never forget.'_

Shuichi sighed and closed his hand around the silver band.

He _really_ needed to rethink things.

TBC…

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A/N: Yay! I actually like how this turned out. Kinda happy, too. Just like me! The first day of December and we've got snow on the ground! YaY! Strange because it seems like it was seventy just yesterday. Oh, well. I love snow!…

Anywho…quite a few of the things that happened in this chapter were drawn from my own life… 1) Whenever I'm nervous, or bored, I tend to rub the hem of my shirt. Weird, I know, but hey… 2) I recently announced to my friends that I was going to stop cutting and/or hurting myself in any other manner. I _do_ still have my blades and such, but I'm also on contract with my therapist. Hopefully it will last… 3) Instead of trying to be quiet and falling down the stairs, I was trying to be quiet and slipped on a blanket. How? I dunno…but I ended up waking everyone…_sighs_… 4) Both of the things that Eiri remembers Aiko doing, I have done myself. I was running away from my brother when I fell on the floor and I was playing with my dog with the collapsing fence thing… 4) Whenever my mom hears that I have an interest in someone she pins me in a corner until I tell her who… Kinda annoying, but I guess it's motherly love… 5) Just today my friend asked me what I wanted and I told her the same as Shuichi. I _really_ need to rethink things…

I think that's about it, but it's still quite a bit for this chapter. I'm a strange person, huh? Yup, yup. And clumsy and random and sometimes stupid. He, he. But who isn't?…

Okay…I don't have enough time to reply to everyone's thank you's because I want to get this out A.S.A.P., so I'm just gonna make a list. One, though, I have to take the time to reply to…

**GravityNeko, xo-silent-whispers-ox, Sour-Skittlez **(you logged in that time…he, he…)**, Annie loves it, Ryu Sakuma, The Amazing Tsu-chan, Ashcat, mr.kusanagi **(_poke_…he, he…wuv ya)**, animegirl12182, LoveLandKiss, Dhampir, kuriqa **(I love you!)**, Yami Chikara, MangaMamma, Guren, clueless97, ddz008**…

All of your reviews were kick ass! I loved all of them…

And…**Kayla05**…I thank you so much for your review and thoughts. And I can only hope that things for me turn out as well as they have for Aiko-chan, too. She's one lucky girl. But, as I said, I have made the decision to stop SI and find a better, healthier way to cope. I am honored to have inspired you and I thank you much more for having said that. There are no words for me to describe how happy that makes me feel. And, in all actuality, I came up for the idea for this fic before I was actually drawn into the spell of self-injury. Sure, I did it occasionally, but it never really began to control my life until after the New Year started. And, if you look closely, you can tell because that's when Shuichi begins relying on it more and more to live and keep his sanity. But now, like me, he's escaped the deadly—but all so entrancing and welcoming—embrace of the world that is self-injury, for now. Like me, he will always be a cutter who doesn't cut anymore because there's always the chance that he'll remember just how good it felt and he'll pick up the blade again. Age, race, gender…none of that matters. People think that only adolescents cut, but I know of several women and one man over 40 who injure themselves… Anyway, rambling, aren't I? He, he… I just want you to know how much just your _review_ affected me. I'll never give up. Thank you and much love…

Okay…I need to go, but I'll see you all in my next chapter. If it's not until after the New Year then…MERRY CHRISTMACHANNUKWANZICA! (Is that how I spelled it before?) He, he…just like last year… Sorry for any typos in here and I'll catch ya'll later…

**Xx—Whatever your religion or ethnicity…Happy Holidays. Much love to you all…—xX **


	23. And Love is Where I Am

Bleh…I am running on total and complete suckage right now. I know that this chapter won't be very long, and I apologize in advance for this. I'm being forced to deal with my life going to Hell and knowing that I can't do anything about it…

Lemon ahead!…

**Disclaimer:** I don't own it… "October" belongs to Evanescence. I know that I said that I'd use only songs by The Used, but just read the lyrics and you'll understand…

**And Love is Where I Am…**

"I can't do this! It's going to drive me insane!"

The four members of Bad Luck who sat outside the recording booth jumped off their seats. They watched as Shuichi tore the headphones from his head, threw them to the ground, and stomped out the door.

"K is a fucking lunatic if he thinks we can finish this album in a month," he growled and slumped down into the chair nearest him.

"If you keep up this attitude we sure as hell won't," Suguru snapped and fumbled with the controls on the panel before him.

Shuichi glared at the green-haired as if he were willing him to die, but Ben quickly intercepted the glare when he smacked the raven-haired man across the back of the head.

"What the man speaks is true, Shuichi. You were doing perfectly fine until K slapped this deadline on us. Why can't you just pretend that we still have all the time in the world?"

Shuichi frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. "Deadlines make me nervous. K knows that and, for some sort of sadistic reason, he thinks that it's funny to slap a deadline on us whenever we get on a roll." He sighed and ran a hand back through his hair. "Besides, I've had a lot more thrown on my plate since then and it's really driving me off the deep end."

Hiro nodded. "So I've noticed. It's interesting to see that you're wearing the ring again, Shu. Has Eiri-san noticed this?"

Shuichi tensed slightly and shook his head, a blush blooming across his face. "No, he hasn't noticed, but I just put it on last night." He sighed. "I did a lot of thinking last night."

A ringing silence fell between the band mates and Hiro, Suguru, Ben, and Aiko stared at Shuichi, willing him to continue, but he didn't. Ben sighed heavily.

"And?"

Shuichi muttered something so quiet that no one else heard it.

"Excuse me?"

"I said that I love him." He looked up at his band mates with a smile on his face. "Even after everything that he did, everything that we've gone through, I still love him and want to be with him more than anything. I know that my life will be nothing if I don't spend it with him."

Ben busted out laughing. "It's about damn time!"

Shuichi glared at him. "What's that supposed to mean? You were one of the people who didn't want me to go back to him."

Ben shrugged. "Cupid works in strange ways," he said. "It's not like I can help it if you love him. You love who you love, right?"

Shuichi sighed and his shoulders slumped. Hiro laughed and patted his friend lightly on the shoulder.

"Do you want to try one more time?"

Shuichi nodded. "Yes, but I want to try 'October' this time."

Hiro looked away from his friend for a moment, biting his lip, to think, but then turned back to the raven-haired man with a smile on his face. "That's the secret song, isn't it?

Shuichi smiled and nodded before bounding into the recording booth for one more try.

"You know which arrangement to use, right, Suguru?" he asked as he slipped the headphones over his ears.

Suguru nodded and the music filled Shuichi's ears. He closed his eyes and began to rock back and forth to the beat, letting the song fill his entire soul. This was it. This song represented his entire future.

"_I can't run anymore.  
__I fall before you.  
__Here I am.  
__I have nothing left.  
__Though I've tried to forget,  
__you're all that I am.  
__Take me home.  
__I'm through fighting it._

"_Broken.  
__Lifeless.  
__I give up.  
__You're my only strength.  
__Without you I can't go on  
__anymore,  
__ever again…"_

It didn't take long for the hot tears to well up in Shuichi's eyes or for the faces of his band mates outside the booth to fall slack at the lyrics and the feeling that the raven-haired man poured into the words.

A bright but sad smile light up Shuichi's face as memories filled his head.

"_My only hope  
__(all the times I've tried).  
__My only peace  
__(to walk away from you).  
__My only joy.  
__My only strength  
__(I fall into your abounding grace).  
__My only power.  
__My only life  
__(and love is where I am).  
__My only love._

"_I can't run anymore.  
__I give myself to you.  
__I'm sorry.  
__I'm sorry.  
__In all my bitterness I ignored  
__all that's real and true.  
__All I need is you.  
__When night falls on me  
__I'll not close my eyes.  
__I'm too alive  
__and you're too strong.  
__I can't lie anymore.  
__I fall down before you.  
__I'm sorry.  
__I'm sorry…"_

The tears were free and streaming down Shuichi's face. His eyes were blurred over and his mind was clouded in thoughts of happiness and despair. Just like his heart, this song was torn but knew beyond a shadow of a doubt which way he should go.

He was so enveloped in his singing that he didn't see the person standing in the studio's doorway with surprise and sadness on their face.

"_My only hope__  
__(to walk away from you).  
__My only joy.  
__My only strength  
__(I fall into your abounding grace).  
__My only power.  
__My only life  
__(and love is where I am).  
__My only love…"_

Shuichi clenched his eyes closed and put every ounce of feeling that he could collect into the bridge of the song, not caring if his tears were obvious in his voice or if he sounded stupid. His hands had migrated north and settled themselves on the speakers of his headphones, clenching them tightly and holding them to Shuichi's ears.

"_Constantly ignoring  
__the pain consuming me,  
__but this time it's cut too deep.  
__I'll never stray again.."_

Hiro and the others were clapping for him. Even over his words and the music pouring into his head from his headphones, he could still here the claps and cheers from the other side of the glass. It filled him with an immense amount of joy that he couldn't even find words to describe.

"_My only hope  
__(all the times I've tried).  
__My only peace  
__(to walk away from you).  
__My only joy.  
__My only strength  
__(I fall into your abounding grace).  
__My only power.  
__My only life  
__(and love is where I am).  
__My only love…"_

As the end of the song came closer, Shuichi put more force and emotion into his voice. Not as much as he had for the bridge, but enough to really make the listener know that this song meant the world to him and that he was pouring his heart out into it.

His tears had never stopped falling and he had never made an attempt to wipe them away from his tired eyes. He wanted Hiro, Ben, Suguru, and Aiko to know how much this song meant to him. He wanted the world to know how much this song meant to him. _He wanted to world to know how much he loved Eiri Uesugi._

"_My only hope  
__(all the times I've tried).  
__My only peace  
__(to walk away from you).  
__My only joy.  
__My only strength  
__(I fall into your abounding grace).  
__My only power.  
__My only life  
__(and love is where I am).  
__My only love."_

Shuichi finished the song off on a slow mournful note, letting out a soft sigh to finish off.

Where there had been cheers and whistles before was now only silence. Shuichi opened his eyes and could have sworn that his heart had skipped a beat.

Eiri was sitting on the couch between Hiro and Aiko, watching Shuichi with intense and emotion filled eyes. The raven-haired man smiled coyly at him and Eiri smiled back. Lifting a pale hand, he beckoned Shuichi to go out into the studio. He complied with a nod.

Eiri was at the door when Shuichi exited and the raven-haired man found himself engulfed in a warm, gentle embrace. He returned the embrace by wrapping his arms around Eiri's neck and he buried his face in the blonde's chest.

When Eiri pulled away, Shuichi stood up on his tiptoes and planted a soft kiss on the blonde's lips.

"I love you," he whispered quietly against Eiri's lips. "A love like gravity. Never forget."

Eiri smiled at him returned the kiss passionately. "Thank you," he whispered when he pulled away. "I love you so much."

Shuichi smiled and brushed Eiri bangs out of his eyes so he could look into the depths of his deep amber orbs. They shined with happiness and tears, two things that Shuichi had longed to see eight years ago but were now commonplace in the blonde's eyes.

"I can't deny it anymore," Shuichi said. "I love you more than anything in this world and I can't stand to just pretend that we can only be friends for any longer. You are my hope, my peace, my joy, my strength, my power, my life…my love."

Eiri let out a tearful chuckle and Shuichi smiled at him while brushing away the few stray tears that snuck from his eyes. Eiri grasped Shuichi's hand gently and kissed it.

"Thank you," he whispered.

Shuichi smiled up at him but gave no vocal response.

"Well, it's about damn time!" Ben's voice stunned everyone in the room and shattered the semi-serious air that had formed.

Shuichi turned and glared at him.

The brunette smiled innocently. "What?"

Shuichi smiled lopsidedly and rolled his eyes, grabbing onto Eiri's hand.

"If K so happens to strut in here while I'm gone and asks where I am, just tell him to kiss my ass," he said and pulled a confused Eiri out the door with him.

Silence filled the room after they left, a silence that only Ben was brave enough break. He erupted into laughter and buried his head in his hands. The other four people in the room stared at him stupidly and shook their heads.

"I don't see what's so funny, Ben," Suguru stated, reclined comfortable in his swivel chair.

He shook his head. "I'm laughing for Shu-chan, man. I'm just glad to see that he's finally happy. And he acts like we don't know where he's going and what he's going to do."

Aiko glared at Ben in disbelief but a small blush had formed on her cheeks, along with the cheeks of Hiro and Suguru. Ben chuckled quietly and picked up his guitar to work on the strings for a different song.

He hoped that Shuichi knew what he was doing.

**-------------**

He was pinned against a wall, a mouth as hungry as his devouring lips as if they had never tasted anything like them. Hands roamed across pale skin and dug themselves into raven and blonde hair. The tongue massaging his alighted a fire in his groin that sent him rippling into a moan.

_(Hm...I wonder where this is going? Because I can't post where it went...you won't find out... Damn...)_

After a moment of silence, Eiri moved, his blonde locks tickling Shuichi's throat, and kissed the raven-haired man passionately.

"I love you, Shuichi," he said. "You have no idea how much I love you."

Shuichi shook his head. "I've always known," he whispered. "I was just waiting for you to realize it."

Eiri chuckled softly and gathered Shuichi into his arms, pulling out of him and lying them both down on the floor littered with their clothing. Shuichi rolled onto his side and draped his right arm over the blonde's chest.

"I love you."

Silence, then: "Me, too."

Shuichi chuckled, swallowing back a small retort that he knew he should save for later, when they weren't basking in the afterglow of the first sex they'd had with each other in almost five years.

"Did you lock the door?"

Silence.

Shuichi shrugged and burrowed himself deeper into the blonde's side, resting his head on the crook of Eiri's shoulder, letting sleep take him over.

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A/N: WooT! YaY! A lemon…and I actually don't think that it was that bad. Was it? How many of you are glad that the sexual tension is finally released and they are allowed to freely love each other…_wipes a tear from her eye_…That sounds like it came right from a Hallmark card… If any of you haven't read this chapter yet and want to read the lemon...e-mail me and I'll send it to you...

What did you all think of the song? Wasn't it perfect?…

Man…I dunno why I'm so hyper, seeing that I'm gonna be moving out with my mom soon, but oh well. Probably 'cause I haven't taken my medicine yet. He, he. Prozac and Welbutrin…they fuck with your head, big time… Or maybe I just need some sleep (damn sweet ass book)…

Anywho…since I'm typing this on the lame ass computer I got for Christmas, I can't get on the Internet and see who all reviewed. I have your names written down somewhere, but, because of my sometimes, but not all the time, short-term memory, I seem to have forgotten where I put the paper…_laughs_… Anyway…you all know who you are and I thank you profusely for your love and support and everything like that…

As always…sorry for any typos…

OH! And if any of you are looking for a new book to read that's totally awesome, check out A Density of Souls by Christopher Rice. Yes…he's Anne Rice's son, but it's not a vampire book or anything like that. It's about a group of teens who grow into adults and stuff. I know…it sounds lame, but… You'll have to read the summary of the book. One of the characters is gay, though…_squeals_…and he sounds so cute… I've just started his latest book and it's set in gay LA. It's really good so far. How forgot how much fun it was to read a long book when you really enjoyed it. I don't think I've read an entire book in a little more than a day since I finished "The Vampire Chronicles". Hm…sorry for that lame and boring add on…_smiles_…

Alrighty…I'm out. Big thanks for reviews. Love ya guys…

Re-post note... chapter 25 is done and 26 is almost there so be looking for those soon!


	24. The Lunacy Phringe

Hm…too lazy to write an author's note. Ugh…see ya at the end…

**Disclaimer:** If you don't know yet then you shouldn't even be here…

**The Lunacy Phringe…**

The two weeks that Bad Luck had had to finish the reentry into music superstardom that was their latest album were full of insanity and over-exaggerated overdramatics. Shuichi had spent, to Eiri at least, too much time at the studio that he could have spent at home with him.

After spending so much time surrounded by Shuichi and Aiko's constant bickering, it was too silent in the house for it to belong to someone sane. Contradictory to what he used to believe, Eiri was starting to believe that silence should be illegal because it gave your mind too much freedom to wander into places that it shouldn't belong. When left in silence, the brain became one those little children who looked cute on the outside but harbored a vicious demon on the inside. The blonde couldn't stop the shiver that tingled down his spine.

Speaking of little children, Mika and Touma were supposed to be coming for dinner and they were going to bring little Amarante and Rue with them. And if any child was harboring a demon within them, it was Amarante. She was adorable…when she wanted to be, but if you bothered her when she wanted some peace and quiet, all hell would break loose. Just like her mother.

Thankfully, Rue was still hardly able to speak coherently and he couldn't walk. He could crawl, though, which was sometimes worse than a walking little kid because he found plenty of places where he could hide his small one-year-old body and Touma's thirty-one-year old arms couldn't reach to get him out.

Although it was rather annoying whenever Eiri had to chase after the kid, it was extremely cute when he had to watch Touma try to fish him out from wherever he was hiding. Oh, how Rue would giggle whenever Touma growled in frustration. Touma tried to blame it on being around Eiri so much when he babysat them, but Eiri always played the innocent uncle and laughed whenever Rue crawled over and used his legs to help him get to his feet, holding his arms up to indicate to the blonde that he wanted to be held and he wanted to be held now.

Eiri sighed and used a hand to push his annoying sweat slicked bangs out of his eyes so he could make sure that he had scrubbed all of the soap scum from the bottom of the bathtub. When he saw that he had, he leaned back on his haunches, wiping the sweat from his brow. When he examined the bathroom around him, he was happy to see that everything was sparkling in its glory and that he was done.

With a sigh and groan that he ignored, he pushed himself up from the ground and began the task of putting everything back into place. All of the shampoo, conditioner, and body washes were replaced in the shower; the toothbrushes, toothpaste, and plastic cup dispenser were placed back on the counter around the sink; and all of the other toiletries he really didn't feel like messing with were haphazardly shoved into the cabinet above the toilet so he could get them out of view. He then put the cleaning supplies he had used back beneath the sink and threw the dirty, sopping wet rag into the dirty clothes basket.

While he washed his hands he couldn't keep his eyes from wandering up to gaze at his reflection. His amber eyes reflected in the mirror shined with a sort of fierce intensity that hadn't left since Shuichi's declaration. The joy that had overrode his emotions had been too great to put into words when Shuichi finally admitted that he loved him and he had felt something beyond describing while they had made love in the closet. While it was true that an abandoned janitor's closet hadn't really been the best place for them to do it, it hadn't been the worst place either.

Just like the groan that had stole its way through his lips when he stood, Eiri ignored the crow's feet that were starting to form at the corners of his eyes and the fine lines that ran across his forehead. He knew how old he was without having to see the constant signs of aging that jumped out at him every time he looked in the mirror, but he still tried to defy them. He _did_ draw the line at one thing, though. He refused to use lotions and all of the other frou-frou stuff that women used to "get rid of" their fine lines and wrinkles. Shuichi had suggested that he use them once and hadn't dared to suggest it again.

Before shutting the water off, Eiri splashed a bit of it on his face and dried himself off with the hand towel on the circle holder that hung on the wall beside him. He left the bathroom without a second glance back at his reflection.

A nice power nap was nagging at the back of his mind by the time he set foot in the living room, but he refused to give into it. He was still too young to need a power nap after only cleaning the bathroom. Although, he _had_ been at it for an hour or more and the fumes of all the cleaners had probably mixed together and fermented in his mind. No! That still didn't give him a reason to give into the oh-so-inviting call of the evil nap. Naps, like watching golf, were for old people and he wasn't quite an old person…yet.

Ignoring the sensuous call of the couch, Eiri shook his head and wandered into the kitchen. One glance at the clock almost made him collapse onto the floor. He only had an hour to get dinner ready before everyone would arrive. He could feel the color draining from his face. And he'd promised Shuichi that he'd make something good to kick off the night of partying he knew would ensue to celebrate the completion of Bad Luck's album.

Growling slightly in anger at himself, Eiri threw open the pantry door and dug around for ingredients for a delectable meal that would preferably take an hour or less to make. When he saw that nothing in the pantry fit that criteria, he left the small closet and ransacked the freezer before remembering the chicken that he'd put in the refrigerator to thaw the night before. Sure, it wasn't the best of delicacies, but it would do, and he seriously doubted that Shuichi would want something fancy anyway. They were celebrating, weren't they? A cookout would do just fine.

Eiri closed the freezer and pulled the chicken out from the fridge and grabbed some barbecue sauce and Italian dressing. He set the three items on the island counter in the center of the kitchen before heading to the cabinets to grab another plate, a bowl, spoon, barbecue sauce brush, and various poultry spices from the spice rack on the counter beside the stove.

He combined the barbecue sauce and Italian dressing in the bowl and mixed it together with the spoon, test tasting it and adding more of either until the mixture was perfect. He covered the bowl with a paper towel and stowed it away in the refrigerator until it was needed.

He left the chicken untouched in the four gallon-size Ziploc bags and searched for hors d'oeuvres and side dishes that would go along with the chicken, cursing at himself for waiting so long to start cleaning the bathroom. He'd known that it would come back to bite him in the ass, too.

He ended up settling on a random mixture of foods. An industrial-sized can of baked beans that he didn't even remember buying, frozen instant garlic mashed potatoes that he would lie and say that he'd made if anyone asked (if they thought they were good, that is), two bags of Pillsbury frozen "bakery fresh" rolls of both regular and cheesy garlic, some random canned vegetables from the Jolly Green Giant, and an ensemble of various other quick and easy side dishes/appetizers.

Before he knew it, he was surrounded by bubbling pots and a beeping timer that wouldn't stop reminding him that the ten minutes he had set it for were up and that he should really check the rolls. When he did check them, they weren't even the golden brown that the package said they should be after the ten minutes.

In a fit of frustration, Eiri sat down on one of the barstools around the island counter and cradled his head in his arms. He thought that he'd been dreaming when he heard the front door open, thought that the voices of Shuichi and Aiko were just figments that his imagination had created to get rid of his nagging loneliness. But that gentle kiss on the back of his neck and the arms that wrapped around his shoulders just felt too real to be imaginary.

He lifted his head and was surprised to see a mass of lightning yellow and lime green highlighted ebony hair resting lightly on his shoulder and a grinning Aiko leaning a shoulder against the archway to the kitchen. A smile brightened his tired features and he wrapped an arm around Shuichi's waist, glancing at the stove's clock at the same time.

"You're home early."

Shuichi nodded and wrapped his arms around Eiri, resting his hands on the blonde's hip. "After getting onto us for two hours, Touma was sick of us fucking around and told us to get home." He chuckled quietly. "It was funny."

Eiri snorted. "So you finished your album?"

Shuichi nodded. "Yup."

"And let the interviews commence," Aiko added as an after statement.

Shuichi rolled his eyes and rested his head on Eiri's shoulder, a gesture that Eiri returned by lying the side of his head against his. As much as he loved sitting in the man's embrace, something didn't smell quite right. It smelled like something was…burning.

Eiri's eyes grew wide and he shot up from the stool.

"Shit!" he yelled and pulled open the oven's door. And there were the rolls, now a muddy brown after ten extra minutes in the oven.

He groaned and slid the two cookie sheets onto the stovetop. Shuichi chuckled and gave one of them an experimental poke with a finger.

"Well, it didn't explode. Think they're still edible?" he asked in a mocking tone of voice.

"Like your cooking is any better," Eiri muttered.

Shuichi laughed and shrugged, tousling Eiri's blonde hair with a hand.

"Don't worry about it, Eiri. It'll be fine."

The blonde shrugged and turned his back on the sad looking excuses for rolls. Shuichi smiled and wrapped his arms around his waist, burying his head in Eiri's chest. Eiri couldn't help but sigh and return the embrace, glancing down at Shuichi when he looked up at him. The expression on his face was one that Eiri wasn't familiar with.

"I hate to say this, Eiri, but you stink," he said, crinkling his nose a bit to emphasize the fact. "What have you done all day?"

"Manly work," Eiri said indignantly.

Shuichi broke out in laughter. "Unless they make a deodorant that smells like a mixture Scrubbing Bubbles, Comet, Febreze, Palmolive, and other cleaning stuff, I'd think that you were cleaning the house."

Eiri scowled at him but gave into the smile that Shuichi donned on his face. "Whatever," he muttered and pulled away from the man.

"Hey! Where are you going?" Shuichi called.

"I was _going_ to take a shower since I seem to smell so bad," Eiri said and started up the stairway. "Can you guys please keep an eye on the rest of the food for me so it doesn't turn out like my rolls?"

"Sure."

Eiri grunted a thanks and trudged his way up the stairs. Just to test a theory, he lifted an arm and smelled. Shuichi was right, he smelled like something that crawled out of a trash heap full of cans of cleaning supplies, and he could hear the nice clean shower singing his name.

He slowly made his way into his…no, he and Shuichi's bedroom and pulled open his closet doors. He _really_ didn't want to dress for the occasion; hell, he didn't even know what he should wear to dress for the occasion, so he grabbed a long-sleeved black polo shirt, a pair of blue jeans, and a clean pair of boxers and entered his destination.

He deposited his clean clothes on the edge of the sink and dropped a clean towel to the floor just outside the shower and started the water before shedding his dirty, smelly clothes. The warm water against his skin was a Godsend, hitting all of his muscles just right to relax them and leave him a sighing mass of goo beneath the water's onslaught. But his comfort couldn't last forever and he soon found himself turning the water off and wrapping the towel on the floor around his waist.

He slowly, and begrudgingly, dried his body of water and pulled his clothes on before violently running the towel through his hair in a rough drying attempt. He brushed his teeth and raked his fingers through his hair to make it presentable and then picked his dirty clothes up from the floor and left the bathroom. Thankfully, the shower had erased most of the exhaustion from his body and, after a quick stop by the bedroom to drop off his dirty clothes, he went downstairs to check on Shuichi and Aiko.

They were both where he had left them and were silently playing a game of some sort on a scrap piece of paper. Shuichi looked up with a smile when he walked into the kitchen.

"Everything but the chicken's done. I figured you'd want to do that yourself, Emeril," he said. "I did start the grill for ya, though."

Eiri laughed in a happy/sarcastic way and went to the kitchen to grab the barbecue sauce he had mixed up earlier.

"Have you heard from anyone yet?"

Shuichi shook his head but Aiko nodded. "Touma called about five minutes ago and said that they were just leaving. Hiro, Suguru, and Ben will be here in about an hour. And I dunno if Remi's gonna come or not."

Eiri had to stop and take a second to let the words sink in. Aiko sounded so put out at the mention of Remi, something that definitely wasn't usual for the girl. Even if he couldn't show to some dinner arrangement or another, she never sounded so upset.

"Has something happened between the two of you?" Eiri asked. Even from across the kitchen Eiri could visibly see her shoulders tense. "You don't have to tell me. I'm just worried, is all."

She shook her head, her in dire need of a dying choppy red-orange hair flying about her head, but her mouth was kept shut. Eiri sighed and moved to her side, wrapping her in his arms. Aiko sighed and slowly relaxed in his embrace, burying her head against his shoulder.

When she was calmed enough, Eiri pulled away from her and planted a gentle kiss on top of her head.

"Don't worry about him tonight, Aiko, okay? You just finished an album, not to mention your first, so party it up. Don't let anything bother you."

She nodded but Eiri didn't believe that she would relax. He pulled away from her and returned to the bowl of barbecue sauce and the bags of chicken, giving Shuichi a 'make sure you watch her' look. Shuichi nodded and plopped down onto his stool.

Eiri gave the two one last look over his shoulder before exiting out the French doors that lead to his deck. Just as Shuichi had promised, the grill was already lit and ready for the chicken. He put two of the four bags onto the grill and covered half of them with barbecue sauce, the other half with the random spices he had picked out.

By the time the chicken was done, Touma and Mika were just arriving with Amarante and Rue and Hiro had called and said that they were on their way. There had still been no word from Remi. Aiko didn't seem to care about it, but Eiri couldn't not keep one eye on her.

When Touma set Rue down on the ground he crawled over to Eiri and gave him his irresistible toothless grin. Eiri chuckled and picked the boy up, ruffling his brunette hair when he was perched on his side, the place he would most likely prefer to stay all night. Until he decided that it was time to annoy his father, that is.

Little Amarante ran over to Aiko and hugged her legs. Aiko smiled and got onto her knees so she could take the blonde girl into her arms.

"Aunt Aiko!" she said and broke out into a fit of her infectious giggles.

Eiri couldn't help but smile, especially when Touma walked over to greet him.

"It's amazing that I'm his father and not you," the blonde said and held out his hand.

Eiri chuckled and took the offered hand, shaking it in a firm grip. "Nah. If I was his dad then he'd be all over you. He just doesn't like you because you're the big bad rules man at home."

Touma chuckled and rolled his green eyes with a shake of his head. Mika came next and wrapped her arms around her brother in a gentle embrace.

"I always knew you liked kids," she said.

"I can't help being irresistible," Eiri said and turned up his nose in sarcasm.

Mika laughed and shook her head. "I'm just glad to see you, Eiri. I'm glad that _he's_ gone."

Eiri nodded and smiled at Mika and watched as she went to greet everyone else. It was a minute before he realized that the incessant tugging at his pants leg was coming from Amarante. When he looked down at her she smiled and her grey eyes sparkled with happiness.

"Hi, Uncle Eiri," she said with the biggest smile her lips would allow her to make without tearing.

He smiled back at her. "Hey, Amarante. How are you?"

"I'm really happy 'cause I get to see you, Shu-chan, and Aiko-chan," she said. "I like seeing you because I have fun."

He laughed and tousled her pigtails. "I like seeing you, too, Amarante."

She giggled and ran off to play with Aiko again.

Hiro, Suguru, and Ben arrived about fifteen minutes later with smiles and extra food, and everyone dug into the buffet style layout of dishes across the counter and disappeared outside to enjoy the cool late fall air for one of the last nights before it turned to bitter cold.

The celebration dinner went by in a mess of laughter, talk, and plenty of reminiscing. Eiri couldn't remember a time when Hiro and Suguru had ate with him and Shuichi at their home. When Shuichi met them for a night it was usually to go to a restaurant or bar or something of the like. And he knew that Ben had never eaten with them before. Touma, Mika, and the kids came to eat with them at least twice a month now, a constant reminder to Eiri of how much support he'd gotten from his family in the past; albeit it was sometimes negative support, but it was still support and that was all that mattered.

Much to his disappointment, Remi never showed, but it didn't seem to faze Aiko much. Her hands were too full with Amarante for her to worry about much of anything else.

When the meal was over and the nighttime air grew too cold to stand without jackets, the talk moved to the living room where the adults sipped on coffee, tea, or beer and the kids drank from sippy cups full of juice in an oblivious state of happiness.

By ten o'clock, Amarante and Rue were put to bed in the guest bedroom and the adults began to play the game of vicious competition known as Uno. It was the most fun that Eiri had had in a long time, made even better the more everyone drank. Just one hand took almost an hour and a half and everyone got the chance to have almost every card in the deck in their hand at least once. And after playing Uno with that crew, he swore that the game should be illegal just for the fact of violence. The more alcohol everyone ingested, the more they began to loosen up and yell and shout at each other.

After six hands everyone was too out of it or tired to continue playing any longer so they wrapped it up and, one by one, everyone trekked to wherever they chose to spend the night in the house.

It wasn't until everyone was safely tucked away that Eiri finally made his way up to he and Shuichi's bedroom. He couldn't stop the smile from forming on his face when he opened the door. Shuichi had changed into his pajama pants before falling into bed, not even taking the time to turn the covers down.

Eiri quietly changed into his own pajamas and climbed into bed next to Shuichi. Shuichi shifted onto his side and sighed almost silently. Eiri curled up against Shuichi's back and wrapped an arm around his waist, burying his face in the hair at the base of Shuichi's neck.

Shuichi shivered slightly and moaned quietly. One of his hands took Eiri's and he snuggled closer to the man for warmth.

"'Night, Eiri. Love you."

Eiri kissed the back of his neck softly. "I love you, too, Shu."

He heard the barely audible outtake of breath that was Shuichi's quietly laugh and closed his eyes.

_'Please don't let me screw this up,'_ he prayed. _'I don't know what I'll do if I lose him again.'_

With that done, he allowed himself to be carried off in his river of dreams.

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

A/N: Short…I know. But I didn't want to add anymore to this chapter to ruin it. I had sooo much fun writing this. Y'all have no idea. I especially loved writing the beginning about Amarante and Rue and Eiri trying to push aside the fact that he was aging. I couldn't help but smile the whole time I wrote this chapter and I hope that the same happened to y'all as you read along…

Well…keep an eye out for the next chapter because I've got lots of ideas set to wrap this baby up. _cries_ I don't want to end it, but I have to. I really need to get my ass in gear on _Rayne_ if I ever want to get it published and that means that I have to stop worrying about this all the time. I am working on a new wild crossover, though. But I can't say anything about it because it's a secret…

Thank you to…

**GravityNeko:** Neko-chan! _glomps_ Thank you, thank you, thank you! And it wasn't the end…I've still got a couple more in me…Luvs…

**rabid butterfly: **Were you referencing the "Did you lock the door?" line? He, he. Well…luckily no one caught them. Damn…I would like to be that janitor…

**yami Kistune: **And fuck like bunnies they will do! LoL. Thank you…

**Psychic Alchemist: **I'm weird? NO WAY! I'm perfectly sane and normal! _laughs_ Who am I kidding? But why am I suddenly weird? Or have I always been weird and you just didn't tell me? _sniffs_ LoL. Did you kill the freaky lunar woman so you can resurrect Atlantis? _prays_ Can I help? Please?… Damn…I am weird, aren't I? _shrugs_ Oh…and last chapter wasn't the first time that I've posted a lemon on and they didn't say anything. Oh, well. If I get in trouble, I get in trouble. I'm not scared. Anywho…bye, bye…

**LadyRave:** I'm glad that my last chapter kinda lifted your spirit's a bit. I hope that this one did, too. Or, at least, I hope it brought a smile to your face. Thanks for your support!…

**Ashcat:** Yeah…I figured that it was about time that Shu came to terms with his feelings for Eiri. I should have done it sooner, but oh well…

**DarkMetalAngel of Destruction:** I'll try my hardest…

**xo-silent-whispers-ox:** I know! It was kawaii wasn't it? I'm glad that you liked it! Luvs…

**Darkness Dreamer: **Thanks. I'm always excited when I get reviews like yours. I'm glad that you liked the lemon, too, and I hope that you liked this chapter as much as the others. Huggles…

**ku-chan: **I LOVE AND MISS YOU TOO! And I'm doing okay. I hate that you've worried about me so much. _sighs_…I'll definitely talk to you soon!…Loves…

**yuki ayamezuki:** It does seem to go on forever, doesn't it? _sighs_ It'll be coming to an end soon, though, unfortunately. _cries_ This was my baby! But I guess that all good things have to come to an end, right? Yup… And yes, I am a westerner. I live in the US…Indiana to be exact. I read your poems and am working on your fan fic. Your English is actually very good. I don't have another msn address so you should be set. If you ever wanna e-mail me, feel free to do so. I'd love to talk to you… Hugs…

**animegirl12182:** HAPPY BIRTHDAY, again! He, he. I'm sorry to hear that you're sick on your birthday. That sucks. I hope you get better soon! OH! And do you know if Abney Park has any Cds? I loved their songs on the CD you made me but I haven't been able to find them at any stores. Guess it's to the Internet…Huggles…

**mr.kusanagi:** Mwhahahahahaha! Don't you just hate the evil laugh! He, he. I do have one heck of a mind, don't I? No…it's one hell of a mind and I love it. And, for the hundred millionth time (but not really), I'm sorry if you end up with an uncomfortable confrontation by the "over the shoulder" reader. LoL. Hopefully it was just you being paranoid, but I'm sorry if it's not. Love and hugs…good enough to say

You all are so great and I love you all so much. I can't even think of something that would even begin to describe how grateful I am to have all of your support, especially those of you who have been with me since October 31, 2004… Thank you so much!…

Also, because I forgot to thank you all in the last chapter…thank you to everyone who reviewed "Last Breath". I'm glad that you all liked it more than I did… And sorry for any typos! I've read and reread this thing so many times. I hope there aren't many!…

Once again…adieu… See y'all in the next chapter…


	25. Blue and Yellow

In spite of the last chapter, we're gonna be off the beach and back into the deep, depressing ocean that is "In Love and Hate" in this one. OH JOY! Sorry, but did y'all _really_ think that I'd be able to keep it happy forever? Dear God…after reading all of the other chapters, I really hope not… He, he… Anywhozits…enjoy…

**Disclaimer:** I don't own it so you can't sue… And the "Pink ribbon scars…" quote is from the song "Today" by Smashing Pumpkins…

**Blue and Yellow…**

Ghostly fingers grazed lightly against pale as she sat in her large picture window, eyes closed and her arm pulled up to her chest, letting her fingers do the memorizing as they danced across her flesh. Images of perfectly straight pale pink lines began to form in her mind. First one and then two, slowly forming the designs of tally marks and harsh criticisms against the black of her thoughts.

She opened her mascaraed eyelashes with a heavy sigh and let her blue eyes slowly move down so they could stare at the designs.

"Pink ribbon scars that tried to forget," Aiko whispered, her voice barely even audible to her own ears. "I tried so hard to cleanse these regrets."

Tears tainted with black began to fall down her cheeks, splashing across her arm, her jeans, her shirt. No matter how hard she tried to forget her past, she'd never be able to let it go. Every time she closed her eyes for sleep, her mind was bombarded with memories. Her mother's scream, her father's shout. The smack, the bruise…the tears. Being told who her friends could and couldn't be, where she could and couldn't go, when she could go out and when she had to stay home. Her brother had never had the authority over her to make those decisions, but yet she had let him do it to her everyday.

She ran a finger gently against her largest scar. One cut for every time she had been forgotten. Two cuts for every time she'd seen _him_ with _her_. Three cuts for every time she'd let her eyes drift to her reflection in the mirror… Ten cuts for every day she'd forced herself to live through her dreadful life. There was barely an inch of skin on her left arm that wasn't covered in scars.

She brought her hand up to her throat and rubbed it softly. Her neck still bore the marks of when she'd tried to hang herself with a cheap piece of string, and the cuts that had started near her breasts before uncon­sciously making their ways closer and closer to the pulsing artery in her throat. She had originally made the black ribbon choker necklace that she wore to cover the burn marks that the string had left before it snapped and sent her crashing to the ground. Shuichi was the only one that she'd trusted with the truth behind it.

Aiko sighed and rested the back of her head against the wall behind her, shrugging off the jacket that she'd only taken off in private for almost the past month. Shuichi was worried about the sudden reappear­ance of her jacket and, no matter how often she showed him her forearms to prove it, he didn't believe that she hadn't started cutting again. No, it hadn't been the cuts that had forced her to wear the damned jacket again. It had been something else.

Remi. A shiver rippled through her body as her boyfriend's name drifted through her thoughts. No, it hadn't been the cuts…it was Remi.

She should have known that the same thing that happened to her mother would end up happening to her as well. Hadn't it been scientifically proven that the daughter of a mother who was involved in an abusive relation­ship was bound to fall into one herself? She sighed.

Remi had seemed to be so kind when she'd first met him in the coffee house that she frequently attended with Eiri, Shuichi and the rest of Bad Luck. His brown eyes always sparkled when he smiled and his face still held that small amount of childishness that just made someone want to hug him. His voice was soft and gentle…so unlike his hands.

Her hands ran up and down her upper arms and she winced slightly at the pressure exerted upon her bruises. One of them slowly trekked up to her face and fingered the cut there deftly.

She could clearly remember the first time that Remi had hit her. They'd been fighting about some insignificant thing or another and Remi had gotten angry because he knew that the point that she was trying to argue was right and his wasn't. Before she'd even had time to prepare herself, his fist was crashed into her lower jaw. He'd apologized after he did it, of course he had, and that was what had made Aiko stay.

Aiko dropped her hand to her side and willed her body to relax, but it wouldn't listen. The numbness that she'd felt before her first suicide attempt was taking its time in overtaking her senses. She hated the numbness and the way that it had always started in her arms before slowly filling her soul. The tightening in her chest that made her want to scream was starting to make an appearance again as well. And she wanted to hurt herself so bad so she could get away from those feelings, but she'd promised Shuichi that she wouldn't. She was usually one to keep her promises unless her sanity relied upon it, as this one did.

She knew that she should tell Shuichi and Eiri about Remi's treatments and her slow descent back into the darkness, but she was too afraid of what they might say. She was afraid to leave Remi because of what he did and she was afraid of admitting her feelings because she was afraid of being put into the hospital again.

The three months that she'd spent in the mental hospital were something that she never wanted to experience again. They'd taken everything away from her and left her to rot. Shuichi was the one who had taught her to feel again, the one who had taught her to love after she had forgotten.

Tears began to well in her eyes and she rested her head in her hands, her fingers pulling mercilessly at her copper-colored hair. Everything was supposed to get so much better once she'd moved in with Eiri and Shuichi, and while she couldn't deny that it had, it had started to go downhill so fast. Her acceptance into Bad Luck was the one thing that had saved her life only a year before, but it didn't seem like anything would be able to save her this time.

"Why me?" she choked through her sobs. "God, why me? What did I ever do to deserve this?"

The sobs overtook her body and she fell from her perch on the large window sill to her floor. She lay curled in the fetal position, incoherent words that were supposed to calm her slipping silently through her lips.

Although her sobs didn't calm, Aiko opened her eyes and settled them on the black manicure set inverted into a safe haven for her blades, antiseptic cream, and bandages. She took a deep breath and grasped the small rectangular case in her hand, hugging it tightly to her chest. With shaking hands, she unzipped the set and tipped it upside down. Four miniature razor blades, a couple of tissues, and a tube of antiseptic fell to the floor.

She reached out and took one of the blades in her hand, shifting it back and forth as she lost herself in the metallic glare of light. With a sigh, she held her arm out before her and placed the edge of the blade near the inside of her elbow. In one swift, unwavering motion she dragged the razor across her skin and watched as the thin line of blood began to bubble up at the opening of the wound before exploding into crimson rivers. She felt the release steal over her senses almost immediately; the weight was lifted from her chest and her sobs slowed until they were just tears, but there was still something there.

After two more quick swipes across her arm with her blade, she wiped the blood away with a tissue but didn't bother to doctor it. She didn't know why she ever had the antiseptic cream since she'd never really used it. The only time she'd used it consistently was when she'd accidentally cut a thick piece of skin from the tip of her thumb while breaking open a razor, and that had been over five years ago.

Someone knocked on her door, and Aiko jumped.

"H-hold on!" she yelled and quickly threw the manicure set back into its hiding spot before pulling her jacket over her shoulders.

She jumped up from the floor and wiped the tears from her cheeks with a thumb. She knew that her eyes were probably bloodshot but she really didn't care. Aiko moved across her room as if she were a marionette, her limbs moving like they were attached thick pieces of string. Before she opened her door, she took one last swipe at her face with her thumb, and after a heavy sigh, she pulled it open.

It was Shuichi. When she moved away from the doorway, he followed her into he bedroom and closed the door behind him.

"What are you doing, Aiko?" It wasn't a nice question, it was a conviction.

She grabbed onto whatever strings of her sanity she had left and put up her best fake smile. "What do you mean, Shu-chan?"

He scowled at her and she winced beneath the intensity of it. "You know what I mean, Aiko. You never leave your room unless you're going to the studio or to see Remi anymore. I'm starting to get worried."

Aiko shrugged and took a seat on her bed, crossing her arms over her chest in a defensive gesture, but she refused to answer him. She heard Shuichi sigh from across the room and closed her eyes so she wouldn't have to see the angry disappointment on his face. She heard his footsteps as he crossed the room and felt the bed sink as he took a seat next to her.

"I want to know what's going on with you, Aiko," he whispered and an arm was draped across her shoulders. "Is it so wrong for me to be worried about my little sister?"

Aiko sighed and pulled herself out of Shuichi's embrace. She stood from her seat on her bed and crossed her room until she was standing in front of her window again, her eyes gazing longingly at the free grove of trees just beyond the property line.

"Aiko," Shuichi whispered, "will you please take your jacket off?"

Aiko's eyes grew to the size of platters and her shoulders tensed, two things that she knew wouldn't go unnoticed by Shuichi's keen eyes.

"Please," he whispered.

She shook her head and Shuichi sighed.

"If you do this for me, I'll quit pestering you, okay? I just want to…make sure that you're not hiding anything from me that you shouldn't be."

She shook her head again, her hair flying around her face like wings of copper. "I-I can't, Shu," she whispered. "You just don't understand what will happen if I tell you."

Shuichi was up from her bed and at her side in a matter of seconds. She could hear the almost silent growls that always signaled his anger and that he was on the borderline of a personality turnabout. Aiko couldn't stop the tears from falling down her face as she kept her eyes locked on the horizon, refusing to look at Shuichi for the fear of what she would see in his eyes.

"Look at me, Aiko!" he snarled.

She shook her head again and braced herself for what was to come—the loud crack and the pain that would leave her blinded by white lights—but it never came. Instead, Shuichi wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him. The sobs that overtook her body before she could tell her mind to make them do otherwise left her a broken mess in Shuichi's arms, and she buried her face in his chest.

"I'm…so…scared, Shu…ichi," she sobbed. "I…just dunno…what…to do."

"Shh…" Shuichi whispered words in her ear to calm her down and ran one hand gently up and down her back, the other through her hair in long, even strokes.

When the sobs finally calmed to a reasonable level, Aiko pulled away from Shuichi and turned her back on him, burying her face in her hands. A battle over what to tell Shuichi and what she should leave to herself waged in her mind.

_'You know that Remi will hurt him if he ever finds out that you told someone.'_

She knew that what her mind told her ways right, but she couldn't ignore the fact that he couldn't bare all of her burdens on her own anymore. That was what had caused her to attempt her suicide in the first place all those years ago, and she didn't want to be reduced to that _"thing"_ that she had been again.

"Remi…," she started. "He hits me whenever I do something wrong." The words were almost silent, but she knew that Shuichi could hear everything that she said. "If I tell him to stop, he just gets worse." She pulled her jacket from her shoulders and let it drop to the ground. "If he finds out that I cut or something, he gets angry and beats me." She turned to face Shuichi and let her bruises finally be exposed.

Shuichi gasped and a hand went up to cover his mouth. His other hand moved up to her arm and its fingers ran lightly over the black and blue marks that covered her flesh. With a sad and self-depreciating smile, Aiko moved her fingers to her face, where they danced over the cut on her left cheek.

"It's the worst when he knows that my side of the argument is right and his isn't," she muttered. "He gets really angry then."

She ignored the tears that were falling from her eyes and scorned herself for the tears that had begun to well in Shuichi's.  
"How long?" Shuichi managed to choke through his tears. "How long have you been keeping this from Eiri and me?"

Aiko shrugged. "I don't know. About a month now."

His jaw dropped and his hands fell slack at his side. "You're barely been with him for a month," he whispered.

She hung her head. "I know."

Shuichi sighed and he wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder. "You know that I love you, right?" he whispered into her ear. She nodded. "And you know that I'd give my life for you, right?" She nodded again and shivered at the cool gust of his breath against the back of her neck as he chuckled quietly.

He grabbed onto her shoulders and turned her around so she was facing him. She kept her gaze locked to the ground, but he put a hand beneath her chin and forced her face up. She refused to let herself look him in the eye, though. Shuichi sighed again.  
"I love you, Aiko," he whispered and planted a soft kiss on the cut on her cheek before leaving her alone in her room.

It wasn't until she heard the door close and Shuichi's footsteps slowly made their ways down the staircase that Aiko fell to her knees and broke down into tears. She pulled madly at her hair and squeezed her eyes closed, trying to force her memories from her mind as well as trying to force herself from her body. She lifted her head and stared at her broken reflection in the mirror, a smile on her face despite the fount of tears that seemed never-ending.

"You're such a fuck up and a liar, Aimee," she growled. "Did you honestly think that you'd change your past just by changing your name and hair color?" She stared at her reflection coldly. "Coward."

She grabbed onto her window sill to help her get to her wobbling feet and used different objects in her room as leverage until she was standing in front of her mirror. She twined a lock of her red hair around a finger innocently, remembering the days when it had been a dirty blonde, before she lashed out at her reflection.

Her soul shattered into hundreds of thousands of little pieces, falling to the floor in a shower of glass. The pieces that wedged their way into her fist chewed madly at her nerves. She relished in the pain and wanted more of it.

_'Make yourself suffer like you've made everyone else suffer, you lying bitch! You should have died four years ago. You were the witness. You watched as your life source drained from your body, too much blood for you to have lived. But you did, and it was all because of _him_. And what did you do to thank him?…'_

"I ran away," she whispered, the unhindered truths that spouted from her mind boring holes through the composure she'd never had in the first place.

The largest shard of glass on the floor gleamed out of the corner of her eye. She stared down at it in a daze, a mild wince crossing her face as her reflection sneered up at her with a violent gleam in her eye.

_'Kill her. She's not who you are now, so why suffer with her? Kill her and force her to be gone away from you and your family.'_

Aiko sighed and sat in her desk's chair. Slowly, she pulled a piece of loose-leaf paper from the folder on the desk's top and grabbed a pen from the drawer. The pen connected with paper in a furious scribble as Aiko apologized to Shuichi and Eiri for all that she was about to do. She explained everything that had happened to her in the past, everything that had happened to her with Remi…everything that had driven her to be the wreck of a person that she was.

When the letter was finished, Aiko slowly folded in half, wrote Shuichi and Eiri's names on the front, and tore a piece of tape from the dispenser. She stood from her seat and strode across her bedroom. She pulled open the door and, with shaking hands, taped the letter to the faux wood surface. She closed the door, praying that Shuichi would stall and read the letter before opening the door and finding her cold, pale body.

Aiko closed her door and returned to the shattered mirror. The largest shard of glass still held the reflection of her inner demon, the girl she'd tried and failed to abandon all those years ago. Aiko fell to her knees and gripped the shard in her hand. Her reflection sneered at her, almost as if it were daring her to do what her mind was telling her to do.

"You don't have the balls," it was saying. "You don't have the balls to get away from me."

She squeezed her eyes closed and pressed the sharp edge of the glass against her wrist. She could feel the blood pulsing through the vein, begging to be shed, begging to be free from the demon that tainted it. With a little pressure, she dragged the glass across her wrist, jerking only slightly at the pain, and cracked open an eye to see that her heart was doing its job. The blood was pumping from the gash like a waterfall.

With her eyes opened this time, she cut her right wrist and watched the blood flow away.

Her body quickly became faint, her vision growing grey around the edges as she allowed herself to fall sideways onto the floor. She watched as her blood soaked into the carpet, staining the dull tan a vibrant crimson. But something didn't feel right. Her life was dangling by barely a string, yet she felt as if she was going to be saved.

Aiko let her eyes drift closed and a heavy sigh escaped from her lips. Even though she was ready to give her amazing second chance at life up to get away from her past, Aimee wouldn't allow it. She could feel her old self fighting for all she was worth, her hands in a death grip around the strings of her sanity.

The welcoming arms of unconsciousness drew Aiko into their embrace. Somewhere in the distance she heard footsteps, but she was too far gone to care.

**-------------**

Something wasn't right. It was only a given that he was worried about Aiko after getting the information out of her that he had, but his mind wouldn't stop circling around the woman. She had seemed so broken, so lost…so ashamed of everything that she had come to symbolize. She said that she knew that Shuichi loved her, but did she really?

Shuichi closed his eyes and rested his forehead in his hands. Something definitely wasn't right. If only Eiri were there so he would have someone to talk to and let his worries out.

_'You idiot, the only way for you to calm down is go check on her and prove to yourself that she's fine.'_

"But I told her that I'd leave her alone," he whispered.

_'What if this is your sixth sense kicking in?'_

Shuichi sighed and opened his eyes. While he doubted that he had sixth sense, he knew that his head was right. The only way to settle his thoughts would be to make sure that she was as fine as he hoped she was.

He left the living room and began his trek up the stairway, each step creaking quietly beneath his feet. The house was quiet…to quiet. A sudden wave of urgency overtook Shuichi's sense and he broke into a run. He had to keep a hand on the railing to keep himself from flying into the wall as he rounded the corner on the second story landing and began his ascent up the second flight of stairs.

Dread swelled in the pit of his stomach when his feet mounted the last step of the stairway. It had been silent on the first story, but it was even worse up here. He knew that Aiko would turn her Beethoven CD on as a calming mechanism whenever she was upset, but there wasn't the slightest hint of "Moonlight Sonata Op. 27 No. 2" echoing in the corridor.

Shuichi swallowed the lump in his throat and began his trek toward her room. The hallway seemed to grow with every step that he took, lengthening and stretching so far away from him that it seemed that reaching the door to Aiko's room would be impossible. And the fact that it felt as if his feet were sinking into quick-drying cement didn't help matters any better. Each foot felt like it weighed a hundred pounds, and he felt like Igor as he dragged them down the hallway beneath him.

The sense of panic that had filled his body, heart, and soul when he'd first set foot on the third story grew ten-fold for no reason whatsoever. Aiko's room was finally beginning to grow closer with each step taken.

_'Please be okay, Aiko. Please. Prove to me that my mind is just playing games with me.'_

Before he knew it, Shuichi was finally standing in front of the barrier that separated himself from Aiko, and although he knew he should open the door, his hand gravitated to the piece of paper that was taped to the door's surface.

His name was scrawled across the folded paper in Aiko's undeniable chicken scratch handwriting. His hands shaking, Shuichi unfolded the paper and stared at the long letter. It was written in English, something that he never knew that Aiko knew. After reading the first line of the letter, he knew that he was going to be learning a lot of new things about his "little sister".

_Dear Shuichi and Eiri…_

_There are a lot of things that I never told you, things that I have to tell you before it's too late. I know that I'm taking the coward's way out in more than one way tonight, but I would never be able to tell you these things to your face because I'm too ashamed. If there was ever a day when I could look you in the eye and tell you the story of my life, I would do it myself, but unfortunately, I don't have the time to wait for that day…_

_I have lied to you for the past two and a half years. My name is not Aiko Kamiya. That is an alias that I created when I ran from the hospital the first time. I'm really Aimee Selden. I dyed my hair burgundy from it's normal dirty blonde color and changed my name to get away from the sad, pitiful little girl that I was before my first suicide attempt…_

_I know that I told you that I was adopted by a kind Japanese family. Well…that was lie, as well. I was born in America…New York. Not New York City, but a small town about three hundred miles away from there. It was little town known as Pulaski. Coincidentally, this town is only an hour away from where Ryuichi once lived, but that's not what matters…_

_What matters is that my father beat my mother. It started when I was nine years old. Six months after he began taking his anger out on her, he chose to hurt me as well. Six years later, my mom surprised me with an envelope full of money and told me to run away. I didn't want to go without her, but she refused to leave. So I left…_

_I was almost fifteen years old when I first arrived here. I had no family, no friends. I was able to afford an apartment and live on my own. I registered for school and started in the middle of the school year. It was different and I knew barely enough Japanese to get around. The only reason I survived was because of a boy named Takeru Kamiya. He helped me, taught me his language, and became my best friend. After year of friendship we began dating and after another six months, I moved in with him. Everything should have been perfect, but I couldn't forget everything that my dad did to me and my mom with I lived in America…_

_I remember the date like it was yesterday. March 12th. Takeru's parents had gone to Kyoto to visit family and Takeru had gone to the grocery store. Memories haunted my mind all day…the sound of my father's scream refused to leave my head. Only minutes after Takeru had left, I wandered into the kitchen and cut my wrists with one of the knives from the butcher's block…_

_I woke up in a hospital the next day and screamed like I had never screamed before. It was a scream of anguish, despair, anger… Before I knew what was happening, I was enveloped in someone's arms. It was Takeru. As luck would have it, he'd forgotten the grocery list and had returned home after I had lost consciousness. He called 911 and saved the life of someone who had desperately wanted to die. That night when he left, I ran. I was connected only to an IV. I tore the needle out of the top of my hand and crawled out my window. I was on the second story. I know that I could have jumped if I'd wanted to, but I was too afraid of heights. Instead, I climbed down using the bricks as leverage and ran when I reached the ground…_

_I don't know how far I made it, but I came to in Wellstone. I asked the doctors what had happened and they said that someone had found me unconscious on the street. When they saw my bandaged wrists, they took me there…_

_I was there for three months before you got there, Shuichi…_

_I can't deny that the past few years have been great, but there have been other things that I haven't told you. Remi isn't the person that I made him out to be. While he was kind at first, he changed. Just like home, I was abused again. I'm sorry that I never told you about him before, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I didn't want you to worry about me…_

_But now you won't have to do that anymore because I'm going to go to a place where no one can hurt me. I'll be free. Please, if you could, call the number I have written at the bottom of the page. You will reach Takeru with it. Yes, I have been talking to him so he won't be mad that you're calling about the person who abandoned him almost three years ago. He's the only one I've told about Remi. I want him to know that I love him with all of my heart and that I thank him for everything he offered Aimee in the past and Aiko this past year…_

_Well…I guess that's it. I want you both to know that I'm sorry for everything that I've put you through. I can't even tell you guys how much I love you and how thankful I am that you are my friends…my family. You both gave me love and support and changed me, but it wasn't enough to make me forget. I'm sorry…_

_I love you both…thank you for everything…_

_Aimee_

_(417-2644)…Please call him for me…_

The letter drifted to the ground as it fell from Shuichi's shaking hands. The words burned through his heart and rang in his mind. Aiko wasn't Aiko, she was…Aimee? But why had she hidden it from him? From them? She should have known that they wouldn't think any less of her for her past. They had been through too much together for something like that to get between them. Tears filled his eyes and he picked the letter up from the floor. He couldn't bring himself to read it again; he just shoved it into his pocket.

Shuichi rapped lightly on the door with a knuckle, but there was no answer. He got the same response after another knock. With a heavy, shaking sigh, Shuichi closed his eyes and rested his hand on the door's handle. An electric shockwave seemed to tingle up his arm from the contact with the metal, but he refused to turn and run away. Aiko needed his help.

He applied a little pressure to the handle and the door slowly squeaked open. Even when he knew that the door was standing completely open, though, Shuichi couldn't bring himself to open his eyes. He was too overcome by fear of what he would see to take the chance.

_'If she was alright, she would've said something when you knocked. But she didn't. And now you're standing in the open doorway to her room and she still hasn't said anything. She had a damn letter taped to her door. She's dying, Shuichi! Open your eyes and see if she's okay, you coward!'_

The scent of blood overwhelmed Shuichi like a tsunami. Memories that he'd tried so hard to forget were brought forth in the tidal wave.

_…He was lying on the kitchen floor, blood pouring from the two wounds carved deep into his wrists and the word MASOCHIST was spelled down his left arm. Eiri was pounding on his front door, shouting his name as if he thought he would answer. He was drowning in a sea that smelled strongly of copper and there was no way for him to resurface…_

Shuichi squeezed his eyes against the memories and forced himself to take a few stabilizing breaths. That was all in the past and it wouldn't happen again. He refused to let himself be reduced to that again.

With his mind set, Shuichi begrudgingly opened his eyes and time seemed to stand still. A hand immediately shot up to his mouth to keep him from vomiting at what he saw. Aiko was sprawled across her bedroom floor, her hair a coppery halo around her head, and a constant flow of blood poured from both of her wrists, seeping into the carpet.

"AIKO!"

He ran into the room, but just like her door, Aiko's body seemed to grow father away with every stride he took. Her face was pale, so pale; too pale for her to be alive, but he refused to give up hope. He refused to turn his back on his best friend when she was dying.

Then again, like he had at Aiko's door, Shuichi found himself on his knees at Aiko's side, lifting her into his arms as he frantically checked for a pulse. It was still there. Light, faint, and fading, but still there.

He was fighting a losing battle against his eyes. The harder he tried to keep them open, the harder they tried to close. Shuichi forced them to dart madly around the room for something to stem the blood flow and work as a makeshift tourniquet until he could call the paramedics. The only suitable things that he found were T-shirts. He grabbed four of them and wrapped one around each wrist, the others tight around the inside of each elbow to slow the flow of blood from her body.

His shaking hands fumbled with his cell phone in his pocket until they had it out on the free air. He hit the three buttons for the dispatcher so hard that he was surprised the phone didn't fall apart from the force. When the dispatcher finally answered the phone, Shuichi tried his hardest to calm his emotions, finally taking the time to realize that he was crying.

He told the calm woman what had happened and thanked her profusely when she said that the ambulance and crew were on their way. He let his phone drop to the floor when she hung up.

Shuichi gathered Aiko into his arms and cradled her head against his chest.

_'She can't die. She just can't. I don't know what I'll do if she dies. Is this what Eiri felt whenever he found me? Did he feel this helpless? This lost? This broken?'_ He used a thumb to wipe the tears from his face. _'Why, Aiko?'_

Then something in his mind clicked.

"Remi." The name slipped past his lips like an icy river.

_'I'll kill that bastard.'_

Shuichi gazed down upon Aiko, her face blurred by his tears, and ran a thumb gently up and down one of her cheeks. She looked so peaceful as she lay there, almost as if she'd been able to escape from those memories that had haunted her for years. Did people always look like this after attempting suicide? He shook his head. It was not the time to be thinking things like that.

The ambulance arrived within ten minutes, but it felt like it had taken ten years. Shuichi could do nothing but watch as the paramedics checked Aiko's pulse and hastily connected her to oxygen. They lifted her onto the gurney and carted her down the stairs and into he patiently awaiting ambulance.

He knew that he should stay and wait for Eiri to get home, but Shuichi couldn't refuse when he was given the invitation to accompany Aiko to the hospital. The screaming sirens blared, echoing through the hills and Shuichi's clouded mind, and the ambulance pulled out of the driveway at full speed.

Somewhere between the house and the hospital, Shuichi called Eiri and told him about what had happened. The blonde was frantic and asked Shuichi six times which hospital they were taking Aiko to before he got off the phone and agreed to meet them there.

While they awaited news on Aiko's blood transfusion, Shuichi let Eiri read the letter she had written them. Eiri had the same response to the letter as Shuichi had and immediately began asking questions the raven-haired man couldn't answer. The two fell into tears and were left to try and comprehend the letter on their own.

Some time after that, a doctor came out to talk to them about Aiko's condition. They could tell from the expression on his face that things weren't going as they had hoped.

"She's lost a lot of blood," he said.

Shuichi sighed and frowned, voicing the question that had been on his mind since finding her. "Is she going to be okay? Will she live?"

"We can't determine that yet," the doctor sighed. "Worst case scenario is if her heart gives out before the transfusion is completed. Best scenario is that it doesn't and she goes on. But even if it doesn't give, that still doesn't mean she'll pull through." He sighed again. "She'll still be in critical condition and there will be a fifty-fifty chance of her surviving or passing."

Shuichi nodded and slumped down into the uncomfortable plastic chair he sat in.

"How long will it be until we know for sure?" Eiri muttered.

The doctor shrugged. "I can't answer that."

"Can't answer it? What do you mean you can't answer it? You're the doctor! You're the one who's supposed to know if the person you're caring for is going to live or if they're going to die," he yelled, his voice laced with tears. "If you don't know, then who does?"

"Only God knows, Mister Uesugi," the doctor said with a bow and left them in silence.

The rest of the night was a blur of extreme sadness and a non-stop flow of tears. The doctor had returned to the waiting room half and hour after he'd first visited them and gave them the news that there still wasn't any definite news on Aiko's condition. He told Eiri that he should take Shuichi home, and that if anything changed in her progress, the hospital would call them immediately.

Eiri nodded and pulled the struggling, shouting Shuichi out to the car and loaded him into it. When they got to the house, he carried Shuichi inside and up to their bedroom. He calmly and carefully changed him into his pajamas and laid him out on their bed. Even though they knew that neither of them would get any sleep, it was comforting to know that they weren't alone at the moment; that someone was suffering as much as they were, maybe even more.

The night of March fifth was cold and a storm brewed in the deep, midnight sky above as Aimee Selden took her final breath.

TBC…

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A/N: Dun, dun, dun… Sorry for those of you who liked Aiko! I didn't want to kill her, honest! I mean, that was like killing me since she's supposed to be me…_sighs_… Anyway, because she left me hangin' halfway through this bastard, I'm gonna hand the rest of this note over to Waverly…_smiles innocently at her muse and skips off to watch Loveless_…

Waverly: _glares the back of Kolie's head and wishes she had some rocks to throw at her_…I hate it when she leaves me with these stupid jobs. Ugh! I could kill her…_schemes_…

Anyway…I guess that I should explain some things for Kolie before you go and start thinking she's a freak or something like that. Well, you probably already think that she's a freak, but that doesn't matter…

Okay…first. Not that many of you probably remember that I said that Aiko was Kolie, but for those of you who do… One…she doesn't have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) so isn't involved in an abusive relationship. And, while part of the letter came from her own past, she was never abused by her father…

Two…for the first time in two years, she's not suicidal at this point and time. Okay, lemme rephrase that… She hasn't been suicidal non-stop for the past two years; it just always seems to be this time of the year (mainly Feb. and March). Even though her parents have split, she hasn't cut or hurt herself in any other way for a month now and she's very proud of that. And, as much as I hate her, I am too… I don't think I have anything else to clarify for her, though…

Anywho…thank you sooo much to all of you who reviewed and your patience in waiting for Kolie to have the rest of this bastard re-uploaded so we could continue. You all are amazing and we don't deserve you… We love you guys so much…

Alright…before I leave I want to apologize for any typos and stuff that Kolie did wrong in this chapter. Please don't hurt her…or me! Just kidding. You can hurt her if you want to…_throws and even at an oblivious Kolie_…_sighs_… Please do. It'll save me the job of having to hide her body…

Anyway…Ja matta! And see y'all in grand ole' chapter 26, getting ever closer to the end of the world that Kolie's rather disturbed mind created… With help from Maki Murakami-sama, of course…

_gets distracted by all the pretty bishies and big-boobed Yuiko's on the TV screen_… Ritsuka's sooo cute! Soubi's just creepy…


	26. Poetic Tragedy

Well…when I originally began this chapter, Aiko had lived at the end of the last chapter and was going to tell Shuichi about her past. There was no suicide note, just him and Eiri finding out about her identity from the doctor and then questioning Aiko about it later… But now…it's completely changed…_sighs and shrugs_… I tried to write this by keeping Aiko alive, really, I did, but I just got blocked and couldn't describe her past in a way that seemed to be the least bit interesting… Oh, well…

Anywho…on with the chapter, I guess…

**Disclaimer:** Maki Murakami-sama owns _Gravitation_, and I am not Maki Murakami-sama… Aiko's song "Metal Heart" by Garbage…and the song "Poetic Tragedy" belongs to, you guessed it, The Used. I only own Takeru and the "she" in "Poetic Tragedy" because I had to change it from "he" so it would make sense…

**Poetic Tragedy…**

The news had come as a shock. The phone had rang at one o'clock in the morning and Eiri answered it in his groggy voice, already awake because his insomnia was raging again. The cup of coffee he'd had in his hand clattered to the ground and shattered, spilling scalding hot coffee all over the floor and on his feet, but he didn't feel the physical pain. The emotional pain set in like a tidal wave, overcoming his body and drowning him in its torment.

The moment he'd hung up the phone, Eiri what had dashed upstairs, shaking Shuichi awake. The man mumbled and tried to push him away, but Eiri forcefully pulled him out of bed.

"She's dead, Shuichi," he cried. "Aiko's gone."

**-------------**

The hospital seemed colder than it had only hours ago. The walls felt like they were closing in a little more every second and he couldn't keep the shivers from rippling through his body. Even though he sat enveloped in Eiri's arms, the warmth wouldn't penetrate his bones. His body was as numb as his soul had been the second he'd heard the news.

When they'd arrived, the doctor had told Shuichi and Eiri what had happened, going to the point of telling them her time of death. Unable to control his emotions any longer, Shuichi had let out a painful wail and slumped slowly to his knees, his face buried in his hands. Eiri had fallen next to him and wrapped his arms around him. He'd picked him up and moved with him to the nearest chair, cradling Shuichi in his lap until he'd calmed.

Though he was calm now, Shuichi couldn't keep the pain from digging deeper and deeper into his heart. Aiko was dead…his sister was gone forever.

**-------------**

Aiko had taken the liberty of preparing her funeral after her first suicide attempt in case she tried and succeeded at a future time. The only things that Shuichi and Eiri had to do was the most difficult of them all—alert the people closest to them and Aiko of the dates and times of the wake and funeral.

As the people lined up at the wake to give Aiko one last visit at her open coffin, he stood in the background, his shoulder length black hair pulled back into a neat ponytail with just enough bangs hanging down to shield his pain filled face.

Takeru Kamiya had made sure that he had been one of the first ones to arrive at the wake services so he could give Aiko her goodbyes in a semi-private fashion. The only people he'd talked to out of the entire group were Eiri and Shuichi, the two people who had been kind enough to call and tell him of her untimely demise. And even now, when there were plenty of other people he could be talking to, Shuichi would retreat to the back of the funeral home ever so often to give Takeru some company and let him know that he wasn't alone.

As the raven-haired singer weaved his way through the crowd and back toward Takeru, the man swiped a hand over his eyes in a failed attempt to dry the tears that had fallen. Shuichi offered him a small, weak smile that was full of pain instead of happiness, and Takeru returned the favor with the same effort and emotion.

"She was an amazing person," Shuichi said.

Takeru nodded and tucked a strand of his long hair behind his ear. "Yes, she was. She was a beautiful person who never should have suffered through the things that she had."

Shuichi nodded but kept silent, as much as he didn't want to admit it, Takeru was glad that the man took the time to stand with him when he knew everyone else in the room around them. He'd barely known Takeru for an hour and yet he treated him as if he was a brother.

"I know that it may be hard and that you don't know anyone here, but would you speak a few words about Aimee for us? You're the one she's known the longest and the one whom she trusted the most."

Takeru fell silent and dropped his emerald green eyes to the hardwood floor. Speak a few words about Aimee? He would love to, but he didn't know what to say. There were just so many good things about the woman that he couldn't fathom ever putting them into one simple speech.

Shuichi seemed to sense his hesitation and he laid a soft hand on Takeru's shoulder. "I know that it will be hard and that it's difficult to decide what to say about her, but jut use a memory. What's the one thing that you remember the most about her?"

Through his tears, a smile twitched at the corners of Takeru's lips as he thought about his most treasured memory between Aiko and himself. He nodded. "I'd be honored to be giving the chance to be a part of my best friend's eulogy."

Shuichi thanked him with a smile and small pat on the shoulder. "When would be the easiest time for you to speak?"

Takeru sighed and closed his eyes, lost in a moment of thought. "Somewhere in the middle, I think."

Shuichi nodded. "You can go after Ben if you want."

Takeru nodded, and Shuichi dismissed himself with another small smile.

Sometime between the visiting and the eulogies there was an uproar at the front doors of the funeral home. Takeru took a moment out of his silent solitude to join the crowd and try to find out what the problem was. He saw the cause of the ruckus almost immediately.

Remi was standing on the home's front porch, a bouquet of roses wrapped in his arms. Shuichi was yelling at the young man so hard that his face was red and tears were streaming down his face. Eiri had a cautious arm wrapped around the raging man's waist to keep him from hitting Remi, but Takeru could tell that it was taking everything the blonde had to keep from snapping Remi's neck.

It took a while, but Remi soon left, leaving the bouquet of roses on the step of the porch, and everyone returned to the main room where Aiko was laid out.

Shuichi was the first to give his tearful eulogy. He shared the story of how he'd met Aiko in the hospital and how he'd grown to love and care for her as if she was his own flesh and blood. He revealed some of the darker days he'd had and how Aiko had helped Eiri to pull him from his pit.

Eiri followed Shuichi. He told everyone how lucky he was to have met as great and beautiful a person as Aiko and that he was honored to have had her as a sister-in-law of sorts. This declaration elicited several small gasps from the few people in the crowd who didn't know of Eiri and Shuichi's long relationship.

A few others that Takeru didn't know followed, but after Ben went, he reluctantly pulled himself from the shadows and walked up to the podium.

"Hello," he said. "Many of you may no know who I am, so let me introduce myself. I am Takeru Kamiya, a long time friend of Aimee. A friend from before the person known as Aiko was ever created.

"Aimee was an amazing person and kind person. She never thought of herself, it was always everyone else when it came to her." He sighed. "The best example I can come up with to describe this is after she first moved to Japan over six years ago.

She hadn't yet attended her first day of school in Japan and I had never seen her face nor heard her name, but I saw her while I went for a walk one day in the park. At that time she knew barely any Japanese and couldn't comprehend much more than the word "baka" when someone spoke to her. But a young girl had tripped and fallen in the park and broken her ankle. Aimee, being the kind person that she is, stopped and tried to ask the girl if she was okay, but she couldn't understand a word that fell from her mouth. The girl's twisted ankle was enough, though." A small laugh slipped past his lips. "She called the hospital, but couldn't get through to them. She hung up the phone and whispered to the girl that she would be okay before she picked her up in her arms and physically carried her to the hospital. She didn't care that she had someplace else to be or go; all she cared about was helping the little girl get out of her pain."

He gave a small smile to finish off his speech and disappeared back into the shadows of the back of the home, where Shuichi was already standing and waiting for him.

"Thank you," he said and gave Takeru a hug.

"No problem," Takeru muttered when they pulled apart, wiping away his few stray tears. "Thank you for giving me the opportunity."

Shuichi laughed quietly. "I couldn't have not had you speak here unless I didn't know that you were here. I may call her my sister, but she's truly yours. She always was."

Takeru shook his head. "No. Even though I knew her longer than you, I know that she cared the world about you and Eiri. The two of you were all she ever talked about when we got together."

Shuichi smiled and clapped Takeru on the shoulder. "You're going to leave now, aren't you?" Takeru nodded and Shuichi smiled again. "Will you keep in touch?"

"You have my phone number if I don't," Takeru said with the first almost happy smile he'd shown in days.

Shuichi nodded and smiled in return and let Takeru leave the home. Before climbing into his car, Takeru threw one last glance back at the building and waved at Shuichi, who was standing in one of the large floor to ceiling windows. Then he started his car and sped off in a cloud of dust.

**-------------**

"What a week," Shuichi sighed as he and Eiri walked into their home the night after Aiko's funeral.

Eiri nodded. "Yes, and I have a feeling that it won't get any easier for a while."

Shuichi hesitated for a moment then nodded his head. He shrugged his black sports jacket from his shoulders and threw it on the arm of the couch, loosening his tie with his free hand. Eiri's arms wrapped around his waist from behind and the blonde buried his face in the crook of Shuichi's shoulder. He sighed and let his head fall back onto Eiri's shoulder.

"I love you," Eiri whispered, his body shaking.

Shuichi frowned and turned around in his embrace. "And I you," he whispered, wiping away some of Eiri's tears. "Are you okay?"

Eiri nodded. "Yeah, I just…you have no idea how many times I was afraid of losing you. How many times I was afraid that I would have to see your cold body laid out in a casket and watch it be lowered into the ground."

Shuichi's frown deepened and he grasped Eiri's face in his hands. "Don't worry about me," he whispered and kissed Eiri softly on the lips. "It'll be fine. I've gotten better."

"I thought that Aiko had gotten better, but look what happened and…" The rest of Eiri's words slurred into incoherency as he was overcome by sobs.

Shuichi sighed and wrapped his arms around Eiri, burying his face in the man's chest.

"I love you, Shuichi. So much. You have no idea."

Shuichi nuzzled his face against Eiri's shirt and breathed in the deep scent of his exotic cologne. "I love you too, Eiri."

Shuichi pulled himself out of Eiri's arms and grasped his hand, pulling the man upstairs with him and into their bedroom. He slowly undressed Eiri down to his boxers and then himself before pulling the man over to their bed and collapsing onto it. He snuggled into his usual spot, Eiri's side, and draped an arm across Eiri's chest. Eiri's tears had stopped but his hand was still shaking when it went up to rake through Shuichi's hair.

"Promise me…," Eiri whispered. "Promise me that… Promise me…"

"I'll stay with you forever, Eiri. I won't leave your side."

Eiri sighed and his arms tightened around Shuichi's body. "Thank you."

Shuichi responded by snuggling deeper into Eiri's side. Aiko was gone and there was nothing that he could do to bring her back, but he still had Eiri. He wasn't alone and he would make sure that he kept it that way.

**-------------**

The whole of Bad Luck was still grieving when they returned to the studio the week after Aiko's funeral processions, but Shuichi was still the one that was the most withdrawn. Everyone had been expecting it. He had been the closest of them to Aiko, after all, and it was never easy losing someone you loved.

The first song that Aiko had written and sang on their album was repeating in their ears, the hidden meaning behind the words now painfully obvious. The song poured from the stereo's speakers, echoing in the silent studio. It started in a haunting sort of way with nothing but piano, synthesizers, and her bass backing her words up before the guitars joined in during the chorus.

'_I wish I had a metal heart,  
I could cross the line.  
I wish that I was half as good  
as you think I am._

'_But now that we know for sure  
they're telling lies when they say  
no one gets hurt and therefore nobody dies.  
You know it's hard to believe anything that you hear.  
They say the world is round.'_

The synthesizer beats shook the walls and group's soul. Shuichi stifled a sob and Hiro laid an arm across his shoulders for comfort. Ben and Suguru simply stared blankly at the walls. K and Sakano had already left the room.

'_Wish I was as big as you;  
you'd have to tell the truth.  
I'd be nothing you could hurt,  
nothing you could use._

'_But now that we know for sure  
they're telling lies when they say  
no one gets hurt and therefore nobody dies.  
You know it's hard to believe anything that you hear.  
They say the world is round.'_

A guitar riff that sounded the opposite of the lyrics filled the studio before being replaced by a better fitting haunting one. It stopped and the synthesizer and drums took over again.

'_I want to be dependable.  
I want to be courageous and good.  
I want to be faithful so I can be heroic and true.  
I want to be a friend you can rely on,  
you can lean on, and trust.  
I want to understand so I can forgive  
and be willing to love.'_

Ben stood up and wiped the tears from his face before leaving the room. Suguru sighed and closed his eyes against the onslaught of tears that threatened to spill over.

'_I wish I wasn't flesh and blood.  
I would not be scared  
of bullets made with me in mind  
for then I could be saved._

'_My sweet Lord take care of me, for I think I'm done.  
Kiss my mother on her cheek and lay my burden down.  
Lay my burden down._

'_But now that we know for sure  
they're telling lies when they say  
no one gets hurt and therefore nobody dies.  
You know it's hard to believe anything that you hear.  
They say the world is round.  
The world is round?  
The world is round?  
The world is round!'_

The end of the song echoed against the walls before coming to an abrupt end. Suguru absentmindedly pushed the off button and silence replaced the loud music.

"I can't believe it," Hiro muttered. "I can't believe she's gone."

Shuichi nodded. "She recorded that song two weeks ago. It seems impossible."

Suguru stood from his chair but didn't say anything.

"Are you going to get the others?" Shuichi asked.

Suguru nodded and left the room.

It wasn't long before the green-haired man had everyone gathered together and back the studio. They sat in an uncomfortable silence for fifteen minutes, none of them acknowledging the other's presence in the room. When he'd had enough of it, Shuichi opened his mouth.

"I wrote a song," he muttered.

The group's ears perked and their attention was turned onto the raven-haired man.

"It's no much, but I wrote it about Aimee." Sadness filled everyone's eyes, but Shuichi wouldn't stop talking. "I know that you probably don't want to hear it, but I had to write it and get it out."

"Can we see the lyrics?" Hiro asked.

Shuichi nodded and dug the wrinkled piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to Hiro.

"'Poetic Tragedy', huh?" Shuichi nodded. "It's definitely a fitting title."

When Hiro was finished reading the song, it was passed around the room so all the others could read it. After each of them finished, they nodded and looked up at Shuichi with all of the appraisal they could muster in their eyes.

"That's wonderful, Shuichi," Ben said as he handed the paper back to him.

Shuichi blushed. "Thank you. I wanted something that would describe her and what she went through and…and to let the fans know that she'll always be in our hearts and that I want them to remember her too. This song is my attempt at putting her name and memory out to the world."

"And what a better way to do it than a song?"

"I also wrote another, but I'll save that for later. It's sorta personal at the moment; my way of trying to get how I feel about all this out in paper."

The group nodded and K stood from his seat.

"I think we should wrap it up for today. Even I admit that we need a break." Everyone nodded in thanks. "I say that we take a week-long break and then come home to see what we can do. None of us are in the frame of mind to do work at the moment."

Shuichi furrowed his brow. "What about the…—"

"The deadline?" Shuichi nodded. "Touma's pushed it back, so don't worry about it."

Shuichi nodded and quietly left the studio without waiting for anyone else. He walked through the halls of NG with his head down and wrapped his arms around himself as he stepped into the piercing late fall air outside. He trudged to his car and drove home precariously, not caring what happened. His mind was in another place. His mind was with Aiko.

**-------------**

Eiri walked into the house with grocery bags gripped tightly in his hands. The house was silent, almost dead. A heavy sense of dread filled his stomach when he realized that Shuichi was supposed to be home. When he'd walked inside, he noticed that none of the windows had been on, but he'd pushed it aside. But that he'd walked inside, he couldn't even hear anything. The television in the living room wasn't on and the hallway up the staircase was pitch-black.

Eiri sighed and dropped the bags off on the kitchen counter. He was over exaggerating, of course he was. He had no reason not to. After losing Aiko the only thing that he'd been able to think about was losing Shuichi as well. The fear of just thinking about it gripped his heart in a tight fist.

He shook his head and quietly went about putting the groceries away in the cabinets and into the refrigerator. Then something caught his attention. It was barely there, but he could hear the sounds of music notes trailing down the stairs just outside the door.

Eiri set the jar of peanut butter he'd had in his hand onto the counter and walked out into the hall. It was louder out there, not much louder but even so, he could tell that the voice belonged to Shuichi. The dread was lifted from his mind and heart and Eiri mounted the stairs.

The door to Shuichi's "study" was just barely ajar and Eiri could now hear the lyrics to the song.

"…_cries out to God  
__or just no one  
__Is there a point to this madness?  
__And all that she was…  
__Is just a tragedy…"_

Tears filled the blonde's eyes as he realized who had inspired the song. Aiko… Silently, Eiri pushed the door open and stepped into the room. Shuichi was sitting at his electric keyboard, his fingers dancing over the keys and his eyes closed as he lost himself in the music. Silent tears were falling down his face but they left the music untainted.

"_She feels alone  
__Her heart in her hand  
__She's alone  
__She feels alone  
__I feel…_

_Then on that last day she breaks  
__And she stood tall  
__And she yelled…  
__And she takes her life…"_

The words were mumbled, almost incoherent unless you were really concentrating on them, but Shuichi's voice escalated with every line until he was screaming. Eiri could see that his shoulders were visibly shaking as his fingers kept dancing.

_"Then in violent frustration she cries out to God  
__or just no one  
__Is there a point to this madness?  
__And all that she was…  
__Is just a tragedy."_

Shuichi played out the end of the song on his piano but didn't move when he was finished. His fingers stayed on the keys and he had his eyes locked on the wall in front of him, staring at the only Bad Luck poster that had been made with Aiko included in the group.

"God dammit, Aimee! Why did you have to go!" he screamed. "Why did you have to leave?"

Shuichi collapsed against his piano, a dull musical chord echoing through the room as he landed on the keys, and a sob tore out of his throat. Eiri was at his side in an instant, his arms wrapped around Shuichi to try to get him to calm down.

"She wasn't supposed to leave us. She was supposed to stay with us and be happy. We were supposed to be a family," he cried. "Why did she have to leave?"

"I don't know, Shu," Eiri whispered while he ran his fingers through Shuichi's hair. "I don't know."

Shuichi sat up from the keyboard and wiped his tears away, smiling weakly at Eiri. "Sorry."

Eiri shook his head. "No, you have every right to cry. She was your sister."

"No," Shuichi whispered. "She was Takeru's sister. We took her from him."

Eiri furrowed his brow. "Did he say that?"

Shuichi scowled and glared at Eiri from beneath his bangs. "What do you mean?"

"Did he ever say that to you? Did Takeru ever come up to you and say 'Hey, bastard. Thanks for stealing my little sister?'" Shuichi didn't say anything. "No. He was glad that Aimee had found others to rely on and that she'd finally had a chance to be happy."

Shuichi shrugged and reluctantly stood from his bench. "Well, I would've been upset."

Eiri laughed. "Well, that's why you're not Takeru and he's not you."

Shuichi rolled his eyes and walked out of the room, leaving Eiri behind to smile at him weakly.

It had been two weeks since Aiko's funeral and a week since they'd met with Takeru last, and Shuichi was still blaming himself for everything. Takeru had thanked them for everything that they'd done for Aiko, even told them that she would have never gotten better if it hadn't been for their help, but Shuichi must have been lost in his own world like he usually was nowadays.

But he was still alive and hadn't cut and that was all that Eiri could really ask for. He didn't know what he would do if he'd lost even more people that he'd cared about.

"First Tatsuha, and now Aimee," he whispered and closed his eyes. "One murder and one suicide. Hopefully no one else will leave us."

He sighed and stood from the bench and followed Shuichi's trail downstairs. The raven-haired man was sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the television screen as the video for Bad Luck's latest video played. "Let Go". The song had only been released two days before Aiko's suicide and it had reached number two in less than a week. The fans of Bad Luck loved it.

Eiri closed his eyes and leaned against the doorway while he submersed himself in Aiko's voice. It was beautiful and one could feel the emotion she poured into it, just like Shuichi.

Eiri moved to the couch and sat down by Shuichi. He sighed and curled up into Eiri's side, resting his head on the crook of his shoulder.

"She may be gone, but she'll never be forgotten," Shuichi whispered.

Eiri nodded and gently kissed the top of his head. "Music immortalized her."

TBC…

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

A/N: Yeah…this is kinda short and I won't be surprised if most of you don't like it, but I do like it. I like Takeru too. He won't be a big player in the last chapters, but I had to have him in there for Aiko/Aimee's funeral. You'll see him a few more times, though… Most likely with Eiri and Shu or something…

I don't have much else to say except thank you to:…

**sour-skittlez, yamiKitsune, lovelandkiss, Blue weary black angel, Dhampir, PsychicAlchemist, **and** ku-chan**. You guys are awesome and thank you so much for your reviews…

Alright…off to work on something else or the next chapter. I haven't decided yet. He, he… Thanks again…


	27. Maybe Memories

I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY ABOUT THE LONG WAIT FOR THIS, GUYS! I really am. Everything just started going at once and life just got super crazy. _:sighs:_ But now I'm not in high school anymore. _:cries:_ I'm so sad, but I guess I'll have to move on. College next. _:sighs:_ Great. That should be fun… Plus I've started working on beating Kingdom Hearst while writing a Kingdom Hearts fan fiction and struggling with this and "Unbeating Heartache" and _Rayne_. It's been crazy, to say the least…

Anywho…I hope you all enjoy this!…

**Disclaimer:** Hey, Wave! _:gets a mean glare from Waverly:_ Hey! Don't give me that insolent look! _:Waverly's unfazed:_ Ugh…never mind. Damn…my muse is such a bitch. Anyway, we don't own _Gravitation_, never have and never will… The Used owns "A Box Full of Sharp Objects" and "On My Own" (my two favorite songs)…

**Maybe Memories…**

Shuichi sat in a dark corner of a downtown café, his sunglasses shading his eyes and a beanie over his head to keep him somewhat incognito and warm against the brisk winter air. He tried his hardest to look like he belonged in such a place by himself by forcing himself to read the book he'd brought with him and taking random sips from the steaming cup of cappuccino that sat on the table in front of him.

He really didn't want to be there. He would much rather have been sitting in his nice heated house beneath a nice warm blanket, preferably lying down with his head on Eiri's lap or curled up against the blonde's side while he did the book reading, but he'd promised Takeru that he would meet with him at this café and he had always been one to keep his promises, no matter how late those promises ended up being fulfilled.

The little ring of the Christmas bells that the café owner had hung decoratively on the door to the little shop jingled and Shuichi shivered slightly at the cool breeze that gusted across the café. He shook his head and turned his eyes onto the doorway, a smile twitching at his lips when he saw Takeru walking toward where he was sitting, bundled up in a winter jacket, scarf, and a beanie.

"Hey, Takeru," Shuichi said as Takeru took a seat in the chair across from him.

Takeru replied to him with a weak smile and quickly ordered a latté from the too cheerful waitress that had migrated toward their table with his entry. A quasi-awkward silence hung in the air between them while they waited for his order, neither of them quite sure of what they should say to the other. Finally, when the waitress brought Takeru his steaming Styrofoam cup of coffee, Shuichi gathered the courage to speak.

He lifted his cup to his lips and took a drink. "So…how have you been?" he asked, leaving the rim of the cup against his lips so the steam could warm his icy nose.

Takeru shrugged. "Okay, I guess. It's been different."

Shuichi nodded but couldn't come up with a response that sounded right so he kept his mouth shut and set his cup back on the table. He figured that it was better to sit in awkwardness than to say something that would hurt Takeru's feelings or upset him.

In the two weeks since Aiko's funeral, the two of them had made it a habit to meet on the days that Takeru had usually met with the woman. So far their visits had been filled with plenty of awkward silences and staring off into space, but Shuichi was thankful for the company. Eiri was back to working on his books, something that Shuichi figured was his sort of healing, and they never talked about what had happened.

Shuichi couldn't help but let a small half laugh, half snort slip past his lips. Oh, if only he'd been able to talk about his feelings like this four years ago, then everything would still be the way it was supposed to be. Tatsuha would still be alive and… He cut is thoughts off. He really didn't want to think about the past when the present and future were before him; two things he desperately needed to learn how to conquer in his new shot at life.

"I miss her so much."

Shuichi jumped at the barely whispered words and turned his eyes back on to Takeru. The raven-haired man had taken his beanie off and let his long, messy hair fall freely around his shoulders. He sat kicked back in his chair with a leg propped up and his chin resting on a fist, staring at something on the wall that only he could see.

Shuichi laughed quietly. "Yeah, I know what you mean."

Takeru shook his head and sat straight in his chair before taking another sip from his cup. "But I guess we can't change the past and we'll just have to make the best with what we have, right?"

Shuichi nodded. "That's what they say, so I guess it's worth a try."

The corners of Takeru's lips twitched upward in a small smile and Shuichi laughed.

"Look at us. We're both wrecks."

Takeru furrowed his brow and finally turned his piercing eyes onto Shuichi. "What else are we supposed to be?" he muttered with a small snort. Then he shook his head. "Sorry. That was harsh."

Shuichi shook his head. "No. You're right."

Silence fell between them again and Shuichi searched his mind for something halfway decent and logical to say. When it finally placed itself in the front of his mind, he could have hit himself in the forehead. It was something he'd been meaning to ask Takeru for a while now.

"We're having a party to celebrate the completion of our and Nittle Grasper's latest albums. It would be great if you would come."

Takeru sighed and ran a hand back through his hair in a failed attempt to push his hair out of his face.

"I understand if you already have other plans and stuff, but I just figured I would throw it into the air. If you wanna come you can, but you don't have to."

Takeru shook his head. "It's not that I have plans and it's not that I don't want to, but… I dunno…"

Shuichi furrowed his brow and pulled the annoying beanie off his head that was starting to make it sweat. He stared expectantly at Takeru, but he didn't make a move to say or do anything. Shuichi sighed and clasped his hands together and rested his elbows on the table, propping his chin on top of his fists.

"What is it, Takeru?"

He sighed and shook his head again. "It's nothing, really."

Shuichi frowned. "Liar."

Takeru gasped quietly and looked at Shuichi indignantly. "I am not!" he huffed.

"Oh no?" Shuichi cocked his head to the side. "How come?"

Takeru rolled his eyes. "It doesn't matter. So what if I am lying? It's not gonna kill me or anything."

"Or will it?"

Takeru rolled his eyes again and let a small laugh slip past his lips. Shuichi swore that he could have jumped for joy.

"Ha, ha! I made you laugh!" He did a little dance with his fingers and laughed heartily when Takeru looked at him like he was a complete and utter moron.

"You are such child," Takeru said with a shake of his head.

Shuichi shrugged. "Hey. If my childishness gets people to smile or laugh then I'm gonna use it. No one can resist me! I'm too cute!"

Takeru snorted. "You were cuter back in the day."

Shuichi pouted and flashed his puppy dog eyes but Takeru shrugged it off with a smile. He scowled and crossed his arms over his chest and turned his face away from Takeru to stare at the photos on the wall beside him.

Takeru snorted again. "What happened to all of those 'barely there' clothes anyway? Don't tell me you gave them to charity."

He tried his hardest but Shuichi couldn't keep his laugh at bay. He let it slip past his lips and shook his head at Takeru. "Hell no. I wasn't that shallow."

"I dunno. I hear that you used to be as deep as a puddle."

Shuichi's jaw dropped and he glared at Takeru. "Bastard!"

Takeru laughed and shrugged. "I only speak what they say. Don't blame me if Aimee lied."

Shuichi's jaw fell even further. "She didn't!"

Takeru answered him by losing himself in a violent fit of laughter and, even though he was still angry, Shuichi gave himself over to its infectiousness.

Shuichi loved meetings like this. While every meeting usually started with of plenty of awkwardness, most of them ended with them laughing and bickering like they were childhood friends. It was hard for Shuichi to keep the smile off his face when those arguments happened. Neither of them ever really meant what they said and they always left with a little spring in their step.

After another hour of catching up on the happenings of the past week and random conversations about nothing of much importance, Shuichi checked his watch and nearly fainted at the time.

"Shit!" He jumped up from the table and pulled his beanie over his head. "I was supposed to be at the studio ten minutes ago!"

Takeru smiled at him and stood from the table as well. "That's fine," he said, shaking his head when Shuichi looked at him with the "You're lying" look. "Really. I'll see you in a few days, okay?"

Shuichi frowned. "You sure?"

Takeru nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure. I enjoy our meetings."

A smile bloomed across Shuichi's face and he gave Takeru a quick hug. "Same time, same place?"

"Of course," Takeru said.

Shuichi nodded at his friend one last time and left the money for his coffee on the table before rushing out the door. He _really_ didn't want to get a slug put in him by K, but he had the feeling that it was just what he was going to get.

**-------------**

They say that the mirror is the looking glass into a person's soul; that, no matter what the person is feeling, it will always tell the truth of how they really are on the inside. But that isn't the truth. Different people see different things. He looked into the mirror and saw only hatred, pain…loneliness. His friends looked at his reflection in a mirror and saw what they thought to be happiness, but it was only fake. There was no such thing as happiness in his life anymore. Everything was fake.

Blank blue eyes glared into the identical depths of the ones reflected before him. There was just something about staring into his mirror image that captivated him. What did other people think when they saw the blank shadow in his eyes? What did they think when the saw that his smiles never seemed to reach his eyes anymore? Did they even see?

"You worry too much."

Ryuichi stiffened and his grip on the edge of the bathroom counter tightened until his knuckles were white. He closed his eyes and shook his head.

"Go away," he whispered. "You're not real, just a figment of my imagination. Leave me alone."

A quiet chuckle echoed off the walls of the bathroom and a gentle hand was placed on Ryuichi's shoulder. "I'm real, Ryu." A pair of cold lips were pressed against his temple and then the entity sighed. "Look at me, please. I don't have much time."

Ryuichi shook his head and clenched his eyes closed even harder. No, he wasn't real. This was just proof that he was losing his mind, that he was going crazy. He was dead. He couldn't be with him, no matter how real and comfortable the arms around his waist felt.

A cold splash of water hit Ryuichi's shoulder and made him open his eyes in surprise. He stared at his reflection in the mirror and tried to keep his own tears at bay. Tatsuha was standing behind him, his arms wrapped around his waist and his face buried in the crook of Ryuichi's neck. Ryuichi stared forward in shock, not even noticing the tears that had started to fall.

"Ta…Tatsuha?"

The raven-haired entity froze and looked up at their reflection in the mirror, his eyes locking with Ryuichi's reflected ones. He nodded and tightened his arms around Ryuichi's waist. "Hi, Ryu-kun. I've missed you."

Ryuichi turned around and let himself be gathered into Tatsuha's arms, his sobs muffled in Tatsuha's all too real chest.

"Oh, koibito. I've missed you so much!" Ryuichi sobbed. "You have no idea."

Tatsuha chuckled and his grip around the brunette tightened. "I'm sorry that it took me so long."

Ryuichi sighed and let himself fall into the sound of Tatsuha's voice as he told him what he'd had to go though to be able to see him again. He took a deep breath and surrounded himself with the familiar musty smell that was beginning to fade from their bed and Tatsuha's clothes. For the first time since his emotionally induced night with Noriko, he felt safe.

"How long can you stay?"

Tatsuha sighed. "Not long. But next time will be different, I promise."

Ryuichi felt his heart soar at the words as he grabbed on to Tatsuha's hand and pulled him to their bedroom. He laid down and pulled Tatsuha down with him, snuggling into his lover's warmth. "You're sure there will be a next time?"

"If I have my way, yes."

Tatsuha pulled Ryuichi so close that their bodies could have been one. "I love you, Ryu. Really, I do. And I'm sorry for everything that happened before the accident."

"You don't have anything to apologize for, Tat-kun. It's all my fault. It's my fault that you got so depressed. It's my fault that you're…" A sob hitched in his throat. "…that you're not here anymore. I'm…so…sor…ry."

Tatsuha cooed in Ryuichi's ear and ran gentle fingers through his hair to calm his tears. "It's alright, Ryu-kun. That's all in the past. You need to move on and head toward your future. I'm not coming back to life. I can't. It's impossible."

Ryuichi shook his head and pulled away from Tatsuha's chest. "How could you say that!" he shouted. "How can you tell me to move on? I put you through hell and I'll never be able to forgive myself for it."

Tatsuha smiled, his grey eyes shining with astral tears, and he shook his head. "You have to."

Tatsuha's voice was fading. Ryuichi's eyes grew wide when he realized that he could see his dresser through Tatsuha's chest. He looked up at his lover with wild eyes and Tatsuha smiled at him softly.

"I have to go, Ryu," he whispered.

Ryuichi shook his head violently. He tried to form the words in his mouth, but they wouldn't come out.

Tatsuha nodded. "Yes. But I'll be back. I promise you."

Ryuichi watched helplessly as the bare form of Tatsuha disappeared from the bed. "I love you Ryuichi." The whispered words echoed throughout the room and sent Ryuichi down a spiraling path of despair.

Ryuichi collapsed onto the bed and buried his face in the pillow, gut wrenching sobs filling his home. Slowly, he cried himself to sleep.

When he awoke the next morning, Ryuichi was alone. But he knew that seeing Tatsuha hadn't been a dream. A slight warmth still lingered on his skin and on Tatsuha's side of the bed, as well as the musty scent that he'd missed so much. Ryuichi sighed and buried his face in his hands. He's spent the night with a ghost. But it had been _his_ ghost.

**-------------**

Cool keys. Dark study. The two were starting to go hand and hand once again, but Eiri figured that he better do something before his avid, and quite possibly rabid, fans started to get even angrier than they already were. He really didn't want a psycho-bitch to find out where he lived and stalk him like he'd had happen to him plenty of times in the past.

Eiri sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, relaxing in his swivel chair and resting his elbow on the armrest. Dark study plus bright screen created a very painful headache, especially since it had been so long since he'd written. He was honestly surprised when his muse perked up with a plot so quickly after its wonderful long vacation.

He heard the front door open downstairs and he sighed again. Shuichi was home. Finally. With the album's release growing ever closer and the demands for his manuscript from his publisher, Eiri and Shuichi had hardly seen each other over the past few weeks, probably into a month.

Footsteps up the stairs and then outside the door to his study. Shuichi pushed open the door and quietly crossed the room. Eiri smiled at him when he finally came into the dull glow of his laptop's screen.

"Hey."

Shuichi smiled. "Hey," he said and gave Eiri a soft kiss on the forehead. "Nice to se… Ah!" Shuichi squealed in the same half-cute, half-annoying voice he used to use when Eiri pulled him into his lap. He laughed quietly and situated himself in the chair so he was straddling the blonde's lap, each of his legs stuck through the armrests of the chair.

Eiri wrapped his arms around Shuichi and pulled the man to him, burying his face in the junction of his shoulder and neck and inhaling Shuichi's sweet scent.

"It feels like forever since I've had the chance to hold you like this," he muttered.

Shuichi chuckled. "I know."

Eiri pulled away from Shuichi's neck and quickly captured his lips in what would have been a chaste kiss if Shuichi hadn't have wrapped his arms around his neck, burying a hand in the hair at the base of Eiri's neck so he couldn't pull away. Eiri smiled against the needy kiss and nipped gently at Shuichi's bottom lip. The younger man opened his mouth obligingly and let Eiri's tongue dive in without a fight.

Shuichi fidgeted and moaned into the kiss, his hands finding safety in the thick hair at the base of Eiri's neck. Eiri's hands slowly worked their way beneath Shuichi's T-shirt and grazed against his spine with barely there touches.

Shuichi pulled away a few seconds later to breathe and smiled at Eiri. He gave him one last sound kiss on the side of the mouth and hopped off his lap. "I love you, Eiri," he whispered.

The corners of Eiri's mouth twitched in a smile. "I love you, Shu," he replied.

Shuichi smiled and nodded before disappearing out of the study, the door clicking quietly behind him. Eiri smiled. He could easily remember the days when Shuichi would sit outside of that locked door, his knuckled rapping lightly against the surface and his voice begging to be let in.

He wouldn't deny that he missed those days, but had to admit that he liked this side of Shuichi as well; the side that was mostly silent yet happy. The long silences that sometimes fell upon Shuichi always worried Eiri to no end. He knew that Shuichi had outgrown cutting, but there were plenty of other things that he could easily lose himself in instead. Drugs. Alcohol. Both had been prime choices for escape for him when he'd been younger and he knew that Shuichi would probably be using one or the other if it wasn't for his presence.

Eiri sighed and turned his thoughts back on to the drivel on the screen before him. No novel he could ever write would compare to he and Shuichi's relationship. It was rollercoaster of emotions and, at some times, a cliché. But he wouldn't have it any other way.

Setting his fingers against the cool keys, Eiri set off to work on his newest novel about love and loss, pain and happiness. A tale of two people brought together by gravity.

**-------------**

"…_glorified by what is ours._

_I've fallen in love._

_It was the best idea I ever had._

_Today I fell and felt better._

_Just knowing this matters_

_I just feel stronger and sharper._

_Found a box of sharp objects_

_what a beautiful thing…"_

The song "A Box Full of Sharp Objects" poured from the speakers of the downtown club. It was the release party for both Bad Luck's and Nittle Grasper's new albums. The alleyway outside the club was packed with fans who tried to barter with the bouncers to let them in, but they were always turned away with a firm shake of the head. Inside the club, almost everyone that mattered in the Japanese rock music scene was there.

Takeru was the only exception. He was the only nonmusical guest at the party and had only been allowed into the club because Shuichi had come along to save the day. Even then, the bouncer inside the club had been watching him with a critical eye since he'd taken his seat in the booth on the opposite side of the club. It was really starting to drive him insane.

"Hey, Takeru!"

The raven-haired man tore his eyes away from the bouncer and turned them on to a sweat slicked Shuichi. Shuichi smiled at him and slid into the booth across from him. A waitress immediately gravitated to their table and Shuichi ordered vodka on the rocks from her with a smile. The waitress swooned and nodded, skipping over to the bar to fix his order.

Takeru smiled. "You have a strange effect on people," he muttered.

Shuichi rolled his eyes. "Oh, yeah, Mister Psychology Major? What is that effect?"

"Everyone likes you. They can't help it. It's like you…I dunno… You just have this air about you that sucks people in, and they don't realize it until it's too late. They're stuck in your orbit."

Shuichi snorted and took the vodka from the waitress as she made her way back. He smiled at her in thanks and Takeru watched as she swooned again before disappearing into the crowd.

"See," he said. "It's like with her."  
Shuichi shook his head and took a sip from his glass. He winced slightly at the burn before he spoke. "Hello. I'm a rock star, Takeru. Did you forget that? She only likes me because I'm famous."

"Oh yeah?" Shuichi nodded. "What about me then?"

Shuichi shrugged. "What about you? We met because Aimee wanted us to meet."

"Yeah, so what if we did. I didn't have to like you. Hell, I could have hated you for taking Aimee away from me. I should have hated you for it. But I didn't. Why? Because you're you. You're Shuichi Shindou, the strange man with a sharp tongue and depressive streak, yet everyone still loves you."

Shuichi rolled his eyes again and shook his head. "You overanalyze things too much. But I guess you have to, don't you?"

Takeru shrugged. "I like to think."

Shuichi snorted and nearly chocked on a mouthful of alcohol. He coughed and sputtered and spoke when he finally had himself composed. "And you're weird because of that. Thinking makes my brain hurt."

Takeru laughed and watched as Ryuichi came dancing up to the table.

"Hi, Take-chan! Where's Eiri-san, Shu-chan?"

Shuichi sighed and Takeru noticed the small shadow of sadness that seemed to pass over his eyes. "He couldn't come. He's locked himself away in his study again to get his book done by the deadline." He smiled but Takeru knew that it was forced. "But that's okay. He said that he'd come later."

Ryuichi frowned and his childish demeanor slipped just a bit before he pulled it back over his features. But in that brief instant, Takeru also saw an extreme amount of sadness on Ryuichi's face as well. It seemed that everyone in this group wore masks to hide their true feelings, even if another of them was feeling the same thing.

Ryuichi nodded and smiled, grabbing Shuichi's hand. He turned toward Takeru. "I'm gonna steal him for a song, Take-chan. Do you mind?"

Takeru laughed and shook his head. "Steal him for as many as you like."

Shuichi gave him a look that promised revenge as Ryuichi pulled him into the crowd. "Watch my drink, please!" he heard Shuichi shout before everything was drowned out by the music.

Takeru laughed again and took a sip from his scotch, his eyes drifting across the club to see that the bouncer was still staring at him. It was really starting to creep him out, but figured he should deal with it. Downing the rest of his scotch, Takeru stood from his seat and carefully maneuvered his way through the crowd to the door. The bouncer was still standing there. Still staring at him. But now that he was closer to him, Takeru noticed that it wasn't a glare he was staring at him with, but something more.

Takeru smiled at him. "You've been staring at me all night," he shouted over the music. "You wanna dance?"

The bouncer smiled at him and nodded, looking around him to make sure no one was looking before he left his post. Takeru smirked and grabbed his hand and led him into the sweat slicked crowd.

"Name's Ryou, what about you?" the bouncer shouted.

"Takeru."

Ryou nodded and began to dance. Takeru was surprised by how graceful he was. Ryou did not fall into the category of what would normally be considered a bouncer. He was muscular but was still moderately thin at the same time and his moves were like water over rock, so fluid and smooth that Takeru couldn't help but be captivated by him. He had short brown hair and bangs that fell into his closed hazel eyes.

The song ended just as Takeru was about to start dancing and Bad Luck's song "On My Own" started to pour from the speakers. Ryou opened his eyes and smiled at Takeru, holding out a hand.

"Can I have this dance?"

Takeru smiled and rolled his eyes at Ryou, but too his offered hand anyway. Ryou placed each of his hands on Takeru's waist and Takeru placed his hands on Ryou's shoulders. A friendly dance, like friend's or nerve wracked people would dance at a high school dance. But as the song went on, they moved closer and closer, until Ryou's arms were wrapped around Takeru's waist, and Takeru's arms around Ryou's neck. Takeru sighed and rested his cheek on Ryou's chest.

"_See all those people on the ground_

_wasting time._

_Try to hold it all inside,_

_but just for tonight._

_Top of the world,_

_I'm sitting here wishing._

_The things I've become,_

_but something is missing._

_Maybe I've…_

_What do I know?_

_And now it seems that I have found_

_nothing at all._

_Wanna hear your voice out loud._

_Slow it down slow it down._

_Without it all_

_I'm choking on nothing._

_It's clear in my head_

_and I'm screaming for something._

_Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all._

_On my own_

_On my own_

_On my own_

_On my own_

_I'm on my own now!_

_I'm on my own now!_

_Without it all_

_I'm choking on nothing._

_It's clear in my head_

_and I'm screaming for something._

_Knowing nothing is better than knowing it all_

_On my own_

_On my own_

_On my own…"_

The song ended and Takeru was reluctant to pull away from Ryou, yet he was the first to pull back, even though Ryou had kept a firm hold around his waist. He smiled at the bouncer apologetically and ran away, not stopping until he was safely secure in the alleyway behind the club.

His breathing came rough in his chest and he could feel tears stinging at the corners of his eyes, but Takeru wouldn't let them fall. He'd promised that he would be strong, if not for himself then for Aimee's ghost. Yet the tears somehow managed to fall and Takeru broke down behind the dumpster, damning the gods above for making him feel the pain.

TBC…

**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

A/N: There…it's finally done. It's not the best thing I've ever done, but I really like the last section with Takeru and I like the way that I ended it. _:sighs:_ Maybe you like it, maybe you don't . Who knows? And is it bad if I wanted to throw something about Human Transmutation into the part with Ryu and Tatsuha? _:laughs:_ Too much FMA, I guess…

And I'm gonna be on vacation (leaving tomorrow) so I'll have plenty of time to work on the next chapters. We're gonna be on the beach and it's supposed to rain the first few days so there's not gonna be much else to do…

Okay…I don't remember who reviewed, but THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH! You've patiently (and maybe not so patiently) awaited this chapter and I hope that you'll stick with me until the end. Just three more left! _:cries:_ It seems like it should be illegal, but it's gotta happen…

Anyway…I promise to have something up by the beginning of July. If I don't, then you all can beat me with planks with rusty nails through them (oh, how I love my AIM convos with my onee-chan…)…

Ja matta ne minna. Thank you, thank you, and sorry for any typos… I was too excited and lazy to edit… Hopefully there aren't many…


	28. Noise and Kisses

Bleh…it's seems that my mind doesn't want me to get this finished. _:sighs:_ Writer's block really sucks, but I'm gonna try, nonetheless. Hopefully it won't be in vain…

Anywho…went through and changed my profile around. It's got summaries from all of my original works added to is and some more favorites…Check it out and tell me what you think…Onegai?...

**Disclaimer:** I don't own _Gravitation_…after 28 chapters, I'm starting to see a pattern here…

**Noise and Kisses…**

Shuichi tossed and turned in bed, exhausted but, for some reason, unable to sleep. After thirty minutes of pointless attempts at slumber, he gave up and glanced sideways at the person in the bed next to him. Eiri always slept like a rock and it made Shuichi jealous. The blonde could probably sleep through a tornado if Shuichi didn't try to wake him.

Shuichi smiled softly and brushed the hair out of Eiri's eyes with a gentle hand. Eiri didn't even move. Shuichi chuckled quietly and placed a soft kiss against the blonde's forehead before crawling out of the bed, pulling a long-sleeved T-shirt over his head to dull the winter chill that had taken over the apartment. He checked the thermostat on the way to the living room and turned it up a couple of degrees, smiling in relief when he heard the small click that signaled the heater turning on.

His next stop was the kitchen, where he grabbed a bottle of water from the refrigerator before returning to the living room and taking a seat in the armchair next to a window. Living so far away from the city, there was no artificial light to drown out the stars in the sky. The only light other than the moon was the dim light motion sensor light that hung above the garage.

Shuichi sighed and gazed up at the sky. He could easily make out the big dipper and Orion's belt shining above. He sighed again and opened his bottle of water with a quiet crack, gulping down a healthy amount of it before slouching down in his chair and closing his eyes and losing himself in thoughts about what was to come over the next couple of weeks.

Bad Luck's first concert in four years was looming ahead of them and advancing quickly. He couldn't help but be a little bit nervous about it. A little bit. Hell, he was scared to death. Their album had sold an amazing amount of copies on the first day, close to three million. He didn't want to disappoint the audience by messing up or something like he had in the past. To him, it was almost like they were opening for Ask at Zepp Tokyo all over again. The butterflies viciously beat their wings against the lining of his stomach and he couldn't stop thinking of all the ways he could mess the night up.

_'It's still two weeks away,'_ he tried to reassure himself. _'It's nothing to worry about. You'll be fine by then.'_

He laughed. "Not still two weeks away. _Only_ two weeks away."

Knowing that made him want to scream out loud and rip the hair from his head, but then he would wake Eiri up and what would he think if he saw him standing in a pile of his hair? He'd probably freak out and go into mother mode and carry Shuichi off to bed in a fit. Shuichi couldn't help but laugh out loud. Eiri really was turning into such a mother hen, wasn't he? But he couldn't help it. Shuichi knew that the death of Aimee had hit Eiri hard, and he didn't want to lose Shuichi in the same way.

A gentle hand on Shuichi's shoulder made him jump. He looked up to see Eiri smiling upon him sleepily.

"The bed was colder without you," he explained and took a seat in the chair across from Shuichi. The raven-haired man quickly stood and nestled himself in the blonde's lap, wrapping his arms around Eiri's neck.

"Sorry," he muttered. "I couldn't sleep."

Eiri chuckled and kissed Shuichi's temple softly. "Nervous? You still have two weeks. Breathe."

Shuichi laughed. "I was just having that argument with my mind when you scared me half to death." He looked up at Eiri and smiled, placing a gentle kiss at the corner of his mouth when he frowned. "But don't worry. I'll be fired up by the time the concert rolls around."

Eiri smiled and stared out the window. One of his hands ran up and down Shuichi's leg while the other played lazily with the hair at the base of his neck. Shuichi sighed into the touches and rested his head against Eiri's shoulder, closing his eyes.

"I don't deserve you," he whispered. "How can you love me after everything that I put you through?"

Eiri sighed. "I could ask the same of you."

Shuichi chuckled and nodded his head slowly. "That is true. But tell me why. You could have just left me lying there on the kitchen floor the first time you found me. Why did you save me?"

He felt Eiri's arms tense around him but he kept his tone even when he spoke. "Do you wish that I hadn't found you? That you had died all that time ago?"

Shuichi shook his head. "No, because then I wouldn't be with you right now. It's just something that's been on my mind for a while now. I figured that it wouldn't hurt to ask."

Eiri sighed. "I saved you because I knew that I would never be able to earn your forgiveness if I just let you die. And seeing you there, dying… The emotions that flooded through me then confirmed my feelings, that I loved you and I never wanted to be without you again."

Shuichi smiled and tipped his head back so he could see the blonde's face. "And I love you and always have loved you because I knew and still know that everything you did was out of denial. You were a bastard and I shouldn't love you after what you did, but I still do because I understand why you did all that you did. "

Eiri sighed. "Denial isn't an excuse for beating you and reducing to cutting yourself," he muttered.

Shuichi furrowed his brow and brushed the bangs out of Eiri's eye with a gentle hand. He smiled sadly at the anguish in Eiri's eyes and kissed the corner of his mouth softly. He hopped out of his lap and grabbed his hand, pulling Eiri up from the chair and dragging him back toward their room.

"Let's not think about those things, okay? We're together and we're happy and it's going to stay that way for the rest of our lives. I think it's time for us both to put the past behind us and move on."

Eiri nodded and Shuichi smirked devilishly as he pushed him back onto the bed, crawling on top of him so he was straddling his hips. He attacked Eiri's mouth with his own, happily letting the blonde's tongue snake into his mouth when it asked for entrance. They stayed like that for a while, until Shuichi moaned and Eiri had to pull back to breathe with a strangled gasp.

Before he knew what was happening, Shuichi was flipped onto his back and Eiri was attacking his neck with his lips, teeth, and tongue…sucking, biting, and licking every spare inch of pale skin. Shuichi moaned and gripped Eiri's biceps tightly, tipping his head back to give Eiri further access to the flesh there.

Eiri pulled away with a smile and slowly began undressing himself and the drugged man beneath him. They perfectly did the dance that had been done a million times before, proclaiming their love for another over and over again until they reached release and words were no longer necessary.

They laid sated in each other's arms when they were finished, and Shuichi drifting first, they both fell asleep.

**-------------  
**

The following days at NG were full of tension and unimportant arguments that were started over some of the most trivial things. Hiro and Ben argued back and forth about the right way to play a synthesizer. When Suguru jumped in and confirmed that Hiro was right, Ben refused to talk to either of them for the remainder of the day. K got angry with Shuichi over nothing, as usual, and didn't bother to hide the fact that he was just arguing for the sake of arguing. Hell, everyone else was doing it. He didn't want to be left out. Sakano was the typical knotted ball of nerves that one had to expect him to be. With a "re-debut" concert on his shoulders, he had to make sure that everything went smoothly and, more importantly, as planned, something that rarely happened when Shuichi was involved in the process.

Suguru and Hiro were arguing over what color a #2 pencil was ("It's orange!" "No, it's yellow!") with Shuichi and Ben quietly sitting in a corner and trying to tone out the annoying fighting when K burst into the room, his trademark silver Magnum pointed straight at Hiro's forehead.

"Will you two can it! No one cares what color the pencil is. Why is Barney purple! Now that's a more pressing matter for you to be arguing about!"

The two looked back and forth between each other and K with worried expressions on their faces. The gleam in their manager's eye was enough to let them know that he was starting to unravel at the seams, which wasn't good. A psychotic Sakano they were used to. A deranged K was a completely different story.

"Now, K. There's no need to point that think in Nakano-san's face. They're just frustrated, like you are. Hey! That doesn't mean that you can point it at me!" Sakano ran into the room in an attempt to get K to put his gun away, but wound up with it pointed at his nose instead. He looked at it cross-eyed and took a tentative step back, his hands in front of him. "You don't need to point it at me, either. There's no need for violence."

K growled quietly and Shuichi couldn't keep the small snort from slipping through his lips. K's ears perked and he turned his attention on to Shuichi and Ben, just recognizing them. He stormed over to where Shuichi was quietly reading a book and hit the singer across the back of the head with his gun. Shuichi stammered and looked up at his manager with a furrowed brow. When K just smirked at him, he frowned and threw the large, not to mention hard-covered book, at his manager's head. It missed.

"Please calm down. I realize that your nerves are running high, but there's nothing to worry about. Everything will be taken care of."

Touma sauntered into the room casually, smiling and seemingly oblivious to the fact that, had he walked in any later, he would have been in a murder scene. He smiled at each member of Bad Luck and nodded slightly.

"Yes, there's nothing to worry about. Both Nittle Grasper's and Bad Luck's technicians are working together to make sure that this is the best concert Tokyo has ever seen."

Shuichi mumbled a curse under his breath and shoved himself up from his chair so he could retrieve the book he'd thrown. It had closed on its way across the room and it now lay on the floor, awkwardly bent open. He cursed again when he realized he hadn't marked the page he'd been on. Great. Just great.

"Our technicians have nothing to worry about. Nittle Grasper and Bad Luck performing on the same stage for the first time in years is good enough for the fans. I've heard talk from just about everyone. They say that it's going to be the show of the century." Sakano woozed a little on his feet, his notorious nerves finally starting to take effect on him.

Touma smiled and nodded, his green eyes sparkling with happiness. "So they say, and we shall not disappoint our fans, right? After four years of absence from both bands, I think that they deserve a top notch show."

"Balls to the wall, man," Ben chimed in from across the room.

The other six men in the room furrowed their brows and glanced at Ben. Ben peeked up at them from the top of his magazine and smiled innocently. "What? I didn't do anything."

Shuichi snorted and shook his head as he plopped back down into his seat. "Now that everyone has had their daily dose of Ben's crude American humor…WHY ARE WE JUST SITTING HERE!" He slammed his book down on the table. "I feel like we should be doing something. It's our first concert in forever and I don't feel anything but nerves. Shouldn't we be doing something besides sitting here and doing nothing?"

Touma shrugged. "What would you like to do, Shuichi-san?"

Shuichi answered with a return shrug. "I dunno. Something besides just sitting here and feeling worthless would be nice."

Hiro yawned and stretched, drawing everyone's attention to him. "I agree with Shuichi. I feel like we should be doing something. The techs shouldn't have to do all of the work."

"It's how a concert works, Nakano-san," Sakano chimed in. "This is how we did things four years ago and it's how the music business still does things."

"Besides, you'll get to do your work when it comes time for sound check," K added.

Suguru scowled and shook his head. "Which is still a week away, on the day of the concert." He sighed. "What a diversely competent band we are."

Ben chuckled but ignored the glances when Hiro and Shuichi looked at him this time. He continued to read his rather interesting article about a T-Rex that supposedly terrorized a trailer park. He checked the front cover of the tabloid and smirked. Ah, how he loved Globe.

"Then what would you like to do, Fujisaki-kun?" Touma muttered. "Since Shuichi-san seems unable to answer that question himself."

Shuichi scowled at the comment but was ignored by the others in the room. He shrugged and continued searching for the spot he'd left off at in his book.

Suguru shrugged and put a finger beneath his chin in an exaggerated gesture to show that he was thinking…hard. "What is there that we can do? We have to be able to help with some of the technical things. I mean, it can't be that hard, can it?"

Touma smiled devilishly and nodded, crossing his arms over his chest. "I guess you're right." He nodded and turned his back to the room, gesturing for them to follow him. "This way then."

The six jumped up from their chairs and followed Touma out to the parking garage of NG. They all loaded into Touma's car and headed for the Zepp Tokyo clubhouse, Touma smiling in that eerie way that he did the entire way.

The pulled into Zepp's parking lot ten minutes later and climbed out of the car. Touma silently led them into the clubhouse and backstage where all of the technicians were working avidly on wiring the lights and stage for the upcoming show.

Touma stopped and turned to face the group behind him…still smiling. It sent a shiver rippling every one of their bodies.

"Since you all were so eager to do something, I think I'll have Fujiwara-san tell you what he needs your help with. K-san, Sakano-san, and I will be heading back toward NG to work on the final stages there." He smiled again and left with K and Sakano following him.

Shuichi watched his retreating back and frowned. "He never said anything about work needing to be done back at NG."

Suguru shrugged. "You never gave him time to say anything about it, you dolt."

A tall man with short black hair and cold grey eyes walked up to them with his arms crossed over his chest. He frowned and sized them up with his eyes, making Shuichi fidget nervously, which resulted in getting a foot stamped to the ground by Hiro. The man finally nodded and sighed.

"Call me Fujiwara," he said. "Touma says that you want to help us prepare for your upcoming concert?"

Shuichi nodded. "Yeah. You got something for us to do?"

The man's smile was eerily familiar. He and Touma had been working together for years, that was definitely apparent. "Oh. We have plenty of work for you to do. The only question is, will you be able to handle it?"

Suguru and Hiro turned to Shuichi and glared at him with looks that could kill. He frowned and held his hands up in front of him as protection.

"Hey! It's your fault. I started it, yes, but you're the ones that kept going. If this is anyone's fault, it's you two."

"Come." The turned and saw that Fujiwara was already walking off.

They ran after him and listened to everything that needed to be done. The lights needed wiring, the stage needed this, this, and this, and… Hiro and Suguru continued to throw frustrated glares in Shuichi's direction, but he just kept throwing them off. They could blame him all they wanted, but it was their fault for being the mess that they were in.

Fujiwara left them with his list of chores and they set to work immediately, keeping their hands busy and their minds, for once, off the worry of the impending concert.

TBC…

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A/N: This is short, I know, but at least it's something. I was going to make it longer, but it would have taken forever to be finished so I stopped here… Am I'm...eh...with it. It's okay...

Anyway…no one reviewed last chapter…I hope you haven't forgotten about this. I'm sorry if you have because I know that it's my fault. _:sighs:_ The next chapter won't be much longer than this one, if at all longer. Sorry…chapter 30 will be longer, I promise, since it's gonna be the last chapter and all. _:sighs:_…

School starts soon..._:sighs:_...and I'm not going to post the last chapter until a specific date. When that is...you'll just have to find out. It's not that difficult to know if you pay attention...

Well…thanks for reading and I'll see ya guys next chapter…Ja matta ne!...


	29. Soundeffects and Overdramatics

OMFG! Is she actually updating?…

_:sighs:_ Yes…I'm actually updating, believe it or not. Bleh… Explanation…I've run out of inspiration for "ILaH." 'Tis as easy as that. All I've been able to work on and think about is my KH fic which is now 8 chapters long and still needs to be posted on someplace other than my livejournal. But I WILL finish this because I owe it to you guys and myself. I've never actually finished writing something this long before. I'm excited…

**Disclaimer:** Me no owny _Gravi_…

**Soundeffects and Overdramatics…**

T-minus three days and counting until the concert…

The onslaught of nerves made it difficult for anyone to eat, much less sleep. Shuichi found himself sitting in his armchair in front of the window more often than naught at night, while Eiri still lay in bed, blissfully unaware of the nerves that were tearing at his boyfriend's body.

Shuichi sighed and took a deep swallow of coffee from the mug he cradled between his hands. He didn't mind the insomnia all too much. It gave him time to think and he loved watching the sun rise—how every morning it was different. With the sweet, almost silent sounds of Amy Lee's voice drifting through the air of the living room, he found himself relaxed. He loved their version of the Evanescence song "October," but nothing could beat the power and amazingly haunting sound of Amy Lee's voice as the lyrics flowed from the speakers.

He sighed again and nuzzled down into the chair, setting his mug on the table beside him. His thoughts slowly drifted to Aimee. He'd found himself thinking about her a lot lately. This would have been their first tour with her included in the band, but she was gone. His eyes drifted closed as his emotions started to rage. Even though she had left the letter, he didn't know why she had thought she'd had to leave them.

Takeru. His thoughts slowly drifted to the long-haired man who had become one of his good friends in the painful time. Takeru was strong, a lot stronger than Shuichi could ever hope to be, but he needed to show his emotions more. Only when he was around Shuichi did Takeru show any hint of pain or despair. Any other time, he did his best to hide his eyes behind his long bangs, his barrier against the rest of the world.

He hadn't seen much of Takeru lately. He'd called him several times and only been able to talk to him once or twice. For some reason, Shuichi knew that he'd locked himself away in his apartment, but he never answered the door when Shuichi would go to visit him. It irked the singer to no end.

Just when he was starting to open up, everyone around him was starting to lock themselves away. At least, that's what it felt like to him anyway. Eiri was confining himself to his study more and more so he could work. The only times Shuichi really got to talk to Hiro anymore was at work, and that was only about work stuff. He and Suguru had never been very close, but they talked even less than before now. K and Sakano were their usual distant selves, always sticking to "more important things," as they liked to call them. They only member of Bad Luck who talked to Shuichi outside of the studio was Ben. They met for coffee a couple of times and just sat and talked. It helped, just having one person who he could still talk to.

And the sensation for him to cut was hardly there anymore. He'd had a difficult time for a while after he'd given Eiri his blades, but now it had all but disappeared. He still felt he want to do it when he was stressed out, but he didn't feel the _need_ for it anymore. There was a line in his mind that separated want and need, and he was glad that cutting had decided to stay on the want side. Maybe the want to do it would disappear over time. He didn't know. All he had to do was sit back and let things work themselves out. It was no use for him to get mixed up in things that didn't matter to him anymore.

Shuichi opened his eyes and gazed out the window. Small rays of sunlight were beginning to light up the sky. Bare hints of orange and red had started to mix with the dreary dark blue of the four-thirty in the morning sky. He smiled and grabbed his mug to take another sip of his coffee, cringing at how cold it had gotten.

He climbed out of the chair and took his cup to the kitchen with him. He dumped the last of his coffee into the sink and refilled it with warm coffee, adding to it some cream and sugar for taste. He didn't know how he did it, but Eiri always drank his coffee black. Shuichi crinkled his nose. Black coffee always left a lingering aftertaste in the back of his throat.

Speaking of the devil… Shuichi was just settling back into his chair when he heard the quiet squeak of the bedroom door's hinges from the story above. He took a small sip of his coffee and looked up in time to see Eiri look down at him. He smiled halfheartedly at the blonde and returned his attention to the rising sun out the window. He would give Eiri the opportunity to make conversation. He was sick of being the one to come up with a topic to talk about.

Eiri padded down the stairs and went to the kitchen to make his own cup of coffee. He walked into the living room a few minutes later and settled down into the couch across from Shuichi, his amber eyes locked onto Shuichi as he took a quick drink of the steaming cup. Shuichi didn't make an effort to draw his eyes away from the window.

"What's wrong?"

The question made Shuichi jump. He tore his eyes away from the window and let them linger on his boyfriend's face for a moment before they moved to the cup of coffee he held in his own hands. Small swirls of lighter brown mixed with the café color of the milk mixed in his coffee.

"Nothing, why?"

Eiri laughed quietly. "You're lying."

Shuichi returned his gaze to the blonde with a glare. "No, I'm not. What makes you think that I'm lying?"

Eiri rolled his eyes and shook his head as he settled back into the couch. "You've been locking yourself away. I don't know if it's because of the concert coming up or if you've started to fall into depression again, but I don't like it. It's starting to worry me."

Shuichi sighed and dropped his eyes to the floor. Was he locking himself away? To him, it seemed that everyone else was locking themselves away. But that was how it had felt before as well, when in actuality, everyone had been open and waiting for him to go to them to talk. Was his depression coming back again? Gods, he hoped not. But he didn't know what to do if it was.

"To tell you the truth, I dunno what's wrong with me. Everything just seems so jumbled up. I mean, there's only…what…two or three days left 'til the opening concert of the tour. And you've been locked away in the study working on your novel. It's like we never get to spend any time together anymore."

Eiri sighed and stood from the couch. He crossed to the chair and lifted Shuichi into his arms, moving around so he was sitting in the chair with Shuichi in his lap. He carefully pulled the mug of coffee out of Shuichi's hands and set it on the table beside them, then wrapped his arms around his boyfriend.

"Shuichi, I love you. You know that, or at least, I hope you do. I love you more than words can say and I'm sorry that things have been so busy for us both lately. But I want to do something with you before the tour starts and you have to leave. I promise. You'll love it."

Shuichi sighed and snuggled into Eiri's embrace. "Why can't things just be calm for once? We've had four years where fans and critics have thought we've been taking a break, but they've been some of the craziest days of our lives."

Eiri sighed and nodded, squeezing his arms around Shuichi. "Yeah, I know, but they'll forget all about that once you're back out there with music. Your album has already sold a million copies and almost every concert is sold out. You're back in the big time, Shu. I want you to enjoy it. Don't fall back into depression again and don't worry about everyone and everything around you. Worry about you for once."

Shuichi laughed quietly. "Inspirational talk? Hm…I like it."

Eiri snorted and Shuichi looked up at him with a small smile on his face.

"What? I was telling the truth. I like it when you get all deep and stuff when you talk. It makes for interesting conversation."

Eiri rolled his eyes and kissed Shuichi gently between the eyes. "You're weird." He stood with Shuichi in his arms and replaced the raven-haired man in the armchair.

"But you still love me!" Shuichi sang.

Eiri shrugged as he walked into the kitchen. "Only because you forced me to."

Shuichi narrowed his eyes and made a small "psh"-ing sound. He glared at Eiri as he walked out of the kitchen and kept his arms crossed tight over his chest. The blonde smiled at him and crossed the room. He knelt down on the floor in front of the chair and Shuichi looked away. Eiri sighed.

"I was just kidding, you dolt."

Shuichi shrugged but didn't look at him.

Eiri laughed quietly and turned Shuichi's face so he could look at him. He offered him a small smile before kissing him. It was a chaste and sweet kiss, one that was full of love and kindness. It was a kiss that relayed everything they felt for one another.

He smiled slightly when he pulled away and ran a gentle hand down the side of Shuichi's face. "I love you."

Shuichi nodded. "I love you too."

Eiri smiled and pushed himself up from the ground, cringing when his ankles popped quietly. "I'm going to go work for a bit, okay? I need to get this chapter done today, but I promise that we'll spend tomorrow together, alright?"

Shuichi nodded and watched Eiri head back up the stairs. The quiet click of a door closing let him know that the blonde was stowed away in his study and Shuichi sighed. Snuggling deeper into the chair, he locked his eyes on the sky out the window and finished watching the sun rise.

**-------------**

T-minus two days and counting until the concert…

Touma sighed quietly and copied his signature on yet another piece of paper. For what? He couldn't remember. He'd stopped reading and caring after the first half an hour of paperwork. But he guessed he couldn't complain. It had been his decision to create a multi-million dollar recording studio, hadn't it? It wasn't like he'd been forced into it or anything.

A quiet knock on his door pulled him out of his thoughts and Touma looked up, setting his pen onto his desk with a small clap. "Come in."

The door opened and Ryuichi walked in silently, a small smile on his face when he looked at his friend. Touma sighed and returned the smile, glad to be dealing with what looked to be a semi-happy Ryuichi for once…finally.

"Hi, Ryu. How are you doing?"

The brunette sighed and plopped down into one of the armchairs across from Touma's desk. "Good," he said with a grin. "Very good actually. I can't wait for the tour to start. It's been ages since we've toured."

Touma smiled and nodded. "Yes, it has. Longer than it's been for Bad Luck, I think."

"I can't wait to tour with Shuichi. It's gonna be fun!"

Touma kept smiling and listened as his friend began to talk about all the things he was looking forward to about the tour. A small thought drifted through his head…one from almost four months ago of a Ryuichi wanted to return to America the moment their album debuted on store shelves. He sighed. He liked this Ryuichi much better. He'd been happy for the past couple of months and hadn't shown any signs of relapse. It was nice.

When Ryuichi finally finished, Touma chuckled and shook his head. "I'm glad that you're so enthusiastic, Ryuichi. It's nice. Not only has Shuichi-san gotten better, but I think that you have too."

Ryuichi nodded and grinned. "Yeah. And it feels good to not have to worry about so much anymore. I appreciate everything more and enjoy the light that shines on my face, such a change from the darkness I wadded in for so long."

Touma nodded. "And it's nice to know that I can trust you on your own again. You're my best friend and I'll always worry about you, no matter what, but that was too much."

Ryuichi nodded, a sad glint forming in his eyes. "Yes. And I'm sorry for that. I worried everyone too much. I shouldn't have been so stupid."

"No. You weren't stupid. You were being Ryuichi…thinking irrationally and keeping your eyes set on only what you wanted. But you've realized that it was a mistake and that life can still go on."

Ryuichi sighed and smiled slightly. "Yeah, I guess."

Touma frowned and cocked his head to the side, surveying Ryuichi's face carefully. "What's going through that head of yours, Ryu? And don't you dare try to tell me nothing."

Ryuichi shook his head and blinked a couple of times, an obvious sign that he was pulling himself back into reality. "No. It's really nothing, Touma. I've just been thinking about things lately, is all. Nothing bad."

Touma laughed and shook his head. "You and thinking have never been good friends, Ryu. Thinking always ends up upsetting you."

Ryuichi shrugged and rested his head against the back of the chair, closing his eyes. Touma took the cue that he wanted silence, but couldn't keep quiet for very long.

"What have you been thinking about?"

Ryuichi snorted. "Nosy little bastard, aren't we?" he joked.

Touma laughed and shrugged, shaking his head. "Only when it comes to those I care about, and other certain…business affairs that I think need my attention."

"I can only guess what you're talking about."

"Probably."

Silence fell again and Touma found himself fidgeting. It disgusted him in a way. He had never been one to fidget nervously or impatiently when he wanted something. He would sit and smile that eerie smile of his that he'd perfected over the years until the person he was facing broke and told him what he wanted to hear. Unfortunately, years spent around Touma made Ryuichi immune to the smile and pretty much anything else the blonde threw at him to try and get him to break.

Touma sighed. "Please, Ryuichi? You're not thinking about going back to America, are you? Not now."

Ryuichi shook his head. "When we have a tour coming up? I'm not that stupid, Touma. You oughta know that, at least."

"Then what is it? You're not blaming yourself again are you? Because none of it was your fault, it never was and never will be so if you are blaming yourself you need to stop."

Ryuichi's eyes snapped open and he glared at his friend. Touma closed his mouth immediately.

"Yes, I'm thinking about Tatsuha, but I'm not blaming myself anymore. It wasn't me; it was the idiot in the car that killed him. And if it hadn't been the car that had taken his life, it would have been him sooner or later because life was starting to drive him insane."

Touma sighed quietly and ran a hand back through his hair. "I'm sorry, Ryu. I just can't help but worry about you."

Ryuichi laughed. "What's gotten into you, Touma? It's not in your nature to worry so much."

He laughed and rolled his eyes. "Two kids, a suicidal best friend, a suicidal Shuichi, and the death by suicide of Akio can do this to a person." He looked at Ryuichi thoughtfully. "Give me a good reason why I should go back to not worrying about anything and neglecting my wife, now family."

"Shut up."

Touma shrugged and stood from his seat. "We have a big tour starting soon. I'm sure Fujiwara-san could use another hand if you want something to do. Shuichi could use the company since Suguru, Ben, and Hiro seem to think it's his fault that they're doing extra work."

Ryuichi sighed, then smiled and pushed himself up from the armchair. He quickly embraced Touma and made his way to the door, but stopped halfway there.

"Thank you, Touma. You know, for everything. You could have just abandoned me, but you didn't, and I owe you my life for that."

Touma shrugged. "Not only are you my best friend but you're family. I couldn't sit back and watch you destroy yourself."

Ryuichi nodded and gave a small smile before leaving the office. Touma settled back down into his chair and stared at the oak surface of the door for a moment while he got his thoughts in check. With a quick shake of his head, he grabbed his pen and set the tip to a piece of paper for what felt like the ten millionth time that day.

Such was the life of a company president.

**-------------**

T-minus one day and counting until the concert…

Bad Luck and Nittle Grasper were gathered on the stage of Zepp Tokyo, the well-known beats of Queen's "Under Pressure" playing in the background while they made the final preparations for the concert tomorrow. Ryuichi and Shuichi were huddled next to the CD player with headphones over their ears, listening to "Under Pressure" in a final attempt to make sure they had everything perfect. The pitch of their voices, the beats to the song. They had to make sure they did a perfect collaboration that would rival the original version itself.

"Hey, Shu!" Hiro called and slid the headphones back from his friend's ears so he'd be able to hear what he was saying. "I think we have the song down pat. How about you guys?"

Shuichi shrugged and tapped Ryuichi on the shoulder. The god pressed the pause button on the CD player and slid the headphones back from his ears, a curious frown on his face.

"How are you doing with getting the lyrics?" Shuichi asked.

Ryuichi laughed. "Are you kidding me? I've known this song for years now. I just like listening to it."

Shuichi rolled his eyes and glanced back at Hiro. "I guess that means we're good too, then. You wanna try it out really quick?"

Hiro shrugged and glanced over his shoulder at Suguru, Ben, Touma, and Noriko, who were all gathered around an upside down box that had notes scattered across it. "I don't think it'll be necessary. We can practice it during sound check tomorrow. We're all exhausted. We need rest so no one passes out or anything like that tomorrow." His eyes jokingly lingered on Shuichi as he said that.

The raven-haired man smiled sheepishly and nodded. "Yeah. I guess you're right. Let's wrap up."

Hiro nodded and returned to the small group around the box while Shuichi and Ryuichi started to clean up their own mess. They left the club as a group, giving waves and small embraces as they went their separate ways and promised to meet at their designated area tomorrow, on time. Shuichi gave another sheepish grin at that as he climbed into his car and waited for everyone to leave the parking lot before he headed home himself.

The drive felt longer than it should have. He felt himself give a heavy sigh of relief when he pulled into the driveway of he and Eiri's home. The only light in the house that he could see from the outside was the pale blue glow of Eiri's computer in his study.

Sighing again, Shuichi threw his knapsack over his shoulder and trudged inside. He walked up stairs and toward their bedroom, rapping once on the study door to let Eiri know that he was home safe and sound from the practice, and changed into a pair of pajama pants before crawling into bed. He was halfway asleep when his lover came into the room and crawled into bed beside him, wrapping a protective arm around his waist.

"Long day?"

Shuichi nodded and snuggled into the blonde for warmth and security. Eiri chuckled and the last thing Shuichi felt before he fell asleep was the gentle kiss to his temple.

TBC…  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
A/N: Okay…I don't like this chapter, but I absolutely HATE the ending. Just figured I would jump out there and say that. It's completely and utterly horrible and I deserve to have rocks thrown at me for writing something this bad, but… it's something, right? At least it's an update. That's the only thing that makes me feel moderately better about it…

Anyway…I've started chapter 30 already and plan to have it done by Halloween. It _has_ to be done by Halloween because that's when I want to update it…2 years to the date of when I posted the first chapter. Hurrah! _:cries:_ I just don't wanna end it because I hate writing endings and I'm afraid that it will be even worse than this was…

Thank you so much to you guys who reviewed last chapter. You know who you are. You're the ones who kept me going to write this chapter…mostly Danie and Trav and whoever decided to randomly question me on AIM but I love everyone else too. So much…you're all amazing!…

Ja matta ne! See you all on the 31st!..._:runs of crying:_...


	30. In Love and Hate

THE LAST CHAPTER!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! _::dies:: _Yeah, this it, and I mean it this time…

Just got back from the Godsmack and Breaking Benjamin concert at Louisville Gardens… It kicked my ass!! Soooo great… And it's also helped me a bit to make the performances in this chapter better. Can't go too in-depth, but it's still helped…

**H_aP_p_Y H_aLl_o_W_e_eN**

**Disclaimer:** The characters of _Gravitation_ belong to Maki Murakami-sama and not me…_::sighs::_…the song "Like You" belongs to Evanescence, "I'm Movin' On" belongs to Rascal Flatts, and "Broken Wings" belongs to Flyleaf…

**In Love and Hate…**

This was where he belonged, where he'd always belonged. On the stage of a Tokyo clubhouse with hundreds, maybe even close to a thousand, people screaming for him to sing his heart out. Sweat was dripping from every pore of his body, soaking his clothes and sneaking into his eyes. The bright lights that beat down on him and the other band members blinded him and made the crowd look like a blurred mass of multicolor blobs.

As Hiro and Ben played out the end of "Light With a Sharpened Edge" and Suguru carefully blended opening of "Like You" into it, Shuichi closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The screams of the fans were like a drug. He fed from them as he started to sing.

"_Stay low  
__Soft, dark, and dreamless  
__Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness  
__I hate me  
__For breathing without you  
__I don't want to feel anymore for you._

_Grieving for you  
__I'm not grieving for you  
__Nothing real love can't undo  
__And though I may have lost my way  
__All paths lead straight to you_

_I long to be like you  
__Lie cold in the ground like you…"_

Shuichi sighed and opened his eyes, letting them drift over the crowd. So many people…so many fans who knew the difficulties Bad Luck had gone through and conquered over their four years absence…so many people who had stood behind them and held them up when they thought everything was a lost cause. So many people…

"…_Halo  
__Blinding wall between us  
__Melt away and leave us alone again  
__Humming, haunted somewhere out there  
__I believe our love can see us through in death_

_I long to be like you  
__Lie cold in the ground like you  
__There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you  
__I'm coming for you…"_

Singing "Like You" in front of so many people for the first time sent a chill down Shuichi's back. This song meant so much to not only him, but the band as a whole as well. He hoped that, somewhere out there, Aimee was sitting with her eyes closed and a small smile on her while she listened to him singing for her. It would only make the song that much more meaningful.

"…_You're not alone  
__No matter what they told you, you're not alone  
__I'll be right beside you forevermore._

_I long to be like you, Sis  
__Lie cold in the ground like you did  
__There's room inside for two  
__and I'm not grieving for you  
__And as we lay in silent bliss  
__I know you remember me  
__I long to be like you  
__Lie cold in the ground like you  
__There's room inside for two  
__and I'm not grieving for you  
__I'm coming for you."_

Shuichi sighed and glanced behind him at the image projected on the screen behind the band. With a sad smile on his face, he held his head strong and nodded at the haunting face.

"You're not alone, Aimee," he muttered into the microphone, eliciting a loud cheer from the crowd. "You're not alone. We love you."

The crowd erupted into screams and Shuichi grinned like a madman.

"Now who's ready to rock?!" he screamed. The crowd's screams grew louder. "Let's do it!" he shouted and the band went into their next song, "Soundeffects and Overdramatics."

During the rest of their performance, Shuichi would glance back at Suguru, Ben, and Hiro and smile at them. They looked like he felt. They were finally at home and at peace in some sort of way.

When the music stopped and they had to leave the stage for Nittle Grasper's performance, Shuichi felt like his life was taken away from him, but he knew that it was going to come back. He still had the encore performance with Ryuichi to look forward to, and thirty more concerts spread across Japan. The American tour had yet to be planned.

Shuichi was glomped to the ground by Ryuichi on his way off the stage, who told him that he was totally awesome and that he didn't think that he would be able to measure up to his performance. Shuichi shoved him off with a blush and watched as Ryuichi was all but dragged onto the stage by Touma and Noriko.

He turned to the other members of Bad Luck with a chuckle. "Well…we did it, guys. How do you feel?"

Ben was grinning from ear to ear. "That was a hella show!" he shouted. "We kicked some major ass tonight!"

"I agree," Suguru added next. "We definitely proved that we hadn't grown old in our absence. I think that was what the fans were looking for all along."

Hiro nodded. "Totally."

Shuichi grinned and turned his attention to Ryuichi and the band as they started their second song. He recognized it immediately and was glad that they had decided to add it to their album. The song wasn't Ryuichi's typical style, but it was healing for what had happened with Tatsuha, as "Like You" was Shuichi's healing for what had happened with Aiko.

"_I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons  
__Finally content with a past I regret  
__I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness  
__For once I'm at peace with myself  
__I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long  
__I'm movin' on _

_I've lived in this place and I know all the faces  
__Each one is different, but they're always the same  
__They mean me no harm, but it's time that I face it  
__They'll never allow me to change  
__But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong  
__I'm movin' on…"_

The only music that accentuated the song was piano and violins, which were played by Touma and Noriko on the synths, both looking sad but stoic at the same time. Ryuichi's face, on the other hand, shined with emotion that spilled over into the crowd. Most of the fans had pulled out their lighters and small candle flames of light waved back and forth to the music.

"…_I'm moving on  
__At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me  
__And I know there's no guarantee, but I'm not alone  
__There comes a time in everyone's life  
__When all you can see are the years passing by  
__And I have made up my mind that those days are gone _

_I've sold what I could and packed what I couldn't  
__Stopped to fill up on my way out of town  
__I've loved like I should, but lived like I shouldn't  
__I had to lose everything to find out  
__Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road  
__I'm movin' on  
__I'm movin' on  
__I'm movin' on."_

The song ended with a deafening roar of approval from the crowd and a large smile bloomed across Ryuichi's face as he opened his eyes.

"Thank you! You guys are awesome!" he shouted into the microphone and Touma and Noriko kicked it up with the beginning of their next song.

**-------------**

Shuichi stopped paying attention to what was going on around him halfway through Nittle Grasper's performance. He tried paying attention, but there was so much hustle and bustle that he was lose track of what he was trying to pay attention to because he would be distracted by something else. The roar of the crowd as only a small buzz in his ears.

A gentle tap on his shoulder pulled him back into reality, though. He blinked and shook his head, looking to the side to see Hiro sitting next to him with a smile on his face. He returned the smile with a sigh.

"So…what do you think? Has it been what you expected?"

Shuichi laughed and nodded. "Better than what I expected. The fans are great."

"They always are," Hiro said. "It did surprise me how many showed up, though. I was expecting most of them to have forgotten about us, but K says that the next ten of our shows are already sold out and the rest are well on their ways to being the same."

"Awesome."

Hiro laughed and did a little dance with his fingers. "Hurrah for one word sentences," he joked.

Shuichi laughed and shook his head, but started to dance with him anyway. "Hurrah for making it back into the big time! Hurrah for happiness!"

"Hurrah just for the sake of saying hurrah!"

Shuichi turned his attention to the new person and laughed when he saw Ben doing the finger dance along with them. The brunet American stopped the dance with a laugh when he noticed Shuichi watching him.

"It looked like fun so I thought I would join in," he said with a shrug and took a seat on the floor in front of Shuichi and Hiro.

Suguru soon joined them, plopping down into a chair with a heavy sigh. "I'm exhausted. Can't we just skip the encore?" he moaned.

"Suguru wants to skip out and leave early?!" Ben shouted and jumped back with a hand over his heart. "Someone call a doctor! I think our little Sugie-chan is sick!"

Suguru rolled his eyes and glared at Ben. "Would you shut up?! And stop calling me that! For gods sakes, I'm not a child."

Ben answered him with a big cheesy smile and turned his attention back onto Hiro and Shuichi. "Sooooo…how are we doing, my friends? All good?"

"Great," they said in unison and broke out in laughter.

"Oh…shpookyness." Ben waved his hands in front of his face like he was casting some kind of weird spell and Suguru kicked him in the knee. He turned toward the green-haired man with a pout on his face. "Why are you so mean to me, Suguru-kun? I never did anything to you!"

Suguru stood up from the chair and shook his head. "I can't deal with this! You are almost thirty years old. Start acting like it!"

"Psh…thirty's old and I'm not old. I'm a spring chicken and I'm still fuckin' kickin', yo!" Ben said, crossing his arms over his chest like a rapper.

"Wow…" Shuichi said with a small laugh.

Hiro nodded. "Yeah, that about sums it up for me too…"

Ben laughed, but silenced himself as K and Sakano strode into the area. The blonde caught sight of the band mates immediately and dragged Sakano over to where they were bickering playfully.

"You're all prepared for the encore, I take it?" K said and crossed his arms over his chest, where his hand would have usually been resting on the butt of his gun. They were still getting adjusted to seeing K without his shoulder holster unless he was wearing an overcoat.

They all nodded.

"We've been prepared for the encore for the past three days, K," Ben muttered and sat back so all of his weight was resting on his arms. "Besides, Shu always does better when he's unprepared so I don't see why you'd be worried if we weren't."

K glared at Ben, his blue eyes boring holes into the other American's face. Ben made a small "meep"ing sound and immediately shut his mouth. K smiled. He may not have been able to carry his guns out in the open any longer, but he still had his intimidating stance to help him. No one wanted ever wanted to mess with K…unless they were Shuichi or Ben, of course, but he usually got his revenge sooner or later.

"Shuichi may do better when he's unprepared, but it's better to be prepared so we know what to expect. For once, we want everything to go as planned. Is that too much to ask for?"

Shuichi smiled. "Don't worry, K. I'm wide awake, healthy, and excited. I don't foresee any unplanned collapsing or any other unfortunate events taking place today."

"That's just the thing…they're always unplanned," Sakano muttered under his breath.

"Like you're any better, Sakano," Ben said with a smile, and the rest of the band, even Suguru and K, broke out into laughter while the producer hung his head.

"Now, now, Ben. It's been months since Sakano's last fainting and manic spell. We'll celebrate that at the party tonight with a big toast!" Shuichi laughed. "He deserves it."

Sakano smiled and fixed his glasses on his nose as Ryuichi ran into the room.

"Shu-chan!!!" he exclaimed and jumped onto the raven-haired singer. "Weren't we so totally awesome! That was so much fun!"

"Come on, Ryu…" Noriko scolded as she pulled Ryuichi away from Shuichi.

"Yeah…you were great," Shuichi said as he gulped down air. "Totally awesome."

Ryuichi beamed and bounced back and forth on his feet. "I can't wait for the encore to start and the after party. I can't sit still. It's been so long since we've had a concert. I forgot how good it feels."

"Well, I think we're getting our chance right now…" K muttered.

Shuichi looked where the manager was looking and saw a blonde stagehand running into the area, a clipboard held tightly in her hand.

"Bad Luck and Nittle Grasper. The stage is ready for your encore in thirty seconds."

"YES!" Ryuichi jumped in the air and twirled around in a circle. "Come on!!"

Shuichi jumped up from the couch and linked elbows with Ryuichi. The two of them made a run for it toward the entrance to the stage while the others followed at a quick walk.

The stage was completely black when they walked out. Hiro situated himself behind the guitar and Ben behind the drums, while Touma, Noriko, and Suguru got comfortable behind their synthesizers. Ryuichi and Shuichi stood to the side offstage until Hiro started the open notes on his guitar.

"You all ready for one more?!" Shuichi shouted as they made their way onto the stage.

The crowd replied with a loud roar.

"This song is by Flyleaf. It's called 'Broken Wings.'" Ryuichi shouted.

The crowd replied with an even louder roar as Shuichi lifted the microphone to his lips and began to sing.

"_Thank you for being such a friend to me  
__Oh I pray a friend for life,  
__And have I ever told you how much you mean to me?  
__Oh you mean so much to me..."_

Shuichi's words faded out and Ryuichi started to sing.

"…_I'm thinking all the time how to tell you what I feel,  
__I'm contemplating phrases...  
I'm gazing at eternity...  
__I am floating in serenity..." _

The band kicked up and Ryuichi and Shuichi shouted the short chorus into their microphones over the screams of the fans in the audience.

"…_And I am so lost for words  
__And I am so overwhelmed …"_

Shuichi started the next verse, but was replaced by Ryuichi after two lines. They joined together again to belt out the chorus.

"…_Please don't go just yet  
__Can you stay a moment, please?  
__We can dance together  
__We can dance forever _

_Under your stars tonight  
__We'll live and breathe this dream…"_

There was a short interlude where the band kicked it up and Ryuichi and Shuichi were aloud to catch their breath and dance around the stage. When they started singing again, Shuichi started and they traded off until they joined together again and screamed out the last line.

"…_So close your eyes, but don't dream too deep  
__And please pass me some memories  
__And when I fall you're underneath  
__A dozen broken hearts,  
__Carried by a dozen broken wings."_

Shuichi fell to his knees and screamed into the microphone. Ryuichi hummed quietly while Hiro, Ben, Suguru, Noriko, and Touma played out the rest of the song. As the song ended, Shuichi slid across the stage and air guitared the last note.

The audience erupted into wild screams of satisfaction and Ryuichi and Shuichi joined hands as they doubled over in a deep bow.

"You guys kick ass!" Shuichi said as they straightened up.

"Yeah! You're awesome. Thanks for coming out tonight!"

"We'll see you soon!" they said in unison and gave on last small bow before exiting the stage.

The backstage area seemed to be eerily silent compared to the loud noises of the instruments and screams of the fans.

Shuichi collapsed onto the ground and put a hand under his bangs to hold them away from his forehead, his breathing heavy in his chest. Ryuichi sat down on the ground beside and smiled down upon him.

"That was freakin' awesome," he said. His brilliant blue eyes were shining with happiness and content, like it had been the best thing to happen to him in a while.

Actually, it had been the best thing to happen to any of them since Aimee's death.

"Yeah," Shuichi agreed. "It was great…"

"Dude! We kicked so many different kinds of ass tonight that it should be illegal!" Ben shouted as he and the rest of the group finally made it to the area where they had started.

Shuichi laughed. "Precisely how many different kinds of ass are there, Benjamin?"

The large American stuck his tongue out at Shuichi and did a little jig around the area to let out more of his never-ending supply of pent-up energy. Shuichi laughed and turned his attention to the others.

"That was amazing," Touma said, a content smile on his face. "I haven't felt this alive since Rue was born."

Hiro held a hand out to Shuichi, who took it gratefully, and pulled the raven-haired man up from the ground. It seemed that everyone else was at a loss for words, but their happiness shined in their eyes just like it had in Ryuichi's.

"Now it's…party time!!!!" Ben shouted and wrapped an arm around Shuichi's neck, pulling him close. "We get to get drunk and have even more fun. Whoo-hoo!"

Shuichi laughed and pried Ben's arm away from his neck. "Yeah. Let's go. Eiri and the others are waiting for us at the bar."

He led the way out of the clubhouse and to the large van they had all traveled to the concert in. The scents and sounds of a late night at a dance club were calling out to all of them…

**-------------**

Flashing strobe lights... Wild and untamed techno beats that shook the floor beneath the dancers' feet… It had been far too long since he had been out to a club and actually had fun with it. Shuichi had his arms draped around Eiri's neck with the blonde's hands on his hips as they moved together provocatively on the dance floor. Their eyes were closed and sweat dripped from every pore in their bodies, the scent of it mixing with that of the other dancers around them.

Eiri's mouth suddenly closed over Shuichi's and he didn't try to hold himself back. Their tongues combined in a dance that made their stance even more provocative. Shuichi continued to move and rub his body against Eiri's. The blonde wedged a knee between his lover's legs and applied pressure, and Shuichi gasped into his mouth, his eyes flashing open only to roll back in his head as he was overcome with need.

They parted for breath and Eiri's mouth began to attack the flesh of Shuichi's neck while his hands wandered down and rested on his ass. Shuichi arched into his mouth and buried a hand in the hair at the base of Eiri's neck; his other hand dipped under the hem of his shirt and danced teasingly along his spine.

"Shuichi, we have to stop," Eiri whispered, his breath tickling the skin of Shuichi's ear.

Shuichi's loud moan was lost over the sound of the loud music. He didn't want to stop, but he knew that they were reaching the point of no return and he didn't want to fall in there yet. He wanted to save that for later.

The throbbing beats ended and Shuichi led Eiri away from the dance floor and toward the bar. Ben, Hiro and Suguru were already there, throwing down shots to prove who had the higher alcohol tolerance. It seemed that Ben had been telling the truth when he said that he could really hold his drink. Hiro was already red-faced and Suguru's words were beginning to slur.

"Hey, guys," Shuichi said with a smile, his hand held tightly in Eiri's.

"Shuichi!" Hiro beckoned him toward him and wrapped an arm around Shuichi's shoulders. "Did I ever tell you that you're my bestest friend ever and I love you? I don't know what I would ever do without you." He giggled and threw down another shot of whiskey.

Ben laughed. "Yeah, Shu. You're his bestest friend ever."

Shuichi rolled his eyes and shrugged off Hiro's shoulder. The long-haired guitarist then turned his attention to the blonde who stood behind his friend.

"And I was soooooo wrong about you, Eiri-san. You are a good man…a very good man and I'm glad that Shuichi has someone like you to take care of him. I dunno where he would be if it wasn't for you. But…you're a goooood man…" He gave them a cheesy smile and his eyes crossed. "You're lucky to have each other…don't let go or I'll have to kick your asses."

"I'd like to see you try," Eiri laughed and waved down a bartender. He ordered their drinks while Shuichi continued to talk with to the other three.

"How long did it take him to get like this?" he asked Ben.

The American laughed. "Um…three shots of vodka and seven of whiskey, if that means anything," he said with a large smile. "The more he drinks, the funnier he gets. Suguru just got quieter."

Shuichi chanced a glance at the keyboardist. He was staring blankly ahead while Hiro hung all over him, mumbling something only Suguru could hear. The redness on the green-haired man's cheeks grew darker, and Shuichi smiled. Suguru hadn't taken down anything since he'd been there. He was blushing.

He took the mixed drink from Eiri when he returned and sipped from it slowly. He wanted to have fun tonight but he didn't want to get drunk in the process. It was the night of their first concert in ages. He wanted to remember it and stick the memories in his mental scrapbook for later reference.

"Having fun, Shu-chan?" Ryuichi danced up to the bar and quickly ordered a bottle of water from the bartender.

"Of course. How about you, Ryu-chan? You look like you've been dancing pretty hard."

The bouncy brunet nodded. "Of course I have. I have to let my energy out somehow, right. What a better way than to dance the night away?"

Shuichi laughed. "I feel sorry for your partners."

"I've only been dancing with Take-chan," Ryuichi said with a pout. "He was sitting by himself and looked lonely, so I thought he could use a friend."

The tall raven-haired man appeared from somewhere in the crowd a moment later, a smile in his green eyes though no emotion was showing on his face. He too ordered something to drink from the bartender and settled down onto the stool next to Ryuichi.

"Hey, Takeru. Having fun?"

He nodded quickly. "Loads. I haven't had this much fun in a long time. Thank you for inviting me, Shuichi."

"Not a problem," he said with a shrug.

They all fell into easy conversation, sipping from their drinks while laughing at Hiro's random outbursts and the blush that continued to darken on Suguru's face. They all almost fell out of their chairs when Hiro's face seemed to drop and he jumped from his stool and ran toward the bathroom. When he returned to the bar, he looked a little more sober, though he looked exhausted as well.

Touma and Mika and Noriko and her husband joined the group a little while later and they soon ended up having to move to a larger table so they could talk easier. K and Sakano had left soon after they had arrived so they could visit with their families one last time before leaving.

"We're off to Kyoto next," Ryuichi said with a happy little dance. "I haven't been there in ages."

Shuichi smiled and elbowed Eiri in the side. "This'll give you a chance to visit your father."

Mika snorted. "Don't get your hopes up, Shuichi. He wouldn't visit that man if it was the only thing that would keep him alive."

"I know…" Shuichi said with a chuckle. "Just thought I'd pick at him and have a little fun."

Eiri glared at him but Shuichi stuck out his tongue and made his lover smile. Shuichi smiled back and linked his arms with Eiri's, resting his head on the blonde's shoulder.

"So…it's just gonna be us for the next six months. First here, and then America and probably Europe and Australia as well," Touma said with a sigh. "It's going to be…interesting."

"Oh, come on, Touma. It's gonna be fun!" Ryuichi shouted, punching his friend playfully on the arm. "You get to spend the next six months with _us_." He spread his arms out in front him and smiled. "I can't wait!"

"I agree with you both. It's going to be interesting but fun at the same time," Noriko added. "Besides, the families get to come along so it's not like we'll be missing anything."

Touma sighed and Mika punched him, and not as playfully as Ryuichi had. He jumped and rubbed his arm, frowning at his wife.

"Oh, loosen up, Touma. It's gonna be fun. Just look at how you've enjoyed tonight. You get to do this almost every night for the next six months."

The platinum blonde groaned and buried his head in Mika's shoulder. "I don't think I'll be able to make it through six months of this," he moaned.

Ryuichi jumped up from his seat and stood with one fist on his hip, the other than thrust toward the ceiling and holding up a finger. "To Kyoto or bust!" he shouted.

The table erupted into laughter.

"To Kyoto or bust!" they all shouted and jumped up like Ryuichi had, even Suguru.

The group lost themselves in another bout of laughter and collapsed into their seats.

Shuichi couldn't keep the smile from his face as he let his eyes linger on the faces of the people who surrounded him…the people who had grown to become his family and closest friends. He couldn't think of a better group of people to spend six months away from home with. He knew that they would get in their fights and would quickly find themselves getting on each others nerves, but he also knew that everything worked out for the better…in love and hate.

_-OWARI-_

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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! _::sobs::_ I had so much fun writing this chapter, especially the club scene and it didn't set in that I was writing the last chapter until I wrote those last four words…in love and hate…the four words that were going to end this baby since I had started it…

Aside from writing the chapter…I had so much writing this whole entire story. It was a long and increasingly difficult road, but here we are, at the end and looking back on everything it took to get to this point. Over this past two years, I've shed a lot of blood and tears, grown and become a better person, become more confident in myself and my writing, overcame demons, lost to demons and then overcame them again…and I've met sooo many beautiful and amazing people and it's all because of you guys…

To have my fan fic accepted so well into the community was a godsend…amazing… I never thought that so many people would have been able to relate to a life spent struggling with cutting. And even those of you who didn't relate to cutting, I have a tremendous amount of respect for you because you were able to read this convoluted, morbid tale and didn't judge Shuichi for the things that he did…you didn't judge me for the things that I did…

To everyone who has ever reviewed "ILaH," and even to those of you who have been following this story and haven't reviewed… I don't have the words to tell you how thankful I am to have you guys. If it wasn't for you, I probably wouldn't be writing today… It wasn't only my friends who helped me get through my tough times, it was my writing, which ultimately leads back to you all because you gave me the confidence to keep writing…gave me the willpower to keep going and to believe in myself…

My original plan was to go through and write something to everyone who has ever reviewed my story, but unfortunately messed up that plan by deleted my story back in January so now I don't know who I would write to… But…to those of you who have stayed with consistently so I can remember who you are…

**kuriqa:** Do I even need to write a thank you for you, babe? Hehe… You are one of my best friends and I love you to the moon and back (wow…that was cheesy). You've been there for me when I needed someone to talk to for the past two years. It doesn't matter that I didn't get to hear your voice until only a few months ago. You're more than my Hiro, and even more than my Aiko… Aishiteru eien ni…_::hugs::_…

**GravityNeko:** You haven't reviewed the past couple of chapters, but you're the one who kept my butt in gear by your random IMs asking how work on "ILaH" was going. How disappointing was it to almost always hear that it wasn't going that great? Hehe… Thank you for your support…

**Dhampir:** Dunno when you'll get to read this, but when you do… You are so totally the better writer…you have been and always will be. But I'm glad that someone else was able to write such an accepted fic that dealt with cutting. And I admire you because you've written something so beautiful without having experienced it. _::hugs::_ I'm sorry that you hurt your hand again and I hope that it gets better soon so I can read some more angst…Hehe…

**Trav:** FUCK YOU, CRAB!!!! Hehe… As always, I hate you and will dance in your blood on the day that I kill you. _::hugs::_ Just kidding…you know I love ya. You're my other little brother and my fellow otaku. I would say that I was sorry that I got you into shonen-ai, but you would know that I was lying so I won't get into that. Hehe… But yeah, you're awesome and all that other totally cool jazz that I should say to make you feel better about yourself but I'm too lazy to do it…_::glomps::_…

**SourSkittlez:** You probably weren't expecting one of these, ne? Hehe. Thank you so much for your extremely random reviews and comments on "ILaH." They always made me have a good laugh, even if I was sitting in the middle of a quiet classroom where I was supposed to be doing schoolwork. Thank you, and I hope that you're doing well…

**InfiniteDarkness2007:** Well…we have our days, huh? I just wanted to say thank you for your reviews, even if some of them went beyond the border of constructive criticism and into flame territory. You were my first flame, actually…but now I've gotten used to them. Hehe… I hope that you liked this chapter…it wasn't depressing and it wasn't sickeningly sweet, either… I kept that in mind while writing…

**animegirl12182:** _::hugs::_ YOU'RE ALIVE!! Hehe… I want to thank you bunches and bunches…mostly for doing a good job of freaking me out when you told me that you lived in Louisville and even knew where Borden was. I think I almost had a heart attack. No one ever knows where Borden is! Hehe… Thank you for sticking in with me and becoming my e-mail buddy. _::hugs:: _I hope that you're well! I'll e-mail you soon…

And there are soo many more of you… **Josh, DaisukeAizawa, xo-silent-whispers-ox, DemonicDragon666, Lenora, DaggerForFate, darkangel818, Darkness Dreamer, Blue weary black angel, yamiKitsune, yuki ayamezuki, Luciver, i love athrun, Ichigo Pocky, lovelandkiss, Invader Nicole, Sakuya lover, Lastaras, Annie loves it, Guren, Kitty in the Box, **and many, many, many more. I LOVE YOU ALL!!! As I've said before, every single one of you is amazing, especially those of you whom I've gotten to know on a personal basis. You're great…

And, because I can't draw the ending out any longer, I guess this would be as a good a place as any to declare "In Love and Hate" complete. But, after 193 pages of twisted morbidness, there is one more addition after this which contains the songs I've used in this story in case anyone was wondering or wanted any of them…

_::big flying tackle glomps to everyone::_

I love you…you're amazing…

…and, more than anything, thank you…

Kolie  
page 10  
Tuesday, October 31, 2006


	31. OST

Looking at this, I have to say that I've laughed at my tastes in music two years ago. The only bands on the "Cover Story" album that I ever listen to any more are Evanescence and Breaking Benjamin. I love every song on the "In Love and Hate" album and of course the other songs that I randomly used in the fic. Out of all 47 songs, I have to say that "Rain" by Breaking Benjamin and "Forgive Me" by Evanescence are still my favorites…

Anyway…just in case any of you wanted a list of the songs I've used in "ILaH," here are the OSTs. Three different soundtracks. I've got all the songs and the albums (in parenthesis) you can find them on listed…extras are in bold after the album titles… I have every song but the ones that were written by me and kuriqa (obviously), so e-mail me if want them but can't find them online for yourself…

Enjoy…

* * *

**Cover Story…**

"Sold Me" Seether _(Disclaimer II)_

"Needles" Seether _(Disclaimer II)_

"Take Me Away" Seether _(Disclaimer II)_

"Hang On" Seether_ (Disclaimer II)_

"Vermillion" Slipknot _(The Subliminal Verses, Vol. 3)_

"Vermillion Part 2" Slipknot _(The Subliminal Verses, Vol. 3)_

"Lies" Evanescence _(Origin)_

"Whisper" Evanescence _(Fallen)_

"Pushing Me Away" Linkin Park _(Hybrid Theory)_

"With This Knife" Smile Empty Soul _(Smile Empty Soul)_

"Heart-Shaped Box" Nirvana _(Greatest Hits)_

"Senzafine" Lacuna Coil _(Comalies Deluxe Edition)** -- **_**acoustic version**

"The Prophet Said" Lacuna Coil _(Comalies)_

"Daylight Dancer" Lacuna Coil _(Comalies)_

"Tight Rope" Lacuna Coil _(Comalies)_

"Dead Skin" Crossfade _(Crossfade)_

"Colors" Crossfade _(Crossfade)_

"So Cold" Breaking Benjamin _(We Are Not Alone)_

"Redefine" Soil _(re.de.fine)_

"Alone" Bad Luck (written by me)

"Let Go" Bad Luck (written by me)

"Razor's Edge" Bad Luck (written by me)

* * *

**In Love and Hate…**

"Hard to Say" The Used _(In Love and Death)_

"Light with a Sharpened Edge" The Used _(In Love and Death)_

"October" Evanescence _(Ultra Rare Trax Vol. 3)_

"The Lunacy Phringe" The Used _(In Love and Death)_

"Blue and Yellow" The Used _(The Used)_

"Metal Heart" Garbage _(Bleed Like Me)_

"Poetic Tragedy" The Used _(The Used)_

"Maybe Memories" The Used _(The Used)_

"A Box Full of Sharp Objects" The Used _(The Used)_

"On My Own" The Used _(The Used)_

"Noise and Kisses" The Used _(The Used)_

"Soundeffects and Overdramatics" The Used _(In Love and Death)_

"Like You" Evanescence _(The Open Door)_

* * *

**Other Songs…**

"Rain" Breaking Benjamin _(We Are Not Alone)_

"Wounded" Good Charlotte _(The Chronicles of Life and Death (Death))_

"Missing" Evanescence _(Origin) **-- **_**original version**

"Suffering" Soil _(re.de.fine)_

"Forgive Me" Evanescence _(Ultra Rare Trax Vol. 1)_

"Breathe No More" Evanescence _(Demos 2002-2003)_

"Drip" Bad Luck (written by me)

"Bleed Like Me" Garbage _(Bleed Like Me)_

"Illusions" Nittle Grasper (written by kuriqa)

"Today" Smashing Pumpkins _(Today)_

"I'm Movin' On" Rascal Flatts _(Rascal Flatts)_

"Broken Wings" Flyleaf **-- no album**


End file.
